"There's Just Not Enough of What I Need" Escaping the Scarcity Trap with Trevor Henniger

Discover the transformative power of confronting scarcity mindset and Betrayal Trauma as Trevor Henniger from Rise Undaunted joins us for an enlightening conversation. Our discussion delves into the ways in which these mental blocks can sabotage happiness and fulfillment, examining the excuses that often hold us back in relationships and finances. Together, we reveal how healing from trauma is not just about recovery; it's about using that experience as a catalyst to create the life of your dreams. Trevor's insights are particularly poignant, shedding light on the pervasive nature of scarcity thinking and offering strategies to overcome it.

Have you ever considered that your relationships could be your most valuable asset? This episode unpacks the secret to making money through the power of personal connections, emphasizing the importance of sacrifice to sanctify our endeavors. We explore how young individuals can leverage their work experience to foster financial independence, thereby enhancing their self-worth and avoiding dependency. The conversation takes a turn towards the gig economy, creative talents, and the idea that the act of giving value to others is in itself a valuable currency. This is a must-listen for anyone looking to intertwine financial gain with meaningful human connection.

Wrapping up, we shift from scarcity to its antithesis—abundance. I urge you to redirect your focus from paralyzing fear to the positive changes you desire, whether in personal relationships, financial freedom, or self-improvement. We discuss the power of ownership, creativity, and setting boundaries with love, not ultimatums, in relationships. For those facing addiction, we offer a message of hope through trust, empathy, and self-care. Join our free online communities for continued support and access to valuable resources. Don't let this be just another podcast episode—let it be the first step towards your transformation.

For the Powerful and Profitable Trauma Informed Coach 5 Day Challenge, click on this link to join the challenge: https://www.kushlachadwick.com/5day-powerfulandprofitable

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:03

Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching. I am super excited that you tuned in today. Let's keep talking about how to heal from B-Trail Trauma. Welcome to the other side of the struggle.

Speaker 1: 1:33

This is a podcast where we talk about trauma, how to heal it and then how to take it and use it to unlock your mission and your potential and to use it to live your very best dream life. When you're dealing with B-Trail Trauma, it can be hard to know how to heal it, how to stop the pain and to know what your next steps are to take in your own life, and these are the questions that we try to answer here. Trauma has the ability to rob us of our joy and identity, which is why it's so miserable to experience. But with the right tools and with the right mindset, we can totally reclaim that joy and even use this trauma to strengthen ourselves, so that way, trauma does not knock us off of our joy again. Living your dream life should be a non-negotiable, but trauma tends to try to negotiate that with you and even though trauma is not something that we will completely ever be free of in our life, the pain is negotiable.

Speaker 1: 2:53

This is why I created Aaron Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching and this podcast is because I want my listeners, I want my clients, to live, truly live, free from the prison that trauma can put you in. I want you to live on the other side of the struggle. Welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle. We have back with us the fabulous Trevor Henniger. Did I say that right this time, trevor?

Speaker 1: 3:43

Yeah, I was so glad I know last time I kept slaughtering that I'm like, oh man, anyway. But we have back with us Trevor Henniger and he is one of the leaders in the rise and daunted program for men and he's been on this program before. He's talked about the nice guy syndrome, so we'll definitely be talking a little bit about that again today. But you know, when Trevor and I met just a minute ago and just kind of started chatting, like one of the topics that really came to the surface for us was this idea of the scarcity mindset and how we see this playing out in some of our clients, how we're seeing this playing out in marriages and how this also passes on to communication issues in our marriages and in our relationships, and so we definitely felt like that was a good piece to discuss today. So, without further ado, welcome Trevor.

Speaker 2: 4:48

Thank you so much. I'm glad to be here again, aaron. I love your podcast. It's great to have someone who's right in line with what I do with men and you're focusing more on women, and it's just great for sure it is.

Speaker 1: 5:09

It really is, because even though I do coach some men right, there's just nothing like having a man coach a man, because men can kind of understand the men mindset right and women can kind of understand the women mindset right, and even though there's a lot of crossovers and similarities and stuff like that, I do love that there's a place that I can send men to and be like hey, this is, if you guys are looking for help, these are the guys to go hang out with and chat with, Right.

Speaker 2: 5:46

Yep.

Speaker 1: 5:47

So one of the things, like we were talking about my followers and my audience was like, what does the scarcity mindset look like? And this is something that I have talked about previously on this podcast. Right, I've been doing this podcast now for two years a little over two years, right and so you know lots of different topics discussed here, but the scarcity mindset has been talked about before, but I feel like it definitely needs to be expanded on and discussed in more detail, because this is something that I think a lot of people don't realize is causing a lot of problems in their life. You know what I mean.

Speaker 2: 6:36

Yeah, yeah, and it can be scarcity in anything, right? We tend to think about money. When we think of scarcity mindset, it could be scarcity about money, it could be scarcity about love, it could be scarcity about sex, it could be scarcity about I mean, there's any number of things that we could have that scarcity mindset about. And it's really interesting is, I love this analogy of if someone stuck a plastic bag over your head and you couldn't breathe, air would become very scarce, right, and what would happen is all we would be able to think about is air. Like I need air, right, give me air immediately. Yet, right now, I'm not thinking about air, like I never really think about air, because it's just always there. It's an abundance, right, yeah, so it's something I don't think about.

Speaker 1: 7:27

Right.

Speaker 2: 7:29

But if I'm running out of money, boy, I start thinking about money all of the time, because every single thing pretty much in our world costs money, right? Yeah, it's good, yeah, you start getting scarce on money and it's like what do I do? Yeah, no.

