Doulas Don’t Replace Partners with Kristin Revere

 In this solo episode of Ask the Doulas, Kristin Revere addresses one of the most common misconceptions about doula care — that hiring a doula might replace the partner during birth or postpartum. Whether you’re a partner wondering how a doula fits in, or a parent curious about building your birth and postpartum team, this episode will give you a new perspective on teamwork, trust, and shared support

This episode is brought to you by Ceres Chill, a company that never stops working to make the lives of parents easier!    

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Transcript

In this solo episode of Ask the Doulas, Kristin Revere addresses one of the most common misconceptions about doula care — that hiring a doula might replace the partner during birth or postpartum.  Whether you’re a partner wondering how a doula fits in or a parent curious about building your birth and postpartum team, this episode will give you a new perspective on teamwork, trust, and shared support.

Hello, hello!  This is Kristin Revere, and I’ve got a special solo episode all about doulas and partners. 

This episode is brough to you by Ceres Chill, a company that never stops working to make the lives of parents easier.  Whether you’re looking for a game changing breastmilk chiller, color-changing nipple shields, or 100% nontoxic glass bottles, this company has everything you need and want.  Now let’s get back into our topic! 

Today, I want to discuss one of the biggest misconceptions I hear about hiring a doula, and that’s the idea that a doula might replace a husband or partner during the birth or in the postnatal recovery phase.  I get this question often when I’m speaking at events, when I’m guesting on other podcasts, when a potential client calls me, and especially when I have partners in the room in the childbirth classes that I teach.  They’re able to give me their thoughts on a doula, and sometimes I hear that a doula is just another person in the space.  They don’t want to feel replaced.  They feel like they have the ability to support physically, to help make decisions. 

But a doula will never replace your partner.  We know that that role is important.  We just want to make the partner look good, whether it’s with newborn care, feeding support, during the labor.  Our role is to support the entire family, so it’s not just our client, but in the postnatal phase, we’re supporting siblings, the newborn, the partner, or father.  So our job is to help everyone feel calm, to feel confident, and most importantly, to feel supported.  

I find that dads and partners are often our biggest fans after the birth or after we have supported a family with day or overnight newborn care, that they didn’t know how much they needed a doula.  It’s great to get phone calls from prospective clients where the dad has shared with colleagues about how amazing their birth doula or their overnight postpartum doula was.  So when dads are talking, I know we’ve done a really good job at Gold Coast Doulas. 

And we can work as a team with partners.  We work as a team with your nurse and your provider, whether you have a midwife or an OB during labor, and we’re part of that dream birth team as well.  So we can work together with a partner on help with positioning, showing the partner how to do hip squeezes, counter pressure, labor massage.  And if the partner wants to be more of that emotional handholding support, then we can step back and certainly we support whatever decision a couple makes in their birth or their parenting or feeding journey.  We can give them evidence-based information.  We understand hospital policies and procedures.  We know all of the available resources, like therapists to call or certainly the different options for other classes.  So whether it’s infant massage or baby sign classes, we’re there to make life as stress-free as possible during this big rite of passage. 

And we can show partners how to swaddle their baby tightly so baby sleeps, or some tricks on diaper changing, or sleep optimization tricks for the nursery.  So again, the partner looks like the super hero that they are.  Sometimes dads can feel intimidated in a hospital setting if the birth takes place there, so we can show them all of the different tools that we know.  There are hot packs that we can request from the nurse, or getting a birthing ball or peanut ball or utilizing the tub or shower if that’s something that our client is interested in.  It’s all about balance, and we know when to step in and when to step back. 

Our role is not to take over for the partner.  It’s to enhance the connection and keep that connection flowing both emotionally and physically with a couple because that can speed up labor when a couple is emotionally connected.  The oxytocin flows.  

Partners have that fear of being replaced.  I know my husband did when I wanted to hire doulas for our second pregnancy and birth.  He felt like he worked really hard with our daughter’s birth and did a lot to prepare with childbirth classes and breastfeeding classes and didn't want to feel replaced.  But he was the biggest advocate for doulas after our second birth and before I actually became a doula.  So again, we’re not looking to take the shine away from the partner.  I can whisper in a partner’s ear, like, “Hey, why don’t you try this technique for getting baby to engage more in the pelvis,” and we’ll try some spinning babies or some rebozo work, for example.  We can remind the partner to encourage their wife to breathe and to slow down the breathing and even breathe together during labor.  If they took a childbirth class together, we can remind them of some of the relaxation techniques that they use and that resonated with them in the prenatal visits that we had.  And certainly in the postnatal phase, we can help with newborn care, talk about how it’s important to connect, and even have dates in the home.  Some time set aside when there’s a postpartum doula there when a couple can have dinner together and know that their baby is being taken care of. 

So as I mentioned with not only the birth doula fear of replacement, but fear of a postpartum doula taking over the parenting role.  Our doulas are there to nurture the entire family so that they can rest, they can recover, they can bond with the baby or babies if it’s twins or triplets.  And sometimes the partner needs to nap or shower or is going back to work soon after and needs to be at peak performance.  We’ll often do overnight newborn care when partners return from their leave.  And we can also take care of some of those household tasks so the parents can then focus on each other and on bonding with baby, as well as focusing on other siblings.  Sometimes it might be important for a couple to focus on their toddler, and a postpartum doula can hold the baby or get baby to sleep.  But parents can certainly can feel more confident in that early parenting role when doulas are there to show them how to prepare a bottle, how to sanitize properly, how to restock the nursery and the diaper changing area so their partner feels less stressed during that recovery phase.  

I also just love that feeding support that birth doulas help with, and postpartum doula.  So whether the family is choosing to pump, formula feed, or breastfeed, or a combination of all of it, we know what gadgets work.  We know some of the best bottles.  We can give tips about colic or reflux or different feeding issues.  And we also know referrals if it’s time to seek out a lactation consultant if it’s beyond our training as a birth or a postpartum doula.  Again, we want our families to be confident.  We want them to be rested and supported.  

So in closing, next time you or your partner wonders if a doula might replace you or your role, you’re not hiring a doula instead of your partner.  You’re hiring a doula for the both of you and for your entire family.  And we make an amazing team together, ensuring that you’re supported, that your partner feels involved and not replaced, and whole family thrives in this new chapter in life, whether it’s baby one or baby five. 

And if you would like to learn more about how birth or postpartum doulas can support your family, visit our website.  If you are outside of the Michigan area, you can look at different doula options on sites like Doula Match or search Doula Near Me.  You are certainly welcome to reach out with questions about the role of a doula.  We are non-medical, so again, we’re not replacing the care team that you have in the hospital or your pediatrician and the advice that is given to you. 

So take good care, and we’ll talk next week! 

IMPORTANT LINKS

Birth and postpartum support from Gold Coast Doulas

Becoming A Mother course

Buy our book, Supported

Ceres Chill