How Do I See My Parents As People? - S04E01

On this week’s show Kristin and I are talking all about our relationship to our parents and how we can start seeing our parents as not just parent’s but fellow human beings. We also dig into family expectations vs reality, forging your own path, and arriving to the conversation with best intentions. 

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DISCALIMER:
The views expressed on the Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast are solely the opinions of your hosts Kristin Wood and Ralph Andracchio and are based on their years of practical and clinical experience. These opinions do not constitute any kind of advice, diagnosis, or treatment of any mental, physical, or emotional issues. If you are having an emergency or any serious ongoing situations please contact your local hospital or a trusted professional.

Transcript

The Hey Let Me Ask You Something Podcast
Season 04
Episode 01
How Do I See My Parents As People?

[MUSIC INTRO PLAYS]

Ralph Andracchio  
Time to get curious, it's the Hey Let Me Ask You Something podcast. The show dedicated to inspiring more people to ask more questions and have more interesting conversations. On this week's show, Kristin and I are talking all about our relationships to our parents and how we can start seeing our parents as not just parents, but fellow human beings. 

Ralph Andracchio  
How much does our parents dreams for us actually, kind of shape where we go and then how do we reconcile that with our own dreams? And then how does that affect our relationship with our parents as we get older,

Kristin Wood  
There is a point or points where we recognize that our parents do not know everything and that in fact, they're flawed humans just like everyone is trying to keep going to them and trying to get that from them. You are literally just going to keep hitting a wall. The real more helpful, but difficult step is to stop doing that. Recognizing they can't give you that.

Ralph Andracchio  
The best way for you to help us inspire more conversations and easily find more of our killer episodes is to hit that subscribe button and share the show with your friends. And check us out on YouTube if you want to see us as well as hear us. And remember we love that you're listening but this show is for entertainment and we are not your therapist or your coach. We are not providing professional advice either from us or our guests. Give that full disclaimer in the show notes a once over for more info on that. Alright folks, let's start the conversation

Kristin Wood  
Do you have enough room? You know how I like to put my knee on you

Ralph Andracchio  
No, we're very we're very big kneed people in this country in this town. Man, Legos am I right?

Kristin Wood  
Oh my gosh, let's talk about the Legos

Ralph Andracchio  
I love Legos. A little bit of backstory for everybody who's just joining us on the show. Kristin came over and my partner Dan was helping her with her laptop issues. And while they were doing that I found a little undone, unbuilt Lego thing that we still had to put together so I put that together while they were doing... 

Kristin Wood  
And it's really cute because it's an Adidas sneaker. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Little Addidas sneaker and it came with a little guy with a little boombox and a microphone and it's really cute. I wish I could show everybody...

Kristin Wood  
Something you can display

Ralph Andracchio  
it's something we can display right above where we keep our shoes because we have a little bookcase where we keep our shoes in the shoe area. So it's worked out.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I love it. It made me want to get Legos and make up something I don't know...

Ralph Andracchio  
They actually have I looked it up online. They actually have Lego like fun experts where you can like do this thing where you do workshops with groups of people like corporate workshops or like people to teach them how to like have fun and collaborate and build stuff together. Lego do we better get some kind of sponsorship with Lego after this because we're talking about LEGO doesn't actually directly sponsor them anymore. Like there's spin off. Experts. I don't know what they're called mentors or like, wizards or whatever you want to call Lego wizards. I forget where I forget what the term is. But you can go and they'll train you in the ways of like Lego building collaboration and you can become a trainer and I kind of wanted to do it because it's really it looks really fun. Like that would be cool to tell everybody what do you do for a living? Have fun with Legos. 

Kristin Wood  
I play with Legos and I get paid. 

Ralph Andracchio  
I get paid to teach people how to collaborate through Lego.

Kristin Wood  
Well, I know that for years, there's been videos online of kids playing with Legos because my nephew used to go on and watch them.