Speaker 1: 7:48

I totally get it. I totally get it. And you know and I'm not saying that I'm perfect with this either I think that there's still things that you know I need to work on as well. Right, With my own scarcity and my own money story. But the thing is, is what people don't realize, I think is, is how that scarcity mindset, especially around like money, is also some there's also something scarce in their mindset about their relationships, scarce in their relationship with themselves, and somehow it turns into a trust issue with God. Right, Right.

Speaker 1: 8:25

And I'm not saying like there's not going to be times of trial and times where things are going to be tight and you're going to be like, boy, how am I going to do this? But when you're sitting there saying to yourself like, and giving yourself all these excuses right, I mean, you and I were both talking about like some of the excuses we've heard from our clients like, well, I'm disabled, I rely on the government and I can't make some, I can't make this kind of money, otherwise, Like the government will stop supporting me and it's like Good, yeah, yeah, Right.

Speaker 2: 9:02

Yeah, we talk, it's easy to it's definitely I had a client who.

Speaker 2: 9:08

So for the first year I did Rise and Don and it was all free and I thought, for sure, you know, I'm like this is the way to go, because there's so many people who just don't have a ton of money.

Speaker 2: 9:20

They need some help and I'm going to be there to help them. Right, and sure, there was some guys that got some help right. But then as time went on, I realized there was also men who weren't willing to take ownership of their life and they just wanted to show up and it was like a social club to them, like it's just a place where I can talk, but also I can just, you know, whine and complain about my situation or complain about my circumstances, you know, and not actually do anything about it. But as soon as I started charging money like I started at $12 a month that was when I started that Like you can't really get much cheaper than that, right? No? But it was amazing how those guys disappeared Like instantly, those guys that weren't willing to take ownership. They completely disappeared out of the group when I started charging $12.

Speaker 2: 10:21

And I was like this is crazy, like it's a miracle because Ryzen Donut is a rising tide. We are all the men in Ryzen Donut. We all want to become better versions of ourselves, and if we're listening to guys just whine and complain about their situation or their circumstances and not actually take ownership for it, that doesn't help anyone. That just makes the tide go down. It stops rising and it starts dropping right. And so we do a lot of group stuff, group coaching, group conversations, stuff like that, and so we want it's not that we don't come to the group saying, well, my life is so wonderful, because that's not at all what it is Like. It is a safe space for men to be able to share when they're struggling with something, but the difference is is they actually know what they can do to work on that right and they're actually taking action to constantly work on whatever it is you know, and not just complaining about the same thing every single week, every single week, right?

Speaker 1: 11:23

Right, right, and that's the whole point. Like we want to shift, we're here to grow, we're here to do something different. And you know, same thing with me. Like you know, I've been coaching for 10 years and so you know I've had to work through a lot of my own scarcity mindset kind of stuff, right, and my scarcity mindset also transmuted over into similar things, like with clients like, oh, you can't pay for it, that's okay, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But these same thing like these were women that were still stuck and having the same problems over and over and over and over and over again, and they weren't making progress, right? Yeah, you know, I'll tell you another really fascinating story too. I also had another client, too, I had actually worked with for a couple of years, and she still owed me, you know, a couple thousand dollars by the end of the coaching, right, and she totally sticked me.

Speaker 2: 12:33

Wow.

Speaker 1: 12:34

Right, and it is what it is. Not saying anything against her, but and I totally forgave her, whatever, and you know, move past that. But it's really interesting to see that once she was not willing to do more action and it took some. It took a lot of time for me to get her to take some action in her life right.

Speaker 1: 15:31

And she got to that point where she was like no, I'm not doing this anymore, I really want everything to be on my husband now. She stopped paying me, she refused to pay me, right, and I learned at that point, you know, to get really good contracts in place, right, because we want. It's not about like you and I charge money, not because of the money, it's because we're attracting a certain type of person into our businesses to move forward, right, people like there's a very few people that will actually get in and do the work, that actually don't have some type of skin in the game.

Speaker 2: 16:12

Totally, yeah Right, oh, yeah, for sure I. It's interesting because I did a Google search the other day. I was like trying to find something about sacrifice, you know, because because I've always understood that when you sacrifice something, it makes something, it makes it holy Like. And then so I did this quick search and the Google, the Google, the answer. I'm not saying that Google knows everything by any means, but it was really kind of fascinating because I was like that's a really good answer. It said the term sacrifice derives from the Latin uh, sacred, meaning sacred, and the cure, meaning to make or to do. Sacrifice means to make sacred, interesting. Yeah, I was like that's so true, like it, just that's what it's yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2: 17:08

Sacrifice, and so by making that sacrifice and and so for some people $2,000 isn't going to be a sacrifice and so it isn't going to be very sacred, right, and they may not put much ownership or much effort into making that change because $2,000 isn't a sacrifice. Maybe for them it has to be $20,000 for that sacrifice to help, right, but yeah, even. But for some people $25 is a sacrifice, right.

Speaker 1: 17:36

Yeah, well, totally, you know, I've actually talked to people in like South Africa, right they're, they're making like $80 a month, right, and living off of $80 a month. No granted prices, back prices over in the African continent are lower than what they are here but at the same time, to them, like $25 is, is a giant sacrifice right, oh sure.

Speaker 1: 18:04

Yeah, right, and you think about like $15,000, like there's just like that to me and you would be maybe like a million, you know, right, and it's a little bit hard for them to fathom. But you know, and it's like I've said so many times, in this day and age, with modern technology, like you literally can make thousands of dollars from your own home. Oh yeah.

