#74: Metal Gear Fanfiction

On episode 68 of Metal Gear Mondays, the gang sifts through hundreds of Metal Gear fanfiction documents to present a curated four stories to you. Also, each member of this episode's panel has brought four original stories that they created just for the show. 

Transcript

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My name is Sam Wright and I'm here to say I'm gonna do a promo in a major way.

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Go to patreon.com slash Metal Gear Mondays if you want to donate to the show.

[00:00:15]
Go to facebook.com slash Metal Gear Mondays if you want to talk to the show.

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Go to Twitter at Metal Gear Monday if you want to tweet at the show.

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My name's Sam Wright.

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This has been fun.

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Now I gotta go make sure my bread is done.

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I put it in the oven.

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It's fine.

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Bye.

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Metal Gear Mondays disclaimer.

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The following excerpt is an adaptation of an excerpt from Sex 2, Sexy Substances, a

[00:00:44]
Metal Gear fanfic written by Ninjilia and Heaven.

[00:00:48]
Snake jumped out of a plane in a G string holding Rykov between his legs.

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Neither Snake nor Rykov had fathers, so Osalot took that role.

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As the two men touched down on the Russian soil, they promptly began to unwrap a picnic

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blanket that Rykov had in his tactical bag.

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Waaaaaah.

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Waaaaaah.

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Snake!

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What shall we name our newly born baby boy?

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Clothesnake.

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Oh that's me.

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Yeah, that is.

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I was like who is that?

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It's perfect.

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Children, thank you for coming.

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May I feast my eyes upon my newly christened grandson?

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Of course.

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Daddy Osalot.

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The men salute their father who twirls his pistols around in celebration.

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Waaaaaah.

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Waaaaaah.

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Ah, he cries tears of joy.

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Just like his biological father, Fat Man.

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How did the kidnapping go?

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After we were able to score that Viagra from the Fury, it was all SOP from there.

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And we couldn't have done it without Eva's help.

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Eva emerges from the Russian wilderness and slaps Rykov across the face.

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Baby cakes!

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The end jumps in with an extreme wheelchair jump and dies and his parrot flies away in

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a snake's butt.

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Now that's what I call a punchline.

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Ladies, gentlemen, fans and grand!

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This is another episode of Metal Gear Mondays, the Games Club podcast where we talk about

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the Metal Gear games in semi-sudo historical recreation chronological order.

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And we talk about weird spinoffs and this week we're talking about fan fiction.

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I am joined by the soldiers of Metal Gear Mondays who dealt with a pretty hefty assignment

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this week.

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I've got Sam Wright.

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Oh god, kill me.

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I've got James R. R. Meath.

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I just want y'all to know y'all are some dirty motherfuckers and I love you.

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Doordy.

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I've got Isaac Lim.

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And I've got your host, Alessia Somerfield.

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Which I probably said my name already, but I forgot.

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So anyway, yeah, we're talking about fan fiction you guys.

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Before we get into the fan fiction of which I feel like I need to go to a church and declare

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my sins to a priest because this is some fucked up shit you guys.

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We're gonna talk about- God is dead.

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Yeah, it's real bad.

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We're gonna talk about news.

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So this week's Metal Gear News, oh excuse me, cue the jingle.

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It's time for new, new, new news, Metal Gear News!

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This week's Metal Gear News comes courtesy of Metal Gear Informer which is a pretty awesome

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website that I found while I was looking for updates.

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You guys can go to MetalGearInformer.com.

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Pretty cool.

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But all of our news items are from their website so we've got Donna Burke, known for doing

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vocal, voice acting, vocal work.

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Sam, I feel like Sam and James, you know Donna Burke pretty well.

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What all would people know her from?

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Alright, am I totally off base?

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She joined Troy Baker in the Silent Hill 2 remaster which no one should know.

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You probably know her, she's in Silent Hill, some Shenmue games.

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She's in Shenmue?

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What else?

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She's a couple, not like main characters but just kind of additional voices.

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I knew that about her.

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She's Dr. Cutter in Rumble Roses.

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I knew that one.

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That's very nice.

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And she was the voice of the Idroid in Metal Gear Solid 5.

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She's also in Catherine.

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5 N Ground Zeroes.

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Apparently.

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Yep.

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Anyway, Donna Burke is also a singer so if you're familiar with Peace Walker or Metal

[00:05:04]
Gear Solid 5, Sins of Our Fathers and then whatever the Peace Walker song was, she did

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those.

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Anyway, she did an interview recently on Metal Gear Informer discussing her contributions

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to the music in Metal Gear which is pretty cool.

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I'm gonna throw a link in the show notes.

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Likewise she just put out a new music compilation CD called Ganyme Jazz which I'm assuming is

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like games and anime combined.

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But it features some of her music from Metal Gear.

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Likewise, this is fairly recent too.

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I think it was in April this year.

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So like last, or this month?

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Yeah, as of recording, it's April.

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The collectible manufacturer Gekko is actually creating a really crazy, lifelike looking

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gray fox statue which is pretty cool.

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And last but not least, Hideo Kojima is apparently doing some pickup shooting for additional

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mocap with Mads Mickelson and Norman Reedus for Death Stranding and Metal Gear Informer

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has an article with a ton of on set photographs.

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Is she gonna be that female character that we know fucking nothing about?

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Oh, so I discovered who people are assuming that that is.

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People are assuming that that's the chick from Phantom Thread.

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I cannot, let me see if I can look her up.

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She's also in Hannah as well, Isaac.

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We talked about this.

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Or I mean not Ray Fiennes, Day-O-Day Lewis.

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What?

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He said Phantasmorce.

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He said Phantasmorce.

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Hold on.

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So her name is?

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Irish girl?

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No.

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Come on, you guys.

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Hold on.

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You're thinking of what's it called?

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Who are we talking about here?

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You're thinking of Lady Bird.

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I'm talking about...

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Oh my God.

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Sarsie.

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We said Hannah, so.

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Oh no, I know, but she's also in Hannah.

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Not Sriracha.

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What is her name?

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Oh my God.

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The older lady.

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Vicky Kripes Kripes.

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She plays Alma in Phantom Thread.

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People are saying that she's going to be the female lead in Death Stranding.

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Because she speaks German and French.

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Is there any other news about Death Stranding?

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I feel like it just happened and then it just stopped happening.

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Not really.

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Probably going to be something at E3 I would assume.

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Yeah, Isaac, did you see the last one?

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I can't remember.

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Is that the one with what's his name?

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There's a dude trapped under a car and it's raining and Norman Reedus covers a man's mouth

[00:07:22]
and then somebody gets killed.

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It's crazy.

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Maybe not.

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Yeah, you should check that out.

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Also, Hideo Kojima did a 15 minute interview with IGN about the game.

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They're still working on it.

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Allegedly, allegedly it's supposed to be done.

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James, do you...

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Can I go over the track list really quick for that GANIMADE Jazz album?

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Yeah, go for it.

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Because it's Game Plus anime and it's done a Burke doing a jazz cover of these songs.

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It's Calling to the Night from Portable Ops.

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Way in the dark from Implosion Never Loose Up.

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I do not know what that is.

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Then it's Sins of the Father with Quiet's Theme Intro from Metal Gear Solid V Phantom

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Pain, obviously.

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Glassy Sky from Tokyo Ghoul.

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Snake Eater, our favorite song in the world.

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Oh, hell yeah.

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Yeah.

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James, I'm so excited that you get to experience Snake Eater for the first time in your life.

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Oh my god, it's going to be amazing.

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It's going to be so amazing and I'm jealous of you for being able to do that.

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I'm still in a dream.

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Snake Eater.

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No One Can Save Me, Angela's Song, inspired by Silent Hill 2.

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Houta Ruby, which means Firefly apparently from Tales of Legendia.

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And the rest are songs that I don't really care about.

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I feel like James...

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There's a lot of Metal Gear songs in there.

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I feel like James is asking himself, did I end up on a podcast with a bunch of weeabase?

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Oh yeah, for sure.

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I know it.

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Yeah, you totally did.

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I know what I was getting into.

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Fucking weebs.

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You all look disgusting and I love you.

[00:09:11]
Very nice.

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Yeah, so I will say though, James, are you excited for Death Stranding?

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I'm fucking stoked for it.

[00:09:19]
I don't know what kind of weird shit is going on there, but come on, it looks like a dude

[00:09:25]
that was kept in a cage for a really long time and was still putting out cool shit, was

[00:09:29]
released from his cage and now it's about to inflict something upon the world.

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I'm excited.

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Like the fucking wildest shit?

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Yeah, whatever chaos.

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Like this is a lot of wild shit imaginable?

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Whatever chaos is going to come, I'm here for it.

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I can't wait to definitely 100% cover that game for this podcast.

[00:09:44]
Oh yeah, so spoiler alert, and I know I've been saying that a lot over the last two episodes,

[00:09:48]
but I'm going to go ahead and let you guys in on the master plan, like the Bond villain

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speech.

[00:09:53]
Yeah, we're going to find a way to prolong this podcast until that fucking game comes

[00:09:58]
out.

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Oh yeah, for sure.

[00:10:01]
We'll fucking do a random fucking talkie talk podcast if we have to.

[00:10:06]
Yeah, we'll talk about fucking Metal Gear fan fiction for the next 12 years if we have

[00:10:11]
to.

[00:10:12]
Every week for 30 years.

[00:10:15]
We're not like all those other Metal Gear podcasts that happen to crop up right when

[00:10:21]
you're on the show.

