This Is Me

The Art of Weathering Life's Storms: Family, Work, and Personal Growth

• Marilyn

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Have you ever felt the weight of a loved one's mental illness, like a storm you didn't ask for but must weather? I have been trying to navigate through the emotional turbulence of having a brother battling mental illness, the heartache of how societal structures failed him, and the confronting aftermath of a tragic incident. I also touch on the struggles of maintaining a positive attitude amidst workplace challenges, offering an honest look at the resilience required in such situations. 

Ever wondered about the complexities of human behavior, and why we often get entangled in trying to understand the actions of others? I take you through the whirlpool of emotions and thought processes that confronts me when grappling with people's reactions, and the vital importance of letting go. Drawing on personal narratives, I shed light on the art of self-healing, the power of acceptance, and how liberating it can be to disconnect from others' frustrations and concerns. 

Balancing life and setting priorities isn't always a walk in the park, is it? As I share my experiences of raising children, learning new skills, and the choice to publicly share my journey. I discuss breaking generational curses, and my perspective on managing life's unpredictabilities. 

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Speaker 1:

Hello everyone and welcome back to this Is Me. I am Marilyn podcast and I have my best friend with me, dana Marie Beauty. You're Hi friends, hi. Thank you for joining my podcast, of course you're welcome. So Dana's been with me all weekend and we have been friends for almost 15 years now. Well, we went to high school together, but we really didn't know each other. I didn't, I just knew your brother, okay.

Speaker 1:

And I just knew that you were his sister. But we didn't hang out, we just pass each other. It was nothing. And whatever After high school we then became, it was fate. It was fate how it all worked out. We won't go into the details, but we are just inseparable.

Speaker 1:

If you follow me, you see my makeup, my photo shoots, dana says my makeup and she's always behind the scenes in the photo shoot and I cannot do anything without her by my side. I can, but I fail. I cannot do it. I tried to do one photo shoot and Dana was in there and everything just fell out of alignment. I hated my makeup, I hated the pictures, I hated everything. And Dana's just there. You're just there to just be like okay, friend, neck, chin, waist, suck it in. I think she'll do that. We all need that. But Dana's been with me this weekend just because we went out.

Speaker 1:

But I've been going through a lot of kind of priority. You didn't even get a tissue, I didn't even get started. But I think that when you go through something in life, it's just so important to have the right support around you. Some of the things, a few of the things, because when it rains, it pours. My brother is bipolar, schizophrenic, and it is something that I don't talk a lot about. It not for any particular reason, but because it's just something you deal with. It's a family issue and it's just your second nature, so you just.

Speaker 2:

And it's overwhelming to talk about that all the time. You want to talk about it all the time, it's already a lot. It's not something you do in a regular Tuesday conversation.

Speaker 1:

Right, but it's just Right, exactly. You deal with it and my brother is an amazing soul. He will give you the shirt off of his back. We grew up in the hood. Not too many people went to college, graduated. He did all of that. He was an all-American wrestler, has two masters degree, was a teacher at one point in his life, has a beautiful son.

Speaker 2:

Has a big, has a disease, has trouble.

Speaker 1:

And the mental illness just took over him when he was up in college.

Speaker 1:

Fortunately, he was able to still push through and the life has been very challenging for him, very difficult, very. I felt like he just he has never accepted his illness, so has never handled it properly. But fortunately and unfortunately, the system failed him in a sense because Well, but it also is because he has family members he has gotten into so much shit and because he has me, or some of my family members, but particularly me, because I've always been the point of contact has just been there till just get him out of shit or just like Once they see like families involved, they're willing to help a little more. So it just sucks like for those people who do have mental illness, they don't have anybody. So to wrap up, what happened?

Speaker 1:

My brother has been off his mask for about two months and he got into a confrontation with a roommate and it was physical. The man passed away, succumbed to his injuries as a result of the fight, of the altercation. So now my brother is in a situation where he may be going to jail forever. It's just like what, we just don't know. It's fairly new, but it's just so painful to deal with because this isn't who he is and he wasn't in his right state of mind, but at the end of the day, someone did lose their life. How do you process that? It's just very difficult all around for all the parties involved, and my heart reaches out. These people lost somebody, so I'm dealing with that.

Speaker 2:

Then at work, Hello, how long y'all want this podcast to be? Oh my god.

