Mothers of Black Sons Series: Mallorie

Episode Summary:
This is the fourth episode in a five-part series talking to Mothers of Black Sons. In this episode, we talk to Mallorie whose eight-year-old son has already faced discrimination from other children. She also shares the ways in which having a son has changed her and helped her to grow and mature.

Transcript

Richard Dodds  0:00  
Coming up later in the episode 

Mallorie  0:01  
How do you teach your children things that you're still working on it were to do that you have to grow like you have to be intentional. And so I don't think mentally my mindset, anything like I don't think I would be the same person at all, who I am today because I had to be so that he can be he was watching me how I responded to situations how I handled negative situations that came up how I handled my victories, he was watching everything.

Richard Dodds  0:34  
This is still talking black show about different perspectives, issues that minorities face every day. I'm your host, Richard. Today's episode is part four of the five part series, mothers of blacks. Today, we talked to Mallory, her son is eight years old and has already experienced some discrimination by other kids is sad to think about some of the things that our kids have to go through as minorities. So many of these mothers have talked about wanting to preserve their kids light and their joyfulness in a way that they see the world. But a lot of times, us as black people, we have to let our kids know, at a very young age, how to protect themselves from the rest of the world. Just because we see the world as beautiful doesn't mean that the rest of the world to see us as the same. If you listen to other episodes, you will know that there are things that each of these mothers have experienced in different forms, but the same thing. And I'm thankful for each of the mothers who I got to talk to them sharing their stories and their insights and their perspectives. I know that I've gained a lot of insight, and I hope you have as well. later on this week, the final episode of the series will be coming out, let me know how you like the series so far, I would like to thank all the mothers who participated in this series. And of course, all of you who've listened along. If you'd like what we're doing here, still talking black, the best way to show your support by liking, rating and sharing our content, buying merch from our store and still talking blog.com forward slash shop, or donating using the link in the show description. Every little bit helps. Thank you for your continuing support.

Mallorie  2:18  
Hi, my name is Mallory and I have an eight year old son.

Richard Dodds  2:22  
How did you feel when you find out that you're having a boy,

Mallorie  2:25  
I was nervous. Either way, whether it was going to be a boy or a girl. But especially because I was on single parents situation I was extremely nervous seeing as though you know, I would need the assistance of a meal to help me bring up bring my son in the in the proper way. So I definitely was nervous. Just I was still figuring out myself at that time, too. And so I was extremely nervous being like, I'm still trying to get myself together, how am I going to raise this person to be the person that he needs to be, but it worked out my son is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He's allowed me to grow up in a lot of ways. And it really propelled my my growth and my maturity because I needed to be a certain type of person for him in order for him to be the person that he needs to be.

Richard Dodds  3:17  
That's awesome. So what is it like being a mother of a son?

Mallorie  3:23  
Well, especially, you know, the climate and everything going on, of course, it's not new. It's just being televised or broadcast, especially now, it is scary. Because my son has two brothers, I remember talking to one of their moms and she had gotten pulled over, I think a tail light or something was out. And his brother was in the backseat. And so he got up and turned around to look out of the back window. And she screamed like no, you know, and she called me to tell me about it cuz she said she was so scared that they would, you know, shoot her baby saying, Hey, I didn't know it was a kid. It looked like he had something in his hand or whatever the case was. And it really, really freaked her out. So for us to have that conversation it it was like a wow moment for me that even though our kids, they're just babies really, you know, even they're though they're so young, we still have those fears. And we still have to think about those things and have conversations with them about the police and I remember growing up and you know, it was like a police officers were like, cool when I was younger, you know, like, oh, wow, older police officer, you know, almost like a profession to look up to and that's not that's not the case anymore. With the technology and everything that that's that's out. I don't think people realize the amount of pressure that goes into raising little black boys and the things that we have to educate them on at such young ages. I think that is sad actually.

Richard Dodds  4:56  
Yeah, further. I always feel like there is The way that we carry as black people period, and just leaving the house is just something extra that we have to carry. So how would you explain the connection between you and your son, we're very,