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh yeah, that's a whole thing of watching people do stuff like that's one thing. If anything has taught me anything from being part of TikTok for almost a year now. It's people love watching other people make stuff. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah. That was always so foreign to me. When I was little I just played... obviously because I just remember when that all started out like what you're gonna watch somebody else play?

Ralph Andracchio  
I had a ton I had like a bucket full a huge bucket full of Legos.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I think my brother did my nephew's who are now semi-grown

Ralph Andracchio  
And that was the fun of it was you follow the directions at first you put it together the the way it was supposed to be quote unquote, put together. And then you build -and smash it and then build whatever you want.

Kristin Wood  
Love it.

Ralph Andracchio  
So brilliant. And, and then my mom on weekends would inevitably I would get woken up by the sound of all the Legos being sucked up into the vacuum cleaner and her screaming at the - Get down here and pick up your Legos

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, well. Have you ever stepped on a Lego? Not a fun experience.

Ralph Andracchio  
No, it's they actually sell special slippers that like cushion.

Kristin Wood  
That's a little much.

Ralph Andracchio  
I'm gonna buy 'em. I'm starting a Christmas list now. I want the Lego slippers. Speaking of parents and sucking stuff up through the vacuum. We have a very interesting question to kick off season four because...

Kristin Wood  
Four? Oh I said three. I'm sorry. We finished season three, we're starting season 4

Ralph Andracchio  
It's all blending together into a big miasma of regret. No. Mother's Day is coming up. Not this weekend, but next weekend, so we figured we'd jump on it now. And talk a little bit about parental dreams as realized through their children. And how those expectations our parents have for us kind of mold or and or get in the way of where we kind of set our sights for our futures.

Kristin Wood  
As well as as we get older the way the relationship plays out between the I say grown child and usually is when it can shift a little and the parent based on those factors.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, yeah. And I think it's a it's an interesting it's an interesting question like how, how much does our our parents dreams for us actually kind of shape where we go. And then how do we reconcile that with our own dreams? And then how does that affect our relationship with our parents as we get older? There's a ton of stuff to talk about.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, there's a lot in that and I don't think there's an answer to what you just asked

Ralph Andracchio  
It's one of the big questions

Kristin Wood  
There's not like one one way I think people, some people will get less pressure from their parents and figure out what they want to do and want to do it. And then I think there's people that get a lot of pressure and go on and do what their parents want them to do and they like it or don't. And then when people get a lot of pressure from their parents go the opposite direction and do something different. So I think there's there's many ways all of that can play out. I think it has a lot to do on more and more specific stuff of how they were raised and how that expectation played out for them as children.

Ralph Andracchio  
And you say something really lovely all the time. And I think you've said it in different previous episodes. And you said it today before we started taping, is that, you know, it's hard for us to see our parents as other human beings. You know, you said Yeah, can you say what you said because I can't say it better. 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I think and I'm generalizing. This is obviously not everyone's childhood experience. But I think for some people who grow up and think your parents kind of know everything and what they say and teach us is the law and you know, and and then for a lot of us as we get older, there is a point or points where we recognize that our parents do not know everything, and that in fact, they're flawed humans just like everyone is like we are like every person is they don't know everything. They didn't do everything right they don't do everything right. What do we do with that?

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, and when does when does that realization occur?

