What If The Real Strength Is Saying What You Feel

We name the quiet forms of emotional manipulation that many people excuse as normal relationship conflict and show how they function as control. We also lay out what healthy communication sounds like so we can rebuild trust and create a safer space at home. 
• emotional manipulation as indirect pressure rather than open communication 
• common tactics like guilt tripping and the silent treatment 
• gaslighting that shifts focus from behavior to “your perception” 
• emotional responsibility shifting and why each of us owns our reactions 
• how control breaks trust and creates confusion, anxiety, and resentment 
• healthy communication that invites connection instead of compliance 
• using I statements to reduce defensiveness and open real dialogue 
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. For daily, motivational, and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent.

Transcript

Welcome And The Show’s Mission

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

Defining Quiet Emotional Manipulation

Why Subtle Control Gets Normalized

Guilt Trips Silence And Gaslighting

Owning Your Reactions As A Man

Trust Damage And Relationship Safety

Healthy Communication And I Statements

SPEAKER_01 0:34

What's up, my beautiful people? Aaron Thomas with Excellence Above Talent. We're back, we're back, we're back. Uh week 15. We're talking about emotional manipulation. The control we sometimes don't call abuse because we feel like at least we're not physically being abusive or we're not screaming or calling names. So most people think manipulation is obvious. They think it's yelling, controlling, or being aggressive. But some of the most damaging manipulation is quiet. It sounds like guilt. It looks like silence. It feels like pressure. And because it's subtle, it gets normalized. So today we're going to be talking about emotional manipulation. The control people don't call abuse. So when people hear the word abuse, they usually think of something loud. They think of yelling, threats, physical violence. But there are a lot of unhealthy relationships that aren't loud. The quiet. And that's what makes them dangerous. Because you don't recognize it right away. So what emotional manipulation looks like and sounds like, because it's all about control. And instead of trying to force someone to do something, they'll say things like, After everything I've done for you, I guess I'll just stop talking then. You're overreacting. If you really cared, you would. Fine, do whatever you want. It's not direct control, it's indirect pressure. And it makes the other person feel responsible for your emotions. And the reason why it's hard to see is because it doesn't look aggressive. You feel emotion. You don't feel like someone's trying to control you. It's a off it's often a learned behavior. So maybe you went into the relationship not thinking and doing certain things. And now this person has trained you to react and feel a certain way by the words that they say. And a lot of times it just gets it gets passed off as normal relationship stuff. But just because something is common doesn't mean it's healthy. Because the goal of manipulation is to get what they want without taking responsibility for how they get it. So instead of using your words and learning how to communicate healthy, it becomes you. You're blaming someone else for how they make you feel so that they can get something from you. And a lot of times, men who try to emotionally manipulate their spouse, their girlfriends, they use guilt, pressure, confusion, and obligation. And over time it creates emotional exhaustion in the relationship. So going over some of the common forms of emotional manipulation, one is guilt tripping. So we as men try to make someone feel bad so they do what we want. Again, if you cared, you would. And that's not communication. You're trying to control someone through guilt. Two, the silent treatment. You shut down your communication as a punishment. You stop talking and you don't process what it is that she's trying to say. And when you stop talking to your spouse, it makes the other per person feel anxious or desperate. They really need you to say something. They're trying to see how you feel. And to me, it's like you're being a kid who doesn't get their way. And so you're throwing a temper tantrum through silence. And this is why I say a lot of men are old and they look like men, but they haven't grown up to be men. They're still little boys in a man's body trying to figure out life. Three is gaslighting. So you start to make someone question their reality. You start to have them question, did that really happen? Because men who gaslight will tell their spouse that that didn't happen when they know it did. They will say you're making it up. They will call you too sensitive. You're too emotional. You're nagging. Then the focus shifts from my behavior as a man to their perception. And perception is a very tricky thing because we can perceive something, and someone can say, Yeah, that's not true, or that's not right, or that didn't happen. And you start to question what you really saw. Four emotional responsibility shifting. And in this form, we as men try to make someone feel like your emotions are their fault. You made me act this way. You said this. You didn't do this. I wouldn't be upset if you didn't. And I'm gonna say this again, and it's something that I that I had to deal with today. You are responsible for your reaction. Just because your wife is mad doesn't mean you get mad too. Just because your wife is feeling some type of way doesn't mean that you stop your life and you change your feelings and behavior to match hers. She's feeling the way she's feeling. As a man, you should let her process what she's feeling. And it should not affect you because you are responsible for your reactions. And this is one that I really have to work on because if Yanni's mad, then I'm just mad. If