What to Do If You're Feeling Like a Failure

Ever found yourself mired in the quicksand of self-doubt after a deep-seated betrayal? You're not alone. Today's heartfelt conversation explores the treacherous path of betrayal trauma and the insidious ways it can lead us to brand ourselves as failures. We delve into the psychological underpinnings of this identity crisis, tracing it back to childhood experiences and survival responses that can sabotage our adult lives. But it's not just about understanding the roots of our pain—I provide actionable strategies to help steer you away from the precipice of self-criticism and towards a success-oriented mindset, where joy and a renewed sense of self take center stage.

In a world that often highlights our deficiencies, recognizing our intrinsic worth can feel like a Herculean task. I discuss the delicate art of self-love and the importance of celebrating the unique mosaic of who we are. By sharing glimpses of my own journey and those of people close to me, I hope to illuminate the resilience that lies in embracing our individuality and the power of maintaining unwavering self-belief. We also tackle the murky waters of toxic relationships and the profound impact they can have on our psyche. This episode is an affirmation of hope and the steadfast belief that we are capable of pivotal change—change that is rooted in faith, not marred by fear.

As we wrap up, the focus shifts to the critical role of setting boundaries and how they serve as the framework for reclaiming our power. I stress the importance of being our own anchors in life's stormy seas, fostering an environment of self-compassion and kindness that can genuinely alter how others perceive and treat us. Through introspection and an appreciation for our journey, even our failures can be reimagined as stepping stones to success. I extend an invitation to join me on social platforms, where we can continue to build a community that supports and guides each other through the twists and turns of healing from betrayal trauma. Let's embark on this transformative journey together, one where we emerge not just unscathe

For the Powerful and Profitable Trauma Informed Coach 5 Day Challenge, click on this link to join the challenge: https://www.kushlachadwick.com/5day-powerfulandprofitable

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:03

Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching. I am super excited that you tuned in today. Let's keep talking about how to heal from B-Trail Trauma. Welcome to the other side of the struggle. This is a podcast where we talk about trauma, how to heal it and then how to take it and use it to unlock your mission and your potential and to use it to live your very best dream life. When you're dealing with B-Trail Trauma, it can be hard to know how to heal it, how to stop the pain and to know what your next steps are to take in your own life, and these are the questions that we try to answer here. Trauma has the ability to rob us of our joy and identity, which is why it's so miserable to experience. But with the right tools and with the right mindset, we can totally reclaim that joy and even use this trauma to strengthen ourselves, so that way, trauma does not knock us off of our joy again. Living your dream life should be a non-negotiable, but trauma tends to try to negotiate that with you and even though trauma is not something that we will completely ever be free of in our life, the pain is negotiable. This is why I created Aaron Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching and this podcast is because I want my listeners, I want my clients, to live truly live free from the prison that trauma can put you in. I want you to live on the other side of the struggle. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle.

Speaker 1: 3:40

I'm super happy you guys are here with me today, especially as we talk about having feelings of being a failure, and part of the reason why this has come up this week is honestly because with my clients, with social media, with a lot of different people that follow me or talk to me, there's actually been kind of a resounding theme of feeling like they failed in some way, and I've noticed that this is actually a very common problem for people who have dealt with betrayal and trauma in general, especially in relationship trauma, from childhood trauma to any type of relationship trauma, marital trauma, right, and the reason being is because we tend to want to take some type of control over our lives, and when we're feeling like that control isn't there or we're feeling disorganized or we're feeling out of sorts in some way, it transmutes into feeling like a failure, like we've done something wrong, and so I've heard a lot of people talking about failing in their businesses, failing their kids, failing spouses, neighbors failing their pets, failing their coaches, failing their clients, failing in general, and I really want to make sure that I let you guys know how to navigate this and to give you some tools to help you get through this, because failure also has or feeling like a failure also can and I shouldn't say can it does lead to feeling like hopelessness, the why should I even try? And it can often lead us to making really, really bad decisions because we tend to believe that we are nothing but a failure. Right? People don't behave above what they believe about themselves, and so if we believe we're a failure, we tend to fail a lot, and we're all about success here. That's what I want to see. Healing is a success opportunity, and so feeling like taking on the failure identity is really kind of dangerous and we want to be very careful with that.

