Working out the Kinks with Tash the Doula
My name is Tash and I have many roles in life. I'm a doula. An herbalist. An advocate. I'm also a wife, sister, daughter, aunt, and friend. My goal is to have some real and honest conversations I just want people to know you're not alone. Personally, I went through different situations in life, feeling like I was the only one having bad thoughts, and when I finally started opening up, I realize I was one of many. Follow me on Instagram: @tashthedoula
Working out the Kinks with Tash the Doula
Embracing the Role Reversal: Caring for Aging Parents with Shanda Domango Brown
As we find ourselves navigating the convoluted path of becoming caretakers for our aging parents, Shanda Domango Brown joins me to share the poignant realities of this life stage. Through her heartfelt stories, we explore the emotional labyrinth of role reversals, the resilience needed in the wake of health crises, and the cultural shifts that shape our experiences. Our discussion isn't just about the weight of these changes; it's an intimate look at the delicate balance between caring for those who once cared for us and the necessity of self-care as we undertake this journey.
The intricacies of memory loss in parents carve out a particularly tender space in our conversation. It's a candid admission of the sorrow that accompanies the fading recollections, juxtaposed with moments of clarity that can pierce through the fog of confusion. The stories we share reveal not only the grief felt in watching a parent decline but also the unexpected growth that can emerge from these challenges. It's a candid reflection on the uncharted waters of love, loss, and the enduring human spirit.
As our dialogue reaches its conclusion, we grapple with the duality of loss—how it can sow seeds of both regret and gratitude. The anecdotes we exchange are an invitation to listeners wrestling with similar emotions, emphasizing the importance of traversing the tumultuous waves of grief toward a shore of acceptance and appreciation. To anyone out there on a similar path, my heart goes out to you, and I extend an open invitation to connect and find solace in our shared stories.
Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of Working Out the Kings, the podcast. We are in season four now and I am welcoming back an old friend. You might remember her from season one, episode one, shonda Domingo Brown. And today we have a different topic. The first topic we had was like mommyhood moments and we were in that series. But today we're actually talking about something a little different. We're talking about aging parents and just like the experience of seeing your parents just get a bit older.
Speaker 2:So, hi, shonda, hey, thank you for having me, tasha.
Speaker 1:Of course, if anyone knows like our friendship at this point y'all know that we talk about a lot of different things whether it's husband and Shonda has kids, looking to have some in the future. And just like parents and just like, as you get older, it's just like you start to see like the parents kind of decline and it's like the relationship you have with them change. It's no longer like they are your caretakers. It's kind of like the roles reverse.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think I got both sides of it. So for me my parents had me older, so my mom had me when she was 42.
Speaker 1:And so you know, they were basically like a head of the gang when they had me.
Speaker 2:So when my dad passed I was actually 15. And so at that time I saw the kind of experience, both sides of the coin. So, like when my dad passed I was 15. I was like a junior in high school and so my parents even hid from me or I didn't even see, being the only child in my own world. My dad had cancer and so I knew he was in and out of the hospital. I was very aware of that. I was just getting told he was sick when I was specifically was wrong.
Speaker 2:But what I did notice was, you know, I definitely saw my mom kind of doing more around the house and I saw her getting a lot more kind of like frustrated, more, you know, because he had to step up, essentially because my dad was physically that could physically do the things that we were used to him doing all the time. And so I saw the decline in when you almost like in their marriage with who was doing what and how the roles were shifting. My dad used to fix my lunch. He would cook, he cleans, he prepared my lunch, and then my mom was like you got to make your own lunch. You got to. You know, da, da, da.
Speaker 2:And so for me it was that shift as my dad got sick and I was a teenager, I didn't have to step in. At that point my mom stepped in, she stepped up and she did all the things. You know she. I always appreciate my mom because even before my dad was six, she was always very, very, very adamant to make sure that I had my own life and that I wasn't responsible for anybody else other than myself. She was always very clear about that and very clear for wanting that for me. So even as a teenager, even I was old enough to definitely you know, step in and help her, yeah, but she never pulled that card, you know, she let me stay 15.
Speaker 2:You know, and so I appreciated her for that, because right after my dad had cancer and he passed away, and in the following year was Hurricane Katrina, right, so it was like he passed away in February and Katrina was at August, you know, and so we really had no bounce back time, like soon as we started kind of settling into the fact that we have to move forward and this is what our life is going to look like with just the two of us, katrina happened and she had to step up and step up again.
Speaker 2:You know, yeah, she's a different. That was a different kind of level of strength and survival, because I always tell everyone I get my work ethic and and the grind that people know about me, that's my mama Hand like hands down, you know, and so for me it was kind of that side of the coin. But then as I got older, you know, by the time I was in my early 20s, my mom was getting close to seven, you know, she was tired, she was tired, she was tired, she was tired, she was tired, she was tired, you know, and because she was, she wasn't taken as good of care herself. You know she wasn't exercising, she wasn't eating, for she was surviving, she was enjoying her life. She wasn't she. And also you know that wasn't a part of our culture at the time either, like health and wellness was not a thing Right, it's her generation. You know, like she tried to walk them all and she could, you know, pretty shot type of.
Speaker 1:Thing.
