Wake Up

Breaking Free: The Spiritual Guide to Ending Relationships with Grace and Dignity

• Douglas James Cottrell PhD • Season 1 • Episode 74

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Dr. Douglas tackles one of life's most challenging questions—when is it time to end a relationship? Drawing from seven decades of life experience and spiritual wisdom, he offers a compassionate roadmap for those struggling with this difficult decision.

At the heart of his advice is a powerful metaphor explaining why breakups hurt so much. Emotional attachments form like "hooks" or "claws" that grip our hearts, causing physical pain when they're pulled apart. This visceral imagery helps listeners understand their own experiences and validates the grief that accompanies even necessary separations.

For those wondering if their relationship has run its course, Dr. Douglas presents a practical three-month test: become the best partner possible for three months, giving your full effort to the relationship. If you see improvement, continue for another month. If nothing changes despite your sincere efforts, he suggests creating a "wall of indifference"—not hatred, but a conscious emotional detachment that signals the relationship has ended.

Beyond the emotional aspects, Dr. Douglas provides thoughtful guidance on the practical sides of separation. He advises maintaining separate financial accounts even in committed relationships, approaching divorce as amicably as possible, and considering the wellbeing of children when timing a separation. Throughout these recommendations runs a thread of spiritual wisdom: avoid letting love transform into its opposite, hatred, which only creates more suffering.

Perhaps most reassuring is his perspective that ending a relationship isn't failure, but often a sign of personal growth—you've simply outgrown this particular connection, and someone better aligned with who you've become awaits in your future. This reframing helps transform the narrative around breakups from loss to necessary evolution.

Join us for this deeply insightful conversation that will help you navigate relationship crossroads with grace, dignity, and spiritual awareness. Whether you're contemplating ending a relationship or supporting someone who is, this episode offers valuable wisdom for approaching these transitions with integrity.

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Announcer:

Welcome to Wake Up with Dr Douglas James Cottrell, your source for helpful information, advice and tips to live your life in a mindful way in this increasingly chaotic world. For over four decades, dr Douglas has been teaching people how to develop their intuition and live their lives in a conscious way. His news and views of the world tomorrow, today, are always informative and revealing. To learn more about Dr Douglas, be sure to visit his website, douglasjamescottrell. com, where you can download self-help exercises you can do right in the comfort of your own home. And now here's your host, Dr Douglas James Cottrell.

Douglas James Cottrell:

You're in the wake up. I'm your host, Douglas James Cottrell, and my good friend and co-host, Les Hubert, is here, and we're here to help you wake up and make those spiritual strides to better well-being, a prosperous life, a happier life and one that you can be proud to live. We are grateful for our lives. We're grateful for you coming here to the wake up podcast. Tell all your friends and neighbors about it. Again, it's Douglas Cottrell and, yes, Les Hubert. What's on the menu tonight, my friend?

Les Hubert:

Well, Doug. Uh, people want to know when is it time to call it quits with relationships. I have a good friend of mine who is involved romantically with this young man and it's not going well, but yet she just can't seem to be able to cut that ribbon, cut the tie, and she's having trouble. And she wants to know and not just her, but many people I've been coming across. They are having trouble with you know, with this issue when to call it quits. Can you do it in a spiritual sense? How can they handle this? Because there's some reason they're having trouble with it. They don't know why.

Douglas James Cottrell:

Well, the one thing about physical life is it's all about how we get along with each other. So, in essence, we don't want to say that this is the purpose of life, but this certainly is how we grow as human beings. We don't like rejection. We are. When we're younger, we're wearing our heart on our cuff. We're like children. We're innocent and we don't understand that we can love somebody so much and that they don't love us back. We just don't piece that together until we're into our teenage years or maybe even older.

Douglas James Cottrell:

If you've never had that first romantic bruise, it's a wake-up call, that's for sure. And so what we're about to say tonight, based on my 70-odd years of life, some of the experiences I've gone through and some of the things I've learned, putting a spiritual bent on it so that we can understand what is the right thing to do, what is the right thing not to do. So we come to the situation where somebody in a relationship realizes this isn't going anywhere. I don't feel that magic anymore. I'm not aroused. A person matter of fact sometimes offends me. I don't feel enthusiastic towards each other.

Les Hubert:

We're just the magic's gone yeah, that's exactly what they say each other.

