Parenting Harmony: Music, Autism and the Power of Everyday Connection

In this episode of Early Intervention Matters, Dr. Inyang Takon welcomes Craig Parks, founder of Parenting Harmony, camp director and children’s musician with more than 30 years of experience working with children and families.

Craig shares his personal journey of raising a son on the autism spectrum and explores how music, simple rituals and everyday presence can help parents build stronger connections with their children. 

He also introduces the Parenting A to E Method, a practical framework designed to help parents reduce stress and create more joy at home. From using music as a tool for communication to finding screen-free ways to turn ordinary moments into meaningful memories, Craig offers warm, practical ideas that families can begin using straight away.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Craig’s journey from camp director to parenting coach and advocate
• The role of music in child development and communication
• Using music to connect with neurodiverse children
• The Parenting A to E Method
• Reducing parenting stress and building resilience
• Creating simple family rituals
• Screen-free ways to encourage play and connection
• Celebrating each child’s individuality
• Why thousands of small moments can matter more than a handful of big events

About Craig Parks

Craig Parks is the founder of Parenting Harmony. He is a camp director, children’s musician, speaker and father of two, including a son on the autism spectrum.

Craig has spent more than 30 years working with children and families. Through the Parenting A to E Method, original music and play-based strategies, he helps parents reduce stress, strengthen connection and create everyday moments their children will remember.

Resources and contact

Parenting Harmony website (books, courses, blogs, and more can be found at:
https://www.parentingharmony.com

Email Craig:
craigparks@parentingharmony.com

If you enjoyed this episode, subscribe to Early Intervention Matters on your favourite podcast platform, leave a review and share it with a parent who might find it helpful.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome back to Early Intervention Matters, the podcast that helps parents, teachers and health professionals understand the diagnosis, treatment, care, and support of children with autism, ADHD, tourettes, and other neurodevelopmental challenges. Your host, Dr. In Yang Takon, is a consultant and neurodevelopment pediatrician. And she will provide insight through interviews, answering questions, and breaking down complicated topics. By sharing stories from parents and professionals in the field, we hope to make sense of what can be an overwhelming topic. Early intervention is crucial for children with developmental difficulties. Yes, early intervention matters. And now, here's your host, Dr. Inyan Tagon.

SPEAKER_03 0:56

Before his child was born, a stranger said something to Craig Paths that completely changed how he approached fatherhood. That one moment set him on a path from camp director to kids musician to parenting coach. And today he's here to share what he learned, including what it really means to raise a child on the autism spectrum with creativity, laughter, and love. So we're so privileged today to have Craig Pax join us on our podcast session. I'm Dr. Yang Takon, neurodevelopmental pediatrician and host of Early Intervention Matters. So I'm just going to get Craig to introduce himself. Welcome, Craig, and we're so happy to have you join us today.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

Thank you, Dr. Takan. I really, I really appreciate it. You know, being a dad and a camp director and children's musician, all these things that I I have done, really, it was all shaped, I think, by my own childhood and really craving a kind of connection that I never really that I ultimately wanted. And mostly for my dad. And my dad is an amazing man. He was very, very hardworking. And he was from that generation where for men, it was like the way you show your love is you provide, right? And my dad would often work seven days a week. And so he wasn't there as much. He wasn't present as much. I didn't get the kind of time and the kind of connection that a young boy had wanted with his dad. And it it really stuck with me. It affected me. And I remember from a very young age thinking, okay, when I become a dad, I just want to be able to do what I can to organize my life so that I can be there. So I can just be present, like really be there for my kids and really be connected. And that's really what I think was driving me in terms of the kind of work that I did. I was a babysitter, then I was a camp counselor. And then I became a very young camp director when I created my first camp. I ended up creating two camps in my career. And I just loved it. And I loved training other people how to work with kids. And then I became a dad for the first time. And you mentioned this story of The Stranger before I became a dad. It was a really interesting experience. And it really is what helped me formulate what parenting harmony is all about. So I was playing racquetball at a local racquetball court, and they were having this round robin. And while I was waiting for the next match, there was a guy there. I'd never met him before, but everybody's very friendly. And I was like, hey, I'm about to become a dad for the first time in a couple months. And he he says, Hey, can I can I tell you something that I wish somebody had told me? I'm like, Yeah, of course. Yeah, what is it? He said, Okay. He said, Are you gonna be there for the birth? I'm like, oh yeah, I'm totally planning on being there. He says, Okay. He says, when my kid was born, my my child was purple when my kid was born. And nobody told me that. Then when they got my kid crying, you know, and the circulation was going, then it turned, you know, normal. And I was like, whoa, like, thank you for telling me that. And I didn't know if that would happen to me or not. But when my first child was born, Jonah, he had a pretty stressful birth experience. And he actually came out purple. And then when they, you know, they kind of hit him a little bit. And then finally, when they got him crying, the circulation got going and he was fine. But what was interesting was that when he came out purple, I didn't freak out because I had knowledge that that generous man shared with me. And so I was able to remain calm in what would have otherwise been a very scary, stressful situation for me. But I was armed with the wisdom of this other man who shared with me that experience. And parenting harmony now is that for me, I want to be that man for other parents because I've now been working with kids for 35 years. I now have a 22-year-old son who's on the autism spectrum. And I have a daughter who's about to turn 12. And in working with thousands of kids and training a lot of people how to work with kids and working with a lot of families, and then being a dad to my own children and working with a lot of people, especially with my son, given his special needs, I have learned so much. And now it's my turn to be that man who I play, you know, play bracketball with. And I just want I want to share this information because I think parents experience a lot of stress and they experience a lot of anxiety that they don't necessarily have to experience. Now, I'm not promising a stress-free journey in parenting. That's not reality. But I do think that if we have an understanding of certain things, we certainly can one enjoy our connection with our kids so much more. So much more joy and feel the depth of our love and their love when we're armed with certain wisdom. And that's that's what parenting harmony is all about, using ritual and play and music and presence. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_03 6:02

