Healing Your Nervous System with Tera Brown

Join me and trauma coach Tara Brown as we embark on a journey of healing that transcends typical self-help rhetoric. Our conversation weaves through the intimate process of trauma recovery, highlighting the crucial role of our entire nervous system alongside our mindset. Tara shares the dance of the four pillars of healing—physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual—and we discuss how neglecting any single one can disrupt our path to wellness. Our heart-to-heart is a testament to the personal nature of healing, inviting you to tune into your individual needs and embrace a holistic approach to overcoming trauma.

Ever wondered how your body reacts under stress or why some scents can calm your frayed nerves? With Tara's wisdom, we delve into the human nervous system and its responses to trauma, drawing parallels between our reactions and those of animals in the wild. We tug at the threads of the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses, unraveling their connection to our biology and the figure-eight configuration of the nervous system. Personal stories enrich the conversation, providing real-life examples of how these responses manifest and offering strategies for grounding and emotional regulation to quell the storm within.

Prepare to be moved—literally—as we discuss the liberating potential of physical movement and its role in emotional healing. I recount an episode of anger diffused by a late-night walk, and we celebrate the power of nature and intentional movement in transforming emotional turmoil. The chapter on healing generational trauma with essential oils paints a vivid picture of how personal growth can reverberate through our lineage, reshaping relationships with our loved ones. By the end of our chat, you'll be equipped with self-care strategies to nourish your nervous system and be imbued with a sense of hope and excitement for your healing journey.

For the Powerful and Profitable Trauma Informed Coach 5 Day Challenge, click on this link to join the challenge: https://www.kushlachadwick.com/5day-powerfulandprofitable

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:56

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the Other Side of the Struggle Guys. I'm so excited for today's episode and today's podcast guest. I have been working a little bit with Tara Brown for probably a couple of years now and I really got the opportunity to connect with her through the Rejuvenate you program. Tara Brown is a betrayal trauma coach or basically just a trauma coach, because that is what we are right but she's APSATS trained, she's the certification director through Shaley Hope and she's just freaking awesome. She knows so much. She's just amazing and I absolutely have loved chatting with her and getting to know her and, you know, sharing in her wisdom and her goodness, and so I'm just excited to share Tara with you guys today, my audience, because I think you're going to love her just as much as me.

Speaker 2: 1:59

Thank you, I'm excited to talk to you, yeah.

Speaker 1: 2:02

Yeah Well, I'm excited about this too, and especially this topic, because you know, this is one that I've been diving more into lately. You know, healing the nervous system, because this is such a big thing when it comes to healing trauma. Right, it totally is, and I've come across clients multiple times where I can do all the mindset work I can with them, but it's not sticking because their nervous system is not on board. You know what I mean.

Speaker 2: 2:36

And yeah, and so it's like really a major thing that we need to address in healing any type of trauma, and so I really felt like this is definitely something we need to put on the podcast. A really strong chair has four strong legs right. So we have our physical, which includes, you know, getting enough sleep and and which is hard when you're in trauma and eating the right things and drinking water, just plain. You know, easy stuff, but it's our physical needs right. Then we have our emotional.

Speaker 2: 3:20

We have those emotions that we need to get, our mental and our spiritual, and so our nervous system is included in a lot of that place. But if we over-focus I like to say that and it sounds judgmental but if we over-focus on one leg, if we just go to God and take everything to God and ignore the rest, we end up with a really strong leg, one really strong leg on our chair. So we have a fence post right, six by six, you know, wooden block underneath our chair, and then the other three are like dry spaghetti noodles and they cause, they're just ignored, and so we still don't feel balanced and we think I'm doing everything, I know how to do, but we're not doing everything there could be Right.

Speaker 1: 4:02

Oh, so you know, you know, Tara and I were just chatting a little bit about like these certifications and things like that, and now I'm like I need to go get all these certifications to my business, Right, but that is actually one of the things that God taught me. Another one of the very first lessons he taught me was about those four main energies that you have your mental, your emotional, your physical and your spiritual. And it's really interesting because it does seem like, you know, when you get into that spiritual work, you know your mental and your emotional do come up quite a bit too, Like if you're actually getting in and doing the actual spiritual work. But I noticed that my physical still was lacking and it still is, to some point, right, so working on that one.

Speaker 2: 4:49

But you're absolutely right, Because it takes all four of those pieces to actually yeah, we have to heal on all four of those levels in order to feel, in order to like release and feel healed and feel balanced. We, each one of those.

Speaker 1: 5:08

Yes.

Speaker 2: 5:09

It's not a nice thing, it's actually a need.

