In this minisode, Christine and Shannon talk about monogamy and why it keeps getting a bad rap.
Follow us on social @sexeddebunked or send us a message at sexeddebunked@gmail.com
In this minisode, Christine and Shannon talk about monogamy and why it keeps getting a bad rap.
Follow us on social @sexeddebunked or send us a message at sexeddebunked@gmail.com
Hmm This is study sessions brought to you by sex ed debunks
Christine:and these minisodes we'll discuss a myth suggested to us by listeners like you
Shannon:like what you hear want to hear more? Follow us on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at sex ed debunked to suggest new myths provide your own show notes and give us ideas for what to talk about next that take
Christine:some notes. The study group is in session Hi, welcome to Study sessions.
Shannon:This week study topic is monogamy. One of our listeners pointed out that monogamy gets a real bad rap this day and age and we're not down with that. So for our first study session, we want to show some respect to the OG monogamy. Monogamy. You couldn't do it you didn't do
Christine:this topic came to us because one of our listeners shared an article with us from BuzzFeed called monogamy is in its flop era
Shannon:said and this article was positioned as Hey, isn't this great? Everyone's Polly now. But our listener pointed out that well actually not everyone is poly now and that's okay.
Christine:It is okay. And part of the reason we're doing this episode is a lot of the consensual non monogamy open relationship is becoming quite trendy among 24 to 35 year olds, which makes others who are monogamous think Am I'm a Naga blah.
Shannon:That's awful. That is how long were you thinking about that? How long have you been holding on to that for? Well sure that
Christine:what's happening though, is according to the BuzzFeed article, and also according to research and other poll and also like contemporary media, contemporary media is in the past half decade or so. Ethical monogamy non monogamy or consensual non monogamy or open relationships. All of them are in the same kind of umbrella has become a pretty much pop culture thing. Celebrities coming out like who's the Jada Pinkett Smith right Smith came out Smith sounds like we're talking about Morrissey, but we're not TED talks, shows a recent book came out by Jessica Fern talking about Polly secure attachment trauma and consensual non monogamy, which is being read all across the non monogamy Polly posts, I see it everywhere on Facebook. And what they're saying is I don't think it's just a fad. Even though it's an alternative culture, it's giving people permission for what they always felt, suggesting maybe that we always should be non monogamous. Now tire screech.
Shannon:Thank you for that. That doesn't mean that it's the better alternative. And that's why we're jumping into this as a mini myth today is that we've talked a lot on this show about polyamory and open relationships and consensual non monogamy because they have come into the mainstream more recently. However, that does not mean that they are that we're not that you know, non monogamy is better than monogamy, there is still plenty of research that supports monogamous relationships as healthy relationships, and as a completely healthy and enjoyable way of experiencing relationships.
Christine:Well, and then the first myth that we tackled last semester was talking about the myth that Monogamy was best or better, because there was a negative perception saying that, Oh, people who are in open relationships are promiscuous or bad or not committed. But what the flip side of that research says that if this is the relationship structure you want, whether it's monogamy, or an open relationship, they're equally satisfying, equally committed, equally satisfying in terms of life satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, relationship satisfaction. So the takeaway I got from that clip in the BuzzFeed article is permission. People should have permission for doing how they feel, whether they feel monogamous or not monogamous either way.
Shannon:So one of the things though, that from that article that did give me a lot of pause in relation to this topic, was the opening quote of this article like the the subhead of this article was, quote, not having to be someone's everything or have them be your everything means you can just be yourself. I find that to be a problematic justification for an open relationship, because shouldn't you be able to be yourself in a healthy monogamous relationship to?
Christine:Yes, right. And that's really what we're talking about here today, is that a healthy relationship means you can just be yourself, right? And you can grow and you can have and you can have experiences within a monogamous relationship, if that's your structure.
Shannon:So we are here to debunk the myth that being monogamous is no longer cool. Like polyamory is for cool kids. monogamy is for the boring kids open relationships are trendy, monogamy is lame? No, you know, it's lame telling other people, they're lame. You're right. So one of the things I want to talk about because you and I had this discussion was this idea of jealousy and conversion. Conversion was a totally new word to me. So I feel like we should first give a definition of that, but then talk about where that comes into play. Because I think one of the reasons why some people feel like monogamy gets a bad rap is because they're told, like open relationships are cool, because everyone feels like open to do whatever they want. And isn't that great, but it's not necessarily everyone's default state to say, I'm not jealous. I love being in an open thing.