Speaker 1: 6:26

And so I want to talk about why, like why do we reach for that when times are struggle, when times are tough, when we're in that struggle, like, why do we reach for the failure label? Well, number one, it's actually a safety thing when we're in relationships that bring chronic trauma to us through abuse, gaslighting, neglect. We really want to find a sense of safety, Thank you. We want our relationships to be safe. We want our environment to be safe. Our brain is wired to keep us safe and so when something isn't making sense or something becomes confusing and we're not quite sure of how to navigate things, all of a sudden that feeling of safety kind of gets ripped away from us and the amygdala switch is on and you get immediately into that fight of fight threes or fawn response. Right, because that's our safety mechanisms and the reason why, like, it kind of doesn't make sense in a way, because we know as adults that we'll be fine to a degree, that we can take care of ourselves, right.

Speaker 1: 8:06

But the fear of abandonment is really real and it starts from infancy. If a baby is abandoned by its family, its mother, its community in general, it won't survive. And so the fear of abandonment is a really real thing because it does to our brain equal death from an early age. And so when we're feeling like people are neglecting us or abusing us or gaslighting us or not showing up for us in the very best, most healthy way, possible, right, we worry about becoming abandoned, we worry about becoming alone again and we go into this immediate, like people pleasing state. It is something that I see a lot of trauma victims deal with, especially like relationship trauma. Right, with the physical trauma there's more of that fight, flight or freeze type of response. But when it's emotional trauma and relationship trauma, we tend to go into the fawn more than anything and again, if you remember going into the safety mechanisms, right, we tend to search for safety by people pleasing, like the thought process is well, if I just do what they say, maybe they'll finally be happy with me and maybe they will be kinder or leave me alone, etc. Etc. Etc. Right, I think like this often really does stem from some type of childhood trauma when, say, like a parent is struggling emotionally with themselves and kids kind of have that ability to trigger us.

Speaker 1: 10:19

Right, and I'm not saying it's a good thing or a bad thing, but kids tend to have the ability to trigger their parents. And when you're already trying to deal with a lot of emotional baggage, that neediness from your kids can make you feel very, very angry and very, very crazy because you just know that there's nothing left to give right now. You don't have anything left, and so you want to distance yourself from the need right. And so when a parent is feeling that way, they tend to maybe yell at the kids, scream at them, maybe say things that they wouldn't necessarily mean. And again, I'm not saying that this is right, I'm just saying that this is kind of what's happening. And so, to the child, if this is a consistent problem, a chronic problem to them, they tend to get into this fond response that if I just do everything they ask, maybe they'll finally be happy with me, maybe I'll get some praise, maybe I'll get some belonging right.

Speaker 1: 11:32

But the problem with this and I see this also in married couples, I see this in like parents and children, like relationships can get really, really messy. Sometimes. Bosses and employees that's a big one actually too. Like an employee doesn't want to lose their job, and so they tend to over, do, overwork, believing that they're going to lose their sense of survival. But the problem with this is it creates like a really negative cycle where the person that's doing the abuse finds that they have control over the victim and that gives them that sense of power, and so they keep triggering the victim to get more out of the victim, and for the victim, though they're sitting there trying to control their environment and they feel like they have to please their their abuser. And so the cycle continues where the abuser triggers the victim to get something out of them and the victim allows the trigger, allows themselves to be abused, to get something out of the abuser right. And I know like a lot of times people don't think about it that way, but it's really a cycle of control.

Speaker 1: 13:09

You know, going through my own healing journey, I realized, even though people around me weren't necessarily being emotionally healthy and weren't making really great choices, I realized that a lot of what I did came from a desire to try to control them. So that way I was no longer getting hurt, I was no longer being the victim, like I could finally live in peace, I could finally have what I wanted, because I viewed the problem as being outside of me, in a sense, and granted, no, they shouldn't be treating you that way. And like the people that treat you unfairly or not good should not be treating you that way. But at the same time, you cannot expect someone to treat you better than the way you treat yourself, and I know that sounds harsh, but if I'm allowing somebody to control me by doing everything for them, like, for example, I would clean every little piece of my house before somebody came over, just to find some type of approval. But instead of approval I found that they'd find something wrong and I'd go back into the cycle, feeling like I'm not enough. You know, I've talked on the podcast before about, you know, the struggles that my husband's had with a pornography problem and I would try to control all the internet, control his phone. I'd scream and yell, I'd make threats, ultimatums like all those kinds of things, but it came from a desire to control him, so that way I would get a certain outcome. But the problem with this is we can only control one person at a time, and if we're too busy trying to control someone else, we are going to fill out of control ourselves, because we can't control ourselves. If we're trying to control someone else, we will fill out of control, and so this is why it's really important to take back our control and find out what else we can do Like what is it that we really need? How can we have our own backs Right? And I'll get into like how we can take back our control in just a little bit further into this podcast, so make sure you're paying attention for this.