Speaker 2:But she got really sick with heart disease, which is also very common with women in my family on that side. So that was then it was my turn to step up, you know, and I was living in California at the time and the first round she got sick. I knew something wasn't right, because I came home and she would tell me on the phone while I was in California, or I'm going to the doctor and oh, I'm. So in my mind she, good, you know, like just taking care of myself, Got number time because it's just her woman in California. I'm calling this money, you know, because I'm broke trying to be a student.
Speaker 2:And but when I came home, there was a time where I came home and my mom kept the house very tidy and the house was not tidy. She had this really really bad cough. I mean this incessant cough, and I was like I'm not right, you know. So I like I, and she told me she had a hair point and I was like, oh, okay, mom, anybody who know my mom, baby nails stays done, hair stays done every two weeks like clockwork. So I didn't. She's got a hair point, that's okay. So the next morning she was coughing really bad. I said I don't think you need to go get your hair done, we need to go to the doctor. So I said let me call your hair stylist and I'll let her know that she not coming. And she was like okay, and I called the hair stylist and she was like oh, I've been looking for your number because I haven't seen your mom in months and I was our.
Speaker 2:So that's when I kind of got my little antenna. So I'm like the house, look a little crazy, you ain't gonna get your hair done. So now I know something, all right. So we took it to the doctor, and when I got to the doctor he said why you been to my mom? He hadn't seen her.
Speaker 2:And so that's when I realized she ain't been doing none of the things that she told me she was doing, you know. And so that's when I knew, you know, it's just me, you know, that's when I knew like, okay, if I knew that it was my turn to take care of her, which was a no brainer because she provided me with a beautiful life and beautiful support, you know. So I was okay, bet, but then I also don't live in the same state. So now, what does that look like for me? So I called her friends my uncle didn't, you know, even the couple hours away and it was time to recruit the village, you know. And so we got her to the doctor. She had a minor surgery she needed to do to correct some things, and I stayed on her like I wish she had to go to physical therapy. Her friends would go pick her up to get her to physical therapy and then she wouldn't answer the door to start again real stubborn.
Speaker 2:And so that's when I started like, wow, this shift is real when you really you become the parent and you have to manage their lives and remember what they have to do. And it's very, it's very hard. I mean, even with my dad. My dad's always been a very. He was always a very tall and stocky guy and just watching his body decline was very hard. Seeing him get so slender and frail, you know it's not easy to watch. You know, in my mind went through a very. I saw her. I saw her give up and I think that was the hardest thing for me to see in the biggest lesson in learning. That moment I saw her giving it up and giving up and I couldn't take it personal Because I started taking it personal, like I'm not enough to live for.
Speaker 2:You know she told me at one point that she just she was tired and she didn't want to be here no more. You know, in that's when I knew like, okay, I gotta start wrapping my mind around this, I can't force her to want to be here. At that point I had her drink in Herbalife shakes, she was doing physical. I was doing all the things I could do. Her friends were checking on her, my uncle was jumping the fence to go make her open the door and it's like a toddler At some point. Right, you have to let them feel that out. The more you argue with them and the more you fight a toddler or a teenager, the more resistance you're going to meet. But the more you give them the space to figure that out so they can really tell you what they want, the easier the communication is and the more they are. You know they cooperate.
Speaker 2:You know, for me and my experience, my mom was tired and she was like I'm done, you know I don't want to be here anymore, I'm done. And so I think, after she was in the hospital at that time, when she told me that it may be about two days later, she passed away and she was sleeping. She was talking in her sleep to her best friend who had passed away a couple years before her, and that's when I knew. I said oh, she was talking to her. They always used to go shopping together and she was sleeping. And she was talking in her sleep telling her friend look something on sale. And I was like why are you?
Speaker 2:talking to her Like what's happening and that's I knew in my heart, like what time it was, you know. And so I think one of the biggest things if I could share with anyone when we're watching your parents age and decline, we can't take it personal, like we have to remember that they had a whole life before they were our parents. A lot that comes with how they even got to where they are in their aging process, not just what we know. There's a whole, not a life you know before that.
Speaker 1:Right and just like that, just the point of them, just like being our parent, that's literally just one part of the life. You know you're still a spouse or a friend to someone, you're a worker to somebody else. I mean, you have all these different versions of you, and being someone's parent is literally just that one version.
Speaker 2:And for us. You know, our parents are our world.
Speaker 2:You know, and we forget that they just people to with their own, just by, without all the titles. They're still just them, you know, and so they become our world. And so it's a very hard thing, especially as an adult. You know it's a hard thing to, to come to grips with Because once you had a dog hood, you kind of see the rest of you, see it play out. You like you bought the gig. You know I'm, hopefully I can get you some grandkids you're going to be here like in your mind. You know you see them getting to like 100. And even when they 100, from what I've seen other people experience, you see you're never ready. You know you're never a little bit more at peace about it, but you know it's still hit, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I think you know the idea of just like you said, like you know she was ready, you know, and I think about you know, like, just for y'all know, like my own situation comes like my parents aging, right. So my story is, is that for me, I have seen my mom be crying more than my dad. So y'all know I'm also very emotional person. So if I start crying, don't add me, I'm sorry. I just tend to be very emotional. So when it comes to my mom, so you think so, oh, thank you, I appreciate it.