Speaker 1:

But it's like you know, I'm always trying to stay positive, trying to live righteous, and the weapons that are just constantly, constantly, constantly, constantly, just trying to be formed against me, it's I'm fighting them. I get up every morning, I'm fighting them, then at work it hasn't been the first time that this has happened, you know. I've told you about it several times. I like how crazy my boss has spoken to me and Thursday was just like the straw that brought the camel's back. He just violated my personal space. It was, and I the crazy part is that I had told him that one of the reasons why I got divorced was because of verbal abuse. It is a trigger for me. And when I tell you like I have anxiety now because of it, like my chest literally hurts, like the pressure and everything, and then for you to, a few days later, violate my personal space and when I go and have a meeting with you, you just want to like oh, it's just a regular Tuesday, it's okay, it's not bad, I had a bad day. No, unacceptable.

Speaker 2:

It's just insane. Your bad day doesn't warrant my mistreatment. This is you having a bad day. You can't take it out on me.

Speaker 1:

You can use people as a punching bag. Absolutely not, and that was that's what's going on. So I ain't got no job, Craig.

Speaker 2:

I ain't got no job. Wait, you want a copper. Struck for that.

Speaker 1:

And then I found out Rome's going to need his tonsils removed. This all happened in one day. This happened on Thursday, one day. Well, at least you got it all out the way.

Speaker 2:

You're right. They say he's giving you old bad news. That's laid out and you just sort it.

Speaker 1:

But to date he stood with me all weekend, we cried it out, we danced it out, we laughed it out, and you have no idea it's, it is a blessing. Oh, and then I'll talk about like I don't speak to my family members anymore, not even my mom, and that in itself, like I've been going through that the last couple of months because you know that generational curse of that toxicity and you know it's. I have been so intentional about finding my peace, removing everything that is not for me, that is toxic. And sometimes that can be your own immediate family where they talk about you, they're jealous of you, and you don't want to even think like it's your own, because it's like, look at me, I'm doing great, I'm, I'm standing strong, like why wouldn't you want the best for me?

Speaker 2:

Right and there's no, and the mess of ours is like there really isn't a reason as to why you, you're coming against me like this, like what is? What is the reason? Yes, it's like the confusing part, because it's just like, but but you're my family.

Speaker 1:

What am I missing? But when they say, when you're trying to break generational curses, you will always have a target on your back. And that is what I feel, like I'm experiencing, like I am being faced with all of these situations as a test to be put. Be you know, be uncomfortable, to bring me into the next chapter, but right now I just need a moment, right, right.

Speaker 2:

It's like listen, let me call God right now and ask him if I'm on his strongest soldier list next year, 2024. Don't put me on a roster, I don't want to be the strongest soldier. Lord, do you hear me Like?

Speaker 1:

you can't be like yeah, I did a video like that at the end of 2020. Like, I don't want to be like Lord, please.

Speaker 2:

I don't want to.

Speaker 1:

But you know, you're, you're. You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 1:

Right and your friends become your family. That's right, so I appreciate you.

Speaker 2:

Love you friend.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for cleaning me up. Do you have an opinion or your feeling of anything that?

Speaker 2:

No, I'm just taking a moment. It's just, I guess, just with certain situations, what you're going through. I'm like, I'm Be vocal, be blunt be.

Speaker 1:

This is a diary for us.

Speaker 2:

I'm very like baffled, I'm confused, like when you look at stuff and you watch stuff, because you just don't know people's thought process and you're like but why? And that's always my question. It's like but why? What's going on, what's happening? Why is it? Why you know, but you can't explain people. You can't.

Speaker 1:

I think that the getting caught up on the why is what really drives you to like Madness.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I need to know why Like that's my thing right. Like I'll just leave it on and be like no why.

Speaker 1:

But I think we have to let go of the why, because once you learn of the why, what difference is it going to make?

Speaker 2:

Because then I'll know, like I'll understand, like, if I know why, I can Even though, okay, let's say you figure out the why. I might not agree or whatever with the why. But I can either understand or you know I can move from there. I don't know like I would have to know the why. Sometimes it bothers me no for sure.

Speaker 1:

Perfect example. Why was so many people bothered when I decided to announce that I have a boyfriend? Do you and guys? That is really when everything just like Came to a head. The can of worms have just. I've been fighting weapons since I've been announced or since I started. You know dating, and why.

Speaker 2:

That is a million dollar. Question Till this day.

Speaker 1:

Why was so many people bothered? But it's like I had to let that shit go, Because if I sit there and try to figure out why this person, why that person, why this person, why that person, that is a full time job. Think about it, I'm trying to look.

Speaker 2:

We have enough time to understand ourselves.

Speaker 1:

Right, you can't, but I'm glad you said that. But I know myself Because I've taken the time to work on myself and heal myself. So because I know myself the why as to why they're so bothered. They're bothered, I am bothered because we're going out, we're going to concerts and dinners and holding hands in the park, Like I can't be bothered by their bothers. Botheredness of the why, of why I'm in a relationship as convoluting as that's just sounded. That's how chaotic and crazy the situation is. So, if you said it, well, why this person who gives a fuck? And I had to learn that and I had to let that go and.