Speaker 1: 5:11

Yes, it is, it's, it's, it's a necessity. I'm not going to name names, but I had a coach one time that told me um to to not worry so much about like the physical or not worry so much about like the mental or not worry so much about, and that you need to put all your focus on this, or all your focus on this, or all your focus on this, and not worry about balance. You know, balance is, is not a, is not a thing like. You're never really going to feel balanced and stuff. And I was sitting there like hey yeah.

Speaker 1: 5:53

Right Like.

Speaker 2: 5:55

I would disagree.

Speaker 1: 5:56

I would disagree, I would. Yeah, you know, and obviously, like when I, when, when that particular coach was saying those things, I was sitting there like well, that's an interesting theory, but like, to me that's like if, if there was one of the areas that might have been lacking for her too um, yes, you know and I like we all learn on our own level, on our own pace yes, absolutely, absolutely. And you know there's also other things that that disrupt, that disrupt it.

Speaker 1: 6:33

You know, like uh thinking that you know everything, and that's one of the things that she kind of does tend to struggle with right and that's, you know, one of those mental and emotional low points that that noodle part of that chair right and so, like when we get and it is, it's kind of like no wonder why, why we don't feel balanced or why she would say something like that, as, as I've kind of researched that and pondered that, you know like why she would say something like that, but it's it's for that very thing. It's it's because she really does still have those noodles and it's just like you know. This is why it's so important for us to consider, like, each one of those four areas and I think that goes to like you get.

Speaker 2: 7:19

You can hear all these experts and you can take all the trainings and you can do all the things Right. You have to come back to what works for you and what, what your spirit's telling you that you need. At the time, you know like what's best for you. Where do you need to go next?

Speaker 1: 7:34

Yeah, exactly, because you know this is and we were chatting a little bit about this before too it's like you know, this is God-centered work, right, you know there's a lot of programs out there that will tell you, you know, to hate the other sex, that women can't be trusted, men can't be trusted. Let's just hate on them all, right, right, but that is like creating so much more trauma, like, oh, like, oh, like it breaks my heart to see that kind of stuff. But I also see, like, where there's there's like blame of the, the, the person that's being hurt, like well, you didn't give him enough sex or you need to stay longer. This is somehow your fault. And it's like holy cow, like come on, like let's get with, yeah, let's get with the. The actual truth here, because I watch the people in in that are being like coached or or in therapy with, with people that that have those beliefs, and it's like they're still so stuck. And it's no wonder, because both of those are still trauma inducing. Right Approaches.

Speaker 2: 11:22

Right.

Speaker 1: 11:23

You know what I mean, yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:24

So I try with everything I do to be trauma informed.

Speaker 1: 11:28

Yes, yes, and it's so important to be and I love also in a gospel centered way, or you know, at least consider like your highest form of love, right.

Speaker 2: 11:40

I like that phrase yeah.

Speaker 1: 11:49

Yeah, instead of like your higher power, I love the idea of like your highest form of love, because love is power. So, anyway, but I definitely want to chat about this because I feel like it's so important and I know for a fact I'm going to learn a ton from you. But what is the nervous system and how is it impacted when there is trauma in our lives?

Speaker 2: 12:08

Okay. So let's back up once and say, first, we're going to talk about trauma for a second and say trauma is not what happens to you, but it is what you do with it, it's how you interpret it, it's the stories you make it mean about you, and we ruminate on those, right, and so there's like four really well-known reactions that we have to trauma we, we fight, get mad and angry and blame everyone, right, and? And we just put up our dukes and want to fight our way out of it, because that that feels powerful to you, know, and so it. It's maybe something I could do for myself, right, we fight, we run away, we hide, we, um, we don't want to talk to and we shut people out and I'm never going to talk to you again, right, um? Or I want to divorce tomorrow, right, I don't want to hurt anymore, which doesn't really curb the hurting actually.

Speaker 1: 13:06

No matter of fact, it makes things so much worse really curb the hurting?

Speaker 2: 13:09

actually, no matter of fact, it makes things so much worse a lot of times. Um, there's, um, there's freeze, so I can just shut down and not feel anything and just like lay in bed and watch tv for nine months. Welcome to my life. For a minute I froze. I didn't know what. I yeah.

Speaker 2: 13:29

And then there's also my very well-worn path, which is people pleasing. I'm uncomfortable, so I'm going to do whatever I think you need so that you'll be comfortable, so I can be comfortable, right, and? And your nervous system is involved in all that. So your nervous system, it's this connection. So a lot of people think it's just your brain and all of the little neurons that run through your body, but actually it's this beautiful figure eight. Okay, so it starts in our heart. Our heart is the thing where we feel, that's where the vibration of our emotions emanates from. Our heart is the center of us, right, there are more neural pathways from our heart to our brain than there are from our brain to the rest of our body. So our heart is the boss of us. It tells our brain what to do. And then our brain sends signals to all of the organs, all of the fingertips, all of the little toes, everything to tell it what to do.