Mallorie  5:11  
very close, I try to create the environment that he is feels comfortable making mistakes around me feels comfortable talking to me, and definitely, you know, support for him. What I didn't realize at such a young age is that he will go through like racial discrimination and things like that, we stay in a pretty diverse neighborhood, or white neighbors or black neighbors Mexican. And I remember the first time I saw him coming home because he was outside playing with kids. I think the first me two years ago, he came home and he said that he was playing with the case he usually plays with in in some, I guess some new kids came around or so different kids off the block. And they told him Oh, my mom doesn't let us play with kids like you. And so I think my first reaction was like, Well, who said it and yada, yada, yada. But then I got to thinking, I'm like, at the end of the day, I'm not going to change their mind, this is something that they have ingrained in their kids. And it happened multiple times where he will come in and say, like, they're not allowed to play with me. Or they said, my type, what do they mean by that? My type, my kind of person like me. So I think that that was definitely big. Whereas a mom, I still have to comfort him and support him, but also, in comprehend the support be real and honest. And it can be hard to divulge such honesty at such a young age. No, not always understand exactly what's going on, but to kind of share those things with them. Because you know, they're innocent. So they don't realize kind of the negativity that goes on in the world. And it's, it can be a sad thing, to have to be the one to burst that bubble. You know, like, everything isn't always roses and fairy tales, like, this is what it is. So just having conversations with him even at such a young age, again, is very, very sad to have to do. And I know, maybe white parents, it's up, they don't think about those things. They don't go through those things, or have to have their kids come home and say, Oh, well, they say they can't play with me because of who I am or anything like that. That's not something that even crosses their mind. And it definitely wasn't something that crossed my mind at all to feel like something like that what happened? And again, he just turned eight years old. So six, seven years old. I'm like, What are you serious?

Richard Dodds  7:59  
As such a young age. I still remember when my mom sat me down and had a conversation with me, because that was kind of like the thing that that burst in my bubble. She looked at me and she said, she calls me Ricky, she said, Ricky, it's gonna be people who are not gonna like you just because of the color of your skin. And I remember as a kid, that's such a sobering thing. Because when you're that age, the world is just all roses and rainbows and everything is beautiful, and everything is awesome. And then you have your mom who comes to make sure that you are protected and you know, the lessons that you need to know what to do to survive in this world. And kind of burst you get to see you have to watch your kids bubble be burst and have to start to see reality a little bit differently than they normally would have. And have to give that lesson but that's an important lesson to give your child so that they are protected and that they understand the world and that they understand us not don't something you know, it's just that's tough. That's a tough job as a as a mother as a parent. I can't imagine

Mallorie  9:12  
I just remember experiencing like racists having racist encounters when I was very young, but it was always from adults. It wasn't I don't I can't recall anything ever coming from a child. But of course the adults that think like this raise kids, but yeah, me growing up. I always encountered things with adults where I was treated a lot differently. And so this was even different for me because I again, I had never experienced anything like this coming from children. So that was like, the whole thing was just like it was eye opening. I know for him like you saying bursting bubbles, but my bubble was burst.

Richard Dodds  9:57  
So thinking about being a Boy Mom, just in general, not necessarily some of those harder lessons. But what are some lessons that you've taught or planning teachers on?

Mallorie  10:09  
Well, one of the main things I teach him is, and I know when I shared this with somebody, they thought I was crazy until I explained it. But I always tell him that I'm his number two fan. And my parents are like, I'm your number one fan. No, I am Number two, I think I want my main thing is I want to instill confidence in him at an early age, because confidence is so important for any and everything that you do, you can talk yourself out of something, or you can go for it. I never and you know, I think all kids do it, they look to their parents for reassurance, but I want him to be confident in himself and his abilities. And I want him to always be his number one fan, I'm there to support you and what you do, but I need you to have the confidence in the beginning. So one of the main things that we talk about on a daily basis, like if he is unsure about something, I'm like, well, who's your number one fan, and he's like me, like, right, I'm number two, I'm always have your back. But I need you to be your number one support system, because I think a lot of times, us as parents just in general, we want the best for our kids, of course. But we don't always, we try our best. We don't always make the best decisions. I've heard so many stories about parents that didn't believe in their child for what they wanted to do as far as what their dream was. And it's not out of I don't think you can do it, is it sometimes I think it's more of a fear thing. Like, I don't want that to mess up for you, that is gonna be really hard. I don't know, if you know, I don't want you to go through all that pressure, maybe you should take this career path. Or maybe you should do this with your life or whatever. And, and so far situations where people won't chase their dreams because of their parents beliefs. And I never want that to be the case, although I'm going to tell you what I think is best, I still want him to maneuver through life with full confidence in him to be able to go out and step out and achieve the things that he wants to not based on me and what I think or what we're what my limiting beliefs are for him, because I'm trying to protect him. I want him to go out and chase his dreams and do what needs to be done. Because he has full confidence in himself. So I think that that will be like the number one lesson for me. And what I teach him and what I instill in him will be the confidence, and definitely even teaching him at a young age how to pray. He recently was baptized on New Years on New Year's Eve. And that was something that he had been asking me to do. It wasn't something like, oh, you know, you're this age, just time to get baptized like, No, we requested he annex me. And we talked about, you know, what that truly means, what it's about and everything. And he said that that's something he wanted to do. So upon his request, he was baptized. And so, you know, even when things go wrong, if something is not going his way, if he's not feeling well, okay, we pray to bodies like my I want you to pray, pray for me. But then I'm like, well, sometimes mommy isn't there. So I need you to know how to pray for yourself. So, you know, I'll pray with him before him. But I also am at a point where he's leaving prayers too, because that's the one of the main foundations that my mind put in me that has carried me to now and in the future. So

Richard Dodds  13:37  
I think that like this, like wonderful, I've never heard anybody say, I'm your number two fan. I think a lot of times we handicap kids by trying to influence them in a certain way and not letting them grow into the person that they're trying to be. And one thing I talked about was my dad, he actually I believed anything he said, You know, so if he said I could do it, I felt like I could do it. But at the same time, if he should show any disbelief, then I doubted myself. And it's so hard to have that confidence. The world already wants to snatch your confidence away from you. So I felt like teaching someone teaching a young man especially to be confident in themselves at a young age and so is very, very important.