Speaker 1:

I had to. That was the test. How are you going to handle it? Because if you're so worried about what other people say, if you're so and for me, I'm the last person to give a fuck what anybody has to say. But I think what was bothering me so much was that it was in my inner circle, so because of that, it was hurtful.

Speaker 2:

And that's why you'd want to know the why. Because I feel like if it's so close you know this is like if you're in a circle or whatever it's like you should Like why is it bothering me so much? If it was strangers, you don't give a shit.

Speaker 1:

But that's why the why bothers me Right, right, but I had to let that go.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you gotta let it go and try to move past it, but it's just like for me I don't feel like you can move, I can't move, I wouldn't be able to move past it and move forward and everything is okay, unless I knew why. Because I don't know why, it's about to happen again. It's going to happen again.

Speaker 1:

I just feel like for me, I just reached to a point where it was over and like it was a movie on repeat and I was the main character. It's like why am I the main character? Why am I always being attacked? I'm the one who's always helping, I'm the one who's always like the point of contact, I'm the one. So why am I the one that's always constantly getting attacked? And then, when you open up and start confronting, now you're confrontational, of course. Now you're being argumentative. Now you want to argue about everything. Now you have, now I'm the issue. Because now I'm starting to put some uncomfortable, because I'm asking about the why People are crazy.

Speaker 2:

It's a mad mad world.

Speaker 1:

And I think for me everyone's like you're so nice, You're so positive and stuff. This is genuinely who I am and to me I don't know what people equate to having a lot, but I know what my vision board looks like. I know what's on my goal list, so for me, I have what I need. I want more, but I say that to say like I don't even got it all right and motherfuckers, is still trying to disturb my peace.

Speaker 1:

You know I'm saying like because what's more important to me than anything, than the material stuff, it's just peace, happiness and my children being happy. Like that is my priority in life, mm-hmm, is not to fuck up my children. Oh, right, right, that is my priority in life.

Speaker 2:

I'm breaking another generational curse.

Speaker 1:

I'm always and I feel at it. Sometimes I argue with my kids fail.

Speaker 2:

Maybe not feeling fail, but sometimes it's just like you don't have the answers.

Speaker 1:

I don't have the answers. I'm still trying to figure it out.

Speaker 2:

Like Everybody's still trying to figure out life, and you did just. So happens that you're all you're trying to figure out your life and the other little lives that you have, so it's like it's a lot, it's a lot. No one has anything figured out. Life is just everybody's just trying to best.

Speaker 1:

Girl. I'm trying between my brother, my job, the kids trying to you know, balance everything trying to be an entrepreneur. Figure it all out. You know I'm self-made. No one's taught me. I'm self-taught on everything everything you see, I'm self-taught. I've been doing this for over 10 years. When I was in Atlanta, I sat there for hours, learned how to edit my videos. Like you know, much money sweat, wasted on trying different equipment I wasted well wasn't well.

Speaker 1:

It was wasted by couldn't use it money, but it's trial and error and yeah, and I'm not gonna stop because I enjoy doing it. I'm not gonna give up. I know, like I've always said, just sitting on the mic and whatever, like this is my end. Another thing people had an opinion about is how I handled my divorce and how I put my business out there, and the fact that I have to explain to people, or even the closest people to me, like I Made the decision to put myself out there. This social media world, we're all living in it.

Speaker 2:

What are?

Speaker 1:

you that old-school mentality of what state happens in the house stays in the house? Don't talk, you know.

Speaker 2:

Keep your shit but I mean, for certain things, yeah, you share what you want.

Speaker 2:

I need to know basis on a need to know basis or whatever the case is. But, um, I find that when somebody like this they just trying to portray, portray being like this good, like a good husband or a good or whatever, whatever, and Behind closed doors, you being something else, I'm telling, I'm telling, yeah, like you said long gone other days, but I'm gonna be behind closed doors suffering and no, why, if you want to tell it, you tell it. If it's a part of your story to tell and you feel You're comfortable enough in telling it, or whatever the case is, and you don't mind, that's, that's basically your prerogative and you're right to do.

Speaker 1:

I just I've learned, I've noticed and I've learned. You know I'm a human observer, like. I'm able to just like observe people, and you know I'm a very confident person, not cocky, confident. I just it's just always been my demeanor since I was a little girl and just very, you know, outgoing or whatever. Not everyone's like that, and not that I anyone assigned me to be An advocate For that, but I was the girl in high school who protected the nerds or the kids that got bullied because I was a popular girl. You know I never had a crowd. I was in this crowd. I jumped from this crowd to that crowd, ta-da-da, because don't box me in.

