S3:E17 Portrait of Resilience, Adaptation and Adoption: The Miracle of Life with Matt

As your host, I'm thrilled to welcome our guest, Matt, a beacon of hope and resilience who brings us an extraordinary tale of adoption, medical adversity, and the quest to find, define and anchor to his family roots. Born as a premature baby with an array of health complications, Matt's story begins with a life-threatening situation, taken under the wing of a compassionate doctor and his nurse practitioner wife, who later become his adoptive parents. This episode is a testimonial to the power of love and the importance of a supportive family, as Matt grows up surrounded by constant care.

Prepare yourself to listen with deep intent as Matt narrates the fascinating turns he encounters while searching for his biological family due to ongoing health concerns. Embarking on a journey which takes him down a path laden with emotion, Matt's DNA test results lead to a potential first cousin and an overwhelming number of matches to cipher through and ultimately leads to a very large family. His account of balancing commitments, as he sifts through newfound information, is as inspiring as it is stirring. Hold your breath as he shares the moment of his first interaction with his biological mother and siblings, shedding light on the emotional whirlwind that comes with discovering one's identity.

Lastly, our conversation with Matt unveils the ironic twists and turns of his life, as he talks about the tragic passing of his biological father and the subsequent ripple effects on his family. He reveals the surprising proximity of his biological siblings, emphasizing the need for emotional readiness when embarking on such a journey. This episode is not just about Matt's journey, but also about how the aftereffects of trauma than can ripple through both adoptees and their biological families. Ultimately, Matt's story is a true embodiment of resilience, leaving us with a profound sense of hope. There is no doubt you will be moved and inspired as you tune in.

When it comes to the amplification of male adoptee voices, it is crucial to recognize the unique experiences and perspectives they bring to the table. Each male adoptees has a valuable role to play in helping to shape the narrative around adoption by providing insights into their own personal journeys. This six-episode series is taking us on a spectacular journey of meaningful conversations, were male adoptees have been empowered to share their stories, break down stereotypes, and contribute to a greater understanding of the adoption experience as a whole. 

Find your people, cherish your people and love your people.

#adoptee #adoptees #adopteevoices #adopteestories #adopteestrong #adoptionreality #adopteejourney #adoption #wanderingtreeadoptee 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Wandering Tree Podcast. I am your host, Lisa Ann.

Speaker 2: 0:14

Pardon me if I get emotional here, because this is definitely the part that is always the heart. I think I'm going to get through it and it's just, it's just, it's so surreal stuff. But I got a message.

Speaker 1: 0:37

Welcome to today's episode. It has been a pleasure to work with the male adoptee voices and, as we continue forward with this series, I am encouraged by one of our storytellers today. His name is Matt. He has one of those. He has one of those journeys where, as you listen, your heart's going to be pulled out of your chest, then it's going to be put back in in such a joyous way and you're going to be shaking your head under the premise of there are never two adoptee journeys that are exactly the same. And so, with that, I'd like to welcome you to today's show, matt, and turn it over to you so you can tell our listeners a little bit about Matt and kick us off with your birth story.

Speaker 2: 1:24

Oh, yeah, sure. So thanks first and foremost for having me. It's an honor to share the story. But yeah, things got off to a pretty rocky start, I guess you could say, in my life. I was born three months early and I was born on Florida's east coast.

Speaker 2: 1:43

When I was born, there were several complications, including a brain bleed, collapsed lungs and some heart issues that are common with preemies. There was a doctor who was called in you know responding pediatrician who was called in for his opinion and whether or not my life was viable, because at that time the local hospitals in the Cocoa Beach, cape Canaveral area didn't really have any NICU facilities and he came in and took a look. I had had a. The umbilical cord had been wrapped around my head too, so they had to deal with that. My birth mother really didn't even get it did not get any chance to hold me. They had to take me from her right away. She was able to snap one picture and I'll hit on that a little bit later, but yeah, so it was a very dire situation and the doctor they called in had done his medical training at the University of Florida up in Gainesville, which is about three hours from the hospital where I was born and there was a NICU there. At the time Orlando was still in the middle of developing kind of a NICU facility there's wasn't complete. It wouldn't be complete for a few more years. So the only option was to airlift me via helicopter to Gainesville. I could get more work done there and you know, the doctor essentially came in and said he looks like he's a fighter. I think I think he can make it if we got to get him up there now.

Speaker 2: 3:09

So I was rushed up there and my biological parents at that point were told with everything we're seeing, you know, we hope he survives. If he does, he's going to be in intensive care for a while. With the type of stroke that he's had. It's going to probably impact his motor skills. He may have some partial paralysis and some mild cerebral palsy. It's going to take a miracle from the living.