Christine:Well, here's the thing. You know, jealousy and conversion exist in the same can exist in the same source defined by Compersion. Okay, conversion is this idea that if you really, really love someone, you're going to be happy that they're happy. So if your partner wants to explore other relationships, and are really happy, going out on dates, and doing things with other people, you if you quote, really love them, should be happy for them. And it's been elevated in the e&m community as being this quality, that if you're quote, unquote, doing it right, you should feel this conversion. And I think what happens is, there are individuals who truly in their heart of hearts are monogamous, and they want their soulmate. And they want that exclusive relationship. And they feel well, rationally. I love them. So I should have this conversion thing. And it's not an either or, you're allowed to say, you know, I'm happy for you. But I'm happy for you to go go skating with somebody else. But I don't want you
Shannon:sleep, right. And that kind of goes back to our original episode where we talked about it. And I think jealousy and conversion are two sides of the same coin. But it seems like monogamy has been slapped with jealousy and polyamory has been slapped with conversion.
Christine:Exactly. And you know what people who are practicing polyamory and open relationships, they experienced jealousy as well. They tend to talk about it more. And Compersion is something we all strive for. I mean, let's say in your in your monogamous relationship, you have a partner who loves sports, and you don't love sports, and your partner wants to go out with friends to a bar and watch football on Sunday, you hate football. And so you want to be you want to stay home, you want to watch Netflix, you want to have Compersion, that your partner is out with friends having a good time watching football.
Shannon:So it sounds like there's a degree of compassion that applies to everyone insofar as you want to support what makes your partner happy. But what becomes difficult in the world of open and you know, monogamous relationships is how far does that conversion go? And what is the cultural pressure to feel like you have to show compassion. And I think that's where this myth came from that again, was suggested by one of our listeners was, well, am I doing something wrong? If I don't want to extend if my conversion becomes jealousy at the point where we're experiencing sexual intimacy with other people is that because I'm doing something wrong, because the new culture has told me that open relationships are cool, and polyamory is cool. And they can be, it can be but there's nothing wrong with you for saying, actually, at a certain point, it's gonna go from being supportive to being jealous because while I totally support you going, playing sports with your friends on the weekends, I don't support you go and playing recreational sports with other partners on the weekend
Christine:naked sports,
Shannon:you naked sports. So short term, we are an academic podcast, thank you for listening.
Christine:Well, it's not the same we don't bring sports and metaphors in. But what this comes down to what we talked about in so many of these episodes, social norms should not limit what kind of relationship we pursue in terms of open relationships. But social norms should also not inflict this uncool status on folks who in their heart know that they yearn for an exclusive monogamous relationship. And you know, there's a suggestion in the trends that the social norm for the 25 to 35 set is a trend towards open relationships. That trend should not hold you back and make you feel any kind of shame. If you're really looking for someone that you want to spend more time with exclusively in a different kind of way. And we have to own we have to reject any attempt at social norms to peer pressure us in to being something that we know that we're not
Unknown:absolutely it's it's cool, it's cool, you can be cool and be monogamous, okay.
Shannon:There is actual research on this though. We've kind of alluded to it but I Um, what have you read that kind of supports these ideas and characteristics of good relationships, whether monogamous or open?
Christine:Well, there's a number of things that are really true to making a good committed relationship work, whether it's open or it's monogamous. So it starts with First of all, and we've talked about this number one, positive communication. And but that means something, not just talking, it means listening. And it also has to do with the style of communication. So, Gottman, John Gottman is a very well known research relationship to Yes, and Relationship Expert,
Shannon:Gottman Institute, Instagram is great, by the way for our listeners, give it a follow, there's really good advice and
Christine:quotes on there for all relationships. And what they have found is that the biggest predictor of a relationship splitting up was the ratio between positive and negative comments when they videotaped conversations between couples
Shannon:that's so interesting, it makes a lot of sense, one of the kind of, I guess, I don't know, I like drawing a blank on the word to call it but something that I've carried into new relationships in the past couple years has been, you should be with someone who finds it easier to compliment you than criticize you. Exactly. And that's just something I've adapted from my own relational experience. But it's interesting that the research supports that which I think we find constantly on the show that the things we suspect are also supported by research. Well,
Christine:on the other side, the flip side of that is defensive behaviors. So if you're indifferent to your partner's concerns, that's going to predict an early breakout
Shannon:well, and to go back briefly to this conversation about conversion. And this conversation about the fine line between jealousy and conversion and open or closed relationships is, you're more likely to exhibit defensive behaviors, if you're not communicating about that fine line.