Speaker 2: 18:34

Yeah, Airbnb and all kinds of other things you can do.

Speaker 1: 18:38

Right, there's Airbnb we were talking earlier about. Like hey, look at publishing audiobooks, right, get good at that. That's a giant market right now. Right, yeah, yeah, like go learn something Kindle books Right, something.

Speaker 1: 18:53

Go learn something and put together some sort of a book on it and put it out there to the public. Right, lots of people are making thousands of dollars doing that. People are making thousands of dollars writing greeting cards Right, yeah, and selling those greeting cards. Or Etsy, or online teaching Like you know, you don't have to be a coach to make thousands of dollars.

Speaker 2: 19:18

Right? Well, it's interesting because a lot of people get caught into this whole thing. Like I can go on social media and I can become an influencer. I can just. I just need to post way more every single day, and I need to, you know, get all these people watching me and that way I can make free money just by posting. And it's like stop trying to win the lottery, you know it doesn't work.

Speaker 1: 19:38

Yeah, it doesn't work that way.

Speaker 2: 19:40

Yeah, it's like, go, go, like it's really not that difficult to make money. You find the need and you fill the need. Right, yeah, provide some some value to the marketplace. Stop trying to influence people and just provide value to the marketplace.

Speaker 2: 19:56

When I was a newlywed, I got my. The public library in town was was offering. They decided to offer a thing where, where I was going to be, they hired me to be a tutor because I lived in a really small town retirement community, lots of elderly folks this was, you know, 20 some years ago. They didn't know how to use their computers and so I would, literally they could come to the library or I could go to their home and I could literally teach them how to use their computers and they would charge, like a library would charge. You know what I don't remember what it was, probably be 10 bucks an hour, you know. And so I would make, you know, I would make the wage working for the library and they would pay and it would help the trying to help the community. Right, that was the, that was the public library I was trying to do and I'm like now, I'd bet you, anyone, like everybody, basically knows how to use a smartphone.

Speaker 2: 20:57

Right, everybody has a smartphone. They've had one for years. They know how to use it. But think about that 70 year old grandmother or grandfather who doesn't know how to use that smartphone. Yeah, do you know how much like some of them. Sure, some of them may not want to pay any money or may not have money to pay to help them, but I bet you money there's a ton of those people who would love to have someone come over to their home and show them how to use their phone.

Speaker 2: 21:22

Yeah, exactly, they could probably be willing to pay 20 bucks an hour because, like, how many hours would it really take?

Speaker 2: 21:27

you know, come over to my house once a week. Yeah, come over to my house once a week and spend an hour with me. Show me how to show me how to do this. I don't know how to do text messaging. Okay, you click on this and you, you know, like it's, it's not that hard for us, but it's. But the thing is, it's value to the marketplace, right, and you need for bringing value to the marketplace. It's not that difficult to make money.

Speaker 1: 21:51

Well, and so the thing is and this is why this is actually a really good intro into the next section here and that is the reason why this happens is because relationships equal money. You are going to be paid from creating value with a relationship, right. So, for example, I've got a 16 year old son right, and no, he's not making great money, but he's working down at the local diner flipping burgers Right, and he, he has a relationship with his boss who pays him for the value he creates. Right, right. My, my other teenage son, he's 14. Right, he goes out and he heard sheep every single summer, comes home at the end of the summer with like 1500 bucks Right.

Speaker 1: 22:44

For a 14 year old kid, that's great money, right, right. Simply because he goes out early every single morning in the summer and hurts sheep with the sheep herder Right, and he's super consistent and all these things. And so he's learning these skills out in the workplace. Both of these boys are to earn some money for themselves. They're learning how to manage their money and all of these things because they have a relationship with the person that pays them. Right, right.

Speaker 2: 23:20

Same thing with you and me.

Speaker 1: 23:20

Yeah, it's totally the same thing with you and me. Right, we have to go out and get a relationship with our clients. We have to connect with them to help them understand that, no, we're not going to go stiff them. We want to help them get a certain result, right, and if they really really want that result, they're going to put some value on it. And when they put that value on it, all of a sudden now they're having a fantastic experience, right, and it's all through relationships.

Speaker 1: 23:55

And you know, a minute ago we talked about like, yeah, let's get you off of government assistance. There's no shame on being on government assistance, like I don't want to like say that you know bad on you or anything like that. Then there's no shame on that. Just, the thing is, is you want to consider that kind of relationship, like you're getting paid from people you don't know and that don't really know you or your specific situation or what's actually happening, and is that something that you want to continue? And most of the time people are going to say no, that they want to have some freedom. They want to feel like they can go out and buy the car that they need or pay for the education that they want.

Speaker 1: 24:45

Or you know, I'm thinking about a specific client of mine who is, again, really disabled, struggling in her marriage and, you know, feeling very judged and very abandoned by her community too because of everything that's happening. And you know she's also dependent upon the government and one of the things that you know I've talked to her about, just, you know, back and forth a little bit, is is it worth it? Is it worth it being dependent on the government? Right, right, Is that maybe one step? And this is the only reason why I'm saying like, good, if you're like, I don't want that anymore, that's good. Right, because is it worth it being dependent on someone other than yourself? Because you can be you can be in this day and age, absolutely self dependent.

