You Cannot Build A Peaceful Life With Chaotic Habits

Transcript

Intentional Living And What’s Ahead

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to This Is Me with Marilyn, and this is what I'm gonna unpack this week. We are going to talk about the real growth, y'all, because you know I went out there, I was outside, and I was figuring it out for us. I'm gonna talk about motherhood, money, boundaries, business, healing, discipline, faith, rebuilding your life intentionally. And let me tell you, this word intention, I have been using it so hard and it has been in the forefront of my head, my brain. There's like a sign in front of me every single day because everything and anything I am doing these days, it has to be with an intention.

When Survival Mode Feels Normal

SPEAKER_00 0:42

What I'm gonna talk about is living in survival mode because I think a lot of women are functioning in it without even realizing it. I too was just in survival mode, just constantly stressing and going and going, and just every day, how can I survive? How can I just make it through this day? I think one of the hardest truths that I had to come to the realization during my growth is that I was living in chaos. I became so used to it that it started feeling like peace. Like it was so familiar, and that was it. That was my life. So when peace, actual peace finally came, it felt so unfamiliar, y'all, that I'm like, what is this? Why is it so quiet? What is going to happen? You know, it's almost like you're just waiting for the shoe to drop because it's just so uncomfortable. You know, earlier this year I had a speaking engagement in Palm Springs, and you know, the premise of my speech was about survival mode, getting out of my survival mode. And I started to get choked up because you just don't realize that once you're experienced survival mode, I was born into survival mode. That was the aha moment for me, is that I realized that I was actually born into survival mode. I was born into an abusive household. I was born into raids and stuff. So that's all I was born into it. So that was my familiarity. I always get so tongue-tied with that word, but you know what I'm trying to say. So once you're born into survival mode, you're carrying that generational curse. That's who you become. You become a product of your environment where you become hyper-independent, you stop asking people for help. You normalize ex baby, you normalize exhaustion. Like be busy, be busy, be busy. Exhaustion means winning. Exhaustion means you've won the day. You feel guilty for resting. Oh my goodness, how many of us feel guilty for resting? Like feeling anxious when things are calm, that's not normal, y'all. And then, and then it'd be those days where you just wake up and just like, why do I feel like this? What is about to happen? Like you just feel on edge when nothing is wrong. Like you're creating scenarios in your head because you're just anticipating when's the next chaos gonna happen? Like, when's the next drama gonna happen? It's so crazy just talking about it now because survival looked productive from the outside. Me surviving looked like I was actually moving. But the truth of the matter is that I was just really moving in place. I was working, taking care of my kids, handling responsibilities, showing up online, trying to build my businesses. But internally, this is something that I was just like kind of embarrassed to admit. I was carrying pressure constantly. Do you hear me? To the point where I was having so many meltdowns in the corner, wipe off my tears, suck it up, and go back to survival mode. And I think that's where a lot of the imposter syndrome came from because people were just like praising me over my overfunctioning. You know, they they'll call it strong, meanwhile, I am drowning, like I'm not even treading water. That's why that burnout just becomes addictive in a weird way, because it just made me feel like I had some purpose, like I was actually doing something. I was achieving some sort of success. You know what I mean? But by doing that, and I'm telling you right now, if you are doing that, and I know you feel this way, your energy changes. It's just very taxing on the body. Your creativity is foggy, your patience short, all right? Your confidence changes. It's just, but then that day came where I just had to really ask myself, am I really building something? Or am I just jogging into place? Am I just surviving a life? Or am I really trying to build a life? And when I really just took a moment of silence and asked myself that question is like really holding up the mirror in my face, and it's like, girl, it hit me

