Boundaries are the Foundation of Healing Trauma Plus So Much More

What is a boundary anyway and why do we want them?

Somehow we know that they are foundational to our healing...

but they're not well defined.

In today's episode, I talk about what boundaries are and how we can actually use them to heal...

and create the life and relationships that we actually want.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 2:27

Hey my nubs, welcome back to another episode of The Other Side of the Struggle. Okay, first, I really honestly have to say thank you to you guys. I have been podcasting now for the last five years. Started with this particular podcast, and we have hit over 20,000 downloads, and it just keeps growing every single month. And a lot of it is because you guys keep downloading the episodes. Hopefully, this is helping you guys. You guys are sharing the podcast. So, really, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you very much for making this such a success. And I hope that you guys are finding the content that I keep putting out helpful for you, healing for you, and hopefully, you know, between this podcast and Bold Heart's big moves, you guys are also finding some answers in your next steps forward. However, again, if you guys would love some specific, specified personalized help with any of that, there is always that boundaries call. That is with me specifically. You guys can go ahead and schedule that. It's an hour-long call where you and I are going to get in on what's going on in your life, where you want to be, and we're going to talk about installing some boundaries, and we're going to get into what those are today, so that way you can predict your results. You can actually craft the conversations that need to be had, that you can actually stand and lead your life without fear of trauma anymore. So if that's something you would love, if you would love to be able to heal trauma in such a way that makes you proud of yourself, that makes what you want very clear, that makes you at the helm, the dri the driver in your life. Give this give this boundaries call a shot. There's never any obligation to buy anything. As a matter of fact, I don't even talk about selling on these calls. If you guys want to learn what more about what it looks like to work with me, we schedule another call after that. This call is a hundred percent just from me to you as a gift, so that way I can help you with your next steps forward in healing your trauma and creating the life that you love. Okay. Alright. So click on the link, get some time right now, schedule that call. And by oh, also one more thing, guys. The the calls do actually fill up pretty fast. And so if you guys want one, get in on it right now. And if those times are filled up, if those slots are filled up, then please feel free to keep trying. Okay. Or you're even welcome to email me at erinanders at erinanderson dash coaching.com and I can see if I can find another slot for you. Okay? I'm here to help. I just want you to know that. Now, without further ado, let's get into the conversation around boundaries. Okay. Now, again, I talk about boundaries a lot in the Bold Hearts Big Moves podcast. I definitely suggest that you guys head over to that podcast as well. Thank you also for giving that one some love. It's growing as well. But I talk about the different types of boundaries at the beginning of that podcast. So it definitely goes into a lot more depth because especially when we want to create money, when we want to create freedom for ourselves, boundaries matter in a big way. And where Bold Heart's big moves is all about the entrepreneur spirit and finding freedom in entrepreneurship, boundaries really matter, but boundaries also matter when it comes to healing. See, here's the thing: I do coach female entrepreneurs and actually recently male entrepreneurs. I've had a lot of wonderful, wonderful men come through my coaching doors wanting help with their businesses and their boundaries because they see the need for the leadership. They see the need for real masculinity coming through, not toxic masculinity, but real masculinity where women can feel safe in the world. And it's been such a privilege and a pleasure to start coaching these men through boundaries and seeing the results they're getting. Oh my gosh, guys. It's it's gorgeous, it's wonderful. And it's it's yummy to see the boundaries that a that a man puts forth, and yummy to see the boundaries that a feminine puts forth. Like, oh guys, I I sometimes seriously wish you guys could just sit here in my seat and and hear the conversations I get to have with people because they are so good. They are so good, so yummy. But an entrepreneur can also just be a stay-at-home mom. Entrepreneurship doesn't necessarily involve money, though that is a big part of it. And let's be honest, out of all of the listeners that are on this podcast, how many of you don't want more money? Right? Probably not a thing. Most of you guys would love money to either do more things with your family. Maybe money is the way to freedom for you right now. Maybe you know for a fact that you need to leave a toxic marriage and you're wondering how to do that. Right? Matter of fact, my podcast episode, Women Need Their Own Money, is the most listened to episode. So I know that money is a big piece, right? But entrepreneurs are people who create results in this world who know what they want to do, they get into organization, they create an environment, and they put forth a certain type of result to this world. They don't always get paid. So entrepreneurship doesn't always mean that we make money. There are a lot of people out there that do 501c3s, uh, nonprofits, they're considered entrepreneurs, but I also consider stay-at-home moms entrepreneurs. Because let's be honest with you guys, okay? You create a home, you have to have planning in place. That's an entrepreneur activity, you have to have organization in place, you're taking you you have schedules, you have things that you are juggling, and here's the deal: your product that you're putting forth into the world is your kids. You have a vision for how you want it to look, for what you want the next generation to give to this world, to be in this world. And some of you are really threatened by this because you don't have a partner that's on board with you. And I get that. So a lot of the questions I get from, you know, the side on on trauma, right? From the entrepreneurs that are dealing with husbands that don't that don't step up, that are narcissistic, that don't care about how their impact or their how their actions impact her. I get a lot of questions from them. And I also get a lot of questions from, you know, the the the wife of the husband who does care, but he doesn't know how to stop it. Okay. Some of those questions r involve like, how do I trust again? How do I ever trust him again? How do I ever trust myself again? Oftentimes, those of you that are in this category who are dealing with trauma are also wondering how like how did I get myself into this situation? There's a lot of self-blame. Let me tell you that that doesn't happen here. Emotional trauma and emotional stuff is really hard to navigate. And then when you add on relational issues and you know, I doubt there's a ton of you that are listening to this that are therapists. I do know there are a lot of therapists out there listening to this podcast. I actually get stopped a lot about it, right? And by the way, those you therapists that are listening, you guys are awesome too, because I get a lot of compliments on on this podcast a lot. Okay. So all good things, all good things that happen. But for the most part of you, you guys are not understanding the cognitive behaviors behind or the or the cognition that's driving the behavior, right? You just know that the behavior is there, and you're like, what do I do with this? But this is why I say boundaries are key to just about everything that we do, everything that we say we want, everything that we say we're going to create. They are the key and the structure behind creating lasting transformation in our relationships that are causing trauma, and also in our results, if we're dealing with low income, there are boundaries that we can put into place that change that. At least not yet. Okay, but I'm noticing like there are certain boundaries that I've been putting in place that have brought a lot more financial freedom into my life, and almost in a miraculous way. And I wish, I really wish we had hours upon hours upon hours to talk, because you know, I would totally tell you guys about this kind of stuff, and maybe we'll get into that in one of the next future episodes. But science, unfortunately, is such that people's attention spans usually, especially in podcasts, lasts for about 30 minutes. So that's why I try to keep my episodes right at that sweet spot, okay? Because I want to give you guys enough, but not overwhelm you. So I'm not gonna get into the science behind it today. I'm not gonna get into why your husband is the way he is today. I'm not gonna get into the difference between narcissists and avoidance today. I'll give you one little hint. Narcissists actually don't want to be seen, avoidance do, but we'll get into that another day. Okay. But today, the thing that I think is gonna help you the most, and this is actually what's on my heart. After I've been praying and I'm asking the Lord, like what is the message you guys really need to hear today? Is what is a boundary. Now I do talk about that in bold hearts, but in big moves, but I'm gonna talk about it in here today and why it's your key to freedom. Okay, traditionally, we have been taught that boundaries are the walls that we put between us and another person. And no wonder why there's a lot of controversy and uh mixed feelings and mixed messages around boundaries. Because if that's what we believe a boundary is, no wonder there's a lot of controversy and confusion. Because there's going to be a lot of mixed feelings about that definition. We know we need relationships in our life, but if we're constantly having to reach over them through a 10-thick wall, ten foot thick wall, let's let's clarify that. Well, that doesn't make relationships very enjoyable at all, does it? We want relationships for the enjoyment that it brings to our life. But we often find trauma because of the the discord and the disagreements and the breaking of our relationships.

