Self Worth, the Non-Negotiable in Setting Strong Boundaries

Struggling to stand your ground in the face of adversity? You're not alone. Today's journey starts with the art of setting boundaries, a testament to the unspoken strength that comes from self-worth. Through heartfelt stories from my own life and those of my clients, we navigate the tumultuous waters of reclaiming our identity after trauma. It's a raw look at the mental battles we face, the importance of true love and honesty in our interactions, and the inescapable connection between knowing our worth and protecting it with unyielding boundaries.

In the familial tapestry, where threads of personal accountability and communication must be weaved with care, we explore the delicate balance of teaching our children the importance of self-respect. Join me as I confront the often avoided discussions around sexual relationships, emotions, and the value of waiting for marriage. Through these candid conversations, we'll uncover the emotional wisdom that fosters healthier connections and shines a light on the personal growth awaiting those who choose to honor their intrinsic value.

Ending on a note of reflection, we look to the example set by Jesus Christ, whose life exemplifies the epitome of love and the courage to defy evil. Embracing such characteristics can guide us in our quest to establish firm boundaries in our lives. Don't forget to connect with our vibrant community on Facebook and Instagram for ongoing support and resources. With every tale shared and every boundary set, we move one step closer to healing and thriving in self-worth.

For the Powerful and Profitable Trauma Informed Coach 5 Day Challenge, click on this link to join the challenge: https://www.kushlachadwick.com/5day-powerfulandprofitable

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:03

Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching. I am super excited that you tuned in today. Let's keep talking about how to heal from B-Trail Trauma. Welcome to the other side of the struggle. This is a podcast where we talk about trauma, how to heal it and then how to take it and use it to unlock your mission and your potential and to use it to live your very best dream life. When you're dealing with B-Trail Trauma, it can be hard to know how to heal it, how to stop the pain and to know what your next steps are to take in your own life, and these are the questions that we try to answer here. Trauma has the ability to rob us of our joy and identity, which is why it's so miserable to experience. But with the right tools and with the right mindset, we can totally reclaim that joy and even use this trauma to strengthen ourselves, so that way, trauma does not knock us off of our joy again. Living your dream life should be a non-negotiable, but trauma tends to try to negotiate that with you and even though trauma is not something that we will completely ever be free of in our life, the pain is negotiable. This is why I created Aaron Anderson B-Trail Trauma Coaching and this podcast is because I want my listeners, I want my clients, to live truly live free from the prison that trauma can put you in. I want you to live on the other side of the struggle. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle. I'm really excited you guys are here.

Speaker 1: 3:42

We're talking about self worth and how this is actually a key pillar in setting really good boundaries that tend to stay solid and unmovable when people try to push them or when they disrespect them. We've talked a little bit about boundaries and the different types of boundaries, but really there's different pillars to our boundaries, different things that hold up the foundation, like respect, love and I'm not talking about the kind that's mushy and causes, like where you tell someone that it's not their fault, like where you coddle them that's not love, that's actually disrespect in a big way. True love is the truth. Truth and love are actually very, very one in the same. Because we give somebody the truth in the hopes that they can use that to live their best life, it isn't because we want to see something from them or one up them, or I got you, or anything like that. It's because we want them to be happy, so we're going to give them the truth regardless of their emotion, right? But this is or I should say, regardless of their emotional reaction.

Speaker 1: 5:09

But this is the reason why it's so important to have self worth in the boundary setting process, because if you don't have a great self worth and it's something that we all, I don't want to say struggle with, but I'll need to improve even me, and I've been doing this stuff for 10 years right, and my self worth I'm still finding pieces to build into it and to solidify it and to make it stronger. But, that being said, that doesn't mean that I'm not immune, like that. I'm immune to somebody else's emotions. Sometimes, right, I've sometimes still found myself kind of getting thrown when someone shows up in an emotional rage simply because I use the truth with them, right? But my boundary still stays in place because it's cemented there with my own self worth, okay. So it's really important to gain self worth and to understand who you are when setting a boundary.

