Confronting a Narcissistic Legacy

Embarking on a journey of self-discovery can be a tumultuous ride, especially when the roadmap is etched with the scars of a childhood overshadowed by narcissistic parenting. It's Marilyn here, and in sharing my own story, I reveal how the echoes of a father's harsh words and a mother's misplaced priorities propelled me on a quest for self-empowerment. This episode is not just a narrative of my struggles; it's an invitation to explore the profound questions about the relationships we attract, the challenges in setting boundaries, and the significance of confronting our painful past to embrace a healthier future.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hello everyone and welcome back to this Is Me podcast, and I am Marilyn. Today I want to talk about being raised by narcissistic parents. I just want to start off by saying that the new year, new me thing I'm not applying that to myself. This January for me is more like a continuation to continue to do the work that I've been doing this past year with self-care and self-healing and really honing in on my deeper self. Because what I endured all of those years like I can put so much blame on one person. But at the end of the day, I really have to reflect on myself and when I've been setting my boundaries and doing the self-discovering and being in my state of quietness, things have revealed themselves and friends, family and I just really started just like looking at everything around me, like my surroundings, like what is it that's affecting me, what is it that is not bringing me happiness or not elevating me? And you don't want to look at the people who are closest to you because you just don't ever expect it or you just think that they just have your best interest at heart. And I had to continue to ask myself why am I attracting these men, these narcissistic men, from my first kid's father to my ex-husband, and it's been in front of me the entire time. And let me just make something clear that I never really knew that narcissism was such a prevalent thing, like I didn't think that it was such a. It was a thing to begin with, and now that I'm learning more about it and becoming knowledgeable about it and understanding that it's an actual disease, and now understanding that I was raised by narcissistic parents, it just makes sense that I was just going back to my comfort. I was just conforming to what I just knew best because I didn't know anything else.

Speaker 1: 2:47

And as of late, I have just been so emotional, just drained, like just there are days where I don't even want to get out of bed and I just don't understand why. But you know, my dad kind of just like unleashed on me and there wasn't anything that really like triggered him like I really there was nothing that really caused the action for him to just say those terrible things to me, just basically like when I go against the family. That's why nothing good is happening in my life and you know what do you think social media is gonna be there for you and I'm not gonna amount to anything and that I committed the adultery and I even got into it with my mother I think a few podcasts last summer. You know how she just really came for me because I was dating a year after I left my husband and it's just like man. Why are? Why do they have this perception of me and not when I really sit down and think about? It's like my parents never told me that they're proud of me, or instead of my mother saying, oh, you weren't happy in that marriage, you weren't being treated right, don't worry about it, do what makes you happy. I believe in you. If anything was like well, see if you can work it out for the kids, it's like what you know. She was just like crying for my divorce.

Speaker 1: 4:22

It was just a while to me and I just could not understand it, because the inner child all they want is their parents, but not understanding that they too have just been living in a generational cycle and that is what they were trying to project on me and while my father was saying that I go against the family and I'm disrespectful, I'm going against them because I'm no longer in a place where I'm allowed, allowing for anyone to control me and this point of my life, of understanding and clarity, and this moment of isolation. It's lonely, it's sad, but I think it's just necessary if you want to grow as an individual. And I saw this motivational video the other day and it said everyone's always saying focus on your future. What are the steps? What are the steps? And it's like you're not gonna go anywhere or move forward in the future unless you deal with your past. And it just was like an aha moment for me because I'm like damn, I've been doing so much, I'm working so hard. Like why isn't happening for me? Why isn't it happening for me? Like what is this blockage that I have? And the blockage that I have is that in my subconscious, I was always told that or made to feel like I wasn't good enough and I wasn't capable and I wasn't worthy enough. And just now, to hear my father say that, at almost 40 years old, to say basically that I'm not gonna amount to anything because I go against the family ie I no longer allowing you to control me it's like shit. This is what has been being embedded in me my entire life, so that is what's draining me.

Speaker 1: 6:29

The fight within myself is like what's holding you back, marilyn? Why are you afraid of this? So why are you afraid? Because I do have my insecurities, you know. You see me out posting the videos, or I even just doing this podcast, and it's like there's a little part of me where I'm afraid to speak or free to put myself out there because because of the rejection right, but it's like I've been being rejected my entire life by the people who are closest to me and while I do live a life where I really don't care what people say, I don't care what strangers have to say about me, because it's like I don't even know you, but to have the closest people around you just basically not wish you well, pray on your downfall like that shit hurts.

Speaker 1: 7:33

And that's the part where you constantly have to fight every day and remind yourself you are worthy, you are capable, and I have to give myself a little bit of grace that, although I'm not where I envision myself to be, that I am growing every day as a person and becoming and being the best version of myself, despite the trials and tribulations, despite those naysayers that have been around, and this hasn't been an easy journey and I know it's going to be a long way for me to just feel like I'm in a place of fulfillment in whole, because it hurts. Because it hurts, but I know that this too shall pass and I know that God is removing the people that are not for me, family included, so that the right people can be placed in my life and help me hold up the mirror to myself and know what my worth is. And I've been healing my adult self, but now I have to start healing my child self, because I think that that's what's been blocking me and I think that's growth. I think that's life, right Happiness, pain, sad betrayal but I think if you're aware, then you're on the right track and not living a life in denial and care-reading the life that you want for yourself. So that's all I got.

Speaker 1: 9:52

Thank you for listening to my rant as I learn more about surviving narcissistic patterns and I'm able to articulate myself a little better, because this is just like whoa, what the F happened? What did I miss? How long have I been living in this dysfunction and in this chaos? And everything makes sense on why I trauma bond and why I attract these men is like I essentially married my father right, and I know I'm not the only one and I know it's more common than we think. But that's not the life that I want for myself, and if it means that I'm fighting for my happiness, I'm not going to take my gloves off. I'm going to keep fighting and keep fighting for the life that I want, for the life that I'm meant to have, and no one's going to make me feel guilty for it. So again, thank you all for the continued support and, as always, I will talk to you soon.