Speaker 1: 14:34

Okay, I just yes, I'm dying. I have to say this because this is so crazy. When you're talking about the figure eight, okay, that's actually a healing number. Yeah, no-transcript. Okay, that's actually a healing number. Yeah, that's one of the most healing numbers. And the reason why is because if you think of yourself like skating, it's a very like in a very, very calm, peaceful way. The figure eight is a flow number, calm and peaceful, very calm and peaceful. And so whenever you create that first wave into the eight and then you cross it again, you're actually literally retraining your brain, have a new experience, to have something different. We're going in a different direction, we're having a different experience, and that's what the eight actually teaches. And so when you're saying like I'm good, like I'm geeking out over here, I'm like when you're saying that it's a figure eight, I'm like, oh my gosh, like this is so cool, okay, it's a figure eight because there's the neural pathways.

Speaker 2: 15:33

It's also a figure eight because there are brain cells in your heart. There's brain cells in your brain and in your gut. So that's the figure eight. It goes down and then back into your body and then back up again and it just just loops.

Speaker 1: 15:47

Yes. Well, this is why, too, like when you feel that anxiety, that's in your gut, but also when you feel peace, it's also in your gut, you know, and it's because you literally do. You have a head, heart and gut reception center, you know, happening. I love this. Oh, my gosh, I'm okay, I'm, I'm, I'm guys. I'm going to grab some popcorn and just sit here and let her talk Like I'm loving this so much.

Speaker 2: 16:13

I'm loving this so much. Okay. So when something happens, when something big happens, and we have this trauma response, our brain and our body go into activation. Right, I need to, like I love to talk about you know, our adrenals start pumping. Our adrenal glands are there for a reason. They're there to give us more energy to run away from the bear, to lift the car off our child that just got trapped, to get away, to get to safety. It's supposed to do that, but we're the only species, we're the only people on earth species. We're the only people on earth. We're the only people on earth.

Speaker 2: 16:59

We're the only ones who actually have that thought process, who think about it and ruminate on it In the animal kingdom when they get into high alert. So let's think about a deer is in the middle of this beautiful meadow, okay, and all of a sudden, a mountain lion's like hey, free lunch, right, and it comes, it sees, it starts to stalk and she notices and she takes off and she runs. Now, if she gets away the deer, she's the she. If she gets away to safety, then do you, did you know that in the animal kingdom, what they do is that when they get away and when they are safe. They use their adrenals to have that extra energy to run away. When they get safe, they actually shake. They shake it off, they let go of all that cortisol so they get back to neutral and then they can go on with their life.

Speaker 2: 17:53

Wow, we are the only ones who repeat it and think about it again and go over it. And why did that happen? And what could I have done differently? And that's what this means about me. And now I'm a stalked person and I'm always on look for the predator, right.

Speaker 1: 18:12

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 18:13

But in the animal kingdom, all they do is just let go of it. Isn't that so? Like, simple and beautiful, like, could it be that easy? Could it be that easy to find ways to let go of our you know, of our stress and that cortisol level? Otherwise, we end up highly stressed. Otherwise, we end up highly stressed, full of anxiety, craving sugar and or sleeping too much, like all of those trauma responses. Right, we, just we live in that forever. If we, if we don't choose, yeah, you're, you're absolutely right.

Speaker 1: 18:51

You're absolutely right and I got to tell you. You know, this is really cool stuff too, because you're right too about the animals. You know how they shake and you know if anybody that has raised chickens will know this Right, I've got 12. Don't ask me how I got that many it to twelve, there's a story anyway. But so now you know when, you know how chicks are, when you reach in, they're like freaking out and scattering and peeping, and it's a hand, right, yeah, and but the minute you pick up one of those chicks and you put it in your hand, they shake, they shake, they shake, they shake, they shake and then all of a sudden they just relax.

Speaker 1: 19:39

Yeah, you know, and you're right, it's because they don't have that ability to ruminate, but we do, and because of that it definitely creates one heck of a trauma response. You know, and I've seen like in my own life. You know, we did, we don't like I didn't shake it off, right, I held on to these traumas for 25, almost 30 years, you know, before I finally was like I can't do this anymore, I'd had enough.

Speaker 1: 20:15

And my poor brain and my adrenals were shot. You know, and to this day I mean, that's one of the reasons too, why you know our physical body has a harder time coming up from the trauma is because when you've been in trauma for so long, your adrenals are shot, your gut is shot, like it does make such a difference on your physical, and so it's really your physical body needs a lot of support when it comes to actually healing trauma, right.

Speaker 2: 20:47

Yeah, it's not just about your stories and your mental, it's about all of all of the things right?

Speaker 1: 20:52

It is, it really is.