Speaker 1: 25:47

But that's going to take stopping the blame, stopping, you know, the anger to some degree and saying, ok, what am I really seriously willing to change, what am I willing to do? What fears are and that's what scarcity is right what fears are standing in my way Stopping me from actually getting this thing that I want, getting the support I want, actually finding the relationships I want? What is it that's stopping me? Yeah, right, what is the fear Right For sure, and you know I've talked a couple of times about the trauma cycle on this podcast where you know you get the trigger, which in this case, is going to be money right.

Speaker 1: 26:36

The re-traumatization A lot of us like, if you're feeling triggered by money, you're not alone. Ok, there's a lot of people out there, even coaches, right, trevor and I were just talking about, like, how we started off. Like I charged $35 an hour for personal coaching, right? You know when?

Speaker 2: 26:55

I first started my first time. Yeah, right.

Speaker 1: 26:58

Right, and it's like I don't do that anymore and that person love her with all my heart still to this day, but she made little tiny bits of progress. Now, you know, I charge like $1,000 per two hour session, right, and I have people that literally go from feeling pretty hopeless and not knowing what their next steps are to making massive shifts and massive progress, simply because they chose to value their result, value themselves and stop the scarcity. Right, they chose the faith over the fear. But you're, I'm just saying like there's no shame also from being stuck in the trauma cycle. There's no shame in feeling stuck by money, right, it's a societal problem, there's a lot of people, a lot of people out there

Speaker 1: 27:59

that, yeah, totally programmed. Right. And so if that's your trigger, cool, no, no judgment. Yeah, that's going to re traumatize you because you've learned that money doesn't shop for you. Right, that's what we've learned. And money is a type of relationship, and so if money doesn't show up for you, you're going to feel abandoned. We're getting into now that word with nice guy syndrome and stuff, right, yeah, likes to be abandoned, right.

Speaker 1: 28:27

We get into reaction and blame. We get angry, we blame the government, we blame our spouses, we blame, blame, blame. Maybe even blame ourselves, right, for how money hasn't shown up, or maybe how I've failed, or how I've done nothing about this, or it's all my fault, or my husband keeps spending all of this money, right, or you know all these things. We get into that. Then we get into coping and avoidance. If money comes our way, we spend it as fast as we possibly can, because it's a dangerous thing and we want to get it as way for as quickly as possible, and we wonder why we don't have it. Right. Again, it's your subconscious playing games on you, yeah, but. And then you cope by also spending money, right, yeah. And then, when you realize you don't have it, you try to get into control by saying nobody can spend any money, right or no? We can't go buy diapers, no. We can't go buy food no, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't. So we get into the scarcity mindset. That's where we get into the control, and when we get super ultra focused on the money and the lack of it, that's all we see and we get re-triggered, and so the trauma cycle just continues to keep going.

Speaker 1: 29:48

And that also transmutes into our relationships, because, you know, when we, you know I've talked about the relational tiers on this program before and money is that bottom tier, right, the abundance tier. But if you look back up the tiers, you've got the relationship with others, your relationship with yourself and your relationship with God, and God has promised us and, honestly, love promises us. If you don't believe in God, what's your highest form of love? Right, love in general promises us to care for us. That's what love does To actually provide for us. But we have to also be willing to trust ourselves, to go out and create this income, to go out and create what it is we need to create, and I think that's something that the adversary actually does is teaches us to fear creation.

Speaker 2: 30:51

Right.

Speaker 1: 30:51

Right.

Speaker 2: 30:53

Yeah, and we're creators, like we're children of God. God that means, you know, we are His offspring. We have so much potential to create, yet what do we do when we're in a scarcity mindset? We don't. We just we're just afraid of everything. Right, you know, I love, I love one of the one of the. We have a Divine King manifesto and it's got a list of 18 different manifestos on there that we, we work on these all the time and rise undotted, and one of them is I have the integrity to take responsibility for every aspect of my life and don't give my power to others by passing the blame, because once if we're willing to pass the blame, we're also passing the power to whoever we blamed.

Speaker 2: 31:44

So as long as we're not taking ownership of our situation or our circumstances or whatever it is, then we can't change it, because we now pass the power to someone else to change. So now, now they can change our life, but we can't.

Speaker 1: 31:58

Right, and you're so true. You know you're talking about, actually, my fifth pillar, right here? Right, I talk about adversaries versus the pillars, right, yeah, and ownership and blame are the fifth pillar and fifth adversary. Okay, and you're totally right. The adversaries are going to tell you that you can't do anything about this. That's how you know you're in the adversaries. Right, it was. When you're blaming, even blaming yourself, it's literally taking the power of the do away from you. And so what we have to do to cross over into the pillar, which is ownership, like you're outlining this beautifully, you really are right. The bridge between the two is forgiveness and realizing that it's for the giving Right. Right, if we're feeling scarce, if we're feeling that fear, if we're feeling stuck, this is for the giving Right, giving it up to God, doing some journaling, working past this fear Now. It doesn't mean that you have to immediately get past it tomorrow, because here's the deal If you're in a fearful mindset, you're probably not going to make some great and wise decisions.

Speaker 2: 33:16

Okay, right.

Speaker 1: 33:17

Right, right, right. So you know, take some time to really understand this fear and why it's present, what's showing up right and some ideas on how to move past it and what you personally can take ownership for. Start to shift, to grow, to change, and then that's going to start putting you back in that position of power. Right, yeah, yeah, for sure, I love that. I love that. So how do we shift? How do we heal a scarcity mindset? Trevor.

Speaker 2: 34:00

I mean that's a good question. Well, I'll tell you what's one of the things we can really do to change our scarcity mindset, because I want to go into the changing part first. I heard the phrase years ago from one of my coaches you don't get what you want, you don't get what you need. You don't get what you deserve. You get what you focus on.

