One80: Testimonies of Transformation
Be inspired by stories of Christian transformation from around the world--and next door! Hear miraculous coming-to-Jesus stories from all walks of life and be amazed at how God writes a story in all of us. One80 is a production of OneWay Ministries.
One80: Testimonies of Transformation
111: Valedictorian Skips Speech, Gains Peace Instead, Ava Ward
What do you do when your whole identity revolves around academic performance? Well, for Ava Ward, it wasn’t good. The stress to perform at top level caused anxiety, even panic attacks.
After a particularly dark freshman year of high school, Ava came to the realization that her obsession with good grades had become an idol. At Bear Lake Camp, she realized she had a divided heart and her idolatry was supplanting faith in Christ. She did an about face, changed schools, changed her mindset, even changed her career path to studying the Bible and art, things a smart person just doesn’t do! It all comes to a head when Ava forgoes her graduation speech as valedictorian, fruit of a new heart.
See what happens when Ava gives her burden of perfection to the Lord, gets an undivided heart, and pursues Jesus full on as a biblical studies major at Wheaton College
This episode would be encouraging for those battling anxiety or perfectionist tendencies, showing them steps to freedom in Christ.
Helpful Links:
Wheaton College Biblical and Theological Studies major
OneWay Internship Program (it’s awesome)
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Ava Ward:At least like I still have my value and worth in my academics. If I have nobody else, at least I have that A plus, at least I have like these AP classes, dual credit classes. And so I kind of took that and went with it. Stayed up late at night, like till 4 a.m. studying for no reason. Like panic attacks, constantly stressed.
Margaret Ereneta:Ava Ward came to a realization. Her perfectionism was actually sin. See what God did in her life when she set things right. This is Margaret Ereneta. Welcome to Ava's One80.
Ava Ward:My name is Ava, and I'm from rural Indiana, northern Indiana. Kind of grew up in a little farm town. I had a good Christian upbringing, I believe. In John 4 24, God calls us to worship in spirit and in truth, and I feel like that was really represented to me well through both of my parents. My dad was very focused on studying the Bible and teaching in the church and listening to God's word in that way. But my mom helped with global outreach and was on worship, very focused on relationships and things like that.
Ava Ward:I'm just very grateful for my Christian upbringing and how that shaped me and introduced me to the gospel in a good way. But I feel I also had a very academic upbringing. My dad was a chemical engineer, and my mom has her doctorate. My sister's going for chemical engineering at Rose Holman. This was all also a major motif growing up. So I always imagined myself in the STEM field and chasing after a lucrative career, something that would bring me a lot of success.
Ava Ward:I was always a very good student. And then returning back to my hometown, it was very small, very close-knit. I had like the same best friend since kindergarten. And so I was very comfortable, very used to the people around me. And I didn't really have an urge to move out of that. But then things started to change when I went into middle school. And like growing older, I started developing really acute anxiety disorder. And so that was really hard because I started to have this disconnect between people.
Ava Ward:I really love people, but it was really hard for me to speak to people and connect with people. And it was hard for me to talk to my best friend after being friends for like 10 years. It was weird. I'd stopped hanging out with her because of this anxiety and fear barrier. But I think I had faith and I accepted Christ, but it hadn't been tested and refined. And I didn't really see the need for repentance. Like I understood that Jesus died for my salvation. But looking at my life, I was like, I have everything together.
Ava Ward:So this doesn't apply to me. So eighth grade, the COVID-19 pandemic hit. And if my anxiety was manageable before, like once the pandemic hit, like it totally destroyed everything. Being isolated made my anxiety infinitely worse. This time of my life was just like brewing and like growing this anxiety so that when the pandemic quarantine was lifted and I returned to high school, I was a freshman in high school when I returned to school. It was the worst year of my life. There was so much darkness. And that's when I like couldn't even recognize my best friend and we totally went separate ways. Um and I was very isolated.