Speaker 1: 18:27

The second reason why we feel like a failure is because we lack confidence in ourselves and our purposes. Maybe even we're not clear about what our missions and purposes are and who we are. That can lead to a definite feeling of failure. We might know, like, a few different pieces and we're grasping at them and we're starting to kind of put this together, but until we truly, truly know ourselves and you'll know yourself when you are proud of yourself consistently Right, this feeling of failure well, I wouldn't say never. It does come up with really, really confident people who know their mission, who know who they are and things like that. But it's not like a failure of I should just give up. There's no point Like, and it doesn't lead to despair, it leads to curiosity. Is what it does to a truly confident person when we're like, oh, I totally botched that Right. Like, oh, I didn't do that well at all.

Speaker 1: 19:49

We tend to say, well, number one, is it important enough for me to study this and figure out how I can do this better? And then, two, if the answer is yes, we go out and study it and figure out how we can do it better. So, for example, for me, I am a really really good artist. I'm a really really good singer. I get asked to sing in a lot of different places, throughout the state actually, and in a lot of different, for a lot of different groups, and it's fun, I love it, right, and I'm really confident in these areas.

Speaker 1: 20:28

But when it comes to sports, oh my gosh, you guys, I stink at sports. I am not confident at all in sports, right. I remember playing volleyball with my sisters in law and bless their hearts, like can I just shout out for them for just a second because they were so awesome, just to invite me. But instead of, like I had no idea what I was doing and so, like the ball would go behind me. I even hit one of my sister-in-law's, I think, in the head one time, accidentally with the ball, because I had no idea how to direct it, no idea how to serve it, no idea how to hit it, and I was a large reason why we consistently lost the games. But I also knew that it was important to my sisters-in-law to win these games and I wanted to show up for them. So I had to work harder than what they did to improve even just a little bit Enough to where we weren't consistently losing every single time. But I'm still not a great player, right? I'm still not super confident in that and a large part of that, I think, is just because it's not really my thing.

Speaker 1: 22:02

But I totally enjoy being with my sisters-in-law. I love them with all my heart and soul and I love the relationship that I gain with them and they're very sporty people so I get to dive into their world once in a while and vice versa. They love and respect me for my strengths, right, and they're very different, but that's okay. But the truth of the matter is I'm okay being really bad at sports and I think the reason why I'm okay with that is because I love myself for my strengths. But I can't do like I can't know my strengths if I'm consistently focused on what's wrong with me, like. What are my weaknesses? Like? Are they? Is it possible that they're right?

Speaker 1: 22:59

Somebody is sitting there tearing me down, calling me names, trying to make me feel less than what I am. Are they right? Is something wrong with me, right? And the thing is it's like it's easy to believe someone when they're constantly trying to tear us down because our brains are wired actually to believe more of the negative than what they actually are the positive. And the reason why they are is because we're all so spiritual beings. We are created to improve, to progress, to do better, and if there's a flaw we want to fix it. But it becomes overwhelming when we see flaw after flaw, after flaw after flaw and we focus on those things instead of our strengths, instead of the things that we're actually really, really good at.

Speaker 1: 24:04

And I've heard people who get stuck in this feeling of failure and then this feeling of despondence say that they're not good at anything and that there's no purpose to their life anymore. And that's not true. What that is, is it someone who is experiencing that lack of confidence and not really looking at their strengths, not really congratulating themselves for their works of art and their good intentions, their successes actually? Because there's really, honestly, if you sit back and you really look at your life, there really is more successes than failures. Every single day is a success. Sometimes, even just getting out of bed is a success. Brushing our teeth is a success. Making sure we've cooked our breakfast is a success, sometimes, like that's all simple successes and, yes, we want to build up to bigger successes right. But we can't do that if we believe we're a failure. It doesn't work Again, people don't behave above their self-belief.

