5 Things You Can Do To Move Forward With or Without Support

Ready for a life-changing conversation? I'm Erin Anderson, and in this compelling dialogue, we'll tackle how to defy the expectations of others, stand up for what we truly want, and not let fear deter us from our dreams. We'll dissect the critical difference between expectation and intention, guiding you on how to navigate these waters to prevent disappointments and ultimately live the life you deserve.

Let's dive right into the nitty-gritty of understanding our true selves, clearing the fog around our desires, and the significance of nurturing positive self-talk. We'll delve into crafting clarity in our interactions and cross-examine how to juxtapose expectations against intentions. The importance of fighting for our rights and embracing autonomy is paramount, it's a game-changer that can alter the course of our lives for the better.

We'll also venture into the realm of self-image, decision-making, commitment, and setting boundaries. Learn how staying true to your commitments can elevate your confidence and hone your organizational skills. Unearth how self-accountability can assist you in steering through challenging dialogues and realize how prioritizing your commitments can set you on the path to accomplishing your objectives. And, to keep this enlightening conversation going, I warmly invite you to join my free Facebook group and Instagram page for a treasure trove of resources, engaging discussions, and a supportive community. Let's embark on this empowering journey together!

For the Powerful and Profitable Trauma Informed Coach 5 Day Challenge, click on this link to join the challenge: https://www.kushlachadwick.com/5day-powerfulandprofitable

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:03

Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching. I am super excited that you tuned in today. Let's keep talking about how to heal from B-Trail Trauma. Welcome to the other side of the struggle. This is a podcast where we talk about trauma, how to heal it and then how to take it and use it to unlock your mission and your potential and to use it to live your very best dream life. When you're dealing with B-Trail Trauma, it can be hard to know how to heal it, how to stop the pain and to know what your next steps are to take in your own life, and these are the questions that we try to answer here. Trauma has the ability to rob us of our joy and identity, which is why it's so miserable to experience. But with the right tools and with the right mindset, we can totally reclaim that joy and even use this trauma to strengthen ourselves, so that way, trauma does not knock us off of our joy again. Living your dream life should be a non-negotiable, but trauma tends to try to negotiate that with you and even though trauma is not something that we will completely ever be free of in our life, the pain is negotiable. This is why I created Aaron Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching and this podcast is because I want my listeners, I want my clients, to live, truly live, free from the prison that trauma can put you in. I want you to live on the other side of the struggle. Hey, everyone, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle. Okay, you guys.

Speaker 1: 3:43

So I have really again been praying and considering what it is I really want to share with you guys. Today and last week we talked about what to do if how you doesn't support you, and this week I really wanted to talk about how to overcome the fear of standing up for yourself or basically just becoming immune to the expectations of others. And now, as you guys know, expectation versus intention I mean we're talking first adversary and first pillars, right? If you've been following me a little bit, you've heard me talk about my seven pillars and seven adversaries, and I probably actually do need to do a podcast on that. If you guys would like me to talk about the seven pillars and the seven adversaries, let me know. I can do a couple podcasts on that, because that will take me at least two podcasts to get through. But anyway, you know let's not chase the squirrel here, but basically I really, as I've been considering like the idea of having difficult conversations, standing for what we want without fear and just straight up saying, hey, this is what I'm going to do, and you can support me or you can't, but either way I'm just going to go do it.

Speaker 1: 5:18

That might sound really number one disrespectful and really terrifying to some of you, and I don't want it to be that way. Now, remember, you know, if you're dealing with a jalapeno, okay, and if this is your first podcast, go back and listen to the previous one. You'll understand when I'm talking about, when I talk about the jalapeno, right. But if you're dealing with a jalapeno, you're going to want to approach situations very differently from what I'm telling you today, because if your life is in any way in danger, if you're in danger of being physically hurt or completely broken in some way, really the best thing you can do is just to completely distance yourself from that person, and it's the best thing for both of you. It truly is. So there's that, okay, instead of telling a physically abusive person that you're just going to do whatever that you want to, without telling them or not telling them like you're just going to do what you would need to do without their support or without their consent, even though you know it's the right thing, that can lead to some really physical problems, and so in that case, that's where you just do it. You don't say anything, you just have to move forward and do it, take some really considerate steps about, like, how are you gonna make sure your safety is intact in every single situation? You know, possibly talking with a police officer or someone who knows how to get you out of that situation is going to be really helpful, okay.

