What If The Hardest Part Of Love Is Accountability

We break down the cycle of violence and why abusive relationships can feel good again right before the pattern returns. We name what it takes for men to stop repeating harm, replace excuses with ownership, and build real change that shows up in daily behavior. 
• the cycle of abuse as a repeating pattern rather than constant chaos 
• tension stage signs like irritability, control, criticism, and emotional distance 
• action stage behaviors including yelling, intimidation, manipulation, threats, and physical violence 
• apology or honeymoon phase as affection, gifts, promises, and vulnerability that rebuild attachment 
• calm stage as temporary peace that turns into tension when issues stay untreated 
• why people get stuck between pain and hope and why leaving can take multiple attempts 
• breaking the cycle through accountability, therapy, church support, emotional regulation, and consistent behavior change 
• extreme ownership as refusing to blame stress, alcohol, childhood, or a partner 
• stopping generational cycles so kids do not inherit rage, distance, gaslighting, and control 
If this episode made you think differently about your relationships, share it with someone who needs to hear it. 
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. 
For daily motivational and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent.

Transcript

Welcome And What We Tackle

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Commandment, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

The Four Stages Of The Cycle

Pain Hope And Staying Stuck

What Actually Breaks The Cycle

Stop Passing It To Your Kids

Reflection Questions And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 0:44