Douglas James Cottrell:

We're just the magic's gone. Yeah, that's exactly what they say. It's because when people fall in love think of it this way it's like you have these two, uh, big grippers and they're right around your heart, your chest. You know the most important part of your body is in your chest. You know all the major organs are there, and so when you get close to people and you embrace somebody, you love them, you make love to them. Those two grippers reach out and they dig the fingers, the claws into the other person and they do the same to you. So you have this binary where two people are hooked up. The reason I say it's like fingers or claws is because that's what this emotional attachment feels like when it's coming undone. People, as we all talk in cliches, you'll hear sometimes people say he or she's really got their hooks into him or her. Hmm, Right.

Douglas James Cottrell:

Yeah, interesting comment, don't you think you know? And the point being is that we always kind of describe things. You know, we do the right thing but for the wrong reason. We describe things when we we do the right thing but for the wrong reason. We describe things, um, when just that are there are more accurate than just. So, leading up to this conversation of in the wake up that people have a relationship and all of a sudden, for whatever reason, one person is not feeling the same as the other, some people don't have the courage to let go to face the truth.

Douglas James Cottrell:

And so they live enduringly and in such a long time that they will go along with the person that they no longer love because they don't want to hurt the person's feelings or some other reason, and they are wasting their life, so to speak, because they could be in love with somebody else. We're talking now when people start off when they're younger and as time goes on, they begin to build resentments towards the other person. Because they should be free, they shouldn't be putting up with this other person. You know, the other person doesn't seem to be appreciative, matter of fact, the other person. Because they should be free, they shouldn't be putting up with this other person. You know, the other person doesn't seem to be appreciative. Matter of fact, the other person seems oblivious to this person's sacrifice of trying to keep this relationship going. And what happens?

Douglas James Cottrell:

sarcasm, bitterness, toxic relationship develops, yeah so the one person who's not loving starts teaching the other person resentment and how to be unloving and the relationship sooner or later dissolves, Sooner or later, more likely than later than sooner. So that's one thing to bear in mind when you're ascertaining what to do when a relationship From another perspective perspective, when two people don't like each other they kind of maybe have assets, you know, like a house or a car or money in the bank. Well, good planning is better. When you get into a relationship you should have four accounts.

Douglas James Cottrell:

You know one account for paying bills that you both put money in, one account that you both put savings in, like you know for trips and med money account and then you each have your own personal account and so when you do that, one might make a lot more money than the other, and so when you do that, one might make a lot more money than the other. That's okay. You're still paying your fair share of the bills the rent, the mortgage, whatever.

Douglas James Cottrell:

And you bring some money together that when you get $10,000, the two of you can go and have a wonderful vacation and blow the money, because that's your mad money account. Nobody is out of it, and if things go south, it's just kind of well. Okay, you've got your money, they've got their money, and if you're sharing a vehicle or a house, well, you sell it and split it down the middle. It's a business relationship that you're getting involved in as well as a romantic one, and all of the world's great religions who arrange marriages and things like that.

Douglas James Cottrell:

This is two families marrying each other through the couple that are getting married, and so business is taken care of. If you're a student of relationships and you look back, this is how it's been done almost forever, where the two families get together and they got two young people and they hook them up and the family now has a contract between each other, and so the families are doing business with each other. Now the couple might not love each other, but that's the way it's done. I'm not going to say whether I agree or disagree, but when that usually comes to a time when they're absolutely the two can't stand each other, they can't divorce the family step in, they say okay, well, okay, the families are going different way and they divide up the assets and everybody goes their separate way.

Douglas James Cottrell:

As simplistic as that sounds, that's how it is, provided people don't start getting emotional and addictive and nasty. And that's the most important thing. Yes, in a single relationship, uh, whether you're common law, whether you're going steady or whether you're married, do not let love be expressed in its opposite, which is hate, oh, okay so that's what you want to avoid.

Douglas James Cottrell:

That's the big no-no. Anywhere in the middle where you can look at this as a business relationship. The more you can do that, the better. Now, moving back to the question you started out with when somebody is in a situation and they know it's not going anywhere and let's say there's people dating, they're going, going steady, they have their own residences, they're they're not anybody hooked up legally, like, that's to say, with a marriage or a contractor. They were done. How do you let go well to understand that this is not you letting somebody else down. This is how it is. You have outgrown that person, right, or that person is outgrowing you. And the most important thing to remember is this is not the end of your life. There is somebody else out there who is better, more in tune with and more perfectly balanced to you than this person that is no longer attracted or bound to you the same for that.