SPEAKER_00 17:28

Right? So what do we do?

SPEAKER_01 17:35

This is why I don't believe that that is the definition of what a boundary, a real boundary, is my loves. See a boundary is it's not about what we put between us and another person. That can be the result of a boundary. But to make a boundary unbreakable, we have to be in complete and utter control of it. Therefore, unbreakable boundaries are all about who we choose to be, no matter what. You know, I actually just had a conversation with a client today about the boundary of I will always be honest, and that was an easy boundary in some relationships, but when it came to relationships that are way closer to her heart, that what became a boundary that was a lot harder. But the problem with this, the problem with the inconsistency in saying this is who we are, I am an honest person. If we are not honest across the board, we are actually in violation with ourselves. We are violating our values, we're violating who we say we're going to be, and we're saying we are this, but then just kidding. Because this person that's really close to me doesn't deserve my honesty because I might get abandoned by them. You know, and when I pointed that out to my wonderful, wonderful client, bless her heart, you can see just all that hurt. Because that's what she's believed for the longest time that people are piranhas. That's how they've shown up in her life. So no wonder why she's got some ten foot thick walls, right? But it's a really lonely place to be when we have those types of walls around us at a constant pace and constant speed. What we really need is to be constant with ourselves. See, a boundary is all about who you choose to be, how you choose to show up in this life. It is how you choose to be the person that God put on this planet.