Kristin Wood  
I mean, it's different for everyone. I think that some people like I was talking to somebody who's pretty young late teens, and they were recognizing it. But there's some people that don't really recognize it, or yeah, they could be late. It could be later in life. It could be mid 20s, late 20s. I think there's some people that go longer than others with with trying to fulfill those expectations that were put on them for into their, you know, early adulthood, and then some people forever chose their life path. They may not know it, based on what their parents expectations was of them, and maybe also the societal wherever they grew up. pressures or expectations that also played into that. But I think for other people, it's often you know, early, early adulthood, realizing that hey, maybe I don't want to become a doctor or maybe I don't want to get married and have kids before I'm 30 or whatever. I'm just making stuff up. Um, but I think we grow up and I'm gonna be honest, I think for a lot of season we when we are growing up, we want to please our parents, especially children. And so and even young adults, I think that can still be happening trickling still happening. And you know, I It's hard to answer this because I think it's so different for everyone. But I think for some people, if their own when they start to recognize their own individual interest, plans, passions, then and they don't match with what their parents had expected as when there can be that dissonance and that problem or struggle Yeah, as to what to do with that.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. And, yeah, I'm gonna, I have a deep well of information and memories I can share about all of this and I'm happy to share just to kind of keep this conversation going and give it a little bit of flavor and context. I know growing up for me, there was a lot of pressure put on me to be a good student, a good person, a good citizen, like, I remember very clearly, you know, getting into screaming matches but my parents are crying because I got a B plus on a test because they're like, No, you need to get A's What is this be all about? I would I be by you know, and I remember like, locking myself in in the bathroom and crying because my parents got so angry that I got to be on a test and it's like, looking back I'm like, oh my god, I still did great. I got to be plus on a test. That's pretty good. Right? You know, but and I think now, you know, hindsight is always 2020 and, and having that distance as a 46 year old man now looking back on that. I, I know in some in some way. It was just them wanting more for me than they had. Yeah, and wanting me to be the best I could be how they went about it could have been better, of course, but I don't think anybody I don't think any parent gets it right

Kristin Wood  
now you know, and being able to recognize, especially if it had a very significant negative effect on a person, whatever that was. Whatever that expectation or pressure was, and they're struggling with it, it can be really hard to go to that place where you can recognize that it came from a place of for some I can't speak for everyone. It came from a place of love. It came from a place of wanting the best for you. That can be really tough sometimes, especially depending on what the specifics were around it and how they were treated and how they felt as children and how they're still feeling today maybe as a result of it. It's it's saying before we started making it way too simple, but I think that it's when there's things that your parents did that didn't jive well for you didn't sit well things that you might still be as an adult struggling with it. I'm really simplifying but you can choose to be angry, resentful, and be an upset at them about what they did or didn't do that created the struggle for you as an adult. Or you can with a lot of work, figure out how to understand it, understand it through they were doing their best and accept them because a lot of what we do as adults with our parents, is we continue to grow if we didn't get something we needed. In particular as the best example, we keep putting ourselves in situations even as adults to try to get those needs met. And we're basically just running into a wall because our parents most likely didn't give us the stuff maybe it's talking about emotions such as comparison sample, because they don't know how. So yes, we needed that as children, you know, going with this example, but trying to keep going to them and trying to get that from them. You are literally just going to keep hitting a wall. He keeps feeling disappointed, feeling hurt, feeling whatever it is you feel and the real, more helpful but difficult step is to stop doing that recognizing they can't give you that you cannot get that need met there and not continue to go there trying to get it back because it's just real. It's just over and over. You're feeling the same thing as you were filming the whole life trying to get that need and that they can't do this for me. And if I want that need that perhaps I need to figure out how to give it to myself or I can get it in other places. But continuing to go to that and it just continues to show up and I'm in here I'm talking about the relationship is obviously making that relationship with that parent or those parents that much worse every time you do that.

Ralph Andracchio  
Absolutely. And hearing you talk makes me think of you know, there's we it's easy to think on the extremes of the spectrum. You know, there's the parents who don't really know what the hell they're doing and are kind of like what do does you know I'm not saying it's a bad thing I'm just like, they're trying the best they can and then there's the other end of the spectrum where there's like the fully prepared and versed and like read all the books and talked all they did and they like they they are doing everything textbook right with their kids. I think everybody's still going to get that pushback you're talking about. Because there's a process we all go through trying to find ourselves who are who am I as a human being autonomously separate from my parents and what they want and I think starting with puberty and parents if you're out there, I don't have kids, but if I'm saying something wrong, please push back. And I think starting around puberty is when it really starts to kick into high gear where like we try to find ourselves Who am I like where where do I fit in? And no matter how good of a parent you are, you're always going to get some degree of pushback of like, No, I want to do this myself. Oh god, you're so dumb. Leave me alone, mom.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah. Well, yeah, but some of that's just typical. teenage stuff. And some of his inherent differences.

