The Boundary Creation Process

Have you ever felt like betrayal has not just broken your trust, but also fractured your sense of self? Join me, Erin Anderson, as I share my journey through betrayal trauma and the healing power of setting boundaries for self-love. In a heartfelt exploration, I discuss how I learned to silence my internal critic and become my own best friend. We'll tackle the delicate art of self-compassion, and I'll provide you with the tools to build trust and confidence from within. This isn't just about overcoming hardship; it's about reclaiming the joy and identity that trauma too often conceals.

Navigating the complexities of a marriage impacted by pornography is a road less traveled, and yet, many find themselves on this path. Within this episode, I delve into the sensitive process of setting boundaries that respect your values while avoiding conflict. Discover how to communicate your needs with calm assertiveness, maintaining your dignity in the face of challenges. I'll share how I maintained self-respect and crafted a life of independence, proving that self-confidence is the cornerstone for demanding and receiving respect in all relationships.

Finally, we move beyond the emotional to the practical as I underscore the value of logical boundaries in nurturing healthier relationships. Learn from my personal stories how to avoid the traps of reactive boundary setting and embrace a more thoughtful approach that aligns with your values and desired outcomes. I wrap up with an invitation to connect further, be it through personal consultations or engaging with our supportive community on social media. For those ready to take the next step, I introduce my boundary creator tool—an indispensable resource for anyone on the path to healing and empowerment after betrayal. Join me in this profound conversation, and let's walk together towards a future rooted in self-respect and fulfilling connections.

For the Powerful and Profitable Trauma Informed Coach 5 Day Challenge, click on this link to join the challenge: https://www.kushlachadwick.com/5day-powerfulandprofitable

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:03

Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching. I am super excited that you have tuned in. Today. Let's keep talking about how to heal from B-Trail Trauma. Welcome to the other side of the struggle. This is a podcast where we talk about trauma, how to heal it and then how to take it and use it to unlock your mission and your potential and to use it to live your very best dream life. When you're dealing with B-Trail Trauma, it can be hard to know how to heal it, how to stop the pain and to know what your next steps are to take in your own life, and these are the questions that we try to answer here. Trauma has the ability to rob us of our joy and identity, which is why it's so miserable to experience. But with the right tools and with the right mindset, we can totally reclaim that joy and even use this trauma to strengthen ourselves, so that way, trauma does not knock us off of our joy again. Living your dream life should be a non-negotiable, but trauma tends to try to negotiate that with you and even though trauma is not something that we will completely ever be free of in our life, the pain is negotiable. This is why I created Aaron Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching and this podcast is because I want my listeners, I want my clients, to live, truly live, free from the prison that trauma can put you in. I want you to live on the other side of the struggle. Hey, everyone, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle. Alright, guys.

Speaker 1: 3:39

So last week we talked about what is a boundary and what are the different types of boundaries. Today and I'm sorry, guys, you're totally gonna hear my kids in the background. They're noisy, they're home today and so you probably will hear them but I want to talk to you guys today about how do we actually create a boundary, and we're gonna use those different types of boundaries today because I feel like that's actually very important when it comes to creating the boundaries that you need for the different situations that come up in your life. So, for example, one of the things that I really, really want to suggest to you is to sit down and really get to know yourself. Okay, if you remember from last week, people that don't have good boundaries often find themselves feeling not confident, and to create good boundaries it actually does help us start to feel confident. It helps us to understand ourselves on a whole new level. Boundaries are really important to help bring up the confidence.

Speaker 1: 5:12

Because here's the thing when you're constantly violating your own boundaries or allowing somebody else to violate your boundaries, what message you're sending to your subconscious is I cannot trust myself. And if you can't trust yourself, then life becomes very, very terrifying and you tend to find more problems, more violations, more traumas. This is key to healing anything and to starting any type of boundary. So one of the things that like, if this is you and I don't talk to very many people that, where this is the case, but if you are insistent that you're worthless, you're not good enough, life doesn't show up for you. And if you are really, really married to that idea, I'm gonna tell you that boundaries are gonna be very difficult for you Because you're gonna tell yourself that you don't deserve them. What you deserve is to have other people consistently walk all over you and nobody, nobody, is gonna be able to help you. If that is your mindset, you have to be the first one to take the action of saying no, maybe I don't feel very confident right now, maybe I don't feel very heard, maybe I don't feel very important, but I'm not going to say that I'm not good enough anymore. I am going to start becoming my own best friend. So one of the things you're gonna want to do is ask yourself and I would really suggest journaling this answer out what does it look like to be a best friend Like? What would you want from your best friend? If your best friend like, say that your husband is looking at pornography, how would you want your best friend to respond to you If you're crying and if you're hurting? How would you want your best friend to respond and show up for you? What do you want to do with your best friend? How do you want your best friend to speak to you? These are all really really good questions, because you need to show up that way.

