Kicking off The New Year, NOT Kicking It Out

Have you ever scribbled down a list of things you absolutely don't want in your life, only to find them knocking at your door? That’s because where focus goes, energy flows. In our latest episode, we tackle the challenge of flipping the script on betrayal trauma by setting laser-sharp intentions that lead to joy and purpose. I get personal and share an exercise that's been a game-changer for many; it involves acknowledging the negatives to pave the way for a clear vision of the positives. It's more than just wishful thinking; it's about crafting the life you deserve, despite the shadows trauma might cast.

The heart of our discussion beats strong with the power of intentional relationships, especially within marriage. I peel back the layers on how honest communication, coupled with understanding love languages, can repair and strengthen the ties that bind. With a special nod to our upcoming chat with Marquel Brown on the sizzling 'jalapeno husband' concept, we prep the stage for a fiery discussion that promises to resonate with listeners. If you're on a quest for thriving relationships and personal healing, this episode holds the keys to unlocking that door.

For the Powerful and Profitable Trauma Informed Coach 5 Day Challenge, click on this link to join the challenge: https://www.kushlachadwick.com/5day-powerfulandprofitable

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:03

Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching. I am super excited that you have tuned in. Today. Let's keep talking about how to heal from B-Trail Trauma. Welcome to the other side of the struggle. This is a podcast where we talk about trauma, how to heal it and then how to take it and use it to unlock your mission and your potential and to use it to live your very best dream life. When you're dealing with B-Trail Trauma, it can be hard to know how to heal it, how to stop the pain and to know what your next steps are to take in your own life, and these are the questions that we try to answer here. Trauma has the ability to rob us of our joy and identity, which is why it's so miserable to experience. But with the right tools and with the right mindset, we can totally reclaim that joy and even use this trauma to strengthen ourselves, so that way, trauma does not knock us off of our joy again. Living your dream life should be a non-negotiable, but trauma tends to try to negotiate that with you and even though trauma is not something that we will completely ever be free of in our life, the pain is negotiable. This is why I created Aaron Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching and this podcast is because I want my listeners, I want my clients, to live truly live free from the prison that trauma can put you in. I want you to live on the other side of the struggle. Hey, everyone, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle.

Speaker 1: 3:40

So last week we talked about Christmas and how Christmas is a time for healing, it's a time for joy, it's a time for peace and it's a time for well healing. Really, that is what Christmas is all about, and I am going to again just reiterate that that Christmas is not just about what happened all last week. It doesn't just happen on December 25th. Christmas is something that we celebrate, but it's something at that time, I should say, but it's something that lives with us for the rest of our lives, if we so choose. And. But in order to choose that, we have to make some different decisions. We have to say that things are going to be different by that time next year, and so we come up with all of these goals and all of these New Year resolutions that we're going to resolve to be something different this year, but within the first week, most of those resolutions have completely gone away, and the reason why is because we say we want something but we don't always know how to get it, because we don't actually plan to get it.

Speaker 1: 5:12

Okay, and that's the piece that I want to talk to you guys about today, because we've talked about this for several times now on this podcast New year, new you, new look, new, great stuff. Right, and don't get me wrong, I'm all about new year, new you. Let's do it Right. But let's talk about actually what it takes to change the result. And it takes actual intention. Remember seven pillars. First pillar, intention. It takes actual intention to get the results we want.

Speaker 1: 5:55

Now, a lot of women have come to me and they're like the result I want is my husband to stop looking at porn. Well, that's all fine and dandy, but the problem with that is that we cannot control another person. Right, much as we wish we could, we just simply can't. We might say something along the lines of I wish I had more money. Right, that's great, you have a little bit more control in that, but that's not super specific either, right, well, how much is more money? A dollar, there's a penny on the ground? Right, we need to get a little bit more specific with what it is we truly want, and the more we get specific and really clear with what it is we truly do want, we can start to manifest that, okay. So let's talk about this for a second.

Speaker 1: 6:50

Number one If you don't know what it is you want, you're probably pretty clear with what it is you don't want. This is called the anti-dream right, where you don't know what it is you want, but you are very clear with what it is you don't want and you talk about this all the time. I don't want to be in more debt. I don't want my cars to keep breaking down. I don't want my husband to look at porn. I don't want my kids to keep yelling at me and being disrespectful. I don't want a messy kitchen. I don't want a messy house.