Speaker 1:So you know, my mom was like dying. No, so it's like MS and like 1999. And to be fair, even after all these years, it really wasn't the MS had like completely slowed her down Because, if you know, like at the time, like you know, from that time period, she continued to like walk on her own and even after Katrina she still was pretty much walking by herself. It wasn't until like 2006 that she started she had a cane and then, from 2006 up until later, either it had to be like early 2010 or so that's when she had a Walker, so then she would get him around with a walker. And it wasn't until she had accident in 2011 when she actually like fell and she ended up having like a brain hemorrhage that really slowed her down. So that was kind of like that first moment when she's like God damn, there's a chance, I can lose my mom.
Speaker 1:You know, and I was like that first, like, oh my God, like this is not something that can happen when you're ready for some time. It just happens sometimes, doesn't you know? By that time you know she was, we weren't sure where she was going to make it or not, and, god willing, she, she did. That being said, that still did not slow her down. So I want to say the following Easter she had a stroke, that's what slowed her down. So you know, and that's like 2012. So now we're like 1011 years later. This lady is so stubborn and she is still kicking y'all. She is still kicking, but you know, she, she, she, I guess right now, you know she needs 24 hour care. She needs to take care of her family. Like, we do our best, we take care of her the best we can, and I think the biggest lesson I've learned so far, which I'm still learning, is that she's not the woman she used to be.
Speaker 2:You know, we are yeah.
Speaker 1:So for me, I mean, there's a part of me that had to like learn to mourn and learn to let that go, you know, and why I'm grateful that she's still here, it's like there's different things in my life that has happened and I'm just like, does she understand?
Speaker 1:this has gone on? Is she aware, like you know, of different things? And you know, unfortunately she has dementia will like rack that up as well In this moment when I know she's in the present mind. You know, like we have my nephew Delphi, and she, she, she, neck and nails him as her handsome grandson.
Speaker 1:she always says that you know, or even like she's got married. I remember like she said something to me and it was just like recalling, like her moments of clarity. She had this moment and she was just like so what's your new last thing? And I had to tell her and she was like, yeah, okay, she's like I'm not gonna, she's like it's the loose key and she was just like yeah, I'm not saying that, right?
Speaker 1:But she was just like Are you happy? And I was like, yeah, she was like all right, that's all I want to know, are you happy? And I was like, god damn it, how dare you make me cry? But you know it's, it's, but it's just it's. It's one of those things where it's just like mind you, when it is her time, I'm still going to be very upset and at the same time, I feel like that's still a part of her that's there, and then that's a part of her that's not there. And having to like, learn and be okay with it, that has been the hardest. It's hard. Yeah, that has been the hardest.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can imagine. I know it's crazy that you say that. I remember we had two instances, so. So you know, I'm born and raised in New Orleans, right, and then after I went to undergrad in Lafayette and after that I moved to California. So my mom has always been super supportive of me going to California. Like, be like, go ahead, handle your business. That's been your dream since you was 12. I used to call her after auditions, crying like I'm about to move back home. This is too hard, you know. And she'd be like, nope, that's what you wanted, you gonna stay out there and you gonna figure it out. You know, and I'll never forget so before my mom passed she the first time I served her, she actually went out of the simulator and so it was like on Christmas, like it was just, it was just wild, like we were in the she ain't want nobody to know. So people calling my phone, you know I'm lying and you're like, oh no, we just gonna stay inside.
Speaker 2:We in the hospital about to have a surgery. She ain't want nobody in her business, you know, and I wanted to talk about that. But I kind of felt the same way too low key. And I remember her asking me she was like, because we've never my mom was, you know, she was at that generation where emotional availability wasn't really a thing, you know, she was strong in her own right and she always made I never went without. But the emotional availability that was a little bit different for us, you know, and so it's what it called.
Speaker 2:I say that to say it called me off guard and she was like were you happier? She said were you happier in high school or in college? And I just I thought it was such an interesting, it was such a specific and interesting question and I said well, I said I was happier in college. I said why, you know like she said yeah, I thought so. I said well, okay, she said you just felt like you were more yourself when you was in college. I said yeah, because I didn't have pressure to be nothing, I didn't have to fit in a box or approve nothing and nobody will show up. A certain kind of way I was like college kind of gave me a clean slate to figure that out and I was like I said. To be honest, I like grass food more because that was a clean slate. You know, I was like I was like there was. Nobody knew, you know, so I could just be me and you either like me for being a weird nerd that dance or you don't.
Speaker 2:You know, and I remember her just kind of being satisfied with that. She knew my life in California. She would visit me all the time and she was like you're good, like you know, she always used to say when I was in California she was like you're good Because I formed my own social life. I had my life, look like she had always. But both of us envisioned, you know, I was embracing as close as femininity as possible that I was going to get and I was doing what I wanted to do with my life and she was satisfied that I was happy.
Speaker 2:She looked like she was good, knowing that, almost like you know, something never happened. She was, she was all right, my baby's happy, all right, cool, you know, yeah, so I get that, but I know not fully your experience, but I do remember I knew I was. She was kind of like losing herself because she forgot my birthday. And I talked to her on my birthday and her friend was like you know what day it is? And she was like no, what day is it? And it was like my birthday. And I remember that. It broke me and it shook me like all at the same time. That's when I knew like kind of like she wasn't there, you know, yeah.
Speaker 2:And I had to meet her with what she was. I couldn't, I couldn't take that personal, you know.