Mallorie  14:26  
Yeah. And if my expectation is for him to grow up and lead his household, he has to be competent in his decisions that he makes, because, um, I see him looking for me looking at me for validation, like, Oh, I'm gonna do this. What do you think about this as this? Like, I'll give you my opinion all day. But what do you want? How do you think it's going to come out? What are your thoughts on it? I want to raise a dieter and a problem solver. We I'm like, he's like this didn't work. Okay. You're a problem solver. What? How are you gonna work? do this, let's let's talk through it. You have to be able to problem solve and work through things, even if they don't go your way might not go the way you want it the first time, how can we problem solve? So it doesn't happen again. And then one thing that I definitely tried to make sure that I'm not there was just my mom, I think it was a generation where, you know, whatever I say goes, you don't have to say, you, but I try to make sure that I'm, we communicate a lot. So I talked to him about, you know, what's going on? How are you feeling about this, why we sit down a half hour long conversation sometime, just so I can kind of see where his head is with certain things. And I think that's important. I think it's important for us as parents to be able to apologize when we're wrong, own up to when we're wrong, because I think that teaches them to. So again, we don't all what we do all week is best, but we don't always handle things in the correct way. So I think it's big when you can go to your child and say, Hey, I shouldn't have done that. I apologize. This is how I should have handled it. So I think that that's very important to as parents, when we can acknowledge our own wrongs and faults, because it makes it easier when they have to do it themselves.

Richard Dodds  16:19  
No, those are, those are important lessons. So you had a primary caregiver of your son. How do you make sure that he was getting the male influence are good male influence that he might need to help you right?

Mallorie  16:33  
Now is that still involved? Anybody. He just somewhere living his life, but he is involved. So you know, the times that he can spend his day because he works a lot. So the time that he can spend with his dad, I make sure that he has that time taken whatever. Now I'll say this, I have inconvenienced myself a lot. Because of what I what I know, it would mean my son. So quick example. Let's say his day, I can't come get him. But he's still like, he can come over. Now I have to get up, get out of my bed. You know, like, because if I don't take him, then it looks like Well, Mom wouldn't take me. So I don't want him to recent me. So sometimes I have to put myself in uncomfortable situations, and be inconvenienced for the sake of that relationship or, because I know that that that time is critical that time is important. And I also try to put make sure that I'm around positive meal influences. So like my brother in law, my pastor, making sure he is around those people. And they spend time with him like my brother in law, they'll have this my first I would call him my brother in law, that's my brother. But, you know, they'll have days with the fellows. I have close friends too, that I've known since middle school. And if I remember one of my friends, shout out to Tony with gardens catering. But he's picked my son up before and they've had like the fellas night where him and his male friends or cousins or whatever, we'll all take their sons and then he'll he'll pick up my son and they'll go see monster trucks or they'll do different little stuff like that, where it's just the guys. And I think that you know, that's important. I also just reached out to my family and said, Hey, I need you around more males. What are y'all doing next week, I need somebody on duty. Somebody's got to be on here once a month. Something he needs to be around. He needs to be around me. They don't need to be under me all the time Sammy do a makeup and Sammy do this. And he's like, Well, girls get to do everything. Because, of course, if he's asking who cannot do this, or can I? And I'm like, Well, no, you know, boy, boys don't do that. And so on his head. He's like, Well, dang, what do boys but he has to be around boys and men to see what what that is because I can't I can't bring to the table what a man brings to the table.

Richard Dodds  19:12  
So since you've had your son, have the tragedies that have been perpetrated towards black men do that, does that hit any differently now that you have a son?