Speaker 1: 34:28

Yes, I love that.

Speaker 2: 34:31

Yeah, so if you're focusing on the scarcity of money, what are you going to get? More scarcity of money.

Speaker 1: 34:39

Yes.

Speaker 2: 34:39

If you're focusing on scarcity of love, if you're focusing on your spouse's addiction, what are you going to get Right? If you're focusing on how terrible your spouse is, what are you going to get, right? More of your terrible spouse, like you're not going to get. You know, it's really not that complicated, it's very basic. Like, if we're focusing on how much debt we have, what are we going to get? More of debt?

Speaker 1: 35:06

If we're focusing on, you know, the paper thin walls behind you in your office and your kids running past screaming. What are you going to get Right? Or kids screaming while you're on your podcast, right?

Speaker 2: 35:18

Right, exactly so it's like okay, so if we want to, if we want to have different results, what do we have to do? Change our focus.

Speaker 1: 35:28

Yes.

Speaker 2: 35:28

Stop focusing on all our problems, because that just gives us more problems, so so so I have a coach who's who's basically saying you know, we've all heard it before Imagine the future, imagine what you want, right. So so we just we just hit the beginning of the year, right, we've got news, resolutions, we got goals, we got all these things that you know. The gym this is the busiest time of the gym for the whole year is January, Right, and we're just going to the gym because they're all fired up and pumped up or or at least they bought the membership you know, hoping that that's going to make them healthy.

Speaker 2: 36:10

I might have done that. Oh dear, I think we've all done that before, right?

Speaker 1: 36:16

Right.

Speaker 2: 36:16

But? But the here's the thing If we're, if we're, if we are visualizing what we want. So we want a healthy relationship with our spouse, we want a healthy body, we want to have you know more money, we want to have freedom, we want to have security, like these are the things that we need to focus on. We need to be visualizing these, meditating, visualizing our future. You know, it's interesting. What I've learned recently is anytime you set a goal, what happens? If you set a goal, I'm going to lose 50% of your money, I'm going to lose 50 pounds, right, you know we set this goal this year, I'm going to lose 50 pounds. And then we, but what's the first thing we do? We, we think in our minds, we think I've never done that before. That's not possible.

Speaker 2: 37:07

Like because, we tend to look at our past. The past predicts the future. But that's not true. The past doesn't predict the future, but our, but our, our mind thinks that it does right. We've never done it before Our subconscious mind, and so instead, what we need to do is visualize the future, focus on what it is that we want, rather than focusing on what we don't want, and then look at all like, really visualize it, like take in the emotions, take in the sounds, the smells, the tastes, the, the sites, all the things that come from that beautiful future that you want. It doesn't have to be 10 or 20 years in the future, it could just be next year, it could just be next month, like there's no time is is only in our moral minds. It can happen as fast as we allow it to happen. Because it's the problem is our six inches between our ears? That's the problem. It's our brain, that's the problem. It's not anything else.

Speaker 2: 38:09

It's not our circumstances, so as long as we're.

Speaker 1: 38:13

Yeah, it's our thoughts.

Speaker 2: 38:15

This is the part that's stopping us. It's not not anything else. So, by visualizing what we want in the future and then feeling that and really, really like imagining it, like we all have wonderful imaginations, just think about how, you know, take your, take your favorite fruit, and how juicy and sweet and delicious that is when you bite into it.

Speaker 1: 38:36

Now I want a peach.

Speaker 2: 38:39

And then how? Like oh my gosh, I can now taste. I can taste it. Right, you can taste that peach or whatever it is that you're biting into and you just like start, you're salivating. You're like, oh my gosh, why is that? Why are you salivating? You didn't actually bite a peach.

Speaker 2: 38:53

It's because your imagination is so good at visualizing something. So, if you visualize yourself as that ideal weight or health, you visualize your, your marriage is that ideal marriage, and that's what you focus on. And then imagine what that's going to feel like when you get it. And then here's the real powerful part you, you move it to the past. So you take that visualization and you move it as if it had already happened five years ago or 10 years or whatever. You visualize it happening in the past and remembering what it felt like when that happened. That's beautiful. And so then, then, so now it's in the past. So now, like you know, things happen.

Speaker 2: 39:43

Right, it happened in the past and things went out of whack, but now we're going to do it again. We're going to now bring our marriage back into the place where it was back then. How much easier is it now to set that goal, to make it happen. We've already done it once, we can do it again because our subconscious is going yeah, we already did that before, let's do it again. Because subconscious doesn't know the difference between past, present or future Right. It just knows that it is. So if you make it believable, then and you remember it as in the past it's going to have it's. It's can happen way easier. So now I'm setting the goal that we're going to bring our marriage into alignment, you know, with joy and peace and love and all the other, all the things. It is going to happen much, much easier than if we're focusing on how terrible our spouse is.

Speaker 1: 40:36

Yeah, you're so right, you know. But I do want to also add here that when you are projecting yourself into the past not the past, I'm sorry, the future saying that this is what I want to help do, this is how I want it to look, and then you move it to the past, you're also going to have to insert some non-negotiables, right? So for me, like you know, when I wanted to change the marriage I had with my husband right, number one, I wasn't taking complete ownership for the whole thing, because it takes two to tango, right.