Speaker 1: 7:55

This does a couple of different things. Number one it starts to teach you to trust yourself. You cannot trust yourself if you are consistently violating yourself by your thoughts and even your actions. You have to start there by stopping the violation, stopping the bullying yourself. Some of you, this might not be a struggle, and if that's the case, I'm so grateful, but I know there are a few of you out there that probably do struggle with this. I'm not judging you if that's the case. But you're on this podcast listening to me and trying to do something different with your life for a reason. So take my advice on this one Figure out what you value, who you are, and start being your own best friend.

Speaker 1: 8:53

Don't judge yourself. Realize that you're going to make mistakes and if you totally blunder it up, okay, you're going to make mistakes, you're human. It's okay to make mistakes right, as long as we take the necessary steps to clean up our mess, that's all, and learn how to avoid those mistakes in the future, that's it right. But if we sit there and we beat ourselves up like, oh my gosh, I'm so stupid, what is wrong with me? Oh, I'm such an idiot. Blah, blah, blah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's bullying yourself, that is kicking yourself over and over and over again.

Speaker 1: 9:35

And, guys, I used to be so guilty of this too. I don't do it anymore. I had to stop that behavior because I was literally squashing my ability to be confident. And when I wasn't confident, I had zero boundaries. Zero Because I believed I couldn't do anything about it. And if I believe I can't do anything about it, well, I have given the do over to people that don't deserve it. The do needs to stay with me. What am I willing to do? That doesn't mean that I can't ask for help. That doesn't mean I can't delegate to people that do want to show up for me and do want to support me in what I do right, but that is still keeping the power of the do with me.

Speaker 1: 10:35

I am going to trust this person and if they break my trust well I know that is not something to do again right, I don't trust that person again. So who can I trust? Right? It's really important, especially if you're asking this question like how can I trust again? Well, set some boundaries with you. You cannot set any kind of clear boundary with anyone else if you are not willing, first and foremost, yourself to have boundaries with you. If you don't want somebody else sitting here talking to you in such a mean and disrespectful way, then you don't get to do it either. So one of the first things you'll want to do is you're going to want to ask yourself, like how do I really want someone else to treat me? This is where that whole best friend thing comes in, and then you treat yourself with the same level of respect and the same level of love and the same level of appreciation and consideration and patience and non-judgment. This will open up the doors for you to finally be able to start loving yourself. That is essential. It's not prideful, as a matter of fact. Not loving yourself is what starts the prideful actions.

Speaker 1: 14:36

People that don't love themselves are the ones that go out and intentionally try to hurt someone else because they're trying to protect themselves in a not healthy way, and it's a very sad thing to see. Think about, you know, when you were a little kid, that bully. That bully did not love themselves, and so they have to take control in some way. Okay, all right. So, with that being said, getting clear with who you are, your values and why you love yourself, okay.

Speaker 1: 15:23

Now I want to also bring to your attention that the reason why you don't like having like your boundaries even if you're not really clear on what they are the reason why you don't like them being violated, is because they are violating precious parts of you, right? So, for example, you know the husband who's looking at pornography. That doesn't feel good because it's violating you as a wife. It's violating you as a woman. It's violating these very, very precious parts of you. It's violating you in a sexual way. Right, you're now being compared to somebody that has no business like, has no place in your marriage. Porn has no place in our lives. Like, not at all. And not judging your husband, I know there's really really good men out there that have this struggle Okay, really good men out there that struggle with this, but it is important that they do get a hold of this and you know, if your husband is someone who wants some help, I would definitely reach out to Trevor Henniger. He was part of our podcast, you know, two weeks ago. Look up the rise and daunted men's group. Okay, Get. If he really wants some help, I would tell him to join that. Okay.

