Cooling the Jalapeno with Marquel Brown

Our guest for this episode is the courageous Marquel Brown, whose journey to heal from Betrayal Trauma and navigate a challenging relationship is a beacon of light for many. Listen in as Marquel unravels her story of betrayal, pain and how she found solace in Christ. The wisdom she imparts about setting personal boundaries to protect your peace is invaluable. 

We also bravely delve into the topic of domestic abuse, a difficult but necessary conversation to have. Marquel’s personal insights and journey towards healing serve as a roadmap for those who might be facing similar circumstances. We stress the importance of seeking help, practicing self-care, and staying grounded in one's faith even when resources may seem scarce. 

In our discussion about faith in tough times, we delve deep into the effects of domestic violence on individuals and relationships. The significance of maintaining a connection with God and finding miracles amidst hardships resonates throughout our conversation. We also talk about recognizing signs of potential volatility in a relationship and how to create safety measures. This episode is all about resilience, recovery, and redemption and we hope it serves as a guide to those navigating similar circumstances. Join us to hear Marquel’s remarkable story and don't forget to connect with us on our social media platforms for more engaging content.

For the Powerful and Profitable Trauma Informed Coach 5 Day Challenge, click on this link to join the challenge: https://www.kushlachadwick.com/5day-powerfulandprofitable

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:03

Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching. I am super excited that you tuned in today. Let's keep talking about how to heal from B-Trail Trauma. Welcome to the other side of the struggle. This is a podcast where we talk about trauma, how to heal it and then how to take it and use it to unlock your mission and your potential and to use it to live your very best dream life. When you're dealing with B-Trail Trauma, it can be hard to know how to heal it, how to stop the pain and to know what your next steps are to take in your own life, and these are the questions that we try to answer here. Trauma has the ability to rob us of our joy and identity, which is why it's so miserable to experience. But with the right tools and with the right mindset, we can totally reclaim that joy and even use this trauma to strengthen ourselves, so that way, trauma does not knock us off of our joy again. Living your dream life should be a non-negotiable, but trauma tends to try to negotiate that with you and even though trauma is not something that we will completely ever be free of in our life, the pain is negotiable. This is why I created Aaron Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching and this podcast is because I want my listeners, I want my clients, to live truly live, free from the prison that trauma can put you in. I want you to live on the other side of the struggle.

Speaker 1: 3:33

Welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle, and we have with us today a fabulous guest. Markel Brown and I have become recent but really good friends and I've listened to her story and what she's trying to do as well, and I'm not going to spoil any of it for you guys, because I know Markel can definitely tell it way better than I can. But she's here to help B-Trail Trauma victims. She herself has experienced B-Trail Trauma, but she is not just a survivor, she's a thriver from it. She's found some beautiful, beautiful ways to heal and, as you guys have seen from the title of this podcast, she's went from being in the jalapeno relationship to moving it down into a much more cooling position. And so I'm going to kind of step aside today, I'm going to let her kind of share her story and obviously give you guys some content and some discussion, because I really feel like Markel is going to give you guys just a fantastic episode today, so welcome Markel.

Speaker 2: 4:51

Thank you, erin. It's a pleasure to be here with you and, although my story is pretty horrific, I really am excited about this work helping women who have gone through B-Trail Trauma and providing them hope that they can heal and recover and they can regain that spark of life and go from that victim to survivor, into thriver.

Speaker 1: 5:17

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And from thriving to confidence and believing in yourself and loving yourself to the point where you set really good boundaries, no matter what. And people have heard me on this podcast talk about the jalapeno right and how I'm like, most of the time when you get into the in a relationship with a jalapeno right, most of the time those women end up leaving that relationship and I'm not saying and I still won't say you know that you guys need to stay in that relationship right, because to me I really feel like personal safety is key and we don't want people to consistently be injured from, you know, the jalapeno in a physical way, but your story is a very different one.