I just love that story, King, because it's it's almost like, who is this person telling me this? But then tells you something that you actually walk through and experience and that sticks into your mind. And I think that's the beauty in the, you know, we're all told no child comes with an instruction manual. But if you've been, you know, surrounded by people who prepared you for that journey from their experiences and giving you words of wisdom and things that would help you navigate that process better, you know, it's a lot because you're starting from a different level rather than crashing and not knowing how to navigate that process. And I think this is what a lot of parents face, the challenges, because when they don't know where to start from, sometimes their experiences could have been negative, but they have not known how to turn it into positive. I like how you decided to change the narrative with your experience, saying your dad was always working, but you made a resolve as a result of that to say, when I have children, I'm going to be there for them. You know, I want to be there, I want to be part of their lives. Some other people's experiences may have been, okay, is this what parenthood is like? Then, you know, they don't go to learn from it positively. That's a really beautiful story. And I think you've touched on something else, which we will talk through as we go through the podcast. Because something as, you know, simple that's readily available might be the best turnaround for your child instead of going on more expensive therapeutic journeys. So I think the simplicity of your message and approach is what I really love, that it gives very huge benefits, despite the fact that it's something that should come naturally. Great. So you're a camp director, a kids musician, and you've also said you're a dad to a young person with autism spectrum, which is quite a unique combination because you know, you're wearing different hats. How did all these roles shape your approach to parenting and working with children? Because you said you started, you know, your very first camp at a young age.

SPEAKER_01 8:22

Yeah, well, so I I shared about my dad, and that was really formative. And I know that my dad, he has regrets. And and when I when I think about uh, you know, when my own children are adults, and actually, you know, my oldest son, Jonah, is 22 now, so he's a young adult. But I want both my kids, when they're a lot older, when they look back on their childhood, I want them not feeling kind of the way that um both my dad and I feel about my childhood, of like we both have regrets that we didn't have more time and more connection together. You know, but I will share another thing is that one of the memories I do have with my dad when I was young, and that really stuck with me, that has affected me in terms of my own children and running camps and the power of music too, is that when my dad was home, oftentimes he would put on a lot of music, he put me up on his shoulders and he would start dancing around the house. And it is such a strong childhood memory. And and I have another childhood memory around music. When I was in first grade, my first grade teacher, Mrs. Andrino, like I don't remember what I did day to day in first grade, but I remember every day at the end of the day, she would sing the same song. Here I am, a man in his mid-50s now, and I still remember this song like 50 years later because she did it every day. She did it as a ritual, and I still remember it, and it's such a sweet memory. And so, just like with my being up on my dad's shoulders, listening to all sorts of cool music, and just like Mrs. Andrino, I realized music, we parent can use music as a really powerful positive memory-making device. It's one of the most powerful memory-making devices we humans have is music. And so music was a very, very important part of the camps that I ran, a very important part of my parenting with my children. And a very important part of turning kind of the everyday moments of parenting into something special instead of just, oh yeah, another thing we gotta do.

SPEAKER_03 10:19

Wonderful. And you know, as you were saying that, I was just reflecting on my own self where the earlier parts of my work were so busy. And my husband was, you know, very much that person that really wanted to be there for the kids all the time and all that. I had a very busy work pattern, and sometimes I would come back. Being a doctor, you come back, you're doing crazy on calls, you're coming back really late in the night, you had this thing, the kids, and and then you were going out again the next morning. And there are times I sit back and I say to myself, just like you say, you can't get those times back, and you really wish that some of that could have been changed, that you could have been there because they all grew up so quickly. But one of the moments that I really cherish, especially with my younger daughter, is when you said music is a memory-making device, was one of the things we enjoyed most was the long car drives, maybe me driving her to university. But it's music that connected us so much that throughout that journey, she would have gotten playlists, we'll be playing music, we'll be dancing in the car. And I look back at those times, those were real connections. I mean, during those times she got to know my music, the what I love most, and she would play it. And if we're coming towards a stressful point, she would say, Okay, I'm going to play your music, and we'll both be dancing. And what was supposed to be a very long journey becomes less stressful. But that really connected us. And it's now that you were talking about it that I I thought to myself, yes, it's it's really a strong connection device, and sometimes we don't really uh harness that power as much as we should, and just take advantage of what it's got to offer. So thank you for sharing that because that's really powerful.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Yeah, of course, we have special sweet memories that yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:15

There's something about music that every time you think about it, it brings you joy. You think about it with the even if you were upset and you you got into music, it's almost like things just physically waste. So again, it's therapeutic as well.

SPEAKER_01 12:29

Without a doubt. I mean, so many of my memories with my own children are revolving around music and songs and and rituals, but also so many campers as well. I mean, I just I got an email from a camper that was a camper of mine like 15 years ago. I hadn't heard from him in over a decade. And he said, I wanted I wanted to reach out because I'm starting to learn guitar, and I just thought about this song that you did at camp, that it was one of my all-time favorite songs. And he talks about the song, and it's like, I didn't heard from this kid in like over a decade, and he's writing back to me about a particular song and about a particular joyful time in his life, right? So if parents who are listening to this understand anything, that every parent can utilize music to create super strong, positive, joyful connection and memories with their kid.