SPEAKER_00 20:21

What does that mean? What do you value? Do you value family?

SPEAKER_01 20:30

If you value family, do you still value them when you're not being seen and heard? And you allow that? We'll get into how not to allow in just a second, okay? Do you still show up in honesty if you're honest with your clients? Maybe you're honest with your kids as teachers, maybe you're honest with your kids, but not your husband, not your mom, not your dad, not your best friend. Because you're afraid that they'll abandon you. See, our fears are what stop us from acting consistently all the time. You know, you guys, I don't know if you guys have heard me talk about like one of my boundaries that I'm working on right now is I will do what I say I'm going to do when I say I'm going to do it, right? Well, there's a few things that get in my way with this boundary, like my health. Guys, I'm working on my health. I'm being totally transparent, vulnerable and honest with you guys right now. Because guess what? I value being honest, transparent, and vulnerable with my audience. I want, I value your trust. If if if I don't allow myself to be vulnerable and honest with you guys, you're not gonna trust me. And I want you to trust me because if you trust me, then you're actually gonna put into practice what I say to do. And if you put into practice what I say, you're gonna what I say to do, you're gonna see a result from that. That matters to me, and not only that, I have lived it, right? So I get like there are things that get in the way of our boundaries for this particular boundary. My health gets in the way of the boundary a lot, but you know what? This leads me to another boundary that I need to start working on. I am healthy, right? Well, now I need to start defining what healthy is, and sometimes that's hard, especially like when I'm doing back-to-back-to-back coaching days. On top of that, by the way, please be patient with me as I get podcast episodes out for the next little bit, guys, because I started a licensed social working program. I want to have some certifications behind my name, not just not just the fact that I coach, I want to have some certifications. So I'm going to school full-time. I'm coaching you full-time. I'm a mom full-time. I've got a lot of full-time things happening, right? If I'm going to be healthy, sometimes that feels a little overwhelming for me sometimes. Right now. Right? Because I look at that and I'm like, oh my gosh, that takes time. My time is pretty, pretty condensed as it is right now. You know, between coaching, family, schoolwork, you know, it's so easy for me to say, I don't have the time to be healthy right now. I don't have the time to make that salad. I don't have the time to eat that apple, guys. It's an apple. It takes 30 seconds to cut it. Right? But because of the fear around the time, it's so easy for me to ignore this. So boundaries are literally a series of who we're gonna be. They are our integrity, they structure us in such a way that keeps us flexible yet firm. Because that is what safety is flexibility yet firmness. Because the thing that keeps getting in my way with I will do what I say I'm gonna do when I say I'm gonna do it, is my health. Then that also means that to make that boundary a success, I need to be healthy, right? Okay. So that's something that's in my control. My results are inside of my control. But now, how do we apply that to another person, right? That is acting outside of our value system. A lot of you guys have signed up to this podcast five years ago and you still are listening to every single episode because you are struggling in your personal relationships, probably and almost especially the one that you have with your husband. Because maybe your husband is into pornography. Maybe he's into gaming. Maybe he's just not connecting. Like whatever it is, he's falling short and you know it. And it is obvious to your heart and your soul about the way that he is or is not showing up. You worry about your kids in that situation. I get it. So what boundaries can you put in place when your husband is acting this way? This is why I love the boundary of honesty. Okay? But we're going to get into the dynamics of this boundary in this particular situation here. See, in the boundary of I will be honest, that means no matter what, we have to tell our husband, whether he listens, whether he doesn't, whether he likes it or where whether he doesn't, we have to tell him how his impact or how his actions are impacting us. That's actually really important. They can't people cannot make different decisions with the same amount of information. This is why we have to tell people how their actions affect us. Now, if they don't, they have the information, they still decide not to change, that's on them. But at least you gave them the information. But honest isn't just honest with your spouse, it's honest with yourself, too. You know, I love the podcast from John Deloney. I listen to him quite a bit. And I I agree with a lot of what he says, but one of the things that he says a lot is behavior as a language. If like if you were looking at their behavior as a language, what would they be telling you? Then we get to use our words to clarify. Hey, you know, this is kind of the message I'm getting. And these are the reasons why I'm getting that message. Is that the message you're meaning to send through to me? But that might be terrifying for some of you. And the reason being is because maybe you know your husband's not going to engage with you. And maybe you look at yourself as someone who has no way to support herself. Maybe you look at maybe you'll maybe he'll leave.