Speaker 2: 20:53

Yeah. So there's lots of ways to do that, to settle. So that trauma response is just telling us that our body's on high alert and it looks like hypervigilance, like I'm in detective mode. I'm going to find out what he did, I'm going to find out who he's talking to. I'm going to find out. You know, I'm going to find evidence of that story. I'm telling myself. So we go on the search for it and we just, every time we find a piece of evidence that we think that's what that means, we actually get another hit of dopamine. So it actually helps us prove our story to ourselves, right? So hypervigilance is a really big way, especially women in trauma. I think men do it too, but for the most part I work with women, right?

Speaker 1: 21:40

Yes.

Speaker 2: 21:41

I mean, I have an awesome select few men clients, but for the most part I work with women and it's something that I see a lot, so we call it detective mode and I teach my clients. One of the things I love to teach them is let's recognize what that feels like in your body. What does it feel like in your body when you, um, when you feel hypervigilant, when you want to go looking for all the evidence, when you have this trauma response and it usually feels like I can only breathe from the chest up, um, my heart is racing, my thoughts are spinning, I can't catch my breath Right and I can't even focus on what to do next. And so I teach them like listen to your body, what does it need right now? So I want to give you a good example.

Speaker 2: 22:28

I literally had a trauma response this past week. I don't have them very often anymore, but I was in a conversation totally triggered me and there's a huge backstory. That doesn't matter. But I was in a conversation totally triggered me and there's a huge backstory. That doesn't matter. What matters is, in the end, what I noticed during this phone call was I actually stopped myself. I stopped talking because I was trying to prove my point. I was trying to think my way out of it and talk my way out of it and I stopped and I just said I need to be done with this conversation for now because it's not going anywhere, it's just spinning Both of us are spinning. And I got off the phone and my husband told me yesterday. He said yeah, I said to someone. I haven't seen her that mad in years, like decades maybe.

Speaker 1: 23:11

You know we've been married 30 years.

Speaker 2: 23:12

He's like I maybe. I don't know if I've ever seen her that upset. Maybe you know we've been married 30 years. He's like I, maybe I don't know if I've ever seen her that upset. But I just closed my eyes and I took a deep breath and I asked myself what does my body want right now? And I opened my eyes, really big, and I looked at him and I said I'm going for a walk. And he said okay. And it was 10 o'clock at night and I literally put on my shoes. I couldn't even breathe, I was like I couldn't even tie them. I was just my body wanted to move so badly. Well, I took off and I walked down the road and I remember I put my headphones in. I have a really awesome playlist that I listen to when I'm upset. That just helps me to walk it out. It's not a stroll through the forest.

Speaker 2: 23:50

It's a get rid of this in my body. So I just I had this thought crossed my head, Like if someone came up behind me to attack me while I was on this very dark road in the middle of the night by myself. I could literally turn around and punch them, break their nose, leave them on the ground and walk away and not care, because I had that much energy and emotion going on. You know, and I know, women can relate to that Right.

Speaker 1: 24:16

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 24:16

What I got to where I was going. I walked about a mile in just a few minutes and I, um, I, I got there, I sat down, I, I had a conversation with God, a very loud one, and but first I, you know, I said what I needed to out loud, like what I had been holding and feeling, but that wasn't really appropriate for the conversation that I was having on the phone and it just I talked to God, I cried, I had done my, I had moved, like you know, my body physically, and afterwards I felt spent. I was very clear on what my part was. I really did a very deep dive into what's my part and how did this happen. So I owned what I needed to and then I called my husband.

Speaker 2: 24:58

I really did a very deep dive into what's my part and how did this happen. So I owned what I needed to and then I called my husband. I was like emotionally spent, I need you to come and pick me up. And he was like, okay, great, and you know, I came home. I actually did a little bit of yoga, I turned on some music and I journaled for a minute and then I was totally at peace and ready to go to bed and I could have let that anger and that feeling and that emotion and that trauma response last for a month. But I let go of it in less than an hour with some really great tools.

Speaker 1: 25:25

Yes, yes, absolutely, and you know that's one of my favorite things to do is is to walk, and especially, I think, for me, cause I you know my relationship with God like that's when I get to talk to him yeah you know um and I get some amazing like downloads and just because your body is moving yeah right it's that flow again it's that it's in that flow again and especially, I think, even in the outdoors, like we have, I, I like, I, I like walking up this road it's, it's kind of like there's there's deer and there you can see foxes, and like there's there's a little stream that runs like right by it, like it's beautiful. I kind of don't dare do it at night because yeah, I know, I love to walk down the river.

Speaker 2: 26:15

I love by the garden river, but I would not do that at night.

