In a Conversation With Anne Nye: Senior Care from a family member's perspective.

In this episode we have the honor of hearing from someone whose story embodies the true essence of selflessness and love – Anne Nye. We are also honoring her late husband Rufus Nye, a brilliant man with a heart of gold, who made an impact not only in my life but in the life of many.

 Anne, like many others, wears multiple hats in life. 

But it is he role as family caregiver and advocate that truly defines her 

Behind the scenes, she navigated the complexities of caregiving with grace, pouring her heart and soul into providing support and comfort to her loved one.

Today, we're privileged to hear Anne’s journey - the challenges, the triumphs, and the profound lessons learned along the way. Her story not only sheds light on the priceless role of family caregivers and advocates but also serves as an inspiration of hope and resilience for countless others facing similar situation.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Senior Care Central, a bi-weekly podcast hosted by Harry Oray, founder and CEO of Live Well Senior Care. Join us as we explore the world of senior care with industry experts, sharing insights and personal experiences to help us gain a deeper understanding and help us navigate this complex landscape. Plus, hear from real families who have tackled senior care challenges firsthand.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

Welcome back to Senior Care Central, where we talk all things senior care. Today, I have the honor of introducing you to someone whose story embodies the true essence of selflessness and love, Anne Nye. I would also like to honor her late husband, Rufus Nye, a brilliant man with a heart of gold who made an impact not only in my life but in the life of many. Anne, like many others, wears multiple hearts in life. But it is their role as family caregiver and advocate that truly defines them. Behind the scenes, they navigate the complexities of caregiving with grace, pouring their heart and soul into providing support and comfort to their loved ones. In today's episode, we are privileged to hear Anne's journey, the challenges, the triumphs, and the profound lessons learned along the way. Her story not only sheds light on the priceless role of family caregivers and advocates, but also serves as an inspiration of hope and resilience for countless others facing similar situations. So without further ado, let us welcome Anna to the podcast. Thank you for joining us. Thank you. Yes, yes. So as you can hear, we have Annai with us. And I would like to know more a little bit about your journey. Can you tell us a little bit how your journey as a caregeeper and advocate for Rufus was like?

SPEAKER_02 2:12

Well, it started when we didn't know we were on a journey. We didn't know that Rufus had a problem. He was the one who realized that he had a problem. We were sitting on the tarmac in Germany when he had trouble remembering a word. A word that he really did know. It was okay. The bird is gone. The bird is gone. Okay, there was a word that it will come back. The word is what is it called? The flashing light. Um I know this word. No, Henry. It's not a strobe light. What is it called on the tarmac? The lights that go on and off to guide the airplane.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

Okay, that is the light you were talking about.

SPEAKER_02 3:02

Yes, he couldn't remember the name of the light, which I cannot remember now. And just like now, I didn't think it was a big deal. But over time he was concerned about his memory, and he would make lists of things, and we really didn't think that he had the problem that he actually knew that he had. Eventually he convinced us that yes, he was having trouble remembering things, and the word is strobe light.

SPEAKER_01 3:28

Yay! Strobe light.

SPEAKER_02 3:30

Strobe light. Eventually he convinced us, and we made an appointment with the neurologist with a doctor who could tell us if there was anything wrong. And he had a battery of tests, and it turned out that yes, he had a serious problem, that his IQ had gone from like 160 or whatever it was down to like 102, and that he definitely had some dementia, that they figured out by doing more tests was caused by some kind of a uh perhaps a stroke they had had maybe five years earlier than that. And this was an accumulative thing that happened. So that was the beginning, and he got worse, and gradually more things had to be done for him. We made arrangements to get him places. He eventually stopped driving, but he continued with the activities that he had. He worked out most days a week at a gym, and several days a week he would participate in a ceramics class.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

So when he found out all, you know the things that were happening to him, like the dementia, his IQ had dropped, how did that change you and him at that time? The sense of uh what was it like for the two of you at that moment?

