Quit Complaining - ABCs of Self-Care for Caregivers

Do everything without complaining. Philippians 2:14 NLT

Here is an excerpt from my book, The Power of Hope for Caregivers: Honor the Ride.

The details of my late husband’s (Bill) last doctor’s appointment are indelibly engraved in my memory. It was a routine visit with the pulmonologist to check Bill’s oxygen levels. In our past appointments, this doctor had been pleased that Bill’s lungs were still strong even though his diaphragm no longer functioned. The full-time ventilator pushed the air in and out of his lungs via a c-Pap mask over his face.

“Mr. Sebastian, I must insist that you get a tracheostomy,” the doctor said grimly.

With no hesitation, Bill signed N – O, and then very deliberately grabbed his marker and wrote, “NO.” It was the size of the entire white board we had taken in so that he could communicate with the medical staff.

“I respect that, Mr. Sebastian,” acknowledged the doctor. “I just want you to know that as your doctor it is my duty to let you know the risk you take by not having this procedure done.”

“Wait just a minute, honey,” I said quickly. “Hear out what the doctor is telling us.”

The doctor went on to explain that because of the lack of muscle tone in his face due to the type of Muscular Dystrophy and the continual flow of air through the mask it was more and more difficult for the oxygen levels to stay at optimum levels.

I don’t remember much else about that doctor’s appointment. I felt angry and frustrated.

The following week, Bill woke up on Heaven. He was healed and my caregiving role ended abruptly.

I look back on that time in my life with regret for the missed opportunities to grow and praise God for what I had rather than bemoan the way my life had turned out. I was in a dark place because I had yet to grasp the truth that as a Hope Ambassador I could set the tone for my surroundings by my response to the challenges of my life.

Active Self-Care

Eliminate absolutes like never and always
There are many things that challenge us in the caregiving role. This admonition is not about denying the difficulties but rather looking for solutions. The challenge with focusing with absolutes is that they blow up the bridges to solutions leaving you entrenched in a victim mentality where you are less likely to reach a solution.

Replace complaints with praise
We live in a society that loves to grumble and complain. We now have a whole new platform on Social Media to identify with what we are against. We have those who will jump on the band wagon and agree with us in our objections and laments. The problem with this approach is that it leaves us angrier and more frustrated than ever. More importantly, we miss opportunities to bless and serve fully.

Flip the situation
One of my favorite sayings is “On the positive side…” It’s great to acknowledge the challenge rather than to pretend that everything is fine when it is not. God has a good plan for you even though you may not see it right now. Ask for wisdom from others. It may seem like this season will never end but it always does.

Prayer
Lord, I am just so tired right now. I need you to energize me with the desire to do what

For more hope inspiration you can follow her posts on:

https://www.instagram.com/the.hope.lady
https://www.facebook.com/hopeispowerful

Rate and review this podcast to spread the hope to others who need to be reminded they can go from rock-bottom to the mountain top one step at a time.

Transcript

[00:09] Welcome to the Hope is Powerful podcast. My name is Karen Sebastian-Wirth, affectionately known as the Hope Lady, and I'm here to share with you a hope infusion. I know you may be in a dark places right now, but you will get through it. You can go from rock bottom to the mountaintop. Let's start taking steps towards that today.

[00:38] Welcome to Hope is Powerful podcast. This is the Hope lady. I am beginning to wrap up the ABCs of Selfcare for Caregivers. 

I recently got feedback from a listener saying you need to take the caregiver part out because she thought the ABCs of Self-Care are for all of us. I so appreciated that input. 

I'm talking about the letter Q and we want to talk today about Quit Complaining. Our verse for this week is Ephesians 2:14 in the New Living Translation. 
"Do everything without complaining."

As I look back on my caregiving days, it seemed like the twelve years, twelve and a half years went on and on for a very, very long time. And I remember waking up early one morning with the heavy weight on my heart because it was getting harder and harder to get Bill, my late husband, up to get him moving, and especially in time to make it to doctor's appointments. He had a doctor's appointment with this pulmonologist. It was routine. His lungs were still strong, but his diaphragm had failed. It was paralyzed, and therefore he had to use the ventilator. I remember thinking, I don't know if I'm going to be able to get him into the car and out of the car, into the wheelchair at the clinic. I will remember this day forever. In fact, I wrote about it in my book. The Power of Hope for Caregivers: Honor the Ride. And so I'm going to read it verbatim from there, because I think I captured the essence of what I was feeling that day. 

The details of my late husband's last doctor's appointment are indelibly engraved in my memory. It was a routine visit with a pulmonologist to check Bill's oxygen levels in our past appointments. The doctor had been pleased that Bill's lungs were still strong enough, even though his diaphragm was no longer functioning. The full time ventilator pushed the air in and out of his lungs via a CPAP mask over his face. 
"Mr. Sebastian, I must insist that you get a tracheostomy," the doctor said grimly. 

With no hesitation, Bill signed "no" and then very deliberately grabbed his marker and wrote a huge "no" the size of the entire whiteboard we had taken in so that he could communicate directly with the medical staff. 