SPEAKER_03 13:13

Wonderful. And and tell me about the comps that you run. What was it like? What were the comms like?

SPEAKER_01 13:20

So, you know, many ways it was kind of like a throwback to the old traditional camps where it was just like a lot of everything. Like it seems like every summer camp nowadays is like it's tennis camp or computer camp or soccer camp, right? I mean, but this was really like, now this is like old traditional camp. We're gonna do a little arts and crafts, we're gonna do a little music, we'll do a little sports, we'll do field trips, we'll do some swimming, you know. But at the foundation of all of the activities was my beautiful camper, is you are gonna be celebrated for your uniqueness and for what makes you your own special individual, but within a community, right? And so that was the mission of the camps I ran, was that every individual would feel celebrated within community, knowing that their individuality fit and in the connection with others' uniqueness. And together we would celebrate it. And what was great was that though it was not a special needs camp, I often had a lot of special needs kids attracted to our camp because of the way that we focused on respect and we focused on, you know, how do we treat one another? And when somebody does something that you don't like, how do we express it in a way that's like that is healthy, you know? And so we really empower our campers to communicate and do conflict resolution in a strong way. So it was not the go to a counselor and say so-and-so did this. And we we train our counselors to coach our campers to communicate. And I think there was a lot of empowerment. And what that did is it opened up a space for people to feel free to be themselves. They didn't have to dress a certain way or speak a certain way, they could just be celebrated. So even our kids with special needs, whereas at other camps they might have been teased or bullied. At the camps that I ran, they were always celebrated. We figure out, well, what do you love? If we had, you know, there was this one camper who had been bullied at other camps, but he loved to sing, right? Loved to sing. And so uh in the morning circle time, I'd I'd get that kid a microphone and he would sing, Don't Stop Believing by Journey, right? And the whole and then the whole camp would go crazy and celebrate him. I had another kid on the spectrum who just loved, loved dancing. And so in this morning circle, we would put on a song and we would do a camper spotlight and let him just dance all over the place. And so he had his time to shine. And and that's what we all need, right? We all need to know that we're seen for our our uniqueness. And this is really what every, not just every child, I think every human being wants to be seen for their uniqueness and known that they're cared about and they're valued. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 15:48

That's that's just so lovely. And just thinking about my vision of the camp is just the inclusivity. Everyone is included, nobody's feeling left behind. And I think it is also helps neurotypical children to learn in that space about how to respect and include everyone. So it's a lot of lessons they're learning. They're enjoying things, but they're also, you know, learning about the diversity of children and seeing that everyone has a part to play in the society and the community. So it's a lot of lessons that they're also getting from the camp. So it's really beautiful. And like you said, it's different now. Like you said, it's tennis camp, it's volleyball camp, it's you know, things have become so restricted. And I used to enjoy the days of multi-sport camp because I used to take my children to multi-sport camp where they could do a bit of everything. And that's really sounds good. I hope it goes back to that anyway, for a lot of children. And then you talked about being a kids' musician. So, what does that entail and what did that look like?

SPEAKER_01 17:00

So it's looked like a lot of things. So I've done music for like mom and taught classes for really little babies. I've done music for preschools, I've done music for summer camps, like kindergarten through sixth grade. I've also run bands for teenagers. So it's taken a lot of forms. But really, what that shows, Dr. Zacone, is that music, regardless of your age, whether you're a little baby, like I've seen literally like five months old, like light up when they hear, you know, the strum of a guitar, right? Is that no matter what age you are, like music touches the heart and touches the soul, right? And and so for me, like parenting harmony, like there's a force I have called parenting A to E. And part of that is 14 songs that are meant for parents to use for like the everyday parts of parenting, like when you wake your kid up, when they're washing their hands, uh when you're sitting down to eat, when you just want to play with them, when you want to dance with them, when you're giving them a bath, when it's bedtime, all these like everyday things, if you have music that goes with it, all of a sudden, those everyday mundane things become elevated and become really deeply connecting, joyful, memory-making events.

SPEAKER_03 18:12

Thank you. That's so interesting because on my way here, I stopped over to see my little godson. He absolutely loves music. And he's got this routine, he's only about 15 months. As soon as he walks in through the through the door, his grandparents bring him in. As soon as he comes in, he knows the music he wants. He goes and sits down, but he's only 15 months, and then he starts dancing. So he starts dancing, anticipating the music, and it's just such a beauty to watch that in his little mind, he's already tuned in to the joy. And it's just lovely how he calms down during that moment, that he's so focused and so calm during that moment of music. So it just illustrates what you're talking about, the parental harmony, that it just goes through the whole dear and such such a beautiful concept. Thank you. And so tell our listeners about the parenting A to E method. What does it stand for? And how does it help parents move from stress to joy? I think many parents really need to hear this because there's a lot of stress and anxiety out there. So what what does this involve?