Speaker 1: 41:10

Yeah, yeah of course, but I couldn't blame the entirety on it on him either, because it takes two to tango. I had to take some responsibility, of course. Like some of my non-negotiables were like okay, you don't get to scream at me, you don't get to call names, you don't get to be disrespectful in conversations. I'm not going to be disrespectful in conversations either. That was a non-negotiable right and we can do this with our money too.

Speaker 1: 41:43

Like, one of the non-negotiables I have is, like you know, I make sure I do some sort of charitable donation every time that I have money coming in. You know, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ the Latter-day Saints, I make sure I pay my tithing, right, because that tithing doesn't only just go to build temples and church houses, but it goes to a lot of humanitarian aid, right? I'm all about that, totally all about that too, but I also make sure that I allot a certain percentage of that money for play right Because the thing is is the more we learn to enjoy our money and not actually fear it, because the opposite of fear is fun.

Speaker 1: 42:32

If we're feeling overwhelmed or scared of something, then we're not having enough fun with it. That's actually what's happening, right, and if we allot just a certain amount, it doesn't have to be much, but having some type of fun with that money is going to help. You have a very different relationship with it, and so I think it's good to say, like, what are the non-negotiables? Because those non-negotiables are also where you fall back on and they stop you from falling further away from your goal, right? So make sure you've got those non-negotiables in there as well. So you kind of hit upon this a little bit before. But how does this create communication problems in our marriages and our really, really important relationships? Like, how does this show up?

Speaker 2: 43:33

Oh, like scarcity you mean. Well, so I'll give you a little example, one of the things that can happen in a marriage, especially with the couples that you're dealing with, like where there's trauma, you know whether it's infidelity or or, you know, pornography or whatever what can happen. There's a lot of damage between the two people, right, there's a lot of, you know, pain, suffering, resentment, all the rest trauma, whatever, all those emotions that can come. So every time we go to to talk about something, those things, what happens? They all come rushing back, right, so she is, let's say, he cheated or was on pornography, so so all of her emotions, that of betrayal and and the lack of trust and everything, comes rushing back. And then what are the emotions that that he's experiencing?

Speaker 2: 44:44

Blame, shame, guilt, you know, these all come rushing back right, every time they go to try and have a a meaningful conversation, meaning, you know, how often does a woman want to connect a lot, right, and I want to bring up things like I want our marriage to be better, so we need to work on this, right? But what? But? But? Then you know, she says, says something that he needs to change, and all those emotions come back. And then he says something and gets angry or whatever, because it's being defensive, and then those emotions come back to her and it's just like yeah.

Speaker 1: 45:24

Well, it's like. It's like this Like if you are driving and say that you've got on a pink, a pair of pink sunglasses and your spouse has got a pair of blue sunglasses, right, as you're looking out the window, you're going to say, oh, everything looks super pink. And but they're going to say, no, everything looks super blue. Right, it's because it's the lens from which we view our world, and that's what we're dealing with. See our emotions color our lens. Yeah, totally.

Speaker 2: 46:00

I agree with you 100%, and it can be anything, not just relationships. Yeah, you can, you can, but but but putting on that um, taking responsibility or accountability lens, rather than putting on the blaming lens, like, hey, let's have a conversation. Okay, I'm going to take these lenses off and I'm going to put on the, you know, take responsibility lens or accountability ownership.

Speaker 1: 46:27

I guess ownership is better.

Speaker 2: 46:28

Yeah, take off my victim lens and put on my ownership lens. Okay, now we're going to have a conversation, right?

Speaker 2: 46:34

I'm going to take ownership for everything, rather than blaming or being a victim. You know, this is, this is a massive, massive progress If we can learn to do that anytime we have a conversation, you know. But I think I think it really comes down in relationships. I think a lot of it is just unconditional love. You know, like we, we want. I mean, what does people, what do people really want? Oh yeah, we just want unconditional love. That's all we really want.

Speaker 1: 47:03

And that's all love is actually is unconditional love. You know if we're going to get technical no, love is conditional.

Speaker 2: 47:10

Right.

Speaker 1: 47:11

Love. There's no such thing.

Speaker 2: 47:13

Right, yeah, right yeah. The true definition of the term, you know, is going to be unconditional love, meaning, even if you act out in your pornography addiction, I still love you. That's unconditional love. It's not like, well, because you acted out, I'm not going to love you, I'm going to withhold love for the next week because you acted out. That's not. That's not unconditional love, that's conditional love. I'm only going to love you when you're acting the way I want you to love me.

Speaker 1: 47:42

Right and see, that's the thing. This is why it's so dangerous to actually get into the scarcity mindset, because that is a scarcity mindset. Oh yeah, I sit there and say, oh, I'm withdrawing my love from you, right? Well, that's actually majorly triggering to the pornography addiction, because it's like you said. I mean, when you withdraw, all of a sudden this fear of abandonment comes up big time. And so what do they do?

Speaker 2: 48:10

They go to the binky. They go back to the binky, they go back to the binky. Exactly Right.

Speaker 1: 48:13

They go back to the pornography. They go back to the thing and that's also something I had to learn myself too was like every single time I withdrew, you know, my husband dove deeper into it. He had to hide it from me, like it became very, very unhealthy. And so once I realized, like within me, that I actually had the power to love him, but I didn't have to love the addiction, I didn't have to love that habit, I didn't have to love the actions, right, exactly. And when I started growing myself as a person, I could at the time come from a communication of abundance of love for him and for myself. Oh sure, that was major.

Speaker 1: 48:59

Right, you can't love someone without loving yourself first. It doesn't work without giving. You can't give somebody else unconditional love without giving yourself unconditional love. Right, you get unconditional love for yourself. Until you actually receive it from the Lord, it doesn't work, right. But once you get those things and once you are actually willing to change, to shift, to grow, to become a fantastic human, become the person that you're proud of, that you actually do love.