Speaker 1: 6:27

Now the last couple of episodes, you know, I talked about boundaries and then we had another fantastic episode with Trevor Henniger, and we had another really good episode with oh my gosh, jeannie Spear, I'm sorry you guys. I'm trying to think like I've got a lot of episodes happening right now. Obviously, this episode is being recorded before those episodes have come out. We've had a lot of talk about like setting boundaries with God, connecting with God, how to live in an abundant mindset, and this is all something, and also like with setting boundaries, right, but these are all pieces that kind of come into our self worth and we're going to talk a little bit about self worth, how to set it, and then also like how that transmutes into your boundary setting process. Okay, so first let's talk about what self worth is and how to gain it.

Speaker 1: 7:36

Okay, so, number one, a self worth is a deep understanding of who you are and you're proud of that person. Okay, and that is something that takes, I think, some effort to get to an actual mental journey, some mental lifting. Okay, I had a client just the other day and normally I schedule with my private clients at least an hour and a half to two hours to get with them and to chat with them and to get kind of through their things right and what's going on with them that week. But this particular client could only handle roughly about 20 or 30 minutes After that, you could literally see like the exhaustion come over them and they were kind of mentally checking out, and you know, no judgment against this person at all. But I just noticed this and so I stopped the session for a second and I simply asked and we were talking about the self worth, right and I simply asked this seems really heavy for you. What do you mind me asking, is happening? And they just mentioned that these are things that they had never considered, never thought of before, and that their brain was just feeling overwhelmed and overloaded.

Speaker 1: 9:07

And the thing is is I actually see that happen more than once. We had to cut the session short and I had to send them on with some homework to do throughout the week, okay, but I see this more than once when somebody is working on their self worth and they've got all of this mental chatter happening in their head, and that mental chatter is often not supportive or conducive to the goals that they have set for themselves or what they want to do, how they want to change. It's actually their sabotaging their ability to get the results that they want and they find themselves really frustrated and they find themselves really stuck and it also correlates almost exactly to the way that their boundaries are being created. This person that I was talking with, this one client they were really struggling with creating boundaries and holding to the boundary and having any kind of new boundary Because they didn't understand it. And this actually happens to be a person that I know personally and I have watched people literally mow them over over and over and over again as this person tries to stand up for themselves or tries to set a boundary or anything like that, and they're finding that their relationships often do mow them over and so they feel like they can't set boundaries. They have a misunderstanding of what boundaries are and it comes down to the fact that they misunderstand themselves.

Speaker 1: 11:06

If you remember, we've talked about boundaries and how it comes down to understanding your values and understanding the pieces of yourself that you love, like your values and your characteristics. These are crucial components to your self-worth. These are things that you really really are proud of with yourself, especially when you live them okay, but if we tell ourselves that we're not worth it, then we don't go get it. We actually tend to go the opposite direction of the things that we want. We tend to often sink into self-betrayal, and it's not necessarily your fault.

Speaker 1: 11:57

Most of the time, people that come to my coaching doors. They have struggled with generational trauma. They've struggled with childhood trauma and people consistently showing up and telling them that they don't have the worth right In some way or another or that's not necessarily what the people are saying, but that's the message that they've taken away Through maybe a negative experience or a negative behavior from someone else they might be saying, well, I'm not worth it. A really good example of this is a wife whose husband is dealing with pornography. Right, she might look at these other women who've been airbrushed and say to herself, well, I'm never going to achieve that standard and so I must not be worth it, I must not be lovable, I must not be pretty enough, I must not be good enough, and so we have these doubts in our mind about the enoughness of ourselves. Right, and because we're afraid of ever being enough and having enough worth, like really really realizing that, because then that means we're going to have to achieve something different, right? And that's uncomfortable, because if we were sitting down in a negative self-worth or a low self-worth, it's very hard to see or to feel the kind of energy that amazing creation takes If you don't realize that that's already a part of you, that's already there, right, that you don't really have to do much.

Speaker 1: 13:44

When you believe in yourself, you attract good things. You're going to go out and create good things because you have a high self-worth and a high self-love, okay. So why is that important in setting boundaries? That's actually a really good question, and the reason why it's important is because, again, your boundaries are violated when there's a value or a characteristic being called into question, right, like, for example, taking the woman whose husband has been dealing with addiction. She probably values her family, she values safety, she values peace and so she values having a family that is connected and who does things together.