SPEAKER_00 28:12

Maybe he'll hurt you.

SPEAKER_01 28:15

Maybe he'll try to get at you in any way he possibly can. But this is why it's really important for you to be who you say you're gonna be no matter what. Okay? Does that mean like, okay, extreme. If there is a husband that is physically, mentally, emotionally hurting a wife, and he does not care, that's not somebody I think needs to be need your words. Okay. Honesty is still being honest with yourself and saying this is not the the relationship for me, and we start making an exit plan. Okay, maybe that exit plan is grab the kids' shoes in the middle of the night and get out. I have a good friend that did that, okay, to get away from her abusive husband. And bless her heart. Luckily she did have family to to land on, and she got through school, she got her nursing degree, and she's taking good care of her and her kids now. But uh this is why you're gonna need people. If you're in that situation, you need people. Sometimes church communities unfortunately do not support you. So you've got to find community that will. But just while you get your feet back back underneath you, there are houses that and there are places for women to go while they get their feet back underneath them. So that way they no longer have to put up with the abuse. If you're in that situation, I highly encourage you to seek one out. Luckily, though, for most of my listeners, that is not the situation you're in. But you may be looking at a marriage that you know is not gonna go anywhere, and you're like, I don't have any skills. My loves, this is another reason my boundaries matter. Because when you believe in yourself, right, like another one of my values is education. I do. I value a higher education, I value being educated. Goodness, like I'm going back to school after 20 years. I got my bachelor's degree in 2006, and now I'm starting my master's degree in 2026, right? But I've been educating myself for the last 20 years, no matter what. I just don't have the degree behind it. Now I'm gonna go get it. Because I am educated, I make sure that I do the things that are necessary to be educated. Because here's the thing: when we say we are going to be a certain person, then we also have to get clearer with the definition. What if we say we are going to be honest, then we need to define what honesty looks like because when we define what honesty looks like, then we start to define the actions of what honesty also looks like.

SPEAKER_00 31:54

When we define the actions, we can predict the results. If you know, and again, I hope that this is the not the norm for you, okay?

SPEAKER_01 32:10

But I'm pretty sure there are some of you that are in this podcast listening right now and begging me to address what do I do when I know that this marriage needs to end. If that's you and you know that's the result, then you've got to say, like, what are the actions and beliefs behind that result? I would also encourage you guys to go back through the podcast. There is an episode about the five-step thought process. I would get clear on that. Okay. So that way you can see how your circumstances turn into thoughts, your yeah. Circumstances turn to thoughts, your thoughts turn to feelings, your feelings turn to action, your actions turn to result. And I explained that five-step thought process in that episode. But if you know that the result needs to be that you need to leave the marriage, you need to get clear with what that's going to look like. Now, your brain is going to show you some pretty scary scenarios. It doesn't mean you have to believe every single one of those scenarios. You need to look for all the different types of scenarios and which one will work best for you. That doesn't mean that the result doesn't come with some serious challenge, too. Making money, like if I say six figures, like I have actually hit six figures, I have hit it twice now, right? But if I'm going to hit a six-figure business, there's some big, hairy, scary actions that have to come behind that business. Sometimes that's actually asking for a sale. And I have been taught that asking for sales is sleazy and yucky, and we shouldn't ask for things that we want from other people because that's not good. I had to face that fear because here's what I've learned. Now that I've faced it, because this is the result I wanted, right? I've learned that asking for sales is actually what helps my clients the best. Because most of the time, like, yes, I'll offer from some free things. Like I had this podcast is free. I offer free calls, I offer a lot of free things. But when people really, really, really are ready for the transformation, and they really, really, really are ready to have this result in their life that they are done. Like they they're done with with the way their life has been, and they're like, okay, let's go. Those people, I offer them a package. I offer them a sale, right? Because those are the people that need to put some serious value behind the results so they actually achieve it. See, part of the reason why I've hit six figures twice is because I paid a coach to help me get there. I put enough value in the process. I valued myself, I valued the result enough that I was willing to pay for it. And that committed me right there. So I've learned that sales are not a bad thing. They don't like put me in jeopardy with God or Christ. As a matter of fact, they help it, they help my standing with him because I have been able to help many people change their lives for the better, going from feeling like they have to be stuck in narcissistic relationships to feeling completely free from all of them and knowing how to speak to the narcissist so that way the narcissist goes away. Or how they can stand for themselves. And I teach them this concept about boundaries being who you say you're going to be no matter what, without fail, that you're not going to betray yourself ever again just for someone else. There's not a single relationship on this planet that is worth that. And you know, I think about like my kids. I love my husband dearly. I love my kids with my entire soul. They are my flesh, they are my soul. Like, it'd be like cutting off my right arm. It literally would be to let one of my kids go, but if that was what they needed, I would honor it and respect it. I wouldn't try to mold myself to be what they thought I should be. Because the thing is, is I'm confident enough to know what love looks like and how love, my love for them impacts them. See, if I'm constantly molding myself to what somebody thinks that I should be, I am giving them way more control than what they can handle. That's hard. We can only control one person at a time. If we're trying to control someone else, we are not controlling ourselves. If we're controlling ourselves, we cannot control another person. We cannot control more than one person at a time. And controlling someone else is just freaking hard anyway, because we can't make them move their arms. We can't make them walk the walk, we can't make them say the right things. We can manipulate the holy living heck out of them.

