Why Do I Defend Him?

Uncover the hidden layers of protective instincts as we dissect the complex reasons why women often stand as the unsolicited shield for men in their lives. We'll venture into the terrain of the 'nice guy' archetype and the paradox of men with addictions, which we humorously yet thoughtfully categorize as mild, medium, and jalapeno. Each holds its own set of unique challenges that can strain the fabric of a relationship, and we're here to pull at those threads, revealing patterns you might recognize in your own life.

It's a nuanced dance of historical roles and psychological factors that lead women to defend their partners, sometimes against their better judgment. This episode peels back the layers of societal conditioning and the tug-of-war between survival instincts and the nurturing instinct. We put a spotlight on creating safe exit strategies, recognizing the courage it takes to trust one's instincts, and the resources available for those who need to leave with discretion. Our conversation also underscores the importance of not just being heard but of hearing oneself amidst the noise of societal expectations.

Wrapping up, we approach the vital topic of setting boundaries in relationships with finesse, examining how to communicate needs with respect and love rather than defense mechanisms. Sharing a powerful testimony from a client who learned to navigate these turbulent waters, we highlight the transformation possible when one stops defending and starts communicating. Join us for an episode that promises not just insights but empowerment, as we affirm the significance of staying true to oneself in the face of adversity and connection.

For the Powerful and Profitable Trauma Informed Coach 5 Day Challenge, click on this link to join the challenge: https://www.kushlachadwick.com/5day-powerfulandprofitable

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:56

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle. Today we are going to talk about why we defend guys that do not need our defending. Okay, because let me just say this like not all men are like physical abusers. They're not all the jalapeno, they're not all you know really, really bad guys. And if you listened to one of my past episodes about the nice guy and the nice guy syndrome and that's actually a couple of different episodes there there's the one I also have with Trevor Henniger, which talks about the nice guy as well Oftentimes we do have a nice guy, but we can still feel very abandoned by the nice guy.

Speaker 1: 1:50

He's not going to be mean to you, he's not going to hurt you necessarily physically, but you also still are left feeling abandoned by him. So why on earth do we defend him? Why on earth do we defend men? Well, number one, let me say this, and this might be kind of controversial to some of you, but the truth of the matter is is women actually really love men that can show up to protect them? When men aren't showing up that way for us, then what we tend to do is step into a very kind of masculine energy and protect. Instead, we become the protectors and since he's part of our relationships, he falls under the protecting guys. We need to protect him right. We need to slay the dragon while he hides behind us in shining white armor, screaming because there's a dragon and here we are, the damsel fighting it off. There's a big problem with that. Guys actually need to feel like they have something to protect. A good guy, a kind guy, he is not afraid to step into confrontation, he's not afraid to stand for truth, he's not afraid to stand for something, whereas the nice guy is something, whereas the nice guy is. But sometimes we also have the jalapeno. So let me explain a couple of things to you here.

Speaker 1: 3:53

Okay, if you remember, I usually categorize men who have addictions in three different ways. You have the mild, the medium and the jalapeno. The nice guys are often in the mild section, which you know we do like these guys. These guys are a little bit more easy to get along with. They're not super violent, but they're also not really there. We tend to not be able to get support from them because they're too busy trying to figure out life. They're too busy trying to figure out what the heck is going on with them and it scares the heck out of them and like they're willing to say that something isn't right, if they're willing to admit that they have faults and they're willing to admit that they need to do something differently. But we still are left feeling very abandoned by them because they struggle with confrontation. The medium, on the other hand, is kind of a jerk. They tend to blame, deflect, put everything back on you, blame you.

Speaker 1: 5:16

Gaslight, like this is kind of where we get into the medium. They tend to have very narcissistic tendencies and could even be narcissistic themselves. We tend to think of the medium as just a big jerk. They're not a nice guy, and the world knows it, but they're not necessarily dangerous either to their allies. The jalapeno, on the other hand, is now.