Speaker 1: 17:02

But the other piece to this is it does violate these very, very precious parts of you and it's important to understand what those parts are that are being violated. Okay, because then we can speak to that Right. We can say things such as I value our marriage, I value being a wife and a mother, I value being a woman. Pornography devalues those things at a very deep core level. I am not okay and I don't feel safe and I don't feel appreciated and I don't feel good when pornography is a part of this marriage, right. And I also want you to pay special attention to how I didn't use the word you in there, because you, if you're sitting there saying you did this and you're making me feel blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that comes across as attacking.

Speaker 1: 18:14

And a boundary does not attack. A boundary just simply stays put and doesn't move. Okay, like I don't know of anybody, like if you, if you go back to last week's analogy of the person jumping the fence right, the fence doesn't like rip itself out of the ground and like beat the person over the head. No, the fence stays put, right, it is us that show moves that person back to the gate and shows them where to enter. Right, but we don't move the boundary, and that's just simply stating what the bound, where the boundary is. I don't feel valued. I don't feel valued and appreciated as a woman, as a, as a mother, as a wife, as a person. Matter of fact, I feel very disrespected.

Speaker 1: 19:08

When porn is a part of this marriage, right, stating that boundary, it doesn't move. They might be able to come up with all these different types of excuses blah, blah, blah, blah, right, and you can say well, that's interesting that you see things that way. It doesn't change the way I feel about it, though. So if porn is going to be a consistent piece of our marriage, then this is what I need to do. Okay, and that might be. I need to leave with the kids. I need you to leave for a while. I need you to come up with a safety plan, otherwise I'm going to have to leave. Right, there's lots of different things, and I'm not saying that you have to leave the marriage.

Speaker 1: 20:04

If pornography is a piece of this, but if the person you love is not able to control it and they're not willing to work on it, then, yeah, that's probably going to be a piece of this, because it's like I said before. Porn is a type of satanic ritual abuse and it's a type of idol worship that does sacrifice the family, the women and the children to something that is very, very demonic and evil. But it's going to be very hard for you to set those boundaries if you are not confident with yourself and your ability to create a life on your own. So, if that's how you feel about the pornography, it is essential for you to, first and foremost, get very, very, very confident with you and who you are and what you can create. Okay, so boundaries are created first and foremost out of who we are.

Speaker 1: 21:16

Number two like I truly do love the fact that I'm a respectful person. I feel like I'm honest, I am a truth seeker, I love being a woman, I'm a mom, I am a coach Right, there's certain things about me that I truly do love and I don't want those pieces to be called into question or violated in any way. And so if somebody is going to come and trample my flower garden right or I'm going to number one, show up respectfully. Just because they disrespect me doesn't mean that I disrespect them back. I love the fact that I'm respectful, but that doesn't. This respect does not mean you let them trample the flower garden. No, that's disrespectful to you and it's disrespectful to them. And so the most respectful thing to do is simply show them the gate Right, let them come out, like show them where the boundary, like push them out of the boundary Right and simply state again and again and again and become that broken record. I'm not okay with this.

Speaker 1: 22:36

Okay, so, for an example, like I said, my business is very precious to me, it's very important to me. I put a lot of time and effort and money actually into this, to grow it. So that way, I'm helping you, my listeners, I'm helping my clients. I'm helping people heal trauma, create boundaries and create a life for themselves that they can be proud of, right Like, and relationships they can be proud of, that show up to love them and cherish them and support them. You're like, yes, let's do that Right, but I read well, it's not super recent, but I had someone call that into question. They were really angry at me and what they said was something along the lines of well, yeah, I wish I could just sit in front of the computer all day, talking to the camera and goofing off and acting like I didn't have a life. Right, not very nice, it wasn't very nice, but that is somebody trying to bait me.

Speaker 1: 23:45

Now, one of my self boundaries is I don't allow people to bait me Right, because I don't have to prove anything to anyone. That is a boundary that I have set for myself. It's one that you can totally take and use. I don't have to prove it. I'm not here to prove myself to anyone but me, right, I am here to love me, I am here to respect and honor me and I am here to create the very best life I can with God. That is what I am here for, so I don't have to prove it to anybody and for that, what I say is that is a very interesting perception. You're welcome to believe that if that makes you happy no disrespect there. You're giving that person space to their own thoughts. You're not there to try to change them. You're not there to try to change the way they think. You're not there to shift their perception in any single way. If that person keeps trying and they will, if they keep trying to bait you, you just keep saying that. That's another interesting perception. You are welcome to believe that if that makes you feel happy and if it continues, you're also welcome to say you know, this conversation is feeling very one-sided and starting to feel very disrespectful, I'm going to leave the conversation and maybe when both of us are feeling in a more respectful place, then we can re-zoom and walk away Again.