Speaker 1: 25:36

They don't progress above their self-belief, and so when we show ourselves that we're a failure, of course we're going to feel broken. We also have conscience built into us, and when something is going wrong with our relationships, we want to fix it. We want to know if something is wrong with us so we can change it, and we want to trust the person that we love to tell us honestly if something is amiss, because that helps us again feel that sense of safety. But the problem is is when somebody is negative and toxic, they will rob you of your sense of self-trust. Someone who really actually is trustworthy will teach you to keep your self-trust. They'll encourage you to trust yourself. They will encourage you to see your successes, because that's what somebody who loves you does.

Speaker 1: 26:42

But if all they do is focus on, maybe, your weaknesses and how you're not good at something, or they constantly are tearing you down, that is a person that you need to be very, very, very like, leery, I'm sorry, leery of. And someone who tears you down wants something out of you. That's the honest to gosh truth, and it's usually not something good. They are there to manipulate you, because manipulation always leads to negativity, and it's a chronic negativity, and we tend to believe there are experiences that are affirmed to us over and over and over again, life reflected back at us, right? If somebody is going to consistently tell us that the fence is green and somebody else comes by and says that the fence is green and somebody else comes by and says the fence is green, pretty soon we're going to call that color green. We learn from other people and even if that fence is white, you're going to call it green.

Speaker 1: 28:06

We are herd animals and so we tend to lean towards the herd mentality. We want belonging right, and so, because of that, we tend to believe experiences that are reaffirmed to us over and over and over again, even though they might not necessarily be true. Oftentimes, especially if you're in a negative relationship, experiences that are reaffirmed to us over and over and over again really aren't about you. They're about the other person and their emotional hangups, their emotional immaturity and their emotional discordance with themselves. You just are in the way. That's it, number three, we want to hope again and see lasting change. We know that we are inherently the only person that can change our lives for the better and, like I said earlier, it's just literally part of our spiritual DNA, because we're spiritual beings, we are universal beings. We were created from love. We want to create with love and through creation of love. We do see that hope and we do see that lasting change, and so we are desperate to create those kinds of things.

Speaker 1: 29:36

So we try to people please, we try to make ourselves less than and put somebody else above us, and we literally give our control over to people. On a subconscious level, I'm like, no, no, this is conscious, but it's our subconscious that controls our behavior more than anything. Ok, someone who is actually consciously manipulating someone else, that person is quite sick, right, but most of the time it's actually a subconscious problem. And because it's our fears that are doing the talking over our faiths and you've heard me say this too faith and fear cannot exist together in the same hemisphere. So it's really important, therefore, that we live by faith over the fear. And someone, again, who lives by faith faith in themselves, faith in their ability to make things better, faith in their ability to make decisions that are going to improve their lives, that is, a person that isn't going to feel so much like a failure.

Speaker 1: 30:57

We often wonder why nothing is going right in our lives and our relationships, but it's not always necessarily our fault. You have other people that are really really having struggles around you too, and sometimes their struggles land on you Right. Then we take it on because we have our own emotional struggles, our own emotional turmoil, and we believe this to be something that's true. And the more that we view a lie as truth, the more we are grasping for hope and positive change. And the only thing that maybe we did wrong was to give up our power and our voice in some way because we valued, again, the relationship we have with them. Over our sanity and over our self. We literally throw ourselves under the bus just to make someone else feel important or good enough or as good as, or, etc. Etc. Etc. And that's never a good position. You get into relationships to be in equal with someone, and so if you are literally devaluing yourself to be in a relationship with someone, that means to stop very quickly.

Speaker 1: 32:29

And again, like I said, these are all subconscious behaviors in an attempt to create inner peace within ourselves and acceptance from other people around us. It's so important for us to have that sense of belonging, and so we tend to prioritize other people over ourselves, but that will never lead to belonging. Belonging is literally somebody prioritizing you as much as they do themselves, and so if you want belonging, you too have to prioritize yourself as much as you want someone else to prioritize you. Having safety is good. Desiring happiness of someone else is really good. To love is good. To have love in our lives is good. Having hope and positive change is good, but we tend to feel like a failure when we allow the negative voices to talk louder than our own voice.