Speaker 1:And it's hard not to like having a parent. You know, there's definitely times when you know I. You know, I live in a city over from my parents so I can come over in the mornings. And there's days when she'll go oh hey, my sweet baby, hey, my sweet chocolate girl. Whatever she want to say that day, that's how she, you know, sees me. That's what she say. Or it's just like oh hey how are?
Speaker 1:you and I'm recognizing like you're not putting together who I am. So that's when I kind of start asking her questions like well, who do you think I am? And sometimes she might say her younger sister could be favor, or sometimes she might be like I don't know, and then she thinks I'm like some nurse or something and I think those are like the harder days because, just like wow, you don't even recognize who I am.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, those are the tougher days, but then, even then, it's like you cannot take it. It's hard not to take it personally, but you know but you know, but it's not like that she's doing it on purpose or if someone's going through it.
Speaker 1:It's not like you know your parents doing this on purpose. It's like a switch in their mind. They can't control it. So on those days, honestly, some days I handle it better than others, but those days when I'm like I'm not handling it, I have to just like walk out and I would like a good five minutes collect my thoughts. Everybody do a cry in the corner, go cry in the corner and I come back and I just have to like I have to take care of her because she needs me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, you know.
Speaker 1:I think I'm more grateful that I'm in a space now that I can be there to help her. Yeah, you know if I was young, I mean because we've been dealing with this for like a good 10 and 11 years now. But I think back though like if I was even younger when this happened. Where would I have been in a space mentally to help her? Yeah Right.
Speaker 2:You know such a different space now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, like you know, we're older, you know we're in our magic years, at 35.
Speaker 1:You know we're already in our magic years.
Speaker 2:You know, and I feel like we're almost in a year where we really start growing up into true adulthood. You know which we think we know, but then it's like I'm more than a level, yeah.
Speaker 1:I definitely feel now like you know, as kids, you know you see your parents and you think they have it all figured out, like, oh, they're like real adults. Quote, unquote, and I'm just like man yo just faking this shit Just like we are. I ain't know what y'all was doing.
Speaker 1:And it gives me such a like a feeling of grace for them a little bit more. It's for the sense they had kids younger. You know, like my parents had me at 27, had my sister at 25, had my brother at 35. So it just kind of just like dang like I'm still trying to figure out, like when I want to eat for breakfast in the morning and y'all had y'all had three whole ass kids, what, what.
Speaker 2:Hello, you know, I remember, um, I was like my parents tell me over one of the things. Bro, this is just so. This used to piss me off, like because my parents were so much older than everybody else's so people used to always think they were my grandparents and I used to get so mad, like, and I mean I didn't understand. You know, my dad used to, my mom used to go well, you know, we're a little bit older than everybody else's parents. I used to get so upset, like how did you? You know, um, and as I got older, you know, I started to notice like how much younger, you know, my friends' parents were, um, then my parents. But then you know, my best friend, narissa, that, uh, met in middle school. We went to high school together. Her parents were older too. Then I found felt like I found an ally, you know, but I used to always be in the back of my mind. And, um, as I got older, you know, people wouldn't know me.
Speaker 2:but, as you know, as I got older, people would just say oh, you know, I don't want to have them so young, because then I'm not going to be old enough to do this with them or do that with them. And so I just I'm always grateful that, you know, my parents had me when they were older. They were so present, like you know, they were so present, they kept me active.
Speaker 1:I understand, now that I got kids why they kept me so active.
Speaker 2:Why was there like 5,000 extra curricula? I was going to say the same thing. Right, I cannot imagine, like and I'm I get more gratitude for them I cannot imagine having the boys at 42. Like, I can't imagine starting at the beginning with them at 42. Like, I don't what you know, but you know, I know everything happens for a reason. But I just, um, yeah, I'm grateful to have that experience. And sometimes I, you know, honestly, I always go like man, they didn't have me younger, maybe I had them longer. You know, um, sometimes that does cost my mind, you know. But then I also know, now, on this part, on this side of my life, like now, everything is written in, it happens for a reason. So I'm grateful to have them in the way that I had, you know, while they were here.
Speaker 1:All right. So, like to tag on to what you're saying, which is something that I also deal with, is just like, first, to have our parents the way we want to have them. Honestly, it's our own selfishness, right, because you know, like, for example, like I am extremely grateful that you know my parents are both still here Like, let's say, 10 years ago, when she had that that fall, I'm like what if it was a guy saying that it was her time?
Speaker 1:you know, while I'm super grateful, that she has seen all the things that have happened in my life in these 10 years, like I would have had to accept the fact that if that was her time, that was her time. You know. You know. You know, as time goes on it's like I mean she's not to exchange at that point yet. But you know, with dementia, you know, the brain stops, the synapses stop working and all the other scientific stuff. And then you know, at some point, like you know, the throat muscles stop working. She also has MS. That means like the muscles in her body is breaking down slowly but surely at some point, you know she's not going to want to eat.
Speaker 1:She's not going to want to swallow. You know we can put a port in her, but how long would that work, you know? So I'm like all these different things happen.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I know personally, like it's not my call, but you know I would not want her to be in a position of she can't do things that she would want to do and she just can't do it at all. You know, if that was her time, I would just rather it just be her time. I wouldn't want to draw her head on, you know. So that's something that we have to check in ourselves as our own selfishness, like how long do you want to keep somebody here? You?