Speaker 1: 14:47

And pornography causes a big rift and all that. It just kind of tears all that apart. It causes mistrust, it causes miscommunication, it causes a low self-worth, a low self-esteem. People don't behave above what they believe about themselves, right, and so it is calling. It's breaking that boundary. It's kind of putting a cut in that value, right, it's jeopardizing those values, it's injuring those values. That is why this is so hurtful to her. But without a good self-worth, it's really hard to set a boundary, because you sit there, and I see this all the time in Facebook forums. I see this all the time in online, in my clients sometimes, where they say things like he's done this, he's done this, he's done this, but I still love him, and I feel bad for telling him he has to sleep on the couch, or telling him that we're leaving or all of these things. Right, and it's because she. This is actually a really good example of someone who doesn't see their self-worth. Again, not their fault, and again, there's no judgment when I say this. Right, but this is a person that struggles seeing their own self-worth because they are putting the worth of someone else in front of her own.

Speaker 1: 16:40

If you remember the relational tears and if you don't go back and re-listen to that episode, it's down there somewhere, so you'll have to take a look at it and see if you can find it. But you have your relationship with God, or your highest form of love, your relationship with self. Next, you cannot behave above your self-belief, right? You have to believe you are amazing, and so if you're putting somebody else's worth ahead of your own, you're trying to skip that entire tear in the relational tears and it doesn't work that way. The clearer you see yourself, the clearer you can see someone else, and the clearer you can see someone else, the clearer you can actually set boundaries for yourself that benefit you and the other person. Now, granted that other person might not love the boundary, they might actually resist the boundary, they might fight against the boundary, right, but you still get to sit in the winner's chair If they want to come and join in and realize that living this boundary means that they get a deeper connection with themselves and, through that, everyone else. Well, that is a win-win situation, right.

Speaker 1: 18:00

But you can't do these things if you're putting someone else ahead of yourself, someone else's wants, needs and desires ahead of your own. Heavenly Father created you or your highest form of love, whichever one you choose to believe in, right, you were created out of love, out of intention, out of actual calculated planning and with the very best of what the creator had. And it's good to see that in other people. But you will never see it clearly in someone else until you, first and foremost, see it clearly in yourself. If your husband is struggling with addiction and you're like, oh, but I love him, I want to see the best for him, that's all great and fine, but you cannot Actually do what's best for him until you do what's best for yourself and Best for your family. In these moments you have to put these things on the table, because then you actually will start to see the true version of this person and Be able to act accordingly. See, it's one thing to see the addiction and to react to the addiction.

Speaker 1: 19:44

When I was first, you know, dealing with my husband's struggles right, and we were newly married I didn't know what all of this meant, but I realized, like, how bad it hurt. I Remember getting super angry at him and I felt like I was fighting against him all the time. But once I started understanding who I was and I gained a deep awe and appreciation of that person, I Saw my husband so much clearer and my communication became clearer. So instead of calling him names and telling him he was horrible and how could he do this to me again and I'm divorcing you and blah, blah, blah. I'm not saying divorce is a bad thing. Okay, sometimes that's necessary, but because I Wasn't seeing things clearly, I didn't react in clear and clarity either, and that often caused him to sink deeper into the problem. However, when I truly saw myself, understood myself and loved myself deeply, deeply and truly. I Was able to see those same things in my husband, and so, instead of Getting angry and reactive, I Became an active listener, an active supporter, and I actually made him an active participant in the boundary.

Speaker 1: 21:31

Now, granted, he didn't get to set all the boundary right, but it became a discussion what should we do about this Right? Because we can't keep having this in our home. This is not okay, is Putting the kids in jeopardy, is putting their futures in jeopardy, and it's causing dysfunction. What do we do? We can't keep doing this and you're struggling with this. So what are some things that do you feel like you can do? So that way, this stops. I need you and this was my boundary I need you to communicate those things with me so that way, I know what to expect, how, like how I can intend to act, how I can support you. What do I need to do? Because just sitting back and doing nothing isn't an option. That's not helping, but also being like the one that was completely in charge of the problem also was not helping.