Speaker 1: 49:36

When these problems come our way again, we get to set some loving boundaries. Boundaries are actually set on love. Right, they're set on a foundation of love, and this is what makes them so incredibly fabulous. People think that boundaries are ultimatums. They're the punishments, they're. This is what's going to happen if you keep doing this. Right, and it's not about that, it's not about how you're going to act if this continues to happen.

Speaker 1: 50:07

Right, yeah, getting back into those non-negotiables, right. And so if I'm looking at this and saying, you know, if you're not going to tell me the truth, I'm going to tell you the truth, I'm going to have a hard time trusting you. That's a natural consequence, right. And if you can't be honest, open and vulnerable with me, you know. And if you keep trying to shame me or trying to guilt, trip me, or trying to hide things or try to gas, like me, right, yeah, well, I'm not going to be able to trust you, right, yeah, and I'm not going to feel bad that I don't trust you. That's just. That's just the consequence of your action, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 50:51

Right.

Speaker 1: 50:52

Yeah, and when I could talk to him like that, it was a lot calmer and he was able to calm down himself and be like, oh, that actually makes sense. He didn't always like it, yeah. Yeah, but eventually he would come back and be like you're right, you're absolutely right, and gave him and what that did is it gave him the space to start becoming emotionally healthy himself.

Speaker 2: 51:19

Right.

Speaker 1: 51:20

Right.

Speaker 2: 51:20

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 51:22

And so what we're talking about and this is the coolest thing ever here, you know, as we're kind of like wrapping up this podcast is that if we really want to get out of scarcity and stop focusing on the lack of money, the lack of love, the lack of relationships, the lack of what we need to really focus on is where the love is. Even if, even if the only place you can feel love is between you and your heavenly father, that's great, that's a starting point, for sure. This is where we get to spend a lot more time with just him. Yeah, and you know, if you speak to him, right, like speaking to that client that maybe as struggling with the disability's depression, like all of these fears, right, this feeling of abandonment, this feeling like nobody loves me, nobody cares, I'm the black sheep and I'm all alone. Yeah, this is where you get to go away.

Speaker 1: 52:39

Maybe go for, maybe go for a drive. I love cemeteries. Like I am not even joking, like I will drive up to my city cemetery and I'll just hang out there because it's so quiet, there's not kids in the background distracting me, right, there's not the turmoil and I can actually be quiet and I can have a fantastic conversation with God. Sometimes I'll take a paper and pen and I'll write a letter to him and then he'll write back to me. I record the responses and the feelings and the emotions and the thoughts that come to me after I'm done writing a letter to him.

Speaker 2: 53:20

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 53:21

Focus where the love is and all of a sudden, scarcity starts to go away.

Speaker 2: 53:27

I love what you shared. No, I love that. I love it because those are some great ideas to connect with God and to get that feeling of unconditional love from him right. He is the ultimate source of unconditional love. I want to throw this out there because I had a thought while you were talking was and I'm sure this is for both sexes, but I think it's more so for men, because men I feel like they're not, maybe not quite as connected with God as women are. In some instances At least, I've seen that in my life.

Speaker 1: 53:59

I've seen that too. I would agree.

Speaker 2: 54:02

Especially men who are struggling with addictions to pornography or anything. They're stuck in a nice guy syndrome where they're just constantly fighting for some form of love or validation, because they don't typically love themselves. This is a major reason why I created Rise Undaunted. We have our basic program is called Abandoned Brothers. Basically, we just get together once a week and it could be in a local group. If there's enough guys in your area, we've created a local group. If not, it's online. Here's the whole purpose of that. The main purpose is for men to be able to go into that place and have a safe space where they can actually share something that they're struggling with or something that they did. The reason why that's important is because it is a place where they're going to receive unconditional love and acceptance from everyone there. No one is going to shame them, no one is going to criticize them. They're just going to love and accept them for who they are, no matter what they did.

Speaker 2: 55:17

To be honest, that is not something that always exists at the home, especially with a wife who's traumatized, who's constantly nagging about his addiction or whatever it is. That is not something that he gets at home. Unfortunately, that is not a lot of the time, what he can get at home. He has to have that place because for my story I cursed God. I did too. I'm not going to feel any love for him if I'm cursing him. Let's be honest. He might be sending me the love, but I'm sure he's not going to feel it. If I'm cursing him because he's never helped me conquer this 30-year addiction, I'm going to be angry and upset at him because I did all the things I was supposed to and it never helped. For example, having a place where maybe I'm not feeling love from God and I'm not feeling love from my spouse and I'm not feeling love from anybody else. Well, you can come to Ryzen and feel that love.

Speaker 2: 56:24

It's not pushy, it's just simply pure love and acceptance because, honestly, most of the guys you're talking to have probably been through the exact same thing that you're going through. They understand what it is and they know how important it is to just have that unconditional love and acceptance. Once you feel that love, then you can start to heal the wounds that are inside, and we all have them. We all have those wounds.

Speaker 1: 56:51

Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 56:53

This is why I say to the women that are feeling like they have to nag or that they feel like they have to get angry or feeling like they have to withdraw from their spouses Nobody's judging you for that, because it is a very, very difficult situation to be in.