Speaker 2:

I want to talk to, I want to talk to.

Speaker 1:

I want to do what I do. I showed used to show up to parties by myself. I had my card. No, can you know, because I want to get there when I want to get there and I want to leave when I want to get Leave. I'm still like that till this day and I was drove my hoop-deep to parties in high school.

Speaker 1:

Well, you know what I'm saying. So for me I don't mind it, like we're all life thing together, practice what you post. And for me to have the confidence or the voice and be like yo, this is just going on. We live in social media. We don't got yellow books or white pages or Rolodexes anymore. You know what I'm saying. So it's like, all right if I want to be an entrepreneur. This is what is this social media shit about? You know I'm almost 40, so I'm a little old school, but I'm open-minded to move with the times, to change with the time. So when I decided to put my marriage out there, what happened? It wasn't fair for me to show everyone sweating to the wedding, the baby you showed, the whole good, but none of the bad.

Speaker 2:

It's. I'm not fake. Well, that's what social media is right. They're gonna show you the good, but they're not gonna show you the air mattress on the floor.

Speaker 1:

They're gonna take the picture right next to it.

Speaker 2:

Right, it's a perspective, right the angle and shit like that, but you're on your journey to be an influencer or whatever, and you feel like you want to share that moment because that's the real raw life situation. This is what's happening Literally in real time and there's, but you know what, even though there's still things that you don't want to share, because you feel like you don't have to necessarily share, just know that I have to share everything.

Speaker 2:

Every just know that this is the shit that's going on and it's not just a decision that was made lightly. I feel like there's no people think they're just like, oh, you just want to give. It's just like there is shit that's happened or happening and stuff like that that can't be dealt with or you refuse to have yourself in that situation, you refuse to be in that. You know what I'm saying and yeah, I don't say it because you don't. It's like if I did, it believe is for good reason, exactly, and that's it Can you repeat that again.

Speaker 2:

If I did, it believe is for good reasons, that's it.

Speaker 1:

Trust Right. Trusting your friend, trusting your person, that the decisions that they're making in their life is for them, to feed them, that they know what they're doing. Yeah, that one was strong Trust that the decisions that they're making it's for a reason.

Speaker 2:

People just don't. I don't know about other people, but I, you or whatever, we just don't do things. Just you know, because everything is thought about day and night, in a shower, in the bed, in the car, in the car. Like you think about it, you think about it, you think about it, you make a move and you make that move. You've thought about it, so I don't necessarily need anybody else.

Speaker 1:

To approve of it.

Speaker 2:

To approve of it or to tell me or whatever the case is, and if I feel like, if I share it with you, I feel like we're close enough for you to get that information.

Speaker 1:

Do you know how many women? And I guess maybe this is the part that I don't share because I don't do things for the the praise and the glory and the attention and shit like that. The praise and the glory and the attention exactly it was. I was getting unindated with so many messages and emails and literally I would send like video messages to mothers who would ask me. Or you know, like I had this, one mom is like I see what you do with your kids.

Speaker 1:

And you know, people don't know me how much of a mom I am or I'm. Now is when I'm starting to share, like me yelling at Kaden and stuff like that.

Speaker 1:

but I also want to respect the boys and you know I'm not forcing them into my world and I don't want them embarrassed and whatever, but she's like do you have any advice? This is what's going on and my daughter's suicidal. You know like I take my time to do and I want to do it, like the fact that you think that I can have. It's humbling and it's not easy maybe.

Speaker 2:

I feel like I don't have it all together. I'm still trying to figure it out.

Speaker 1:

But you feel like you know, yeah, or you have to like, ask me, like wow do you know how many women I receive messages from once I put like once she fell for divorce six months later.

Speaker 2:

It's like, oh my god and people will share that because they want to keep this image right, like everything is okay, but I'm not. Yeah, like everything's okay they just stick it out because they they're afraid of what other people are gonna say.

Speaker 1:

But but now they see here someone like me. He put whatever and I just put it out, and now it gives them. Women have left their husbands or their mates because I did it. They literally said I left because of you. Because you did it, I was scared, you was, you had nothing, I was sleeping on a couch. This time last year you don't say what I'm saying, like for me, so I'm not gonna go and share people's stories or whatever, or this is why I do it. I don't need it like. I'm sharing my story and I just hope that in the journey of it all, I can help someone and that for me is payment enough.