Speaker 1: 7:25

Right, we talk about a lot about what we don't want, but the problem is is your brain is set to create what it is you focus on. So if you're focusing on what it is you don't want, you're probably creating more of what it is you don't want. So this is where we have to start getting intentional and writing down what it is we don't want, like seriously, grab a piece of paper. Write it down. I don't want this, I don't want, I don't want, I don't want, I don't want, right, fill up the paper, fill up the back of the paper, fill up 10 papers, it doesn't matter, just write it down Because there's an act. You have a connection between your brain and your hand Right. Remember how we create the ghost from our brain to our voice, to our hearts. Like we get super excited and then we start creating it with our hands.

Speaker 1: 8:29

A lot of kids today are actually struggling even more so with math because they're taught to do it on an iPad Instead of actually like looking at the problem, writing down the problem and writing down the solution and why each step is necessary. Like they're missing these things because they're not actually writing it out Right and they're finding that skipping that step of writing it out is actually taking longer for kids and people to figure things out. It is absolutely necessary. If you're trying to figure out a problem, like in math, we're figuring out a problem Right it's necessary for you to write it out. It's necessary. Your brain thrives, it lights up and it's like, oh, this is important, I need to pay attention. That is what your brain starts to do? Getting it on board. Right, we're getting the brain back on board. This is pillar number three.

Speaker 1: 9:38

So we get our brains on board, we start writing it out, and then we get to ask ourselves this question so if I don't want more debt, what is the opposite of that? What do I want? Well, I want to be out of debt, okay, cool. What does that look like? Right, we can sit there and say I want to be out of debt, but again, that's very vague. What does being out of debt look like to you? So let me give you an example.

Speaker 1: 10:15

One of the things I might say is I don't want my business to fail. Right, I want to have a very thriving and successful business. Right, do you see the change? I don't want my business to fail. That would be on the don't side. I do want it to succeed. That's on this side. I want a thriving business.

Speaker 1: 10:35

Now we're getting a little bit more clear, but if I really, really wanted to get in and get the details down of what it is I do want, all of the sudden, we're activating the mind, the voice, the heart and our hands. Right, these are the four main components to creation. So I get to get curious. Well, what does a thriving business look like? Well, I would like to be bringing in $15,000 a month, right? Okay, that would give me let's see Doing the math here $145,000 by the end of the year if I was making $15,000 a month or more. $155,000 by the end of the year if I was making $15,000 a month or more. $155,000 by the end of the year if I was making $16,000 a month or more. That would be six figures, okay, okay, so, so that's the goal to be thinking about. How would I get that six figures?

Speaker 1: 11:38

Well, I know all money comes from relationships, so I probably need to strengthen my relationships a little bit more. I need to get out and make more relationships, spend more time with people and suckering them, doing what I naturally do, right? Maybe I need to create some events hint, hint, hint where people can come and meet me and I can actually help them with what it is that they want help with the most in their healing journey and in their relationships. Maybe I need to create a podcast. Maybe I need to create a blog hint, hint, hint. A book hint, hint, hint, hint. Right, those are some things that I could do to start creating this.

Speaker 1: 12:38

What would I do with that money? Huh Well, definitely save some of it. I think I'd put some of it towards a vacation. I'd put some of it towards excellent coaching, so that way I can continue moving forward in this way, um, and maybe I can start creating a better life for someone else too. I would really love to do that With $15,000. Maybe eventually I can build another home, get the cars that I need and are reliable. Ooh, I would love to get an Airbnb.

Speaker 1: 13:22

And all of a sudden you see what's happening my dreams start flowing into the next one. I dream of having a bigger, better home. I don't know if many of you guys have noticed, but I'm in a bit of a Harry Potter closet when I'm doing my podcasts and my coaching. It's okay, I like Harry Potter. Harry Potter is pretty famous, so we'll go with it. But you know, I think that I like. It's not my dream office yet, but I definitely can work up towards that. Right, totally fine, totally fine. Um, I'm talking about the home I want. I'm talking about the cars that I want, but I'm also talking about, like, serving other people.

Speaker 1: 14:05

All of a sudden, my dreams start coming alive. When I start talking about one dream and getting detailed about what it is I do want. So the next thing is is we get to get out our calendars and make sure that that gets scheduled? Okay, an actual appointment with yourself to do something about this dream, for example, again, $15,000 a month. I'd love that Right, working towards that goal Totally.

Speaker 1: 14:38

Well, if I can see that happening through podcasting, then I need to make sure that my podcasts are scheduled and ready to go. I need to make sure I have time to edit the podcast. I need to make sure I have time for my blog, I need to make sure I have time for marketing and I need to make sure that I have time for my book. These are all things, but I also need to make sure I put time in for other priorities too, like my family. My business will not be successful if I ignore my friends and my family, so that has to have time as well. So I get to get more intentional with what I want my days to actually look like, and the more intentional I get and I start actually living those days, all of a sudden my energy comes up, I start getting excited and the idea of living this dream becomes more and more of a reality for me.