Speaker 2: 3:37

If he does, there's going to be lots of care needed for, if not his whole life, certainly the first stretch throughout childhood basically. So I was indeed in intensive care up in Gainesville for I believe it was six weeks, maybe a couple months, maybe three months at most, but at that point my biological parents knew that they were already in a spot with their first son where they were struggling to make ends meet and provide for him and the thought of having to basically tend to him and a child who would need around the clock medical supervision. The best way I think they phrased it was that they had to give me up to save me, to give me a fighting chance, and you know that that was apparent to basically everybody. That kind of parlays into the adoptive family experience, that whole how that all transpired.

Speaker 1: 4:40

You know what a gut wrenching decision biological parents have to make in the long in this long haul. You're here today, so a decision that allows you to have a life is is hard to counter against. It's hard to say it was a bad decision or that you were torn away from your family. You know it's just really hard to put our mindsets around the common narrative, around relinquishment or needing to make a life, a life saving decision in your case. This is a great place, then, for us to segue into the conversation about who adopted you, because there is such great joy around that piece of your story as well.

Speaker 2: 5:26

Yeah. So you know, fate would have it, the doctor who was called in and responded and the spit on this in the hospital the very start was one of the parents who adopted me my mom, my adoptive mom, is a nurse practitioner and they worked as pediatricians in the central Florida area over the past 40 years. So I was adopted into a home where, right away, there were two people who, when they were home, could take care of me and also would just know the best steps and resources to use to make sure that I made it and the switch over to that. I think I was in foster care for a brief amount of time, but you know there was all kinds of things that turned out really positive with this and I know that, due to their positions, you know, as pediatricians, that certainly expedited the approval process. It was done through, I know it was done. It was a private, closed adoption through Catholic services, but you know, even then the state still has to eventually at some point, you know, make sure that all looks good. But had they not been in the position, the career positions that they were, I'm sure that could have taken longer and that could be a whole another issue. But yeah, so lots of positives, and I know that I'll be the first to say I know that I'm extremely fortunate that that was the case, because not everyone who is put up for adoption has an experience like that. But I also think it's important, like you mentioned earlier, to make people aware that you know there are each case is different and there are plenty of examples where the adoption experience is a very positive one.

Speaker 2: 7:07

You know, I tell people when I talk about I mean I call him my dad because he is my dad, my adoptive dad being my hero. You know there's almost everyone says that their dad's their hero, but I like to think that it carries extra weight when I say it, and I've I've expressed that to him through my whole life and with my mom too, because you know she was the one who was home more than him, even though they both worked at the, at their own pediatric practice. She was home more than him and she was the one who put in the legwork, you know, doing mom's taxi and all that with me, getting me to the right places and therapies and working with me on all those things. At the same time they had another adoptive child, my adoptive sister, who was also adopted by them from a different family in central Florida. Around her birth. I actually don't know. She never really looked too much into her birth story or wanted to know. You know her experience with my adoptive family has been nothing but positive. That's what actually why she'd, like I said, she didn't really go looking.

Speaker 2: 8:05

They also had two biological sons who were 11 and nine years older than me respectively. So I came in as the youngest and really from day one those two older brothers looked at me as if I was, you know, their real biological blood brother and stood up for me, looked out for me, did everything you would want a good older brother to do, and I know it wasn't always probably a blast for my sister and three brothers around, but at the same time, you know, it also gave her kind of a special place in the family. There's nothing like, you know, a father-daughter relationship and I know that was always positive with her and my mom loved also having a girlfriend. Obviously we're only two years apart. She was in the house with me through basically most of high school.

Speaker 2: 8:52

My older brothers had moved out by the time I was just in elementary school for college, but we still all keep in touch. All but one of them live in the same area. One of them, my second oldest brother, is actually a professor of physics at Yale. So talk about a lot to live up to Academic expectations. But the cool thing is, you know, as gifted as he is and everything, he's always been 100% humble with me and been one of my biggest encouragers, as well as my oldest brother.

Speaker 2: 9:25

Sean Corey and Shannon are their names and very Irish. All of our first and middle names are Irish. I won't say last name, but it's obviously an Irish last name and lots of Irish history. But that'll become a coincidence later on and what we can get to. But it's really an interesting story because just having that kind of introduction to the world, you know a lot of things could have gone the wrong way. That then you know. I know the star is really aligned and I can tell you that. I know not everyone has religion or faith, but for me personally it's always been to me a reminder of and what my opinion is. You know God's hand and things. I know some people might dismiss that, but I think even for someone who's not religious, you can take a look at this and say wow, whatever you want to call it. It's neat to see that there are cases where positive things happen, and it's not always a negative sequence of events.

Speaker 1: 10:18

I really like that about your story, matt, and I want to take a couple of steps back.