SPEAKER_01 19:26

Thank you for asking. So parenting can be stressful. And again, I don't promise a stress-free journey in parenting. That's not possible. But I do believe that we can really reduce it a lot. And while we're reducing it, increase our actual level of connection and joy too. And so I'll just share a story with you. Our kids have to wash their hands every single day, right? Like when they before they eat, after they go to the bathroom. And it is so easy to get tired of saying, okay, go wash your hands. And so I end up writing um very simple hand washing song. And it became a really fun thing for us. We became really connecting. And now something that was stressful, like dagging them to wash their hands or doing something they didn't want, now becomes a really connecting thing. And you can hear them singing it from the bathroom. And if you're in there with them and you're like dancing, you're being really silly, all of a sudden, hand washing, like they they look forward to it, right? And and so what I'm demonstrating here is is my affect both with my body. So affect refers to the physical manifestations of how we use our our physical body and the affect of our voice. And so take like, you know, you saw like rub rub brub. So the way I'm using my shoulders is playful, right? The way I'm demonstrating with my hands and with my fingers, right? And then with my voice, you're a rub, rub, rub, I can go lower, you know, I can go higher. And and when you do these things with little children, all of a sudden they pop up and they notice and and there's a connection there. So parenting A to E is all about how do we effectively use what we have in this world, which is our bodies and our voices, to maximize the E, which is the effectiveness of our connection, which is we want love and we want trust and we want joy. And and so if we understand how to use our bodies to max and our voices to maximize connection, then our parenting journey and our children's experience of their connection with us becomes infinitely sweeter and more joyful.

SPEAKER_03 21:32

That's that's wonderful. When you describe it, someone say, is that is that what you're using, you know, calming the child down? But what happens normally is that parents get more stressed. You know, when they're trying to get a child to do something, they get more stressed. And if they've done it repeatedly, doing it again and again and again, they get even more stressed. So it's just so lovely to see that concept about, and it's therapeutic for them. Parent as well, because it helps them to bring down their own, you know, stress and and then flow with the child. And I'm not sure whether you've seen that as well.

SPEAKER_01 22:11

That's and that's a great point. In parenting AE, I actually teach, I break it down like this is how you use your facial expressions, this is how you can use your shoulders, this is how you can use your arms and hands. This is how you can use your body, like where you are in space in relation to your child. This is how you can use your voice in these ways. And when when you start being empowered with that knowledge, just like the guy in the racquetbal court, right? Then you can start applying it. And as a parent, you're like, oh, I'm not feeling as stressed. I actually, I know what to do now. I know how to calm my child better because I have these tools that I now know how to use. With all the people I've trained how to work with kids, like it has been so helpful for them when I train them on these tools. And and so, yes, for the parents' experience, you don't have to have so much anxiety or stress. You can have more confidence and know these are things that work with my child.

SPEAKER_03 23:04

Amazing. That's really good. And I'm sure our listeners will be, you know, tuned into this because one of the things we talk about is how parents can try very to reduce that stress they feel when, especially when the child is being defiant or throwing a tantrum, how do they calm down that situation? Because that usually results in a lot of parents being stressed themselves. So to see that there's a method that they can learn and in in just using a combination of their physical postures and their voice to diffuse this situation, it's really good. Thank you. So just coming again to music and neurodiversity. So you've told us that you are a parent raising a young person with autism spectrum. And how has music played a part in your family? Is it just for entertainment? Um, can you talk us through the ways in which you've used music to help with raising your own child?

SPEAKER_01 24:10

Yeah, so it goes well beyond entertainment. Although they they may be entertained, which is like bonus, right? But really at the heart of it is music is an access point for connection. When Jonah was diagnosed as being at risk for autism when he was like really young, like 17, 18 months old. He he had no words. And and when we heard that as a dad, I was in so much fear. I I was thinking, oh my God, I may never hear my own child say the word daddy. I may never hear my own child say, I love you. You know, and so I one thing I did, I sang a lot and I played a lot of music for Jonah. Like every day I was playing music. And one thing that's interesting was that my son was actually singing before he was talking. And I remember him being in his crib, like standing up and hearing, hmm-mm-hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. And like, that's a melody, that's a melody. And so instantly I knew that, like, okay, there's a connection right there. Joan eventually, he's now verbal. He started speaking uh before he turned three. And right around that time, he got his first drum set, just a little drum set. And Dr. Tacone, this was amazing. This little boy sits down at this little drum set, and he's like, he was playing an actual beat. And I was like, wow, this is crazy. Yeah. And so it turns out that my son is really, really good at drums. And I mean, there's there's actually a YouTube video of him when he was six years old where I brought in some of the teenagers I was playing music with, and he was playing songs by The Who, right? And Keith Moon on drums, right? And here's a six-year-old just crushing it. He'd never had a lesson in his life at that point. It was just, it's just in him, right? And so for Jonah and I, we would play music a lot together. And then when he was, he was a camper at the camp that I ran, and the first time he performed live was at the camp. And right now he's 22, and we're actually in a band together. And so music. Oh my god. Yeah, he's that's amazing. Yeah. So for us, it's been such a deep, deep point of joy and connection. My son never graduated high school. He never will. He'll never go to college. He's not academically adept in that way at all, but he's got a soaring spirit. He's got his love of and his knowledge of music. He loves skateboarding and he also uh DJs. And so he DJs parties and he's a drummer in one of my bands. And he started his own business teaching skateboarding to kids. Growing up at the camps I was talking about, he saw all of these beautiful young people who are counselors treating all the campers with so much enthusiasm and joy and positive energy that he's now that way with all of his students that he teaches skateboarding to. So, will he ever have a college degree? No, but he brings music and he brings confidence to children. He's contributing to the world in such a beautiful way. And beautiful.

SPEAKER_03 27:23

Beautiful. Oh, that's amazing. That's such an amazing story. And again, just to you know, say at this point that one of the worries that families usually have is I think it's the way our society has kind of structured schooling and education and academic education, going to college, the the traditional ways, as if if you haven't done that, then you are not fulfilled. No, no, no. Um, and this is such a beautiful story because it's one of the things I try to uh highlight on this podcast through different guests who are coming, but also highlighting that every young person has their unique skills. And it's for us to create the environment to allow those skills fostered, those great attributes. I mean, he's doing a lot for people, he's contributing a lot to society. He's fulfilled and he's happy with what he's doing. There are many young people who are in school, may have a degree, but they're unhappy because some of them have not been able to fulfill those inner strengths and things that they really find joy in. So it's just as parents, it's such a beautiful story to hear how he was non-verbal and music was something that he had a connection with from very early on. And you were able to nurture that connection and look at what he's doing now. It's such a beautiful story, and you must be very proud of him, Craig.

