Episode 8: 10 Things I've Learned on my Journey to Healing

The host, Femi the Divine, shares 10 things she has learned on her journey to inner healing and interpersonal work.

Topics Discussed - inner healing, healing work, therapy, psychotherapy, setting healthy boundaries, trying new things, loneliness, moving on, starting over, choosing yourself, self love, self worth, doing the work, personal transformation, self development, self improvement, self help, personal development, forgiveness, closure, forgive and forget, etc. 

Contact info - Femi the Divine

IG @divinehealingpodcast
www.thedivinehealingpodcast.com
femithedivine@gmail.com

Contact info - Femi the Divine

 IG @divinehealingpodcast

 www.thedivinehealingpodcast.com

 femithedivine@gmail.com

Transcript

0:31

Welcome to the divine healing podcast. I'm your host, Femi the divine. And welcome back. We are now on episode number eight, happy new year, happy almost end of January. I hope you all set your intentions. Like we talked about in the last episode and you are still on track. I know sometimes we get off track with new year's resolutions and then we start over on February the first I took a few weeks off just to. Give some things in order in my own life. So I apologize for not having a bi-weekly episode a couple of weeks ago, but we're back, we're back on track and back on schedule. So this week I wanted to do something different. Instead of talking about one particular topic at length, I'm going to give you all the top 10 about things that I have learned so far or my healing journey before we get into that again. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you to everyone who is listening. If this is your first time. Welcome. If you're a returning listener, thank you for pressing the play button. And if you have reached out to me directly or indirectly with your feedback, if you shared the show, if you sent the show to someone else You're enjoying the show when you let me know that. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for your feedback. I definitely appreciate that. There's anything that you all would like to hear about, or you have questions about, again, feel free to reach out to me. I'll put my contact info in the show notes. So tops in things I've learned so far on my healing journey. These are not in any particular order except for the last one, which I think is the most important, but I'm going to start with number two. You can't take everybody with you. Sometimes in life we grow and we evolve past the folks that are in our life. This could be friends, this could be family. This could be coworkers. This could be romantic partners, but sometimes. As we have to do our own healing work, we leave people behind and it may be a matter of maybe they're just not where you are right now. Maybe they're not understanding. Maybe they don't feel like they have healing work to do, or they're in denial. Or maybe sometimes that situation is holding you back and it's time for you to move on and grow and evolve. And sometimes you have to leave people where they are. It may be difficult. They may not understand why it is that you are doing what it is that you're doing. May not make sense to them. They may be angry about it because they may be benefiting from you, you know, staying in that particular situation. But just understand that you can't take everybody with you. Sometimes people are in your life for a reason, a season or forever. And a lot of times we can't even get to the forever people. Cause we're so. On the reason and the C. And that doesn't necessarily mean that you leaving somebody behind has to be a bad thing again, their season could just be up. You could just be in different places in your lives. I think we find this happens, especially as we grow older, you may be still trying to hang on to legacy friendships from when you were kids. You know, maybe you're the first person in your, your friend group to get married or become a mom. And sometimes, you know, folks just aren't in the place that you are. So you kind of part ways, it doesn't always have to be something bad or dramatic. Or anything like that, but just understand that sometimes elevation requires isolation. Number nine, boundaries don't have to be an electric fence. Something I definitely learned along my journey was that I did not set adequate boundaries. Part of that was because I didn't want to disappoint people. Maybe I was trying to do. Maybe, I just didn't know how to set boundaries. And also sometimes you're listening to other folks or you don't realize that in your effort to not rock the boat or please everybody else you put your own needs to the wayside when you really should be setting a boundary, just remember in life that we dictate how people treat us. And that's not, that's not giving an excuse for people to treat you poorly, but understand that sometimes people say and do things to us. Okay. We don't address it. We don't address it for, for many reasons. Maybe it's we don't know how maybe we don't realize that it needs to be addressed at that time. Maybe we're afraid to address it. Maybe, you know, again, we don't want to rock the boat. That was my situation. Oftentimes I just felt like it wasn't worth it to have to deal with the drama that would ensue from me addressing it. So a lot of things, I would just kind of brush it under the rug, but having to set a boundary. That's something that you need to do for your own protection. So in the past, if you've not spoken up, when people may have wrong Jew or overstep the boundary, or they did something, you know, that you didn't necessarily agree with or something that was potentially harmful to you, you know, and you're not speaking up, it's almost like you allowed it to happen. And sometimes the boundary is just saying, you know what? No