[00:10:22]
JK, JK.

[00:10:23]
Yeah, so let's talk about Metal Gear fan fiction.

[00:10:31]
What can you guys, Isaac, can you tell me what fan fiction is?

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Fan fiction, or otherwise known as shortened fan fic.

[00:10:44]
That is bad, right?

[00:10:47]
Yes, that's one way to put it, unless you, or you could say it's an outlet for fans to

[00:10:56]
write fiction about whatever they want, mainly sex.

[00:11:04]
Oh wow.

[00:11:05]
A lot of sex.

[00:11:07]
I have a question for y'all.

[00:11:10]
When you were looking up the fan fiction, wherever you did it, did you use an incognito tab?

[00:11:16]
I absolutely did.

[00:11:17]
I also used one.

[00:11:20]
Man, I want to get fan fiction hives.

[00:11:25]
Oh god, I've got fan fiction like.

[00:11:28]
Can I admit something to you guys that I've never actually spoken into the universe?

[00:11:36]
Please bring it.

[00:11:38]
When I was in middle school, I wrote extensive, extensive Kingdom Hearts.

[00:11:44]
Yes, I knew it.

[00:11:45]
I fucking knew it.

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I fucking knew it, Shaggy.

[00:11:50]
It was great.

[00:11:52]
There was cursing because I was edgy when I was a middle school kid.

[00:11:57]
Sam.

[00:11:58]
And I feel real bad about it.

[00:12:00]
How much money is it going to take for you to loose that onto the world?

[00:12:04]
Well, I mean, you'd be paying me a long time because I do not have the physical copy anymore

[00:12:09]
and I could not find it on fan.

[00:12:11]
It's on fanfiction.net.

[00:12:13]
Oh shit, so we need to figure it out.

[00:12:15]
So Sam, what we need to do now is almost like reverse engineer what you would have named yourself.

[00:12:22]
Yeah, I'm trying to think.

[00:12:24]
While you guys are reading, I'll be listening, but I'm going to be searching fanfiction.net to see if I can find this.

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It's real bad.

[00:12:33]
I have a quick question.

[00:12:34]
If I find it, I may not be up front about it.

[00:12:37]
I have a quick question.

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I want to see if we can get any big scoops on this podcast episode.

[00:12:41]
We're going to get real intimate.

[00:12:44]
Did anybody find a fanfiction at a young age and get flustered by it?

[00:12:50]
Oh yeah.

[00:12:51]
Yeah, dude.

[00:12:52]
Of course.

[00:12:53]
All right.

[00:12:54]
All right.

[00:12:55]
You guys are shameless.

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You're poking around.

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You're seeing a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

[00:13:00]
You start to feel a little spooky inside.

[00:13:04]
Feel a little spooky.

[00:13:05]
One of those words just looks real right.

[00:13:08]
Like, fuck man, that word is just looking so good.

[00:13:13]
All right.

[00:13:14]
I like that.

[00:13:15]
So have you guys had any experience with fanfiction outside of this episode?

[00:13:19]
I know, me, Sam, and Isaac can all cheat a little bit.

[00:13:22]
Fucking course.

[00:13:23]
Because our boy, Nick, Nicky Z, in the place to be, Buyakasha, haven't said that in a long fucking time.

[00:13:29]
Yeah.

[00:13:30]
Used to run his podcast where they would read fanfiction on the air.

[00:13:35]
Yeah, man.

[00:13:36]
Bad book club.

[00:13:37]
Yeah.

[00:13:38]
Boom.

[00:13:39]
But yeah, outside of that, I probably, I think like New Ground's Era 2005, I probably was

[00:13:45]
like finding weird, goofy fanfiction on the internet.

[00:13:48]
And like, a lot of it was for lulls, but like sometimes I'd read it and be like, oh, I'm

[00:13:53]
going to read some fanfiction on my favorite game series.

[00:13:55]
And then you'd be like, fuck, I'm reading fanfiction.

[00:13:57]
I need to like close this.

[00:13:58]
This is bad.

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Don't let your wife know.

[00:14:02]
More like fanfiction.

[00:14:03]
Am I right?

[00:14:04]
But yeah, cool.

[00:14:05]
I'm stroking it right now.

[00:14:06]
Oh, no.

[00:14:07]
I'm on the air.

[00:14:08]
Sam ride stroking it.

[00:14:09]
So I do.

[00:14:10]
I do.

[00:14:11]
I do want to announce kind of what we're going to be doing for this episode.

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So it's a little special.

[00:14:14]
We're going to be doing a little round table.

[00:14:16]
Per the, whoa, Jerry with the squeaky toys.

[00:14:23]
Calm down, sir.

[00:14:24]
Per the, oh my gosh.

[00:14:26]
You guys hear my little sheep over there with squeaky toys.

[00:14:29]
Hold on.

[00:14:30]
Sweet boy.

[00:14:31]
Sweet boy.

[00:14:32]
You got to get, you got to get Jerry out of there.

[00:14:34]
He's, he's a young lad.

[00:14:36]
He can't be in here.

[00:14:37]
He's a young lad.

[00:14:38]
He's a young lad.

[00:14:39]
He's a young lad.

[00:14:40]
He's a young lad.

[00:14:41]
He's a young lad.

[00:14:42]
He's a young lad.

[00:14:43]
He's a young lad.

[00:14:44]
He's a young lad.

[00:14:45]
He can't be in here.

[00:14:47]
He's, he's staring at me.

[00:14:48]
Something fierce.

[00:14:49]
Um, so.

[00:14:50]
Okay.

[00:14:51]
I legit have to get the squeaky toy away from Jerry.

[00:14:54]
Hold on.

[00:14:55]
Jerry, get out of here.

[00:14:56]
Jerry.

[00:14:57]
God damn it, Jerry.

[00:14:58]
All right.

[00:14:59]
We're back.

[00:15:00]
We're back.

[00:15:01]
You got to keep all of this in.

[00:15:02]
Oh yes.

[00:15:03]
Yeah.

[00:15:04]
Yep.

[00:15:05]
Okay.

[00:15:06]
So, uh, effectively what we're going to do is we're going to round robin this sucker

[00:15:08]
and we're all going to read a submission that we've collected from the fan fiction

[00:15:13]
universe and then we're going to read an original creation.

[00:15:19]
So brace yourself.

[00:15:20]
Brace yourself for cringe fest 2000.

[00:15:22]
Who wants to go first?

[00:15:25]
Who wants to draw that short straw?

[00:15:27]
We got anybody?

[00:15:29]
Since I'm reading my personal one last, I will go last as well.

[00:15:33]
Also, I'm still searching for my fan fiction.

[00:15:35]
Oh shit.

[00:15:36]
Okay.

[00:15:37]
I need as much time as possible to do that.

[00:15:39]
Um, Isaac, do you want to go first?

[00:15:41]
Oh.

[00:15:42]
Okay.

[00:15:43]
I was expecting that.

[00:15:46]
Do you want to or no?

[00:15:49]
No, that's fine.

[00:15:51]
The one that I ultimately picked was not very good in any respect.

[00:15:59]
Oh no.

[00:16:00]
So, where did everybody find theirs at fanfiction.com?

[00:16:05]
Because I feel like that's what I did.

[00:16:08]
No.

[00:16:09]
Fanfiction.net.

[00:16:10]
Yeah, me too.

[00:16:11]
I got mine from archive of our own beta.

[00:16:18]
That's a scary place.

[00:16:20]
It is.

[00:16:21]
I feel bad because Jerry was now like staring up at me from my feet.

[00:16:25]
I feel like he shouldn't be here for this.

[00:16:28]
Get out of here little dude.

[00:16:30]
He's too innocent.

[00:16:31]
He's too sweet of a boy.

[00:16:32]
God, I'm just like, I'm rereading the one that I picked right now and like, it's so detailed.

[00:16:38]
Like this guy clearly cares about James.

[00:16:41]
Do you want to start?

[00:16:42]
Do you want to start?

[00:16:43]
I'm intrigued.

[00:16:44]
Yeah, I'll start.

[00:16:46]
So should I read this and then like read what I wrote or should I read this?

[00:16:50]
No, let's, yeah, we're all going to, yeah, we're all going to read the selections and

[00:16:54]
then we're all going to read the.

[00:16:56]
Perfect.

[00:16:57]
The originals.

[00:16:58]
Okay, cool.

[00:16:59]
All right.

[00:17:00]
So feel free to take on any voice or anything that you want.

[00:17:05]
So, so funnily enough, before we got on the air, I spent like half hour like looking up

[00:17:12]
videos of some of these characters to like tell what they sounded like.

[00:17:16]
Oh, no.

[00:17:17]
And I like practiced a little bit and it's not, I've already forgotten.

[00:17:21]
It was so long ago.

[00:17:22]
I want James to be like, I actually went out on the street and cast six actors and I'm

[00:17:27]
going to play you guys an audiobook.

[00:17:29]
Say hello to the Kirkwood Theater Guild all joining me live with the studio.

[00:17:34]
Joining me via Skype.

[00:17:37]
Hi.

[00:17:38]
So, I'll take it from the top.

[00:17:42]
I'm not going to tell you the title.

[00:17:44]
I want to save the title for the end.

[00:17:46]
Oh, I love it.

[00:17:47]
Yeah.

[00:17:48]
Give me that dramatic title reveal.

[00:17:49]
Scary.

[00:17:50]
All right.

[00:17:51]
It's like the beginning of a movie.

[00:17:52]
Oh, real quick, real quick.