SPEAKER_02 4:55

Well, we had a very positive attitude and a good sense of humor. So our life continued on a very good level, but more things had to be done for him. We had to rearrange our life a little bit and gradually a little bit more to accommodate the fact that he was having dementia.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

All right. So if you're to look at that journey, that was the beginning, and you you knew both it's changing how you live your life with him and how he lives his life as well. What were the thoughts at that time before we'll get to the as you you're on the journey, you really dip in, but at the beginning, how did it feel it? Initial feeling as the advocate?

SPEAKER_02 5:36

At first, I didn't really feel like I was an advocate. I felt like I was just, you know, doing what was natural to help your mate, you know, get along in life that you know he would have done for me, so I did for him. It didn't seem like it was that much at the beginning.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

And I'm glad that he was able to keep on doing the things he used to like to do, sit around next to the gym, and you know, seeing friends as well, like he kept it up quite a while. So, what were some of the biggest challenges you faced while caring for him? Now, this is where he's starting to need more.

SPEAKER_02 6:09

The biggest challenge was getting help when we needed to have help, when it became obvious that I couldn't do it all myself. The biggest challenge was finding competent help. And that is definitely a challenge. Not just on the help in the house, but in finding transportation. In our community, we had something called the 1010 Cab Company, which we used to get him to some of the things that he went to. Eventually, we got found a driver that was able to come and take him places and wait for him. We found somebody who would go to the gym with him and was there when he was showering and doing that. So all of that took figuring things out, finding connections, and that is not always easy. Eventually, I checked out care that he could have in the home and interviewed several different companies, and from that I had one company that came. They would come and spend time a few hours during the day, and then overnight. Sure. That didn't work out. That's among the many challenges that people are going to face when they have this situation because it didn't take long for I would go to bed and go to sleep upstairs, and he would be in our main bedroom, and the uh care worker would be here allegedly taking care of him, but eventually the caretaker would wake me up and I would need to help. Yes. And uh so that was not taking care of the problem. Right. So that did not work out.

SPEAKER_01 7:48

Yes. And uh I hear your frustration that you faced at that time where you know it's very hard to find competent caregivers who were able to take care of the bargain from you in a sense and give you some break. And how did you eventually resolve that?

SPEAKER_02 8:07

Eventually we found the perfect solution, which was that one of our friends, and the husband was a friend as well, he also was having dementia. He had Parkinson's and some other things going on, just like my husband was, and uh and they had a caregiver. And so we, you know, met with that caregiver and to see what options were there were, and that that was, you know, we hired this particular company and they provided excellent care. They provided the care that we needed, the companionship for my husband, the ability to take him out to lunch or to whatever it happened to be, to meet with his friends and to be there so that he could carry on his life in the most positive way for the longest possible time.

SPEAKER_01 8:57

Yes, so just to my audience, I will let you know she's talking in code. That company was my company, and it was a company of one then, and I did learn quite a bit from both Rufus and the other client in what it means to care for our seniors. And as I go on as well, as much as I hire caregivers now, I do make sure that they have the same heart and passion I had as I cared for Rufus as a young company then, and uh the other gentleman as well. So we'll talk more about what that company is all about at a different time. So, with all these uh moving parts you're doing for your husband, you know, to make sure he has the caregiver that really cares, and uh uh doctor's appointments, his meals, his life in general, how did you then balance that caregiving and advocating responsibilities with your other aspects of life?

SPEAKER_02 9:51

Well, I thought I was doing well, but it turned out that I was not doing very well. Actually, there were two pivotal points. One of them was that I took a trip with one of my daughters to visit another daughter who was in Singapore, and Rufus was still at home at that time. And my other two daughters were kind of a tag team. They came and stayed with Rufus while he was at home, and my younger daughter, when she left, said to her sister, who was now going to take over, she said, I'm ready to drive myself over a cliff.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

Oh no.