as a complete sentence. No, I'm not going to allow you to do this. No, I don't appreciate that. You did this. No. Well, you did this make me feel that way. No, I'm not accepting this or it's, you know what, no, I'm not going to do this. Maybe you want me to do something, but I've decided that that's not what I'm going to do, but a boundary can simply be. You really don't have to explain why, if you want to, you can, if you feel that's necessary, you can. But I had to come to a point in my life where I had to understand that I needed to set boundaries, because if I did not, people would continue to overstep, continue to do what they wanted to do, continue to try to walk and trample all over me and understanding that it doesn't have to be something big. And grandiose you can move a boundary. I may set the boundary here today, but that doesn't mean that I won't relax it as time goes. Also, it doesn't mean that I won't tighten it if I need to, but people hear the word boundary and you know, they get all scared and they think that you're literally drawing a line in the sand. No, I am putting my foot down and I am setting a boundary for my own protection. And if you have an issue with that, then maybe you don't have my best interests at heart, because most of the time when you set a boundary, the people who have an issue with. It's because they were benefiting from you not having a boundary or from you allowing them to walk all over top of your boundary. So just keep that in mind, boundaries are important, but they don't have to be an electric fence that shocks people every time they come by learn how to set healthy boundaries, learning how to set healthy boundaries. We'll definitely have. Along your journey and obviously boundaries will be different in every situation with each person that you interact with. Do what makes you comfortable at what works best for you? That leads me into the next item, which is number eight. Sometimes where the toxic person, we have to own up to the things that we do as. If not always everybody is doing everything to you. Sometimes we play a part. Sometimes we contribute to the issue. Sometimes we cause some of the things that happened to ourselves maybe directly or indirectly, and that's not to point fingers and that's not to point blame, but just taking stock of the fact that, you know, maybe I could have done something different. You know, maybe I lashed out at somebody or I said something or I did something in retaliation to something else that was happening to me or something that I haven't dealt with. So just taking a step back and reassessing, sometimes we are the toxic person. Sometimes we're playing the victim. That brings me to number seven. Sometimes we play the victim. I'm not victim blaming. I'm not saying that we are the victim in some situations because sometimes. But how long are you gonna stay there? Take the time that you need to process to sit with your feelings, to think about what has happened. Be sad, cry, scream, do whatever it is that you need to do. And then it's time to move on. Staying in your victim. Hood does not benefit you. It's just going to constantly remind you of what has happened. You're going to keep replaying it in your mind. You're basically revictimizing yourself. Every single time you do that. Does that mean it's your fault that something happened to you and you were a victim? Not at all, but by staying in that place, you're allowing the other person to continue to have power over you in the situation. So you have to decide, okay, I'm done being the V. I'm going to heal from new situation or I've already healed, you know, as far as I think I need to from this situation and I'm going to get myself together and I'm going to push forward. Number six, this one was a hard one for me. Closure is not always necessary. You don't have to forgive people if you don't want to. I know a lot of times we get hung up in this loop when something happens and it's like, oh, I need to talk to them. Or I want to have one last conversation with them for closure. Why? A lot of times we don't get the apology or the explanation that we wanted. And if we sat around waiting for that so that we can have closure on the situation, we probably be waiting for it. So be honest, sometimes the person on the other end of the situation, they don't know why they did what they did. Maybe it was just cause they wanted to, or they felt too at that point in time, like it may not be that deep, but maybe they're, I'm apologizing. I don't want to, I mean, to be honest with your hour and a half as the apology, just because somebody felt like it was the right thing to do, or they're just saying what it is that they thought I wanted to hear, that's not sincere. So as far as I'm concerned, The closure is you do what you did. I did what I did or said, but I said, and that's the end of the conversation. I'm not sitting around waiting for somebody else to provide closure so that I can move on with my life. I decide when I move on with my life and I don't have to forgive you, I don't subscribe to this whole, you know, for forgiving forget mindset at this point in my life. I think I'm tired of being the bigger. I'm tired of taking the high road, tired of turning the other cheek, all that is stuff that they teach in Abrahamic religion. And if you've been listening to the past seven episodes, you'll know that I don't practice that. I just, I don't know. I just feel like forgiveness. A lot of people get hung up in this, or you have to forgive the other person. If there's something you feel like you need to do for you so you can move on, they do that, but don't make it about the other person. It's not going to change anything. The other thing is this far, too many times in my life where I, you know, people say it's not worthy to be the bigger