Healing Is Accountability Not Aesthetic

SPEAKER_00 5:14

hard. Then I realized like social media romanticizes healing way too much. People make it seem like healing is candles, journaling, affirmations, soft music, and glowing skin. That I call self-care. That is self-care, that is not healing to me. And it looks good, it's nothing wrong with that. But healing, honestly, you guys, is accountability, accountability, accountability. And yes, I said it three times because I want it to really land and hit you. That once you are accountable and you really start facing and realizing the uncomfortable truth, that maybe you've been choosing people from your wounds instead of your worth, it's realizing discipline matters more than motivation. It's admitting that you've been distracted. Mm-hmm. Distraction. The enemy is here to distract you guys. Kill, distract, destroy. What is it? I gotta learn it, but you know what I mean. But the distraction could mean avoiding things, just numbing yourself, that doom scrolling, overthinking, proc oh, procrastinating. Do you know that procrastinating is a sin? Healing is grieving, healing is shedding that old version of you. Healing is removing, releasing, removing the bondage of that person that passed you, that was holding you back from your true authentic self, the version that stayed quiet to keep the peace, the version that kept shrinking herself. You tolerated so much, you you accepted less than you deserved because you were afraid to be alone. And I'm speaking for all of us. And yeah, I already know my backstory, but that version of me that thought that love had to be earned through suffering, that version of me that carried so much, instead of being upset with myself, instead of just being angry and you know, how could you? I thanked myself. I thanked that version of me because it would have never taught me that or shown me that I was in survival mode. And the moment I realized that things don't happen to you, they happen for you because survival was never, ooh, I'm getting chills. Survival was never supposed to become my permanent address, you guys. Do you hear me? The survival mode was the testimony. We all have to go through a test for a testimony, and maybe this is you right now. Maybe this is something that you're going through. You're not lazy, you're emotionally exhausted, honey. I you're just exhausted. Your body has been in fight or flight for so long that slowing down feels so uncomfortable. But I also need to say this lovingly, all right? Put up the value. You cannot heal while staying attached to the habits that are destroying you. That includes, and you may not want to hear this, constant distractions, constant validation seeking, constant inconsistency, constant emotional chaos. And this is your big sister speaking to you.

Structure Beats Motivation Every Time

SPEAKER_00 8:41

At some point, growth requires structure. And I know people don't love hearing that, but structure changed my life more than motivation did, you guys. We need structure. This is why the Bible is here for us to give us the structure while we are on borrowed time on this earth. So this is what I started doing. Let's I love to have self-talk with myself. I talk to self constantly. Do you hear me? One day my son is like, Mom, are you talking to yourself? I am. We got to talk this out, honey. All right. So I asked myself, the woman that I want to become in the future, what does she do daily? What would the woman I want to become do daily? Not every so often, daily, right? Because it says, give us our daily bread. Not the bread for next week, not the bread for tomorrow. Give me my daily bread. So yeah, what does she look like? Because your life is not built from your intentions, is built from your patterns. Consistency, you guys, consistency, intentional, being intentional. And you know I love me a good motivation, honey, but you know, I had to come to the realization, which was a little bit uncomfortable. I realized that I didn't need another vision board. I needed systems because I had none. I needed routines. By the way, I created a five-step morning routine. The blueprint, when I tell you it has changed my life. My day just throughout my entire day is so much better the moment I started that morning routine. And if you want to know the five steps for your morning routine blueprint, just visit my website, marilynmartinezlife.com. It is a free guide, you guys, because sometimes we just need to see it. Sometimes we just need somebody to sit there and remind us. So yeah, I needed routines, I needed boundaries, and I needed focus. I think we all do. There's always going to be distractions. But I think the part of just building yourself up and really like knowing who you are is just having that strength to stay focused and consistent in order to rebuild your life. And what does that look like? That looks like going to the gym when you don't feel like it. Because, honey, I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I've been to the gym and sat in the car for 30 minutes before walking in. But I walked in and I do it, do do it. Or what about posting the content when engagement is low? That can be discouraging. Listen, my content has been contenting, and sometimes engagement is not where I want it to be, but I'm just gonna keep going. I'm following up with my consistency, I'm learning new skills while doing it, I'm taking care of my health. These are all things that I am pouring in. We got to keep pouring, filling up that cup, getting your finances together, keeping the promises to yourself, create start, start creating your non-negotiables. My recent non-negotiables, I don't care what I have going on. I've actually cut down my streaming hours, which i.e. cuts down my income, but my non-negotiables has been going to the gym three times a week. Not only for my physical, but I need it for my mental. And that's a promise I'm keeping to myself. Logging off. Let's the Doom scrolling. Do you know how many people I speak to and they tell me that they wake up in the morning and the first thing they do is grab their phone? Like, I couldn't even imagine doing that today. Like, just think about it. The moment you, the first thing you do when you open your eyes, you're giving your access to somebody. You're taking in, or rather, you're giving other people your access by engaging in their self or looking like you're getting fed so much chaos. You're waking up to chaos. So let's stop that doom scrolling. Let's start with a morning routine. Let's take by thanking God for the day, taking a deep breath. Girl, drink some water and brush your teeth before you start doom scrolling. All right. Doing the boring things, I'm telling you guys, doing the boring things long enough for your life to change, it will work. It will work. It's the small steps that have such the bigger has that has such a big impact. That's the part that nobody claps for. Nobody claps for the ugly part. And you know me, I'm already an open book. I'd be posting content with coal in my eye because that is reality. This is reality. I'm a mother. I have mad kids. I got two small kids. I'm about to be 42. You know, I'm tired. But in that moment, in those building, in that growing, that's where the self-respect is built.