Speaker 1: 5:53

This is the guy who knows rage very well, and the littlest thing will set him off. The littlest triggers will set him off, and we often feel like we don't know what's going to set him off, because it's so tiny and so little that most people wouldn't get set off by this. But he does, and so he goes into a ball of rage and whoever is in his way is the one that's going to get beaten. Sometimes, not only do they get into the narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies as well, but sometimes they really do just have sadistic wants, and those wants involve seeing someone else suffer. They somehow get pleasure out of it. Sometimes it does mean that there's just a very wounded little boy in there, but it doesn't always mean that it's just that. Sometimes people really do want us to suffer. That's a sad thing. It is a really sad thing to consider that that is something that could possibly be happening.

Speaker 1: 7:21

But when people watch other people suffer because of their actions, it gives them sometimes a very twisted sense of control, and this is why we have to be very, very careful with how we respond and how we react when it comes to defending and protecting someone that really needs to step up and defend and protect himself and his family, because this is something that the masculine is very good at. It is not the role for the woman, but oftentimes we find ourselves there because the world for women is a very scary place. Women in general do not trust men. We feel like we are the prey and they are the predator, and we often have to take our time with a man in order to feel safe. And that's an okay thing first impressions really do matter, but so do second, third and fourth. It's really important that we watch how someone responds. A man responds for a while before we ever consider getting into a relationship with them before we ever consider getting into a relationship with them. However, if you already are in a relationship with a man and you've realized that he might be falling into one of these categories the mild, the medium or the jalapeno then it's time to start looking at some things a little deeper.

Speaker 1: 9:21

So let's dive into why women defend men. Number one it's a survival technique. Ok, I talk to women all the time who are defending their husbands even though he's been looking at porn, maybe he's cheated on her, all these things, and there's all kinds like maybe he does feel remorseful, maybe he does feel bad, or maybe he's blaming her, or maybe he just doesn't care. Okay, it's still a survival thing the way that women and men are balanced, and it's not that this is bad, but it does create a very interesting dynamic when we have very unhealthy actions and very unhealthy thoughts. It is such actions and very unhealthy thoughts. It is such that men still in society do tend to make the most money, while women tend to stay home with the children. Now there are a lot more women either stepping outside of the home or making money behind a computer, like I do, right, who are for her to go out and make a living that will support her family without a man.

Speaker 1: 11:14

Now, I'm not saying this is a feminist movement type of a thing, like girl power kind of a thing. I'm not saying that it is natural for a man to assume the role of provider and protector, while the woman resumes the role of creator and nurturer. That is very natural. Anybody you talk to that gets into the masculine and the feminine roles and energy will tell you this that the man is very much like the clamshell and the woman is like the pearl. The man creates containment for the woman and the woman gets to shine, create, shine, create. The man literally focuses all of his energy into her so that way she can focus all of her energy into the kids.

Speaker 1: 12:10

The problem in today's society and this is what pornography does is it makes men fall asleep to this, completely abandon, abandoning the woman and therefore the woman not being able to actually properly care for her children the way that she wants to. It happens a lot, unfortunately. We really do need men in society, like it is a big need and men understand their masculine roles, like it is a big need and men understand their masculine roles. But If she's defending him, she's most likely trying to be in survival. She's trying to protect and provide for their kids. She understands that he is bringing in the money and if she stops defending him, well then she's going to have to acknowledge that somewhere in the back of her head she's really thinking about leaving and divorce. But the idea is terrifying to her because how is she going to support the family and still be a mother? She knows this.

Speaker 1: 13:26

Oftentimes these women also have very low self-esteem and self-worth. Um, I talk to women constantly who are in betrayal trauma, and this is a big problem. They think they're berating themselves for not getting their education. They're berating themselves for not having any marketable skills. They're berating themselves, berating themselves, berating themselves. I'm a bad wife, I'm a bad mom. Somehow it must be my fault, and that can be a survival technique too. We defend because we don't want to actually face that it's our fault, which it's not. Let me just say that. But if we think it is and we're already sitting here struggling with our self-worth, saying to ourselves in some way that we are the ones at fault can cause us to completely abandon ourselves, and we're already being abandoned. That is a terrifying and incredibly scary thought.