Ralph Andracchio  
Like political religious, the big things are taken about

Kristin Wood  
a minute here, like for instance, if you have I don't know a parent that the way they operate is that they they go through their day and they don't take a break until they're done everything they have to get them for the day. And this is a simple simple certificate but and then their their child or children are need to operate around their schoolwork or whatever it is that they're doing where that doesn't work for them. That becomes too overwhelming and they have a lot of pressure on self and the need to slow it down. Break it down, take breaks and not push yourself maybe as hard as the parent is to get through every single solitary thing is what works for them. So there's a I keep using the word disallowance. Lately, I've been like on the thing with it. That's

Ralph Andracchio  
really smart. And I've been like, well, you're very smart. So use it, use the hell out of dissonance.

Kristin Wood  
So there's a disconnect between the way in which they operate with getting work done. Right and so sometimes unnoticed and unseen. Often if a child's were growing up in that they may try to model what they're seeing. And it would take some real growth and some real work to recognize if in fact, that's not working for them. Wait a minute, that's fine. That's how you do it. But for me I operate differently. And the best way for me to take care of myself and get my work done is to do it this

Ralph Andracchio  
way. And then there's that parental conditioning or like genetic kind of thing that kicks in where it's like, no, I need to protect you. You need to do it this way because I know it works. When you see get hurt, you know? So I'm trying to see it from the parents point of view of like, oh gosh, I want this this human being that I'm in charge of trying to keep alive you

Kristin Wood  
know, like do they would they even necessarily know they're teaching and showing or enforcing whatever the word is? What works for them, right? Or what they do. I don't know if it works or not, but what they've done their whole lives. So they may not even recognize unless the child or young adult says hey, guess what, this is how you modeled and what you do in your life and that's fine. But I've realized recently that that wasn't working for me and that this this and this is working more effectively for me to get my stuff done.

Ralph Andracchio  
And that is a really, really nice way to put it but it's conversations never go that way. They're always devolved into shouting matches.

Kristin Wood  
I'm being a little

Ralph Andracchio  
very Yeah. You know, perfect world. But I think you know, looking at it from outside in an objective way. I think, you know, it's best intentions all around us. Like we just want what's best for you. And then the child is like well, I just I need to figure out who I am and I need to make my own mistakes. Let's not discount the power of making your own mistake. Yeah, I think as adults we have more freedom to do that. And our parents don't want to see us make mistakes because it hurts them and they want to see you know, they don't want to see us lose or in pain or like do something wrong. So it's understandable all around and I think you know, again, hindsight is 2020 but it realized you know, realizing all this what we're talking about, no matter what stage of relationship you're out with your parents I think is helpful just to try to see each other as human beings and we're all trying to do our best and find ourselves. Parents too. I don't think you stop evolving and growing and changing when you have a kid.

Kristin Wood  
I don't think they stopped trying to parent you enroll.

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh my God, my parent, my parents, my God.

Unknown Speaker  
I guess what I make it through the day every day even when you're not here. Right and I lie

Ralph Andracchio  
myself alive. I think my parents are still surprised when I'm I call them alive and well. Check. Oh, you've made it another week. Congratulations. We did okay, check in again next week.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I think too. I've been losing my train of thought all day.

Ralph Andracchio  
I'll fill in the blanks. I'll do a little soft shoe.

Kristin Wood  
What was it

Ralph Andracchio  
I culd sing something maybe, I don't know.