[00:17:53]
I just want to ask everybody, are you comfortable if I put like some dramatic music underneath

[00:17:58]
these readings?

[00:17:59]
I would do it.

[00:18:01]
Oh, go for it.

[00:18:02]
I feel like we have to.

[00:18:03]
Yeah, for sure.

[00:18:04]
All right.

[00:18:05]
Sick.

[00:18:06]
So, here's a quick description of what we're about to learn.

[00:18:11]
We should mention who the writers are too.

[00:18:13]
That way we can get there.

[00:18:14]
Should we?

[00:18:15]
Yeah.

[00:18:16]
I will.

[00:18:17]
So, this is by Sonic Girl 98.

[00:18:20]
Girl, who are you?

[00:18:22]
It's not a girl.

[00:18:23]
Of course.

[00:18:24]
98.

[00:18:25]
So, brief description.

[00:18:27]
Just when Snake thought he was out, Otacon pulls him back into the world of Espionage

[00:18:31]
to figure out the unknown motives of the most unknown man in the world.

[00:18:35]
What will Snake learn of himself in the last days of his life?

[00:18:39]
Oh my God.

[00:18:41]
Oh my God, dude.

[00:18:43]
Buckle up, boys.

[00:18:45]
Is this serious?

[00:18:47]
Are you going to read us like the fucking, like war and punishment?

[00:18:52]
Oh, excuse me, whatever the fuck.

[00:18:54]
I just ruined that.

[00:18:55]
War and punishment.

[00:18:56]
Crime and punishment.

[00:18:57]
War and punishment.

[00:18:58]
My brain's broken.

[00:18:59]
War and peace.

[00:19:00]
I had, yeah, sure.

[00:19:01]
I had a beer and I'm dead.

[00:19:03]
Go ahead.

[00:19:04]
I had a beer and I'm dead.

[00:19:07]
All right.

[00:19:08]
Another day was completed.

[00:19:10]
David was washing the sunset once again and again.

[00:19:13]
David.

[00:19:14]
It may be the last time he would see it.

[00:19:18]
He was 2017 and he was still alive.

[00:19:21]
And yet, no matter how many times he reminded himself of his father's wishes, he would occasionally

[00:19:26]
experience a feeling of restlessness.

[00:19:28]
He was, in a literal sense, watching the world every day, letting time pass but yearning

[00:19:33]
to do more so that he might find peace within himself.

[00:19:36]
Then, right as the sun escaped his sight, his codec began beeping.

[00:19:41]
Every muscle in David's age body tensed when he heard it, but a sense of reason calmed

[00:19:45]
him after some thought.

[00:19:46]
Recalling that the only one who could be calling was Hau.

[00:19:50]
Snake.

[00:19:51]
That was the wrong voice.

[00:19:53]
I mixed the voice.

[00:19:55]
That was an ability to spark me in Otacon.

[00:19:58]
Otacon became a smoker.

[00:20:01]
Motherfucker.

[00:20:03]
He took on the habit after Snake.

[00:20:05]
After Snake quit.

[00:20:07]
Snake crackled out through the codecs.

[00:20:10]
He was here.

[00:20:11]
The use of the old code name causing David to plunge.

[00:20:14]
Can you read me?

[00:20:15]
These things are supposed to get better as time goes by, right?

[00:20:18]
He could hear his old friend, Shuckle, which will listen to the same from the old hero.

[00:20:22]
Once the Shuckle died down momentarily, David spoke up offering,

[00:20:27]
That's not usually the case in my experience.

[00:20:30]
He then wasted not one more second and asked,

[00:20:32]
What are you calling me over the codec for?

[00:20:34]
And how come you're calling me Snake?

[00:20:36]
I know you know my name.

[00:20:38]
Having been out of the espionage business for years, it was out and off putting to hear that name.

[00:20:44]
What was said next was not what David wanted to hear.

[00:20:49]
The reason I'm calling you over the codec is because I can't afford to let this conversation be monitored.

[00:20:53]
And I'm calling you Snake because I'm not calling you over for a picnic.

[00:20:56]
You're not going to like this, but I need you to do one last mission for me.

[00:21:01]
With a heavy sigh, the former soldier resigned himself to it without a fight, telling the man in the codec,

[00:21:06]
Let's tell me what it is then if it's that important.

[00:21:09]
Otacon.

[00:21:11]
Owned.

[00:21:13]
Now don't worry Snake, it's nothing like that.

[00:21:16]
I just need you to go undercover and tell me what let's say,

[00:21:20]
Former acquaintances like, Threatwise, Otacon and Form Snake, peaking the great man's interest.

[00:21:26]
Not wanting to leave the man in suspense for another moment, he revealed.

[00:21:30]
It's Mario.

[00:21:32]
Yes, that's right.

[00:21:37]
Yes.

[00:21:42]
Perhaps the most famous and well-known video game star of all.

[00:21:50]
That's who he needed to gather and tell on.

[00:21:53]
You're kidding right? Snake asked, he's Mario.

[00:21:56]
Who doesn't know about the guy? You can't go anywhere in the world without seeing his face come up somewhere.

[00:22:00]
What are you on Otacon?

[00:22:05]
That's real good. Please tell me this becomes like a Super Smash Brothers fan fiction.

[00:22:10]
Oh, just hold on.

[00:22:12]
When Snake could not supply a timely response, he pressed further.

[00:22:15]
Why does he really rescue the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom? What's his motive there?

[00:22:19]
Do you know? Do you even know what his favorite color is?

[00:22:22]
I mean, it's gotta be red, right?

[00:22:29]
Got it. No pressure. That's fine.

[00:22:32]
I'll do it one more time for you.

[00:22:36]
Great.

[00:22:37]
I'll put Mario down.

[00:22:39]
You're going to New Donk City on a commercial flight.

[00:22:48]
Hey, timely.

[00:22:49]
Holy shit. When was this written? Was this written like a month ago?

[00:22:53]
This is recently.

[00:22:55]
This was written October 3rd, 2017.

[00:22:57]
Oh my God.

[00:23:00]
Once again. This is my favorite part.

[00:23:02]
The cliffhanger. Once again, Silent Snake's eyes rolled like they were evading enemy fire.

[00:23:08]
Never change, pal.

[00:23:10]
He told him as he tapped the button to hang up the call, exit his home, made his way to his car,

[00:23:14]
switching the car on, he heard the engine roar like a lion awakened from a long slumber.

[00:23:19]
Kept you waiting, huh?

[00:23:24]
What's the name of the fan fiction?

[00:23:26]
The name of the fan fiction is the end of the snake and the plumber who loved him.

[00:23:31]
Oh my God.

[00:23:34]
I don't know why, but I really, I don't know if it's because my brain has twisted from reading fan fiction for so long,

[00:23:40]
but I really wanted him to get in the car in the garage, crank it up,

[00:23:43]
and then just poison himself with the carbon monoxide from the exhaust.

[00:23:48]
And then Snake killed himself.

[00:23:52]
There is, there's like another section like way further down where he finally runs into Mario,

[00:23:58]
and he's like, Snake's like at a bar like shatting it up with some pretty honey.

[00:24:02]
And then he just hears, wow, in the background in turns, and all it does is describe the mustache.

[00:24:09]
Oh my God. I love that like this is post-metal gear salad for old man microwave snake hitting on women at the bar too, by the way.

[00:24:18]
Yep.

[00:24:20]
Oh God. Jesus Christ.

[00:24:23]
That was great. Good, good fine James. Good fine.

[00:24:26]
Thank you. Thank you.

[00:24:27]
I just love in the plumber who loved.

[00:24:30]
I will say, so it was, it was super weird. There's a lot of like Mario crossover fanfic with metal gear.

[00:24:38]
What? Why?

[00:24:39]
Like a ton.

[00:24:41]
What?

[00:24:42]
It's so weird.

[00:24:43]
I did not notice that at all. What the fuck?

[00:24:46]
Good amount of good amount of Zelda in there too.

[00:24:50]
So what we know is Nintendo kids like to write fanfiction. It sounds.

[00:24:53]
Yeah.

[00:24:54]
Let's start typecasting immediately.

[00:24:58]
All right, Sam, are you still trying to find yours? Should we move on to me or Isaac?

[00:25:02]
Oh, I found it.

[00:25:04]
Oh no.

[00:25:05]
There's 46 chapters.

[00:25:08]
Oh, what?

[00:25:09]
Got a awful.

[00:25:10]
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know that any sum of money will get me to part with this information.

[00:25:16]
You need to read all 46 chapters, but Isaac, do you want to go first?

[00:25:20]
I couldn't. I couldn't.

[00:25:23]
Sure.

[00:25:25]
Okay.

[00:25:26]
I can. I can. I can read mine.

[00:25:29]
Well, I mean, I've got to get over with eventually, right?

[00:25:33]
Okay. Yeah. We'll just put off the band.

[00:25:35]
Damn, I said.

[00:25:36]
Rip it off.

[00:25:37]
Well, okay. So I didn't have as good a look as you guys apparently after hearing James's amazing crossover.

[00:25:52]
All the ones that I found were like super.

[00:25:55]
I don't know how to describe it.

[00:25:57]
I mean, okay, this is technically my first foray into fan fiction. So I have no idea what this is amazing.

[00:26:06]
So it's Isaac's first foray into metal gear things. And it's also his first foray in a page.

[00:26:12]
I'm happy that it could be.

[00:26:14]
Yeah. I don't know if that's a good thing.

[00:26:18]
All right. So here's here I go.