person and take the high road, those due to their level, no, being a bigger person. And most of the time has landed me in situations where I was abused. I was made to feel like my feelings weren't important and neighbor dismissed. It gave folks the green light to continue doing whatever it is that they needed, that they did that put them in a position to even want my forgiveness. And I was just trampled all over disrespected. And like I said, abused, and my opinion is not. You have to take stock of the situations and the relationships in your life. And if you feel like it's going to be an added benefit to your life, to forgive that person and forget and move on, they do that. Me personally, I don't feel like that's necessary. We're grown people know what they did. They knew exactly where they were doing. And as a result of their action, I have the opportunity to choose my own action or inaction depending on what the situation is. No, we do grown for foolishness. I do not forgive and forget. I just move on. You said what you said? I said what? I said, you do what you did. I did what I did and that's the end of it. Number five. It's okay. To change. Sometimes we go through life thinking, oh, I want this. Or I want that, you know, especially as it relates to relationships, you know, maybe I really want to stay in this relationship. This is what I thought I wanted. Then life happens. It's okay to change it. Sometimes we don't really know what we want out of life until we're in a situation where we're experiencing what it is that we thought we wanted and things aren't going the way that we wanted them to go or where you're realizing, you know what, this isn't what I expected or anticipated. And maybe this isn't a good fit for me that could apply to anything. It could be a job, it could be a relationship. It could be, you know, maybe you're in school and you're studying a particular field and you decided, you know what, this may be the same. I think a lot of times we get hung up on. Okay, well, I'll put a lot of time into this situation. I put a lot of money into this situation. I put a lot of energy in this situation. It's okay to change your mind. It's okay to start over. A lot of times you hear people say things like, oh, I wasted my time towards. I would rather get out now that I'm realizing that this isn't a good fit for me. There's a continue down a path for even more time and more energy and more money. And it isn't take a step back and reassess sometimes our wants and our needs change. It's okay to change your mind, do as best for you. Don't let people make you feel like you can't number four. You must be open-minded and willing to try new things. As we move on this journey. For many of us we're adults. I find that a lot of people go through this quarter life 30 year old, 35 year old crisis. And they're re-evaluating everything in their life and everything that they've been taught, everything they've learned over the years, you know, and comparing that with their life experiences over the past few years, that brought them to this particular. Clearly, whatever it was that you were doing up until this point was not working, or maybe it just wasn't working a hundred percent. That's why we're here. That's why we're making the commitment to ourselves to do things differently. So you have to be open-minded and willing to try new things. What's that saying? Nor the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity. Be willing to try something new. Now that may differ for you, depending on what that is. For some people trying something new is going to therapy. Everybody need to go therapy. I don't care what y'all think. Maybe it's Geyser therapy. Maybe it's a career change. Maybe it's getting rid of some habits that you need to get rid of. Maybe it's getting rid of addictions. Maybe it's speaking up for yourself. That's something different. If you were somebody who normally didn't know. Maybe he's gone out and meet new friends. Maybe it's leaving a relationship. Maybe you're starting in your relationship. Maybe it's finding a new job. Maybe it's trying a new hobby. Maybe it's exercising. Maybe it's changing your diet. Just open-minded and willing to try new things. I know for me, I usually will try something new a few times. Sometimes the first time there may be some kind of shock or it may not go the way you want it to. But usually I'm willing to try something a second and possibly a third time before I make my mind up about it. Be open and willing to try new things. You made find out that you really loved journaling, and it's not like writing in your dear diary when you're eight years. You may really like going to the gym because that's helping you to relieve your stress, maybe, you know, changing your diet, you know, because it helps to elevate your mood or maybe addressing medical issues. Maybe you're trying to lose some weight, whatever, be open-minded and willing to try something new. Number three, sometimes this journey is long. I spoke. I think number 10 was you can't take everybody with you. So as you grow up in progress, you may find that certain people, places and things are removed from your life by spirit. If they're meant to be gone, don't go back and get them. But you may find yourself in a place where you feel like you are alone on an island and nobody understands what you're going through, what you're dealing with with your term. You know, maybe the folks that you usually talk to or you went to for comfort or spent time with, maybe they're not around anymore, they're not available to you. Maybe you have to avoid certain people, places and things because they're triggers, you know, so it's more of a self-imposed isolation. Just understanding that when you make the commitment to yourself into your own healing, it may require you to