Speaker 1: 17:05

Perhaps you are dealing with a jalapeno. Well then you also understand that if you don't defend him, if you call the cops and he gets thrown in jail, he's going to come out more dangerous and more explosive and more abusive. You understand that, and so these are things that you are worried about. You don't have things together yet to leave while he's in jail, and the most dangerous time for a woman or any victim of domestic abuse, physical abuse, is when she's leaving, when she's making her exit plan, and this is why you have to do it so carefully and so quietly. This is why one of the things that I say often is to agree with him, maybe verbally, play the game, but you need to stay focused in your mind of what your exit strategy is, because you need to stay safe, and the only way to stay safe with an explosive jalapeno is to make them feel safe. You need to stay safe. You need to make sure that you are going to be okay, that you and the kids are going to be okay. You have to get an exit strategy together, and there are resources, there are people online that can help you with that. So if you're finding yourself in this kind of a situation, you need to get some help, for sure, but you need to do it in a way where he cannot find out.

Speaker 1: 19:23

Now some women also in this situation are going to say, well, that's deceptive. No, that's called staying safe. Your safety does matter and you do not owe someone who is threatening you physically or hurting you physically anything other than getting out. But you need to do so so carefully. Please find places that will support you. Um, a good idea is, if you're going to search something like that, up, get to a library where your search history cannot be viewed, or ask a friend, someone to, if you have some support, someone to mediate for you. But if you have to do everything by yourself, if you truly are alone in this, there are places. If you can get away for a little bit, there are places where you can go to get some help and places where you can get online and search how to get that help, make a phone call, all of these other things to get that exit strategy together. Okay, all of these other things to get that exit strategy together. Okay, number two oftentimes women defend abusive men or their nice guy because she's been taught to disbelieve herself in her own experiences.

Speaker 1: 21:03

I often talk to women who have severe childhood and developmental trauma where somewhere and this is also kind of a thing in society somewhere she's been taught to disbelieve herself. Little girls are there to sit down and be quiet and look pretty. That's what she's been taught. Sit down and be quiet and look pretty. That's what she's been taught. And a lot of women have been taught to not have a voice, and this stems from being taught to question her own experiences and thoughts over that, over someone else. That someone else needs to do the thinking for them, and oftentimes that's what's. That is exactly what happens. Because she cannot trust her own mind and her own experiences, she's going to think that it's her fault somehow. She's going to think that what is happening she has something to do with, that she's not safe because, again, she can't trust herself.

Speaker 1: 22:17

The truth is with someone else besides her, and so we defend, we defend and we defend and we defend someone that is hurting us. She really wants to believe he's a nice guy and that there is hope for the relationship and because women do find security in their relationship with their spouses or their boyfriends or their guys. We want guys around us, we truly do, but we want them to be safe, and so when there is no safety, we are hoping and praying that he's a nice guy and that there is hope for the relationship. But the more we defend, the more we reiterate in the nice guy that he is not capable of protection, that he needs to be afraid of confrontation and he in a sense needs to fear his own masculinity. Number three they don't feel like they have outside support. Oftentimes women have been isolated. They're far from their families. Sometimes their families are just as toxic as what the husband or the boyfriend is, because they have their own mental issues. This is something she is familiar with and knows well. We tend to get into relationships that feel familiar to us, and so if we feel like we've been abandoned by our parents and our siblings or whoever else, we tend to want that in our relationships, believe it or not, because it's familiar and we know how to navigate.

Speaker 1: 24:21

Familiar. I often think of this kind of like. I call this like the feral kitten syndrome, right, obviously, a little cat is far off, as far better off with a human, but a little tiny feral kitten is going to be scared of a human. The kitten is familiar with the struggle of survival, the kitten is familiar with the feralness. The kitten is familiar with the danger around it and it's not familiar with humans, which are the safest place for this kitten. This is why the kitten reacts so hissing and spitting and clawing and scratching is because the human is not the familiarity thing. The protection, the safe place, is not familiar thing. The protection, the safe place, is not familiar. It knows how to navigate unfamiliar, but it doesn't know how to relax. I mean, I should say it knows how to navigate the scary, but it doesn't know how to relax in the protection. And we tend to do this often, you know, with ourselves, I think, and our relationships. It really is a feral kitten kind of a syndrome. So let's talk about number three. They don't feel like they have outside support, right, right. So if we're more familiar with the the unsafe than what we are with the safe, this is what we're going to look for.