Speaker 1: 33:36

I talk about this as the shoulder angel, shoulder devil. Right, I love the Emperor's New Groove Cronk. He's just awesome, like that was a very brilliantly crafted character and he's got this shoulder angel and shoulder devil that are sitting there talking to him and it's quite hilarious, honestly. But we have the same thing. We might not see them necessarily, but we have good and evil consistently pulling at us at all times, and we tend to listen to the negative, that adversarial voice, because it's a loud sucker, and that adversarial voice is talking to other adversarial voices from other people, trying to affirm to you what it wants you to believe, so it keeps you in a hopeless state, keeps you lost, keeps you feeling like that failure. This is why it's so important to get organized. This is how there's actually more than this just getting organized Like we're going to get into this but we create safety, we create confidence, hope, belonging, peace, positive, lasting change, without giving up our agency, by listening to this other voice, the angel voice. And the angel voice is a very quiet voice. It takes you actually getting very intentional Remember, that's that first pillar to actually hear it, because he's not going to speak very loudly because he or she, depending on what you are, what your angel is, right, they want you to believe them more and they're going to have a hard time telling you or getting you to believe them if they're going to yell at you as loud as the negative voice. And so if we're going to tune into the positive and that angel voice, number one, you've got to get organized, and I'm not talking about necessarily organizing your environment, right?

Speaker 1: 35:56

You guys, I love my house, I love my kids, but sometimes my house is an absolute zoo. Okay, I have six kids that live here from the ages of 16 to two, and my two-year-old. She's adorable, she's the sweetest thing ever, like you, just look into those big brown eyes and you just want to like, snuggle her and those cute, cute, cute little curls, right. But she is an absolute tornado. I can clean one area and get it really really, really super good. And I go into another area and I come back and find out that she's dropped ice cream all over my couch. And I keep the ice cream in the freezer I really do but she gets up on the chair, she climbs up there, she reaches out and she dumps ice cream all over my couch right or all over my carpet. Sometimes it's an absolute zoo at my house, right, but I'm not necessarily talking about that type of organization that comes after first.

Speaker 1: 37:08

When we organize our time, our thoughts and our emotions, then our environment will focus, will follow sorry, will follow that type of organization first. And the reason why this is is because, again, it gets down into that intentionality, right, things don't just randomly happen to us. If we're not being intentional enough to give ourselves some of our own time to really check in with our thoughts and our emotions and to get these things organized, we're going to feel chaotic and that chaos feeds into this feeling of failure. Okay, so, looking at time number one, if you want to get more organized in your time, go grab my freebie on erinandersonthetraumacoachcom and it is the organization freebie andI can't remember how I exactly named that, but if you go into the freebies tab it's right there. So go grab that and start organizing your time so that way you have time for yourself every single day. Right? You're going to want to make sure that you have time to really think, to reflect, to ask yourself some really, really good questions, and we're going to get into that in just a minute too. But if you remember this five step thought process, our thoughts lead to our emotions, which lead to our actions, which leads to our results, and so we have to get really, really clear with what our thoughts are that are creating the results that keep showing up for us.

Speaker 1: 39:19

If we believe that someone else is more important, or that we can't survive without them, or that we owe them something, right, that can be very dangerous. As a matter of fact, that is a very dangerous thing. People that are healthy don't feel like you owe them anything. They just want to show up for you because they love you, they like being around you and so to them. You are a source of energy to them that they don't have to siphon from you, that they get to give and receive with you.

Speaker 1: 40:04

Number two stop giving your voice and your power over to other people. Period, even someone who is good, they don't need your voice and your power. That is meant to stay with you at all times. Ask yourself getting into those questions right, getting into this time and really organizing our time, our thoughts, our energy. Why do I give this person so much power? What am I trying to get from them by giving this to them? Number one we know they don't deserve it. Even if they're a fabulous person, nobody deserves your voice and your power. It wasn't given to them in the first place. It should stay with you. So, in truth, it's really not fair to give it away. And even if somebody demands it from you, it's not fair to you. It's not fair to them to give it up. They already have a voice. They already have their own power. If they choose to misuse it and abuse it, that is on them, but you don't have to be a victim to it at all.