Speaker 1: 25:04

This caused him to start being more Accountable to himself, and that is exactly where you want someone when their actions are violating your values and your self-worth, accountable to themselves. When you have a good self-worth, though, you also understand that it's not you that's responsible for stopping somebody else's bad behavior. You realize that they have their own agency, but you also have the superpower of your own agency. So what are you going to do with it? How are you going to use it? How are you going to change the course of what's happening With your own agency? That is your superpower, and the more you get clear on who you are and what, like, your intrinsic worth is which is a truly humbling moment, let me tell you the more you're able To see the situation clearly and what to do. Okay, it's what happens, though, when we try to set boundaries, when we don't have a good Intrinsic self-worth, when we don't really understand that well, that's where we get the leaky boundaries right.

Speaker 1: 26:40

Um, there's another podcast it's called beyond bitchy, but by Vicki Tidwell Palmer really good podcasts on boundaries. Go listen to it, you'll love it. But she mentions in there about like a leaky boundary and it's. She uses the example of, say, you're at a company party and, and there's just this one person there that everybody knows as being just kind of loose with with their morals, right, and they show up at the party Really really scantily cladly dressed maybe they've got this plunging neckline and this really really short skirt. That doesn't really leave much the imagination and they're getting on people's desks, they're leaning over and they're being very provocative, right, just to get anybody to come home with them and sleep with them. Right, that's a night.

Speaker 1: 27:47

That's someone or an example, or an kind of an extreme example, of someone who has really leaky boundaries. Right, their boundary is I. I Want sex tonight with anyone that can that will give it to me, right, but the consequences of that behavior are many. We've got stds that we have to worry about. We have to worry about, you know, a possible A stocking situation after that. Um, you know, we have to have some boundaries, some really deep-seated boundaries around our sexual energy, right, when we don't have those, bad things kind of tend to happen.

Speaker 1: 28:40

But the other thing about that person is, this is actually a good example of someone who does not understand their self-worth, right, one of the reasons why I am a deep believer in having a sexual relations after marriage only like this is not something we do until we are married to the person we love, we cherish, we value deeply, and the reason why is because, you know, a sexual encounter is actually a very deeply vulnerable encounter, which is also one another reason why you know, like pornography is is deeply, uh, damaging To the spouse, is because this is like a time where they're sharing the most vulnerable pieces of themselves and it's not enough. Right, they're sharing the most private, most inner parts of themselves with their spouse and it's it's not enough. That's another reason now hurts so bad is because we value being enough, we value being everything to someone else. But this person who wants just a one and done, who Is just willing to sleep with whoever, they're not really seeing that worth, they're not waiting for somebody to come and Share that worth with them. Right, when we're having sexual encounters before marriage, then we end up Feeling the pain of Comparison. You might have had an, a sexual encounter, encounter with one person and then A different person later, and the pain is, as you can say, oh I know you're not going to give me a great sexual encounter and and you tend to compare the two. And that's very heartbreaking, because then you're always looking for that next better encounter, always feeling like you have to have more, and so you become more at risk of Damaging your relationship with yourself. You become more at risk of damaging your relationships with others Through this comparison and feeling like you're never going to have what it is you want. Maybe it's it's not good enough, right it? It's a good idea to only explore these, these pieces, with just one person, right? That's why we do this and that's one of the reasons why having the boundary of I will have no sexual relationships until after marriage, is it? That's one of the reasons why it's important.

Speaker 1: 31:56

A person that has a good self-worth often does feel that way. Now, I might have just lost 50% of my audience saying that, because that's not something that the world or most people have a view of. They feel like if you're deeply in love with that person and you've had a committed relationship, it's okay to have sex with them, right, but those relationships still can dissolve. And, granted, even a marriage can dissolve, right, but there's certain commitments that you make to each other in a marriage. Take the person that is just trying to take somebody home to sleep with them from that company party, right? This is a person that doesn't think they're worth anything better when you realize that you have that or that you're worth the very best. You wait for the very best.

