I Want Boundaries, But They Feel So Hard To Hold

Sometimes the hardest part about boundaries isn’t knowing what to say…

it’s actually holding the boundary once guilt, fear, anxiety, or pressure shows up.

In this episode, we’re diving deep into why boundaries can feel so difficult to hold — especially for women who have spent years people-pleasing, over-explaining, rescuing others, or abandoning themselves to keep the peace.

Because boundaries are not just about discipline.

They’re about safety.

Your nervous system, your relationships, your past experiences, your self-belief, and even your faith all play a role in whether you feel safe enough to honor yourself consistently.

Inside this episode, we talk about:
 ✨ Why guilt shows up when you start changing
 ✨ The real reason people struggle to hold boundaries
 ✨ How survival patterns become self-abandonment
 ✨ Why boundaries feel “wrong” even when they’re healthy
 ✨ The connection between boundaries, self-trust, money, and supportive relationships
 ✨ How to stop making decisions based on fear and start making them from identity and values

This conversation is for the woman who is tired of betraying herself just to be accepted.

The woman who wants to feel confident saying no without spiraling afterward.

The woman who is ready to trust herself again.

Because boundaries are not punishment.

They are self-respect in action.

And the more you honor your values, your peace, your voice, and your standards…

the more your life begins organizing itself around the version of you that you’re becoming.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 2:27