SPEAKER_01 29:10

I gotta tell, I don't take any of these moments for granted. When I rehearse with him each week with the band, I just look over at him and the 22 years of history, it's all with me, right? And and I think about that time when I didn't know if he would ever even have any words. And here I am, like playing music for me is one of my life's greatest joys. Getting to do it with him and knowing it's one of his greatest joys, we do it together. It is such a deeply spiritual and joyful and satisfying experience. And look, whether parents out there are musicians or not, what I want them to know is that they can sing with their kids, they can dance with their kids, and that music is a really, really important part of bringing up our children. And that's why I offered these songs in my ADE course as well.

SPEAKER_03 29:57

It's amazing. Do you see lots of parents where um music has helped them with that form of communication? Parents who come on your course and to help them as a Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:10

Yeah, with without a doubt. Parents will will tell me, like, even with the hand washing song, right? They're like, oh my god, I'll hear my kids singing that song while they're washing their hands, right? Where it used to be a struggle, or like the lola singing a lullaby, and now all of a sudden bedtime isn't as much a struggle because of like the bedtime rituals that I that I that I teach. When they do all those bedtime rituals, bedtime is no longer a struggle. And part of it is is the music, right? And certainly the touch and the snuggling. And so absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 30:41

I mean, it's it's really very, very I keep coming to the fact that as a pediatrician, you get lots of consultations for things like the dysregulation, the behavioral challenges, the poor sleep. What do you think that just applying something like music to help you through those challenges could just be something that helps your child without having to go through more rigorous therapeutic interventions? Because sometimes the children are challenged when they go for those sessions. Some of them might not want to engage and you they might they might be they might be overwhelmed even in those situations where people are trying to engage with them. So something that parents can deliver themselves within the family setting, it's really good. So, and just talking about parenting, how do you how what's your approach when parents join your course? How do you go through things with them and and how do you help them to start taking that leap of having a different approach to things?

SPEAKER_01 31:45

So the the digital course I have is like it's kind of all inclusive, it's all there in very short videos and PDFs, and it's it's very easy to follow. Um and and I will just share this because you know we've talked about the stress, and I'll just say it's like the very first thing that I that I teach parents is that the priority in being a great parent is first taking care of our own well-being. I mean, where where we get stressed is where we believe that we're giving and giving, giving, giving all the time, but to the detriment of our own well-being, right? Like we're not sleeping, we're not eating well, we're not exercising, we're not even talking to friends anymore, we're not listening to music that we love, and we're not serving our children when we get to that level of stress and anxiety. And so I think the first thing I actually teach in the course is the importance of knowing ourselves well enough to know what recharges us. And it doesn't have to be like the full day at the spa, although that is nice, but we often don't have that kind of time. Sometimes it might be like, I need to take five minutes right now and just meditate, or I need to take, you know, seven minutes and call up my best friend, or it might be, I'm gonna put on my favorite, my favorite song right now and just ease into that. It could be small things, it could be I'm I just need to go take a bath right now, you know. But but if we continue to put off the things that have us feel regulated, it's so hard to be the kind of parent that we want to be for our children. So that's the starting point. And I think that if parents actually understand that, because oftentimes, right, us parents, we're like, well, that's selfish. I can't do that. But if the context the guilty feeling, right, right. It's like I can't I can't, that's that's for me. And I yeah, but if if they change the context to, well, if I do this, I'm gonna be more calm, I'm gonna be more patient, I'm gonna be a little sweeter, I'm gonna have a better sense of humor, I'm gonna be a better parent, then it's no longer I'm selfish, actually, it's really, really good for your child. And so that's where we start. And and as parents, like the first module of parenting ADE is actually teaching the affect of how do you use your entire body in your voice. The second module are these 14 songs that they can use in everyday life, right? Waking your kid up and eating and bedtime and bathtime and washing hands. And then the third module is actually activities. So, because A to E, you can know how to use your body and voice, but you need to know like when too, right? So the music is one of those things. But then that's these 10 activities, you can put it into practice of using your body and your voice in these really fun 10 activities. And then I have some bonus material. I have a whole thing around bedtime rituals. So bedtime becomes really sweet. I have a whole thing around bathtime rituals, and then I have a piece, Dr. Dakone, you mentioned earlier how fast it goes, right? They're like they grow up before we know it. I wrote a piece of prose about this, about the rocking chair. I call it the glider. And when when I had to get rid of the glider that I had that I had like rocked both my children on, it was so emotional for me. Like I didn't want to get rid of this glider. And so I wrote a piece of prose from the perspective of the glider. The glider was the narrator in this piece of prose. And when people have read it, it's brought them to tears. And really the point of that prose is to get all of us parents present to what you talked about earlier. And that is, time goes fast. So let's be present to it. If we're like always anxious and we're thinking about what's going on in the future, or we're always regretting the past, we're not being present with our kids. And that's what our children and we deserve and need more than anything is not perfection. We will never be perfect, right? But we need to be present, just present with our kids.