Speaker 1: 26:18

Yeah, right, right. Well, for me I'm not so worried about people, I'm worried about actually about an actual mountain lion, Like well, there's a lot of people that live down at the river, so yes, yes, I get it. I don't blame you either.

Speaker 2: 26:48

But at the same time, like it's such, it's such a beautiful somatic work. Yeah, you know, just simply turn it on in the shower and just move, getting your body to move. We don't do that enough, and so any movement is what helps that? It helps the ideas flow, it helps the stories, it helps me find the story faster when I add that movement piece in.

Speaker 1: 27:09

Yes, yes, so true. And you know, and when I thinking back to like when I was in the deepest, darkest parts of my trauma, you know I wasn't moving, I was in bed all day. Yeah Right, I was in bed all day like staring at a screen trying to just like numb my mind. You know, and I talk about this, this quite a bit like when we're in depression. Depression, you know, depression is actually an absence of all emotion except for one.

Speaker 1: 27:39

Yeah, well, depression yeah yeah, right, and so you know, once you actually start getting up and moving, it actually does tend to help your body and your brain start to release dopamine and oxytocin and all of these things that we've been wanting to experience more of, which is why it does heal the nervous system and we're able to actually start getting out of those, those responses yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 28:13

So let's talk about a couple of easy ways to just start that parasympathetic. So we have these two systems. The sympathetic nervous system is the one who gives us the energy and moves us, and is the one that's in charge most of the time. Parasympathetic, they like to call it rest and digest.

Speaker 2: 28:30

It's, come back to our breath, it's when we come to just that stillness, and we need both in our life, right? We need the energy to move and go and we need to be able to rest, and so I love to just take my right hand and stick it on my heart, right, I like stick it in, so it's skin to skin, when I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I noticed that my breath is just really, you know, very shallow. Breath is just really, you know, very shallow. This actually signals your vagus nerve, the vagus nerve, and when you put your hand right here, it actually is right on top of it, because your vagus nerve comes down from your, from your brainstem, around both sides of your neck, and then what it does is it actually crosses right here at your vocal cords.

Speaker 2: 29:16

Yeah, that's interesting your truth, and singing and humming are such great ways to get out of that fight or flight. Um, that's why they say you can always tell a little, a little person is happy when they're singing, you know. So it crosses here and then it goes, it crosses your body. That's why the right half of your body controls the right half of your body, controls the right half of your brain, controls the left of your body. Right, those signals, they cross right here, but they come right here. So if you stick your hand right here, it signals your body to just take a deeper breath, just be present here. You are being present with yourself and you notice, as you do that for a second, that you just start to take deeper breaths and you settle yourself down.

Speaker 2: 30:01

And this is one way that you can regulate, because trauma dysregulates our nervous system. It's a synhyalert and so then we feel dysregulated, right, and so doing things like this to just calm down, I mean, there's all kinds of you can do tapping. You can even just do bilateral. You know any kind of back and forth motion, tapping your knees, right, they actually have sensors that well, someone told me the other day there's an app where you you hook it to your phone and then it hooks to your watch, like if you have a smartwatch, so it'll. If you hold your phone in one hand and have your watch on the other hand, that it'll just do that bilateral movement for you and that helps, I know, isn't that interesting?

Speaker 1: 30:47

I've never heard of that.

Speaker 2: 30:48

Wow, I've seen before people who wear wristbands who too that it. It does that. But so, yeah, so any sort of bilateral stimulation, even when you're having a client and you're talking to them and they can't quite access their feelings, just have them put their hands on their knees and just start tapping back and forth Not at the same time, just one after another, you know, but that bilateral stimulation helps regulate.

Speaker 1: 31:15

You know my coach she's she's actually been on the podcast a couple of times Kushla Chadwick she actually has been trained by is not the person that created EFT, but it was like his own personal students.

Speaker 1: 31:32

So he taught like four students and then one of those taught her how to how to do EFT and there are certain like tapping points and stuff that you can do.

Speaker 1: 31:42

You've got like the side of your hand when you're when you're wanting to change a thought or change a feeling or anything like that, and then as you talk it out, you know there's the inner eye, the outer eye, you know you've got your cheekbone under your nose, your chin, your heart, and which is, you know, which is really interesting, because she was mentioning that you want to keep it open, your hand as you're tapping over your heart, right, an open heart, and then you have it under your arm, just kind of right on your rib cage, and then the top of your head, and it just keeps circulating around.

Speaker 1: 32:19

But I will tell you I haven't seen anything work better than that practice. And I do essential oils, I do meditation, I love walking, I love things like that, but when we're talking about actually shifting, making big shifts, I've not seen anything work better, and the reason why is because it actually incorporates four of the touch points. Well, the four major touch points in creation, which is your mind, your voice, because you're talking it out right, your hands you're using your hands to to do all this work and then your energy. Right, it incorporates all four of those creation touch points, and so that's one of the reasons why it works so well.