Margaret Ereneta:Next, I asked Ava to describe what that anxiety felt like.
Ava Ward:Anxiety for me involved a lot of restlessness and ongoing thoughts and constant fear. I believe that everyone has an element of anxiety. Like when you stand in front of a class and give a presentation or you do something out of your comfort zone, like everyone experiences that. Even though there wasn't necessarily any danger, that's just how my body processed reality. My thought process was even if I'm totally anxious, totally depressed, totally alone and isolated, like nothing else to live for, at least like I still have my value and worth in my academics.
Ava Ward:If I have nobody else, at least I have that A, at least I have like these AP classes, dual credit classes. And so I kind of took that and went with it. Stayed up late at night, like till 4 a.m., studying for no reason, like panic attacks, constantly stressed. And my parents noticed that and they were like, Ava, you're spending too much time, like you're putting too much effort into this. Like, surely you don't need this many hours to get a good grade.
Ava Ward:But I didn't, I wasn't very responsive to that. And so I just continued to focus on this academic validation, this stronghold in my life. And it was hard for me to recognize that. I remember I was at a church small group, and I started noticing that this was affecting my walk with Christ. And I tried to share it. And I remember I had one of my leaders, she was like, But surely that's a good thing. Like you're this is a good thing.
Ava Ward:She almost thought I was bragging about my academics, but I was trying to communicate what a stronghold it was and how damaging it was to me. But it was hard for other people to understand because it's like a disguised sin. From the outside, it looks good because I'm doing well and I'm succeeding. But on the inside, like I'm not fulfilled. And there was there was this dual insecurity and pride. So I had pride in my work, but I was always insecure, which is interesting because those seem like opposites, but I was experiencing those both at the same time.
Ava Ward:Like I would receive a grade, it would be favorable, but in my head, I'd have an identity crisis almost. I'd have fear that I wouldn't be able to do it again, or like it was a fluke. Like I didn't deserve the grade I was receiving. And there was always more I could do to do better. Because I was so focused on academics and rationalization, it made me start to question my faith because I was trying to rationalize my faith as well.
Ava Ward:And I remember specifically being in a church service and the preacher was talking about Jesus, like the resurrection, the foundation of the Christian faith. And I was like, oh my goodness, thank God I didn't invite my friend because no one would believe this. Like, this is crazy. And then, like in that moment, I shocked myself. I was like, if this is the foundation of my faith, why am I questioning it right now? Like, when did this happen? When did I start thinking the core belief of my faith was ridiculous? And so that was scary to me because I don't think I had questioned my faith before that.
Margaret Ereneta:At this moment in the story, Ava comes to realize the extent of her sin and she deals with it.
Ava Ward:After that really dark freshman year, I was very happy for it to be over. I was like, get me out of here. And that summer I went to a Christian summer camp. It's called Bear Lake Camp. And every year they do a little theme, have a theme verse. And the theme this year was undivided heart. And the theme verse was Psalm 86.11. Psalm 86.11 says, "Teach me your ways, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness. Give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name".
Ava Ward:And throughout the week, my counselor, her name was Kat, love her to death. She's one of my mentors now. She really helped me understand this concept of having an undivided heart for Jesus. God finally revealed to me, like how divided my heart was between academics' success and the Lord. That was really surprising to me because before that it was hard to grasp. Like I was talking about Jennifer at that small group. It was hard for me to grasp that it was a sin and that it was a stronghold. But I think in this moment I had finally gotten it.
Ava Ward:Like it finally clicked. So for me, having a divided heart looked like me putting my academics and success before the Lord and worshiping it and putting my value in it. The Bible talks about idolizing things. So this was an idol for me, putting my value in it rather than finding my identity in the Lord. So I think I finally came to true repentance. I remember one night I was sleeping in this little rickety camp bed and I was praying.