Yanni's feeling some type of way, I'm feeling some type of way. And I don't get to figure out or understand or know why she's feeling that way, because now I'm feeling some type of way that doesn't create a level of communication that is needed to figure out why your spouse is frustrated or mad. And a lot of men fall into emotional manipulation because we aren't taught how to communicate our emotions in a healthy way. So if I'm hurt or insecure or fearful, these are expressions that I'm feeling. I try to control it indirectly. But because instead instead of like looking to figure out why I'm hurt or why I'm insecure or what I'm fearing at the time, it's easier to try to control someone and to make them feel that they made you feel this way than to open yourself up and be vulnerable about why you feel the way you feel. But one thing control will do in your relationship is destroy trust. Every time you talk, she doesn't know if you're saying something right or wrong. She doesn't know if you're projecting or you're trying to hide something. There's confusion when you have communication because she's been broken down to question everything that she knows about you and about situations that have come up, that she has a hard time trusting herself. And if your woman can't trust herself in her own body because of things that were said or done, and it's not it might not just be all you, but you are contributing to her not trusting herself, you have to look in the mirror and have that conversation with yourself about what you can do to rebuild that trust and to build her up so that she can start trusting herself again. So the damage that emotional manipulation causes is confusion, anxiety, emotional exhaustion, loss of self-confidence, and then resentment. And then over time, your spouse stops feeling safe in the relationship. And when your spouse, your woman stops feeling safe in a relationship, it opens up the door for someone else to come in and make her feel safe. Now, I am not saying that if your woman cheats on you, that it's your fault. What I'm saying is if you don't create a safe enough space for your woman, there is a potential that some man or something will come into her life and make her feel safe, and then that's what her mind, body, and spirit wants. So you have to be careful when you don't know how to be vulnerable and communicate because it causes issues that don't need to happen. So what does healthy communication looks like versus what manipulation looks like? Healthy communication sounds like this is bothering me. I need this. Can we talk about this? While manipulation sounds like, if you cared, you're always fine, whatever. One invites connection and the other forces compliance. And when me and Yanni were going through marriage counseling, there was these statements that you use to open up a line of communication where someone doesn't feel attacked. And they're called I statements. You might feel some type of way about something that's going on in your life or in the household, and you're wanting to have a conversation, but when you walk into the kitchen or to the bedroom or to the living room, you start the conversation off with you. A lot of times that person automatically gets defensive and they're in protection mode or they're in defending mode and they're trying to find ways to defend themselves versus listening to what it is that you have to say so that you can communicate about the issue. So instead of walking in the living room or kitchen or bedroom talking about you and then pointing your finger to your wife, start the conversation out with I feel this way because this action is happening. And you open up the door to a whole new way of communicating where you're heard and she's heard and no one is in a defensive state because you are conscious of making sure you're not pointing fingers or saying you. So if you have to use guilt, silence, pressure to get your way, that is not communication. That's mean that is manipulation. And if you don't address it, it will slowly destroy your relationship. So if you really want a healthy relationship, you have to be honest about how you communicate. Not just what you say, but how you make people feel. And I think people sleep on that. You can say a lot of things, but when you come into a room and I feel a certain type of way, there's not a whole lot of things you can say or do that's going to change how I feel. So if I walk into a room and my wife feels unsafe and I'm saying something, it's hard for her to be open to receive what's being said because there's a guard up trying to protect herself because she doesn't feel safe in the environment of having a conversation with you. Real strength isn't controlling someone emotionally, it's being mature enough to communicate directly, letting her know how you feel in any situation. So the reflection questions this week would be one, have you ever used guilt or silence to try to get your way? Two, do you make others feel responsible for your emotions? And three, what would it look like to communicate directly instead of indirectly? So this week, if you are using guilt and silence and gaslighting to get your way, catch yourself. Ask yourself why is it that I feel like I need to do this, catch yourself and ask yourself why I feel this way. What happened, what was said, what was done. Be honest about how you feel, and then find a way to communicate it to where you're not placing the blame on someone else and you're not starting off your conversation with you. So if anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You are awesome, you are amazing, you deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not quit, do not give up. The world does not get easier, but you will get stronger. You have a blessed weekend. Bye bye.

Reflection Questions And Closing Encouragement

SPEAKER_00 14:39

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily, motivational, and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time.