SPEAKER_03 35:43

It's so beautiful, and it's a reminder. I think that I love the teaching or encouraging people to just take that step back and have some time for themselves. One of the things I see a lot is parental guilt. They feel, is it because I was doing this? That's why I can't do this, I can't afford to take this time. And they're stressed. You can see parents who are almost crashing out but still can't take that five minutes away or do something. Sometimes you ask, when was the last time they'd ever done something for themselves? And there's a whole guilty feeling that a lot of parents carry around. But again, it wears on the body. It really does wear on the body, it wears on their health. And it's a reminder for parents that we want to be there for our kids. And so we owe ourselves that service to actually be well. And being well is small steps every day, you know, making aside that little five, ten, fifteen minutes, that protected time for yourself to just calm down and decompress. If you have other kids as well, one of the things that happen is sometimes the siblings are forgotten. So you don't really enjoy the family life with the other your other children. I think it's really good because you cannot pour from an empty cup. You have to be charged to be able to get there. And and we say it in our daily lives, when I'm tired and and exhausted from work, and just at that point where any little thing could just cause you to be upset. And whereas if you are relaxed and gone on a walk, you come back, you feel more relaxed, you've just watched a nice movie, you you're you're operating from a completely different space. So we'd like to just encourage parents today, please do take that little time to just look after yourself. And and uh because again, the children pick up on it. Your child who has a way of picking up on your stresses. They can, if you don't, without you saying it, they can feel the tension around you, and that affects them as well. What does fun and play without screens? Today we've got lots of people glued to the screens, and we are having many more things that drive us to the screens, and children are fixed on the screen. Sometimes, you know, in the clinics, the only way children calm down is by being given a screen by their parents, and that's when they calm down. So, what does fun and play without screens or without spending a fortune actually look like in practice for busy, tired parents? Because we will have a lot of parents with very busy lives.

SPEAKER_01 38:47

Yeah, so it can look like a million different things, to be honest. So I'll give you just a couple of examples. Like one, I think I might have already mentioned one, a dance party, right? Like get your body moving, get their body moving, put on, you know, their favorite song, put on your favorite song, and just dance. Like that's what it could look like. It doesn't have to be complicated. Here's something that happened just last weekend. I told you I live in San Diego. I so we're by the beach. I went to the beach, you know, with my daughter, and she was laying down, and I started like drawing letters on her back. I'm like, guess what letter? Guess what letter I'm drawing, right? It was this, and and then I started doing words, and then we started doing sentences, and she was loving it. Such a simple thing, right? There's there's another thing that you could do where just finish each other's sentences, make a game of that, right? Like, oh, I'm so hungry, I could eat up, you know, and then like whatever it is, like there are so many things we could do with language, we could do with we could do with art in in the most simplest ways. We don't have to be on screens. And I'm not like totally, I'm not anti-technology, I'm not anti-screens, but I think that if the only thing we're doing is looking at screens together, we're missing out on some really beautiful connection. Yeah. And so I actually have a book called Um The Parks Party Central Screen Free Activity Book. It's got 25 super fun activities that parents can do with their kids. And it's such a blast. And these are all activities I actually did with my daughter. In fact, when you get the book, you can actually click click a link and you'll actually see from the show that my daughter and I did together during the pandemic us doing these 25 activities. So you can see like they're they're they're silly, they're fun, and they cost like no money. It's just a matter of just having a great time together.

SPEAKER_03 40:38

Oh, well someone. And and again, you hosted a weekly show called Pax Party Central, which we you've just referred to. What was the show about? And what did you learn from that experience? And we already told us a bit of it now, but great one. So what was the show about?

SPEAKER_01 40:55

So so early in the pandemic, uh, I fell into a kind of a depressive funk. And I was like, oh my God, I'm so used to being around kids and being around people. And I turned to my daughter at the time, and she was five when the pandemic, she's about to turn 12 now. So she was five at the time, and I turned to her, I said, Hey Nishama, would you like to do a show with me? And she was like, Yeah. And so we came up with Part to Party Central, and what it was was a family variety show. It included comedy and music and interactive games. So it was, it was on Facebook Live. So when people would show up live with us, we would have certain games that we would do with them interactively. So there was always music, you know, there were songs and there were activities that parents could do with their own kids too. And it was, it was a blast. We ended up in that first year of the pandemic, we did 50 episodes out of those 52 weeks. And then in total, we ended up doing 70 episodes of this show. And a couple of them are uh are on YouTube. So if you just put in part to party central on YouTube, you could see a couple of them. And what I learned from it was one, was that when when we're at home with our kids, like when the pandemic first started, we thought it was gonna be about a month. I thought, cool, we'll do the show. When it became clear it was gonna be a lot longer, I was thinking, how am I gonna write a show every week? But then, right? Because during lockdown, though, the thing is when you're with your kid, the funniest, most creative, silly things will happen if you're just open to it. And when those things would happen during the week, I'd be like, Nishama would be like, let's put that in the show. And so what I learned was be open, pay attention, be flexible. And and the other thing I learned too was before our first episode, I was laying down with Nishama and I said, you know, we're gonna do this show, but every show needs a theme song, Nishama. And here I am, Mr. Professional Musician, right? And all of a sudden, she busts out this theme song for the show. And I'm like, oh my God, that's brilliant. And so she ended up writing the theme song that that we sang on every episode. And, you know, so what I also learned is that do not underestimate our children, our children are capable of so much more than we even give them credit for. Yeah. So I learned a lot.