Ava Ward:I was like, Lord, like I can't do this on my own. Like I literally can't. Like I'm physically incapable of doing this on my own. So, first of all, I want you to help me to give up this idol and find my identity in you. And second of all, I want you to give me like a sign. And I was reminded of the story in Judges with Gideon and how he asked for a sign. And so the next morning I woke up and God gave me the sign. And so, yeah, I think that's when I finally when my walk with the Lord really started. This was finally the moment of true repentance.
Ava Ward:I feel silly about the sign, but Gideon's sign was also silly. But I asked for like a wet spot on the stoop of the cabin, and God gave me that. Yeah, that was very reassuring for me as someone who had been struggling with questions and thoughts to see God tangibly. And I think humbling myself before the Lord was a big element, like saying that I can't do it on my own and trusting that God would take that and fix the broken pieces and walk with me as I took steps to eliminate this stronghold in my life.
Margaret Ereneta:Ava said she felt like this repentance at camp was her coming to Jesus moment, and she could tell by what happened next.
Ava Ward:So after that, once the week of camp ended, I felt like the Lord was calling me to seek help from other Christians and mentors and surround myself with people who could help me with this new walk I was taking. Hebrews 12:1 says, "Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked for us".
Ava Ward:And so, with that in mind, I started reaching out to people. I started keeping up with Kat, my counselor, Rob, he's a pastor at my church, and also my uncle. So I would go out to lunch with him and we would talk about faith. And my mom also helped a lot as well, especially with the anxiety element. I had finally opened up to her about it. And she also has anxiety, which I didn't know. So she got me hooked up with a counselor. Her name was Megan, and she's one of my mentors as well.
Ava Ward:So that started my healing process from mental health and anxiety. So sophomore year rolls around, and I was sick of my old school. Like I was over it. I couldn't go back because it was such a terrible experience for me. And so I switched from this traditional high school to a new tech high school, which is a new thing that school systems are doing. And it's more focused on project-based learning and collaboration. Yeah, I made a lot of trifolds, did a lot of video editing. It was exactly what I needed because I feel like I was more supported by the people I was with because I was forced into these communities within classes. I was able to feel supported by them, feel supported by my teachers.
Margaret Ereneta:Ava says this next part is the best part when she is at the new tech school and receives a new calling and a new passion from the Lord. Beauty from ashes. So cool.
Ava Ward:But the new tech school was also a lot less rigorous. They didn't offer as many dual credit classes and AP classes. So this was something that I was still struggling with. And I had to preach to myself the gospel I experienced that summer. I had to constantly keep telling myself, this is worth it, and this is what God is calling you to. Ecclesiastes 1:14 says, "I have seen all the things that are done under the sun, all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind".
Ava Ward:And so I clung to this verse when I experienced doubts regarding the fact that God had taken me to this new school. Because transitioning to a new identity in Christ, there's a process of sanctification. That was a struggle for me because I had to rewire my brain. So I started to invest in other passions that I realized I had. As a kid, I was a really creative kid and I loved art and I loved creating. But as I got older and started focusing on academics, I was like, that's stupid.
Ava Ward:Like art majors, stupid. Like, what are they doing? But being at the new tech school, I was able to take these art classes and implement art into my studies. And I remember one year I did this big project that took the entire year. And it was just such a fulfilling thing to be able to depict a historical event through art. And so then I started wondering like, okay, like if I'm trying to commit my passions to the Lord, maybe He wants me to communicate his gospel through art.
Ava Ward:And after I was delivered, I knew thinking about college, I knew I wanted to pursue biblical studies because I was like, if academics is a stronghold and I'm gonna continue academics, then I want it to be focused on the Lord and his story. So biblical and theological studies as a major was one way that I threw off sin, like I mentioned before in Hebrews. So some of the resources that really inspired me were the Bible project. And at the time I had also joined Bible quizzing. I was kind of a nerd, but I would write songs to memorize like the genealogy of Jesus and like different verses, and I would like do little pictures and stuff and use different colors, and that's that's how my brain worked.