Speaker 2: 6:16

Yeah, and you know I really like that word, jalapeno, because that's what it felt like Everything was always on fire and it seemed like everything that I would do just didn't make a difference. It didn't help. You know, cleaning the house and having that perfect, having dinners ready, you know, making sure the kids are all set, and so actually it has been just right at 10 years since my D-Day, which mine did involve domestic violence and it was horrible and it still brings heaviness, although I can talk about it and I don't really need to go into any of the specifics. And I also want to share that I really haven't talked about this a whole lot with very many people my therapist, my bishop. I've shared it with you. I've shared it with a few people because most of the time when people are involved in domestic violence, there's a lot of shame given towards the abuser and as well as the victim In the regards of the abuser.

Speaker 2: 7:31

I knew that when all of this happened, that I wanted to save my marriage, I wanted to save my family.

Speaker 2: 7:41

I had no idea in that moment how that was possible, and what I have learned over these past years is that when we do yoke with Christ, when we utilize the Atonement of Jesus Christ, all things can be possible, even the impossible, even when we don't see any way out or how is it ever going to improve?

Speaker 2: 8:05

And that is my message of hope is that if we can yoke with Christ, we really can overcome those seemingly impossible things. And it was a very, very long journey and I was definitely shattered and broken and I was physically injured, I was physically abused and I was severely injured, and that in itself, when you have the betrayal anyway, where the one that you love turns on you or does something that is totally out of alignment of their values and your own values, and I have no clue with that. So, whether it's domestic violence or pornography or somebody having an affair, most people have no clue with how to move forward and with the physical injury that magnified everything. Because even if I was trying to work on my mental and my thoughts, and that physical pain was such a constant reminder, actually for years, for me, yeah, so here's my question then for you, because you know, you and I have both chatted about this a little bit before, you know.

Speaker 1: 9:23

so when somebody is dealing with like this is such a very, very close line, you know to walk how do you know, like with when you're dealing with with the jalapeno and you've dealt with that physical violence right, how do you like, how do you tell someone to stay in the marriage and keep going when that's happened?

Speaker 2: 9:47

Well, I'm a bit stubborn because I didn't know what to do and I had my whole family and I wouldn't recommend this, although I know it happens probably more often than most people are aware of. I tried to navigate it myself, for I think it was about nine or 10 months and then things started escalating and ramping up and ramping up, and ramping up again and I was like whoa, I've got to have help, I can't do this again. I can't be heard again for one thing. And I still was trying to heal from previous injury and so I did reach out. And that, of course, opens up a whole other can of worms. And I will say, when I and we finally found a therapist because I did say to my husband, we have got to get some help, it's not getting better I did find a therapist and we have to be really careful with who you get for your therapist, because this was not a good match for betrayal trauma and in fact I found myself again the therapist, saying you know, you're just going to have to get over it, you know, you're just going to have to forgive him. And he had her wrapped around his, her little finger. He I was just like, okay, really, and so then I felt like, okay, we need the therapy. I've got my husband to therapy and this is not a good situation and it was a lot of prayer, a lot of prayer and guidance, and I think the Lord just put things in my path that led me to a therapist that really knew about betrayal, trauma and going back to that safety keys. He really had to work hard on me not saying anything, walking away, being aware of my husband's body language and cues when he would come home or if I was trying to talk with him, because there was a lot of gaslighting and stone walling where he I would ask, and he would pretend like he didn't hear me or ignore me, or he looked the other way, or he would totally go into gaslighting and turn it back on me.

Speaker 2: 12:14

Whatever it was, and that took probably quite a few months for me to stop, walk away and then learning how to use those self care tools, because I was one of those moms you just give, give, give, give, give, give, give, give right, and I did do things. You know I'm into music and I have animals and I like to go outside, but a lot of times it was just really a lot with my kids or working or doing household things. So learning that self care and learning the boundary to keep me safe because my therapist knew that I was still in danger because my husband was so volatile he just was not good at regulating his emotions and everything was my fault. And so my learning to walk away, even leave the house if I needed, took a lot of practice and a lot of self mastery on my own part, a lot of working on regulating myself and knowing that I can only control me as much as I really wanted to. You know, have him be different.

Speaker 2: 13:31

And again, before this all happened, before everything that led up to that day, I was trying to do everything, you know, even like sacrifice myself, to make him happy, and nothing happened. Nothing worked is what I'm trying to say because, well, as we all know, the only one that can help us to be happy is our self and turning to God. You know your spouse or your partner cannot make you happy.