[00:26:22]
All right.

[00:26:23]
This one is called the Fox and the grind.

[00:26:27]
Oh, shit.

[00:26:29]
Boy, not the grind.

[00:26:32]
Not what you think.

[00:26:34]
Okay. Here's a summary. How is an exactly picky about how caffeine gets into his body?

[00:26:41]
But one of the baristas at the local coffee shop is kind of cute.

[00:26:47]
Here we go. Please tell me this is just an auto con fan fiction.

[00:26:52]
Kind of.

[00:26:53]
Go ahead.

[00:26:54]
Here we go.

[00:26:55]
All right. It's kind of long. It's a little over 1000 words. So is that okay, guys?

[00:27:00]
You're going to go in? You're doing the whole thing?

[00:27:02]
I'm going in.

[00:27:03]
Hit it.

[00:27:04]
It's a lot of narration.

[00:27:05]
Hit it.

[00:27:06]
So here we go.

[00:27:08]
There's a coffee shop within walking distance of howl's dorm room called Fox ground.

[00:27:13]
He's supposed to.

[00:27:14]
It's a joke based on the university mascot and coffee, but it always sounded kind of morbid to him.

[00:27:21]
It's close enough to sometimes that sometimes even actually walks there bypassing the kitschy souvenir shop on the first floor of its building for a cozy cafe.

[00:27:32]
All all dim lights and seasonal drinks and a few beat up leather couches.

[00:27:38]
The drinks. Okay. His this person's descriptions are quite lengthy.

[00:27:44]
What do you mean that the fan fiction doesn't have good grammar, Isaac?

[00:27:48]
What do you say?

[00:27:49]
I didn't say grammar.

[00:27:51]
I hear you.

[00:27:52]
I'm back.

[00:27:53]
The drinks are good, although he's hardly a connoisseur of such things and would settle for injecting caffeine directly into his bloodstream to be perfectly honest.

[00:28:01]
One of the baristas is kind of cute.

[00:28:04]
Perfect.

[00:28:05]
Howl had been intimidated by him at first.

[00:28:08]
David was all muscle.

[00:28:10]
Oh, yeah.

[00:28:11]
Quiet.

[00:28:12]
Rough words with a glacial gaze that felt like it could pin him physically to the wall.

[00:28:19]
He was there about two thirds of the time how stopped in and he was always a little disappointed when one of the other baristas was there instead.

[00:28:26]
He wouldn't call it a crush or even an infatuation.

[00:28:30]
He didn't even know David's name for months, but eventually the sense of intimidation wore off and he grew to appreciate things beyond David's biceps, which like still though.

[00:28:41]
That's actually part of the fan fiction.

[00:28:46]
Be still my heart.

[00:28:48]
I love this.

[00:28:50]
This is wonderful.

[00:28:51]
Like his little like his slight tug of a smile and the dryly humorous quips he made on occasion.

[00:28:58]
Most of their interactions were simple.

[00:29:00]
Howl ordered one of the weird new monthly drinks and because he came in at weird times when the shop was mostly empty, David would chat with him.

[00:29:07]
Usually they discussed the weather because Howl was about as socially confident as a wet paper towel was structurally sound.

[00:29:15]
And then he takes his completed drink and leave memorably one time.

[00:29:21]
Howl was so distracted by admiring David that his order came out more like this.

[00:29:26]
Yeah, could I get a sister?

[00:29:29]
Let me try that again.

[00:29:31]
He had tried his best to ignore his obvious blush, took a slightly burnt homemade Apple's shrucil pastry, whatever they were, ignored David's quirked lips and raised eyebrow and lingering touch when he handed back Howl's card and avoided the place for a month.

[00:29:48]
When he finally made it back a rainy humid miserable day on which he needed to be somewhere that wasn't his dorm or his lab, but he didn't have the energy for sustained human interaction.

[00:30:01]
David had looked at him thoughtfully.

[00:30:04]
You alright, kid?

[00:30:08]
Howl had looked up from point in the not tap tapping his wallet against his leg, waiting to pay in a wow.

[00:30:15]
Seriously, how were this guy's eyes so clear and started over three responses before getting out?

[00:30:22]
Yeah, just midterm season, you know, and he left.

[00:30:29]
David made a small in agreement.

[00:30:33]
That was a little too big, but in agreement and turned back to make it his dream.

[00:30:41]
Howl opened his mouth, closed it, and then it's Howl, by the way.

[00:30:48]
David glanced at him over the espresso machine.

[00:30:51]
I know.

[00:30:53]
He usually pay with card.

[00:30:57]
Oh, right. Howl smiled nervously and started studying, studiously examining the display of cookies until his finished drink invaded his vision.

[00:31:07]
Here, David looked at him warmly.

[00:31:10]
Stay in a while, Howl.

[00:31:13]
Howl stayed in the shop for another two hours talking to David, messing around on the phone on the two sole occasions other customers came in through the driving rain.

[00:31:21]
Oh man, this is quite long. Sorry guys.

[00:31:25]
Oh my gosh.

[00:31:28]
Okay, after that, he took some of his works at the cafe when he could or just hung out there absorbing the energy of the workspace that was really tiny.

[00:31:52]
You learn David had two dogs, of which he happily showed how pictures and videos of one asked or when he thought Howl was looking particularly down about life, which was often.

[00:32:05]
He had a weird relationship with the silver haired man who seemed to run the place and who was about as terrifying as David had seemed initially.

[00:32:14]
Maybe more so whenever he caught Howl's eyes.

[00:32:21]
Howl's eyes.

[00:32:40]
The Boyz .

[00:32:43]
A muffled voice called David ground his teeth glancing around for what house

[00:32:51]
For what how couldn't guess a second round of gunfire shattered the shop windows and how covered

[00:32:57]
What the what's going on now?

[00:33:01]
You need to you need to move David snapped how tried to articulate a response to that and couldn't so he just nodded jerkly

[00:33:09]
Listen the supply room in the back has a window you can reach the fire escape from

[00:33:15]
The alley it leads lets you out towards Ray Street

[00:33:20]
Snake a different voice called accented at the best

[00:33:25]
Accented and the best word for the scowl that twisted David's face was discussed

[00:33:30]
He grabbed how's bag and forced it into his arms. What are you gonna do?

[00:33:38]
You

[00:34:02]
They're here for me. They won't come for you

[00:34:04]
David said harshly once you're outside head north and don't hesitate you press the key ring into how's hands and

[00:34:13]
bodily shoved him through the door

[00:34:15]
What and the door slammed shut and lock clicked and a deafening finality

[00:34:21]
Leaving him in the dark supply room lit fuzzily from the frosted window on the far wall in

[00:34:28]
In the seconds it took for him to process what had just happened and as as if on autopilot

[00:34:34]
Open and slit out the window. He heard three more words

[00:34:37]
liquid

[00:34:39]
so brother

[00:34:44]
That's amazing. I thought he was gonna be like here at three more words. I love you

[00:34:51]
Realize how long that was now you're fine. I just want to I want to pause for a second and I just want to say

[00:34:58]
When we read some of these we are laughing at the content not at the creator

[00:35:04]
So I just want to say exactly if somebody based the thing we just read on like a real life infatuation

[00:35:10]
They had with a barista a that's cute as fuck and be I'm glad that you chose this to be like your

[00:35:18]
Your venue express that yeah

[00:35:21]
So please don't think that we're making fun of people who are like are choosing this is like a creative outlet

[00:35:28]
But I will say this was like cute as fuck

[00:35:34]
Very nice Sam I can go first if you want

[00:35:40]
Okay, go ahead

[00:35:42]
I'm gonna read

[00:35:46]
The kernels drunken hysteria by Foxhound 20 oh shit when was this written?

[00:35:54]
Written November 11th 2013

[00:35:58]
There is a lot. Can I just say one thing I discovered in doing this exercise? There's a lot of metal gear fanfiction

[00:36:04]
That's it. That's all I want to say

[00:36:07]
It took me off guard go ahead Sam

[00:36:11]
The kernels drunken hysteria by Foxhound 26

[00:36:17]
Roy Campbell was a very well respected Colonel

[00:36:20]
He had accomplished more than any other man in his position had ever hoped to

[00:36:25]
So one might ask why this respected Colonel was drinking his ass off at one in the morning. Yes

[00:36:29]
Oh

[00:36:38]
Spoiler I have not read through this

[00:36:42]
Yes

[00:36:45]
Yeah, if you get to a racial slur just like hard stuff

[00:36:50]
Yeah, if you see me if you hear me just let go

[00:37:00]
As he sat there alone he wondered what his life had left to offer him

[00:37:06]
He was sick and tired of all the action

[00:37:08]
He was surprised when a woman much younger than him sat down next to him

[00:37:13]
He thought this was perfect. He would tell this woman how he destroyed metal gear wrecks

[00:37:18]
Surely it would get him some less dangerous action

[00:37:21]
maybe

[00:37:24]
In a drunken slur

[00:37:26]
He decided to say something

[00:37:29]
Hey there, did you know I killed a giant evil robotic dinosaur?