Speaker 1: 7:31

So but the women I coach I'll be honest, they're not women coming from that situation. If I talk with a woman that is coming from an abusive situation or she's in the abusive situation, I don't offer coaching to them. What they need, first and foremost, is to get out of that situation and get themselves in a safe place where they can process the trauma. I would definitely talk to a therapist or psychologist in that case. But if you are in that situation and you find that anything I am saying is helpful, please take that. Run with that, okay, but I genuinely just want your safety first and foremost, okay. So I just wanna get that out of the way before I move on. But for everyone else who is here, because they are just really ready for a change and they feel like you know their husband or someone is just standing in their way, they're not going to comply, or something is just not there in order for you to make your next move, and the move you know is correct, I've got five things for you guys to consider and to think about so that way you can move forward okay, with confidence, no matter whether or not you're being supported. It'll give you just that extra fortification in order to do the things you know you need to do, okay.

Speaker 1: 11:42

So, number one let's talk first and foremost about expectation versus intention. Okay, expectations. This is truly the quickest route to disappointment. When we're doing the expectation thing, we are literally putting a goal in place and expecting someone else to achieve it, because we believe somehow, like it's not that that's a bad thing, it's just somehow we believe that they're solely responsible for the result. So, for example, you know, when I was going through my healing process with my mom and my grandma and my husband, right, I believed that they had to change before I could ever be happy. Or I believed I would have to leave all the relationships before I could ever be happy, because I was blaming everything on them and I'm not saying what they did is okay and, you know, bless their hearts. Like I said, I've got a great relationship with them now because of the work we've done together, right, but the truth of the matter is because of that expectation that I held that they had to change before I could be happy, it kept me stuck in an unhappiness cycle for a really long time, longer than it really needed to be. I'll tell you that much. Okay. However, when I got intentional that was, me making a decision to do something about my situation I decided to heal, but that meant that I needed to get really, really clear on what healing looked like.

Speaker 1: 13:35

Okay, and getting intentional really is that whole number one getting clear with what it is you want. You can say I want my husband to stop the pornography addiction. You can say I want my mom to respect me. You can say that I would love to have a better conversation or a better relationship with my mom. Right, those are all fine and dandy, but actually the last one is really good I would love to have. This is where we get good, good relationships. You get clear on what it is we truly want.

Speaker 1: 14:18

Why do you want your husband to stop the addiction? Can you actually put that into words, you know? If you say, well, yeah, it's cause it hurts me, right, get deeper. What are you missing out on that you feel his addiction is in the way of? For me, I was missing out on being cherished. So I could say that I want to be cherished, I want romance. I want deep, connected conversations and time with him where I'm the only thing on his mind and our relationship I want to create with him.

Speaker 1: 15:05

See, when you talk about, like, what is what this addiction is in the way of, okay, it'll help you get clear, really crystal clear, on what it is you want, that you feel like you're not getting right now. The other thing you can do to get clear with what you want is to actually talk about the things you don't want. I don't want to be talked to like that. Well, if we flip that, we can say I want a respectful, loving conversation where I feel heard and understood. That's crystal clear. So the more clear we get with what it is we truly do want, that's one step of helping us become immune to the expectations of other people, because we can instead of just being blown in the wind by other people's expectations and thinking, oh well, they want me to do this, so I better do it If I want any piece, if I want blah, blah, blah, we can measure what their expectation is to what it is we truly want. If it's something that truly is in alignment with our intentions, then we can probably move forward with it.

Speaker 1: 16:30

But if we're just doing it because we think that's what a good wife does, that's not good enough. You've got to clearly define what is a good wife. A good wife is not someone who is stepped on. She is not a doormat. She is not Somebody to not be seen. She's not a maid, she's not a Servant, she's not a therapist. She is the lighthouse, and that means sometimes Standing up for truth. So if you don't understand, like, what is the truth, that is really, really important to get clear on. What does it mean to be a good wife to me? Of course I'm gonna love my husband. I'm gonna be kind and respectful in our discussions.

Speaker 1: 17:32

If I notice that I am out of out of linement or if there's something wrong in the way that I have been showing up or thinking, I own it and I change it. But also, at the same time too, if my husband is in any way being disrespectful, and I like, let me just clarify I know for a fact my husband does not ever intend to be disrespectful. Sometimes people just don't think about what they say. But Just because it came out wrong Doesn't make it less disrespectful, and so my job in that moment is hmm, that did not happen. That moment is, hmm, that did not sound very good, that sounded really disrespectful, and I'm sure that's not what you meant. So do you want to clarify for me, right, then?