Kristin Wood  
We're talking about a parent's best intentions and you know, I think the one that one it's really hard. This is not what I was gonna say but I thought anyway, so what it's really really hard as if, if an individual had a very, very, like traumatizing or very abuse or whatever type of childhood, then it's really hard. That's when it gets really really tough for them to look at mom and dad's childhood and why how that might have been why? Because there's so much I hate to use the word damage but so much has been done that they're now struggling with. And so that's when it gets really really tough for people to accept forgive

Ralph Andracchio  
There's that word,

Kristin Wood  
that's what I was. Gonna say that a lot of times people equate and I don't want to go off on a tangent here But accepting or forget, um, no. Let me just start with accepting because I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself, accepting behave, accepting someone for who they are means that you like that behavior. So accepting X that a parent does or didn't do means that you are saying it was okay that you didn't give that to me and it's really not as it can feel like not okay to you like that you were able like all parents should know that. So you are a parent, you should know how to do this. But you don't have to like it. You don't have to think it was great. You don't have to celebrate it. You're just saying that's who they are. And they're my parents. So you can still not like it. You can still be sad didn't happen for you or did happen to you. But so I think that's where people get tripped up a lot. It's also an I might be a tangent, we can come back in but forgiveness is the same thing. In my opinion. People think forgiveness is saying that what you did is okay and I totally disagree. I think forgiveness is actually often times can be just as selfish as it is selfless, because oftentimes it can be for you. And the act of forgiving can be late letting go of a heavy heavy load up walking around with it's really making you miserable.

Ralph Andracchio  
And into the choir now rights preach it and the acceptance goes both ways. I think, Boy, I know you know, parents accepting their children for who they are and what they do. And the choices they're making. It's it's hard again because we it's hard to see ourselves see each other as human beings in that familial you know, parent child relationship. It's so weird to think of, you know, I'm I, I'm in my mid 40s. And my parents are in their mid 80s. And it's still hard for me to see them as autonomous people just living their lives and doing their thing because they're my parents, you know, and I don't agree with some of the decisions they make, especially during the pandemic and that's a whole other episode right there. But I still see them as like, I see more. I can see it more of a lot of the things they do out of fear. Ignorance, but like just just not knowing all of the facts around a certain thing or like just wanting to believe what they believe, you know, as we all do, and yes, it's frustrating. Yes, it's maddening. Yes, I want them to I want to sit them down and explain them how the world works. Yeah, actually, but I noticed that gonna happen because they're going to they're going to, it's just going to devolve into an argument and a lot of times, a lot of my interactions with them. I love them more than life itself. But a lot of times I avoid certain subjects because it just like I'm I'm too old and too tired to have the argument like I just don't want to do it's not gonna go anywhere. They're, they're too old and set in their ways and I'm too old set in my ways. That's, you know, we I go over there when I visit them or I talk to them on the phone. I stick to the things I know we can talk about and agree on and laugh and joke and you know, that's what makes the relationship nice. There's no need to dig into the, the stuff that's going to cause an issue.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I think it's like anybody or parents or whomever, if they have their stance or their position on whatever, why, especially somebody that's in their 80s Right. Why are you going to sit there and try to convince them differently? Why Why them by you're like wasting your breath. Because somebody especially someone older like that or someone who's just like real dug in on their physician. You're literally just spinning your wheels. It's like, you know, I'm not gonna get into politics per se, but for a second reference it is like when you have someone approach you that you know, is a very strong stance and it can be kind of obvious right away, if they're going to try to like, convince you or challenge you to their position. If I don't, I don't want to engage in that. Because I don't the energy is not going to go anywhere good because we're clearly on different pages. And why it's just it's it's just getting everyone upset.

Ralph Andracchio  
Right. And we've talked about this before in terms of like arriving to the conversation open and with best intentions and wanting to have a conversation and not so easily. Right. There. Absolutely. But if I'm if I'm arriving in a conversation, saying like, I'm going to be open, I'm if I'm proven wrong, great. You know, there's stuff out there. I don't know I want to learn. I'm the exception to the rule. I think a lot of times people don't arrive to conversations with best intentions. They just want to argue and fight and yell and prove people wrong. And that's not a conversation. That's a that's a fight. You're arriving to do battle. Yeah. And life doesn't have to be like that.