Speaker 1: 41:21

So if you feel like you're constantly being drawn into these things? Why are you giving this person so much power and ask yourself this question without judgment, with just the desire to listen? Remember our boundaries Listening boundary. You need to listen to yourself. That's so important and you need to make sure you have time to do it. And you want to ask yourself this question often because just asking it once you're going to get some wisdom. But if you're consistently asking yourself this question over and over and over it's a really good question You're going to get deeper and deeper and deeper into the roots of what's going on. Number three set really, really solid boundaries. You just talked about the listening boundary. Right, listen to yourself.

Speaker 1: 42:13

Ask yourself how can I treat myself better with more love, compassion, forgiveness and friendship? How can I be my own best friend? What does the best friend look like to me and how can I show up that way for myself? Well, best friend listens. They don't talk down to you, they're not derogatory in any way. And again, you want to ask yourself this question often so that way the answer becomes more clear what is the best friend to you? How can I show up this way and do consistent check-ins with that question, so that way you can really evaluate how you're treating yourself. You can't have somebody treat you better than what you're already treating yourself. It doesn't work.

Speaker 1: 43:06

So some people who are just fabulous and really, really good-hearted are going to treat you well, yes, but on a consistent like, to be consistently around you and to share of that love and that energy. That's going to be a bit of a different story, because if you are consistently tearing yourself down, you tend to become a bit of an energy vampire. And again, I say that with love and no judgment. Oftentimes people are totally oblivious to this, but we're so desperate for love, belonging and attention and best friendness that when somebody comes along and is kind, we tend to smother them a little bit because we're so desperate for it, without realizing that this is something we don't have to get from other people first, but this is something that we can completely and utterly give ourselves first. So some of the boundaries you might want to set with yourself are number one I don't speak negatively about myself to myself or anyone else.

Speaker 1: 44:19

I'm not going to think negatively about myself to myself or anyone else. I'm going to search for my strengths. I'm going to really focus on them. I'm going to congratulate myself for them. Hello to confidence, goodbye to failure. Hello to success, goodbye to failure. I'm going to go to bed early and get up early, so that way I have quiet time for me, just me. I'm going to get my time organized. I'm going to give myself forgiveness when I feel like I haven't met my goal. I'm going to ask myself some really good questions. I'm just going to do some checking in with me to see if there's something that I need to forgive myself for, that I need to love myself better, for I don't allow someone else to do my thinking for me. Those are all great boundaries, all amazing boundaries, and they'll come up.

Speaker 1: 45:18

If you're consistently listening to yourself, if you're feeling like a consistent failure or like there's no hope, this is actually also a sign that you're out of alignment with yourself, that you're not actually setting good boundaries with yourself. How can you, and what boundary do you need to set with yourself, to tell yourself to stop abusing you, to stop betraying you? Ask yourself some of those questions? Boundaries are all about how you choose to respond to situations, because that response teaches other people how to treat you too. See, if I feel like I'm a fantastic human, I'm going to treat myself like a fantastic human. I'm going to do fantastic human things. When failure comes my direction, it's okay. It's a step to success. It's not a sign that you're in the wrong space necessarily. It's simply a step to success.

Speaker 1: 46:27

If you are in the wrong space, just simply get to readjust and get clear on what is the right space for us to be in. This is going to mean that you take some time for yourself. You're going to go over and again. Like I said, take time. I can't emphasize that enough. Take time for you. Go over situations that you have already been struggling with, maybe currently in the past. Step away from the self-judgment, step away from the criticism. Step away from anything like that, even for the other person. If you ask yourself how could I have responded to that situation with more emotional maturity? How can I have improved that situation with a boundary, and sit there and kind of watch that play out the situation in your head, because You'll notice. You'll notice that you're on the right path, because it doesn't matter about how the other person is going to respond. It is all about how you respond to the situation and if you're responding well, even in your own mind and seeing this play over and over and over in your head, your confidence is going to come up and you're going to start feeling like that fantastic human Okay.