Speaker 1: 57:13

You can understand each other better than what you think you can, because, even though maybe he's looking at pornography and maybe you're feeling like you have to close in on yourself like everything's imploding on you, the thing is is you both feel that way. You're acting out on it in very different ways, yes, but you're both feeling the fear of abandonment. You're both feeling the turmoil, the chaos. You're both wanting to connect with each other, but you're both afraid to do it. You're both afraid that if you come to the other person with what's really going on, that you're going to be rejected. You're both afraid of those things. Once we start actually addressing these things in our self, we give space. At that time, once we become emotionally healthy ourselves, emotionally mature, we give space for the other person to start doing the same thing.

Speaker 2: 58:21

Whoever starts it?

Speaker 1: 58:22

that's fantastic. You do, you give space. The other cool thing is I've actually recently started talking more about myself, about money in my coaching and stuff, because I feel like it is very much tied to love. It really really is right, because here's the thing before I didn't really talk about money much like you were saying earlier in my programs, but I noticed something very interesting Every single person that I was coaching came out of my program with more than what they paid for it. Oh, thank you. Every single time, even though we weren't talking about money, right, they were telling me about these successes.

Speaker 1: 59:13

I actually had one gal. Her husband ended up getting a better job. She got a pay raise that created an extra $2,000 for them a month. Right there, they had a car payment too that they were still paying. On. One day it was completely paid off just out of the blue. They called the bank. They're like what happened? We still owed $5,000 on this car. They told her that somebody walked into the bank and donated like thousands of dollars to pay off people's debts, just because they wanted to. They wanted to help. It was like $30,000 or something like that.

Speaker 1: 1:00:06

They paid off her car with that donation. Just because she started focusing more on love and the good people out there, it brought somebody to her to help. By the time I was done coaching her, she had like $3,000 extra a month.

Speaker 2: 1:00:26

Yeah, that's awesome.

Speaker 1: 1:00:27

That's what happens, and this is why I'm saying like, like we're really seriously saying that when we start focusing on the love.

Speaker 1: 1:00:37

Yeah communicate better. Right, we communicate in very, very clear ways. You know another really cool story that I got to share too.

Speaker 1: 1:00:48

Last summer I had someone that was very, very dear to me like majorly misjudging me. I was so upset and I was so mad Like how, how could they? Like what the heck Like? Why would you do that? Right, and I was really upset for like about a week or so, and as I was like communicating with God and talking to him, he talked to me about this very same thing, like is there enough love? And that's the question he asked me, right, like, are you seeing a scarcity of love? Are you seeing an abundance of love?

Speaker 1: 1:01:29

And I was like, oh right, and he's like, if one of your kids misjudged you, would it bother you? And I'm like, probably not, not like this. Like I would sit down and talk to the kids and be like you know, let's actually discuss this, right? Yeah, but the reason why it wouldn't bother me is because I have sufficient love for them. My love, my love for this person was lacking. Once I increased it, I was able to communicate in a very, very effective way to this person to help them see my point of view. And not only that, this person also agreed with my point of view and they were like I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing that.

Speaker 2: 1:02:24

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:02:25

Right, we learned to communicate better. We learned to accept the person, not what they're doing, just the person. Yeah, we learned, like what actions we need to take, because love gives us clarity and love takes us out of the scarcity mindset and we bring in all kinds of abundance to us.

Speaker 2: 1:02:46

Right, yeah, we're going to give them the benefit of the doubt when we love them. Yeah, right, and so it reduces the conflict, you know, and that just causes even more love, right, it's like you know anyways, yeah, for sure, I see all the time like I've had several guys who joined they're literally only paying $25 a month, but the fact that they're showing up and they're loving I've seen guys within two or three months of having huge, like 50% increases in income, you know, like massive or higher than that, and it's just so, it's so awesome to see because it really is tied, it's like. It's like scarcity, you know, of love is tied to scarcity of money, like you were saying.

Speaker 1: 1:03:35

Yes, yes, yes, there really is enough, and love is one of those commodities. It's not in short supply, oh yeah. And so if we want to focus on changing things, that's what we need to focus on.

Speaker 2: 1:03:48

Love it.

Speaker 1: 1:03:50

Love it. Trevor, thanks so much for being here today talking about this topic. I think this was fantastic.

Speaker 2: 1:03:57

Oh yeah, Thanks for having me.

Speaker 1: 1:03:58

Really really good. Yes, of course, and of course I'm going to have you back, right.

Speaker 2: 1:04:02

Right Love it.

Speaker 1: 1:04:02

Okay, all right, you guys, we'll have Trevor back. Let us know. Also, like what are some topics you'd love Trevor and I to con to cover in this podcast? If there's any questions you guys have for us, let us know and in the meantime, we'll see you guys on the other side. Bye, guys.

Speaker 1: 1:04:21

Okay, so I've got a question for you. Have you joined my free Facebook group or Instagram page yet? If you haven't, go and do that and this is the reason why I always post my freebies, updated information and all kinds of goodies for my community in that page I'm also really active. I post videos, I answer questions. So if you guys really really want to get in and interact with me, go like me on Facebook. Go join my group.

Speaker 1: 1:05:11

The other side of the struggle healing from betrayal trauma. Come find me on Instagram, aaron Anderson, betrayal trauma coach and come follow me, because I always have something good there just for you, my audience, and I love connecting with you there. I also post anytime that I have groups going on. I talk sometimes about my programs. So if you guys are interested in working with me or even just following me and getting as much free content as you possibly can, go hang out in my group, go connect with the ladies that are there Also. Come and join, immune and Unashamed for those married couples that are following me, because in that group, me and my business partner Kaisen Kidd are also talking and offering some great content. Thank you.