Speaker 2:know Well, that part and I remember the thing for me was definitely a lot of selfishness, especially as a only child. You know, you know we had a village. You know what I mean, but at the end of the day it was always down to us three you know, and when it down to, you know, I was a daddy's girl first and foremost, like dad girl.
Speaker 2:do you understand me? Like my mama was in the way, daddy's girl, you know, she was in the way. Why did she go to the chair? It was me and you, bro.
Speaker 2:And when my dad passed, you know, it really brought me and my mom closer together and it was kind of like, you know, we got in this space where it's basically like, you know, it's us to the world's fall off at this point, you know. And so, no matter what the state of our relationship was in, she was my safety. You know, Like that's how I knew, as long as I had her, I was secure, I was safe, I would always be provided for, no matter what age you know I was. And so when I lost her, I felt like I lost everything. I lost her. I felt like what's the point, you know not, not what's the point of like living, but like, well, I have nothing. I felt like I lost the essence of who I was. I felt like I lost my identity and I felt like I had no, like I lost my family. It's a hard one and I really had to hold us lost for a minute.
Speaker 1:after that I was gonna ask how much you come back from that.
Speaker 2:Honestly like I'll keep it a buck. I got lost for a minute. It took I got lost. I was. I dated whoever looked at me. I lost my sense of value. I dated anybody who felt like I was worthy to be loved of the light and I was in a really comfortable position for somebody my age with a house. And you know, now I got this house, I got you know these call, you know like this whole lifestyle, but I was just in pain, you know so, and it was a very uncomfortable position because I think, when I look back on it now, I wanted some type of safety and I wanted to feel loved in a whole and I wasn't that within myself, even though I may have thought I was. I was not that within myself, and I know that, not more, because I dated whoever, you know, whoever looked at me and I thought they was cute enough. That's who I rocked with. You know, I gave myself in so many ways that if I was plugged into my worth, I would like what.
Speaker 2:But, you know, I gave myself in a lot of ways and then, at the same time, I went through a moment where I had people thinking that I had more than what I did, you know, and so I didn't feel safe with nobody. You know people that I thought I would have felt safe with, because I felt like they was counting what I had, and people that I was craving safety from was just like you hear you know like I'm just a body.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. And so went through that stage and then I just worked. Then I was like I had a friend pull me to the side. She was like, get your shit together, you're losing yourself, cause I wasn't showing up as my usual type A workaholic self, right, and so that was all I knew. So that's what I went to, that form of survival mode, and so I worked, I worked, I worked, I worked my company, I got a job, I worked choreography. I still sold Herbalife, like I just I worked. I knew if I couldn't do nothing else. I knew how to work and I didn't realize at the time that was just suppression at its finest.
Speaker 2:That was just high functioning anxiety, depression, yeah, depression, yeah. So my depression looks like work and you don't know at the time who you're getting praise for it. You're so productive man, you worked so hard, so you don't think nothing really wrong with how you move, right, you know, and to be honest, I didn't realize how lost I was until I got what I like to call glimpses of it. You know, I got married and then I had kids and my husband will tell you what he sees and he gonna tell you like it is, you know. And so he would see things and be like yo, you know, and I was very defensive about it, like what, talking about what. I've always been like, you know, like I've always been like this, what?
Speaker 2:And then when I got pregnant and I decided to just start working on my ish yeah, that's when I was like yo, something not right. No, ha ha ha ha. Something not right, something is not right. I'm not handling life in the way this. Don't feel healthy. No, more Like this, don't feel productive. The way I work don't feel right. Something's not right. And that's when I really started sitting with my stuff and I'm in a much stronger place with my healing. Now, when I look back on it, I can truly, truly, truly see how far gone and how lost I was. And if I think about it, I went from I got lost with my dad past, like I was. That did me in Cause. That was my eighth and then Katrina happened, so I kept into survival mode with my mom, you know, and I just kind of stayed there basically until I had kids, you know, and I'm still healing myself out of operating in that kind of way of being and living. I'm not as bad as I'm used to be, but yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean, you kind of just went from like trauma, trauma, trauma and you know really, instead of like knowing the right way to deal with it, because we weren't taught the right way to deal with it. You just kind of just threw yourself into your work, and it's just crazy, cause it's still when you really think about this kind of just went right back to episode one, when we talk about when you finally went down when you had the twins yeah yeah, yeah, I started throwing down.
Speaker 2:They didn't give me a choice. That's why I'd be like I'm so grateful, you know, For my kids, but now it's not just them, my work. Don't give me a choice. I literally am in a profession now that promotes and works. There is a lifestyle of flow and of trust and of faith and of being. You know so grinding and being. You know grinding and being a healer don't go in the same bucket, Right? So it's a beautiful position of being and I'm learning. You know I'm learning and as I heal I continue to learn what that looks like. And as I continue to heal, I get to sit with what that part of my life looks like.
Speaker 2:When it comes to losing my parents, you know, in the state that I was in at each moment, Cause even when my dad passed, I remember I was in a quote, unquote high school relationship right when my dad passed. You know in our mind, baby, real girl. But I remember the person I was with at the time had just broken up with me right before, literally the day before, my dad passed. And I remember, right after that, I think maybe a year or two later I don't know how I wound up back on the phone with him. But I remember being in a car with my uncle, on the phone with him, and I was begging him to legit, begging him to give us like you know to be all in my mind like not quit on us, not give up on me.