Christine:Exactly. And communicate those emotions. If you're if you have a partner that wants to do certain things that you're not comfortable with. You communicate about it, and you really understand and try to really, really listen to the place where that's coming from. It says one thing I want to point out is, the research shows that opening a relationship is not the answer to a relationship, that's not working. Yeah, much like having a baby
Shannon:isn't a bad day. There you go. Because a lot of there's a lot of alternative routes you can take to try to quote unquote, fix a relationship, but the only one that's really proven to work is better communication.
Christine:That's one and two is healthy sexuality. And
Shannon:the healthy sexuality, though, requires positive communication.
Christine:It does, it does. But it's a separate aspect in the sense that you can explore sexuality with lots of fun things. And we've talked about this on several episodes in a monogamous relationship. So couples who communicate more in bed and about their sexuality are more sexually satisfied and more apt to stay together.
Shannon:And that includes both verbal and nonverbal overboard divorce, because some
Christine:of us are having a hard time with verbal communication, but the nonverbals are, are okay, they work. Wave nod,
Shannon:thumbs up. Great.
Christine:So under the umbrella of healthy sexuality is something that's called, quote unquote, sexual communal strength,
Shannon:like CrossFit or
Christine:No, no, not exactly. However, it is a willingness to satisfy your partner's needs, even when they're not perfectly aligned with your own. And this is not doesn't go into that area of non consensual activity, but it's sometimes and Emily Nagase talks about this in her book that we've talked, comments you are, is, some nights are for me, some nights are for you, some nights are for both of us. That's okay. And that's what is talked about sexual communal strength is realizing that sometimes it doesn't have to all be all about me. Sometimes I'd have to all be about us. Sometimes it's totally cool to take turns and figure out and just do what the other person wants in the moment,
Shannon:but by the same token, self expansion, very important,
Christine:well, and self expansion kind of goes towards that aspect that we were talking about of conversion to is in a relationship if you want a relationship, monogamous or non monogamous relationship to last, people have to be able to grow in that relationship. And I think the old trope around monogamy and here's part of where monogamy got a bad rap is that lockstep you get married you just That's it while your friends go away? You only do things as a couple and everything else ends. So that part of monogamy deserves a bad
Shannon:rap. Yeah, that is the outdated representation of it. Yeah,
Christine:but this part the self expansion, and the louring your partner to engage in new and exciting things, both as a couple and as individuals allows a relationship to grow and the people to still grow within a relationship.
Shannon:Right. And I think to address this myth and address To the concern of one of our listeners, you can expand and you can grow in a poly relationship and open relationship, you expand and grow with other people. But you can also expand and grow in a monogamous relationship with your singular partner.
Christine:And it doesn't mean we're not here even talking about expanding and growing, just sexually, just because we're a sex podcast, where I'm also talking about expanding and growing and just, you know, how many times you seek to explore yourself? How many times have you heard people of your age saying, Okay, I'm, I'm breaking up now. And now I have to work on myself. Well, the point here is you still be should be able to work on yourself within a good and committed relationship total. That's the expansion that can happen and
Shannon:getting committed relationships should be a safe space to remind us of Gary, where it should be a brave space. And it could be a
Christine:place and a place, but it's not a place where all of those things.
Shannon:So I think that's it for today's study session. Hopefully, we cleared up some of the myths around monogamy, which is in fact still a valid and cool relationship model.
Christine:And still research shows just as satisfying life satisfying relationships satisfying, sexually satisfying as all of these other alternative relationships. It's still all good, right? If you follow those three things, positive communication, healthy sexuality, and self expansion within and growth within that relationship.
Shannon:100% Whatever makes you most comfortable with most healthy and most satisfied as always is best for you. So, thanks for dropping by for today's study session. We'll be back next week for a whole new myth to debunk.
Christine:And I guess we can say this is another myth. Well, it's
Shannon:kind of a myth taking a nap between classes. But we can put it to bed here's
Christine:a little myth put to bed, taking a cat nap
Shannon:classes. Make sure you send us your myths, questions, comments. We'll be using these study sessions to tackle some of the small myths, questions etc. that our listeners just like you provide to us, so send them along and keep listening. Take care. All right bye now.
Christine:Sex Ed debunked is produced by trailblaze media in Providence, Rhode Island are sound producers Ezra winters with production assistance from shea white