Speaker 1: 26:17

Um, you know, I had a client a while ago, uh, and this is one of the things that she really, really struggled with. She kept finding herself in situations with men, um, and actually other people, other women as well where she was left feeling hopeless, uh, at risk, abused, taken advantage of, she was being stolen from, like. The chaos in her life was insane, and a large part of it is because this is what she was familiar with with. She was far more familiar with the chaos and the corruption that people put forward to her, and so peace was actually threatening. She knew how to navigate the waters of chaos, but she did not know how to navigate the waters of peace.

Speaker 1: 27:28

Sometimes they often aren't believed to. I know that it's really hard for people who haven't seen how vile somebody can be to believe that those things are really out there. And you know, I'll be honest, even me, I was shocked one day when somebody told me about how they had endured satanic ritual abuse, and I'm not going to go into that story. But I didn't realize that people could, like I myself did not realize that people could be that sadistic. Do I believe her? Yes, but one of the things that she herself has come up against is the fact that not many people do. They have a hard time believing that somebody could be that corrupt, that evil. Or again, he's the nice guy right, he's such a nice guy. But nice guys have that Jekyll and Hyde. They look one way, sometimes on the inside or when they're behind closed doors, they behave a completely different way. So they don't see what the victim sees and therefore tend to not believe.

Speaker 1: 29:12

And there are often and that's not always their fault either there are some times that people throw out these accusations of abuse when there really wasn't and there really wasn't. They just want to get the other person in trouble. But the problem with that is that does damage the ability for people to help those who truly are at risk. There are so many people that have cried wolf in abuse just because they want to see someone else suffer. It's a narcissistic thing and that causes those that really are in abusive situations to often not be believed, to often not be believed.

Speaker 1: 30:11

I've also heard of women who have gone to clergy no-transcript. The abuse isn't even addressed. She's told things like you need to give him more sex, you need to give him, or you need to put his needs first, or any other kind of toxic thing. That is not helpful, and so it keeps these women in the cycles of abuse for a longer time Because they're trying to do what they think God wants them to do Instead of addressing the abuse. And instead of addressing the problem, they're looking at a failed marriage as the problem, but divorce in those cases is not the problem. That very well might be the solution, and it's definitely something that needs to be seen if we're really truly going to help other people through these things.

Speaker 1: 31:29

And if someone is defending and defending, and defending and defending another person, even when especially when nobody is saying anything bad about the other person anyway and you're wondering why is this person defending them other person anyway and you're wondering why is this person defending them? The likelihood is is there's possibly some abuse going on. Oftentimes, too, they feel like they have nowhere else to go. They don't have family, they don't have friends. They've been isolated, and isolation is definitely a tactic of the jalapeno, but sometimes we get isolated simply because life is life. Just because somebody is in isolation doesn't necessarily mean that they're being physically abused, though that is something that is a telltale sign of physical abuse.

Speaker 1: 32:32

Sometimes it's just simple situations they got a job, had to move across the country, and so they don't have family around, she doesn't have friends around. She doesn't know anybody, she's completely alone. I hear that more often than not. And so they try to turn to church, they try to turn to clergy. But again, it's very hard to help somebody navigate these types of situations, and they're coming up more and more and more as time goes on.

Speaker 1: 33:05

And so what does she do? She tends to downplay her own situation, believe that it's not as bad because other people have it worse. And maybe she's sitting there saying that he really is a good guy. He's trying. Maybe he is trying, maybe he is. But for her to stop defending him would also mean that she would have to take a look at what she's really afraid of. Maybe she's afraid of divorce. Maybe she's afraid that nobody else will want her. Maybe she's afraid that she doesn't want anybody else. Maybe she's afraid of what that's going to do to her kids. Maybe, I mean, there's a fear.