We're back. We're on episode 13 of our 24-week series of why men become abusive and how they can change. And on this podcast episode, we're talking about we're still in a cycle of violence and why abuse is repeated. One of the most confusing parts about abusive relationships is that they're not always abusive all the time. There are good moments, apologies, calm periods, promises to change, but then somehow the same pattern comes back. I want to talk to you today about the cycle of violence and why abuse repeats. And why breaking that cycle takes more than just saying sorry. Your words will not break a cycle. Your hopes will not break an abusive cycle. Nine times out of ten, abuse has been seen. And so a lot of men and young boys think that it's normal to act the way that they act, to treat people the way that they treat people. A lot of people think abusive relationships are constant chaos. But it hardly ever works that way. Because most abusive relationships follow a cycle. It's a pattern that repeats over and over again. And once you understand this cycle, you start to see why so many people struggle to leave unhealthy dynamics. And the cycle of abuse that we're talking about usually has four stages. First stage is the tension stage where things fall off. You're not communicating at the level that you should be communicating. The things that might have that you might have brushed off, they're now frustrating you. And when you're at this stage, as a man, you become irritable, impatient, critical, controlling, and emotionally distant. And your partner might sense that something is wrong and start walking on eggshells. Because they want to avoid the conflict, because they're trying to keep the peace. But tension keeps growing. And in my experience, there was something that wasn't done or said, and instead of finding a way to communicate how I felt, I internalized it. And so everything that she said or did, how she breathed, how she ate, it didn't matter. When she walked into the room, all those feelings came back. Even if you were having a good day. So tension is building. And then one day you explode. You can't keep your frustration in any longer. And ten times out of ten, tension always turns into some type of action. And that action could be yelling, intimidating, emotional abuse, calling her names, saying she's fat. If she has kids, no one would want to be with her and her twelve kids. That she can't do anything without you. Those actions turn into threats. If you don't do this, I'll go out and find somebody else that will. Manipulation. And then physical violence. A lot of people make the assumption that that is what is going on when someone becomes abusive. But it's only part of a cycle. So the first stage is tension and it's building. The second stage is the action. Something that was said or done that was abusive. The third stage is the apology stage. Because a lot of men who have abusive tendencies know that they are being abusive at that moment. They don't have the tools to stop themselves from being abusive. So they're abusive. And after being abusive, they feel bad. Because most men know what they're doing when they're doing it. And now they're trying to figure out a way to fix what they have done. And so they apologize. It's called the honeymoon phase. Whereas a man you will say, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, it won't happen again, I'm just stressed out. I lost control, I blacked out. And so what a man would typically do is be affectionate, buy gifts, make promises, and be emotionally vulnerable. They'll open up because they're trying to show you that they've changed or they're trying to change. And a lot of times those moments feel real and it creates hope for your spouse. But if you're not doing anything as amen to correct your ways, you're always gonna go back to what's normal. And so your spouse is hoping that what you're saying and doing is the new you, but hope does not break cycles. The fourth stage is the calming stage. After you apologize, after things have calmed down, everything seems normal. There's peace, communication improves, life moves forward. But because you haven't dealt with your issues as a man, the issues of power and control and emotional regulation, tension will build again. And then you're back up to this cycle, and you're about to work your way back down over and over again. And this cycle is so powerful because it keeps people stuck between pain and hope. And so, yeah, he might cause me pain, but I've seen him be kind and nice and affectionate. So there's hope that he will get better. But abusive moments create fear. Apology moments create attachment, and the calm moments create an illusion that everything's okay. So the relationship never feels completely bad, but it never becomes healthy, neither. It stays the same. So there's this stat that women will go back to men who are abusing them up to seven times. Because of this cycle and how powerful that is, it creates this flow of as a man, she knows now what pisses me off. And as a woman, she's thinking, what can I do to not feel this pain again? As a man, breaking the cycle of abuse requires more than regret. It requires accountability, therapy, or intervention of going to church and really going to church and leaning in to what God has called you to be as a man, talking with your pastor, finding ways to regulate your emotions, abandoning control, which is hard, which is a hard thing to do as a man, because we have so much pride and ego. We think we can control it all, and we can't. And you have to be able to change your behavior consistently. Nothing changes overnight, but if you know that you want to be better and do better, you'll put forth your efforts into trying to be better than to say I want to be better and don't do anything to try to be better. Because apologies without change is just another part of the cycle. If you want to know that you have changed as a man, look at yourself in the mirror, look at how the people around you are treating you, because real change is measurable and it will show up in your behavior. And you cannot do anything to change your life if you have no accountability of what you're doing that's making your life difficult, that's creating this space for your wife and your kids. Because the moment a man stops blaming stress, alcohol, childhood, or his partner and takes full responsibility is when real change becomes possible. And accountability in the relationship, it sounds like I chose that behavior. I need help changing it. I'm committed to doing the work. And that's rare for people, especially men, to say I need help. Because, like I said in my previous podcast, men asking for help makes men feel weak. Because we're supposed to carry this burden on our shoulder with grace. We're supposed to carry this burden without feeling or showing emotions, but being accountable is necessary. Jocko Willock has a book called Extreme Ownership, and he talks about how you can't blame anyone for anything. Because if you go back into time, you can figure out what you did to create the mess that you're in. For instance, in my previous marriage, tension would build, I would feel some type of way, I would stop talking, I would pull back, I would say to protect myself, but it was me being abusive emotionally by not talking, by not wanting to be touched. And it takes two. So my tension's building, she's getting on my nerves, she's walking on eggshells, and at some point she's like, I'm I don't want to walk on eggshells. Her tension is building as well. The explosion, you explode. You say something, you do something that you're not supposed to do, and you find yourself in chaos. But if you really want to figure out why you're in chaos, you can go back to that conversation or to that action that started to build detention. And instead of communicating how you felt, you internalize it. Because maybe down or in your past, you try to express yourself to a woman and she used what you said in your vulnerable state against you. So you just make the assumption that all women are like that. So you stop being vulnerable. But if I can go back to all of the cycles that I put my ex through, I can pinpoint what I should have done differently to not create this chaos that is now living in your home. And again, you as a man, you can't blame your wife or kids because you are the head of the household. The house rises and falls on you. That's why it's important to go to therapy, to go to church, to have a relationship with God, a real one, to have friends you can talk to about what's going on in your life, how you're feeling, and they don't laugh or make fun. They ask questions, they try to help. You won't leave this earth trying to blame someone as to why you couldn't be a better man. That's a you thing. You have to look in the mirror and figure it out. So the hard truth is if nothing changes, your cycle is on, repeat. Not once, not twice, but over and over and over again. Because cycles don't break themselves. Men have to break the cycles. The cycle of emotional distance, not telling your your kids, your sons and your daughters that they love that you love them, the cycle of womanizing. And I was raised on the phrase that if the woman at your house or in your home won't do it, somebody else will. And sadly, that is a true statement. Because it's easy to point out what your wife isn't doing, creating space and finding someone that might do the one thing that she doesn't do, but then realizing that's the only thing that she can do. Breaking the cycle of gaslighting, trying to make someone feel crazy because of the actions that you have done, breaking the cycle of rage, punching holes in walls, throwing things, breaking things. As a man, you have to break the cycles. You have to know that this isn't normal, this isn't right, and find a way to fix yourself with other people because you can't fix yourself by yourself. You need God, you need your church, you need your church family, your pastor, you need good friends, you need a therapist. A lot of men make this excuse of they don't have time. But when I was co-facilitating that class, time is all they had to get their life back, to get their kids back, to not go to jail. So you make time to break the cycles that have been passed on to you. Because no one else is going to do it. And you don't want to pass on the cycle to your kids because you know how it makes you feel. You don't want your sons or daughters feeling the same way that you feel, or receiving the same treatment that you are doing towards their mom, why not make time to be the best man that you can possibly be? Yes, it requires money, but also emotional regulations, learning how to listen and communicate, learning how to express your feelings in a way that's not threatening or manipulating. So if you recognize the cycle in your own behavior or your relationships, the most powerful thing you can do is to acknowledge it. Awareness is the first step, but action is what creates change. Breaking generational cycles take courage. And I know you can do it because I'm doing it. It is possible. Your reflection questions for this week are one, have I seen this cycle in my own relationships? Two, which stage of the cycle do I recognize most? And the four stages are tension, explosion, apology, and then calm. Number three, what would real accountability look like for me? If this episode made you think differently about your relationships, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Because a lot of us struggle. And if we don't find an outlet that's going to help us, life will find us an outlet that will destroy. So, if anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You're awesome, you're amazing, you deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not quit, do not give up, because the world doesn't get easier, but you will get stronger. Have a blessed weekend.

Closing And Where To Follow

SPEAKER_01 16:54

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily motivational and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time.