Speaker 2:Now I would never forget my uncle snatching that phone out my hand and hanging it up and like don't you ever beg nobody you know to be with you, Like if they don't want you, that's on them, you know. And now when I look back on it, it just shows me how, how wounded my solar chakra and my heart chakra was, you know, in all those situations, because After each of their death, all I wanted to be was loved in both of those moments, and I was. I never felt I wasn't loved enough by myself to be good with where I was, you know. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Damn deep. I know I was like, yeah, I mean I will say no because I mean I've learned that you know it's okay to still be sad, it's okay to still have feelings of emotion, but what to do with them and how to just like take a step back and just be like you can see, you can be sad but you can still be grateful, like you could be sad but you could still be accepting of you know where they are and what's going on. So I know that that has helped me and I honestly I think my therapist and you too, you like pull the cars, I pulled the cars up say god damn it. How did you know my solar needed help today? How do you know I wasn't rooted at the moment?
Speaker 2:I think what you said is really, is really key to you know, like you can Be sad and we grateful, all at the same time. And I feel like a lot of times we're put in positions where we feel like we have to be one or the other, like we can't ourselves the permission to Literally be in both spaces. And we can, you know, and it's all about if we choose to marinate in it or if we choose to sit with the emotion, let it pass and then move forward. We get taught is feel the emotion and then look to the left and keep it pushing. You know we never sit with it. I think we.
Speaker 2:What you said is so key. You know you can feel both. You can feel both. You can be disappointed and accepting all at the same time, and I think that's how we truly start to acknowledge and be honest with ourselves, or like what we really feel and in any given moment. You know it's like dang like this hurts for me to see her like this, but I get it, you know, and truly mean it. You know, rather than like I don't see her like this, and then you just deny that it's even happening.
Speaker 1:Right, you don't want to be an S basement. It's just like you yeah. Turn the blind eye to what's going on, because I feel like if you do, the time that you could have had, you've lost, and then you're sitting there with every regret. In every event, me like dang, I like you know I would hate to have you like people when you go to funerals and sometimes the loudest people crying be the ones who didn't do nothing. And it's just like yeah you know, because that's that regret, that's popping up.
Speaker 2:And then I was too late because of what's that person's gone there gone, yeah, I not so.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I mean I still had regrets, like after my mom, as you know, when I meant to say earlier, like what her like supporting me, the living in California, I knew something was wrong because she asked me to move back to New Orleans. Hmm, anybody know, my mom is like she would never have, even if she thought about it, she wouldn't ask me because she was always that supportive of what I was doing with my life, as far as at least you know not saying it out loud, you know. So when she, when she asked me that and I remember looking at her in her face I can see how scared she was, you know and she needed help and I was like I remember going look, give me two weeks, I will, let me get back to California, let me pack my stuff, let me sell my car. You know I was like in I'm, you know I'm coming home, is almost like I was begging her to hold on. You know so, I think so I can move back, you know so.
Speaker 1:And you know, and that's not saying that that's the reason why, but it could be a reason why she held on, because you know Some people when you feel it that you know they're there last days. They want to go in a regret, you know right. That's why she probably, just like I, want to make sure that everything is right between me and you before I let go. That could be yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, that's true, because I definitely Set with a lot of guilt, you know, afterwards like I was like dang when she got the Fibulator I just should have stayed. Like I almost felt like it was selfish of me to go back, you know, to LA and try to keep dancing, you know, and kind of manage it, you know from manage her life, you know Kind of coordinating with her friends and stuff like that. Like I always felt like no, like I should have, I should have packed my, like I should Did what I did the second time around, which I left all about a one-way ticket and left all my stuff in LA and I was like I'll figure it out. You know, when I get settled, like I always feel like I should have did that the first time, but I think I didn't. I either didn't realize how bad it was. They want to realize how bad it was. You know I'm sorry I did dealt with a lot of a lot of guilt, you know from that.
Speaker 1:I feel like if you did like Would have really made a difference, though, you know, but that's like one, but that's like on a whole, like whole different. You know, we didn't live that, so you don't want to sit into that. You didn't even live like it's.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I literally get a heart feeling on that this morning. So you know it's and that's comes with the. You know you got to let it be what it's gonna be and Can leave it right there and trust that it all happened. Even you said I was very resentful for a while, but how they handled me when it came to my dad's death, like nobody telling me he even had cancer, and then I resented myself For being like what was I just that stuff absorbed, that I never stopped long enough, you know, to realize that it was cancer. Like I went through a whole thing, you know, and I had to come that piece, that everything played out the way it was supposed to. You know and have to, and just have to trust me that they have to leave it right there, get the lesson and then leave it right there, you know and I mean we were kids.
Speaker 1:I'm like how would you to like pick up on signs of like someone being super sick? You know, and I think your mom got the right thing. By I mean, we're only children for so long you know. Yeah, I think she really just wanted you to like enjoy the very short years of childhood that we have, so I could see why she made that decision. I really can.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I always Appreciate that from her. If she's I mean, she was very dead. Like my dad wanted me to get a job in high school and my mom was like what? No, she would be a cheerleader. She's gonna be a cheerleader. She's like nah, but what? Like I remember I'd be like for what she don't have to. You know, like I would never.