destroy. And tear down your old life entirely so that you could prepare and rebuild for the new one. Take this time alone to see. And listen, listen to your guides, listen to spirit, ask for direction, ask for clarity, take this quiet time. Take advantage of it for a lot of people. This whole COVID situation for the last two years has been quiet time. Take this time to sit down and really think about what it is in your life that you want to change, what it is that you want to accomplish and move forward and what it is that you're willing to let go of and leave behind to accomplish those things. It made me lonely, but trust me, it'll get better. And it may just be a matter of getting out here and trying something new, going somewhere new and meeting some folks that are like minded. Maybe that's online. You know, if you ask to meet like-minded people, friends, family loved ones, whatever it is. You'll meet the right people at the right time that are on the same page that you're on. So if you're feeling lonely as to me, you know, and attract like-minded people, there's something you can pray and ask for easily. Maybe it's just joining a Facebook. You know, maybe it's just fat going to an event in your city. You need like minded folks. I found that when I started doing that, I started seeing the same people at different events, all across town. Sometimes you phone prints like that. But don't be afraid to step out there. You know, nobody is saying that just because you're on a healing journey that you have to sit in the house by yourself, but just know that it can be a lonely journey, something to think about. Number two, this journey is not. healing work. Inner healing work has been some of the most difficult work I had done in my 35 years on this planet. It requires you to really take a step back, get out of your denial. It take a cold, long, hard look at your. Yes. Other people play a factor into why you had to come to this point and embark on this journey, but it's not about them. It's about you. It's not going to be easy. You're going to have to think about things they may be. You don't want to think about, you're going to have to have hard conversations. They may be. You didn't want to have, you're going to have to admit the things and talk about things and maybe you don't want to talk about, but it is necessary for your. Remember growth happens in darkness and you cannot share a habit testimony you can't share with anybody else. If you yourself have never been tested as we go through life, we all face trials and tribulations. It's not necessarily about the trials and the tribulations, but it's about how did you rebound from them? What did you learn from those life experiences? What changes did you make as a result? And if you feel up to it, what can you share with others? Who also on their journey, who also may be experiencing the same things that you are, or maybe what it is that you are sharing may prevent them from going through some of those things or maybe soften the blow. This journey is not easy. I don't care what anybody tells you. It's not, it ain't always going to be unicorns, cherries, and rainbows, but just know that it is worth it. You're choosing yourself. You're choosing. To Uplevel your life so that you can live the kind of life that you want to live so that you can achieve happiness and blessing while their prosperity and growth, nothing worth having in this life is going to come easy. You have to put in the work the longer you take and drag your feet. When it comes to putting in the work, the longer you may see. And I'm gonna be real with y'all. There is not honoring suffering. Do what you need to do. It won't be easy. You just, just stick it out. Trust me. It will all be for the better in the end. And now we are at the last one, which is number one, and this is the most important you can number two through 10. However it is there. You want to do it. This is the most important thing I want you all to read. Healing is not a linear process. Some of you all may have heard that statement before buddies. True. It's not like you wake up one day and you say, all right, I'm on the journey to healing and I'm going to do this and this and this. And then I'm done. We will continue to heal our entire lives until we take our last breath. You will take forward steps for. And you will take steps backward, and then you will go forward again. The important thing is to not stay stuck and to keep moving. If you feel like you have experienced a setback, take some time to think about, okay, not so much. Why is this happening to me? But what is this situation teaching me? What can I learn here was my takeaway so that I can move on to the next. No one will ever be in a situation where they're a hundred percent healed as life goes on and we'll continue to face situations. We'll continue to face trials and tribulations. And those things add character. They give us experiences to draw upon as we move into new experiences in life. But just understand that it's not a linear process. There's not a straight line from point a to point B. Think of it as that is. Where there will be peaks and valleys, but as long as you stay on a journey, you're moving in the right direction. So I know this week's episode was a little bit different. I wanted to switch things up, try something new, but those are the top 10 things that I have personally learned on my healing journey. So far. I hope you all found something in here. You enjoy the show. Please feel free to leave us a rating on iTunes or Spotify. You can send me a message directly. I will put my contact information in the show notes, share with a friend if this blessed you today. And as always before I go, but I'll leave you all with an affirmation. I affirm I am in the driver's seat of my own journey. Thanks for listening.