Mallorie  19:23  
Absolutely. The connection is made more, you know, you can look at something and be like, Oh man, that's messed up. That's sad, versus watching something and being able to picture like, oh my gosh, what if that was my baby, you know, so it definitely hits harder. Sometimes I don't want to but I'll have him sit and watch the news and watch what's going on. And kind of explain some of the stuff that's going on. We even watched what is it Kaepernick in black and white on Netflix. Now, I will say that was the longest Netflix show I ever watched only because I had to keep a clip wasn't it and kind of explaining, okay, this is what's going on. This is why this is this and that and let him ask questions. And I'm like, okay, play those so long, but it was very, very good. And just trying to, I guess, use all of this stuff that's going on in the news and around the world use it as like teak moments for him. I don't want to scare him by any means. So I think it's important that we pick and choose what we share, because they are so young, and impressionable. But just making him aware of what's going on, and then having to say, Okay, well, this is what you should do. If you're ever put in this type of situation, don't be outside with these water guns playing around in the front, you won't use it go in the backyard. And I mean, I'm not letting them spray paint up in black or anything like that. But you never know. And I'm like, I feel more comfortable with you playing backyard versus playing in the front yard, you know, so just trying to use them as teachable moments. But absolutely, it hits harder, because you never want that to be your story. And then you try to think about how could this have been avoided. And then you think about being in the mother shoes, and realizing that there's nothing that she could have done to prevent it. And that's a hard pill to swallow as a parent, because we want to protect our babies. So if you're, if you if you say My job was to protect you, and then you turn around and tell me there's no way that I can protect you. Where does that leave me as a parent, helpless, and nobody wants to feel like that. So it definitely is tough to watch tough to. And I've even watch because again, it's it's always been this way, but just tough to have to bear as a person, because it's on top of life that's going on, you know, life isn't stopping so that we can process and go through the racial and justices like know, it, life is still going on. And we still have to manage and maneuver through the things that we have going on every day. And then process and maneuver through racial injustice and discrimination. And people saying, well, I don't want my kids playing with your kids. Or just I mean, it's so deeply rooted is isn't in everything. It sucks. And that's why I feel like prayer is just so important. And talking to your kids. I think that that communication is really important, too. So I mean, it's, it's tough, because again, how can you prevent it, because of certain people's mindsets? It's like you want to teach them hey, this is how you respond. If you ever get pulled over for the officer approaches you are such as such as such happen, you know, you have those conversations, and you just hope that whatever technique that you have instilled in your kid is going to be the one that saves their life.

Richard Dodds  23:07  
What is the biggest joy of being a mom,

Mallorie  23:10  
the biggest joy of being a mom, I would just say is literally watching him grow and develop throughout the years and no one like it's almost like a little pat on the back. Oh, shoot, it has something to do with that. No. No, it's really watching him grow and develop and become his own person. I think it's it's definitely a beautiful thing to experience and watch because they go from not knowing how to do anything, walk, talk, eat, can't do anything. I know, little animals come out a little wobbly legs know how to walk better, you know. But we don't know nothing when we come out. And so to just see each years transition, to see the development to see the growth to see them handle situations in the correct manner that is really like, wow, somebody Sometimes I just sit back and watch him maneuver through the day, go about his day. And I'm just like, wow, you know, as much as they can get on our nerves. As much as they can stress us out in a matter of minutes. It's like, it's worth it. And then that's why people have more kids because like you just said this one was stressing you out when it's like but it's all worth it. It's all worth it. You know, just like being in business or being an entrepreneur or even advancing in your career. You go through the tough seasons, or like the potty training seasons of your business. But then when you know you finally reach that goal, you're like it's all worth it. I would you know I would do it again. Let me start another business or now let me set a new goal in business because I reached this one. So it's just a beautiful thing to watch and experience. And I will also say, another thing that I have enjoyed too is the growth that it has developed in myself. I think I said earlier on, like he made me grow up. I was at a point where I was still find myself and I think everybody is this a continuous journey. And that is never ending. But I think I definitely was at the point where I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing with myself, how am I going to raise somebody else? What they need to be. And I remember having a conversation with one of my friends. And it was like, how do you teach your children things that you're still working on? And it was like, dang. So in order to do that, you have to grow like you have to be intentional. And so I don't think mentally my mindset, anything like I don't think I would be the same person at all, who I am today because I had to be so that he can be he was watching me how I responded to situations how I handled negative situations that came up how I handled my victories. He was watching everything, it will be something as small as I can't find something in the house. I'm like, No, so now he's looking for a crayon. He's like, you know, like, so. So I'm just like, dang, I gotta do better. And so I thank him for me being who I am, because it would have been such a slow moving process. Had he not like propelled the maturity and growth that I have experienced since he's been here.

Richard Dodds  26:36  
That's beautiful. That's really beautiful. Well, thank you, Mallory. Appreciate you coming on.

Mallorie  26:42  
Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Richard Dodds  26:45  
So that's all I have for this episode. Make sure you check back later this week for the final episode in the series. So again, I want to say thank you everyone for listening. Still talking Black has a crown culture media LLC production is produced by me, Richard dyes, and our theme music was created by the DJ blue. Please make sure to rate and subscribe to the show your favorite podcasting app. You can follow us on Instagram at still talking black and you can follow me on social media at dices on the nasty Oh DDS is m but until next time, keep talking

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