Douglas James Cottrell:

So, intellectually, looking at this, we could say, okay, we're outgrowing each other. Uh, I like doing these things and you like doing those things, and you know, like the magic's gone, so like doing those things and you know, like the magic's gone, so okay, let's uh get one lawyer to do all the legal stuff and we'll part ways. If he, after his legal stuff, or you, sit down and say, well, okay, this, we both agree, this is uh not working out. Okay. When it doesn't uh work out and one party doesn't want to leave the other, one is co-existent on the other, when there is somebody saying, I'm going to kill myself if you leave me, this is when we start to get into what is the right thing. Okay. So my mentor explained it to me. I kind of disagreed, I kind of thought about it and I had some agreement and my life had come to this conclusion.

Douglas James Cottrell:

It's very, very difficult Relationships always are, and maintaining them for the rest of your life. They have to change, they have to grow, they have to evolve and you have to be interested in each other and you have to put a lot of work in to make it work. But in the beginning, as soon as you realize this is the wrong person. Then you say to yourself okay, I'm going to take the responsibility and I'm going to stop this relationship. And you go to the person and you say it's not easy. I just don't love you anymore. There's there's nothing I can do. Um, there's nothing you can do. I just I don't want to be with you anymore. And one person feels terrible and the other person walks away, maybe feeling guilty, but the claws are out. The release is there because I people too, who feel like they've lost their power, the other person has complete power over them.

Douglas James Cottrell:

The other person tells them what to do and they do it. They embarrass themselves in front of their friends. They're constantly on the phone, calling the person, checking in. They're thinking and rethinking and rethinking when they go to text somebody, because they don't want to send the wrong text and get the other person screaming, yeah, yeah that's not a relationship, that's slavery.

Douglas James Cottrell:

As soon as you come to that understanding that your will is gone, those hooks are in you and it hurts. Okay, there's no remedy. Uh, I mean, there are sayings. You know, somebody told me in Spain the way to get over one man is to get under another. I've heard that it's sense.

Douglas James Cottrell:

So if you're getting out of one relationship, then get into another one right away, and that kind of replaces the pain, okay, and that kind of replaces the pain, okay. And um, I guess where I was going to go with this is to say that when people come together and they, they realize that this is not going on, you know any which way, then the one person taking a responsibility to break it up is taking that spiritual path. But here's the solution and here's something to do to make sure that you know that what you're doing, if you do that is the right thing, we'll be right back.

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Seriously In this day and age. Ready Mm-hmm. 519-471-1110. Call from anywhere in the country If you need more info. I found his website too it's douglasjamescotrellstorecom.

Les Hubert:

And we're back with Dr Douglas Doug. I have a couple of friends of mine. They were childhood sweethearts, they were together for a long time and the wife is not happy and the husband is in total denial and she doesn't want to hurt this man. But she said you know, she told me. She said I have one foot out the door and even though we've done counseling and everything, he just doesn't want to end it. And she said I'm almost tempted to cheat on this man and I asked her not to do that because God forbid. I mean, the marriage is you know, it's a covenant with the almighty. And she said I don't know how to do this. She said he's just not cooperating. How do I do this the right way? And she is trying very hard, but he's in total denial over the whole thing. He just thinks everything's hunky dory and he's been through one divorce previously. He doesn't want to go through another one. What do you tell?

Douglas James Cottrell:

people. Uh, before the break, here's the solution. When you're in that situation and you know, you in your mind, know that this is not going to happen Two things One, you look at the situation and say what can I do? Okay, what can I do? And here is the test For three months you become the best husband or wife, mate or spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend that you can be. For three months, okay. And if you see at the end of three months there's improvement in the other person, then you extend this test period for one more month.

Douglas James Cottrell:

And what do I mean by doing everything? Well, you know cheat, you're nice, you're civil, you're responsible to one another, you're cordial, you're kind, you're hugging, you're kissing, you know you're dating, you know you're making a forward movement, even if the other person is like wallpaper. And you're attempting, you're doing the right thing. At the end of three months and there's no improvement whatsoever. Then step two you create a wall of indifference, you pull the shades, you close the door and that person becomes invisible to you.