Speaker 2:

I need payment now, though god, you know, god, that was a time. Emotional payment's nice. But that cash money, the stuff that we can count, you'll like that please.

Speaker 1:

But um, I know we went on a little bit of a rant, it's okay, I just had a light it out. Thank you, friend. I hope you come back to the podcast where we do you talk about this is new for me it's new. You were a little. You were a little shy. She was a little shy y'all. That's not like talking. I'm like signing to her. Don't get to the mic, but in the mic she's like get closer to the mic. I usually do um.

Speaker 1:

I started doing visual but, I set up the camera today because my eyes look like I got punched. Oh, god, I'm just not feeling it right now, so you're just gonna get the audio today, but it's all right as long as you're getting this message. Yeah, the message is life is going to life.

Speaker 1:

The message is that weapon, the moment you walk out of your door, weapons are already forming, but you have to stay tentose down and stay prayed up and stay in your faith so they do not form, because the only way I have been able to get up every day is with God and knowing he is lifting me and he's taking the covers off of me, and he is covering me that anything that is happening in my life is not by mistake. Everything is serves the purpose so when you feel like you're receiving a message, when you feel like God is trying to reach out, when you say, hey, god, give me a sign, be steady, be still, remain who you are, remain authentic, because God will speak to you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah it's crazy. It's like sometimes, when you say God, please give me a sign you're expecting, like um a thunder lightning you're expecting, like maybe like uh, something cute, or you know, the wind will blow past you and it just blew something at your feet. But no, sometimes a sign is the shit you're going through. She's crazy.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that's true you know what's crazy? I know I was gonna wrap up and I don't know where I put my journal. That's right, this one hold on. It's on the bedroom before before I wrap up. I do want to say this because that's so crazy that you said that, that the sign is what you're going through, because everything happened on Thursday. Right, the altercation with my brother happened last week, two weeks ago, august 4th.

Speaker 1:

Um, I'm not sure exactly when the man passed, but I learned that he's Thursday of it on Thursday, like on Thursday more, like I've been feeling just out of what just you know, like with every, with all of that, with all of that news. And Thursday morning I woke up. I haven't really been on my routine like that, I just whatever. Um, I woke up Thursday morning, I listened to a sermon, as I usually do every morning, got on my computer, did a few things before I went to work and I wrote in my journal and I was writing in my journal. I'm not always writing in my journal, excuse me, um, but I do write my visions and stuff like that.

Speaker 2:

But this particular day I just just like something to separate in your journal and this was before you got all the information, because you were just starting your morning this was starting my Thursday morning, when everything happened, when I learned of my brother the shit that happened at work. No, but when you wrote in your journal, was this before you found out about your brother. Instead, this was like early morning yeah early, early early.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, before I left the house in the morning early, it was like seven o'clock in the morning. Hold on, oh no, was that? This was 8, 17 me today was today.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I'm not gonna read the whole journal but I'm gonna read the last paragraph, because the point is I'm piggybacking off what you said that sometimes, when you ask for a sign, the sign is what you're actually going through. And before I left my house to go to work, I wrote the only thing in my life right now, god, that I wish I can change is not having to go to an office and being able to work from home and when I was verbally abused.

Speaker 1:

An hour later when I got to work and I walked out of that office and they were like begging me back, calling me back, and I was so close to call going back. I'm like no, but I was already like having my anxiety attacks, like crying, like I am just, I was just miserable, I was just miserable. But then I just think about my kids and rent is due and this is this, and you got bills and oh my god, like my shit is not cheap, like what am I gonna do? Like I need? And I was on the phone with my sister and she's like, but didn't you ask God this morning?

Speaker 1:

right did you not ask God this morning that you did not want to go to an office? And now he's removing it and you're gonna be disobedient and go back? I said, well, you're right, you're right. I left. I stay ten toes down. I had a meeting yesterday. The gas lighted me. I was just like like I was in what do you call like an assimilation?

Speaker 2:

yeah, yeah, I'm like, are we?

Speaker 1:

just gonna act like my personal space wasn't violated, that I wasn't treated like I was a toddler like I was in, verbally assaulted and almost physically assaulted, like there's several complaints that I've submitted of being spoken to in a condescending tone, whatever nothing.

Speaker 1:

No, we're gonna know that so so you're right, the signs can come good or bad, but pay attention, mm-hmm. Pay attention and be intentional. I saw like offer today. Thank you, dana Marie beauty. You can follow her on Instagram all her social medias. Dana Marie Beauty spelled out how it sounds exactly DNAH Marie beauty as always. Thank you for tuning in, like, subscribe, share, tell somebody and tell somebody, and I will talk to you soon.