Speaker 1: 14:01

Right, yeah, it's true, you can't make decisions for someone else. You can't create happiness for someone else. None of that works. It's absolutely true.

Speaker 1: 14:14

But at the same time too, like if you're sitting in, you know that and you know this because you know we'll be talking with you further, also about, like, healing the nervous system, right, the thing is is we get stuck in the amygdala and the amygdala is telling us that fight, flight, freeze, or fond response, you know, and so we're getting stuck in those in that cycle. And what you're saying here is that's exactly where you were at right In the beginning of this whole situation that fond response where if I walk on eggshells, if I just step in these act right spaces, then he'll stay calm. And this sounds so incredibly familiar for women who are dealing with you know, domestic violence and, to be like full disclosure, I actually don't coach a lot of them, and the reason why is because I personally feel like they need deeper support than what I can give. So, like with um, I like I work a lot with women whose husbands are the mild in the medium Right, but the jalapenos they definitely need support too. So what I'm hearing you say is like number one, like, let's start leaning on Christ. Right, we've really got to lean on Christ to the point where he can tell us whether it's safe to stay or to go Right.

Speaker 1: 15:47

But the second thing is to also get some good support for yourself, right, yes, um, because that support and like and you're not the only one that who I've heard has said like you know, I've gone to a therapist and they told me that she needs to get over it or that was my fault or something. And it's like, who is training these therapists? Like, seriously, why? Why would you say that to a victim? Like why?

Speaker 2: 16:20

Right, right in front of their spouse. So then, right, right, it was my fault. Again, right it was.

Speaker 1: 18:54

Why would you do that why? Anyway, there's a lot of really good therapists out there too, and you've, you've found the good one too.

Speaker 1: 19:03

And so, like it's, it's, it's such a really interesting story and, you know, getting that support, getting the help you need, connecting to your savior, hearing him, is so key. But I also found it really interesting when you said that I needed to leave, when I needed to leave Right, and I'm wondering if that might be one of the keys to know actually if you can stay or to go Like, how was your, how was it leaving? Because I know, like a lot of women who try to leave and say, you know, I need to do a take a break, it's not possible for them to have a penis Right.

Speaker 2: 19:46

And I did run into that trying to leave the house. Probably in the beginning it wouldn't have even been safe for me to try to leave, so it was usually safe for me to go to another room, go outside for a walk in the backyard, and I think one of the hardest so, and I just feel like I'm finally putting even more pieces together over the past six months as I've been learning more, I think, a couple of key things well, there's so many key things with being able to actually put a boundary, with being able to leave, and of course, this was years for us is being able to create safety. You have to have some safe places, some safe people to go to and sadly, when I first started out, I did not have safe people Because they told me all the wrong things. Because, despite that one therapist who this definitely was not her expertise other areas I turn you get the well, you just need to give them more sex, you just need to. You must have done something to make them mad, like no, you're trying to calm down in the moment and so, and anybody that's been in these situations, most women have tried almost everything and I will sadly say, even during some of those earlier years, I would even retaliate and yell back, and that didn't help at all. So I definitely learned well, we don't do that one, because that one's definitely not going to ship. So, and there's so much gaslighting and your self-worth is so shattered and they make it sound like it's all your fault and you're the problem. And they will tell you well, you didn't do that or you know what? You never said that to me or all these things that make you doubt yourself so much. It's creating that safety where you can hear and see and think clearly.

Speaker 2: 22:07

I think that's where support groups are really helpful. You know, groups where you can work on your own processing as well as learn the tools for self-care, rebuilding your self-worth and that self-confidence, remembering who you are and that you know God does love you. He does not expect you to stay in an abusive relationship, and I'm really grateful that we're hearing that more in general conference talks. You know we don't have an abuse and so, although even my therapist was like you know, you need to leave, you need to go somewhere else, there's so much fear around being hurt again and I had little kids at the time and my thought was, although we had never been abusive to the kids or hurting them, it was me. I was like, okay, if I leave them, you know the kids are gonna be there and he's mad, and what if something happened? And then I would feel guilty. And so I had this poll where I did. I was like, how do I leave? And I have all of these kids? I had six children, you know, and how do you get all six out at the same time, you know, without him trying to come between that? And so I was surviving a lot of the times and the other. So there's so many things.