Ava Ward:And I was like, maybe that's how other people's brains work, and they can't just crack open a 2,000-page book and comprehend everything. I feel that art is such a beautiful communication tool. And so I love seeing Christianity expressed through art and media, and that's just what I'm really passionate about. So junior summer, I was like, okay, I'm a Christian. I want to, I want to get involved in a ministry.
Ava Ward:And because I was saved at Bear Lake Camp, I was like, why don't I give back? But as I like went through the interview process, I started having all these doubts. And I was like, that's not normal. And eventually after the interview process ended, they accepted me and I was hired as a lifeguard. So I started experiencing spiritual oppression. And I feel like the spiritual realm is as real as God. I believe that because I was starting my ministry, that the enemy wasn't very happy. And so I started being spiritually oppressed. And there was a night where I was in the cabin and I was sleeping and I was attacked by spirits, which sounds weird, but also it's the truth.
Ava Ward:And I want to testify to it because it's God's story. So that was scary, but I feel like it connected me more to the people that were there, and we were able to talk it out. Understanding spirituality was something that I needed as someone who had focused so long on rationality. And during this time, I started addressing some of the doubts that I had as well about God. Started listening to a podcast called The Humble Skeptic. I love that podcast, highly recommend.
Ava Ward:But it allowed me to not fear doubts and understand that they're normal and prioritize these thoughts, but not let them affect my walk with the Lord. Like continuing to be faithful in the unknown was a beautiful thing that I learned during that time. So I'm very thankful for that summer. That was a beautiful summer. Reminds me a lot of the early church because we were just like a little community that loves Jesus and is serving Jesus and is ministering to kids who are coming to this camp. And I met some of my lifelong friends there. So I'm very thankful for that as well. Um and we were just there supporting each other.
Margaret Ereneta:What happens next in the story is really cool proof of a changed woman. Listen in.
Ava Ward:Yeah. So the next time I graduated, I was actually valedictorian. My dad was valedictorian, my sister is valedictorian. I had an aunt that was valedictorian, but I didn't give a speech because I was like, this is a badge of shame, and I don't want to give a speech. So I'm going to Wheaton College.
Ava Ward:I'm making my studies an altar for the Lord. But while I'm at Wheaton College, I go to this internship fair and I go to one booth. It was for One Way Ministries. This is the only booth I visit. And then I leave. I don't check out any other booths. And I was like, this totally aligns with what I'm like all about. And so I do the interview, get accepted to be on the studio team at One Way Ministries. And I'm so thankful. I'm so thankful that my terrible freshman year made me switch to the new tech school because that school prepared me with technical skills, with video programs to be able to go to One Way Ministries.
Ava Ward:And before that, I had never imagined myself getting into like traditional ministry, working in a church or being a ministry, like evangelizing. Because of my anxiety, I was like, I'm not built for that. But recently, God has been bringing to my attention, well, specifically the verses, 1 Peter 4.11, says, "If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides so that in all things God may be praised".
Ava Ward:That's what I've been recently processing at my time here at One Way. And I've gotten involved in local churches and different ministries and resting on this verse. And I feel like it's making me think about vocational ministry and being a missionary or being in a church community and doing some evangelizing. And I think that would be an even greater testament to God's greatness.
Ava Ward:Seeing someone who struggled so deeply with anxiety and fear evangelizing to people or speaking in front of people, it's making me start to wonder if God wants to reflect his glory through that. Because I know truly, if I do become an evangelist, it will be the Lord because I'm literally incapable of doing it on my own. So I'm wondering if God used this passion for art to lead me to one way. Not for the purpose of continuing Christian media, but for the purpose of opening my eyes to what's possible.
Margaret Ereneta:To bring a passion into her heart, to have her serve at One Way, a media missions organization, to have her think about serving in ministry full time. Thanks for listening today. Have you left a review of One80 and your favorite pod player? Check out how to do that in our show notes. It really helps others find us.
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