Kristin Wood  
I mean, I think too, when we keep going back to our parents expecting them to be something different, trying to convince them to be something different or give us unmet needs or whatever the case may be. A we already discussed a bunch of times it's not going to paly change unless you your parents are in some intensive therapy and have identified these issues. They would like to be different. Be at that point, the work needs to be on you. Because what I said to somebody recently was that if somebody wants to take the route for whatever they then they may have very good reasons. So I'm not like trying to be judgmental of anyone that takes whatever stance they do with their parents, but if you take the stance of being resentful and angry and blaming them, you're taking in my opinion, that's a strong statement. And you were somewhat taking the responsibility off of yourself to take care of the issues, how they're affecting you. Because if you continue to stay in that spot, you're very unlikely to be able to heal and whatever if it's horrible or just not great or whatever it is that happened to you is oftentimes when there's a lot of resentment and anger and blame, it really gets in the way of that individual person being able to heal themselves.

Ralph Andracchio  
Yes. And speaking from my my experience as a coach and thinking about clients, I've had parental expectations, familial expectations, friend expectations, really do have a big, gravitational pull on the choices you make as an adult have careers relationships, where you live, who you hang out with, you know. So if you think oh, I moved across the country to get away from my parents, which I've done, moved all the way to California for a few years just to get away from my parents. It doesn't that gravitational pull never, you could have shot me into space and I would still think like what my parents think about this, are they okay? Are they cavion Maybe in a stowaway on the on the space shuttle? It doesn't go away. And so another aspect of this is how do I as an adult reconcile all those ones needs aspirations and my parents and they've been projecting on me for all my for however long with my life and where I want to go and what I want to do and the career I won, and so I think that's another interesting facet of this to to pull apart.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, I just was talking to a client about that but you know removing themselves from a situation that was very difficult with a family they were able to get the relief of getting out of the situation but everything that's been going on as just hit them like a ton of bricks over the head at the same time, because getting that reprieve getting that space, also gave them the space to feel the feels as you say, and really feel all the emotions around what was going on. So no matter what you're right, no matter where you go, in the only person that the only control you have is over yourself at that point. And so I always feel sad, I don't judge or I try not to judge people that you know, continue to be angry, maybe just connect completely from their parents and walk around with that because I didn't live in their shoes, but I feel sad for them and I feel sad for their parents because they're both just going to continue walking around with some level of pain, whether they see it or not.

Ralph Andracchio  
Right. And it takes a lot. It's a heavy lift to be able to separate yourself from all that baggage that we take. And there's a little bit of, you know, we choose we choose a lot in our life we choose to wallow in whatever emotional state we're in. We choose the relationships we choose. We choose to put a lot of weights on what our parents want, or we choose not to, you know, there's, and I know a lot of times please push back on this but I think a lot of times it can be hard for us to say no, I don't have a choice in this. It just is what it is. I think there's a little bit of choice everywhere and everything that happens in our lives, how we feel about how we react to things how we wind from things. And, you know, I can only speak for myself, but sometimes it is very difficult to separate. You know, this is what I really shouldn't be doing. But I wonder what my parents are gonna think you know, and then I say I can't I can't base I can't build my whole life around what my parents think.

Kristin Wood  
But you know, for those people that are younger than us. I don't really think it goes away. 100% even as you get older, there's still a level of it. And you want to keep it in check but there's there's still a level of it. Because they're your parents and I don't know you know, psychology behind I probably should but

Ralph Andracchio  
You don't know all the psychology? 

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, no I don't. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Man. I've been lied to but also something I I did. I do sometimes when people are very stuck on what their, what their parents think or want from them. I always try to break it down to its simplest part and it inevitably always breaks down to what do your parents really want? And it's usually they want me to be happy. Yes. And what do you want for your parents? I want them to be 30 go, No, and I'll be broken down and I know I'm oversimplifying a ton of this and there's always exceptions to the rule, but I think the majority of the time our parents just want us to be happy and successful and loved and you know, want us to be content whole people that can you know, release us into the wild. And sometimes it can be a comfort and a help to think of it that way of like you know, at the end of the day they really just want me to be happy.