Speaker 1: 33:54

Defense is a fear mechanism, no matter what, and honestly, the very idea of leaving a relationship in general, especially for a woman, isn't an easy one. If both are willing to work on themselves, then relationships can be saved. But we also know that if one person works quicker on themselves and they move at a faster pace than the other partner does. That creates a rift too, and so she often holds herself back so she can go at the pace of her partner. But that too becomes very maddening, because she wants something she does not want to wait and wait and go at a snail's pace for it. Wait and wait and go at a snail's pace for it, and she may also like I hear this one too she may defend him because she doesn't want him to have a bad reputation. She doesn't want people to think negatively about him. And while that's nice and dandy, but that's still a protection mechanism for her, because having everyone tell her what a horrible guy he is hurts a lot worse than being told what a nice guy he is. It makes her feel unsafe.

Speaker 1: 35:29

Just hearing what a bad guy he is, that he's horrible for her. She knows he's not necessarily horrible. Maybe he is, but in often cases they're not, and she knows this. And just being told that somebody's bad isn't helpful either, because she doesn't know what to do with that. She's already too busy trying to figure out how to keep everything together when it feels like it's completely falling apart. She already knows, knows, I think down deep inside that he's a big problem in this relationship. But she wants things to work out so desperately that she convinces herself that he's putting in the effort she wants him to. And the problem is is he may be doing some really good things, but if he's working on himself at a snail's pace, he's still leaving her in a very vulnerable and unprotected situation while he's figuring his stuff out.

Speaker 1: 36:47

And so why do we defend? It's because we're trying to control our reality in some way, because our reality is scary. So what do we do about it? It really is different depending on the level of abuse. So, like, number one is stick to the truth.

Speaker 1: 37:11

Now, you can't necessarily state to someone who is physically abusing you that you think they're a jerk. You're going to get hit for that, right? You can't tell them that you want to leave. You can't tell them you want a divorce. You can't tell them that their behavior is dangerous and scary. You can't tell them that they're wrong. You can't tell them these things because they will hurt you. You can't tell them these things because they will hurt you, even though those things might be true. You can't say that. And so that really is the truth, right there. You can't say it, otherwise you're going to get hurt. That's the circumstance, that is the truth of the matter. You know it.

Speaker 1: 38:08

So sometimes the best thing to do is again realize your situation, be completely open and aware to it for yourself. You need to acknowledge these things for yourself. That is acknowledging the truth. And then, as I've said before, you also need to understand that you do need an exit strategy, one where you stay safe. That is a truth getting out, going to the library, doing what you can to find some solace, to find some solace, to find help.

Speaker 1: 38:49

Without them knowing Sometimes you do have to lie. I'll tell you something God has told people to lie before, people to lie before. In the bible, he tells abraham to tell the, the pharaoh, that suraya is his sister, because they would have killed abraham had they known that suraya was his wife, because they would have wanted suraya for themselves. He he did tell Abraham to lie. Lies are not always a bad thing if we are using them to keep ourselves protected physically, and that's why Abraham used it is because he had to protect himself physically. However, if you're not in physical danger and things are not escalating to physical danger, then it's very important that you also speak the truth Now, the way you speak, the truth does matter.

Speaker 1: 40:01

It's a very different thing telling somebody you, jerk, I can't believe you looked at pornography again. It's a very different thing telling somebody you, jerk, I can't believe you looked at pornography again, or I can't believe that you won't go out and get a job, or I can't believe. It's a very different thing than saying, listen, you won't get a job, you won't take the family finances into your hands, you won't defend me against your family when they think I'm the bad guy you're. You have been looking at porn again. Therefore, this is what needs to happen. We can speak in respect. We can speak in love. That actually lends strength and support to the boundary, which is actually number two. Set the boundaries and I'll go into how to do that in both situations in just a second.