Speaker 1: 18:26

Another thing about being a good wife is I don't let him talk down to himself. If he starts talking down to himself, I kick him in the pants and I say uh-uh, you don't get to talk about my husband like that. I would not allow anyone else to talk about my husband that way. What makes you think I'm gonna let you do it? I stand up for him From himself sometimes, but I also believe that being a good wife is allowing them to make mistakes to a point. Okay. Now, like I said, anything that makes you feel like you're not being cherished, that's a no-go. But if they leave the toilet seat up right and Somebody makes a mess because the toilet seat gets left up, well, then they get to clean that up right. I'm talking about, you know, still letting them have some autonomy. Let some autonomy over themselves, because they are the king of their life and you are a player in it, but be an influential one. That's what I mean.

Speaker 1: 19:41

And Once we get clear on who we are, what it is we want, we can also kind of get clear on what it is we're here to do and Then what our intentions are. What do we really intend to do in this life? What do we want? What do we want to create? And the cool thing about getting clear with what it is we want, we get to start communicating that. You know, I Want to be cherished by you. I want to create a life with you. Creating a life looks like this I want to be a good wife to you, but to me, this is what a good wife is. I Want to be a good mother. This is what a good mom is. I Want to support you, but I would love to be supported in return to you. And that's what this looks like the clear we get, the clear we are in our communication and the clear communication we have the clear we are able to communicate what it is we want and Help them catch the vision of it as well. Oftentimes that shifts them out of expectation and into intention itself, simply because they realize, oh actually, yeah, I can see how that makes sense.

Speaker 1: 21:14

Okay, number two clean up your own self-talk. A Lot of the women that come to me that tell me that their husbands Won't support them financially or he's kind of a bit of the medium, right, um, I Also here, within their language, just some really Sad self-talk. I don't want to say it's Bad, but it is very sad self-talk. Okay, um, and again, this kind of comes back to the clarity thing, right, getting clear on who you are. It's really helpful because you get to a point where you don't allow people to Speak down to you or to make you think something other than what you know to be true. This is kind of where we get into the gaslighting, right. It's when we allow other people to do our thinking for us. We allow them to tell us what to believe about ourselves, and so we kind of tend to reflect that in our self-talk. We tend to let them make decisions for us. When they say no, you cannot go hill and you know for a fact that that's important, then you kind of tend to Let people make decisions for you. So when you don't have good self-talk or a good self-image, people come in and make decisions for you. It's actually something I've seen consistently across the board.

Speaker 1: 23:07

People that really, really struggle with their self-image are also people that struggle with Other people making decisions for them in their lives that they feel bound by for some reason and they feel a slave to. To give you an example, I had a client and this is one of the things we were working on with him was his self-talk, and you know he was heavily into pornography and he didn't like it. He didn't like what it was doing to his wife and his kids. But for the longest time, every single time we'd get on the call together, he would sit there and tell me what a horrible person he was, how she should just leave him, how he's like the scum of the earth, he's the worst person ever. And then, in the very next breath, he talked about how nobody sees him, how he just has to do stuff no matter what, how he's not appreciated in his job, how things just get thrown on him whether he is or is not okay with it. And so, once we started cleaning up the self-talk, what I noticed was he was able to make more decisions in his life that benefited him. He didn't. He was no longer stuck, I should say, by someone else and their decisions for him that he had to do.

Speaker 1: 24:41

Okay, cleaning up your self-talk, cleaning up your self-image. This is major, because it's really really hard to say you're going to do something with someone, like no matter what, and that you're just informing them so they're not caught off guard. You're just this is the direction we're headed. When you are allowing someone else to do that, you're thinking for you and tell you what to believe and tell you what is and is not true and what you can and cannot do. Okay. So, cleaning up your self-talk, clean up your self-image.