Kristin Wood  
Agreed. And I think I'd absolutely think that that's true, and they're not always modeling, or have they always been doing what's the healthiest way of whatever, you know, but that's all that they know. And so they may push that on their child because they think that that's what's going to be best for them. But it I think I said before I think it's really hard especially if you came from a very traumatic chaotic or some semi or very abusive family that is very, this what we're talking about us is far more difficult. And you know, so I, and I want to make sure we're clear on that. That that's very different. And again, I'm not saying that those were parents that were evil. I think there's a lot of reasons why kids grow up in those environments and parents behave that way that you know, doesn't make them bad people, maybe not wonderful parents, but I think that trying to do a lot of the stuff we're talking about when someone came from some an environment like that is just way more just just harder than we've even probably described. I was lucky enough to not, but I've worked with enough people and children and that have

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah. And I don't think we're in any way trying to tell people how to parent or you know, shaming anybody for not shaming. I hope not I will I'm ashamed of myself. No, I don't. I think what we're saying is, you know, on on average, people try their best and do their best and succeed a majority of the time because there's a lot of really great people in the world. So well done parents everywhere. And I can't even begin to imagine the level of stress and and heartburn and agita, you know, having children brings to life, but also, you know, a lot of happiness and gratitude and you know, there's always the good stuff and I think what we're talking about is just, you know, from an objective 30,000 foot view of saying, you know, no matter what stage of development, they're at Kids Are these like little human beings trying to find their way in the world and figure out who they are and their relationship to everything else and it's hard to see that when you're just trying to keep them safe and not stick their fingers in an outlet and get run over and I get it you know, it's it's come from a huge family. I have a ton of nieces and nephews and cousins and you know, I remember growing up where it was just like a madhouse, and people pulling their hair out trying to keep us all safe and I get it. But then, you know, I also see a lot of best intentions, no matter how convoluted they may, they may be, you know, and that's what we're talking about, again, barring any egregious abuse, you know, like, yeah, that's, if there's Yeah, if there's if there's a family where there's like egregious abuse and harm happening that's that's like never okay. But then, you know, there are people that grow up with abuse who turned out to be pretty swell people, myself included, who have overcome a lot in their lives. And you know, I think I'm doing all right so there's there's there's always three sides to every quarter.

Kristin Wood  
Another point we didn't touch on yet is that all kids are all kids are different. Kids within a family are different kinds of kids and need different things. And I am not a parent, but I would think that would be very difficult, especially if you have a lot of children and or you have a child that's extremely different from you. Knowing how to meet that child's needs has got to be extremely challenging, because they what you know, and how you're navigating the world and how you grew up and experience everything could be very, very different from them. So especially if there's more than one child, being able to know what each child and the end of that that's a lot, you know, some kids are more sensitive anymore. And some other kids they want to be left alone, you know, there's all this to navigate and so give parents a break sometimes. 

Ralph Andracchio  
So speaking to, excuse me, speaking to our listeners who maybe are thinking about their relationship with their parents in terms of like, how much of an effect what their parents think and feel has on the decisions that are making? What could they will get they take away from what we're talking about today. Does that make sense? I'm trying to

Kristin Wood  
I think 

Ralph Andracchio  
I can. I can clarify. I because a lot of times like I again, just speaking for myself, a lot of decisions I make in terms of career relationships, you know, where I live, where I hang out with a lot of times I think I'm gonna have to explain this to mom and dad or like, this isn't what they want. They really want me to do this or like, oh, what does my family want? And again, I know there may be cultural issues in this where you live, who you live with how you grew up. But, you know, how do you find your autonomy within whatever relationship you've had?