Speaker 1: 40:58

But we don't need to yell and scream at people. When we do, all people tend to hear is yelling and screaming. They don't tend to hear the message and the pain and what you're trying to really communicate to them. The truth of the matter is you are hurting, you're not irrational, you're not crazy. But it is also important to speak the truth and to not hold back on the truth.

Speaker 1: 41:38

One of the things I love to say is something along the lines of well, that's a really interesting thought there. What results is that giving you? That's interesting. What results do you think that's giving you? With me, the more you do this, the more I feel like I have to slay the dragon. The more you do this, the more I feel like I have to take on more roles that are not mine. Now. I will take those roles on, but you are going to be left feeling very alone and very demasculinated Because these things have to be done. That's a very interesting thought. You've got there. How is that serving you? Okay, again, set the boundaries.

Speaker 1: 42:35

Boundaries are about what you are going to do. This is why setting boundaries works in both the mild well, on all three, I should say the mild, medium and the jalapeno. You just do not have to tell the jalapeno or the person that is going to physically hurt you what the boundary is. You just need to get out. It is about what you do and then how to stay safe, how to stay protected after you get out. It is important to know these things. These are the boundaries that you really need to consider. It is not okay that that person is hurting you in any way, and it is not your fault that person is hurting you in any way and it is not your fault that somebody would ever hurt you in an intentional manner. But it is important that you do have your exit strategy, should you need that, if you are dealing with the mild or the medium, and you don't necessarily have to leave the relationship because of physical abuse.

Speaker 1: 43:55

And I, and I will say this to you Neglect is abuse. It is, it is true. True, not abuse is when somebody actually has your best interest and your needs at the forefront of their mind. Anything about them before you is not a good thing. It should be God or their highest form of love, and then you and then themselves. Okay, now, that might seem a little different, because you know I talk about the relational tears and how you've got God and then yourself. But true self-love is also having a good outlook and a good concern, and a deep concern for those that you truly do love.

Speaker 1: 44:53

You don't put your fears and your insecurities above their well-being ever, and if that is happening to you and things aren't changing, you too may need an exit strategy. That might be one of your boundaries, but if you truly, truly do believe that this relationship can work, number one, you do need to stop defending him and you need to set some hard boundaries. We don't need to yell them, we don't need to scream them. These are not boundaries that you think of in the minute and enact in the minute. No boundaries take some planning and some organization and some thinking about them. What will you do if this continues? Maybe you will ask him to leave, maybe you will go somewhere. Maybe you will say, okay, well, phones and all devices have to go into a safe that only you know the password to. Maybe it really comes down to what you are willing to do, what you will do and how you will keep yourself safe.

Speaker 1: 46:35

You know, one of the truths you can also, or one of the boundaries you can, adopt here in this situation, is also saying that you will say the truth, no matter what, that you will tell the truth, even if they tell they decide not to. That you will be completely honest. If you feel like you're being gaslit, you will say that I feel like you're gaslighting me. You might sit there and say you're not, but everything that you're doing like you're gaslighting me, you might sit there and say you're not, but everything that you're doing, everything you're saying, and how hard you are trying to get me convinced that you're right, it all feels like gaslighting to me. Maybe one of your boundaries is that if he's going to do something, you are going to tell the truth, whatever it is, it needs to keep you safe and in control of you, and that you know what you need to do. And the third is to be completely honest to yourself as to why you're defending him.

Speaker 1: 47:53

You know, I had a client not long ago who, her husband, is a nice guy. He is a nice guy but again, nice guys do not defend, they do not get into confrontation. He has a good heart and he does want to do better, but he's terrified, he's scared, and when you're scared it's very hard to make any steps forward. But that doesn't mean those steps still don't need to be made. And so she was finding herself in the situation with her husband where she was feeling completely and utterly abandoned by him, but she defended him. She would say what he's done and it wasn't good and it was leaving her feeling completely vulnerable and abandoned. And so when I asked her what was behind the defense and to just completely be honest with herself. She realized that she didn't feel like any other guy out there would want her. She had gained weight from the trauma and from the stress of her situation with him and she felt like no other man would want her. She also did love him. She wanted him to do better, and so she was convincing herself that he was doing better than what he was.