Speaker 1: 10:22

Your situation started out as medical, clinical and, you know, transitioned into a need and just the stars aligning Again. However, you want to put it, those things that you know aligned for you and it transitioned though from this medical clinical need long-term care into really a true family unit. We have talked now this is our second time together in conversation and each time I have heard in your storyline just the absolute love and respect you have for your family and the unit that you guys are, and I do agree it is important to acknowledge not only the male adoptee voices but also the normalization of a narrative around this where it is okay to be comfortable as an adoptee and to have had a positive perspective. So thank you for sharing that with the listeners. It just elevates us all to other ways of thinking about our journeys, because they are not the same. As we are moving forward, kind of, with your story, I think that we want to get into the, so you did search. How did that all come about? How did that come to fruition?

Speaker 2: 11:40

Yeah, that's interesting too. So again, I hate to belabor medical things, but I guess it's been almost two years now. About a year and a half ago I was really having some stomach issues that were bothering me and as a quick side note I'll say that that childhood growing up I was in I didn't have to go to physical therapy. Those first eight years I had some digestive issues. I had to overcome partial paralysis in the left side of my body, learned to swim with just my right hand. At first. Things like that came a long way into fight expectations, thanks to my parents and my own determination. The stomach thing was something that was persistent as far as digestive issues and lots of just pain growing up. It seemed to subside for a few years once I got into college, up until about my late 30s, where a lot of people will tell you that's when your body starts slowing down again or problems start showing up. And also there was a significant event that contributed to it and that I had my first child, or only child. He was born a couple of years ago and the combination of seeing my first relative in a sense for that for blood relative for the first time along with I was sick of going to a medical professional and when they would say, well, what's your family history? Having to say, well, your guess is the good is mine, because in this state of Florida those are all adoption records are completely sealed and I had never really pressed my adoptive parents too much because, one, I knew it was a closed adoption and two, there was only so much they could even tell me if they tried. So submitted a 23 and me DNA test and at that point it was just something I kind of did. To be honest, I don't even remember at that point how much of it was medical curiosity versus wanting to see if there was any family connections on there. But it was funny I shouldn't say funny. It was interesting listening to some of your other podcasts guests, because it's so crazy how often it happens where someone will submit the DNA to 23 and me or ancestry, they get it back and then it's like, oh great, a bunch of third or second cousins. Well, this taught me nothing. Lots of frustration.

Speaker 2: 13:52

And then, sure enough, a couple of years go by, I hadn't even logged back in and that led up to, right before my stomach issues started flaring up again. There was a message I got forwarded from 23 and me to my email so that I logged back in and there was this. It said possible first cousin. And he said hey, I saw your adoption story. I was adopted, too, down in Fort Lauderdale in the late 70s or mid 70s. Do you happen to know anything about our family history? And I said, unfortunately I don't have anything right now, but I'll certainly let you know.

Speaker 2: 14:25

And that was back in 2019, right around the same time this stomach stuff started flash forward. It was February this past year. This year I had just made an appointment to go back to my doctor to go over some results for a test I had taken up for my stomach and everything. And again, crazy, weird coincidence I got a message from someone in 23 and me and it said hi, I'm your second cousin and I may have some family information for you that might be helpful. I saw your adoption piece on your bio on your profile on here. Your aunt was my grandmother. Let me make sure I have that right.

Speaker 1: 15:05

Well, this is the tricky thing about the connections of DNA that we all go through, and you are absolutely right. I have spoken of this in previous episodes too. While you're looking where I was inundated, I have now up to 15,000 matches. That just boggles my brain, and, having tried to do the whole detective work and effort that went into that, I am yeah. I'm very attuned to what that struggle is. Yeah and you know, because it just overwhelms you, yours, you have no idea what to do, you know so yeah, I'm actually all right, so yours is is what's your connection to?

Speaker 1: 15:48

so I to the reach out.

Speaker 2: 15:50

I was able to pull up the message right here in my archive and so the first correspondence, one of the first things he sent, was your grandmother was my aunt. She passed away in in 2004 in Merritt Island, and Then she said her name is listed. And then she listed the name, and I believe your grandfather's name was, and then she, you know, said a name, and then she said I have not seen any of her children since I was a little girl you may be able to read some of them by going through her obituary and I still I believe they still live in that area, best of luck. So I messaged her back, because when you hear someone say your grandmother was my aunt, there's still a good amount of digging to do, and I liked to joke with my friends and my close friends and family that when she said your grandmother was my aunt.

Speaker 2: 16:39

I'm a big fan of Comedy movies and the first thing I thought of was there's a line in the 80s comedy, spaceballs. It's a spoof on Star Wars, luke, you know I'm your father, but instead he says the guy's parroting them say he says I am your father's Nephews, cousins, former roommate, something like that. That's what it felt like to me, like you hope, to get a closer connection. And even when someone says your grandmother was my aunt, you know there's still a lot of digging to do. So I I messaged with her a few times and then found out that the Grandmother she was referring to had 10 Children. So I, at least at that point, knew okay, there's 10 of them, but I didn't know if it was maternal or paternal.

Speaker 1: 17:29

So let's just take a pause there for a minute, matt. I mean, 10 of something is overwhelming.

Speaker 2: 17:34

Yeah, and I'm gonna be glad it. Math is this.

Speaker 1: 17:37

And it is. It is a lot, especially when you're not clear on what you're looking at. And to to correlate and be relational with you on this one I have you know I said just moments ago 15k connections. I Should also restate my biological mother was one of 13 in the second family.

Speaker 2: 18:01

Yeah, I remember. You tell me how big it was.

Speaker 1: 18:03

Yeah, yeah, and so it is. It's extremely overwhelming. What I love about what you've shared with the listener so far is the fact that it is overwhelming, and you know you're acknowledging it, but you also found some humor in it. Yeah, I think that is right, really important as well. Yeah continue with us on your path to some of your biological discoveries.

Speaker 2: 18:25

Yeah, and so in my career, one of the things I do on a regular basis involves working with what's called search engine optimization, which is where you work with Digital content online, do what you can to ensure that it has the best chance to show up when people are doing their own research For certain things. So I consult with businesses and organizations what not? So that when they have important information they want to get out, but there's lots of competition for it I give them the right ingredients to make sure that their content shows up for the right searches. So with that background, it definitely helped me. And I won't say the last name, but then the last name was, I'll put it this way if there was a Smith Version, if there was an Irish version of Smith this was basically that past name was and, and, so that I knew as soon as I saw that that, well, great, there's gonna be all kinds of stuff I have to rule out. And it almost became like I almost felt like a private investigator or a detective. You know you wait into that and you have to say, okay, well, this timeline rules this person out, and then you have to make sure that you're not looking at it different family with the same and a family that's got the same last name but not Biologically related to. So that, I would say, took a few days and I was keeping in touch with that second cousin. And I guess I want to take that quick chance to say if you are on one of these DNA sites, don't give up hope because you only see a second cousin, because, as this proved, one of those Second cousins which you've seen in several of your interviews can be the key that ultimately, you know, unlocks the door and then the rest eventually falls like a house of cards.

Speaker 2: 20:05

So what was so crazy about it for me was I eventually got to the point where I knew I had seven aunts and Three uncles at least. Well, seven aunts where one of them could be a mother and Three uncles where one of them could be a father, because I didn't know if it was maternal or paternal. So I said, okay, well, I'll go look for any photos I can find Using those search engine skills, and at first couldn't find any photos of the of the men. But I found a couple of the aunts, or Potential moms, and I was looking and I thought, okay, wow, this one, she looks like she is a potential mom. And I started, I started taking some of the photo editing software that I have to make them, you know, side by side and do those kind of comparisons and everything. And I was pretty well convinced that was my mom because of this, some of the similarities, and I looked at the age and I saw the age was she would have been in her I want to say 17 or 18, upper teens but and I thought, well, maybe that maybe she's too young. But then I realized, well, it actually would make perfect sense actually if it was someone who had to, you know, deal with adoption. So I thought, well, I still need to look at the males just to make sure, but I don't know how that'll happen.

Speaker 2: 21:21

And I reached back out to that second cousin and she said, hey, I was on my ancestry account and I was able to find the names of. I mean, I was able to find a little bit more information about the men. She sent me an archive of a newspaper clipping of at least one of them where indicated that they had passed. I took that name. Yeah, I remember.

Speaker 2: 21:44

Now I took that name and went to a Facebook group that was devoted to graduates of a particular high school that had passed away with some of them. They had images and I know how to search around and sort that by span of time. One of the images that came up knocked my socks off because when I saw it, I mean it basically looked like me if I had just grown out my hair a little bit longer. What's funny is I showed it to my wife and I said don't you think that uncle looks? Looks like it, looks like it could be my dad, and she's like I don't know, I think it's, I still think it's the aunt. And I was like huh, and that's totally me.

Speaker 2: 22:19

So I called over my little three year old son and I said, hey, who's this in the picture? And I showed him the picture on my phone and he looked at it and he just without hesitation, said data. And I said, ok, I got to find out a little bit more. So I went to another Facebook group where it was an ongoing reunion group for people from that high school. I said I'm doing some medical research. Does anyone know if Tim passed away from like a car wreck or does anyone know background? I'm just trying to find out from my own medical history. One random person replied and said oh yeah, he was in a car wreck. His wife is my sister-in-law. And again, that's where your brain freezes, because you're thinking OK, so how does this help?

Speaker 1: 23:11

Well, let's pause there for just a minute, right? Because, wow, what you have also shared in your story affirms our skill sets. You talked about becoming a detective. We end up becoming detectives in our own rights. You talked about research methodologies which, as we're all going through this journey and trying to get into some type of identification and reunion, we start looking at different ways to find different things and circle in and hone in, and you also spoke of analytical skills.

Speaker 1: 23:47

So, we're hitting all of the key things that when we are venturing into this, I don't know. If we think about it that way, we don't think. I'm going to be, this superstar detective. Oh, now I've got to heighten up my research skills.

Speaker 1: 24:02

Now I need to analyze the data, oh, and I need to maybe think about it in all different ways, and so I always find that interesting in each of our stories, as we're going through this biological search and how it just plays into where we get to. You're now engaged in some conversation through a Facebook group.

Speaker 2: 24:24

Yeah, and get back to one of the points you just made too. An interesting note to that meant to say, was for a lot of us in this journey and I know this has probably been a common experience for you and the other guests that you've had on here is it can be so life consuming and you have to. As a professional adult, you have to balance work demands, home demands and all that and compartmentalize really all the emotion and everything else that goes into the family research too, so that can be a balancing act in itself. I guess you could say a slight struggle for me because I wanted to make sure I wasn't neglecting my home Core family here.

Speaker 2: 25:07

At that point I was astounded at how fast the cards were falling with the information. You go 42 years with, at that point, no information really or content, very limited information. I knew my parents, my biological parents were young, but there was never any photos, there was never any communication, and a lot of that was because I was content and happy with my adoptive family, which will always be what I consider my real family Ultimately. There were some phases of curiosity that every adoptive goes through. I don't want people to think that I never sat there and thought about it because I would say a couple of times per month for as long as I can remember I thought about it. I don't remember my adopted parents sitting me down to tell me about the adoption story at a particular age.

Speaker 2: 25:53

I had known about it as long as I could think of, all of a sudden, your midlife, this information that is just dumping on you that a non-adopty can just not wrap their head around. And another thing about that was it took my mother-in-law pointing out like hey, keep in mind, this is overwhelming. She said I think this is overwhelming for your wife as well. Keep her in mind, because she's got to learn about all this too. This is new family for her, which I think is something that a lot of adoptees in my situation may not even think of till it's there because you're so hyper-focused on getting that extra information. I had to take this chance to say that I couldn't have asked for a better soulmate and someone who supported me, not just in this but in everything I do in life. My wife's been incredible For me. It was amazing to see how much she was emotionally moved by some of this discovery too. She's been great, and thankfully, because I could see why this potentially does cause rifts with families.

Speaker 1: 26:49

And I think that's important, matt, and thank you for bringing that to this conversation, because I don't know if we talk about it enough. That says our whole world is churning. I mean it is, and so many things are going on and we're human, our identities are changing, we're learning things about ourselves and, at the same time, someone close to us is watching it, participating. It is impactful. Sometimes we can't see it, so I do like that you've brought that to the conversation, so thank you All right, well, let's get us going forward here on what was the big opening event for you. When did it all start to really come together? When did the cards really fall all the way?

Speaker 2: 27:32

So really it all happened so fast, so that sister-in-law made the comment she made and I saw where she had just went ahead and tagged a name and I thought to myself, well, that'd be pretty crazy and to me it just seemed pretty audacious for that person to just bam, you know, attack someone like that, considering the implications. But people do what they do. I'm not judging, it was just kind of surprising. It wasn't more than an hour, it may have even only been a few minutes. It's all kind of blurry right now, but I got a Facebook message and pardon me if I get emotional here, because this is definitely the part that is always the hard I think I'm going to get through it and it just it was so surreal, it's tough, but I got a message. The person she had tagged said hey, why are you doing medical research? And I started saying well, I had some health issues when I was born and I have some health issues now. I was adopted, so I don't know much. And after I mentioned the part of adoption, she replied on July 14th at, and then she named the hospital. We both kind of paused because I was like, okay, I'm pretty sure this is my biological mother and she started typing back oh my gosh, you're my son. You're my son just totally rocked my world as far as like I never thought it would happen that way. Where do you even go from there? And I could tell she was in shock and denial initially because she was saying are you some scammer? Are you, is this some kind of fraud? And I don't blame her, because it does seem so random, as she was saying that too, we talk about information overload.

Speaker 2: 29:05

I got a message from that second cousin saying I think this may be one of your siblings and it was a link to a Facebook page and I looked at it and I saw the name and I messaged him and said I don't know any other way to say this and I have to say it quickly, otherwise you will ignore this message but I think you may be my biological brother. Did you have a brother that was put up for adoption? And he said, yeah, back in 1981, I said, well, I'm pretty sure that's me. I went back to the conversation with my biological mother and she started saying you have a brother named and his name, and you have a sister named and said her name, and I said, yeah, I just reached out to him and I'll message her as well.

Speaker 2: 29:51

She went into explaining what had happened prior to my premature delivery and I immediately expressed to her that she expressed some concern. She was basically apologizing for giving me up and I immediately made sure that she realized that I was not angry with her, I was not disappointed and that I completely respected the decision that she made and that she gave me the best chance to have a great life. We have not met in person. We do communicate through Messenger, but I know she still grapples with wrestles with that decision, despite the fact that I have done everything to try to reassure her. But I could never understand. I'll never be able to grasp what it must be like for the mother in that spot.

Speaker 1: 30:34

Well, matt, I just watched you relive that whole thing again and it is hard. It's hard when you tell our stories, so, thank you. I always think it's an honor when people sit with me and talk about it, and so, as you collect yourself a little bit here, that's a lot in a very condensed amount of time and it's hard not to be emotional about it as you go through it and then, as you tell it, still coming to terms with all of the implications of what you've learned. So, in a short window, just to recap, you've connected with a cousin who has been instrumental in the discovery. You've utilized Facebook groups. You connected with your biological mother and, almost simultaneously, your biological brother I've now mentioned. You haven't had a chance to meet with your biological mother, and that is by choice. There are reasons for you to have made that choice.

Speaker 2: 31:25

Yes, and she understands so my adoptive parents. They have both been fine with me doing the search as far as I've not tried to block it or anything like that. However, at the same time I know from my adoptive mother, with all the legwork she put in and just the sacrifice and unconditional love she's given me over the years, she's very tender and sensitive about it, for very understandable reasons, and she said I'm okay with you searching and finding. I just don't personally want to hear updates because I know for me how much it meant to raise you as my son and you are my son, and she's also about 16 or 17 years older than my biological mother. She's in her upper 70s. She'll be 80 next year, so the last thing I want to do is add any stress to her life or emotional distress at this point, and thankfully my biological mother understands that and she also understands. Even if it weren't for that scenario, there's still a lot to process for anyone, and that was back in February, so it's been almost eight months.

Speaker 1: 32:32

Yeah, several months yeah.

Speaker 2: 32:34

We communicate with occasionally sent her Mother's Day card and plan on sending her a birthday gift. She did send me a birthday gift gifts, I should say so it's been civil, it's been positive. My siblings have understood that approach as well, thankfully.

Speaker 1: 32:50

And for clarity, you mean your biological siblings.

Speaker 2: 32:52

Sorry, yes, and I should say I should also just point out my adoptive siblings have been unbelievably supportive about all of this. I'm sorry you get into these weeds and it's just like. Here I am and I've completely, like, omitted the fact that we haven't talked about my biological father and why he's not in the picture.

Speaker 1: 33:11

Yeah, absolutely. I think that we're bringing it kind of all together, transitioning a little bit here in this storyline with you where you have findings, so we've connected with the birth mother. It's been very digital. You guys have some stuff going on. You have a layer of respect and love for who has raised you. They are your parents and I'm respectful of that and again, I want us to normalize that. It's okay to be comfortable with that type of a narrative and the positivity of that. But let's go ahead and talk a little bit about your sibling connections and your reunions and what you've learned about each other.

Speaker 2: 33:50

The InstaNi messaged my biological brother. You know, almost within the same few minutes, like I said, he messaged me back. So the brother wanted to meet as soon as possible. I told him okay, well, you know, let me think about things and I have to process this. And that night had gone by, I had messaged my biological sister and said the same thing, I told biological brother and, and then the next morning she had messaged me back and said holy cow, you know I'm in shock. You know you survived. We didn't know if you'd had survived and you were a miracle baby.

Speaker 2: 34:24

And I've only seen one picture of you and it was mom's photo with wires all over you, and I'll never forget. You know, it's one thing to look at photos, but I'll never forget watching a video of my biological sister joking around with my biological brother using a face swap app. Then, you know, I watched a few more videos of them and it was just. I can't explain how surreal and like sci fi movie it felt to see people who looked so similar to me in video. The reunion went well. I'm so glad I had my wife with me throughout all of it, because it was so intimidating. I can't imagine going into that alone, I think it was like. I think it took a week or two. I'll never forget. I was just taking a shower and like the weight of all of it hit me and I started bawling because I couldn't believe everything that had happened. And I told her when she got home from work that night and we processed it together.

Speaker 1: 35:16

I think that it's important in this conversation, matt, that you have shared out some of your emotions and how you have to process through that, and, again, the fact that you've done so openly. We are both from a similar generation where we know that is not how the gender roles play out or have been played out.

Speaker 1: 35:39

So it's important to kind of hit that pause there for a minute. In all of this, what I think we're starting to piece together and I'd like you to kind of close the loop for us is your paternal biology. So where does your biological father fit into this story?

Speaker 2: 35:56

Yeah, it's pretty incredible, and I'll actually start with my grandfather. He had been living up in New York and moved his family southward because of the Apollo program. He had a background as in Navy aviation from World War II and was also an engineer, and that combination made him an ideal candidate for NASA's new project in the mid to late 60s the Apollo program. So he came down to what we call the Space Coast, the Cocoa Beach, cape Canaveral, merid Island area. My biological father was the middle child of the sons and he was a mechanic and he had just gone from being a car mechanic to getting a job manufacturing boats at a company called Sea Ray, which was one of the leading boat manufacturers. That actually happened a year after I was born, so things were looking up and they had biological sister.

Speaker 2: 37:00

Right around that same time, around 1985, I guess I would have been four or five he was driving home and he had some car issues, was pushing his car from the road to the side, trying to get it off the road, when another car hit his car and, by extension, his own car, ended up hitting him and throwing him 100 feet. Unfortunately he passed when he was only 25. And I know that had a major impact on the family. Obviously it traumatized my biological brother, where he didn't speak for a couple years well, at least a year and he had to be held back in school as a result, and my biological sister was very young but she remembers how it took him a while to start talking back to her.

Speaker 2: 37:44

But throughout this journey I was able to contact not only the siblings but remember how I mentioned, there were those seven aunts and all but two of them live in my home area and I've been able to meet up with a couple of them and when they've described my biological father's personality how hard it must have been for them to lose a brother like that, and the fact that they were still so welcoming because you know a lot of people when they go through a tragedy like that, when it kind of just pushed away anything that reminds them of it, they were overwhelmed by physical reminder because of our resemblance of so strong and they even said, like you're your own person, but you're like a clone of Tim, you know, and yeah, so yeah.

Speaker 1: 38:28

Let's take a pause here for just a minute and let you collect your thoughts.

Speaker 2: 38:32

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 38:32

One of the things, matt, that is coming out of this conversation that you and I had not talked about prior, and it's really starting to sit with me in this iteration of our discussion. That's a we meaning a very broad brush. We right Not everyone, but it's a pretty broad brush have this tendency to hold on to our trauma, and we call it our adoption trauma or relinquishment trauma, but as if it's the only trauma in the story right.

Speaker 1: 39:02

And I'm just now listening to your biological family was put through a ringer as well. And to have you know this, this human and you've spoken to your genetic mirroring and the things that you look up and look like and act like and potentially sound like Wow, can you just imagine I'm struggling, that my brain is on fire right now what that is like on the other side of our conversation right.

Speaker 1: 39:32

Because all of their trauma now is coming, coming back to the surface or any of their grief. You are handling it very well, I must say.

Speaker 2: 39:42

Thanks, and again, I know I mentioned it before, but I know that God's hand has been in a lot of this. Other people can call it coincidence, that's fine. I can just tell you that my wife is in my life for a reason. Our past cost for reason, and I know that if I hadn't covered any of this before meeting her and marrying her, I never would have been ready. I think that's an important thing to remember. Whether it's a significant other that you're not married to, or a best friend or your spouse, don't be afraid to lean on them, because you know that's one of the reasons they're there, and if you try to shoulder all this, it is. It is information over an emotional overload.

Speaker 2: 40:20

Coincidences, you know, and I guess I just want to use an example here, because I think it's from a movie, but I think it makes a great kind of metaphor. There's a movie it's actually it's a scary movie, kind of. It's called Signs. It's a sci-fi movie about aliens, but there's a part that has nothing to do with aliens really, though, where the father of the household, who's a widow, is sitting with his one of his sons. They have a philosophical back and forth. The father was still grieving the loss of the wife from a fierce prior because it was an unexpected death. They get into a discussion and he says there's two types of people.

Speaker 2: 40:56

There's those who believe in coincidences and those that don't. What if there are no coincidences? That means that you know there's fate, and I feel like that scene has replayed in my head a lot. There's so many things you like at look at and think wow, like either thank God that person was there or thankfully there was a time the timeline unfolded the way it did in this way because ultimately it was for the best for most, for the most part for the people involved. I know that at this age now I was emotionally I'm emotionally mature enough and stable enough, thanks to the help I've had from my wife and my close friends, to have gone through all this, and I completely understand why some people can't even talk about any of this.

Speaker 1: 41:37

Yeah, I understand that too right. I mean, we can't expect everybody to want to tell their story and we never know where they are in their journey or how they're processing. And what I also found really interesting about your journey was you talked about coincidence. I think it's irony. There's some irony in your story.

Speaker 1: 41:59

And I'd like us to. Yeah, just touch on that a little bit, because, as you went through all of this and I started this conversation with you know you have a story that we sometimes just can't imagine and it rips your heart out and it puts it back in and but what's really intriguing is the irony of proximity when you were growing up to your biology, your circle was pretty intersected. We might be able to do a Venn diagram.

Speaker 2: 42:28

When I started talking to my siblings about what part of town they grew up in, we found out first off that they grew up just a few miles down the road. In the 80s my hometown was probably about a tenth the population that it is now and it's still not even really that big. You know, there's basically the space industry families that are there were service workers and legal medical professionals, so it was a town that was just big enough where there were some people you didn't know. Odds are, if you mentioned someone's name, there's probably just one person removed where you know there's a tie in. We discovered that there was at least a four to six month stretch where I was in the same elementary school and possibly even in the same classroom because my biological brother was held back a grade from that traumatic experience. He was actually. He was on the same timeline as me academic wise, and so there's a 50 50 chance that I was in the same exact classroom because there were only two classrooms per grade at this school and it gets crazier from there. So crazier because I said well, after that I went to the Christian school. My logical sister said. She said, well, yeah, we lived right near the Christian school and we loved basketball.

Speaker 2: 43:45

After school would get out. We'd go and play basketball behind your school. I would be in class and with an ear shot I would hear people playing basketball Dang. That time I wasn't any good, but I played basketball for the Christian school from fifth grade, all the way through high school, and we had to go out and play on the courts behind the school. And when we would go out there and this is where it just gets insane Basically every time our coach would have to go over to a couple of kids and say hi, you're always welcome to play here when our school's in session and no teams are using the court. But this is private property and we just have to have basketball practice, so can you please leave the court? He didn't say verbatim like that, but that was the message and they would go their way and I'm there just waiting on them to get off the court and play basketball.

Speaker 2: 44:33

Having no idea. Sorry, it's really hard to get through this now, getting emotional, having no idea that I was waiting on my brother and sister to get off the court. And this is what's so crazy is my sister said there was a time where we were playing around and messing with fireworks and actually caught a bunch of this bunch of stuff on fire right behind your school and I remember that clear as day we were definitely crossing paths, yeah. So there were talking about all those different instances and I mean I figured there is at least.

Speaker 2: 45:02

You basically can't go to any school. Back then you couldn't go to the store without seeing someone you knew and there was just overlap right, because there's only so many places you can get groceries and everything. So really realistically looking at it, our pass must have crossed with my siblings dozens of times. You can't help but think, wow, I wish I had known. I would have been neat to have known. But you also know that it's probably for the best that you didn't know. I know that wasn't just startling for me, but literally everyone involved in my close circle, friends and family just kind of a neat thing to look back and reflect on.

Speaker 1: 45:32

Yeah, definitely pinpoints the craziness of this journey as we continue to find out things about ourselves. Well, we're going to wrap up and what I want to check in with you on what is it that you really want the listeners to leave with today, matt?

Speaker 2: 45:49

The fear is going to be there no matter what. Find someone who can help you navigate through it. And also one thing I wish I kind of mentioned before is part of that fear may be fear of learning that your biological family may have included some sides of it that weren't perfect, or society may frown upon right, but there's also going to be things you find out that are amazing. I found out that my grandfather not only gave Neil Armstrong his first plane ride but also ultimately ended up working on figuring out the trajectory for the lunar capsule that Neil Armstrong piloted down to the moon, and he was part of a team that was recognized with a presidential medal of honor for it.

Speaker 2: 46:33

I never would have known that if I had let fear completely take over and had I not pushed forward. I want to say that with all respect, like if someone's not ready and makes this a not to, then I understand that it's tough to navigate these waters. If you have a good support system with you and your heart starts to feel right about it, let yourself know that there's going to be some things you can't control. It felt great to know that there was this actually really proud family history going back to that. Just follow your heart, but also know that you can overcome the fear and make some amazing new connections.

Speaker 2: 47:11

Possibly, if you don't make amazing new connections, then I think, no matter what, you will at least have some closure to areas of your life that may not plague you like they would have otherwise. Because you know what I think I've found out in life and I'll close with this is just that the fear of the unknown is the worst. I think my favorite movie is the first Jaws, and it's because they barely show the shark at all, but they do show. It doesn't look that great, but what everyone thinks of when they get in the water isn't the rubber shark. They're thinking of that unknown like what's below the surface and that's what scares us the most and I think for a lot of us, a lot of adoptees, when we get rid of that unknown, there's a piece that's found and I hope that everyone who has the strength to go through this finds that peace.

Speaker 1: 48:04

Well, well said, matt, and thank you for leaning into the conversation and being willing to share your journey with the listeners. We thank you. You're welcome here anytime.

Speaker 2: 48:14

It's been an honor to speak with you. Thanks so much for having me.

Speaker 1: 48:17

Thank you for listening to today's episode. Make sure to rate, review and share. Want to join the conversation? Contact us at wanderingtreeadoptdcom.