Hey my loves, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle. Okay. Boundaries. We're talking about boundaries again today. Now again, don't forget if you guys want more information about boundaries, I definitely suggest you go listen to my other podcast, Bold Hearts and Big Moves, because especially right at the very beginning, I talk about boundaries and the different types of boundaries that we have and how they play into play into our lives. So go check out those episodes, especially if you're curious about the seven different types of boundaries, how to know if a boundary is working or how to know if it's not. That's all in that podcast as well. And we're diving into that because sometimes a lot of guilt comes up with our boundaries, right? And the shame and the shoulding. And all of the voices in the past that have told us that when we try to hold boundaries, we're too much, we're too inconvenient, etc. And those voices have caused an emotional reaction inside of our body. And so a lot of times we're told not to trust our boundaries. So that's coming up. So what do we do? We know we should say no. You know that you should stop over-explaining yourself, you know you need to stop rescuing people, and you need to stop lowering your standards. You need to stop abandoning yourself just to keep this the peace. But whenever you try to hold a boundary, all of these emotions come up, and you it's scary, it feels threatening, and you just do what you've known, which is to hide, stop talking, and throw yourself under the bus. And suddenly that boundary that felt so clear in your head feels impossible. So today I want to talk about why boundaries feel so hard to hold, even when you know they're right. Because most people think they struggle with boundaries when they're weak, but that's not true. Most people struggle with boundaries because somewhere they've learned that it wasn't safe, that it was gonna get them hurt if they tried to stand up for themselves. And then we get into this belief that boundaries create rejection, conflict, abandonment, punishment, loss, disconnection, unsafe. Right? And so you fight back, you fight against yourself when you try to hold one. That just simply makes you conditioned, and conditioning can be undone. Boundaries aren't just about discipline. Just hold the line, stop caring what people think, just say no. Boundaries are not just behavioral. The thing is, is they're emotional, neurological, relational, spiritual. They're about anchoring into truth and being unwilling to do anything outside of truth, outside of what God created you to be. That is what boundaries are all about. And for every boundary, there's a belief behind it, and or every boundary breaking. I should say, there's a belief behind it about like what holding a boundary means. If I disappoint people, they're gonna leave me. My value comes from being needed, or love has to be earned, or conflict means I'm unsafe, and boundaries then feel absolutely terrifying, and I get it. So we try to hold a boundary intellectually, or by manipulating, and I'm not saying you guys are manipulative or controlling, but when we abandon ourselves frequently and we learn that holding a boundary is unsafe, then it doesn't just put us into hiding, it makes us subconsciously try to manipulate the other person so we can finally find safety because safety is a need, and so we try to hide, and hiding itself is kind of a type of manipulation and control because we're trying to control the actions and the responses of another person by what we're doing. Holding a boundary is no longer doing that. We're not gonna control their actions or their responses. Of course, like if if we're feeling physically unsafe, I don't expect you to speak up, but I do expect you to get safe. I do. Okay. And when you're finally safe, hold the line, hold the truth. Because it's not about what somebody else expects you to do or expects from you anymore. That is their responsibility. Their life and their emotions and their reactions is their responsibility. You're not responsible for that. You can't be. You can't be responsible for them and yourself at the same time, and this is also another reason why we have to hide is because we're making them more important. And both them and us cannot be top dog in our life. And if we've been taught that somebody else needs to be top dog in our life, naturally we're gonna fall behind. Okay, so you create this boundary intellectual, but your nervous system still associates the boundary with danger. And this is where we say, I know what I should do, but I I it's just so scary. I just I don't know that I can. I can't follow through. Boundaries are not held by information alone, they're held by safety, feeling safe. And this is why I say, like, if you're struggling with money, money isn't the problem. Relationships are usually the problem. Safety is the problem because when your body doesn't feel safe, you naturally make different decisions. Sometimes people think, well, if I really respected myself, I'd just hold the boundary. But I think most boundary breaking is happening because people are trying to protect themselves, not hurt themselves. People pleasing is protection, over-explaining is a type of protection, staying quiet is a type of protection, rescuing everybody is a type of protection, avoiding conflict is a type of protection, but the problem is these protections eventually become prisons, and prisons are not a safe place. And so we've traded something valuable for this illusion of what safety is, realizing we don't have it. Because it keeps showing up. This is where people get really frustrated with themselves. Like, why do I keep doing this? Your nervous system is asking what keeps me safe right now, and it goes to default. So there's two very different questions here. And the one question is why do I keep doing this? And the other question is what do I need to understand? They're two very different questions. And this is where boundaries can actually start to be solid because boundaries will teach your nervous system like a true boundary, unwillingness to abandon your oneself teaches you that you can survive and thrive in disappointment. I can survive and thrive even if someone doesn't like what I say or do, if there's someone that's upset with me, I can survive and thrive not being understood. I can survive and thrive saying no. I can survive and thrive whenever I choose me. And I live and go on my path, and I be what God created me to be. And it would make sense too, guys. Now there's opposition out there wanting to stop you from being that version of yourself. That's the version that the adversary is terrified of, and that he really does not want you to figure out. Because if you get there and you figure out why you are here and what you are, that's the scariest thing in the world to him. Because not only do you kick him to the curb, you teach other people how to do it. And his influence becomes less and less and less. It's why boundaries are so important being who we who God created us to be. And that's powerful. But every boundary you hold becomes evidence to you that you're safe with yourself and you're safe in God's arms. That He's got you. And that trust changes everything. Because if you don't trust yourself, you're not going to trust your decisions, your voice, your instincts, and your creation. What God created you to be. A lot of women say they trust God, but then they don't trust the part of themselves God is trying to lead. And that's true for men too, by the way. So let's talk about the guilt that comes up when you try to hold a boundary. Because guilt is one of the biggest reasons people decide to abandon their boundaries and jump ship. And I want you to hear this because God guilt does not automatically mean guilt, excuse me, guilt does not automatically mean you're doing something wrong. It just simply means that you're doing something different. And it's asking, this is your body asking, are we safe? Okay, and you get to show your body that yes, you are. Maybe they're not. But you're also telling them that's the that's the best they can do is just to always be unsafe. I have a really strong boundary, and I it's it's I don't cast my pearls before stri before swine. I'm not calling people pigs when I say this. It's just simply that I don't put myself in front of people who are gonna devalue me. I just I just don't. I'm not going to try and beg for relationships where relationships are not wanted. I'm not gonna be begged to be seen by people who do not want to see me. Because if people are gonna be in my circle, they get to be the very best versions of themselves because I want them to like themselves whenever they're around me, not loathe themselves. And they can't do that if every single time they're around me I hide or tell them that