[00:37:36]
The woman ignored him the woman ignored him so he tried again

[00:37:43]
That's our boy Roy killed it I killed it and even had a name it was pedal rear X

[00:37:53]
The woman decided to sit somewhere else she probably had enough trouble with drinks already

[00:37:58]
Fine then

[00:38:03]
It's supposed to be bitch I think it's B.I.S.S.S.T.C.H. is out spelled hey to be to be fair though

[00:38:09]
Apparently Roy was a little bit of a womanizer even in the cannon

[00:38:15]
True anyway

[00:38:19]
Roy got up and stumbled towards the exit all while forgetting to pay for his alcohol fun time

[00:38:25]
You put it on my tab you piece of shit

[00:38:30]
Android robot for a living

[00:38:34]
He stumbled even harder out of the bar fell face first into the street the cold ground gave him an odd feeling and it reminded him of

[00:38:42]
Shadow Moses Island

[00:38:44]
He wasn't even on

[00:38:51]
He heard a truck driving by and started to become schizophrani

[00:38:56]
No, it can't be another metal gear. He quickly crawled under a nearby

[00:39:04]
Watches the truck drove by he started playing with his watch as if it was a communication device snake. Can you hear me?

[00:39:11]
This is carl Campbell

[00:39:15]
Looks like I'm on my own this time

[00:39:17]
I

[00:39:18]
Gotta get out of here. He said quietly he crawled as quick as he could to the manhole in the middle of the street

[00:39:23]
Yes, he managed to open it. He climbed down the ladder

[00:39:27]
Surprisingly without falling and entered the sewers. I can't believe this is happening again snake come in snake

[00:39:35]
Damn, what's going on?

[00:39:37]
The Colonel started creeping down the dark corridor. He was being very cautious

[00:39:42]
He stopped and leaned up against the wall when he heard what sounded like a huge metal gear above on the street

[00:39:47]
But it was actually a big rig truck

[00:39:50]
As he came up to a closed metal door his cell phone started to ring

[00:39:54]
He stopped and pressed a button on his watch still thinking it was communication device

[00:39:58]
He seemed to think snake was calling him on his frequency. This is Colonel Campbell snake. Can you hear me?

[00:40:04]
I'm in the middle of danger. There are metal gears all over the place. What should I do snake?

[00:40:09]
Damn it connection lost

[00:40:12]
He went up to the door and slowly opened it

[00:40:14]
There was yet again another dark corridor with a door on the left side

[00:40:17]
He saw a shadow coming his way and it quickly made it to the small room to on the left

[00:40:22]
It appeared to be a maintenance closet

[00:40:25]
They must use these tools to maintain the metal

[00:40:28]
I love the adventures of like mad drunk Roy Campbell

[00:40:34]
Like I just want this to end with him like killing a person

[00:40:39]
I kind of wish I could go back to the beginning and replace Roy with Matt

[00:40:42]
Oh, God, I kind of wish that somebody did like an animated version of this on YouTube

[00:40:50]
Man, this is great

[00:40:53]
He leaned up against the wall as he heard footsteps outside the door

[00:40:57]
The person walking stopped for a moment, but then proceeded to keep walking

[00:41:00]
The sound of the footsteps slowly faded away the Colonel gave a sigh of relief

[00:41:05]
He crept out of the room and made his way to the end of the corridor

[00:41:09]
Hmm a ladder

[00:41:10]
The Colonel climbed the ladder and exited the sewers as he made his way to the streets

[00:41:15]
He noticed another truck approaching. He dove behind the car to take cover. Oh, no, it's a gecko snake

[00:41:21]
I need backup damn it. Where's my support? Ah

[00:41:24]
There I could take cover inside that building. Oh, so this is post

[00:41:28]
We what so this is post metal. Yeah, it's geckos. He's an old Roy Campbell. Yep

[00:41:34]
Old Roy Campbell doing this shit

[00:41:38]
He ran over to a window and broke it open with a brick and iron inside

[00:41:47]
Why is anybody called the cops on this old drunk man?

[00:41:53]
He's really old man, I think you might have Alzheimer's running around the city

[00:41:59]
He had entered an office building it was pretty dark and he noticed all the computers and was surprised

[00:42:04]
I've made it to the control room

[00:42:07]
Equipment can cannot be allowed to thrive. Oh

[00:42:11]
No, Colonel Campbell looked around the room and found the basement. He slowly opened the door. It was pitch black

[00:42:18]
I'm gonna need something to help me see

[00:42:20]
He looked around the office and grabbed a pair of sunglasses

[00:42:24]
There we go night vision

[00:42:27]
Oh

[00:42:31]
He started to walk down the stairs, that's just perfect now I can easily

[00:42:39]
The word crash in all caps and parentheses appears here, so I imagine that's a sound effect

[00:42:44]
Crash the Colonel fell down the stairs. Ah an enemy trap. I better hurry

[00:42:51]
He felt on the walls and found a nozzle and turned it a few times

[00:42:54]
The Colonel went back upstairs and jumped back outside and then through his lighter inside

[00:42:58]
Thanks to the gas line being opened

[00:43:09]
That's amazing

[00:43:14]
Snake I don't know if you can hear me, but the control room has been destroyed

[00:43:18]
I

[00:43:20]
Fire trucks police cars and a few ambulances were on the way

[00:43:25]
Snake I have multiple metal gears converging on my position. I need extraction goddammit snake

[00:43:32]
the Colonel ran towards the nearby river and

[00:43:38]
And ditched his clothes

[00:43:40]
Figuring they would weigh him down and dove in avoiding all the police and firemen or in his mind

[00:43:47]
Metal gears the end. Oh my gosh, that's fucking wonderful. That's hilarious

[00:43:57]
That was phenomenal that might be one of my favorite

[00:44:01]
All right

[00:44:03]
Let me just pop my knuckles real quick and get ready for this garbage heap that I'm about to

[00:44:08]
before you say I I've I

[00:44:10]
I

[00:44:12]
Actually hate myself because I've kind of like skimmed this fan fiction that I wrote and

[00:44:17]
Yeah, this is awful. Oh, it's fine. And I'm sorry to the I'm sorry to the universe for Sam. You can send it to me. I can

[00:44:26]
Keep it in confidence. Also, I could also not that's true. Are you guys ready?

[00:44:32]
Yes, so this selection is from fanfiction.net. It's written by user born hyphen and

[00:44:39]
hyphen Chris

[00:44:41]
And this is the summary

[00:44:44]
Wait, born and Chris. Yeah

[00:44:47]
What a weird name. Yeah, here's the summary

[00:44:51]
Naked snake must survive the mission and defeat the evil forces of Vulcan. Can snake do it? How will the story fold?

[00:44:58]
Will the Patriots win the Super Bowl?

[00:45:01]
What's going on?

[00:45:02]
Find out on Metal Gear Solid

[00:45:05]
Also, check our read along on YouTube so check it out you guys this is going in the show notes

[00:45:11]
These motherfuckers recorded an audio book of their whole 47 chapter

[00:45:16]
like

[00:45:19]
Oh, yeah, right so here we go. I just I'm gonna read you guys the beginning because they did it like a movie at the beginning

[00:45:26]
Foxfucker presents

[00:45:29]
a

[00:45:31]
Video oh, yeah, that's what I cancel it already cancel it. This is my favorite

[00:45:36]
This is my favorite part and from the mind of Chris King brings you

[00:45:41]
Metal Gear Solid logic fucker. Can we talk about real quick? I just want to I'm a camp out on this line quote and

[00:45:48]
From the mind of Chris King brings you

[00:45:52]
What the fuck

[00:45:55]
All right

[00:45:56]
All right, here we go. We're going in I'm just gonna read until I get to like a spot that I think we should just walk away from this

[00:46:03]
trash fire

[00:46:06]
Okay, Soviet Union the year was 1776 or I mean

[00:46:14]
1964 my bad

[00:46:16]
New York City naked snake was running across the bridge in Dolina Vodno

[00:46:21]
When all of a sudden he gets caught by a muscular Russian guard

[00:46:26]
Russian guard says I'm going to break you until you are broken

[00:46:30]
He then grabbed snake lifts him up and shouts backbreaker from hell

[00:46:35]
The Russian guard throws snake to his knees

[00:46:38]
shattering his spine

[00:46:41]
snake

[00:46:44]
Out of nowhere the boss arrives from the scene with a nuclear warhead

[00:46:49]
Damn son you broke his back

[00:46:52]
The boss then lifts snake from the bridge and attempts to throw him off the bridge snake

[00:46:57]
No, no, no, no, no the boss then throws snake off the bridge

[00:47:01]
Snake then screams from the top of his lungs and slams into a boulder

[00:47:09]
Snake then falls into the river with it carrying his unconscious body

[00:47:13]
Once snakes emerges from the river

[00:47:15]
He wakes up in a pain and calls major Tom whimpering for help

[00:47:21]
Major I need fix my back. It's broken

[00:47:25]
Major Tom says don't ask me you wanker ask paramedic

[00:47:30]
Snake says but major Tom no butts now piss off

[00:47:35]
Snake then calls paramedic and paramedic replies in a seductive tone. Hi snake. How can I help you?

[00:47:42]
Paramedic how to fix my back

[00:47:45]
Go climb up a tree jump off it and land on the log right next to it

[00:47:50]
Okay seems legit

[00:47:52]
Snake then takes paramedics advice to adjust his back by climbing up the tree jumps off it with little amount of strength

[00:47:59]
He misses the log and rolls down a hill grunting angrily

[00:48:04]
Why this happening to me

[00:48:07]
Snake once again breaks his back for the third time but a lot worse and whimpers in pain

[00:48:13]
Just then the very same Russian man that broke snakes back spots snake again. I

[00:48:19]
Thought I broke you

[00:48:21]
After the guard does another backbreaker from hell snake began to scream panic like grunts

[00:48:29]
Why do you hate me?