SPEAKER_03 43:19

That's one thing, yeah. Yeah. And I said, the pandemic did provide us that opportunity to actually connect with Arcadia because I think before the pandemic, lots of people were just running around and going with the the day's job and just doing the routine. It actually allowed me because you were going nowhere. You you were well, I had to go to work, but there were few people outside. So you came back home and and you were with your kids and you were actually hearing them, learning from them and hearing about their perspectives. So, like you said, you would find out things that young people, you know, you never That crossed your radar. And that again emphasizes why being present and just spending that time enables you to discover your child more, connect with them, and just find those fun things. Because we can't get that if we're constantly crossing each other and not having the time. So that's one great lesson from what you've shared as well. So from your experience handling and training hundreds of people to work with children, what do you think professionals and parents sometimes get wrong in the early years? Certainly, this is useful for us as professionals because just this episode that we're recording now, as a pediatrician, I'm working away with this, being able to give that message to stressful families about that connection and that time. Because we're in a world now where we want spontaneous answers to things sometimes, or we're trying to sort the problem with something else and something else and something else. Whereas sometimes the answers are just because that child just want you to be present and connect with them more. And that might just be what resolves a lot of the things. So it might not have to be another 20 psychological sessions or another, right? You know, but it might just be you being there and spending that time to know them. And is that part of why they are struggling? So this is this is something that we we need to think about more. And that's my take home as a professional. So it would be good to hear from you. What do you think? What do you wish professionals knew in the early years?

SPEAKER_01 45:51

I really think that uh oftentimes we we probably ask the wrong kinds of questions. Like, how do we get our kids to listen? How do we get them to behave, right? As if we can train them like dogs. And I think in terms of what we need to do more is uh ask, what are our kids asking of us right now? How to be, what are they needing emotionally right now in a way that will have them feel safe enough? Because I mean, it's it's it's very cliche, right? But all behavior is communication. But I really do believe that. And there's these certain phrases in the parenting expert world, right? They're not giving us a hard time, they're having a hard time. And I think these are they're useful phrases, but I really think that if if we understand that if we can, and you talked about this earlier, Dr. Tacone, like that our children can sense our energy, they could sense our stress when we're not in a good place, right? Our our children regulate, especially young children, they co-regulate off of us and our energy, right? And so I think that uh if we can get ourselves in that place, and this is why I said earlier the priority is take care of your own well-being so that you can show up in a way that our kids don't have to be fearful of us. They know that we've got their back, they're safe, they're okay. And so that's the main thing is what do they need emotionally right now in this moment? And presence, I think just being present is the most important thing. I think when any human being feels understood, and not always, then that does not mean agreed with, right? Like, I want to make that distinction, right? Because a kid can be like, like, I want to have ice cream for dinner every night. You could you can be like, I hear you, like I get it. You you actually you really want to have ice cream for for dinner every night, right? They're like, yeah. Like if they just know you heard them instead of instead of instantly going to no, no, no, no, no, but instead of like just getting them for a second, like, I get that. Yeah, it's sweet, it's tasty, it's delicious, you know. And then you're like, and it's not really doable because of this, but it doesn't mean we can't have ice cream another time, but you know, it's like, can we just get them? Can we like if we're just correcting them all the time and we're not connecting with them? My whole thing is about connection when it comes down to it, is connection, connection, connection. And I will tell you, my 22-year-old son now, he he posted social media, but he tells me this in person too, that like he's so grateful for the love and for the mentorship and for the humor and for the music and for the dad that I have been to him, right? Here he is, he's on the awesome spectrum and he's expressing himself this way, right? My daughter, like in the middle of the night, if she wakes up, she comes to me. And it's because I'm a safe place for her, right? And so it is always about the connection. And if we as parents are paying attention to what's going on with our kids, we can figure out like what lights them up, what triggers them, what makes them upset, and and what can we do to support them? And and what can we do so that they know that we believe in them, that they're resilient, that you know, if they fall down, we don't have to pick them up. We know that they can pick themselves up, like we're they're cheering them on. We want our kids to be resilient. We're not here to to like keep our kids from facing struggles. Like we want them to face struggles and know that they can get through them. So when we are their their biggest cheerleaders, we believe in them and we support them. I think that's it. So, not how do we we shape their behavior so they can behave how we want them to behave?

SPEAKER_03 49:40

Like you said, we're not training dogs. We're right. Yeah. We're training people with emotions and yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:49

So what like where's their sense of justice? Where's their sense of truth? Like all these things, what are they curious about? And when we we look at them with curiosity and with love, I think that's that's the big difference rather than how do we shape their behavior.

SPEAKER_03 50:05

And I think that again, professionals in other sectors, like schools, it always breaks my heart once I hear that a young child has been excluded from school and because he's not conforming. And then you see that same child in the clinic, and you're hearing from the child, and the child is talking to you and telling you what made him feel that way, and get to the point of being upset and distressed. And you can see that there were actually reasons why he felt that way and felt frustrated. He wasn't listened to, but uh, you get comments like his behavior needs to be right and all that, but people haven't looked at what led to that action. We all need to ask the right questions, and I think that's one key thing is what led to this, what was the reason? Who is your child? What makes them get to that point that they're reacting? And then we can begin to work in ways in which we can help them to communicate that in a safe way and a trusting way, knowing that they're being listened to, not being judged. And what would you say for families? Lots of families are receiving a diagnosis for their child. Sometimes, you know, they feel really despondent at the time that they're giving, being given the diagnosis. I've had to do that a couple of times this week, giving a diagnosis to someone I've just assessed. And it's a big thing, it's a big thing for the families because it it's an emotion that families are going through, and people respond to that in different ways. But what's the one piece of wisdom you'd offer from both your professional and personal experience?