Speaker 2: 33:07

Yeah, also because every one of those spots there's actually a nerve bundle, so you're actually touching back to your nervous system and that's why there's such specific points, because they're bundles of nerves in those places where you can access that nervous system again.

Speaker 1: 33:26

Wow, that's seen. I didn't know that. She didn't mention that to me, but how cool is that? Like I love this stuff. Yeah, I do.

Speaker 2: 33:33

Here's my other theory, and this is a I don't know. Anyway, I love to say that you know, we think we can do some of this work in the eternities, or we can muster through here and then, you know, maybe it'll get better later on or when we get to heaven, or whatever. Right, but I'm always like I think, how do I say this? I think that it's so important that we use our body in some of this healing work. This is our chance with our body, this is our existence with our body. The rest of it, we, you know. So why not use our body? Not just, we're not just going to think new thoughts and have new awarenesses, we're not just going to pray to God, like I come back to my little PEMS chair right Like we need to involve our physical body.

Speaker 1: 34:20

Absolutely. You know, oh you, okay, I'm totally going a Latter-day Saint on on my audience here, guys, because, you know, Latter-day Saints are people who love their temples, right, and we do a lot of proxy work in our temples their temples, right, and we do a lot of proxy work in our temples, so that way, families can be together. You know, we connect um parents to children and and children to parents and and parents to parents, right, like we connect families together. But one of the things we're also taught is our body is a temple and so what are we doing when we're actually doing this type of work? We're not waiting until the other side to connect all these pieces, right? No, we're actually. When you heal yourself, you are not, and I can promise and testify to this with 100 accuracy. When you heal your body, when you heal your nervous system, when you heal your nervous system, when you heal your trauma, you're not just healing you, you are healing generations.

Speaker 2: 35:22

For sure.

Speaker 1: 35:23

You are. You know, and I've watched this. Like you know, I've talked a little bit about my mom on this podcast and how. You know I definitely had a lot of trauma responses with her. You know, growing up and you know, clear into almost my 30s. Now my relationship with her is better than it's ever been. It's in a way that I never could have possibly imagined, but it's because I did the inner work and because I did the inner work, it has affected her, it's affected generation after generation after generation and it's definitely affected my kids Watching them, because nobody's free of trauma. I mean, how long I've been doing this? For 11 years, You've been doing this for 10 years. I'm still not free of trauma. You're not free of trauma we.

Speaker 2: 36:15

We still have traumas that come up, you know but I have mad skills to work through it when I exactly, yeah, exactly yeah.

Speaker 2: 36:24

And I teach my kids too. It's just amazing to watch how awesome they are. I love, I love to watch them interact and work through things and learn new things. And yeah, my mom, she's so funny. I can deeply relate to your story about your mom, my mom. I like to call her my research assistant at this point because she loves to look things up, and so if I mentioned something, she'll just be all over it. So as soon as I realized that, then now I'm like hey, mom, what do you think about this? And she'll come back with all this research for me. But this, and she'll come back with all his research for me. But, um, she called me one day, not very long ago and she was like do you know anything about trauma? And she's like she's all into learning about trauma. And I'm she's like do you know this? Do you know this? I'm like, um, yes, thank you, it's a good reminder, you know. But it's just so funny. She's all this is what she's thinking about now and learning about. And I'm like oh, I love it.

Speaker 1: 37:16

Welcome to the path, mom, and isn't it, isn't it beautiful? And you know, you know it's a very, it's very similar things too, because my mom is now starting to learn about relationships and self-love and self-acceptance and like, like these things, and it's like I'm so proud of her, I'm so proud of her and it's it's like, and I can feel it, you know, impacting past generations too. You know, not just my mom, but my grandma, my great grandma. You know, and and you know all the way through where these stories have started, right, and it's I. I can't share like all of it on the podcast, because some of it's very deeply and very precious personal experiences, but I know for a fact like, when you heal trauma, you know heaven celebrates, right, it really does I've had those experiences too, yeah yeah, it really does.

Speaker 1: 38:13

Oh, so good stuff. Oh, like one of my favorite podcasts I'm. I'm telling you this, she's's going to be back. You guys, we're definitely going to have Tara back. This is so much fun.

Speaker 1: 38:22

Okay, so we're talking about like movement else in my house actually, but you know, I love them because, you know, one of the things that I have learned is each one of the oils actually has a different emotional response, and the reason why is because your olfactory nerve and your olfactory bulb is right there next to your emotion and your trauma center. Believe it or not, right, it's right there. And so you know, whatever we're smelling does make a difference. It starts to calm the mind and shift the mind. Um, you know, I, I I'm totally, totally a doTERRA nerd. I love doTERRA oils, oils and um. One of my favorite to use in any type of like generational trauma healing is is like any one of the fur oils, because they are so grounded and they just kind of help bring you back down to earth and help like they are one of my favorites in calming the nervous system. You know what I mean.

