Choose Influence Over Control Or Lose What Matters

We unpack how abuse often begins with power and control rather than violence, and how fear and insecurity fuel cycles that erode trust. We draw a clear line between leadership and control, share personal lessons, and offer practical steps to build influence instead of dominance.

• control as the quiet start of abuse 
• subtle tactics that shrink autonomy 
• fear as the driver of domination 
• leadership through respect versus submission 
• the cycle of abuse and false repair 
• emotional control and gaslighting explained 
• healthy power as self-regulation and accountability 
• breaking generational patterns with awareness and action 
• self-assessment questions to build influence

Listen to this episode with honesty. Then ask yourself, am I building influence or relying on control? And if this episode resonated with you in any way, like, subscribe, follow, share with a man that you think might need to hear it 
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode 
For daily, motivational, and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at ExcellenceAboveTalent 
Keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle

Transcript

Framing The Series And Topic

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

Control As The Hidden Start Of Abuse

False Strength And Performative Masculinity

Subtle Tactics Of Power And Control

Fear As The Engine Behind Control

Leadership Versus Control

The Cycle Of Abuse Explained

Emotional Control And Gaslighting

What Healthy Power Looks Like

Breaking Generational Patterns

SPEAKER_00 0:36

What's up, my beautiful people? Aaron Thomas with Excellence Above Talent. We're still in phase two, uh, but we are in episode 12 on this series, 24-week series, of why men become abusive and how they can change. And in episode 12, we're talking about power and control and the patterns that most men don't see. So most abusive behavior doesn't start with violence, it starts with control. Control of the conversations, control of the emotions, control of their decisions, control of people. Today we're talking about power and control and the patterns that many men never recognize in themselves, but it quietly destroys their relationship. So when I usually heard the word domestic violence, I've assumed only the craziest things. Hitting, punching, biting, pushing. I imagine someone being hurt, screaming matches, police reports, but abuse rarely begins there. It begins with power and control. And the uncomfortable truth is that many men don't see these patterns in themselves because they were raised around them. They saw controlled modeled as leadership. They saw dominance modeled as strength. They saw silence modeled as masculinity. So when they grow up, they repeat those same patterns without realizing what they are doing. And I was also in that rat race of looking to society to help me become a better man. But I'm starting to realize more and more, there are more men who act like bitches in society than not. A lot of men can put on this front of I'm big and I'm bad and everyone wants to be me. Until you really get to be around that person, you hang around them, you see how they move and act, and you just realize it's not the type of man you'd want to be. It's not the type of man you would want your kids to be. Not the type of man you would want the people, the like the young boys around you to be. But you would never know that unless you got to know that person. Uh but there's just a lot of men posing as strong and they're weak. Not because of their choice, but it's because of power and control. And we're gonna go into it deeper. But a lot of men make the assumption that they are strong if they can control others. And the sad part is you can't control anybody. People just don't want to deal with your bullshit. So they just kind of do what it is that you or they think that they want you to do, or that you think they want you to do, so there won't be any issues. But it's not like a, oh, I respect that man, so I'm gonna do it. It's just like a, oh, here he comes with all this crap. So let me act like I'm I'm doing it so he doesn't fly off the wall. Power and control isn't always loud. Sometimes it's subtle. What power and control looks like is deciding everything in the relationship, dismissing someone's feelings, controlling finances, isolating someone from family and friends, demanding obedience, instead of cooperation. She should submit to me, but you don't even submit to yourself, using anger to shut down conversations, making someone feel small so you feel big. None of these behaviors feel extreme in the moment, but over time they create an environment where one person has power and the other loses autonomy. That is not partnership, that is control. When you walk into a room and the whole mood shifts, and it's not in a good way. That is not partnership, that is control. You have people walking on eggshells. It's not cute. Doesn't make you manly, it makes you weak. Weak because you you see, or maybe you feel, but you do nothing about it. Not because you can't, you just won't. You won't go to church, you won't seek counseling, you won't change friends that you know aren't helping you grow in your life, you won't do any of the things that you know you need to do in order to become a stronger and better man because you're afraid of what that looks like and how people would judge or view you. So you stay in this place of complacency and you bring everyone else around you down for fear of being a better man. And speaking of fear, control usually comes from fear. The fear of losing respect, losing authority, losing the relationship, looking weak, being wrong. So when a man doesn't know how to regulate fear or insecurity, control becomes the shortcut, the only thing he knows. If I can control the environment, I feel safe. If I can control the person, I feel powerful. But control is not the same as security. Control might create temporary compliance, but it destroys long-term trust. A lot of times control is disguised as leadership, and it gets complicated because many men say, I'm just leading, I'm protecting my family, I'm setting standards. And sometimes that's true. But leadership looks very different from control. Because leadership says, Let's talk about this. What do you think? How can we solve this together? And control says, because I said so, this is my decision, you don't get a say. If you're saying you're the leader of your household and your leadership doesn't invite respect, you're not leading. If you say you are the leader of your household, but you demand submission, you're not leading. Because leadership invites respect and control demands submission. So you can always look at the life that you have created and that you are creating and try to see am I leading through respect or am I leading demanding submission? Because if you're leading demanding submission, you're not leading at all, you are just controlling. Once a control enters a relationship, a cycle often develops. And