Unraveling the Narcissist: My Personal Journey to Recovery

I never imagined that I would ever share my personal journey of surviving a narcissistic marriage. It's raw, intense, and sometimes, painful. Yet, here I am, peeling back the layers of my relationship with my ex-husband, reflecting on a time when I was his biggest cheerleader, to the point where his narcissistic tendencies began to unravel, and my sanity seemed to slip away. My saving grace? Recording our exchanges, a confirmation to myself that I wasn't losing my grip on reality - I was being gaslighted.

Now, emerging stronger from the shadows of that harrowing experience, I am humbled by the outpouring of support from you, my listeners. Your courage in sharing your own experiences and your willingness to listen to mine make me realize that none of us are alone on this journey. Together, we are exploring the influence of family dynamics, the importance of setting boundaries, and the power of documenting incidents - something that was my lifeline during my divorce proceedings. The journey to healing might be strenuous, but finding your voice, seeking support, and asking those difficult questions are essential stepping stones. So, let's continue to walk this path together, learning from each other's experiences and growing stronger every step of the way.

Chapters

• 0:01 Surviving a Narcissistic Marriage
• 10:26 Gratitude for Support and Speaking Out

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hello everyone and welcome back to this Is Me. I am Marilyn. Podcast, the exclusive version. First, I want to apologize for not really posting anything. I only posted one episode, but this is a paid subscription and I didn't really think anyone wanted to listen. However, to date, I have a few subscribers, so thank you so much to those who have subscribed. The reason why I decided to create an exclusive subscription is because the idea was to start really letting go my therapy session of what occurred during my marriage, with all of the details. I went back and listened to the first episode that I uploaded on this channel to get a refresher, and it was basically the year that I met my husband so, to continue, my ex-husband, because since then the divorce has been finalized when I met my husband and, as you know, before I get started again, I just want to reiterate that this is not a bashing channel. By no means am I trying to discredit anyone. However, this is my story, this is what transpired in my life and once I started putting my story out there and sharing it, it has helped so many women and for me, I am an open book. I don't have a problem with sharing my life, because social media is not perfect what the images that people portray for it to be. With that said, once I put my story out there, it just has helped so many women and it has also helped me in my healing journey to be continued.

Speaker 1: 2:04

When I met my ex-husband, he was an attorney fresh out of law school, working at a boutique law firm. I have, at that time, had already been a paralegal for many, many years, so I was a little bit more experienced in the industry. And when I met him, he thought he was winning. He thought he was winning and I am just like what are you doing? You're a black leprechaun, just speaking life into him, just seeing his potential. I essentially dusted him off, cleaned up his look, polished him, you know, forced him, pushed him to seek bigger and better, and he did. He took my advice and that's essentially what happened. He went out to bigger firms making more money and with that he came, with him feeling himself and for me and again, I just put a pin because I had lost my train of thought before, the reason why I started this I am a narc survivor, a survivor of a narcissistic person, and before I got with my ex-husband, we used a narcissist or the term narcissist, so much that it was almost saturated that, honestly, to be honest, I was very naive to it and I did not know, nor was I aware that it was such a thing, or it is a thing and there's different types of narcissists.

Speaker 1: 3:40

They're such as people can be diagnosed with having narcissistic personality and you know, if you listen to my main channel recently uploaded an episode where I do have a brother who has bipolar schizophrenia. So I'm fully familiar with the mental health, but I just did not know that this was just another form of it and it is a disease that, if you are not aware of it, you know you could just continue to live your life like this, and I think that my ex-husband is honestly in denial because, while I feel like he is a narcissist based off his environment, being raised by narcissistic family members. So, in any event, after I polished him and pushed him to just do great, I, as I explained in the first episode, I then became a submissive wife because I said, okay, you know what, I'm home, let me take the role of being that way for him, that supporter, what he needed. I made sure that when he got home from work, food was done. Kids were nice and polished, house was nice and clean. He didn't have to come home and stress for anything. And then this became my routine, my routine, and you know, having children back to back I it was easy to lose myself because I wasn't feeling good about myself and you know, my ex-husband is an attractive man and you know he's very fit and stuff and I'm just like, and while he just played the role so well on paper, the farthest thing that I thought was that he was a serial cheater. But we're going to get to that a little bit later.

Speaker 1: 5:40

What started happening was I started to get rejected. Anytime I would go to touch him. It was like no, babe, I'm tired, or this or that. And before we got married, I know that some of the questions were did you see red flags or did you? He had to have revealed himself. But you know, again, I was not aware of this narcissistic behavior and it actually being a thing I thought was like we're having kids back to back.

Speaker 1: 6:22

Covid happened. We're planning a wedding, you know, aside from that, I have two older children and it's just the responsibility and pressure of just day to day and we were already reaching our like four or five year mark and you know you hear these stories where at that time is when it's like a hump, and if you make that, if you reach that hump and get over it, you know you guys are good. But during the time, covid was our best year, obviously because we were trapped together and he wasn't exposed to the outside world. My husband, my ex husband, had this very nice demeanor and political smile. I like to call it to him that when you look at him at first glance, is you wouldn't? He portrayed the image so well that you wouldn't believe the stories that I would tell. Because if you look at him you're like it's impossible, you're lying.

Speaker 1: 7:36

Fortunately, it just got to the point where I Started feeling like I was crazy, like what I was bitching and complaining about Weren't valid or it was. It was almost like I was made to feel like my, my reality was not real. So because of that, I started to record our conversations. I started to record him. I started to Record our arguments, like I said in my first episode, like we didn't argue a lot. But boy, oh boy, when we did, it was Such an intimidating factor and at first I'm just, like you know, like when we argue, I don't feel like the angers towards me. It's like you're fighting a demon inside. It's like a deep rooted how about let's get counseling, let's get therapy? And you know he's like, yeah, I would change and he would change, but just enough to throw off the scent and I Just couldn't understand and I was just like one day he's like loving, the next day it was like juggling hide. And Another situation that played into our relationship was the family.

Speaker 1: 8:54

It the family, family can have a lot of influence in your relationship if you're not protected of that and if you don't set your boundaries. So I just need a second you guys, because this is very hard, because by me sharing this story it is Taking, taking myself back there. I have reached a point where I can talk about it without crying, but just remembering all the little stuff. And when you're going through, you know I had Fall for the divorce and every time an incident happened, I would always email or text my attorney and she documented every single thing and we had to file legal documents and she cited every single thing and when you finally read it, pen to paper, it is like whoa, this is the life that I was living. This is a dysfunction that I was subjecting myself to, but, um, all right, I'm gonna leave it here. Next episode would be about the family. If there are things that you have questions about I know that I have received a lot of questions via instagram or email On how I survived or what some of the things, and how I got out of it, where I found the strength Please feel free to message me and I'll answer them the best that I can.

Speaker 1: 10:26

Again, thank you to my new subscribers. I really appreciate the love and support more now than ever. I really really need it and, um, you're not alone in this journey. Don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty for speaking up, for finding your voice. Surviving a narcissist is a true thing, and Don't make any, don't allow anyone to make you feel like you're playing victim, because we are a victim in this situation and some get out of it and some don't. So, fortunately, I got out of it. Thank you so much for tuning in. I am Forever grateful and humble, as always. I will talk to you soon.