Speaker 2: 39:37

I love cedarwood.

Speaker 1: 39:38

Yeah, or balance, or it used to be white, for it's Siberian, for now is actually the generational healer Awesome, you know. And so it's like there's so many things, so many things. I love essential oils, using essential oils along with meditation, you know what, like we've got some major, major tools here to try to start healing that nervous system, but one of the things that I really think that all of these take is the ability to be present enough with yourself to say I need to carve out some time to do these to be present enough with yourself to say I need to carve out some time to do these.

Speaker 1: 40:24

Yeah, you know, one thing I see a lot of people doing when they have struggles in their nervous system is they totally forget themselves, and this is one of the most like you know. I say this that you know you've got your fight, your your flight, your freeze and your fawn response, and I say the most dangerous is the fawn. Yeah, because, yeah, for a couple of reasons, like if you're pushing yourself, if you're people pleasing, that's a way to hide yourself, right. But the thing is, you end up hiding yourself so deeply that you can't find yourself Right. And these are the types of people that really, really struggle to carve out time for themselves to do these practices. So what do you suggest?

Speaker 2: 41:07

Well, recognizing it like awareness is the very first step, right, like. And so you know, I I like to tell people. I was telling the client yesterday, client yesterday, I call myself a people pleaser in recovery, a recovering people pleaser, because I did that for so many years Until the day that I realized that it was more self-serving than I thought, because I told myself I was doing it to help to, to do the things I thought you needed. I wasn't asking you what you needed, but I was. I was just assuming and jumping in and trying to be all the things to all the people, and the day that I realized that it was because I was uncomfortable and so I was trying to make you more comfortable, so I could be comfortable, and it was actually more self-serving than I thought. It's actually one of the most self-serving things, right. But as soon as you can see that piece and I know I have a lot of pushback because people are like, oh no, I just I love to help, I love to serve, I love to do this thing I'm like, yes, and you can't serve from an empty vessel.

Speaker 2: 42:19

So I had a client who she said, I just had this thing come to me yesterday and I want to share, like this object lesson that I gave my daughter. And I was like, okay, great. So she said I, she said to me why are you leaving this weekend? Why are you going away to spend time with your friend? You must not love me and I don't think you're ever coming back. And, um, you know, I'm, I'm worried she's just a little one and I'm worried that you're never coming back.

Speaker 2: 42:38

And and she said grab that cup. So she had this big cup and then she had four little ones, cause she has four little ones. And she said I'm going to pour my water into your cup, you know, so that you each have some. She said now mine's gone, so I'm going to fill it up again and then when I come back, then I can make sure that yours are all full. But it takes more than one trip.

Speaker 2: 43:00

And she said this is how I fill my cup, so that I have in there to give to you, because we can't serve from an empty cup. And so when I know that I get to take time, the more time I get to spend taking care of me, the more energy I have to take care of you. Then it's this beautiful figure eight again. Right that we go, it's a cycle. But if I don't do that, if I don't take that time to check in with my emotions and figure out how I feel about things, to recognize what's going on in my body, body, to see if I'm activated in my nervous system, then I, just, I, just I can spin out and we end up in compassion, compassion, fatigue and burnout.

Speaker 1: 43:46

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 43:47

We haven't filled our cup again.

Speaker 1: 43:50

Yes, oh my gosh, I think I might have to use that analogy Like that was so good, it's so good. But you know, this is amazing to note because it's so true. You know, if we don't take the time for ourselves, we do end up in burnout, we do end up in overwhelm, we do end up in what I call the adversaries, the seven adversaries. You know, you've got the seven pillars versus the seven adversaries, and I talk a little bit about that in the podcast. But overwhelm and burnout, that's the opposite of play, right? No, you're absolutely not able to give.

Speaker 1: 44:36

And the thing is, is you're, you're totally right, it's actually a way of manipulation, right? Like fight, yeah, yeah, nobody's going to come out of the fight looking quite pretty, I do think, but it doesn't quite last as long as FON. You get into the freeze, you know same thing. It doesn't quite last as long For some, for some, for some, right, that's true. Yeah, you know the flight, you know same thing.

Speaker 1: 45:16

But when you get into that fawn this is the one thing like people, the brain it's not anybody's fault, like, we're not blaming anybody because your brain does like crazy things. Right, to keep you safe, right, right. And so it learns. Well, if I hide myself and I extremely people please, and I just serve, serve, serve and I don't, and I just leave myself off to the side and I don't stand up for myself and I don't have a voice and I don't have those things, that I'm finally safe, right, right. But the problem is is this actually not addressing the problem? Yeah, it's never going to address that problem, right? We're not talking about it, we're hiding from it and we literally become a servant to the person or people that tend to hurt us the most, because we think that's all. The world is Right, right.