Speaker 2:I remember her like really standing up for me for that. She like for what she she's a teenager. Like then she don't have to. Like she had the key. I remember her saying that like why she don't have to and she wants to, that's on her, but she's right, have to. Like there's nothing for her to contribute. Like she don't have to like this ain't. I remember her going. She was like we ain't, we ain't back then, she don't have to. So I always appreciate her for Preserving and always making a space for me to have my own life and always, as much as she could, let me make my own decisions About my life, you know, rather than telling me what I needed to do and how I should look.
Speaker 1:Right, so I have a question. Um, I hope you have an answer. I always feel that you come from like a good space, in that you, you know, never have like I am. To me, you don't have a bad spirit in your body. Personally, that's the way I feel, but you know, you know no, seriously, look, this is how I see it.
Speaker 1:I could be wrong, but you know. Looking out what you said, I appreciate it. But you know, sometimes when you're outside, looking in, you can see other people who are blessing up to still have their parents here. If you had to talk to someone who recently lost their parents and they, you know, sometimes feel like a little hurt that other people still have their parents and they don't, how would?
Speaker 1:I'm hoping, wrapping this up in a pretty good. You understand what I'm saying. Um, I got what you're trying to say, like you know not to feel a certain type of week because other people still have their parents and they don't Listen.
Speaker 2:Let me say something Listen let me tell you something you know we keep it above each other.
Speaker 2:Let me tell you something. You know, my husband has both of his parents and so for me, um, me personally, you know, I felt the way like when we got married. I felt the way Because his parents got to be there, in my word, um, when I got pregnant, I felt the way because my kids Get to know and engage and have relationships with his, with his parents, and I don't, I didn't want them looking at me like, well, where's yours? Yeah, you know, um, that was hard. You know, um, I have the. I have. I'm lucky, you know, as a medium, to be able to just go in spirit and talk to mine. Now Also, my, my emotions towards it is different, but at the time, you know, I wasn't and I'm not I was pissed and I let myself be pissed. Um, I was hurt, I cried late, um, I felt the way, and I asked for the space to do that because my feelings were valid. My daddy couldn't walk me down to how I was pissed about it. I was hurt because anger is just hurt.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Well, I was just, I was hurt because that's something I always wanted and I couldn't have it, and that it broke my heart, you know. And so I say that to say Feel, but what? What I didn't do, though. What I didn't do was take it out on my husband, all right, you know. So, like I didn't walk around the house like you with both of your parents looking at, like you know.
Speaker 2:I wasn't doing that. But I also let him know when I was in that space so that way he knew if, um, you know, if a little Underhanded comment came out that was unrelated, or if my energy shifted. I wanted him to know where, where I was, so I could have the space, so process how I was feeling, so I could get on the other side of it, you know, um, and move forward. So I say to anyone that's in that position and even before I was married, you know, I would see people from getting ready for mother's day, you know, and Posting pictures of their daddy. You know, that they just get to hang out with and spend time with. And I acknowledged, I had to acknowledge that that it hurt seeing it. And then I had to accept that that what I was in was my reality and I had to trust that it was for a reason, even if I didn't know what it was yet. So I gave myself the time to lay in the bed and cry. On Mother's Day, I gave myself the time to go to my parents grave and have a breakdown. I gave myself the space to do that and over time I learned to ask for the space to do that because I also got tired of people trying to coax me to grieve, you know, just because they didn't see me, you know, and it's like nah, I almost like it would hit me in waves, and sometimes it hit me when I wasn't even planning for it to. But I learned to. Just, I would let it out and give myself the space to feel that, give myself the space to be in that and then pick myself back up when I'm ready, you know.
Speaker 2:And so I say to anyone that's having those feelings you can feel it, you just can't stay there. Right, yeah, you know, you can feel it, but you can't stay there. You can feel it. And then you have to. You have to shift to gratitude, you have to shift to being grateful for the mission you did get. Because guess what? And I, you know, I always say, you know, I have a friend whose dad died when she was one. She can't even remember. Wow, yeah, you know, so I got to be grateful for what I had. So I still get to be mad, I still get to feel away, you know, but I'm not going to stay there. I'm not going to stay there. I'll be grateful for what I got. You trust that it is a part of a divine plan anyway.
Speaker 1:Right, because I will say so, I swear y'all, I had like probably the most emotional time during, like, my wedding. I really feel that way. One of them you were present, for I see you. I mean not like you weren't there in my wedding, because you were, but I remember and and even then I was like, wow, it didn't have any way how I wanted to. I still have to be grateful.
Speaker 1:Like I remember the day I went dress shopping and my mom wasn't feeling good so she couldn't come. My sister was in Atlanta, so she was there virtually, but even then she signed in like really, really late, and I remember you met me at the shop and I remember I just started bawling my eyes out. I was just like no one's here, I'm all alone and I feel so lonely and I'm just I was so upset and I was just like so thankful that one you showed up and I was just like, okay, I'm not alone, like I literally have a village of people, and like that day you were like my village. So I was like, well, I have this. And then like and then at the day I was like well, my mom is here, she just can't be here for this one moment and then, like for my actual wedding day, like the day before my wedding, my mom went into the hospital and part of it was just like are you effing kidding me? Like, are you serious?
Speaker 2:right now.
Speaker 1:So even then I had to be like this sucks. And one point I was like I'm going to postpone and my dad was like don't you dare do this he was just like you know she would not want you to do this. You know, I was like I'm still going to walk you down, so she's like, she's like I just have to leave afterwards. And even then I had to be grateful. I'm like, okay, well, my dad is still present. He's still team youth. That's a blessing.