Speaker 1: 47:58

Fourth one get support, get support, get support, whether that be through a therapist and or or a coach guys, therapists are really really great for certain situations. Coaches are really really great for certain situations. It's actually a completely different craft. Okay, however, a coach is going to be very, very specific with your goal and Help you achieve a certain goal. So if you're saying, hey, I want better relationships, I want to have more confidence, I want to stop the gaslighting, I want to create boundaries right, those are all fantastic things that a coach can work with you on. But a therapist a really good therapist, I should say so make sure you get a good one. They will help you with the mental side of things a lot too, which does help bring up the goal a little bit more. But A coach is going to be a little bit more focused on your, your timetable right, and so they're going to give you like really really specific things to do, whereas a Therapist is going to help you like really really rethink the situation a bit more. Okay, so that's kind of the two differences between coaching and therapy, but Get support.

Speaker 1: 49:40

I Offer support, you guys. If you're someone who is really ready to take some serious action, schedule a call with me. Seriously, I would love to talk to you and I'm going to be honest with you too. I'm not going to try to sell you something. If you aren't a great fit for me and I'm not a great fit for you, I'm going to tell you and I'm going to tell you. You know, this is probably something you're going to need some therapy for, and I'll recommend some really fantastic therapists that I personally work with and they do an amazing job.

Speaker 1: 50:21

But if you're somebody that is really ready to get the coaching, I will talk to you about how we can work together and if that's something that is of interest to you, there's never any pressure. There's never any judgment. It's literally to assess the situation, to see if we would be a good fit, and for me to give you a few tools to help you along your journey. Right, that is what those calls are for. But I've had people come on to the calls before that Get like a loud distractions, get really, really distracted. They don't take what I say Seriously. They argue with me on those things, and so, if that's somebody, that, if you're somebody that's going to do something, no judgment again, but these calls are not for you.

Speaker 1: 51:19

These are calls for someone who's really seriously looking for answers and is really ready to get there, to do whatever it takes To get that result. They're done waiting To have what it is that they are truly wanting to have the boundaries, to have the relationships, to feel confident, to stop feeling like a failure. Right, they're really ready for that change. I'm happy to support you. So I'm gonna tell you guys, if that's you, go click on the link in the description Below, whether you're on YouTube or whether you're listening to this. There's a description, and in that description is a link to schedule a call with me, and I'd love to chat with you and help you out in the very above way possible, and I'd love to meet you anyway. So go schedule that call. Okay, get some port, get support, and if that's not for you, reach out to a therapist somehow. But these podcasts are great. Getting on YouTube can be great. Jimmy on relationships he's a fantastic youtuber that I totally recommend for you guys.

Speaker 1: 52:35

The thing is, though, is it's not individual support the reason why working with someone on a, on an individual basis, is so powerful is because it gets tailored to you specifically. So this is why I say reach out, get support. Okay, do what it takes to get that support you need. Alright, my loves, I hope this is helpful to you guys. Um, there's never any reason why failure Should lead to hopelessness. And if it does and you're feeling like there's just no point in continuing, or you're even getting little hints of that feeling Okay, um, and feeling that despondency, there's no reason why it should. There's no reason why it should. Check in with yourself, give yourself some grace, give yourself some love and just ask yourself what is one thing I can be consistent with today? Start creating some different habits that you can be consistent with, and I've given you a list of some really good ones, right, and the more we start creating different habits for ourselves, the more we start Having our own back, learning that we can trust ourselves, that we're going to do the right thing, and we start to see really, really lasting change. Alright, my loves, mwah, hope this was helpful for you guys and I will see you next week on the other side. Bye, guys.

Speaker 1: 54:29

Okay, so I've got a question for you. Have you joined my free Facebook group or Instagram page yet. If you haven't Go and do that, and this is the reason why I always post my freebies, updated information At all kinds of goodies for my community in that page. I'm also really active. I post videos, I answer questions. So if you guys really really want to get in and interact with me, go like me on Facebook.

Speaker 1: 55:05

Go join my group the other side of the struggle healing from betrayal trauma. Come find me on Instagram, aaron Anderson, betrayal trauma coach, and come follow me, because I always have something good there just for you, my audience, and I love connecting with you there. I also post anytime that I have Groups going on. I talk sometimes about my programs. So if you guys are interested in working with me or even just following me and getting as much free content as you possibly can, go hang out in my group. Go connect with the ladies that are there. Also, come and join Immune and Unashamed for those married couples that are following me, because in that group, me and my business partner, kison kid, are also talking and offering some great content.