GuestCast: iWork4Him: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage

GUEST CAST EPISODE: Show notes iWork4Him
 How to Affair proof your marriage

iWork4Him is a show solely focused on the intersection of our Faith in Jesus and our Work. When these two collide – fantastic things happen all around us. People start to benefit from you following Jesus whether they believe in Jesus or not. That’s when the enemy goes full on frontal attack. He wants to compromise your reputation at work so that your testimony is no longer attractive.  What is one way he does this? An Affair with an office mate.  Whether you are a man or a woman, A committed follower of Jesus or one just finding their way in being a Jesus Follower, the enemy wants to see you fail.  How do we protect our reputation and the reputation of our savior? We need to affair proof our marriages. We need to have a solid ground to stand on at home so that our steadfastness isn’t compromised at work. Even if you are not married, an affair at work will significantly dismantle your witness as a Christian.  Today joining Martha and Jim Brangenberg is Rhonda Stoppe with www.NoRegretsWoman.com 

Rhonda Stoppe returns to iWork4Him for another great interview about marriage. 

Rhonda and Steve have been married for 42 years and she knows that they continue to need to be transparent with each other and take their advice from scripture.  When they were new parents Rhonda found herself dressing up for church on Sundays and appreciated the compliments of a gentleman there.  After a few weeks of getting compliments she approached Steve and basically explained the situation and told him he needs to compliment her more, as she was looking forward to the compliments of the man at church.  She knew this behaviour could have bad consequences and that is how most affairs get started. 

Applying that story to the workplace is pretty easy.  We need to set good boundaries and clearly protect our marriages.  We can do this by strengthening our marriages and making them a priority.  We shared the 72-hour intimacy rule with her and Rhonda is going to add that to her messaging.  Rhonda encouraged women to pursue their husbands.  This is a successful way to affair proof your marriage. 

There is a road to recovery for an affair.  God has forgiven us as far as the East is from the West.  Don’t stop protecting your marriage.  When the kids leave and our lives change we shouldn’t look elsewhere for attention.  Rhonda encouraged marriages to be careful even in our virtual relationships while we work distantly.  It can quickly get out of control.

Books:
 The Marriage Mentor - Becoming the Couple You Long to Be
A Christian Woman's Guide to Great Sex in Marriage

Listen HERE to the original episode at iWork4Him

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"This podcast is for the purpose of mentoring only and is not a replacement for therapy. We suggest you seek out the help of a trained biblical counselor for help with your specific situation.”

Transcript

GUEST CAST EPISODE:
How to Affair Proof Your Marriage with Jim & Martha Branenberg Hosts at iWork4Him Podcast where this interview with Rhonda Stoppe originally aired.

Special Thanks to Jim & Martha for granting permission to include this interview as a GuestCast episode for Old Ladies Know Stuff

Transcript:
Martha Brangenberg [00:00:00]:

This is Rhonda Stoppe for our listeners that may be just tuned in and she has Actually the best website right is no regrets woman.com Is the website that you have so no regrets woman.com. So I just want to encourage people to take a moment write that down We'll have it in the show notes and stuff for later as well.

Jim Brangenberg [00:00:20]:

I hate having my picture taken. It's such an inconvenience because I have to worry about my hair and oh wait, I actually love having my picture taken because I have no hair and I can make funny faces all the time like this. Check Marth and I out on Facebook and Instagram for all the latest on I Work For Him and of course those occasional last-minute special event podcasts that we do and funny pictures and conversations. Just search for I Work For Him. That's I Work, the number 4, him. So this is a show where we talk about faith and work and that intersection

Martha Brangenberg [00:00:53]:

and actually the integration because, right, Jesus changed all of us, all 24-7 of us. Why do you think that we should talk about making a marriage a fair proof on a Faith and Work show?

Rhonda Stoppe [00:01:09]:

Yeah, because Satan knows what works. And whether it's in a ministry marriage or whether you're in corporate America, I've been both there. If he can get a foothold. And sometimes let's be honest, that foothold is because they're not having sex at home with their wife, their or their husband, uh, you're homeschooling and you're doing a super good job at it. I speak at homeschool conventions all the time. And a woman will say to me, you know, we just don't do that thing we do right now because I'm homeschooling and I'm tired and he gets it. There's time for us later. Right now, it's all about the kids. And I'm like, well, the Bible says, Don't give Satan a foothold. And so a lot of times, that's the first thing that I would say to a fair proof your marriage is take the advice of scripture and make time. And here's the thing, there's a section in the Marriage Mentor that talks about pursuing your husband sexually has a profound influence on him in all areas of his life. Men struggle with feelings of inadequacy and loneliness, and when a wife pursues him sexually, He feels loved for who he is, and it really does make a difference the next day at the office. In fact, my husband, who's a biblical marriage counselor and a pastor, he says, in fact, it's a quote in the Marriage Mentor, something to this effect, husbands, In my experience as the biblical marriage counselor, husbands whose wives pursue them sexually are deeply in love with their wives. That doesn't say, husbands whose wives say, all right, you got 15 minutes and it's Thursday, so okay. Those wives that throw them a text in the middle of the day, hey, thinking about you, hey, I miss you. I do that. Steve has prayer meeting on Wednesday nights, and I flirt with him as he's going into prayer meeting with all those guys in his office. I don't even care.

Jim Brangenberg [00:03:00]:

Pete S. Yeah. I would say we had a pastor. It's staying connected.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:03:07]:

Staying connected throughout the day with your spouse in the little ways.

Jim Brangenberg [00:03:12]:

So true. And the sex thing. We have this thing and We tell people the top 5 things to keep your marriage, to a fair proof your marriage. And 1 of them is 72 hours. What do you mean 72 hours? You need to have sex every 72 hours. Why 72 hours? I'm like, because at hour 75, every 74, 75, guys' minds start to wonder that sex keeps them grounded. It just, it does. Now the most- Okay, I'm gonna-

Rhonda Stoppe [00:03:37]:

Go ahead. I'm gonna use that because people always ask me, how often should we do that? I'm like, well, you know, you figure it out, but I'm gonna tell them, an expert that I know said every 72 hours. Here's your prescription every

Jim Brangenberg [00:03:52]:

There you go. I gotta give credit where credit to Pastor Charlie Martin is 1 who told me that but I go 72 hours and People love that idea. All right. So how have you and Steve kept your marriage a fair proof over these 39 years. Besides the flirting during the church meetings.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:04:08]:

Right? Oh, I even like flirt with him while he's on stage before he's preaching. I throw him cute like nice, but And he just has to like once in a while, he'll throw me a wink. But you know what? I like to mess with his head before he gets up to preach. That's my job. When we were first married, before he was in ministry, we've always worked in youth ministry. He's been a senior pastor for the last 20 years. But when he worked in corporate America, I worked in corporate America. It's 1 of those things that you have to be as wise as serpents, but gentle as doves. You know, I would go visit Steve at his office and maybe there'd be someone in the office that I'd be like, dude, she's got her eye on you. No, she's got her eye on you. She's a nice girl, but she wants what I've got. And I'm just telling you, and there was Nothing inappropriate, but you know, women, we know in our knower when somebody wants our guy. And so just, yeah, I'm not jealous. I'm just saying she wants the security, this wonderful loving man. And that's the thing is there's secular women, because I'm talking right now about my husband's situation, in the secular world that are attracted to the godliness in your spouse, they don't know that it's his godliness. They know it's his kindness, that he's a family guy, that he's committed to his wife, and they want it. And when Satan starts to, you know, that flirtation that'll go on in the office or spending too much time, 1 person that my husband had counseled with who had an affair, he said, I never meant to have sex with this woman. She would come to my office, we would talk about this or that. She started telling me about her marriage troubles and I started fantasizing about being with her. And he said, I'm not an attractive guy. I was flattered that this attractive woman was attracted to me. And he said, 1 day we had sex in my office. And it destroyed him because he was a godly man, like David, you know, when it talks about how my bones that you crushed within me, that conviction that David had, he hid his sin for a year before he finally, Nathan said, you are the man, and he confessed. But we have to be wise as serpents and gentiles does. That kindness, that godliness, that can be a light that shines for the gospel in the workplace, can also be something that someone who doesn't understand what they're seeing, something that they want and that Satan can use to tempt a God. If David who wrote the Psalms could have an affair and do the things that he did, any 1 of us can. The Bible says,

Jim Brangenberg [00:06:49]:

to him who says, he stands, take heed lest you fall. We have to know how vulnerable we are. I think your point was, the question was, you know, what are you guys doing to a fairer proof your marriage? Having your, having, but what you did is you, you, you went and you showed, Hey, he's mine. You went into the office. He's mine. You show that you guys love each other and to mark your territory, you know, like a dog would do, they'd mark their territory, hey, don't go my territory, you're out there marking, I didn't mean to compare you to a dog, that's not what I meant, but you're marking your territory going, this is my man, I'm going to the office, I'm showing who I, and that's really important to do, And that's why I always love to bring Martha into the office because most, as I have found, is most women are extremely, they are respectful of other, if they see, oh, this man is committed to this woman. A lot of times they say, well, they're committed to each other. I'm not gonna step in that territory.