Speaker 1: 33:05

This is part of the reason why we also have the boundary the money boundary of I'm going to go out and earn my keep. I want to work for what I have or what I get. Right, we feel sometimes, I hope, that we have the ability to go out and create money, or we feel like we have the ability to go out and serve other people and provide a need for them, right, and these are things that bless our self-worth. They increase our self-worth. When we have these beautiful boundaries and we go and live them, we tend to attract good things to us and our self-worth increases because we learn to trust ourselves. When, however, we're focused on all the negative and all the things that aren't going right, we tend to blame ourselves, betraying our own trust and telling ourselves that we can't have trust in ourselves anymore. Right, so the boundary tends to crumble. We tend to have really leaky boundaries when our self-worth isn't good and because we become desperate in those moments, we feel like we're desperate for money, desperate for attention, desperate for friendships, desperate, desperate, desperate. And so why have any boundary? We just want stuff in our space, but that creates chaos in our lives, and when we have chaos, we can't see truth, and more chaos projects more chaos. Boundaries give you the ability to create order in your life, to create that safety, to create the calm, and it has to, first and foremost, be because you believe that you are worth it and that you can do it. So how can we increase our self-worth so we can solidify our boundaries and to make sure that we don't have leaky boundaries or no boundaries, or I mean it's understanding of what a true boundary is?

Speaker 1: 35:44

Ok, well, number one, I really, really love doing a thing called a characteristic study. Ok, now, what I suggest doing is, you know, I love diving into scripture and looking and reading like the characteristics of the prophets and the people that are in the scriptures, right, like King David in the Old Testament. He wasn't a perfect person, no, and he definitely had a sexual trial, right, but he also had some really, really fabulous characteristics like honor, valor, courage, a loyalty to God, respect. He was actually very respectful. There's actually a really awesome story about when he was actually not going to be respectful to somebody because they didn't respect him and the man's wife heard about this and before David laid waste to his, this other man that disrespected him until like before. He gave justice and laid waste to his city and you know, his home and his flocks and his herds and things like that. Some other man's wife came out and gave David like all the food that he had been promised, like in more, and she asked to have the sin be upon her head. This is Abigail. Ok, and David thanked her for stopping him from doing something foolish.

Speaker 1: 37:38

I love this story because it shows some really great characteristics about David right, the ability to be humbled. Even though he was about ready to make a foolish decision, he was teachable, realized very quickly that he would be making a mistake and was able to shift, change and change the direction and the course of his life. What would have happened had like maybe he never would have became king of the Israelites had he actually just laid waste to the city? Yeah, maybe he had the right to right, but that's not what he wanted, that's not who he was, and he decided not to be in violation of himself by doing it and allowing this other man to completely throw him off of his focus. The other thing, too, I love about David in this is he was respectful. You know, he wasn't at the very beginning but again realized hold on a second. I'm a respecter of persons, I'm a respecter of myself, I'm a respecter of my men, and just because somebody disrespects me doesn't mean I have to disrespect myself by becoming out of alignment with who I truly am. He also understood in this moment that justice was not his and he allowed God to serve justice, and which God did. The man who betrayed King David ended up dying. And Abigail married David herself right, she was very beautiful, and so we see these really, really wonderful characteristics in that story.

Speaker 1: 39:45

I love the New Testament too, and reading the characteristics of Jesus Christ. His love is legendary. I love how he shows love to people that are hurting, people that are prideful his disciples and how that love covers the costs of it all and heals people on a deeply spiritual, emotional and profound level. All because he was so loving and so truthful. I love those characteristics about him. I love how he was fierce in the face of evil, to the point that evil fled. He stood for his boundaries, he stood for what was right, but because he knew who he was and he never doubted.

Speaker 1: 40:53

I love the story in the Bible of the adversary and him coming to tempt Christ three times after he had fasted for 40 days and 40 nights. And the language is really interesting. The adversary uses the same language with us. If you really are the Son of God, throw yourself off this mountain. Have the angels catch you. If you really are the Son of God, touch this rock, make it bread. You're hungry. If you really are the Son of God, fall down and worship me. And I love how Jesus responds to him every single time with truth. It is written thou shalt not live by bread alone. It is written thou shalt not tempt the Lord, thy God. Stay behind me, satan. He was so anchored in truth and he used truth to his advantage every single time because he knew who he was and he never doubted what if we knew who we were to that degree, to that level?