[00:48:31]
Snake's mother I told Jack not to join the military, but did he listen no

[00:48:37]
Snake quickly takes a fake death pill shitting his pants with the Russian kicking him away saying

[00:48:44]
He smells like dead asshole, then he leaves the scene snake revives himself screaming in agony

[00:48:52]
He then notices that he had defecated his pants. Oh damn it. I've done shit myself

[00:48:58]
One clean up later

[00:49:00]
Okay, let's give this another go snakes makes makes another attempt having to crawl his way back to the tree where he fell

[00:49:06]
Fell from snake misses again and once more he rolls down the hill

[00:49:10]
This is bullshit

[00:49:12]
Before the third attempt snake snake attempts to push the log closer with a little men of strength with no success

[00:49:18]
He calls a deer for assistance

[00:49:20]
Help me woodland creature. I need your help

[00:49:24]
Okay

[00:49:26]
What snake does not know is that it's a male deer it then charges at snakes shoving the antlers up his ass with snakes screaming his

[00:49:34]
grunts

[00:49:37]
Though despite the pain he is going through he successfully pushes the log to the right spot

[00:49:41]
Get your antler out of my ass snake says the deer says okay pop

[00:49:49]
Snake climbs the tree and jumps off of it for the third time. Okay. Here we go. I'm free

[00:49:56]
Crack snake totally lands on the log with his back snake then sheds a manly tear

[00:50:02]
totally worth it

[00:50:05]
And there you go

[00:50:08]
That was something special

[00:50:12]
That was interesting. Yeah, those fucking bananas

[00:50:17]
Alright, so let's do this. Yeah, dude. Absolutely. I want to hear like the YouTube text-to-speech or whatever the excuse me the Google

[00:50:25]
Text-to-speech read that to me

[00:50:29]
So check it out. Let's do reverse order

[00:50:33]
Or excuse me same order from before for the for the original writing so James what you got would you bring?

[00:50:39]
All right, so I I kept it pretty simple. I wrote three haikus

[00:50:44]
Perfect, so I'm gonna I'm gonna read those for you

[00:50:49]
Espionage tight ass

[00:50:52]
Otacon stays nasty metal gear solid

[00:50:56]
That was fun. That was fucking phenomenal. Thank you. Thank you. Can you please like send that to me over?

[00:51:04]
So I can post it to the Facebook page

[00:51:07]
Absolutely, can we get an encore reading actually could you read that one?

[00:51:12]
Yeah, I'll give you the first one more time. All right, espionage. There's three of these tight ass

[00:51:17]
Otacon stays nasty metal gear solid. Oh my gosh

[00:51:25]
Kevin stays nasty. All right number two this one. I

[00:51:31]
Know I feel about it bursting like a snake covered sticky must escape kept you waiting, huh?

[00:51:55]
Somebody finally broke a lessy

[00:51:59]
Good

[00:52:01]
This last one's just a bonus one that I just I had a good time with I thought was fun

[00:52:06]
Oh, it's riding quick one-eyed motherfucker. Ow. He stabbed me dead

[00:52:14]
Quick it's right. Did you do the syllable count and everything? Yep. I sure did. Oh those are fucking great

[00:52:22]
Wow, why don't we write haikus for a living James would be a fucking master. I know I could

[00:52:32]
Yeah, please

[00:52:36]
So I know I brought it up last time I said hey we should

[00:52:39]
I

[00:52:48]
Is it okay if I didn't

[00:52:53]
Can you tell me what you think peace walkers gonna be about oh

[00:52:57]
Geez well, I was gonna say I was gonna make up one on the spot, but

[00:53:04]
Fucking do it

[00:53:07]
I'm gonna listen listen no Isaac. Here's what we're gonna do. Here's your challenge. You have to go for one minute

[00:53:13]
I will time you you have to go for one minute and just start making up a fucking metal gear story. Okay. Yeah

[00:53:20]
All right, give me a premise or something. Give me

[00:53:23]
Work with it's got to be about Matt Campbell. Matt Campbell. Okay, and mayorals gotta be trading

[00:53:30]
Yeah, and infiltrating a

[00:53:32]
a

[00:53:34]
Nazi submarine Nazi submarine

[00:53:38]
Yeah, the prequel to everything in the metal. Yeah universe. Yeah, this is the original

[00:53:43]
Original metal the Cobra unit is like somewhere on Normandy Beach, but you're you're under the seas. Yeah

[00:53:50]
Okay, this is actually a time-trapper you got you ready. This is gonna be really bad and just make

[00:53:57]
I

[00:54:00]
Listeners at home brace yourself

[00:54:02]
Don't fall asleep

[00:54:05]
All right, okay, I'll catch you down right three you have one you go for one minute and I'll tell you when to start

[00:54:11]
All right, I three two

[00:54:13]
one

[00:54:15]
bling bling bling bling

[00:54:18]
Snake come in snake

[00:54:21]
Huh?

[00:54:23]
It's me Matt

[00:54:26]
Why do we have the same voice?

[00:54:31]
Meryl, I'm so sorry

[00:54:37]
Meryl must have put our

[00:54:39]
voice

[00:54:40]
replicators on this this channel

[00:54:46]
Are you at the base right now?

[00:54:49]
Yeah, I got my flippy floppies on Matt

[00:54:53]
What about your timepiece my what?

[00:55:03]
Your watch

[00:55:06]
My watch oh

[00:55:09]
Snake

[00:55:12]
Your mission snake

[00:55:14]
Infiltrate the Nazi submarines kill Adolf Hitler. I repeat kill Adolf Hitler

[00:55:22]
All right

[00:55:30]
A minute let's not even think about it. I could not stop you. I think about the fact that like snake was not even a sperm in the 40s

[00:55:40]
Oh god, I just love that you perfectly timed it to where kill Adolf Hitler was the last

[00:55:49]
Kill Adolf

[00:55:53]
God

[00:55:55]
Jesus Christ that was really good. I think

[00:55:57]
Okay

[00:55:59]
My favorite was the perfectly timed snake come in snake and then just the delivery on the

[00:56:06]
Like he was just legitimately like Isaac woke himself up in that moment

[00:56:12]
Oh man

[00:56:15]
Guys, that's what you what that's what happens when you just put me on the spot like that when you just give into the universe

[00:56:22]
All right, Sam. Oh that was bad

[00:56:26]
Well, do you want do you want to go or do you want me to do my last year? Do you want? Oh, that's right? Yeah, I'll jump in

[00:56:33]
All right, so I wrote a legitimate fan fiction

[00:56:36]
Uh, I'm gonna let me see what the word count is

[00:56:40]
I wrote 400 words for you motherfuckers. You better enjoy the nice. Oh shit. That's the solid dude. All right. That's awesome

[00:56:48]
That's a one shot my dude

[00:56:50]
chapter one

[00:56:51]
Rise of a new son

[00:56:55]
Cracking open his chapped eyes

[00:56:57]
LG hits news on the quietly buzzing alarm he'd set for himself the night before

[00:57:00]
The clerk clock hardly rang given the remaining battery power he had left to keep his home and best friend mg raymond functioning

[00:57:08]
With a massive yawn and a quick belly scratch

[00:57:10]
LG stood straight up from his resting position and instinctively reached for his can of narc cola

[00:57:16]
Just like every other morning since boss knows how long the can was empty and LG's belly rumbled

[00:57:22]
Ducking his head under the war about little gray. Holy shit ducking his head under the war and leather seat

[00:57:27]
He found his stash of loose cigarettes and plucked one out grabbing a strike anywhere match from a crudely slapped together knapsack

[00:57:33]
He lit it up

[00:57:34]
Immediately loud alarm started going off in the dimly lit monitors in the space turned blood red

[00:57:39]
Damn it. LG muttered under his breath

[00:57:42]
Clasping the emergency lever firmly with his left foot

[00:57:45]
He pulled down craning open the mouth of mg raymond turned private bedroom and revealing the blasted hellscape that lay before him

[00:57:53]
He still heard the screams of human suffering in his head whenever he looked out

[00:57:57]
onto the horizon

[00:57:59]
Of what once was downtown brazil

[00:58:02]
What was snake thinking retiring to a cabin overlooking the vast metropolis thinking his fox diet taking care of itself

[00:58:09]
None were the wiser to the fact that snake had still developed into some sort of geriatric ticking weapon of mass destruction

[00:58:15]
And the power vacuum that opened up in the crippled society after losing half of the human population on the planet

[00:58:20]
An android going by matthew camble had seized his shot at power and became the god king of the remaining humans

[00:58:27]
With resources depleting the atmosphere being heavily affected by the overload of toxic nanomachines and people dying off globally

[00:58:34]
LG had commandeered a rogue metal gear ray unit and parted ways ways with his now deceased father dreppin 893

[00:58:42]
All that was left for this little

[00:58:44]
Gray monkey was living one day at a time

[00:58:48]
But now he was all out of nark almost out of cigarettes and no apples were anywhere to be seen

[00:58:54]
Things would have to take a turn sooner than later

[00:58:56]
It was time to head into the remnants of the city to find supplies

[00:58:59]
He'd have to avoid the nanomachine zombies that that god awful konami vaccine had generated during humanity's time of need though

[00:59:07]
Ta-da

[00:59:10]
Nice

[00:59:13]
So I wrote a fan I wrote a fan fiction about mad max about the mad max gray monkey

[00:59:19]
Little skin monkey

[00:59:22]
You you started out saying chapter one. Yeah, I thought there was gonna be like

[00:59:27]
Five chapters to them. Oh, they're coming. I'm working on. Oh, yeah

[00:59:33]
I like how we all weaved in a little mat Campbell. I think it was it was good

[00:59:37]
Real good. All right, Sam set us up with the premise for what happened because I feel like you've got a very interesting story

[00:59:45]
Okay, so first off full disclosure. I did not write mine

[00:59:50]
Um, what I did was on a phone call with my seven-year-old cousin

[00:59:56]
Um, I briefly very poorly explained the plot of the first metal gear solid and I said, hey, you should write a story about this

[01:00:04]
Oh, god, and he said he said okay

[01:00:09]
Um, did you coax this child into doing your homework?