SPEAKER_01 51:52

Somebody who lived through it myself. I'll tell you both my personal and professional opinion there. Because I also ran support groups for families who had kids with special needs. And the first thing, like right when you get that diagnosis, I'd say just have grace for yourself, let yourself go, like acknowledge all those feelings. Like just be real with yourself. If you're anxious, if you're sad, if you're angry, uh, if you're depressed, own it, but also talk to somebody about it. Don't don't be alone in that, but allow yourself to have that. Like you don't have to pretend and be strong. Go through what you need to go through first. And once you get through that, then it's gonna be like, okay, so now, now what's next? Because there will be a what's next. And so a couple of things I want to parents know. One is so many parents who have kids with special needs isolate. We just isolate because it was too hard for our kids to be around the other kids socially. Like it just wasn't working. So when all the other kids were like playing with each other, we had to keep an eye on our own kid, right? And so we couldn't just go and talk with all the other parents, like all the other parents were hanging out. And so we just we just with withdrew and we just became very isolated. And it's a very common story for a lot of parents. If there's one piece of advice I could tell any of the parents, do not isolate. Go find other parents who are on a similar journey or maybe years ahead, so they can give you a sense of hope and a sense of what uh resources are out there as well. That is really crucial. Take care of your well-being. We talked about that. And then the other thing in terms of your own relationship to your child, it is not going to be the journey that you imagined. Like when my wife was pregnant with Jonah, like it didn't occur to me I'd have a kid with special needs. I thought, yeah, my kid would get a high school diploma, you'd probably go to college and whatever. We have our dreams and our hopes. And then, like, I had to completely shift. And I did. It takes something, right? And when you see all the other parents who also have 17 or 18-year-olds and their kids are graduating high school and they're announcing where they're going off to college, or they're now graduating college, or some of them are getting married, and you're like, it's it's like, okay, it's a bumpy road. But what I will say is this get curious about who your child is, because you can fall in love deeply, deeply, deeply with the child you have, no matter who it is. You just have to be curious and you have to let go of what you thought it was going to be and just be open to what it is and what it can be. Like, you know, with Jonah, I was I was just noticing like, what lights this kid up? Right. And when he was around four years old, I got on a skateboard, just on the street, I would skateboard. He got really curious about that. And and so I got on a skateboard. He fell in love with skateboarding. And now, years later, he started teaching kids how to skateboard, right? And so just like notice, notice what lights your kid up, get curious and lean into those things and experience common joy with your child. I love sports. And I played sports as a kid. I know, cool, I'm having a son, go play sports. He wasn't on sports teams in a traditional way. That wasn't his path. But like, okay, like I learned who he was and I leaned into that and I celebrated that. So, one, allow yourself to grieve what you need to grieve. Two, after you've done grieving, one, during your grieving, don't be alone. Two, get curious about your kid and develop a relationship with who your kid actually is and lean into the joy of discovery. And and that that's what I got for you.

SPEAKER_03 55:36

Thank you so much. I could keep going and going because this has been such a great episode. From the start, thinking just seeing how music formed a part of your journey and how you embraced it in different forms, and how you use that with connection. And then you told us about your lovely son who was non-verbal. And this is a message of hope for families in that situation. Don't ever give up because your child is developing skills, and it takes you to discover those skills and gifts that he's got and nurture it. You start escaping your son picked it up from you encouraging him to do that. And today that's helped him develop a business in him. So it's just amazing how just being present, discovering your child, being connected to your child, working with them, and just enjoying them. Because a child knows when you're connected, a child knows when you enjoy being with them, a child knows when you find their company fun, and and you know, they want to be with you even more because they find that it is enjoyable for them. And then they want to do those things that they know that you've taught them, but they enjoy it, and they would want to even get better at it. So it is just a beautiful story, and also teaching us how to just use simple methods in just helping those periods of dysregulation and with stressful periods, just using simple methods to walk through the situation, and then very good piece of advice you've given to parents, being present, because it's by being present with your child that you're able to actually know more about your child, and being present, but also takes you looking after yourself, and because you can't be present if you're stressed. So you can be present well by being in the frame of mind once you've had some rest time, you've been able to have your me time as well, and you come out with a new perspective on looking at your child and patience. Patience comes in a lot because you now have the patience to be with your child. And it's just looking at how you walk through that process of giving a diagnosis because we all have expectations as families, but when we get that, you know, curve or that deviation that says, okay, what you were expecting is not really going to be that journey. It's not the end of the road. Your child still has skills, and you as a parent can help bring those skills out. So it's been such a wonderful episode, Kiry. Just hearing you talk about this A to E parenting and all the resources and how you approach it, and just using things that don't cost money, but your time and just a different perspective is just great. So, where can our listeners find your music, your resources? Where can they learn more about the parenting A to E method? I'm sure many of our listeners would be happy to connect with you.

SPEAKER_01 59:08

Yes, of course. So um parentingharmony.com is my website where you can find a lot of my resources. But also, if you want to just directly write to me, you can write to me at craigparks at parentingharmony.com. And I respond to all messages. And uh I would definitely I'd love to hear from any of your listeners who I can help and support.

SPEAKER_03 59:29

Thank you so much for your time. It's been an amazing session. It's been a pleasure to have you and share your journey, your work, and just tell us about your successes as well.

SPEAKER_01 59:41

Thank you, Dr. Takan. It's really been such an honor, such a pleasure to be with you today. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 59:48

As we always say, early intervention leads to better outcome. And early intervention can only be achieved by early diagnosis. So thank you for listening into the series today. Um, I know some of the things we've talked about today would probably have generated some questions or need to seek clarification. So I'm happy to take questions and I'll invite you to send your questions to EIM at dracon.com. Thank you for listening.