Speaker 1: 42:22

Would we have solid boundaries too, that we don't move just simply because somebody demands that we do so? They can have some element of control over us. No, we don't move them because we know who we are and what we're here to do. Following a characteristic study helps you do that. It helps you connect to things by saying things like you know what I really feel like. I really feel like I'm a fantastic human when I respond with respect. I feel like a fantastic human when I understand love better and when somebody isn't respectful to me, I know how to respond with love. That doesn't mean it's fluffy, it doesn't mean I have to enable them. It just means that I'm going to be honest and truthful and I don't deviate from that. I love that. I'm playful, I love being a mom or a dad or whatever it is. I feel fantastic when I'm in those roles and I'm responding to those characteristics.

Speaker 1: 43:59

What if we find a characteristic that we don't feel like we have? For instance, I want to play the harp really badly. Actually, I'm great at the piano, I know the notes, I can play the piano, but I would really love to learn how to play the harp, but I'm not a harp player yet. But it speaks to me, that speaks very deeply to my soul, that I am a harp player. So one of the things that I would want to do is go learn about how to become that. So perhaps patience is a characteristic that speaks to you. You'll want to go learn about how to be patient. What does that look like? Get a definition, a very clear definition of what that is. Try that on and act the part. See how that feels, if you love the way it feels. The truth is you probably are a patient person. When you feel like you're not being patient, you're just out of alignment with who you truly are, and so we get to set a boundary. If I'm feeling impatient, I walk away. They have to deal with themselves for a bit.

Speaker 1: 45:29

Another really great idea to do is also to take a timeline of your gifts, your talents and your trials and see if you can't piece some things together. For example, like I said, I'm very musical. I love to sing, I play the piano, I write music, I write the lyrics, poetry to it, I write books. I love to talk to people about healing Obviously, hello podcast and everything else that I do. I'm organized. I love serving people. I'm very intuitive. Oftentimes I can just connect with somebody and feel how they're feeling. Often All of these gifts are there to help me sit with someone while they're hurting, so that way they never have to be alone in their struggles and their trials. I can help them, but I'm also going to be there with a ladder to make sure that they don't stay in the muck, in the mud, unless, if they truly, truly want to. My job and my mission and purpose is to help people out of that.

Speaker 1: 47:01

But you can also see that not only just in my gifts, but also in my trials. I've had a lot of trials through my entire life that have been deeply traumatic, but I had to learn how to rely on love and truth, also known as God right, in order to heal all of that. I had to learn how to let go of control. I am not a controlling person. I don't want to control another person, but I felt like I had to in order to have any sense of peace. But remember what happens when we try to control another person we find that we ourselves are out of control. We can't control two people at once. We may as well control a person that's actually willing to be controlled by ourselves.

Speaker 1: 48:01

When you can put this timeline together, what ends up happening often is you can start to see some similarities, some pieces to where you are truly starting to get clarity about who you are and how awesome that person truly is, and from that you start to communicate. That way, when you get that deep understanding and from that communication comes really awesome boundaries Because you love yourself so deeply that nobody gets to jeopardize that. True boundaries come from a feeling of deep self-love and deep self-worth, because how we treat ourselves is how other people treat us, which is the truth. All right, my loves. I hope that this podcast was helpful for you this week. Don't forget to go back through the last few weeks, listen to the episodes on boundaries and see how those episodes can help you, especially if you're looking to learn more about boundaries and how to create them. And again, don't forget, click on the link below.

Speaker 1: 49:34

Schedule that call with me If you'd like to have some clarity on your confidence. We'll do a confidence assessment and how to create boundaries based out of your confidence. How to up level your confidence If you're tired of being gaslighted, if you're tired of the lying, if you're tired of feeling crazy or like you can't have what it is you want because of the actions of someone else. Schedule that call. It's completely free. There's no expectations, no cells on these calls. It's just me showing up to serve you in the very best way possible. Please feel free to schedule that call. All right, my loves until next week. From my heart to your heart. I'll see you on the other side. Bye, guys.

Speaker 1: 50:44

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Speaker 1: 51:19

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