Douglas James Cottrell:

Oh boy, shutting off all emotional um communication back and forth. Because you know in your mind you've done everything you possibly can and so you're not encouraging, you're not conjoling, you're not compromising, you're not negotiating, you are saying he's gone, she's gone, and by creating this mental um division uh, the dividing, whatever it is that you come up with, pulling the shade down, you keep. Every time you see the person you pull the shade down, sooner or later the other person will leave. Okay, getting back to this couple where the woman is in a situation where she knows it's over, but the husband is in denial because he's been through it before. He's not that he's in denial, he's just not even thinking about it. It's not even in on his radar. He doesn't want to think about it and he hopes this nonsense will just go away so pretty much yeah, he's created a blind right.

Douglas James Cottrell:

He's closed the door right the door of opportunity would be that the wife is looking for counseling and other things true that he should have done the best he could to make this relationship work, and he's not.

Douglas James Cottrell:

And so the woman gets to the point where she's thinking you know, I I'm a, you know I'm not a monk. I have, uh, I have feelings. Sex is extremely important for everybody, and he's not doing anything about it. And so what does she do? Well, if you cheat, then that gives the other person a good reason to divorce you, and it's all your fault. Then that gives the other person a good reason to divorce you, and it's all your fault.

Douglas James Cottrell:

You're always sneaking around all the time. You're enjoying somebody else's uh time and body and and uh and relationship. Is that solving the problem or is it making it more complicated? That's the question you ask yourself. Now. You might some night, sometime, somewhere, be so despondent that you end up in bed with somebody. Okay, it happens. That's not the end of the world. But is this relationship over? You don't want to go into the, to the back door sneaking around, because that's even worse. That causes the other person pain. It causes you pain and the person you're fooling around with gets angry. They start making more demands. So you don't have a relationship based on love. You have it based on lust.

Douglas James Cottrell:

Okay right then you start to look at the situation from okay, how do I get out of this? You go to the husband and you say you're in this situation. The wife is not knowing what to do. Well, first thing she does is go see the lawyer find out what the process is, what's going to happen, how it's going to work out. Before she signs any paper with the lawyer, she finds out what the process is. Then she goes to the husband, sits him down and says and says dear, I got something really important to say to you. Um, I've made a decision.

Douglas James Cottrell:

You know we're not getting along. You know this is not a marriage, we're just two people living in the same house. I don't want to live like this anymore and I'm going to do you the favor and I'm going to get a lawyer and we're going to divorce because this is holding you back and this is holding me back. It's going to be one of a situation where, temporarily, there's a grief period we're going to go through. Anybody coming in your life and leaving, grief occurs, and that's why people don't want to do that. They don't want to break up because they're feeling a grief is terrible, but it's a necessary step. When somebody leaves your life. It, it was and now it's over and, okay, you're on to some more profitable situation, so you're willing to take that grief. But the point is you say that this, this other person, um, we're going to do this because what we're going to turn into is a bitter old couple or we're going to go see the lawyers fight like heck.

Douglas James Cottrell:

The lawyers are going to take all our money away. I don't want to do that. I love you enough, or I have feelings enough, or we had something once that we should do this amicably. If the person on the other side says, nope, I'm not doing it, I'm denying it, I'm not going to let it happen, whatever, well, that's when you pull the shade down and you say to them okay, from this moment forward, we are no longer a couple oh, wow, okay no longer a couple is a little easier to say than divorce.

Douglas James Cottrell:

Divorce is one of those big bad words that drums up embarrassment for the in-laws, embarrassment for the co-workers, embarrassment for the people next door. So I say, at this moment in time, we are no longer a couple and I'm dividing the assets or I'm going to take my assets out or whatever, and I've made a decision. We've done what we tried. We did a three-month test, we've sat down, we tried to work it out. You know, with a marriage counselor the magic's gone. I don't feel like I want to be with you sexually or otherwise. And you know the kids are. You know they're able to take care of this, they're going to go through this.

Douglas James Cottrell:

Okay, if there's kids or if there's no kids, just say, well, this, you know it's a little easier without kids, but the purpose is to say we don't want to end up hating each other. Let's be friends in as much as we had a wonderful time, but it's not anymore a marriage, a union, a partnership. We're not a couple and the person might not accept that. But you go away for a few days a week, weekend, and when you come back there isn't kind of that, shouldn't be that apprehension going. Coming back, you should be walking in and say, okay, you Are you prepared to? You know, like, well, we'll divide everything up. We don't have to rush, we can go slowly. I know people in business that they live on the opposite sides of the house. That was their solution. He lived in the east side, she lived in the west side. They saw each other as they came and went, but they were not married. They were still owning the house because it was considerable property.