Speaker 1: 15:44

The second piece to this is taking time every single day for yourself. A previous mentor of mine talked about killing the golden goose, and I don't know if you guys have heard that story, that nursery rhyme where? Or fairy tell and it's not a nursery rhyme, it's a fairy tell where this man, you know, he, finds this goose that lays him golden eggs One golden egg every single day and he can take that golden egg and he can trade it in the marketplace for things that he wants. Well, one day he gets greedy and he wants more eggs. So he kills the goose to try to get as many eggs as he possibly can and all of a sudden he gets none right and he can't bring the goose back to life. We tend to do that with ourselves. We are the golden goose, we are the ones producing the value, the eggs in our life, and if we kill ourselves because we're demanding more, then eventually those dreams kind of piddled out and die.

Speaker 1: 16:56

See, self-care is also something that's really important to put on your calendars. If you're wanting to see something different this year, you've got to make sure you spend time not only for your goals that has to be on your calendar, but for your care as well. What would happen if that man would have fed that goose more gourmet food, rushed it every single day, gave it a nice bed and made sure that it had the rest it needed and the care? And then he knew how important it was. Would he get two eggs a day, maybe three? The more care we get, the more we can produce, and we know this. This is a basic human need. This is part of the reason why we don't like when somebody doesn't appreciate us. We get really mad when other people don't appreciate us. But if we're not appreciating ourselves by giving ourselves a little bit of grace, by giving ourselves some care and some forgiveness and some space and some intentionality and putting our own needs and our own desires on the calendar, then we are killing that golden goose.

Speaker 1: 18:12

If you want to see 2024 be the best year possible, it takes intentionality and that takes getting some things organized so that we get into habits. See, our results are literally created from habits, meaning that our thoughts are on autopilot. This is often why we're not aware of what's going on. This is often why we're not aware of our thoughts, like we're very aware of the emotions and we get really really angry or really really excited and we don't know why. Right, but it's because we're not as in tune with our thoughts as what we are our emotions. It takes us actually getting curious about why. Are we failing this way, capturing those thoughts down right, asking ourselves is this really a thought that's helping me? And if it's not, is it causing me to suffer? If it's causing me to suffer, most likely this is a lie. It's something that I need to get rid of and I need to ask myself well, what's the truth? What is the actual truth of the situation and how can I adopt that we open up our calendar and we start scheduling time for ourselves, we start scheduling time for our goals, we start scheduling time for our families and we start to understand that we have some priorities here. We are a priority, our goals are a priority, our family is a priority, and I also make sure to schedule time with God, and if you don't know why, go listen to last week's podcast episode where I talk about it for 30 minutes.

Speaker 1: 20:15

It's important to know what your values are, because if we're getting distracted from our values, we're going to feel chaotic, we're going to feel like things are not working out well for us, we're going to feel like what's the point? Nothing goes my way anyway, right? That doesn't happen when we're being intentional. We're actually setting appointments with ourselves that do not get moved unless it's an emergency, and the more we live within those values, the more that we can say that we are proud of ourselves because we actually did what we said we were going to do that day. It boosts our confidence and we start to feel like fantastic humans and we start a whole new cycle. We begin a new pattern of behavior that becomes second nature to us and a new habit giving us a new result.

Speaker 1: 21:26

Now let's put this in play for those of you that are listening, because you want more in your relationship with your spouse. Maybe hubby has betrayed you many times, maybe he is looking at porn, maybe it's the husband that's listening to this and you feel like your wife is being too confrontational and is consistently nagging you and you would like her to stop. Well, that's the end. To dream. This is the piece that we don't have any control over. This is where we lose control, and living in the adversaries, by the way. So what is the dream I want? A husband that loves me, is excited about what I want to create, that I know that he cherishes me. That makes me a priority. That gives me the ability to feel like he's intentional, intentionally loving towards me. He speaks my love language. He takes the time to know me. Right, that's a very detailed dream. What would he have to do in order to help you see those things? Now you might say, well, he's not willing to do it. Right, give the guy a little bit of grace and a little bit of a chance and let's get detailed with him. If you were to do this, this is what I think I would feel.

Speaker 1: 23:10

My love language is access service. When you look at me and you see everything that I'm trying to do and you're like honey. You know what you cook for me every single day. You clean the house, you do XYZ. You're constantly taking care of the kids. You know what. Come, sit down, put a movie on for yourself and just chill out. You know what I'm going to order you a dinner. You can have dinner in bed, with dessert, your favorite movie on, and I've got it. You need it to break and I'd love to have you take care of it. I'm going to take care of the house. You're going to wake up to a nice clean house. The kids are going to go to bed. I'll take care of them. I just appreciate you so much in everything you do.