Speaker 2: 23:32

The other thing that I found in the beginning, when everywhere I turned, it was so unsafe and I even had reached out to the therapist and that was absolutely horrible. It's like, wow, I don't even know what to do. I'm reaching out for help and I'm getting all these hurt and all these things and like there was no safety. That was not safe. And so then you again doubt yourself. And so I did turn to Christ because I was like, okay, I don't know how to do this, but I know that, you know that you'll help me.

Speaker 2: 24:13

Thankfully, I had a foundation, you know, and also in my healing, really anchoring to Christ every day with my prayers and my scripture study and reading a conference talk or listening to it journaling, because I felt like that was putting my armor on every day so that I can navigate all the attacks that were coming at me. Because this was just one area and it was like multiple of my communities, my homeschool community. It was like there was a lot of opposition there, you know, even in some arenas of the church community. I was like, wow, I'm trying to do good things and there's just this opposition. So I really felt like I was under intense attack by everything. There wasn't much safety other than what I created myself.

Speaker 2: 25:02

So then, you know, with therapy, what I was learning was if I could keep myself in alignment and in line with my values, keep myself calm in those jalapeno situations and walk away and do my self-care, that definitely he would de-escalate.

Speaker 2: 25:28

Now here we are, 10 years later, and he has done some of his own work and some therapy and group.

Speaker 2: 25:38

When I, if I say you know, if he's getting heated, like you know, I can't talk anymore about this now and I will walk away, he we don't actually have a conversation about this yet he is doing his own work in that time, that we're taking a break, and it's so cool when we come back together that we actually can pick up where we left off and have a better conversation about whatever it was that we were talking about and be able to go forward.

Speaker 2: 26:11

So what I find with the basically just detaching from the contention is that then I don't have to clean up all the messes of the guilt and the shame and, you know, have to heal from all the hurtful words or the blaming you know and I'm not gonna say that I'm perfectly innocent because I've had my own, you know, fiery darts that I'm throwing with my words as well, and then I don't have to feel bad about saying something that I'm like why did I say that in the moment? You know what I mean, yeah, so that's been a beautiful thing here. You know now where we're at, where we can take a break, come back and we can move forward, and so the recovery, you know, can be a few hours instead of like constant spin all the time, for my brain at least.

Speaker 1: 27:04

Yeah, you know, I gotta say you know how, number one kudos to you, but also kudos to your husband, you know, like can I seriously just give him a shout out for just a minute, because you know there is a lot of guilt, there's a lot of shame put on. You know, everybody in these situations which is really kind of sad. And now, granted, we can kind of see too, like if somebody's out there hurting their wives, like that's not good. But here's your husband who literally has done some major work to cool himself down right and he is no longer doing those things. That's huge, you know, that's huge. I mean we're talking like Alma the Younger Solftarist is huge, truly, you know, and like I really want to give him that shout out and give him some respect here, because that is so hard to do and you look at the statistics, it doesn't happen very often. You know, once somebody gets into those mindsets and that anger and is the jalapeno, usually it's very, it's almost impossible for them Like it's not impossible, but it feels impossible for them to move down to the medium and even the mild right. And here your husband has totally done that. But what I'm hearing you say, you know, is it's also largely due to a lot of the work you yourself have done.

Speaker 1: 28:54

And one of the things I talk about with my clients consistently is that, if you like, you can't change another people, another, another people. Wow, where did I learn English? You can't turn. You cannot change another person, right? You cannot tell them what to think, you cannot tell them how to behave, you cannot tell them what to do and you can't make them do anything. You can't.

Speaker 1: 29:16

But when you become influential and you start to heal and you start to grow and you start to change and become the influential person, you influence the change, right. And here you are. You've done like all of these things to change yourself. And we're not talking about in guilt and in shame.