Rebuilding Identity Confidence And Legacy

SPEAKER_00 13:31

Listen to me, O Jame. The self-respect. And I think a lot of people want transformation without identity change. You have to lose that old version of yourself. You cannot build a peaceful life with chaotic habits. Do you hear me? I'm going to repeat it again. You cannot build a peaceful life with chaotic habits. You cannot build wealth while emotionally avoiding responsibility. You cannot build wealth while emotionally avoiding responsibility. You cannot become confident while abandoning yourself every day. This is why I said my non-negotiable three days a week. I have to feel good. This is an internal thing. This isn't an external. This is an internal thing. That is where my confidence is coming from. And I'm saying this because I had to confront it myself first before I share it. You know, my testimony. There were moments I realized I was consuming more than I was creating. I too was a doom scroller. Then I realized, like, hold on, M, you gotta feed the feed, baby. Thinking more than executing, because guess what? Action cures anxiety. Planning more than moving. That's why now I focus heavily on action. And listen, I'm not perfect. My actions may not be perfect at times, but I'll tell you one thing: they're consistent because confidence doesn't come from affirmations alone. Confidence comes from evidence. Once we start seeing the evidence, then that's going to give us the confidence to keep doing more and more and more. And then the evidence that you can actually start trusting yourself. You know, I'm still in my rebuilding season. Today I turned 42 and I feel absolutely amazing. And I just feel like with each year it's a new level unlocked. I'm not in a pretending season. I'm not in a performative season. I'm in my season of rebuilding, and it's such a good time in this new level of my life. I'm just honestly building discipline, peace, financial freedom, emotional stability, a healthier body, honey. Because listen, I look at food, I gained six pounds. I went out over the weekend, had a good time, went out some networking. I haven't went to a club, haven't been in a club in 15 years. You know, a healthier mind because a healthier mind, my healthier mind is just pouring more into my kids, having more of the stability to deal with them. My focus is really a legacy for my kids. I just want them to say, mommy did it, mommy kept going no matter what. And I'm learning that becoming this best version of myself requires letting go of certain versions of me. And guess what? I don't miss the old version. Oi, no, fo. The distracted version? No, we don't miss her. The emotionally reactive version, no, sure as hell don't miss her. The inconsistent version, you know, I was listening to her sermon with Keon said. No, the the title of the sermon was I am done starting over. Guys, go watch it. It's on YouTube. Pastor Keon Henderson. I am done starting over. And listen, there's nothing wrong with starting over. I am the queen of starting over. I am the queen of a good pivot, honey. But right now, in this season, I have done the work that I have this strength and this fire in me that I am done starting over. And I'm telling you, while you're going through this process, it's gonna feel lonely. It's gonna feel uncomfortable. You're gonna have moments where you want to cry. There's gonna be moments of confusion because growth changes your conversations. It changes your mood, changes the way that you walk, the talk, dressing, right? You guys know I'd be streaming on TikTok, Marilyn's underscore closet, and I tell my girls, dress for where you're going. Dress how you want to be addressed. Because when you look good, you feel good, you do good. And I'm telling you, it will change your habits, your tolerance, your circles, your priorities, and your proximity. You'll start wanting to be in the proximity of people who are elevated, elevated or doing good, like change your crowd. And I know it's so watered down, but if you want to see your future, look at your circle. And honestly, I don't know about you, but I'd rather be temporarily uncomfortable than permanently stuck. And if you're listening to this while rebuilding too, I just want you to know this. You're not behind, my love. But you do need to decide who you're becoming. Because healing without direction can turn into endless self-analysis. At some point, you have to move. Babe, you gotta move the needle. At some point, you have to stop explaining your goals and start structuring your life around them. That's the season that I'm in.

The Two Habits Question To Close

SPEAKER_00 18:32

And if you can relate, make sure you're liking, commenting, sharing this episode. But before I let you go, I want you to ask yourself this question. What habits belong to the version of me that's trying to survive? And what habits belong to the version of me I'm trying to become? And be honest, because awareness changes everything. Thank you for listening. Thank you for growing with me in real time because y'all have been with me throughout the entire journey. Again, make sure you're liking, subscribing, sharing. And as always, I will talk to you soon.