Martha Brangenberg [00:07:48]:

I've seen that. But I also know that when a marriage doesn't enter an office, people don't know what it's like. And so that's good. You marked your territory. I like that. Yeah. That reminds me of the days when we used to do that. Now we are the office, you know, so that's a whole different situation for us. But let's talk about that some more, especially for the listeners to hear, like what are some things that can help people to affair-proof their marriage, especially around, you know, we have a very interesting, a lot of people aren't even meeting in their offices right now. And what kind of dynamics might that add to working really hard to affair-proof your marriage?

Rhonda Stoppe [00:08:28]:

Well there's a few things that come to mind. First of all, I wanna go back to what I was talking about with Steve. When Steve became a pastor, he never counseled women alone. I was always in the office. And there have been times when we were financially struggling and I would be like, I'm gonna go back to work because we don't have medical insurance. And he'd be like, I need you with me. I need you in the office when a woman needs to talk. We'll figure that out, but I need you with me.


Jim Brangenberg:

And that was wise, I believe, in a counseling situation. So that's just for anybody in ministry, put that over there.


Rhonda Stoppe:

But you were asking about working from home. So many people are working from home now. And honestly, I think the climate is gonna change where a lot of people aren't gonna go back to the office except maybe once a week or, you know, from time to time for a meeting or whatever. But I feel like the danger in the affair is in the virtual affair. People are much more bold to say things online in a private message than they would in the lunchroom at the office. And I feel like there's a whole concern that we have to be wise about in our situations with, okay, I'm going into the Zoom meeting.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Everybody else is out of the meeting, but me and Joe Schmo stayed on to have a few more conversations about a few more things that have to do with the office, and then some playful banter starts back and forth, or he tells you you're pretty. I can remember after my first kid was born, I stayed home, I quit corporate America to be a stay-at-home mom, and she barfed like nobody's business, all down my back, all down, I was stunk, I was frumpy, And I remember going to church and getting ready like Sunday was my I'm going to look like a human day. And I went to church and a man at church complimented me. And I was flattered. And then the next Sunday, the man at church complimented me. And I was flattered. The third Sunday, I was getting ready for church, and I thought, I wonder if so-and-so will compliment me. And I went, oh! And I went and found Steve, and I said, I got to tell you what's going on. And he said, what?

So I told him the story. And he goes, so Are you telling me you're attracted to so-and-so? I go, not at all. I'm telling you, I need you to compliment me because I'm feeling insecure and frumpy and I'm looking for it and you're not giving it to me, which is, you know, he's working, I get it, but I'm looking for it somewhere else and that scared me. So affair proofing our marriage with online, even that, oh, you look good today. Oh, do I? Thank you. I, you know, and that flirting that can happen.

And, you know, most affairs these days start online. Most affairs begin because people say or do things they wouldn't do. And then finally they cross the line and they meet up somewhere. So being very careful to have your spouse aware when you're having one-on-one conversations.

Your spouse is your accountability partner. They're the ones that you want to be able, I mean, I felt so stupid telling Steve, I gotta tell you something, I can't wait for him to compliment me. And he's like, what? I mean, that was vulnerable. He could have got mad. He could have, you know, whatever. But instead he listened.

And then did he start complimenting me every time I turned around? No, I'd have to say, dude, does this look good? Yeah, you look great. You know, a lot of times we'll say, I asked and he didn't do it. It's like, well, you know, that God calls husbands to live with their wives according to knowledge. We're the coach. If we don't tell them what we need, and let's be honest, it changes every 28 days, we don't know what we need. If we don't coach them.

Jim Brangenberg [00:11:55]:

28? Steve gets 28 days between changes? Stop. Oh, Hey, we're talking today with Rhonda Stoppe. I'd like to have you check her out online. Noregretswoman.com. Noregretswoman.com.

Martha Brangenberg [00:12:09]:

Hey, iWork4Him listeners, check us out on Twitter for the latest feed and links to amazing Kingdom conversations at iWork4Him Radio.

Jim Brangenberg [00:12:18]:

All right, we're almost out of time. I know you find that amazing, but we have so much fun. If an affair has already happened, is there a road to recovery? Can a marriage recover from a workplace affair or any kind of affair?