Speaker 1: 25:29

Number three make and keep commitments to yourself. If you really, really really want to clean up your self-image this is primo. This is crazy important make sure you are keeping commitments to yourself. People that tend to have a low self-image and not great self-talk and not great self-care also struggle to make and keep commitments to themselves. Okay, so this is where you start making promises to yourself and you keep those promises. Okay, now, that might sound terrifying in and of itself, right, but it can be small. So, if you promise yourself that you're going to do a morning routine, get up and do it. Forgive yourself quickly, but also keep yourself accountable. People who make and keep commitments to themselves are people who are accountable to themselves. If you want your spouse to be accountable to themselves and make some changes, be accountable to yourself too. This is like one of the most powerful things, one of the most influential things you can do to change things in your home right now. Okay, make and keep commitments to yourself. This is insanely important. This teaches you to trust yourself. This teaches you to trust your decisions. This teaches you to forgive yourself very quickly. This teaches you to become more organized. This teaches you to be the influencer, like I just said, and people who have. It really brings up your confidence. If you know that you're true to your word, to yourself, no matter what. It is going to help you be that much stronger in any conversation, in any situation, and it's going to give you just that oomph in a difficult conversation that you might have to have if you are needing support from someone. Okay. So, for an example, okay For me, you know, I've been, like I said, up leveling this business.

Speaker 1: 28:00

I'm creating six figures right now, or a six-figure business, and one of the things that became abundantly clear to me is, if I really really want the six-figure business, then I need to make sure that I'm keeping time commitments Okay, and what that means is I need to make sure that I am spending time with God every single day. He is my primo, he is my number one, he is the most important person in my life because he's gotten me this far. He has given me everything, and for that, to me personally, he deserves the first moment of my time. The minute my feet hit the floor, I want to go spend time with him, and so I've been making some really, really deep commitments to my time recently that I'm going to get up, I'm going to go study my scriptures, I'm going to pray, because if I want this six figure business, then I need to make sure that I'm honoring him in my day somewhere. First thing, I honor the times where I need to show up and be a mom.

Speaker 1: 29:34

You know, from seven to eight in the morning, my kids are getting ready for school. They're heading out the door and that's mom mode. Right, that's when I'm on mom mode. Nothing else is important, I'm not doing anything else at that time, and so that's me honoring that commitment. And then, from nine to noon, I'm in business mode. From noon to about two, I am taking a break. I do lunch, we go for me and my little girl go for a walk. That's a new commitment I'm making for myself. And after 530, I'm back to being mom again and I don't do anything with my business.

Speaker 1: 30:27

And the thing is is this is new, because this is not something that actually comes natural to me. I don't do well with a lot of spontaneity in my life and I don't do well with a lot of chaos. I really really need the structure and I really really need the predictability in my day for me to thrive in any way, shape or form, and so I know this. But I struggle to set time commitments, sometimes with myself, and so I made the decision that that was no longer going to be a problem for me, that I am going to do what I say I'm going to do and I'm going to keep my word to myself, and that one thing has given me more and more and more confidence this week alone, and I was already pretty confident before, but now I really really am even feeling it just that much deeper, okay. So, whatever the commitment is, if you tell yourself that you're going to do something, do it, okay.

Speaker 1: 31:43

Number four set powerful but loving boundaries. Now you guys have heard me talk about boundaries on this podcast before. They're primo. They're really important. You've got your physical boundary, your talking boundary, your listening boundary, which is your number one, your sexual boundary, your energetic boundary, your time boundary and your money boundary right. You have to consider what you want in each one of those areas. What do you want physically? What do you want Like, how do you want people to listen to you? How do you want people, how do you want to talk with people? How do you want conversations to go? How do you want your love life to go? How do you want your energy, your space around you to feel? How do you want your time and your money to show up for you? These are all things that we really need to consider and set boundaries around right, kind of like with you.

Speaker 1: 32:43

Just what you heard me say making a commitment to my time in a very different way is going to help shift other things in my favor, right? Remember that it is important to hear what this other person wants, right? If they don't want you taking the program, or if they don't want you moving forward, if they don't want you healing, if they don't want you paying for something, you need to ask them why. What is the reason for this? You've got to give me some reason that makes sense to me. If you don't want me to move forward with this, okay. Set those powerful and loving boundaries. Make sure this is a win-win, okay. Now, if the other person decides to rock the boat, that is them losing. These are really, really key in order for you to, like I said, if you remember, keep your space safe. Oh my gosh, you guys. Alliteration it's a killer, I'm telling you. Anyway, but making sure that you are keeping your space safe is important.

Speaker 1: 34:00

If you're allowing people to trample the garden, guys, you are, in a sense, telling them that they also get to make decisions for you. It is good to consider what the other person wants. It's good to hear them out. It is good to connect with them. It is good to let them feel that you do respect them, that you do consider them, that you do love them, but they don't get to make decisions for you, because, if that's the case, that isn't respectful, that isn't loving, that is allowing them to also stay stuck in the same situation and you staying stuck in the same situation as well.