Speaker 1: 29:44

You're saying no, I decided to change myself for me, not because I wanted my husband to do a certain thing, not because I wanted my kids to do a certain thing, not because I was changing to try to manipulate the situation. I was changing for me. I had my back and I think that that is key, especially in this situation, because a lot of times women you know they're like it's all my fault. I got to change, I got to do this because they're in that fond response, right, and it does cause the whole situation to get worse. When you decided to do things for you, to do the self care, to have your own back, even though sometimes it was a little bit shaky and a little bit unstable, you still did it little bit by little bit, staying within that safety realm, right? And you're saying that everything changed, yeah.

Speaker 2: 30:54

Yeah, and I have to add one more thing in there, that it wasn't just about changing me. Really, although I worked so hard to make sure I stayed in alignment with my values, you know, fought to always have the spirit to be with me, and if I didn't, then I needed to walk away and go so I could get regrounded, so I could be filling the spirit again. And the other thing was and this is before President Nelson's think celestial. I would ask okay, wait, why, why, why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep staying here? And I really kept saying because I want to make it to the celestial kingdom. So I had that think celestial there. That's what I was fighting for.

Speaker 2: 31:43

I wanted to save my marriage, I wanted to save my family. I knew that the Lord loved my husband, even though he was in a pretty horrible spot, and I knew he loved me and I believed in the power of the Atonement of Christ and that that can heal all of the things that we're going through. Whatever challenge that is, you know whether it's shifting from that jalapeno volatile to the mild, or whether it's working on being on time, or you know, following through with what you said, I mean we all are working on things, and so I knew he was valued in God's eyes, and I was, and even though I didn't know how to bring us together, that is what I would focus on Christ. I'd focus on Christ, me, and my favorite scripture is I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. And so if my head was just swimming, I would just go on autopilot with that and I'd say that over and over and pretend like I was focusing on Christ, because it was really painful and hurtful and hard. And and then I found a quote that I was like I love this because this is another witness of hope If we can work on ourself, from Elder Christopherson. He said if individually we each put on Christ, then together we can hope to become one. And so I think that when we do focus on Christ and we are doing our work and we are striving to become like Christ and learn of Him and be like Him, that's where we start to see those miracles and we can find that peace in Christ which that peace in Christ song is so beautiful, and we have to not forget.

Speaker 2: 33:43

I see so many not so many, well, maybe I do. I've had some friends, though, who have totally withdrawn and, you know, disconnected from Christ and church and everything, and their lives have just spun out of control and crashed. And so each time when I think, oh, you know, sometimes I was like I just want to do something bad, because everything good I'm doing I'm still having bad things happen. And thankfully I stayed in alignment with my values and I didn't do that because I was like, well, I don't even know what I would do, so I guess I'll just keep trying to do good things right and watching these friends and you know if you think your life is bad when you are doing all the good things and trying to stay close to God. I have watched as people disconnect Many times their life spirals out of control and it's way worse, and so for me too, that was another reminder.

Speaker 2: 34:41

Oh well, they did that. I don't want what happened to them. So I'm going to keep moving forward, keep anchoring into the promises that were told in the scriptures, staying close to God. And then you know, now, you know we're to seek and expect miracles and I, we have permission for that now. And I think in a way I was doing that. I kept going well, you know, these promises are here, but I just keep working on this. I don't know how this is going to happen and come together and what I found with that I come like a little light switch moments. It's like little light switches. It would just flick on because it'd be really bad and we're doing work and working on our recovery, and then a light switch would come on and it's better. And I'm like, well, how did that even happen? Well, that's the miracle right there, right, as we keep doing our work, those tendermers do come yeah they.

Speaker 1: 35:39

Oh, I love that, you know. I want to take it just a little quick pause, because not all of our listeners are Latter-day Saints, right? A lot of our listeners come from other Christianity sects and so when we're talking about like President Nelson and we're talking about general conferences and stuff like that, it's all like Latter-day Saints. Stop, right. So when we're talking about this stuff, it comes from our Latter-day Saint beliefs and stuff. But you can still take so much of what is being said here, whether you're a Latter-day Saint or not, and connect this to your own personal beliefs, because all of our listeners are Christian, right, yes. And when we connect to Christ, that is the greatest thing we can do for ourselves, for our families, for everything else that we're dealing with, and that is where we get the miracles, because this is totally a miracle. It is absolutely a miracle. One of the greatest miracles is seeing massive, quick change in people. That's one of the most beautiful miracles I can think of. It's happened in your home, right? Yes, it has.