"I respect that, Mr. Sebastian," acknowledged the doctor. "I just want you to know that as your doctor, it is my duty to let you know the risk you take by not having this procedure done."
"Wait a minute, honey," I said quickly. "Hear out what the doctor is telling us."
The doctor went on to explain that because of the lack of muscle tone in his face due to his type of muscular dystrophy and the continual flow of air through the mask, it was more and more difficult for the oxygen levels to stay at optimum levels. 
I don't remember much else about that doctor's appointment. I felt angry and frustrated. Once we were situated back in the car and on the road home, I remember turning to Bill and asking angrily, "Why won't you follow the doctor's orders?"
I glanced over briefly as he began answering me with sign language. I had put his whiteboard in the back. I kept sneaking glances over at him while I merged onto the road to take us home. 
Finally I blurted out, "Are you saying that you were held? What are you talking about?" He looked at me and he kept signing. His whiteboard was in the back, like I said, so I couldn't reach it without pulling the car over. We can talk about it more when we get home and I can get your whiteboard, I said angrily. I was fuming inside. I had barely managed to get him into the car. He was getting worse, and there was nothing I could do about that. My internal dialogue was not good as I thought. What good does it do for us to have the best medical team in the world if my husband is just going to be stubborn about it all and not do what the doctors want him to do? When we got home, Bill wrote on the whiteboard "I am healed."
The following week, Bill woke up in heaven. My caregiving role ended abruptly. 
As I remember that time. I think about all the complaining I did. In fact, I would complain to anyone who would listen. I like to joke about it today and say people felt better about their own lives after having lunch with me because they realized their life was actually pretty good compared to mine. And I look back on that time in my life with regrets for the missed opportunities to grow and praise God for what I had, rather than be malling the way my life had turned out. I was in a dark room, complaining about the darkness and seeming oblivious to the light switch that was right by the door. I was in a dark place because I had yet to grasp the truth that as a Hope ambassador, I could set the tone for my surroundings by my response to the challenges of my life. 
By the way, I've had some questions about that book, and it is available on Amazon. It is called The Power of Hope for Caregivers: Honor the Ride. And it is under my name, Karen Sebastian. 

Let's talk about you, how you can take care of yourself if you're a caregiver? Let's talk about you and give you some active steps to help you in your journey. 

1) Eliminate absolutes like never and always. 
How often do you say, no one ever helps me? That's the same as the never. I always end up doing this. The nevers and the always. Even though you have all those challenges, when you use the nevers and the always in a sentence, you increase the difficulties and you stop looking for solutions. You want to look for blame, not solutions. So I want to challenge you today to start focusing on solutions rather than the absolutes of what you don't like. Listen to this statement the challenge with focusing on absolutes is that they blow up the bridges to solution, leaving you entrenched in a victim mentality where you are less likely to reach for a change. I want you to begin to find help. A lot of the other sessions that we've done on these ABCs will give you even more. I'll put a link in the notes. 
2. Replace complaints with praise. 
We live in a society that loves to grumble and complain. Isn't that pretty obvious? I mean, a lot of our humor is about complaining. We're looking at other people now. We have social media way more than we did before. We are able to identify what we are against. Rants on the reels go viral. And there are people who jump on the bandwagon and agree with us in our objections and laments. The problem with this approach is that it leaves us angrier and more frustrated than ever. More importantly, we miss opportunities to bless and serve others. The thing about negativity is it must be replaced with something positive. If you say, I am not going to be negative anymore, you're going to continue to be more negative. If instead you say, I replace negative statements with positive ones, the more you say, it is an honor to do this, the more that's going to become a reality in your life. That's why I call this book the Power of Hope for Caregivers. Honor the Ride. When you care for someone with honor, you take care of them from a heart of service. You take care of them because of love and it makes a difference. 
3. Flip the situation. 
One of my favorite sayings is "on the positive side" or "on a positive note." See, I'm not asking you to pretend that everything is great when it's not. I just want you to acknowledge the challenge instead of pretending everything is fine. But then say, on the positive side. On a positive note, let me give you an example. I spend my time caring for someone who needs me. While this is hard, on a positive note, I will live with no regrets. God has a good plan for you, even though you may not see it right now. He knew about your caregiving journey long before it started, and he wants to give you the strength and the wisdom that you need right now. It may seem like the season will never end, but it always does. And when it does, there is sadness. The beautiful part is if you've done it with honor, then you will have no regrets. 
Here's the three steps again:
1) Eliminate absolutes, as in the never and always in your statements. 
2) Replace complaints with praise. 
3) Flip the situation. 

Doing this is going to make a big difference in your caregiving. 

Let's pray:
Lord, we need some help right now. So many of my caregivers that are reaching out to me are just so tired. And I just pray that you would energize them and that they will begin to see the honor of what they do. And I know that feeling like this season is not going to end, and yet I know it does. And I know that you can allow them to finish strong. Give them the wisdom to make true statements about the honor that it is to serve their loved ones. And may they begin to replace every complaint with praise. May they begin to show gratitude for their opportunities to serve. Lord, we are living in such challenging times. Yet I thank you that you are calling us to be bright stars of hope, to be hope ambassadors. I pray that every caregiver within the sound of my voice will begin to have a change in perspective so that they get to fulfill the mission you've called them to. They get to do what only they can do. And when that door closes, that season is over, they can truly look up to you and say thank you just like I do. Thank you for the privilege of serving such a great man. Thank you for the privilege of making his life, his last months, his last years, filled with love and with honor. I pray this in the powerful name of Jesus. Amen. 

What an honor to have you with me on the ABCs of Self-Care for Caregivers. Please tag someone; write a review. It would mean the world to this podcast. Reach out to me with prayer request and any way that I can help you. Talk to you next time. This is the Hope lady.

[12:25] Thanks so much for listening to the Hope Is Powerful podcast. Subscribe now and join our Facebook group, the Power of Hope for more hope infusions until next time, keep looking up for Hope race.