Kristin Wood  
I think this is my idealistic explanation. I like I think, even though there can be rough periods where parents fight back with people about the decisions that they're making or the beliefs that they have that might differ from them. I think most parents want their children to be happy with said this. I think that if you stick to sounds like a Hallmark movie, but if you stick to what makes you happy, and you're really doing a check in of is this how I feel or is this how my parents would like me to feel about this or what my parents would like me to do doesn't mean you rebel or whatever everything your parents have wanted for you. But I think ultimately, if you're doing everything to keep them happy, and you're miserable, that's not really what most parents want at most. I would think so it's really doing because they can get muddy. Sometimes it's unclear if you're doing some. Most of us grew up doing things to keep our parents happy. And so as you get older, and you figure out yourself, like you said, really try to do a check in with yourself. Is this something that I want or am I doing this because this is kind of how I was raised and what I thought of and that doesn't always come the risk. It's not always received well, but I think that and again, I'm you know, really simplifying this but if you don't do what makes you happy, but you're trying to please them that's what that's not a win. That's just a lose. It's a lose - lose,

Ralph Andracchio  
Yeah, loser. Sorry I'm not calling anybody... 

Kristin Wood  
Ralph coming in hard.

Ralph Andracchio  
Coming in hot. Yeah, yes. 

Kristin Wood  
It's so easy to say. That's why I hesitate. What I'm saying is so easy to say. This stuff is really hard. 

Ralph Andracchio  
Oh my god. Yeah, 

Ralph Andracchio  
I personally struggled with a lot of this. So it's not, it's not even like it stops. It's kind of a continued thing and keep working.

Ralph Andracchio  
And I think from my point of view in my professional and personal experience, I think the more you find your thing, the more you find your values, your engine, the more like what drives you forward, what gets you out of bed in the morning what you love to do, what your contribution is, so the world how you help people how you help yourself, the more you find all the all those things in your life. It mitigates the pressure from outside to, you know what I need for that is whoever it is because then you have your own deep well of resilience that will will carry you through and say no, you know what I am doing right? I'm do I am doing okay, I'm doing the right thing. I am doing what I want to do and I am helping people I am you know, making an impact. That's all we want to do. Right? So I think the more you find that stuff for yourself, the less the less pressure and pull that other stuff from your parents has on you.

Kristin Wood  
Yeah, that's that's a great way to sum it up actually, like, if you that's with everything, the more you are comfortable with yourself. Or you have a good relationship with you. And the more you try to figure out what it is you want in your life, career wise and relationship wise, you don't need to look outside or worry so much about what everyone's thinking. You know you if you know and you're confident and you're secure. With the way you're going about life. It bothers you less even your parents like it bothers you less. And you won't be as triggered as when you're not sure and all those things and you're looking outside to figure it out whether that be parents friends, society, whatever.

Ralph Andracchio  
There you go. I think we I think we nailed it. Another World issue solved.

Kristin Wood  
Well, I mean, I've been dying to dig into this one.

Ralph Andracchio  
There's a - oh my god, what was that? What was that laugh? What was that wheeze? Man? That was a supervillain laugh if I ever heard one. Damn, sorry about that. Wow. Okay, I'm gonna get that checked out, I'll report back next episode if you if you all have any thoughts, feelings, questions, comments, observations about anything we've talked about during this episode. Please contact us at heyletmeaskyousomething@gmail.com Send us anything. Send us a recipe. I'll make it and I'll presented on the show. Whatever. Mom jokes dad jokes. I'm a sucker for a good dad joke. There's so good. Like, like. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it

Ralph Andracchio  
all right, here's another dad joke. Why do all the Norwegian Navy ships have barcodes on them? Because you have to Scandinavian

Kristin Wood  
Alright, the train has officially gone off the track I would have cut Ralph off

Ralph Andracchio  
Feel free to use any of those jokes I have more. There's a lot more. And and if you want to contact Kristin or myself for anything. Our contact information is in the show notes. That's it

Kristin Wood  
yeah, stay tuned for an exciting season. We have some guests coming up. We tried some new stuff.

Ralph Andracchio  
We tried to do new things. We may do double dare I don't know. Alright, everybody, have a good week. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai