Daft Monks
Two best friends. Both named Nate. One cyberpunk city full of terrible decisions.
Daft Monks mixes irreverent conversation with an improvised comedy adventure. Hosts Nate Casimiro and Nate Stalcup turn games, pop culture, and everyday frustrations into a world where corporations run everything and their heroes can barely manage the commute.
Meet Roy, a corporate overachiever convinced his promotion is coming, and Ash, an electrical worker who would prefer everyone leave him alone. Together, they stumble into trouble far beyond their job descriptions.
Start with Season 3, Episode 1: A Breakdown in Commute-ication. It introduces the city, the characters, and their first disastrous day. No earlier seasons are needed to follow this story.
Explicit language and adult humor. Earlier seasons remain available in the archive.
Daft Monks
A Walk Down Memory Plane
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Nate ranks various Dungeons and Dragons source books and materials and laments a recent jiu jitsu injury and getting old. Meanwhile, Belmont and Nayenezgani enter the portal swallowing their ancestral land in an effort to shut it down. But what starts as a happy stroll through Belmont's childhood ends with some uncomfortable realizations.
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The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in Daft Monks are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, characters and products is intended or should be inferred.
Hello and welcome to Nat One Presents, the Daft Monks Podcast. Back to our regular scheduled programming. Hey Nate. Hey Nate. How's it going? I missed Jock already.
SPEAKER_00He was great. If you're new to the podcast or you are continuing to listen and last episode is your first episode, welcome. We uh do a lot of that dumb role play shit, and then also instead of the interviewing part, we usually just uh have some like funny news and whatnot. So, Nate, hit us up with the first headline or first topic for today.
SPEAKER_04Okay. Normally I would bring to the table conspiracy theories, things I found intriguing on the internet, why I'm scared of technology and the internet. But we're going to change it up a little bit today. Nate, I want to talk about getting old. Now, I am almost 35 years old, which seems ancient. If you would have asked 20-year-old Nate, hey, you're gonna be 35, I would have been like, what do you got? Bad hips? I'm like, almost bad back. Try that. So I've been uh going back to jujitsu classes and I made the mistake of rolling with a white belt, which is uh the beginner level.
SPEAKER_00Is he dead?
SPEAKER_04No, no, actually, because we're talking about age, I'm the one who got extremely hurt.
SPEAKER_01Oh no.
SPEAKER_04So I tried a fancy move, it's called a uh worm lasso guard, and for those of you that don't know, which is probably everybody, all you do is take the lapel of their little ghee jacket and I wrap my leg around it, and that gives me complete control of his upper body. Well, this dude being fairly new, and me being rusty as shit, not having grappled for about a year and a half since I moved away from Arizona, I was a little bit slow on my reaction time. So when he made a movement, my heel went to my balls while my knee completely stayed in position and made the loudest pop I have ever heard a knee make. That is not on an Instagram video or YouTube. It was my knee, the one that I own, attached to my body. And it made the most horrific sound. And then immediately after I'm like, oh my god, Nate, you fucked up. You're old, you can't be doing this. You know, like what are you doing out here? Right now, I'm about 70%. They don't tell you when you're young about healing factor.
SPEAKER_00This is a great time to check in on your aynes, I would say. So uh listeners, a couple weeks ago, Nate Nate said that he uh is uh taking a break or quitting whatnot, his his ions, which right is uh eans, sorry, create uh creatine, uh caffeine, right, nicotine, and sedametaphene. Yeah, tylenol, basically.
SPEAKER_04How's that going given the state of your knee that you just totally well I've completely given up on the Tylenol, I had to take that right away, and uh the nicotine as well, considering I couldn't move and I get extremely bored and I'm a fidgeter, so I'm like, I need something, I need my fix. So I'm locked up on the couch with an ice pack on my knee, and I just I feel it's like those 80s movies, you know, where like the cop that's close to retirement, he's like, I'm too old for this shit, Murdoch, you know, and like two ice packs on the knees. Like I felt like that was my life at that time. But if we're gonna continue talking about age, I'm tired of finding gray hairs or my hair falling out when it's not supposed to be. They just don't mentally prepare you this. I felt like I just woke up one day and it's like, holy shit, you're old. Like, what happened?
SPEAKER_00But what's great about getting older is hopefully if you've been doing the right thing, you are making more money. Hopefully, you have a lot more freedom to buy dumb shit or do the things that you want. Hopefully, you know, don't have to live with family anymore, potentially, and no judgment if you do. But uh definitely I I think back all the time. Like all these movies are like, wouldn't it be cool to go back and do high school again? And I'm like, no, no, it wouldn't. Not at all. No, I'm I'm way happier now. I'm like, I've got money, I have my own home, I'm a homeowner, I have pets. I don't know, like I'm in a happy relationship. I'm like self-confident, you know, which I definitely wasn't in high school. Like, I'm just like, that was a terrible time. I would not want to do that again.
SPEAKER_04Right. And then honestly, Nate, like, are we talking about going back to our time in high school, or are we going to high school now? Because if we're going to high school now, there is no way I would even be able to communicate with these kids and they're slaying like that's cap or what the fuck ever they're saying nowadays. Like, that's that's what what makes me feel really old is hearing these kids talk. And I'm like, is this even fucking English? Like, what's going on out on the streets?
SPEAKER_00What would do it for me is because I I go back and forth of like, if you had the knowledge that I had now to go back in high school, wouldn't you be like so much like better at everything and handle everything better? But the thing is, today bullying is on another level, Nate.
SPEAKER_04Oh yeah, and then like instantly the whole school knows now. Like someone could like live broadcast it and be like, hey, this dude has a bugger in his nose, and now you're the booger guy.
SPEAKER_00Tara, I don't want to go back. I I I feel for children these days.
SPEAKER_04Oh yeah, I'm scared. God speed. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, Nate, I was I was really excited uh for our new listeners. If if you're not a new listener, you've heard me bring it up many times, but I was almost on a reality TV show, got to like the final casting part, and I did not make it onto the Squid Games reality TV show. But I have been searching the headlines because uh they have been really funny as of late. But lately it seems like they've like stopped, like everything's gone silent now. Like maybe they've narrowed down enough players where like if you talk to press, they're gonna know who you are or something.
SPEAKER_04Because how many originally started?
SPEAKER_00456 contestants.
SPEAKER_04Holy shit. So that would be really hard to find the mole out of 456 people.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, totally. So the first round, 227 went home. Oh like just the first round, and then that left, I think, like what, like 255 or I don't know, some kind of math. But now that was a couple weeks ago, so now definitely they're probably I think they might still be playing now. Like some poor, like sleep-deprived, like sickly person, like underfed, is like trying to win 400 4.56 million dollars right now, and it's not me. And I just hope it's not the fucking quirky guy who took my role.
SPEAKER_04Oh, I know. I already hate that guy. I don't even know who he is. I bet he was out in the first go round because he got too cold. He was like trying to be quirky, you know.
SPEAKER_00I hope so. I hope he got out. I hope he got out. I hope he flew all the way to the UK and got out on the first challenge and then had to go home. Yeah, serves him right. And got two pieces of pizza in the meantime. I hope he didn't get any of that fucking pizza. I hope someone ate his pizza nate. All right, Nate. I have a little challenge for you today. Uh, you don't have to do any research, just off the top of your head. It's been really popular on social media lately where people are like, they take like workouts or whatever, and they do like D tier, C tier, B tier, a tier, S tier. So I want you to either call out some classes or D and D books or expansions, and I want you to put them in tiers, like what's your S tier D D, and then like what's your D tier, um, and you know, whatever, anything in between.
SPEAKER_04Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_00And you don't have to go in order or anything like that, just like off top of your head, what's like we all know Ranger, right, is not hitting S or A tier for you.
SPEAKER_04Oh, okay. So automatically, right off the top of my head, player's handbook is going to be getting an A. It is the foundation for everything that we need to know. Playing Dungeons and Dragons. Immediately after that was the Sword Coast Adventurer's Guide, and that gets an F. If there's a class lower than F, I would give it that. Because that thing is complete garbage. It has classes such as the Purple Dragon Knight, which should just be eradicated completely from the DD metaverse because it does nothing, absolutely nothing. In fact, I played it in whatever episode that I was John Johnson. I was a purple dragon knight because I wanted to be the lamest fucking character I can make, and I picked a purple dragon knight. So yeah, good luck with that. S tier. I think really I like I like the Mordecines tome foes. It's mostly just demons and stuff, but I think there's a lot of good monsters and creatures in that book, and I enjoy using it. Xanthar's Guide to Everything. Also, I gave that an S tier because at the time it gave us pretty much the only good subclasses for a lot of people.
SPEAKER_00Was that when Whisper or no Glamour Bard came out, right? I think was Xanthers. That's it. Big favorite.
SPEAKER_04The Grave Cleric and things like that. Really good. I count the Magic the Gathering one as a part of everything. Eberon, what is it? No Planes of There's Eberon Rising, which was a good book, and then that's where we got um a lot of the uh artificer. Artificer. Artificer, yeah, there's a lot of good stuff in there. But there was uh one little like segment thing where it's it counts because it is Wizards of the Coast material, but it's it's not really DD Realm. I don't know if you remember, Nate. I played that fire cleric that was in that thing, and that shit was OP bananas. Like if there was an S Plus, it would be that Magic the Gathering Fire Cleric thing. Because you get fire stuff. I don't when did you play that? When did you play the fire cleric? I don't remember. So uh what campaign was it? I was the fire cleric, and then Jeff tried killing my sidekick that I stole or something. Was that sugar tits? No, it was a different sidekick. I steal a lot of NPCs. Yes, I steal a lot of NPCs. I stole this uh small child and told him that he's my sidekick, aka my uh Dick Grayson to my Bruce Wayne, and I guess that didn't sit well with Jeff. So he tried to have him assassinated or me assassinated, and I was so pissed I left by myself, broke into the Assassin's Guild, murdered every single assassin in there. There was probably 13 dudes in there, and then the master head assassin, and also murdered him because this as a fire cleric. Yes, because this fire cleric's channel divinity was that you can do max damage on your fire spells like twice. So I shot the biggest fireball that I could fucking shoot in there and automatic max damage no matter what. And Jesus, yo yeah, it was decimation, and so anybody looking for an OP fun class, Magic the Gathering fucking fire cleric.
SPEAKER_00If you want your friends to hate you, that sounds like a great class to play in DJ.
SPEAKER_04Oh yeah, and then uh obviously the biggest letdown ever was uh spell jammer. I didn't even bother buying it because all the reviews were so atrocious, so I'm gonna give that a uh rock solid D. That's the one you DM'd for us, right? I did my own version retrofitted off the fucking 80s spell jammer, but right before the fucking spell jammer module came out, which is a good thing I didn't waste my money on that spell jammer module because the biggest part of it is flying in a ship and going from planet to planet and doing all these things. They don't give you any rules on flying these ships or like time or anything like that, and it really takes you out of it. So I don't know if it was too hard for them to make something up with 5e or if this was just another money grab. Yes, yes, money grab. Oh, and then now actually, if you do have one of the first editions of that spell jammer edition that came out, it's going to be extremely rare, Nate, because they don't make that first edition anymore. Because come to find out there was a race in there that was of a monkey hybrid people that come to find out was extremely offensive. And yikes. Yeah, and then they proceeded to take that out.
SPEAKER_03So if you're one of the lucky few that has the monkey race book, you have the very racist.
SPEAKER_04Holy Wizards of the Coast spell jammer. Congratulations. Hang it up there with MindConf or whatever else you got in your library.
SPEAKER_00I like look in the back and it's like hanging on your wall.
SPEAKER_04Just that one page in this frame. I'm like, this thing's gonna be rare someday, Nate.
SPEAKER_00Well, that makes sense, right? Because we talked about last year how they started to roll back a lot of like, uh, you know, like goblins don't have to be, you know, whatever, this this nature and whatnot. So probably that all maybe started with uh that spell jammer edition.
SPEAKER_04Oh, I guarantee it because it was just this blatant monkey person jumping up and down on a ball wearing also offensive cultures from another culture, the the clothes it was wearing.
SPEAKER_00Yes. He's got like boxers pulled up and like it was terrible, baggy pants. That's ridiculous. Oh my gosh. Now I'm curious. Are you gonna look it up? Yeah, after this, after this podcast, we we learned last time. I'll let listeners in on a little secret last week when we had Jack on the show. My internet was shitting itself. So every so often in the episode, if you hear like one one part that might be obvious is like I say something, and then you hear Jack and Nate be like stunned into silence, I see, and then I I respond with something, but it's like, yeah, that was one of the many times I froze, and we just rolled with it, and then I tried to edit out as much as possible. So I think we still got a coherent episode, but I was just in and out of that call. I was so excited to meet Jack, and I really only got about a third of the time in there that I was expecting, but it uh it worked out. He was a real good sport, and we got a mostly decent episode out of it.
SPEAKER_04He was. I was more upset than he was. I was like, this never happens, I promise. I don't know what's going on with Nate.
SPEAKER_00I felt a little embarrassed, you know. Like I'm like business in the front, you're you know, a party in the back, like you're the funny guy, the funny voices, the soul of the show. But then I'm like got my T's crossed, my my eyes dotted, like I have like the software all ready, and then you know, it just shits the bed, my internet, which I think it's doing right now, actually.
SPEAKER_04As we said, it was, yes.
SPEAKER_00What a change is I could you hear me the whole time? I just saw your face freeze. That's the irony.
SPEAKER_04I couldn't hear you, but your face was completely frozen in a not very flattering classic.
SPEAKER_00Classic. Okay, well, we're gonna keep rolling with it, and we'll see how it goes. That's so funny. I summoned it, right?
SPEAKER_04But it worked out good for Van Helsing, your little pauses, because the way his character is, he doesn't listen to a lot of things, anyways. So he's like, I wasn't paying attention.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it worked, yeah. I I noticed no differences in your character, but like that time you actually probably couldn't hear me. But that's always how you play your character. So actually, until you've just said that, it didn't occur to me even that, oh yeah, he didn't hear what I said. That's probably why he said that. Because you say that anyway. That's that's so funny. So, anywho, today, listeners, we're gonna go back to last episode with Jack, was kind of uh, it is canon, but somewhere in the timeline, somewhere kind of doesn't fully make sense, so that's okay. But we're gonna go back to our mainline story, and we kind of have a split season uh this season currently where we've been following Van Helsing and his mentor bingo in in one uh area of the world, and then we have uh Belmont and his new companion Nayanizgeny. So this episode we'll be going back to that duo uh and exploring. So, Nada, what do you say? You ready to jump into some DD? Just kidding, it's actually not DD, it's whatever we play, which is Daphmunks replay.
SPEAKER_01I am ready. The darkness is approaching yet again. The vampires have outnumbered us four to one, and our odds are not in our favor. It seems as if all hope is lost.
SPEAKER_02I wouldn't quite say lost, as probably misplaced, or something along those lines. But either way, fear not, for Van Helsing and Belmont are here to save you.
SPEAKER_00Okay, welcome back to the show. Nate, as Van Helsing, it is your job to give an entirely inaccurate recap of I we usually recap the last episode, but the last episode was a guest episode, which I don't think we want to do. So what's the last sequential story episode? Can you give us the Van Helsing summary? Spark Note edition, as it were.
SPEAKER_02Alright, so there they were. Belmont, my dearest friend, was captured, and there was nothing I could do about it because I was stuck with that dreaded swami swindler bingo. And then he met a friend. Not as good of a friend as me, but apparently this friend is far more adequate at doing things like he's an actual monster slayer. If like that's important to you, I guess. I mean I bring the fun and the blackberries and hang out with women and do fun stuff, but whatever, if you want a real monster slayer friend, that's fine.
SPEAKER_04And then they talked about their lives or whatever, and then uh they witnessed Blake being brutally murdered. Naya did nothing really to help. I mean, as far as being adequate monster slayer, he really didn't do anything. And then he brutally threw my best friend through a window, and then threw him through another window out the second story, and then they fell down, they landed on Blade, and for some reason Belmont stripped Blade completely naked and stole his clothes. Now there's a naked dead blade in Dracula's moat.
SPEAKER_02They went through the blackberry bush to the Belmont estate, where they saw the most terrifying thing that I have probably ever seen. Okay, scratch that. Second most terrifying thing. I saw some things, but this was terrifying. It was Belmont's father just protruding out of the manor, and then he kind of poofed, I think. So that's where we left off.
SPEAKER_00Perfect. Thank you so much. That's exactly where we left off. So today's episode will be Belmont and Naezgeny jumping in, trying to see what's going on at the Belmont Estate. Uh well Naya, uh, that's very like my father to phase out of the room whenever I try to make contact with him. But as much as I'd like to go pursue him right now, we have to do something about this portal that's swallowing up this land.
SPEAKER_04Yes. My land, you mean?
SPEAKER_00Yes. Your land originally that was fairly bothered with my ancestors and is now it doesn't matter, whatever. It's our land. We can both come from the same place. It doesn't matter who has the deed, which is my family, but regardless, all I can see is my entire former house is like just sinking into this portal. I don't know what's going on. I don't know how to stop it. What do we do?
SPEAKER_04I've dealt with things like this before. The first thing we're gonna have to do is enter the portal. There is something inside that we need to take care of. There's usually an artifact or something that we need to break, or some kind of charm that needs to be discharmed. There is something inside, some unfinished business, if you will. I'm gonna go take care of it. And he just starts walking.
SPEAKER_00Oh I really don't want to walk in the portal of doom that my giant angelic demon father just came out of, but if you insist, I'll go with you. You don't have to do this on your own. I just imagine like you're already in the portal.
SPEAKER_04He's like, I'm already gone.
SPEAKER_00God damn it. He jumps in. And I'm gonna say, like, I imagine we get this like sensation of like falling and then like swirling memories around, and then at first they're very blurry, and suddenly like the blurriness starts to like come into focus. Okay, I I I think I think I know where we are, or or better yet, Naya, when we are.
SPEAKER_04I don't quite follow you. It looks the exact same, only you know, more lively around here.
SPEAKER_00I think we're looking at the past. This is this is my child home. This is what it the Belmont Manor used to look like 34 years ago, and this is the night I was actually born. I I don't remember it super fondly, but my mother told me the story many, many times. They called uh a midwife, and uh yeah, everybody everybody was was very excited for for my birth. And uh here, let's go f here, follow me. And we go up to this like door and we open it, and that brings us like right into like the top floor of the manor estate. Here, follow follow me now, I know what's going on. Here, listen. We open the door and you can see my father, my mother in labor on the bed, and then uh my two very young siblings. They're like very, very young at the time. I have like a brother and sister, and then uh we're just like in the room, but they can't see us. Yeah, they can't they can't see us, Naya. This is this is oh my gosh, I'm watching my own birth. Isn't that wild?
SPEAKER_04This is incredibly crazy. Let me check something. And he goes and like puts his hand through the floor and it just kind of phases through. It's like, oh, I see. This is your kind of deal. Uh what exactly are we doing here? Are you coming out of that lady right there?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean I don't know what you hear. You said something, some kind of resolution has to occur for this portal to to close and and stop sucking in the the land around it, so I guess that's let's let's see what we have to hear. Let's uh let's watch me get born, shall we? You hear Belmont's mother like screaming like really loudly, like, where is the midwife?
SPEAKER_04I'm here It's me, just the midwife, and this uh portly lady comes walking in with a surgical mask on. That voice sounds awfully familiar, Naya. I have never heard that voice before in my life. There could be something wrong with the enchantment. Maybe the spell is crossing your memories together, perhaps?
SPEAKER_00Yes, yes, that would make perfect sense. One, two, three, push! And you hear and then like a baby crying, like it's a beautiful baby boy.
SPEAKER_02Congratulations, Belmont's wife.
SPEAKER_00And uh Belmont's father is uh thank you, nurse.
SPEAKER_02Uh nurse Ratchet. That's my name. Nurse Ratchet. I just I came in on a ship. I'm new here. Oh. I just had to see this baby be born, and then I'm gonna be about my way. Congratulations on everything.
SPEAKER_00Oh, he's adorable. Carry on. And uh Van Helsing like hands the baby to uh Belmont's father. Oh, this is unique. And Belmont's mother's like, What do you mean, Victor? All Belmonts have the same birthmark. It's like some kind of curse we've had for as long as we can remember here on these lands. But well, Trevor doesn't seem to have it.
SPEAKER_04As the nurse is leaving, he takes off his mask and looks back at Mrs. Belmont. She's the only one looking at him right now, and he gives her a wink and a finger gun, and then he's out the door.
SPEAKER_00And uh Belmont's mother is like, Well, it's just a birthmark. Yeah, of course, of course, my dear. And everybody, like, the little kids come over and the baby's crying, and Wow. I think that was the last time my entire family was happy. And then quickly the room starts like swirling and blurring, and and then you're back in this like memory hallway. Naya, that room wasn't particularly helpful. Watching my birth wasn't really any any kind of resolution at all. I I don't really know what we're supposed to be doing here.
SPEAKER_04There has to be something here. Are you are you sure it needs to be like a conflict resolution? What w what if there's just something we need to destroy? Like that baby that came out of that lady. What if we need to destroy that baby?
SPEAKER_00No, no, it's haven't you watched Timeline or or any of those movies? Like we can't we can't fuck with that shit, man. Alright? No, we are passive observers, okay, Naya Cheech.
SPEAKER_04Oh, just like Quantum Leap. Okay.
SPEAKER_00Yes, just like that. Okay, ooh, look, uh, one of the doors is coming to focus again. I think I uh yes, I I know what this is. The door I kind of imagine it's like Nightmare Before Christmas, where there's like the Halloween door and the Christmas door. Like the doors are like decorated and like very like representative of like what you go, what you see on the other side. Yes, I love it. And so this door has like axes and weapons standing out and like cuts and scratches. I I remember this memory. This is a fond one. This is where I I did some of my monster hunter training with the family.
SPEAKER_04Oh, I guess I will follow you. I'd like to see what other people do to train for their monster slaying.
SPEAKER_00So he opens the door, and inside is like there's like swinging logs and like like these, like all these like things like throwing weapons and like uh these kind of like counter objects that you're trying to avoid and dodge. You can see three children, uh two older ones, my Belmont's brother and sister, and then myself kind of off to the side. And you can see that Belmont's brother and sister are like perfectly navigating the entire obstacle course, like like just seamlessly, like very like Azula energy, flipping through, like in sync with each other. They're basically like twins. You hear Belmont's father like, Yes, yes, very good, very good. You guys are excellent. And maybe one day Belmont will pick up on at least a percentage of what you guys are able to accomplish. And he looks over and like grimaces at me. See, now this was just like my dad. Like nothing I could do ever amounted to anything. Like they they he wanted me to be like my siblings, but they were perfect. They were they were his perfect children, and I was just this piece of shit who couldn't do a backflip into a uh somersault into a dagger throw. It was ridiculous. The expectations were too high for a seven-year-old.
SPEAKER_04Hmm, I don't know about that. Those kids are good. You can't be like those kids. I mean they're they're pretty good. I'd let them fight with me. Come on, Naya. Like what what were you doing when you were seven years old? Slaughtering beasts. One was rampant through my village, and at seven years old, I single-handedly destroyed it with a spear.
SPEAKER_00Okay, we get it. You're the son of a sun god. God damn it. I don't know why that keeps coming up. That's fine. I just don't get it, you know. Like at one point, watch, Bellermont, you're no son to me. Get out. And I like say it like in sync as like my father says it with me, and I'm like, who says that? That is so hurtful.
SPEAKER_04I mean, if you want the title of monster slayer, then you know you kind of have to be that good. I mean, look at you as a seven-year-old kid. You're obviously a little overweight and pudgy, and there's a little bit of hair on your lip at this point.
SPEAKER_00I uh it's really awkward. It just puberty hit me really early, Naya, and it was weird. It just all the weight in the hair, it all happened at once. Like, I had to start shaving, and my dad wouldn't even teach me how to shave, Naya. I had to learn how to shave. Do you know how hard it is when you're seven-year-old to shave? Do you know how many times I butchered my face completely? No, I've never shaved in my life. This smooth, natural skin. God damn it, you don't look a day over 230. Going on 26.
SPEAKER_04Well, thank you for the compliment.
SPEAKER_00Must be all that jujitsu you've been doing. Anywho, uh, wait, this is this part kind of haunts me still. Watch watch this. You see like little Belmont like get up on the office course again, and he clumsily like stumbles through a lot of it, and he's getting through it, and he's mostly fine. And then you see his little brother from like, he's like up high up in the air, and his little brother's like, Hey, watch this. Hey, fat lard, and like throws something, and it like it's just like something small, and it hits Belmont in the head, and he like turns around and was like, Why did you and then like a log like smashes him in the head, and then just literally everybody starts laughing. His brother, his sister, even his dad's like, Ho ha ha ha ha, you're no son to me.
SPEAKER_03Look over and Naya's laughing.
SPEAKER_00Naya, what the hell? This is this is damaging. I I've been recovering from this. I still haven't recovered this, and I'm in a full-grown adult now.
SPEAKER_04That log totally smashed you in the face.
SPEAKER_00The worst part, Naya, after all of this, was that I had a personal trainer. I had a coach there, and he was not helpful at all. Like, in fact, anything he taught me, that just made my father more angry.
SPEAKER_04It like shimmers a little bit and like fast forwards in time and the memory. And then there's a uh man there wearing a turban, and his face is partly covered. He looks a little portly.
SPEAKER_02Now, if you fall down again, just pick up a handful of dirt and throw it in their eyes. We call that pocket sand. It's the most strategical maneuver that one can do against slaying the monsters.
SPEAKER_00Belmont, don't listen to that coward. Learn to fight like a real man.
SPEAKER_04I am a swami and a personal trainer, and I shall get this child into shape, this beautiful young man child with strong bone structure.
SPEAKER_02I will help him.
SPEAKER_00You just see Belmont like walking off in the dist-Belmont's father, rather, walking in the distance, and he's like, why do we keep hiring this guy?
SPEAKER_02I'm a different guy. I promise.
SPEAKER_00That voice, oh, it haunts me to this day. That trainer who taught me nothing. Do you know one time he told me to oh my god? No, that can't be right. He told me to to punch somebody in the stomach when they weren't looking. That was his best tip. I did that in school once and got in huge trouble.
SPEAKER_02It's called a sucker punch! Is the memory still playing in the background?
SPEAKER_00Naya, I think my memories are caving in on each other. That sounds like Van Helsing, he's invading my fucking memories.
SPEAKER_04You sure care a lot about your friend for him to continually barge into your memories like this. It's totally intrusive and uncalled for. Did you see the trainer though when he turned away and took off his mask and turban? He looked just like the nurse when she turned away. There must be a family of helpful people living in your little village here.
SPEAKER_00So they walk out and the hallway, you know, continues to like fade in and out of focus and is like, this is horrible. I'm not I don't know what the hell we're supposed to do, but except for just opening random doors to painful memories. But whatever, let's see what's in this one.
SPEAKER_04You sure you you haven't seen any correlation so far? Like, I've seen a couple point A's to point B's.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, the correlation is my family is awful. I had a terrible childhood, and uh everything sucks, Naya. But did I miss something? Hmm.
SPEAKER_04No.
SPEAKER_00Keep going. This is great.
SPEAKER_04Great. Remember we got smashed in the face with that log?
SPEAKER_00They go into the next room and it actually it's like the family, the whole family's in a wagon together. Belmont's like, Mom, are we there yet? I'm so tired. And Belmont's dad's like, Oh, hush you. Learn to be patient, like your brother and sister. And they're just like making faces at him and like whatever. Then after a couple seconds, the like sister's like, Driver, when will we arrive there at Heron Vineyard?
SPEAKER_02Ah yes, Heron Vineyard. It's right around the corner, I believe. I'm not the best at navigating or anything like that.
SPEAKER_00No, no, no. I Belmont like climbs out of the carriage in his memory and like comes up and like sits like in the seat next to like Van Helsing, the driver. That that seems he's like, no, you cannot possibly be in my memories. You get the fuck out of here, Van Helsing. Get out of here right now, and wherever the real driver is, put him back in this memory.
SPEAKER_04There's a fat portly man with a driver's coat and hat on with driving gloves, but also wearing two eye patches for some reason.
SPEAKER_03He's the driver, yes.
SPEAKER_02I think we're almost there. I'm guessing at this point.
SPEAKER_00We're not even on the road. The town does a terrible job at maintaining these roads and highways. Honey, don't be so cruel to the driver. He's doing the best he can.
SPEAKER_03Thanks, babe.
SPEAKER_00This is horrible, Naya. Naya, are you here? Where are you?
SPEAKER_04I've been here the whole time.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Very helpful, Naya. Do you know this? This was a terrible trip. Not only did it take six hours to go a 40-minute trip to Heron Vineyard, but also when we got there, my dad freaked the fuck out. Well, here, you'll see, you'll see, watch. And so they arrive at Heron Vineyard, and it's supposed to be uh Belmont's christening, um, actually. Uh what whatever, what what do they call that? There's like baptism, first communion, and then what's after that? You get confirmed. It's his confirmation, we'll say Belmont gets confirmed confirmed, and uh he's like, this was supposed to be a really big deal. Like, honestly, when you're a kid, you usually get thousands of bucks for these types of things. But I was what I got instead was my dad's uh unending anger and just uh fury. And as so they're walking through and they're going like down the hallway, and this cuts back to if you remember at Aaron Vineyard when we were there a few episodes ago, there was these like stained glass like paintings, right?
SPEAKER_05Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_00Or murals or whatnot. And we remember a few episodes that one of them was actually like shattered or like completely like destroyed. We couldn't see what it was. You see, just you know, totally cool and calm and collected, Belmont's father looking at each one. He, you know, he's just observing, like, okay, it looks like some kind of darkness setting over the land, and then a vampire. And then suddenly the last one is this beautiful mural of a portly figure with a mustache holding a child in a blackberry bush, surrounded by back blackberries, with a sun behind his head. And Belmont's father just loses it. He picks up like the nearest like thing on the ground, like I don't know, like a like a candle, like a for confessional or something, and just throws it through the window and it smashes. Everywhere. I see this man everywhere I go. I can't look at my son without seeing his face.
SPEAKER_04All of a sudden, a uh fat portly friar comes up with a big burly mustache.
SPEAKER_02Aw, that was my favorite one! I can't believe you broke that. You know a fortune teller came in and told us that that's gonna be the future, you know, and then that's why it's on the glass. Belmont's like, Friar, are you are you here to do my confirmation? Of course I am, little Belmont. You're my best little buddy, aren't you?
SPEAKER_00See, Naya, I don't get it. Like, he just loses his mind, starts ruining property of the church. I just I don't I don't understand. I was just trying to be happy and exist, you know.
SPEAKER_04Honestly, I'm gonna have to let you um figure this out on yourself. Um I figured it out probably two, maybe three memories ago. But if you can't get it, that's probably why we're still stuck here. So you go ahead and you figure that out, and I will quietly watch. I'm gonna go back to the room where you got hit in the face with that log.
SPEAKER_00Because that shit was hilarious. Fine. I don't need your help anyway, Naya. Go go have fun watching my face get knocked in.
SPEAKER_04He somehow is perfectly able to navigate this dreamscape.
SPEAKER_00Like he just like phases out.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, waves a hand and a door appears, and it opens up and it's right back to the training room and the log smashing you.
SPEAKER_00I go to like grab that door and it phases away. I'm like, oh, okay. I have to like walk the long way down the hallway of Heron Vineyard Church back to like the front entrance, and I open that, and it brings me back to the hallway. Now you're seeing something I'm not. I need to open my eyes and see what's in front of me. And just then like the hallway disperses, and then like a single door opens up. And it's very dark and it's very like stormy. There's like there has some of the glass panes that are shattered, and there's like lightning behind it, and like okay, well, I I know what this memory is, and maybe maybe this will help me piece it all together. Belmont opens the door, pushes it through, and he's at the Belmont Estate late at night during a stormy night and he's still fairly young and he can hear his parents fighting. He like gets out of bed and opens the door and is like, Mom, Dad and they can't hear him because they're just fighting like so loud, and he keeps going, he like slowly opens their like door and pushes their door open. We hear Belmont's father like with him of all people, how could you? Uh Belmont's mother is like, Please, Vincent, please, he's he's still your son. He's no son of mine. And they're just like bickering. I don't understand. Like that night they were fighting. This is the night, and actually he goes up to the window, he's like, I know it happens here. And he looks out the window and he sees his mom like go out the door with her bags packed, and there's a Latout tents wagon just parked outside, and he gets in, and then or she gets in.
SPEAKER_02Nothing to see here. My name is just Leo Letootes, proprietor of Letout's tents. Um, obviously, based on the branding on the side of the wagon. I am merely taking her to a hotel, I promise, for the night. Um, she'll be perfectly safe. Um, we love each other. Bye. Oh hey, Passan! And he's like waving up to the window.
SPEAKER_00This is like really high, like super far away, and he like somehow zeroes in on Belmont, little Belmont. And Belmont's like, Dad? Who are you calling dad? Me or the Toots driver. I don't know what you're talking about. Go to bed. I've had enough for this tonight. And he like goes and slams the door. Alright, I'm uh my mom has a thing for Van Helsing. Boom, portal solved. Uh disperse! Uh he's like trying to like just wait and nothing happens, and then like the memory disperses, and then Naya is just like standing there again.
SPEAKER_04Eating uh blackberries from one of your other memories. I think you need to go deeper than this. Like, yes, your mother loved this Van Helsing character, obviously, but really contemplate. Man, I miss these blackberries.
SPEAKER_00Okay, fine. Let's go to the blackberries. Immediately the surroundings change, and my mom's like in a sun hat like with little Belmont, and Belmont's like, Mom, can I go pick some more blackberries? Okay, but make sure you put your sunscreen on and and go with the gardener.
SPEAKER_02Come on, boy, let's go pick these delicious blackberries. You know, you have to be careful out here and put on the sunscreen because you're not quite like these other Belmonts, you know, you have a fair skin, much like I do, and we need to make sure we're covered from the dreadful, terrible sun. I bet there's some kind of god up there just bearing down upon us, just judging us, you know. But let's go pick these blackberries.
SPEAKER_00He doesn't know how right he is. Belmont goes and he's like, I got it on my own. I don't need you, gardener. And he goes and like starts picking, and he's out there for a while, and he's like, Alright, this should be enough. And as he comes out of the bush, Van Helsing is just totally banging his mom.
SPEAKER_02Yes, you like that? Of course you do.
SPEAKER_00Oh my god. I don't I don't remember this. I must have suppressed this, repressed it. I don't know. Oh my god, they're not stopping. Disperse, disperse. No, this is going to keep going.
SPEAKER_03Naya, do something, please. He's just eating the eating some more blackberries. Like, I don't mind it.
SPEAKER_00Okay, okay, I get it. I get it. I'm not a I'm not a Belmont. And suddenly everything like just like melts away, and uh they're just like out in the field of of the Belmont estate, not in the house anymore. And it kind of seems almost serene and normal. Alright, Naya. I I won't deny it anymore. Van Helsing is a bigger part of my life than I ever want to admit. I I thought he was invading my memories, but he's just always been there.
SPEAKER_04And how does that make you feel? Like shit. Yes. Deservedly so, I'm sure. But this memory that we're in now in this field seems awfully familiar to me as well. Oh look, there's my great grandfather talking to what is he's got the Belmont crest that you wear. Who is that?
SPEAKER_00Oh my god, that's my great-great-great-great great-great grandpappy. Brrr Balenciaga. Balenciaga Belmont. I'm so mad at names date, it's wild.
SPEAKER_04BB for short, I'm sure you called him.
SPEAKER_00No, we called him Balenciaga. Anyway, uh yeah, no, this is I know what this is, and this will settle the dispute, Naya. This is where my family fairly purchased the land from your tribe.
SPEAKER_04Observe. As they're uh trying to make some kind of arrangement together, you see that Belmont uh Balenciaga uh pulls out a dagger and just stabs the chief in the back and he falls down dead.
SPEAKER_03And you look over at Naya, who is just staring you down with an I told you so look. And then the blood is pouring out into the blackberry bushes, and now all of a sudden they're growing more and like more fruitful.
SPEAKER_04Hmm. Yes, you told me, alright.
SPEAKER_00Ooh, well this is uncomfortable, but hey, wait, what's this going on? Why are the rest of your like natives who could have clearly just went and killed probably my entire family, why are they laughing and like grouping up over there?
SPEAKER_04Oh, it's a funny story, you see. They believed that this was going to happen. Like it was a sure thing. So the chief did a blood ritual on himself that if his blood were to spill into this field, it would forever be cursed, and the family that owns the field would also be cursed for pretty much ever.
SPEAKER_00Wait, so you're saying my family is cur well, okay. That's kind of his fault, but your family cursed my family, and that's why my daddy doesn't love me. And then suddenly, like, all of the memories like completely melt away, and then we're back at the portal. I guess we did get some closure. I feel better already, don't you, Naya? No, not at all. But the portal isn't closed. What's going on? I we I think I like my stuff is complete here.
SPEAKER_04Obviously, you need to go in first this time, and I will follow. And there must be some kind of trivial trial that I need to do as well for this portal to fully close. I don't understand the magic completely, but I guess since both of us walked in.
SPEAKER_00How do you like it? And I just jump in the portal.
SPEAKER_04Damn it. And I knew that he stole this land. Get back here. And he comes running in after you.
SPEAKER_00And we'll call it there for today. Solid, solid, Nate. Nate, thank you so much. So next week we will go back to uh Krocher Burger and check in with Van Helsing, who uh what do you think, Nate? Uh Van Helsing's not doing so hot. Is that pretty safe to say?
SPEAKER_04Oh yeah, he is miserable. He misses his son Belmont. Um he's getting pretty tired of Bingo's shenanigans, but I think he also kind of wants to see where it leads to see if he can stop him from basically taking over the daylight while Dracula rules the nighttime.
SPEAKER_00We might see the first fully formulated ethical plan from a Van Helsing. Maybe. Sorry, from Van Helsing Sr. Are we gonna start calling Junior?
SPEAKER_02Oh, my little Helsing, I knew you would do it. You you make your daddy so proud.
SPEAKER_00All right, Nate. Thank you so much, listeners. Thank you for checking back in again, and we will join you next week for another exciting adventure of Daft Monks. If you like the show, feel free to leave a rating on Spotify, or leave a review on Apple Podcasts, or feel free to share your favorite episode with your friends and family on social media. Help us get some extra plays.
SPEAKER_04And if you really love us, uh don't we have like a subscribe thing or something, Nate, or something like that?
SPEAKER_00We totally do. This useless software that keeps freezing on me uh does in fact cost money, Nate. Uh not a whole lot, but uh we'd love to get to uh break even on some of the editing software we use to produce this show. So feel free, just hit the episode link or the support our show link in the episode description, and you can right there from that page uh do a simple what, I don't know, $3 contribution or whatnot, and uh we would greatly appreciate it and give you a shout out on the show.
SPEAKER_04Yes, we will. Herschelberger, His Scherberger.
SPEAKER_00Thank you and good night.
SPEAKER_04Bye.