in my batterer intervention class, this is one of the weeks that we had when we were talking about the cycle of abuse and the power and control will. First, you feel tension building. You're not living the life that you feel like you should live. They're not saying the things that you feel like they should say, they're not doing the things that you feel that they should do. And this is what my first marriage was all about. I mean, it was uh the cycle that I was putting her through, not knowing I was putting her through a cycle until later on. So the tension's building because of something that they're not doing. And also pay attention, it's always them. You are always going to be a victim when you're trying to control someone. It's never your fault. So when my tension was building, I was blaming her. And then it shows up through anger, intimidation, or manipulation. And then you know that that's not how you should be living your life. So you usually regret it. You apologize, you say you're sorry, you promise her that you'll try to do better and be better, you have makeup sex, and then things calm down for a while. But because you've never tackled the root issue of what was happening in your life, and your need to control hasn't been addressed, the cycle then repeats itself. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes it takes weeks, sometimes it takes days. And every time the cycle repeats itself, the damage that you are doing in your relationships digs deeper. Because control isn't just about physical or financial, it's sometimes emotional. And emotional control looks like guilt tripping someone into doing what you want, making someone feel responsible for your emotions. I'm screaming because you did this. The silent treatment as punishment, gaslighting or denying someone's reality, constantly crit criticizing to keep someone insecure. Because if I can keep someone insecure about themselves, it's easier for me to control them. It's very hard to control a confident, secure woman. So I need to make her question and doubt herself, her beauty, who she is, her confidence. And emotional control is harder to see because it's happening on the inside. And a lot of people have learned how to fake what's happening on the inside by smiling and acting like everything's okay on the outside when there's a raging storm happening on the inside. So we're talking about how what control is and how control can be abusive and how control is abusive. And then we're going to take a little step or switch into what healthy power looks like. Because healthy power doesn't dominate, it stabilizes. As a man walking into a room or into a space, healthy power means regulating your emotions, respecting boundaries, sharing decision making, communicating openly, taking accountability when you are wrong. Because if you really think about it, real strength isn't about controlling people. If you're a Christian and you read the Bible, God never forced anyone to do anything. He just showed up through actions he loved and gave, and that changed people's perspectives and lives. So you don't have strength at all if you're trying to control your family or the people around you. Because you should be using that energy and that strength to control yourself, control your emotions, control your insecurities, control your anger. And this conversation matters because if men don't examine their relationship with power, they will repeat what they've learned. And those patterns will be passed down to these next generations. And I'm seeing it now today. Sixth and seventh and eighth graders don't respect women at all whatsoever. They will walk by them, they will keep walking, they will cuss at them, very disrespectful, and they've got it, they got it from somewhere. It's a pattern that has been passed down and they think it's okay. When children are raised in an environment where control replaces communication, they often grow up believing that that is what love looks like. But that's how the cycle continues. But there's beauty in cycles being broken. And if a men, or if if a man can break the cycle of trying to control the people in his life, how the next generation of men will grow up to be different. And that's a beautiful thing because it starts with awareness. I am aware that if I don't change what I'm doing and how I feel, I'm going to be putting this burden, this feeling onto someone else who doesn't deserve it because I didn't have the balls enough to go out there and make myself better, to challenge my thinking. But I never tried to go over and beyond to make sure I was protecting the people that I that I'm saying I'm willing to die for. It doesn't make sense. In my first marriage, I said I would protect her and I did my best, but now that I think about it, it saddens my heart because who was protecting her from me? I was a monster in her life. I was trying to control for fear of what others would say or think. I was cheating. I was drinking. All because I did not want to dig deep to become a better man. You run the things that make you feel like you're a better man. Drinking enough makes you feel confident enough. Having sex with other women make you feel confident enough. I I'm still wanting. They still want me. But deep down you're hurting, you're broken, and you know what you need to do, you know who you need to protect, but you don't because you're running. If your relationships require control to function, it's not healthy. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and shared influence, not fear, not dominance, not manipulation. So the question every man should be asking himself is simple. Do I lead through influence or control? Because the kind of power you choose determines the kind of relationship you build. These are some questions I want you to think about over the week that could help you start to question who you are as a man and if you can be better. Number one, where might control show up in my relationship? Number two, when I feel insecure, how do I respond? Do I respond with communication? Try to see what's going on and make a connection? Or do I try to control the situation? And number three, what would healthy leadership look like in my relationship? And the call of action for this week is to listen to this episode with honesty. Then ask yourself, am I building influence or relying on control? And if this episode resonated with you in any way, like, subscribe, follow, share with a man that you think might need to hear it. If anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you, you're awesome, you're amazing. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not give up, do not quit. The world does not get easier, but you get stronger. Y'all have a blessed weekend, and we'll see you next week. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_01 17:07

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily, motivational, and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at ExcellenceAboveTalent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time.