Rhonda Stoppe [00:12:33]:

Yes, yes it can because by God's grace I think of David and Bathsheba's story Bathsheba had an affair she was married to someone else and the Bible does not say that David forced her to come to see him he saw her in the bathtub he lusted after her he sent for her she could have said no thank you, she went willingly.

But God chose Bathsheba after their repentance, he chose her to be the mother of the next king of Israel, Solomon, the wisest man that would ever live. Of all of David's wives, and that's a whole other story, David's weirdness, but of all of David's wives, God handpicked the woman who had chosen to have an affair with the king, because when he forgives, he forgives to the utmost.

The Bible said God takes our sins as far as east is from the west. Not north from south, those meet, east from west. He'll never throw them in our face. But it begins with repentance. Steve and I do marriage rescue retreats at our house up in our ranch. And there was a couple here 1 time, and the husband was distraught, devastated that he'd had an affair. And Steve had to ask him a lot of questions until he finally came to the place to say, you're sad you got caught. You're sad you lost your job over this. You're embarrassed that everybody knows that you fell to this. You're not repentant. And the man looked at Steve and just began to weep. And he said, you're right, I'm not. It has to begin with repentance, true repentance.

Martha Brangenberg [00:14:01]:

Those are some good words. And I just want to remind our listeners, Rhonda has a website, noregretswoman.com. You can go there and find all the resources. We happen to love the Marriage Mentor. We think that that is a great resource for couples, the way it's laid out. Check it out, the resources there, and make sure that you're really taking time to invest in your marriage at home and affair-proofing

Jim Brangenberg [00:14:26]:

it. Yeah, and I just want to last- I'll just say this.

Rhonda Stoppe [00:14:29]:

If you sign up for my newsletter after this show, I will send you a free copy of my ebook, A Christian Woman's Guide to Great Sex and Marriage.

Jim Brangenberg [00:14:38]:

If you sign up for my newsletter. LOL You can't talk about sex and Christian at the same time.

Martha Brangenberg [00:14:44]:

So sign up for the newsletter. Pete... Does your pastor preach that LOL

Jim Brangenberg [00:14:47]:

at your church? He has a very special pastor. Okay, so say it again. What are you willing, if somebody signs up for your newsletter after this show,

Rhonda Stoppe [00:14:57]:

what are you going to send them? I have a free copy of the e-book, A Christian Woman's Guide to Great Sex and Marriage. If you don't want to sign up for the newsletter, you can buy the e-book on Amazon, but I'll send it to you for free if you email me that you signed up for my newsletter and I will stay connected with you there. I've been in Facebook jail 3 times in February for saying the S word, so sign up for my newsletter if you want to stay in contact with me. For saying sex on Facebook you went to Facebook jail?

Jim Brangenberg [00:15:24]:

3 times. Oh my, come on like that's okay okay okay okay last question keep it brief if you could. I'm sorry. All right all right you know after people have married after after 20 years of people have been married, do they need to stop worrying about a fair proofing the marriage?

Rhonda Stoppe [00:15:43]:

No. I mean, textbook kids leave the house, empty nesters. I feel frumpy. I remember when I went through menopause and I was like, put on some weight and I felt super frumpy. And I'm like, babe, I need you to tell me I look pretty because I don't think I look pretty anymore. And he's like, oh, you know, you're pretty. But if you're not, I'll let you know. Ha ha ha. I'm like, no, I'm not joking. I really, really feel insecure.

Every season of our marriages, Satan wants to pounce. And here's the thing, God calls us to make Christ known. Our mission together, if we're both believers, is to know Christ and make Christ known. And anytime that Satan can steal our testimony, which a happy marriage is the most bright, shining beacon of hope to people that we can share the gospel. If Satan can steal, kill and destroy that, he will. And we have to put on the full armor of God and be wise.

Jim Brangenberg [00:16:31]:

Rhonda Stoppe, thank you so much for being an eye work for him today. Yes, thank you. Great to be with you guys, I always love it. Please check her out online, noregretswoman.com, no regrets woman.com and hear what she's saying.


QUOTE:
"We need to work every day to make our marriages affair proof because it matters when you're at work if you have an affair it will decimate your testimony but it doesn't mean you can't be forgiven it doesn't mean you can't rescue your marriage but it changes everything about how people look at you work on this all of the time"
~ Jim Brangenberg


You've been listening to iWork4Him with your host, Jim and Martha Brangenberg. We're Christ followers, our workplace, it's our mission field, but ultimately,

I Work4Him.

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