Speaker 2: 37:00

I'm so grateful. And you say quick. I guess in my whole lifetime it's quick. Ten years seems like it was so long, Right.

Speaker 1: 37:11

I guess I should definitely edit that comment. I'm thinking Alma, the Younger, solitarist. It was going from completely out to destroy Christianity to being one of the greatest supporters for Christianity, and in just a matter of a few days is all it took for them. Yes, ten years is a long time and I'm not going to suggest that somebody stick around for ten years to see if they're going to be okay in their situations. I'm not suggesting that at all. What I am saying is that the best thing we can do to become the influential, to call upon the miracles is connect to Christ, and I totally agree. Obviously, I've not been through domestic violence. My husband and I, we've definitely had our struggles and everything, but we have not been through that type of problem in our relationship.

Speaker 2: 38:24

However, what we have been through still had me turning towards Christ, you know it was like my life line, and when there was nobody else there even though I was reaching out, I could find that peace and comfort in Christ.

Speaker 1: 38:48

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 38:49

And I was grateful for that.

Speaker 1: 38:51

I love it, so here's my question.

Speaker 2: 38:54

Okay.

Speaker 1: 38:57

Just to kind of wrap things up here, what do you suggest for someone? Because you know, like I said, we're calling this podcast. You know, cooling the jalapeno, right? Yeah? So what would you suggest for someone who is in that situation? You know, how does she know when to stay, how does she know when to go, and what are the things she must do to make sure that she stays safe, no matter what?

Speaker 2: 39:34

Yeah, how to know to stay or go. You gotta stay close to God and you have to make sure you're safe. So if you're seeing signs in your husband that things are safe, okay I can stay. If things are escalating and getting worse and not safe, you've got to go. And whether that's separated until he works on his self to calm down and cool down, or if that's divorce and that's between you, know you, you and God. The other thing lots and lots of self care to rebuild yourself, to rebuild yourself, esteem and your confidence and your worth, and remembering who you are anchoring into your identity and learning to regulate your, your nervous system, which we'll talk about it another time. It's going to be very important with learning to ground yourself, as well as learning that self mastery, that ability to, no matter what is going on, to stay within your values and stay calm and, as me add, to learn to zip my mouth closed and walk away, because then I'm not feeding into the contention, I'm not adding to this whirlwind of emotions. I'm disconnecting in that moment and if you can have a few brief statements, like you know what, I think we need to take a break and talk about this later. Or you could even say I'm not doing very well. Now, if they're like not going to let you walk away, you can always pull out the I've got to go to the bathroom. Most people will not say that you can't go to the bathroom and so then you can calm down in there, have some time away there, have an escape plan ready, you know where, you know your keys and your purse are on your phone and you are able to just grab it and leave if you need. And I find that you have to practice this over and over of what you're going to do in those heated situations so that you have that mental preparation before. So, when it happens, you have your plan, which is your safety plan, to create safety for yourself to walk away, whether it's the bedroom or to go for a walk or to leave the house, so that you are not put in danger under any situation.

Speaker 2: 42:08

Because when you've added in that physical injury it is, it just magnifies everything for healing and recovery at between with yourself and with with your spouse. So, at all costs, keep yourself safe. And I hear women sometimes say if, if he would just hit me, then I'd have an excuse to leave, and I'm an example of I did not leave. So most of the time I don't know most, I don't know what the statistics is, but many women still don't leave. So just because they hit you and you've got a bruise doesn't mean that you're going to leave. So you need to okay safety boundaries and all of these things are processes as you work your own recovery and one of the non negotiables is you know, no violence and that's that's like a deal breaker, and I even know that for myself when I say that. And you have to create safety at all costs, avoid any situation of physical injury at all costs.