Speaker 1: 34:49

If you want things to change, definitely listen to them. Make sure you set those boundaries that are firm, that are loving, but also don't get moved. Okay, and remember, boundaries are not consequence. Boundaries are not punishments. I shouldn't say they're not consequences. Sometimes they are, but they're not punishments, okay. They are simply stating with truth and love what it is and what you are and are not okay with, and that you're not going to accept something. Okay.

Speaker 1: 35:29

Last number five consider the consequences. Can you live with them If you want to heal, and you so. Let me give you an example. Actually, let me backtrack here. I had a gal who enrolled in one of my courses. She paid a couple thousand dollars for it, okay, and her husband was not happy and every single time finances were brought up, she got angry with her for spending money on this program, right, and he blamed her for everything that was wrong because she decided to spend money on this program. Can you live with that?

Speaker 1: 36:16

That is a really powerful question, because the thing is is, if you're choosing to not take action to get out, then you're also choosing to and I should say, get out of the situation that you're in, to make a difference, to make a difference in your life, to actually go for the things that you want, to have the life you want. If you're choosing that, you're also going to choose probably sometimes having to set some boundaries and letting people know that they don't get to talk to you like that, thank you, and just reminding them that had they been honorable in the marriage or honorable in the relationship in the first place, then you wouldn't have had to take this action, right? Or you can simply just say well, that's a very interesting perspective, thanks for sharing. I'm still going to do what I'm going to do, okay, but if you choose not to get that program, if you choose not to get that therapy, if you choose not to move forward with the thing that you really want and know you need to do, because you're afraid of what someone is going to say and how they're going to possibly demean you for it, you're choosing to also stay stuck much longer than what you need to stay stuck. You've got to weigh these consequences, okay, for each decision you make. Are you okay with the consequences? Can you live with them? Can you accept them? These are really really powerful things to consider. Now, granted, if you've got really good boundaries, if you're working on that self care, you're working on that self talk and the way you show up for yourself, you're working on keeping your commitments with yourself and you're working on getting clear, chances are when somebody comes to you and tries to make you feel bad about making a decision that you know was the right decision and that happens, you'll also know how to respond. So I hope that this is powerful. Just one more time to go over them. Get clear with what it is you want, clean up your self talk and your self image. Number three making keep commitments to yourself or set powerful but loving boundaries. And five consider the consequences. Can you live with them? All right, my loves. I hope that this was helpful to you.

Speaker 1: 39:02

If you guys have questions, if there's anything you would personally love me to address on this podcast for you, I would love to hear your thoughts. I'm going to be also talking a bit more recently about, like, how you can use the pillars as well to help build a business, help your financial situation, because I also really feel like this message can also be targeted very well for business owners, and it'll help you guys who are not business owners as well, because it'll help you, hopefully, become more financially independent. So I'm going to be taking the podcast in that direction as well, just to let you guys know. But we'll still be talking about healing from trauma. So with that, my loves, I will see you guys next week, where we are actually going to be talking about trauma or, I should say, creating money, ways to create more money, with a fabulous guest speaker. She's become a very fast friend to me and I can't wait to introduce her to you next week and then, I think, the next two weeks. After that, we will talk about the pillars. Okay, my loves, from my heart to your heart. I'll see you on the other side. Bye, guys.

Speaker 1: 40:32

Okay, so I've got a question for you. Have you joined my free Facebook group or Instagram page yet? If you haven't, go and do that, and this is the reason why I always post my freebies, updated information and all kinds of goodies for my community in that page. I'm also really active. I post videos, I answer questions. So if you guys really really want to get in and interact with me, go like me on Facebook.

Speaker 1: 41:08

Go join my group the other side of the struggle healing from betrayal trauma. Come find me on Instagram, aaron Anderson, betrayal trauma coach, and come follow me, because I always have something good there just for you, my audience, and I love connecting with you there. I also post anytime that I have groups going on. I talk sometimes about my programs. So if you guys are interested in working with me or even just following me and getting as much free content as you possibly can, go hang out in my group. Go connect with the ladies that are there. Also, come and join Immune and Unashamed for those married couples that are following me, because in that group, me and my business partner, kyson Kidd, are also talking and offering some great content.