[01:00:14]
I thought it would be funny and it is. Um, this is it's very short. It's not very long at all and um

[01:00:21]
I am also convinced

[01:00:24]
That my cousin did not understand that snake was a human and not

[01:00:30]
So, yes

[01:00:32]
So with that information, I uh would like to present to you

[01:00:37]
Um a dramatic retelling of metal gear solid one in four paragraphs by my seven-year-old cousin

[01:00:45]
It was nighttime and everyone was asleep

[01:00:49]
Everyone was asleep except for the snake because he had to do his work

[01:00:54]
The snake

[01:00:56]
Was very sneaky and he crawled very quietly because he had to get into the big house

[01:01:02]
And if he went into the big house and he woke everyone up then everyone would be mad at him

[01:01:10]
The snake was trying to go to the building

[01:01:13]
But there were a lot of people outside walking around the yard even though it was cold and nighttime

[01:01:17]
But snake needed to get into the house to stop the big robot. I was gonna blow everything up

[01:01:22]
So snake kept on going because even though there were people he was very good at hiding

[01:01:27]
So snake

[01:01:30]
So so snake hit a lot and he got to almost the house, but the snake woke up mr. Helicopter who was sleeping in the yard

[01:01:40]
But it wasn't him actually that woke up mr. Helicopter

[01:01:44]
It was a mean guy and the mean guy had the robot that wanted to blow up the world

[01:01:51]
The

[01:01:55]
This is I think my favorite paragraph in the in the story so far

[01:01:58]
The mean guy took helicopter away so the snake went into the house

[01:02:02]
He went to see if he could find the robot so we could blow it up before it blew up all the other things

[01:02:07]
So the robot could hide good too, even though it was very big

[01:02:14]
I just thought but the robot could hide good too

[01:02:21]
He looked he looked a bunch and he found a man who was good at mass

[01:02:28]
He found a man that was good at math and get this he's good at math and he was named octagon

[01:02:39]
Yes

[01:02:41]
This kid's gonna go play some octagon so good. I know

[01:02:45]
But octagon was scared about a ninja and the snake had to fight the ninja

[01:02:50]
But then the ninja ran away and octagon decided to help the snake find the robot

[01:02:55]
After a long time where snake ran around the house a bunch snake found the robot

[01:03:01]
His girlfriend and octagon and even the ninja wanted to blow up the robot

[01:03:05]
But the mean guy didn't want them to so he turned on the robot

[01:03:09]
The snakes the snake still beat the robot because he had rockets and robots are allergic to rockets

[01:03:14]
But he still had to fight the mean guy

[01:03:18]
And the

[01:03:20]
And the snake beat the mean guy and he decided not to be at the house anymore and left with his friends the end

[01:03:27]
Oh, that was fantastic

[01:03:30]
That was really good. Like I don't even think Hideo Kojima's like pitch documents were probably as concise as that story

[01:03:40]
Hey, tell you you tell your cousin that he's got a career writing fast and furious movies in front of him

[01:03:46]
If people want and maybe I'll poorly explain the plot of middle of your solid two to him and then see if we'll write that too

[01:03:53]
perfect

[01:03:55]
That was awesome. Maybe this will be what the podcast will be about when we run out of middle gear games

[01:03:59]
We'll just talk about my cousin's fan fiction. It's just called my cousin's fan fiction monday's

[01:04:06]
Very nice. That was super good. Well, so is it fan fiction if your cousin doesn't know anything about it?

[01:04:12]
He's not really a fan. It's just kind of fiction at that point

[01:04:19]
Yeah

[01:04:21]
Yeah, I guess so but i'm gonna count it

[01:04:24]
Um, it's second hand fan fiction. He really did like that. He liked that. It was about robots

[01:04:29]
So and there was a ninja in it. So he liked that too. I did love uh snake wanted to help octagon who was afraid of a ninja

[01:04:37]
Oh, that killed me. He found the guy that was really good at math and his name was octagon

[01:04:43]
and I read that line when he went uh when uh

[01:04:46]
My uncle my uncle emailed it to me

[01:04:50]
And and uh, yeah, I guess I forgot to ask how did your seven-year-old cousin get you this information?

[01:04:57]
No, I asked my uncle if it was okay and he said yes and he emailed it to me after my cousin wrote it and um, uh,

[01:05:04]
uh, honestly

[01:05:07]
He found he looked a bunch and he found a man who was good at math and he was named octagon

[01:05:12]
I think I read that and I laughed

[01:05:18]
Did you commission this piece from your cousin? Did you like pay your cousin?

[01:05:23]
Well, I i'm going back to uh, uh, Ohio on vacation. So i'm gonna pay him in high fives and he he'll be okay with that

[01:05:29]
Dude, you uh, i'm gonna pay him in high fives and started this kid's artistic career. That's amazing

[01:05:35]
Yep pay him in high fives and playing xbox with him and he'll love that so

[01:05:39]
Nice tell him to do the smart thing and get a playstation

[01:05:42]
Um, it's true. Can't confirm

[01:05:45]
good call

[01:05:46]
Well, cool you guys um fucking xbox

[01:05:51]
This uh, this marks the end of uh the end of our return season and uh, I had a really good time

[01:05:56]
You know like I I kind of want to play around with maybe doing something a little bit more lighthearted to end

[01:06:02]
Each of the seasons, uh, maybe moving forward for peace walker and stuff. We can just talk about like

[01:06:08]
our sort of

[01:06:09]
Final thoughts and just like fun easter eggs and just kind of goofy stuff

[01:06:13]
Um, yeah, I don't know. It was good. I had a really good time coming back. These episodes have been really good

[01:06:17]
I feel like this season has been one of like the best produced seasons of this show. So

[01:06:24]
Been good. I think we did a good thing. Yeah, I think we did a smart thing

[01:06:28]
Yeah, um, can we like keep can we like keep doing the skits? Is that oh, yeah. No, that was the plan. Skits are great

[01:06:34]
Yeah, the skits are hilarious

[01:06:36]
By the way, I have uh, I have messaged you all those haikus so that you can you can log them and refer back to them in times of need

[01:06:43]
Hell yeah, hell yeah

[01:06:46]
Hell yeah, I'm reading them right now. Okay. I'm gonna pay back attention. Okay. Um, so, uh, oh, so you'll read it to us

[01:06:52]
Aspionage tight ass

[01:06:55]
Otacon stays nasty

[01:06:57]
Metal Gear Solid

[01:07:00]
Okay, I'll read the second one and then Isaac you read the third one. We're doing this for James

[01:07:06]
Bursting like a snake covered sticky must escape. You kept you waiting, huh?

[01:07:12]
It's like covered stinky must escape

[01:07:18]
I like the rhyme. I like that you rhymed it

[01:07:21]
Isaac you have to read the last one in your nerd voice. I don't you guys keep saying that. What is my nerd voice?

[01:07:30]
That one oh

[01:07:32]
Um, uh, oh, it's riding quick one-eyed mother

[01:07:42]
Ow he stabbed me dead

[01:07:44]
I

[01:07:47]
Love it. Those are great. Um, I was wondering how he was gonna handle that second. Yeah, thanks. Thanks internet for thanks internet for having us

[01:07:56]
I hope and uh, yeah, we didn't have any obviously because this is the first season that we're back

[01:08:01]
I don't think anybody expected this ourselves included. So we don't really have any listener feedback

[01:08:05]
Uh responses or what have you but that that being said, uh, if you guys have any responses for metal gear survive metal gear rising metal gear mobile

[01:08:13]
Metal Gear fan fiction or metal gear solid peace walker. Please submit them via email

[01:08:17]
uh, acsummerfield.gmail.com contact at forever national dot com twitter dms at metal gear monday or via the facebook page

[01:08:24]
Metal Gear Mondays and that due date is july the seventh

[01:08:29]
Um, so yeah, like we said before we're gonna start. I will say I will say to

[01:08:35]
And let's say if you if you

[01:08:36]
Disagree with this you can you can cut it out or whatever, but I think I think um

[01:08:42]
Please send in like responses for those things. Yeah, like questions about the games or stuff like that because we have gotten a lot of like

[01:08:50]
You know messages of you know, we miss you guys or we missed you guys or we're so happy you're back

[01:08:56]
And we that's fucking awesome and we appreciate that so much but like

[01:09:00]
At what point does reading that on the show become kind of self masturbatory a little bit?