Speaker 1: 26:26

How would that feel to have something like that and giving an asking or that, getting really specific, it's good to ask for what it is we want, and most of the time husbands do want to help us. I really do think that most men are this way, but they just men are kind of wired a little differently than what we are. Right, they're not as emotional as what we women are and so they're just kind of going along to get along most of the time. That's nothing against the guys. The guys I really respect you, but they just don't think on an emotional level as much as what we women do. And so when you get very specific and very logical with them and you help them really see what it is you do want and not asking them to read your mind, men appreciate that because they do want to know what it is you do want from them. But they struggle figuring it out because they just don't want to walk into a land mind and they're afraid they're going to. And so if you're very specific with them and let them know what makes you feel loved and you communicate that love language to them, most of the time they actually do want to do something with that.

Speaker 1: 28:01

Men, if you feel like your wife is being too nagging and she's constantly after you and you would like her to stop nagging you but be more compassionate, more patient, more loving and considerate of you and more physical and I'm not just talking in a sexy way, but just being willing to cuddle with you more and being excited that you just walk through the front door, have you asked her lately how she's doing? Have you got intentional with her? Have you asked her to share and bear her soul to you without feeling the need to correct her or without feeling the need to tell her she's crazy, without feeling like you have to defend yourself? Can you handle like? A strong man can handle a woman's emotions without feeling offended, without feeling the need to defend, because he realizes that these are her emotions. And if he has, like, if he is responsible for any negative emotions, he's going to take responsibility for it and do what he needs to do to fix it. He's strong enough and he's man enough for that. But if he's not responsible for him, he's also man enough to let her say her piece and then just ask her some really loving but good questions. A woman wants a man that can be gentle with her, let her express herself in any single way she possibly can, but it's really good at helping her simply consider and just asking her really good questions, because what is important to her is important to him. That's a guy that we like just to let you know. So, my loves, I hope that this was helpful for you guys.

Speaker 1: 30:25

Today let's get intentional. Let's actually put things on our calendar and if something that I've talked about is totally foreign to you, turn on pillar number three the brain on board and actually show yourself what it would look like. Lay it out in your head. Write it out if you have to. If the U2 guys just had an argument and you didn't like the way that thing went, lay it back over in your head and ask yourself well, what if I would have done this? How would the result have changed? I promise you that, with being intentional and getting your brain on board with what it is you truly want, what kind of relationship you want with your spouse, with what kind of relationship you want with yourself and what kind of relationship you want with God. Let's actually schedule it, get intentional and don't let anything else take precedence over that appointment. Okay, also, an unashamed image is starting. January 10th in just 10 days, it is starting.

Speaker 1: 31:47

I would love for you guys to be in on this and, as my gift to you, I actually do have some really great pricing options available right now for anybody that would love to build better boundaries for this year, to stop the gaslighting for this year, to actually transform their relationships into a space where they feel heard, seen and valued and cherished. If you're ready for that, I would love to chat with you. These calls are completely free and they're in the booking links. You can get them on my website, erinandersonthetraumacoachcom. Go, book a call with me. They're free and I would love to help you guys take your next steps into healing, to getting the relationships you want, gaining that confidence and creating the life that you know you deserve. If that's something you would love, please fill up my calendar. It is yours for the taking. I hope this was helpful.

Speaker 1: 33:01

Next week we are listening to Markel Brown. She will be talking about the jalapeno husband. I know a lot of you guys are excited about that, and until next week I'll see you guys on the other side. Bye, okay, so I've got a question for you.

Speaker 1: 33:31

Have you joined my free Facebook group or Instagram page yet?

Speaker 1: 33:38

If you haven't, go and do that and this is the reason why I always post my freebies, updated information and all kinds of goodies for my community in that page. I'm also really active. I post videos, I answer questions. So if you guys really really want to get in and interact with me, go like me on Facebook, go join my group the other side of the struggle healing from betrayal trauma. Come find me on Instagram, aaron Anderson, betrayal trauma coach, and come follow me, because I always have something good there just for you, my audience, and I love connecting with you there. I also post anytime that I have groups going on. I talk sometimes about my programs. So if you guys are interested in working with me or even just following me and getting as much free content as you possibly can, go hang out in my group. Go connect with the ladies that are there. Also, come and join Immune and Unashamed for those married couples that are following me, because in that group, me and my business partner, kaisen Kid, are also talking and offering some great content.