Speaker 1: 25:51

A boundary is one about the respect. I'm going to stay respectful, but I'm not going to prove it. Okay, that's respect. A boundary is all about you staying true to yourself, and three hello four. I've got four fingers up. The third thing is it's going to be you stating what you are going to do. It's about how you act, how you behave and how you stay true to yourself, regardless of how someone else chooses to show up in your space. Okay, boundaries don't move. And if you're feeling like there's this boundary, that's kind of wishy-washy that maybe you're feeling guilty of, well, that's a boundary that was not anchored in. Well, that's a boundary that fell over. Okay, with a fence, you have to anchor it into the ground in order for that fence to stay upright, to stay strong and to stay solid.

Speaker 1: 27:06

A boundary is also not created out of an emotion. Okay, angry people are not always wise, says Jane Austen, and she's absolutely right. It doesn't mean that we can't feel anger and that we should push anger away. No, we need to be very, very comfortable and in tune with our emotions, right? But all that means is that we don't make decisions in anger. We can set a boundary with ourself again here that I'm feeling angry and I don't want to get out of control. So I am stopping the conversation now and I am going to go calm down and really process this emotion.

Speaker 1: 27:47

Okay, a boundary is there to help you be very, very clear with another person. So there's no miscommunication, there's no questions, right? See, if your husband comes home and you catch him watching porn, or you catch porn on his phone or something like that, the temptation is to yell and scream and tell him he's sleeping out on the couch or to tell him to leave. But the problem with that is, after the emotion calms down, now, all of a sudden, we're left with guilt, and then your husband begs you to come back and you're feeling bad for how you reacted. So you let him back in, right, and the process continues.

Speaker 1: 28:37

Cycles, negative cycles, are created this way. We get into the emotion, we make a decision out of the emotion, the emotion dies down, we realize maybe you were a little too hasty or too harsh in the decision, or we doubt the decision in some way, and then, all of a sudden, everything unravels and we're back to feeling the emotion and we're in this vicious cycle. Okay, boundaries are not created that way and, as a matter of fact, that's a leaky boundary. That's the very definition of a leaky boundary. So what we need to do, then, is to realize that boundaries need to be set on logic and not emotion. What point, therefore, does emotion have a place in our boundaries. Well, number one the emotion is the attention gutter. Okay, if you're feeling angry, if you're feeling violated, if you're feeling frustrated, if you're feeling those things, that is an invitation to you to realize that there needs to be a boundary set, not to set it in the moment. You need to get clear on what that boundary needs to be and set it in a way where you can set this consistently and still feel at peace with yourself, not feel guilty for setting the boundary Any time. Any time you set a boundary in anger, most likely it's going to come back as guilt afterwards. Okay, because boundaries are not knee-jerk reactions.

Speaker 1: 30:40

Boundaries are things that actually take some planning and some time and some communication with yourself. Remember, you've got to listen to yourself, talk to yourself right and ask yourself what it is you truly want. Getting into that five-step thought process, what is the result you're looking for? We create a boundary by checking in what's the emotion that's happening? Right, that's usually where we get the attention. So that's a really good place to start in that five-step thought process is what's the emotion?

Speaker 1: 31:22

But what is the result you're actually wanting? Maybe it's to have a deep, loving, connected, respectful and cherished relationship with your spouse. That is a very good result. That is a good desire, right. And if the circumstance is your husband's been looking at pornography, right, you can see the disparage from the result. You can't have that type of connection if pornography is a piece of your marriage. So we start backwards. We start with the result, okay, because, remember, boundaries are all about what we're going to do. So the result is I want to have a deeply loving, connected, cherished relationship with my spouse. I want to be loved, cherished, seen and connected. And I want to love, cherished, see and be connected. Right, I want to have that. That's the result.

Speaker 1: 32:28

So how do we need to behave? What are the actions that we need to take in order to have that result? See, if we're having a knee-jerk reaction to our emotions, we're just kicking them out on the couch. I'm not saying that's necessarily bad, I'm just saying you don't want to do that out of emotion, you don't want to do it out of punishment, right. That's where we get into the guilt and start that really vicious cycle.