Speaker 1:And then two, it was like she's not here at the moment, but she'll be here tomorrow. You know, not everybody got that. So I had to be like be thankful. And then my friend who was our fishie. I was like I just want to take a moment and recognize the people who aren't here today and I was like I started crying, yeah. I was like God damn it.
Speaker 2:So there's little blessings in that man you know, there's little blessings in that Right, right Like my. What was cool for me was there's a picture that I still have. My uncle walked my mom down that wall when she married my dad, and so I was grateful because my uncle got to walk me down the aisle. So for me that was like I felt like I had a piece of her moment with me.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:You know, when I got to walk down, I was always I was grateful to still have my uncle, because he older than my mom and my uncle he's girl, he's 82. And jumping fences, still kicking, he still sassy, he's still kicking, and I was just, I was grateful to have him, to have him, to have at least him share that moment with me and someone who had walked my mom down that wall, who had been in that specific moment, you know, with her. And I had a friend of mine sing the song my Dad sung to my mom at their wedding when I walked down that wall. So I can use it as an opportunity to like recreate moments for me. You know, my husband got a locket of my parents made, so I had that, you know, on my bouquet. When I walked down I stayed two seats just for him. You know I wasn't healing at all spiritual then, but for me that was, that was what I could do when I became good with that. You know, yeah, like you can create those moments and be grateful, just like how you did, you know, be grateful for what you have.
Speaker 2:When I had the boys and I was pregnant, there's this picture that I took of my parents that I still have. As probably one of the only random I took that of them. So I remember the moment I took it. I remember us being in our house together. I remember how we felt in that moment and I still have that picture. So I brought that picture with me, you know, when I had the boys, you know. So I like, I like to do things that make that help me stay connected to their spirit and their essence. Now, of course, now it's a little different as a medium, because I just go and spend blood with y'all doing that. But you know, but before then I follow ways to a hundred of them in that, like in February, I paint my nails red Because that's the only color my mama will wear on her nails, like my family.
Speaker 1:It has to be women of that generation.
Speaker 2:I mean, baby, I once I'm, I was like you gonna get something else. She got like burgundy. I was like ma'am, don't do this. So I do. You know I, in February, I would always get my. I would keep my nails red. You know, in honor of her, in the honor of her instilling the importance of me being groomed in that way, you know she started taking me to the nail shop in Fort Greene, you know, really trying to teach me self care and staying groomed as a young woman and how important it was, you know. So you know also, I encourage to anyone listening find ways to honor them that brings you joy, that makes you come home and members of them and that also allows for you to honor yourself and the memories you have with them. I like to bait because my dad bait. I don't like to cook, I don't like being in the kitchen, don't get it twisted. But if I got a bacon follow a recipe, I still have the bowl that my dad baked and mixed out of.
Speaker 1:Oh, no, that's not it.
Speaker 2:So when I baked I used, you know, we we were able to clean it after Katrina, you know. So, like when I'm cooking with my boys, I use that bowl, you know, and so I'm grateful to be able to even had a damn bowl for some people, you know I didn't get nothing I know.
Speaker 1:So we lost our lives in Katrina.
Speaker 2:That's a blessing that you still have.
Speaker 1:I'm grateful for.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm grateful for what I have. You know, I'm grateful. I may not have them, but I had them, you know, and so I'm grateful for that.
Speaker 1:I just like that, like I might not have them, but I had them. Yeah, you're gonna have me see her crying again, like I haven't been crying this whole time.
Speaker 2:God that was.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know, sister's really emotional, I'm sorry, I'm just always going to cry.
Speaker 2:baby, I'm like girl, I'm so dramatic and I cry. It's a whole thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's true. Okay, thank you for talking to me and just sharing your story. When I thought of this topic, you were like the first person I thought about, because we've had so many conversations over the years already. I'm like we can't both be sitting here booing, crying. Somebody got to hold it together. So I'm like she's strong, she can do it, it's true, please. I'm like we just came both be sitting here, just not knows crying and shit on this parking.
Speaker 1:So I was like she got it, she's got it. So, yes, thank you for taking the time, because your schedule is super, super busy and just like having a moment and talking to me about this topic, which I think is just very important, just because you know, as I'm getting older, you know the roles have changed and you start to see like different things on your calendar is not just for you, it might be for your parents and their doctor appointments and what they have going on.
Speaker 1:I literally say that I live by my calendar, because I don't know what's going on until I mention that my parents are okay, and then they're right, absolutely.
Speaker 2:So, like Google calendar, it ain't happening.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if it's not all that, I did not agree to nothing. If it's not on Google calendar.
Speaker 2:It ain't on the calendar. You can't get mad at me if I'm sure that's really how.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly, but we're just, we're getting regal, as you normally say, we just get.
Speaker 2:No, we need reminders. We read it's fine, it's totally fine.
Speaker 1:Definitely. But thank you again and I hope you guys were able to listen to everything and hope you guys have been out of it. If you're an agreement moment, I hope it was a moment of healing for you. If you need someone to talk to, you can always just DM me. I'm a good person. I like to chat with people. I'm not a therapist, but I'll listen. If anyone needs to talk, feel free. If not, then I hope you still enjoyed it and I hope you guys have a wonderful day. So bye for now.