Speaker 1: 49:43

She would tell me that she really wanted me to understand how he was and that she didn't want me to think things badly of him. But in reality she was really worried about what I would think about her. She didn't want to be a gossip. She didn't want to be a raging woman. She didn't want to be irrational. She wasn't being irrational at all.

Speaker 1: 50:21

Her situation was one of neglect, and so I encouraged her to stop defending him and all of a sudden she realized she had so much anger that she had been pushing down. She was really angry at him and she didn't want to acknowledge that anger. She didn't want to feel that anger. She wanted to be happy and she felt like the more that she defended him, the happier she could be. But she really was not achieving true happiness, her true goals in happiness because she wasn't acknowledging the reality of the situation, the reality of her emotions and the reality of the situation, the reality of her emotions and the reality of how she really felt.

Speaker 1: 51:25

Also, when she truly did try to tell him how she felt, he went into a poor, poor me I'm the worst human ever and put her in an automatic defensive position with him because she didn't want him to feel that way. She simply just wanted him to hear her out and realize why she would feel the way she did and change, make some changes instead of deflect and keep everything on her shoulders. We talked about how she could communicate these things to him, that she needed to let him know that she was not okay with him deflecting and saying horrible, awful things. One of the boundaries she came up with was again to be completely honest with him when he was in that and she learned to say well, that's a really interesting perspective you have about yourself there. No wonder why I feel like things are not working. I can't have a better opinion than you do of yourself. Things aren't going to work if that happens. So if that's going to continue, then I just need to leave this relationship and luckily that worked.

Speaker 1: 52:46

Her husband actually did realize that he was kind of being a jerk when he sat there and I'm the worst human ever, poor, poor me when she was just simply trying to be honest with him and he learned to start listening To, really hearing her out, sitting with the uncomfortable emotion, because that's what they. That's why they do that. They don't want to be uncomfortable. Again, they're more familiar with the self-loathing right, because self-loathing is also a deflection of really uncomfortable emotions, believe it or not. So he learned to sit in those really really uncomfortable emotions and he considered his actions, considered his beliefs. He started to really consider why he was the way he was, why he did things the way he did them, and when he realized he didn't like something, instead of freaking out about it, he started taking steps to change. Your relationship is better than it's ever been now.

Speaker 1: 54:13

My loves, stop defending him. Stop defending him. If you find that you are defending him, you will also find that you are in a very deep sense of self-betrayal, because you're putting his little boy needs in front of your own womanly needs. And he's not a little boy. If he feels like he's stuck in the little boy things, then that's why he needs to get help, he needs to be able to start the process of healing, but he can't do that. Or he can, but it's very hard for him a man that's stuck in those things to do that when someone else is defending him because they're enabling him, and that's not good for you or him. And that's not good for you or him. So, if you do find yourself in the situation of defense, I invite you to stop, and every single time you want to get in and defend him before you do, sit in that emotion for just a few minutes. Let it teach you, just feel it, acknowledge that it's there and then ask what are the thoughts behind this? Why do I feel like I have to defend him? And hopefully you'll find some truth. All right, my loves. That's it for this week. Hopefully this was helpful.

Speaker 1: 56:08

And, uh, next week we are going to be talking about the difference between a narcissist and avoidant. Now a little caveat, and I'll mention this again also in our next chat, but I don't love giving labels to people, but this is something that a lot of people are talking about and labeling men as, and some women, and I think it does behoove us well to understand the difference, one you can have a little more compassion for than the other. All right, so if you guys would like some help, please don't hesitate to reach out and book a call with me. There are links in the description below where you can get a one hour session with me. It's completely free, guys, you have nothing to lose. Or you can also go to my Facebook page, aaron Anderson, the trauma coach, and you would. You are welcome to message me there and just ask me for a one hour session. I will go ahead and send you the link and get you scheduled. Ok, my loves. Until next time, I'll see you on the other side. Bye.