Speaker 1: 32:57

But if you're simply saying something along the lines of well, if this is what I want, then number one, I need to be very clear with who I am. I need to be very clear with what my boundaries are. I need to know how to communicate those boundaries well. Right, I need to keep like keeping you out of the boundary. It's all about how you're going to act, how I am going to act. We keep the eyes in the boundary. I'm going to keep my eye on the prize. So those are some actions you can take and that can lead you to feeling very confident in your situation.

Speaker 1: 33:46

If you're feeling confident, you're much more likely to take those actions and get those results right. I'm feeling confident. I'm feeling like I can control myself. I'm feeling clear, I'm feeling peaceful, I'm feeling safe. I'm feeling respectful of me. I feel like I can trust myself. Oh my gosh, you guys. How many people want that right? And what are the thoughts? I've got this. I'm in control of my situation. I know what I need to do. I love myself for what I need to do, right? So there's the thoughts. And so if your husband's addiction is meeting those thoughts immediately, instead of making you feel all crazy and out of control, you're still more likely to get that result. Okay. And even if your husband consistently violates that boundary, you're still going to feel like okay, well, here's where I need to adjust. This is what I need to do moving forward right. When you have that confidence and that peace that you can create your safety and that you are not going to be the one to betray yourself simply because you're unsure of what to do next, then you're going to have clarity with the situation and maybe that does mean the end of your marriage, so that way you can have that result with a spouse, but maybe it also means that your husband starts taking more accountability. Those are really the only two options, and you've got to decide at what point things are worth it for you. Okay, all right.

Speaker 1: 35:49

So, in a wrap up, how do we create a boundary? Well, number one you need to know who you are and what you value. Number two you need to check in, pay attention to how you're feeling. Get into that five step thought process right. Write out the five step thought process what do you need to think, what do you need to feel, what do you need and how do you need to act to get the result you're looking for? Okay, number three become a broken record. You keep stating it over and over and over again the boundary does not move. Remember boundary stays solid. The only thing that moves is the other person, as you show them where the gate is, so that way they can learn to respect your space.

Speaker 1: 36:47

If you would love some help also creating your boundaries and learning how to try, and confidence in yourself so you can create these boundaries. Maybe you'd like to stop the gaslighting. Maybe you would like to create the relationships that show up to support you. If your husband is dealing with an addiction and you are ready to step into safety, confidence and peace with solid boundaries, feel free to reach out to me. Okay, we can come up with a plan to help you take your next steps forward. Maybe that plan is to get yourself into a financially secure place. Maybe that plan is to create your boundaries. Maybe that plan is learning how to communicate in a much more concise way, so that way, your husband can start taking accountability and responsibility for his actions.

Speaker 1: 37:44

Right, if that's you and you would like some help with any of your relationships, including the relationship you have with yourself, feel free to scroll down in the description below whether you're on the podcast or whether you're on YouTube. The description below How's my scheduling link? Click it. Find a time that works for you. Let's chat so that way you can have some clarity in your next steps moving forward. These calls are 100% designed for you. There's no pressure, there's no judgment, just love and my desire to help you find your next few steps. And if, from there, you do want to look at what it would look like to work with me, we'll schedule another call and we'll chat about that.

Speaker 1: 38:46

Okay, but I do desire to help you. I want to see you have the relationships that you deserve, especially with yourself. And so, yeah, go grab that. Go grab yourself some time with me. Okay, also, grab the boundary creator, a new PDF that I, the new freebie that I just created. That should help you as well. Okay, you can find that on my website, aaron Anderson, the trauma coachcom. And until then, my loves from my heart to your heart. I will see you on the other side, guys. Bye. Okay.

Speaker 1: 39:42

So I've got a question for you. Have you joined my free Facebook group or Instagram page yet? If you haven't, go and do that and this is the reason why I always post my freebies, updated information at all kinds of goodies for my community in that page I'm also really active. I post videos, I answer questions. So if you guys really, really want to get in and interact with me, go like me on Facebook.

Speaker 1: 40:17

Go join my group the other side of the struggle healing from betrayal trauma. Come find me on Instagram and Anderson betrayal trauma coach and come follow me because I always have something good there just for you, my audience, and I love connecting with you there. I also post anytime that I have groups going on. I talk sometimes about my programs. So if you guys are interested in working with me or even just following me and getting as much free content as you possibly can, go hang out in my group. Go connect with the ladies that are there. Also, come and join Immune and Unashamed for those married couples that are following me, because in that group, me and my business partner, kaisen Kidd, are also talking and offering some great content.