SPEAKER_02 10:32

She had not realized how much effort and work and everything was going into taking care of Rufus and keeping everything, quote, normal, unquote. And of course, I did not realize how much was going into taking care of him. The second thing was I was going to visit my daughter who lives very close by, and I tripped, and I fell on the sidewalk and I broke my neck. And as a result of that, I realized, and my daughters also realized that I was you know not at the same level of being able to take care of him, being the kind of caregiver that I wanted to be, that I was just, you know, I was being worn out. So it was time for the next step.

SPEAKER_01 11:23

Right, right. And uh what do you think is typical for most uh family caregivers? They do it out of duty, out of love, and wanting to see their loved one have a quality of life and enjoy life. So I can see how you were not even aware of yourself, how much you're worn out until your daughters pointed out and you uh fall, and just having to sit back and yeah, look at it and say, I'm doing a lot. So yes. And how did you navigate the emotional toll during this time?

SPEAKER_02 11:59

Well, I guess friends, family, my religion, and also um having him here, having him around was a big emotional support, just being able to know that he was okay.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

So you see faith, grounded you family, friends, yes, and having him here.

SPEAKER_02 12:19

And the caregivers that also made a very big difference. So at that point, then we made the search and found a um, you know, we picked a particular place for him to go where he was a resident, and it was important that the caregiver that we had that came to our home and took care of him and interacted with him, etc., was also able to do that at the nursing facility where he was. So it was able to continue for him so that it was a very smooth transition.

SPEAKER_01 12:51

Sure. So I'm hearing continuity of care was very important for the have the same person who knows him. And that relationship was important uh for that big change from home to now a different facility where it's 24-hour care and but people might not know him as the caregivers he has had before.

SPEAKER_02 13:12

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

Awesome.

SPEAKER_02 13:13

Yeah, so that's that made it all so much easier.

SPEAKER_01 13:16

I'm glad to hear that. Are there any lessons or insights you gained as an advocate during that journey that you can share with others?

SPEAKER_02 13:24

Well, I think you have to do your homework when you look for whether it's transportation or help in the home or a place that eventually will, you know, be a home away from home, that you really need to do your homework because there's on all levels of care out there and levels of how much responsibility people are willing to take. And you need to, you know, check backgrounds and do everything to make sure that you're finding the best that you can find. It makes everything so much smoother if you really can rely on the choices that you're making.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

Oh, that's very powerful to rely on the choices you're making. And yeah, that's a powerful statement to say. And I'm sure you did that, you and your family for Rufus, and uh also when you mentioned there are many level of care communities out there, that's a subject that yes, it's uh sometimes not spoken about and uh day to day, and uh it's just something that we can bring highlights of how many depending on the care that your loved one needs, and um you've touched on that. So people doing their homework is very important. If you had just to give uh advice to someone who's going through it right now, who is really having a difficult time at this moment.

SPEAKER_02 14:46

If they're having a difficult time, not to keep it within themselves to get help, and there is help. The neurologist suggested that Rufus see a psychiatrist, which he did on a regular basis, and I went with him to those. And so if you're having trouble of any kind, I think you need to reach out. There there is help.

SPEAKER_01 15:08

Alright, so as you heard from Anne, the best advice you can give to anyone who is in this journey right now, especially if you're facing a difficult time, is to seek help for both yourself and your loved one. Because there's help out there that can make the journey a little bit easier and it can make it enjoyable for you as you journey with your loved one. So, as we conclude today's episode, I want first and foremost to extend my heartfelt gratitude to our guest Anne for sharing her insights, wisdom, and experience with us. It is very enlightening information that she has shared, and I believe our listeners will carry this with them along after the episode ends. Uh, remember to subscribe to our podcast for more enriching discussions like this. And if you found value in today's conversation, please share it with your friends and family. And I will have more episodes coming up, and as a senior care provider, I am grateful that families like Anna have entrusted me with care of their loved ones and many others. And as I continue on this journey, I hope you'll keep on listening to my experiences that I will share in the next episode, where I will share from the perspective as a senior care provider. So make today's episode be an encouragement to you as a journey of your loved one. Thank you for tuning in, and until next time, take well.