that's the best they can do. That's not compassion. Compassion is seeing the most true version of them and holding that standard for them. Sometimes that looks like having really uncomfortable conversations, sometimes that looks like calling people out when they're out of alignment. But it's still their choice whether they get back in alignment or not. I can't make decisions, I cannot act for someone. So when I say I don't cast my pearls before swine, it means that I keep my value where value is appreciated. See, if the old version of you is built around survival and the new version of you is being built around truth, that's gonna feel really different. That's gonna feel a little bit like a conflict, and I think this is where faith becomes incredibly important because we are going to act upon faith. We're gonna step into what feels uncomfortable and just allow ourselves to feel the discomfort for a minute. Because either way, we're gonna feel the discomfort. You can choose to feel uncomfortable by leaning into faith, leaning into the boundary, leaning into this, or you can be uncomfortable hiding. Under a bus is not a very fun place to hide, it's full of rocks and other things, spiders, mice might be down there. Like, I don't want to sit under a bus. I don't know about you, but I don't. That's not a comfortable place. Either one is going to be difficult, but only one offers you a path to the staircase of growth. You're not going to grow under a bus. You're going to grow weaker and more distant and quieter. And feel less and less and less like you actually matter. That's not the pathway to growth. People need to hear this. Being compassionate does not mean abandoning yourself. Being loving does not mean tolerating disrespect. Being kind does not mean saying yes to everything. And sometimes the most loving thing you can do is tell the truth clearly, calmly, honestly, even if someone doesn't like it, and simply honor their reaction. I'm sorry that that's or that's unfortunate. I should don't never apologize for their reaction. Sorry about that. That's unfortunate that you feel that way. However, this is still where I stand. That's not disrespectful, that's not unkind, that's not rude. That's simply holding the line and trusting people with their reactions and their emotions. So that way they too can discover their own journey. If we try to control another person's experience by hiding, silencing ourselves, shrinking, people pleasing, etc., we are in a sense trying to take away from them the opportunity to grow. Too. I'm not willing to do that, and I don't think you are either. So how do we actually start to hold the boundaries? Well, first, we stop trying to become someone who never feels uncomfortable because boundaries sometimes are uncomfortable. We sit in the discomfort. The goal is becoming someone who can feel discomfort without abandoning themselves. Second, stop viewing boundaries as a punishment. Boundaries are simply clarity, they are simply you being authentic to yourself and authentic to God, being what God created you to be, and not abandoning God and yourself simply because someone demands it from you. So they didn't have to change. They hated being in his presence because his very presence invites change. So they wanted him to conform, they wanted him to change, they wanted him to silence himself. He refused. Can you imagine where we would be if he people pleased? And if he showed up to conform to the standards of someone else and not the standards that God had created for him when he created Christ. When he showed up for himself, he showed up for the world. And the same is true for us. Boundaries are clarity, they're communication, they are self-respect in action. How I live inside my values and standards in a way that allows me to feel proud of who I am matters. That's what boundaries are, that's it. You need identity-based boundaries, not emotion-based boundaries. Emotions are gonna fluctuate, but identity will anchor. This is who I am. I am honest. Well, define honest. What does that look like? I am respectful. Define respect. What does that look like? I am my own best friend. How does a best friend treat you? How do you treat your best friend? Give that to yourself. I am someone who protects my peace. What is peace? What is protection? I am someone who listens to myself. What does someone who listens to you? How do you know they're listening? What do they do? I am someone who follows through. All of these things, they are I am statements and they deserve definition. Because when you have definition, you can see the action, and when you have the action, then you can gain the result. Now your decisions become clearer because you stop asking what will make everyone else happy, and you start saying and asking what aligns with me and God. If I'm in a partnership with Him, what is in alignment and what is in authenticity? That's where consistency is built, and that's where confidence is built too, not from protection, but from self trust, and that self trust also leads to trust in God. Boundaries also affect your money story deeply because when you struggle to hold on to boundaries, you struggle to charge what you want if you've got a business. Say no to people who demand money from you. Also saying no to draining clients, you overgive. It stops you from asking for support and help. It stops you from receiving that help. And it stops you from holding standards consistently. And eventually, your way of life, your business, your finances start to reflect your internal boundaries, they will. And your relationships do too, because people rise and fall to the standards that we consistently hold. And if our emotions are all over the place, and we're saying our boundaries are emotional, then our boundaries are going to be all over the place. But this is why boundaries are not walls, they're simply invitations. They teach people how to love you, respect you, work with you, and have access to you. And when you start holding healthy boundaries, you start creating relationships that are that are built on trust, respect, mutual respect. And when that happens, you start feeling seen, heard, appreciated, and valued. And isn't it interesting that money is a type of value? And that whatever we say with money, like the words we use in money are also the exact same words we use to describe ourselves and our relationships. Money is a direct reflection of that, my loves. Money flows where self-trust exists. So if boundaries feel hard for you right now, I don't want your takeaway from this episode to be I need to try harder. I want your takeaway to simply be my nervous system is learning something new. Every single time you hold a boundary, you're teaching yourself that my voice matters, my needs matter, my peace matters, my values matter, I matter, and I've got my back. That's really big. Because when you know you've got your own back and you've got self-trust, that's where safety lies. And over time your body starts to realize that I'm still loved, I'm still safe, and that the universe itself is here to support me. Maybe you become more of yourself and more in more truly in love and alignment with yourself than you've ever been before. And that's the beautiful thing about the unbreakable boundary, is even if sometimes, see, like one of mine, I'm deeply respectful. I am deeply respectful. I had to clarify and define what respect looked like. But there are times that slips, and sometimes that invites drama in. When that drama comes in, it's an invitation for me to say, oh, that respect boundary slipped, right? And I just get to come back to it, and that's what makes boundaries unbreakable. It isn't that somebody else respects it or not, it's that we respect ourselves enough to always come back to it, even if we slip, we still come back to it. They don't disconnect you from yourself, they actually connect you again and again and again to yourself. So if you liked this episode, feel free to share it. And if you want to go deeper, or if you want some personalized help, please get on that call with me. I would love to help you personally craft your boundaries and help you on your next steps because this is the foundational work for everything that we want in life. If we say we want something, there's a version of us that actually has that, and then we have to say, we have to sit down and say, okay, what boundaries does that person have? Who is that person? And get clear. I want to help you do that. So if you're looking for more money, better relationships, more time, healing from trauma, or being the next best version of yourself so you can have XYZ. Get on the call with me, my loves. There are these are no pressure conversations. If you want help, let me help you with your next steps. Alright, my loves. Until next time, I'll see you on the other side. Bye.