[01:09:05]
So we're probably not gonna read those messages on the show

[01:09:07]
But thank you guys so much for sending those and we we really you know, appreciate that you guys are happy

[01:09:12]
We're back

[01:09:13]
Yeah, but you know, we want to we want to get into that juicy metal gear content

[01:09:17]
So send your responses to that stuff if I had to make a request I would say give us something that we can talk about

[01:09:23]
Um, yeah, let us bite into the meat

[01:09:27]
Yeah, um or tell us about your experience so we can kind of riff off that but yeah, I mean I agree with sam

[01:09:31]
um, don't think

[01:09:33]
That your praise is or negative feedback is falling on deaf ears because truth be told the fan letters are a big reason why

[01:09:40]
We're doing this right now

[01:09:42]
so, um

[01:09:43]
Yeah, it's been great to get to be back. Um, we're going to take a little bit of a break

[01:09:48]
So this is the last episode of the season as mentioned on the first two episodes of the season and I think loosely last episode

[01:09:56]
These seasons are kind of these compact like little

[01:09:59]
booster pack of like anywhere between four and seven episodes

[01:10:04]
We are going to take a little bit of time off so that james can play metal gear solid three

[01:10:08]
Um, and so that we can all play metal gear solid peace walker and put in the correct amount of research and time

[01:10:15]
We may even end up playing co-op peace walker together. Um, I know, um our good friend david

[01:10:21]
Lydons lightens lydons

[01:10:24]
Lighten

[01:10:26]
He uh, he added me on psn. Um, so if you guys want to add me i'm at ac summerfield on psn

[01:10:31]
No pressure to anybody else on the panel, but if you want to add me and play some peace walker or something just let me know

[01:10:36]
um

[01:10:37]
Yeah, um, we're excited. Um, we're gonna start recording that peace walker season probably last week of june

[01:10:43]
And by the time those are all recorded and ready for release. It'll be probably about mid july

[01:10:48]
Let's say july 13th roughly maybe a little bit later

[01:10:51]
If you want those episodes early

[01:10:56]
You can contribute up to you can contribute minimum of five dollars a month on patreon and actually get the whole season

[01:11:01]
As the episodes are finished editing if you just want to listen to the first episode of the season

[01:11:07]
Way in advance which since it's the first thing we're recording you'll probably get it

[01:11:11]
Either before the end of june or as soon as july starts probably before july the fourth

[01:11:15]
Um, you can kick in two dollars a month on patreon

[01:11:18]
Um, and there's a lot of really cool prizes for anybody else if you kick in ten dollars up

[01:11:23]
We'll read a message 150 words or less of yours on the show

[01:11:28]
And there's also a tier if you want to be a guest on the show

[01:11:31]
So if you want to be a guest and jump on here and have fun with all of us

[01:11:35]
There is a tier for that on the patreon. Um, so for any of that information go to patreon.com slash middle gear mondays

[01:11:41]
Again, we've hit our

[01:11:43]
Amount to cover the hosting and then some so we're really excited

[01:11:47]
If you guys want us to start sort of twitch streaming once or twice a month

[01:11:52]
Metal gear games with all of us friends or maybe even this fucking peace walker playthrough

[01:11:57]
Um try and get us up to 100 bucks a month and we'll make sure that we start that up

[01:12:01]
We're a quarter of the way there. So all of your contributions will help

[01:12:05]
Um, I loved having you guys on this season and I had a lot of fun and thank you guys for putting up with my

[01:12:11]
Like family emergency rescheduling and people getting sick and all that stuff. So I just wanted to say thanks

[01:12:17]
Isaac was awesome to have you on james sam all you guys never again

[01:12:27]
Uh

[01:12:30]
Yeah, james, what was it like being on your first like full stint?

[01:12:36]
Uh, you know, I think uh, you know, I guess we'll let the people decide. I don't know. I liked it. Oh damn

[01:12:44]
I like you guys james versus the people. Hey sam isaac. Uh, james can't hear me right now. Um, sam isaac. Do you think we should keep this guy around?

[01:12:54]
um

[01:12:55]
I think

[01:12:57]
We'll we'll take an under advisement. Okay. You guys just text me after this. Okay

[01:13:03]
Okay, all right

[01:13:05]
Well, cool. Yeah, thanks for being on james. Where can people find you? Where can people find you online?

[01:13:10]
Uh, yeah, check me out since you won't be on this show anymore

[01:13:13]
Yeah, yeah, no, so so check me out uh at james right mef on twitter and also check out uh

[01:13:20]
I'm producing a little video game called newer with my buddy tj hughes who owns a company called terrifying jellyfish. So experimental

[01:13:28]
Uh, play with your food type game that you really got a seed. I understand so check that out. It's nor and oh you are

[01:13:35]
Love it. Great game. I had a fun time playing that on a dj tech tools midi fighter

[01:13:41]
hell yeah

[01:13:43]
Yeah, isaac

[01:13:45]
Where can people find you or where do you want to send people? What do you want to do with these people? Um

[01:13:50]
so

[01:13:52]
Last episode I told everybody to shove off

[01:13:56]
This episode I want everybody to shove out come on in

[01:14:03]
Talk to me. Tell me what you want. Tell me your deepest darkest secrets

[01:14:10]
Hit me up at at doesn't have a twitter

[01:14:13]
That's uh twitter. I don't have email

[01:14:19]
Yeah, it's it's difficult

[01:14:21]
I have to like manually mail letters

[01:14:24]
But I want to hear your thoughts about the world that we live in

[01:14:29]
Isaac only communicates via twitter and carrier vision, which arguably is the original twitter

[01:14:35]
They let me sign up without an email. So that's the way it goes, you know

[01:14:40]
You just have to write you have to write a letter to john twitter himself

[01:14:48]
Very nice, uh sam where can people find you?

[01:14:51]
Um people can find me on twitter at sandal s a n j u u l

[01:14:56]
Um, you find me there and I'll tell you about other stuff. Um, you can also find me on uh fanfiction.net

[01:15:03]
Fucking of course. I'm kidding. Never gonna never never again. That's going right back in the vault

[01:15:08]
So

[01:15:09]
Fuckers

[01:15:11]
Wow, I love it. Um

[01:15:13]
Yeah, and you can you guys can find me at ac sommerfield on twitter

[01:15:16]
Um, I need to update my website, which I'm going to hopefully get to before this web this podcast is up

[01:15:21]
So you guys can go to the aforementioned kotaku blog or check out any of the film work that james and I have produced or whatever

[01:15:28]
And that's ac sommerfield.com

[01:15:31]
Um, and yeah

[01:15:33]
I am going to slowly work on emailing a couple like special guests for some like unscheduled special episodes

[01:15:39]
I know me sam and james have a real soft spot for a certain naky jakey off of youtube

[01:15:46]
So we might have dog bless. Yeah dog bless

[01:15:49]
Um, however, if you guys have any suggestions and please don't fucking at me about

[01:15:54]
You do but hate her on the show. Yeah, we get it

[01:15:57]
That that's a that's a thought that's crossed our mind at some point

[01:16:00]
Also, like I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna go ahead and like say like no kojima suggestions like of course

[01:16:08]
um

[01:16:09]
Key for sutherland's probably not gonna happen

[01:16:11]
But I'll try but yeah, if there's if there's any we could like maybe we could maybe

[01:16:17]
Maybe get david hater dude. I feel like we've been trying but that's fine. We'll think but I tweeted out of one time

[01:16:22]
But he never answered. Yeah. Anyway, if you guys have suggestions for some like metal gear community people

[01:16:27]
or if there's anybody listening to this who's like

[01:16:30]
Been like a freelance artist on a metal gear game 17 years ago. I want to talk to you. Let's do it

[01:16:37]
Um, so we might have these like mid season weird interstitials if we can find somebody and if schedules just aren't

[01:16:44]
Available or what have you we may even do like partial cast talking to somebody

[01:16:47]
So we'll figure it out, but just keep an ear out things aren't dead

[01:16:52]
Um, also if you're a patreon backer, there are some unannounced

[01:16:55]
Rewards from time to time so me and sam just recorded a bunch of promos for metal gear monday's and for a plug on

[01:17:01]
His friend's podcast. Um, and so you got to have that whole murder murder such

[01:17:06]
Sorry, you get to have that whole 30 minute recording session and it's funny on patreon. So you should do that

[01:17:11]
Anyway, i'm rambling. So let's do I had like a weird existential existential crisis at the beginning of it

[01:17:17]
Oh, yeah, totally about like the identity of the show. It was real. It was real interesting. Yeah about tonality. Um, but yeah

[01:17:23]
It's great. Um

[01:17:26]
I'm starting to run out of these things to say so

[01:17:31]
I am going to

[01:17:36]
Let me think i'm gonna try and say this backwards you guys. Let me see if I can do this

[01:17:41]
Oh, shit

[01:17:43]
Do it. All right, uh, yep. Yeah, yes. Yeah

[01:17:47]
And i'm gonna try to i'm gonna i'm gonna reverse that in the edit so that we can hear if I got it right

[01:17:55]
Say hey bass

[01:17:58]
So it'll be well, hold on. Let me let me let me see. Hold on a second. Um

[01:18:03]
Let me see if I can do it

[01:18:06]
Crop I want to try it

[01:18:08]
Uh

[01:18:11]
I

[01:18:17]
See that's the problem is like I just realized so if you're you're trying to do it phonetically

[01:18:20]
You're gonna go zyab, but if you're doing it based on how it sounds like linguistically it's box. So it'd be like suck

[01:18:27]
suck

[01:18:28]
It'd be like a weird like

[01:18:30]
Gzab gzab

[01:18:31]
Well, I mean it's like was like how like xof and soft, right? Yeah, it's like

[01:18:35]
Zab at this

[01:18:39]
Zab at this still

[01:18:42]
Fuck it. Well, just we're gonna we're gonna rewind all this stuff. I might slip in the chip monks. It's just a box

[01:18:47]
It is just a box

[01:19:05]
You

[01:19:20]
Oh