Speaker 2: 46:14

Yeah, and we think if we just do this one more thing, maybe they'll stop and we we won't hurt so much yeah, yeah, and it's.

Speaker 1: 46:22

It's actually a type of control, and that was you're talking about, like another one of the lessons that. One of the first lessons that god taught me was how I was actually in a cycle of control and I didn't realize it and once I saw it, I was like, oh my gosh, like that is so totally what I'm doing, right, and it's, it's such a very subtle way to manipulate. It's a very subtle way to manipulate and a subtle way to try to control. But the reason why you're doing it is so you can control how somebody else reacts, somebody else thinks somebody else lives.

Speaker 2: 47:03

Which is so funny, because when you say it out loud you're like but control is an illusion and I can't actually control you.

Speaker 1: 47:09

Right, but man do we sure try. Oh yes, man do we ever try? But it's like I feel, like you know just from my personal experience I'd love to hear yours that I think that the people that have the two, the two I see the most with people who have a very, very stuck nervous system is definitely the fawn or the fight, and I think it's because once people realize that the fawn isn't working, well, then they come out swinging, you know, and so they kind of vacillate sometimes between the two.

Speaker 2: 47:49

Yeah, I think they kind of I would say they spin in all of them. But yeah, for sure, those are probably the two most popular.

Speaker 1: 47:57

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 47:58

So interesting. But you know we could do a whole other podcast about this, but I literally I see all of those as just survivor strategies.

Speaker 1: 48:06

It is.

Speaker 2: 48:07

Right, I come up like this is my survivor strategy. I'm going to fight my way out of it so that you can't hurt me anymore.

Speaker 1: 48:14

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 48:15

Protect my wound Right my way out of it so that you can't hurt me anymore. Yeah, protect my wound right. Or I'm going to please my way out of it so that, or I'm just going to ignore it and pretend like it doesn't happen.

Speaker 1: 48:22

Yeah, yeah, yes, oh, we totally could do a whole other podcast about that. Yes, we could, we totally could. And one of the things, too, that I also want to really mention to you, my beautiful listeners, is is it's not your fault, like nobody's blaming you, nobody's judging you. Well, if they are, it's not us, but like we're not blaming you, we're not judging you, like it's just really good, like Tara was saying, to be aware of what's going on. And so if you're finding yourself, you know, stuck in, you know your nervous system, and knowing that you need to heal that nervous system, you know, get out and walk, start shaking it off.

Speaker 2: 49:06

Shake it off.

Speaker 1: 49:07

Shake it off Right, do the? Do the whole Taylor Swift thing. Shake it off. Do some meditation, eft, get into those scriptures like there's some beautiful, beautiful things in the scriptures, you know, uh, that can teach you about trauma and how to heal it. Um, and really build up all four of these pieces your mental, your emotional, your spiritual and your physical and you'll start noticing a big difference. Yeah for sure, yeah, absolutely. Tara, thank you so much for being here. Wow, like such a good podcast. I'm so excited to go and like just shake like I want. I want to shake right now like I really do and and get that figure eight going, because you know, there's oh, just so much yummy energy from that, yeah, and from this podcast yes, good stuff.

Speaker 1: 50:09

We will definitely have Tara back. Do you um? Where do people find you if they want to come talk to you?

Speaker 2: 50:15

um, you know you can find me on shaleyhopecom. There's a lot of free resources there. I also teach classes. I teach a class called Facilitating Emotional Literacy to teach coaches how to, because it's a piece that's missing out of a lot of coaching programs. So I have that one just how to help your clients through their emotional stuff and the different see the different patterns that they have. So it's a six-week or you know it has six lessons. And then, yeah, I also teach certification, one-year-long certification course which is a lot of group coaching, a lot of practicing, so that you're not just left out in the cold after three days to say good luck, right, it's like. It's like all the things you need, all the ethics, all the formats, all the paperwork that you need. You know everything in one place. So, yeah, you can find shayolihopecom. Will you put a link in the notes?

Speaker 1: 51:11

Sure, absolutely, absolutely. And you know I work a lot with both Tara and Ronwin, who are who are the heads of Shaley Hope, and so I can tell you it's a great place and I love both of them. You're in good hands when you talk to them too, so you're a good success story for us.

Speaker 2: 51:26

We love it. Yeah, yeah, it's good, it's amazing, it's fun, isn't it?

Speaker 1: 51:34

Yeah, my gosh, it's so much fun. I love it. I love it. Awesome, All right, thanks you guys. We will see you on the other side. Bye.