SPEAKER_00 38:15

But that doesn't make us feel good about ourselves, no, does it? And here's the deal. I want to be somebody I like. I have to live with myself.

SPEAKER_01 38:33

So if I'm in control of me, my kids don't deserve to control me. They don't like that's not kind to them. What is kind is them knowing that they can predict me. That I am somebody that's constant. That they know where I stand, that they know where my values are, and that they also know that I will never ever judge them. For the like I'll celebrate the good and I'm gonna walk with them in the bad. And even though it would be hard if one of my kids ever decided to cut off contact with me, I honestly can say that I would cry. I'd be praying my ever loving guts out. But I would stay constant because someday, if they ever if I was ever gonna have a shot of them coming back to me, I'd want them to feel safe to do it. If I'm constantly all over the place trying to please them, I'm not breeding trust with them. They're gonna wonder how I'm gonna show up today if they came home. But if they know if they knew without a doubt, that if they came home covered in chicken poop, that I'd still that I'd throw my arms around them, tell them that they needed to get in the shower, but they still found home here. They still had a place. I was gonna be honest with them, I was gonna support them, whether they loved everything I said or not. But they knew that I had their back because that's the way I show up. Right? That's a boundary with me. That's not a boundary with them, that's a boundary with me. That's how I've defined the kind of mom I want to be. I've defined the type of wife I want to be. I'm not afraid to tell my husband the truth, whether he likes it or not. I'm not cruel about it, because there's nothing about me that's cruel. But I am honest, and sometimes honesty does cut, and I allow it to do so if it needed. I don't shake it off. I don't allow him to redirect because he's feeling uncomfortable. I keep bringing it back, right? Because that's what honesty is. I've defined what honesty is. It's up to us to define how these terms look in our life because then we can define the action behind it. Boundaries are behind all of it. Every single last piece. If somebody says they're a seven or eight-figure business owner, they have to say that before they actually achieve it. Mary Morrissey talks about how everything needs to be created twice, once in our head and then once on the outside of us. We have to see ourselves in action, living in our res in our values, so that way we can actually achieve the results we want and still feel good about who we are. Because that's the definition of safety. Who are we gonna be? Define those words, get the action, the results become clear. If you want help with this, my loves, feel free to schedule that call. You will get me sitting down with a com in a conversation with you. Please, though, if you schedule that call, fill out the questionnaire so that way we can take that entire hour and really focus on reframing your boundaries. We can get into what's holding you back from being able to create the life you say you want. What is the fear that's stuck in your nervous system, and how do we oust it? I love doing that for my clients, and I love seeing what they receive after the fear is gone. Better relationships, a lot more money, business, success, prestige, and all the things that they wanted coming down the pipeline. Alright, my loves. Boundaries. What are they? They're how you choose to show up in a way that makes you love yourself no matter what. All parts of you, but not a piece of you that gets left out.

SPEAKER_00 43:44

And how do they help you?

SPEAKER_01 43:46

They give you the action steps and the structure to get your results. Alright, my loves. I'll see you on the other side. Bye.