Les Hubert:

Right.

Douglas James Cottrell:

General assets. So they just okay, this is not working. You know, you have your friends, I have my friends, and that was it. That's how they worked it out. There are always solutions, there are ways, as long as people are amicable. When they come to that point and saying you know we're not a couple, oh yes, we are, I know I'll do anything I can for you, or if we're not a couple, I'm going to kill myself. You know those kind of things. That's the immature response to it.

Douglas James Cottrell:

It's not nice and easy to do, agreed, but when you get to that point, so we're not a couple and that's how it's going to be we can still be in each other's lives, we can still text, uh, we can still, you know, share the kids, whatever you know, but I'm just, it's not there. And then when both people get it and it's amicable, and there's the kind where you see people who are sitting at the table, there's two couples you know and sit down and introduce themselves. Yeah, my name is bill and my name is betty. We used to be married to to uh, mary and and harry on the other side of the table. We were married each other and then we got divorced and then we got married to uh, to each other's spouse, and they're sitting there playing cards and having a wonderful time. And I was younger I'd go like, holy moly, how could this be? That was their solution. They found that they loved each other's spouses. Perhaps, uh, but they could still be friends and have a life with each other and enjoy each other's kids.

Douglas James Cottrell:

Now, that's just a wrinkle. That's your question, where this woman is, and I'm sure that people are listening to that. Wake up. There is no hard and fast way. There is no solution that is amicable, that comes along easily, that is amicable. There is usually the hatred, the pain, the suffering, the financial loss, the terrible things that come from hate to divorce. So the spiritual way is to avoid all that if you can. Or if it happens, you don't take it personally, you don't get wrapped up emotionally and those hooks come out and you can feel it one day usually when the other person is, you know, fooling around with somebody else, you can feel it like well, something just came out of me.

Douglas James Cottrell:

It's because they've now found another partner, and the same with yourself. But people who are married, people who are dating people, are spouses. They, they have an intuitive feeling what's going on with each other, and so when one's cheating on the other, that the one that's being cheated on feels great pain it's better to be, you know, honest, because people are greedy, you know they, they want to.

Douglas James Cottrell:

They want to keep their, their family, which I don't blame. They want to keep their spouse, but they can't resist looking at, you know, temptation, temptation, walking down the street.

Les Hubert:

Right right.

Douglas James Cottrell:

That is life. If you can do that, you can stay moral and ethical. You will not feel the pain and the regret it will come upon you later in life when you had a spouse that loved you, you cheated on them or you divorced them or you made a stupid decision and left abandon your family somewhere in there. If you know that the relationship is going south and you have little kitties, stick it out until they're, you know, eight, nine or ten years of age, maybe a little older, until they have that strength to go on. You don't pull the rug out from underneath them and embarrass them and cause a great difficulty. That takes a sacrifice, that takes a spiritual love, that takes somebody who's wise. But relationships, my friends, it's always the same. They're difficult when you're in them, they're easy to get into and they're hard to get out of. So maybe a little you know, prenuptial would be a good idea, Maybe a little contract of what you're going to do with each other and how you're going to love each other and how you're going to share assets and how you're going to share assets and that you're going to have four bank accounts. A little business planning when you get into a relationship can make it a whole lot easier if it doesn't work out and you have to be realistic and say okay, chances of this relationship failing in the first two years are great. Chances of it failing in the next five years are less great. Chances of it failing after 10 years are remote, but it still might happen.

Douglas James Cottrell:

You're in the wake up. Wake up. There's no easy way out of a relationship. The honorable way is to face up to the truth, to talk it out with your partner after you've done everything possible you can to make it work Everything possible. You know you've made love to your partner. You've tried to please them first. You've tried to do everything you can to make it a working relationship and then still it doesn't work. You've outgrown the relationship and the spiritual thing thereafter is to let the wedges of separation be driven.

Les Hubert:

Thank you very much. That was a great podcast and I shall pass along the information.

Douglas James Cottrell:

Thanks to our good friend Les Hubert, who's doing all the research and giving these ideas for our podcast. This is Douglas James Cottrell. See you next time, along with my good friend Les Hubert, right here on the Wake Up. God is Douglas James Cottrell. See you next time, along with my good friend Les Uro, right here on the Wake Up. God bless you, my friends. Make love, not war. God bless. Bye-bye.

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