Speaker 1: 43:20

Yes, I agree, and you know you mentioned a couple other really interesting points here and I want to say key points. This is going to also be very telltelling whether you can stay, whether you need to go any of that kind of stuff when it comes to your, your jalapeno husband. And number one is the fact that you were still able to at least walk away to the bathroom. You know, sometimes the jalapeno will follow to the bathroom and like he's just, he's just going to hurt someone, right, I like. I think if the jalapeno show some restraint, that's a good thing.

Speaker 2: 44:00

And they don't yeah.

Speaker 2: 44:04

Yeah, and that's where my therapist worked with me to not get to that point at all.

Speaker 2: 44:12

And I would watch the body language of my spouse and if he was doing any of those things like ignoring me or looking away or gaslighting or minimizing that, I did not engage any further, I would turn and walk away.

Speaker 2: 44:27

And that took me a lot of self mastery and time to actually get to that point, because I kept thinking, well, if I just try a little harder, no, he is not in a place, he does not want to talk to you, and I would have to actually just walk away and have my plan of what I would go do, because it's really hard to do that. Again, it took a lot of practice and so navigating those signs that you have noticed that lead up to those volatile situations, so that you don't get to that, if any of this is happening, you either leave or go to your safe place. You have the separation. If you think that there would be any following or restraint and these are the traits and signs that lead up to that then you just leave. And what happens is they either then shift and be like, oh okay, well, I need to figure this out, because I do want her here with me, or things will continue to escalate, which is another sign that. Okay then you, just you stay away, you stay at a safe distance.

Speaker 1: 45:35

That might mean leaving, yeah.

Speaker 2: 45:38

And you don't come back until they're calm and until they have the tools to help them to regulate, because otherwise it is dangerous and it is not fun. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 45:51

But it's something I got to tell you. I'm so glad you came on to the podcast because I do feel like this is something that needs to be talked about a lot more and you're going to hear my little girl in the background. Sorry guys, she's too. She doesn't understand, you know, boundaries yet, but it is really, really important that we do understand the differences, that this is something that does need to be talked about. This is something that needs to be shared because too often, like you know, I know a few years ago, there was a lady in my community that was killed by her boyfriend right Because of the domestic violence, and had she been able to know what the signs are, you know, I think that would be really key. So actually, I have another question for you. Yeah, would you be willing to come back and also do a podcast about the signs to watch for with the jalapeno? Yes, because I think that's going to be key, okay, I love that.

Speaker 1: 46:57

We're going to have Markel back, for sure everyone, because I do feel like this is something that is very key, something that needs to be discussed, and how to and how to calm down the jalapeno and how to navigate that whole situation. So she'll be back. We're also going to be talking with her eventually about how to calm the nervous system and heal the nervous system. So, yeah, we've got a lot of good stuff coming up with Markel.

Speaker 2: 47:31

Great. Thank you, and I hope this is helpful to all those listeners you know, hopeful for how to generate safety, as well as hopeful that there is help and there is hope for people to recover if they will do the work and show up for themselves as well as for their, their spouse.

Speaker 1: 47:56

Truly Well. Markel, thank you so much for coming back with us. You guys pay attention to the podcast. She will be with us again and then also let us know if you guys have some questions that either I or Markel can answer for you. And until the next time, guys, we will see you on the other side.

Speaker 2: 48:18

Thank you.

Speaker 1: 48:19

Thank you. Okay, so I've got a question for you. Have you joined my free Facebook group or Instagram page yet? If you haven't, go and do that, and this is the reason why I always post my freebies, updated information at all kinds of goodies for my community in that page. I'm also really active. I post videos, I answer questions. So if you guys really really want to get in and interact with me, go like me on Facebook.

Speaker 1: 49:06

Go join my group the other side of the struggle healing from betrayal trauma. Come find me on Instagram, erin Anderson, betrayal trauma coach and come follow me, because I always have something good there just for you, my audience, and I love connecting with you there. I also post anytime that I have groups going on. I talk sometimes about my programs. So if you guys are interested in working with me or even just following me and getting as much free content as you possibly are, go hang out in my group. Go connect with the ladies that are there. Also, come and join Immune and Unashamed for those married couples that are following me, because in that group, me and my business partner, kaisin kid, are also talking and offering some great content.