118. I Am: Finding Identity with Michele Cushatt

Michele, a three-time tongue cancer survivor, reframes identity from performance to the promises of God. Her story moves through pain’s lies, Scripture’s ballast, and the freedom of saying “I am” as God defines it.

• high-capacity habits meeting holy dependence
• rescued as identity amid cancer, pain and recovery
• pain’s loud lies and how to answer with truth
• “I Am” beyond roles, titles and appearance
• hesed as God’s covenant love and loyalty

Share with us how you finish the sentence "I am..." on socials or www.GenerationsToGenerations.com

Watch the interview…
https://youtu.be/KaMygpi33JY

Connect with Michele:
Home - Michele Cushatt

https://generationstogenerations.com/podcast

ordinarypeoplestories@gmail.com

https://www.facebook.com/ordinarypeoplestory

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We all have a story, all of us, share your story. You don't have to have the perfect answer or the perfect life - share what Jesus is doing in your life. This is an easy, real way to witness & share your testimony.

Transcript

A Small Reboot, A Big Lesson

Nancy Bruscher 0:00

Welcome! I'm Nancy Brucher, and you've found ordinary people extraordinary things. Stories of faith and hope. Before we get to today's conversation, I want to share something small that seemed insignificant at the time, but after thinking about it, it really stuck with me. I was finishing a project transferring a family slides into digital photos, and my computer wasn't working. I tried a few different things, but nothing seemed to fix the problem. Finally, I thought, why don't I just reboot the computer? So I restarted it and suddenly everything worked perfectly. I was able to finish transferring the memories. Later I thought, why didn't I reboot the computer earlier? Why did I spend so much time trying all these other things when the simple solution was just to reboot and start fresh? And it made me realize that sometimes that's exactly what happens in life. Keep going, going, stumbling along when things aren't working, pushing harder instead of pausing, instead of shutting down, resetting, and letting the kings work themselves out before we begin again. Maybe you've felt that way. Maybe you're in a season where you need a reboot. Maybe you're saying, I am tired, I am confused, I am overwhelmed. Or maybe today you're saying, I am happy, I am excited.

Speaker 1 1:17

However you describe yourself, today's guest, Michelle, joins us to talk about the power of the word I am. Well, welcome to Ordinary People, Extraordinary Things. I'm Nancy, and I'm here with Michelle. Michelle, thanks for being on the podcast this morning.

Michele Cushatt 1:33

Oh, it's my privilege, my pleasure, Nancy. I'm so glad to be here. And thanks for your patience. It's taken us a couple months to get it scheduled. Schedules are crazy, right?

Speaker 1 1:44

No, I'm so excited. We actually got to meet at a women's retreat that you were a speaker at. And I just asked, hey, that just really touched my heart. Would you think about being on my podcast? And you graciously accepted.

Speaker 1:57

Oh, well, it's my honor, truly. I anytime I have a chance to um talk about what God has done, it's a it's a redemptive, right? It kind of redeems losses, it redeems the plans that don't go according to plan, like we were just talking about a moment ago. And so, yeah, it's a gift. So thank you.

Speaker 1 2:17

And if people don't know who you are, can you give three words or phrases to describe yourself?

High Capacity And Holy Dependence

Speaker 2:22

Well, gosh. I mean, I go to the default ones, so things like mom and wife. I'll combine that into one. Mom and wife, that's one phrase. Because that describes my kind of domestic life. Yeah. I would say adventurer. I love to I I enjoy work. I enjoy trying new things. I enjoy achieving different things. So that's kind of part of my hardwired nature. But probably the third word that would describe me best is just rescued. So I feel like that is like I feel like that is so such a huge part, at least today, that's the word that comes to mind. That I am someone who has been rescued by uh a saving God.

Speaker 1 3:08

And why? Why do you pick that word? What what comes to mind when you say I'm rescued?

Speaker 3:13

Well, I think it's really important. It goes kind of hand, you know, hand in hand with this idea of I I tend to be a pretty high capacity, high performance person professionally. Um, I do a lot and accomplish a lot. And that can lead me to believe that I am far more capable than I am. And so reminding myself too that uh truly I am only here because I have a savior who rescued me from myself in so many ways. And that's a that's probably the most important. Being rescued means you're completely dependent on somebody else to pluck you out of the mess that you create. And I feel like that is ultimately brings me back to reality that I'm ultimately very dependent on a God that is bigger, stronger, wiser than I could ever hope to be.

Speaker 1 4:08

Yeah, I really relate to that. I can function at a pretty high capacity as well, get a pun done. And that's great, but it also has it also has its its fallbacks in other ways, right?

Speaker 4:21

Yeah. I mean, I think those of us who are kind of those high capacity, high-performing um leaders or professionals or whatever, we can become very, very self-sufficient and think that we can fix every problem that comes our way and we can do it all and be it all. And it's just not true. Even you and I being kind of high capacity people, that we were kind of just born that way. So that is even not a credit to us. That was just how God wired us up. Like I can't even take credit for that. It's just, it's kind of like my brown hair. I was just born with it. Um, and so just to come back and remind myself wait, wait a second. At the end of the day, you are someone that was drowning and was rescued. That's really what it's about.

Speaker 1 5:04

For some reason, what reminds me when you're talking about this is sometimes I can get frustrated with people who don't go at as high of a capacity as me. I know, same. So maybe giving some grace and realizing that, hey, they're wired in a whole different way. And that's that's who God made them to be.

Cancer, Suffering, And Being Rescued

Speaker 5:25

I have I have a good friend that's been kind of a lifelong friend, and she is not a high capacity person like I am. And, you know, for the longest time I just didn't understand it. Like, what's wrong with you? Why can't you get yourself going faster? Right. And then I realized truly that she was wired up that way, and she had a lot to teach me about what it looks like to move slowly and to rest and to save her life and and to be more content and not quite so achievement focused. And so, yeah, so it's really important to like bring ourselves back down to the fact that all of us, all of us, the only reason we woke up today is because we have a gracious God that gave us that gift. That's it.

Speaker 1 6:10

That's good, Michelle. So I have a question. Does your um cancer journey go into your word rescue, or is that more of just a spiritual word for you?

Speaker 6:20

Um, I uh both. I mean, I think it kind of encompasses all of it. And I don't know how much you want me to share of my cancer journey, but um, I am a three-time head and neck cancer survivor. So when I was 39 years old, I was first diagnosed with cancer of the tongue. Um, so 39, pretty young. I was very healthy. I was a half marathon runner, a triathlete. You know, I was I was checking all the health boxes and still came down with cancer of the tongue, which is so unusual. No risk factors, nothing, no doctor could explain why. Um, and then in the years that follow, it came back two more times. Um, the most recent time was 2014-15. They basically had to remove two-thirds of my tongue, remove my lymph nodes, my submandibular gland, basically remove a lot in my face and my neck, and then rebuild it all again with grafts and blood vessels for my arm and from my leg. All that to say I was kind of like humpty, dumpty, put back together again. And then after they did that surgery, then they did chemotherapy and radiation and pretty, pretty extreme radiation to try to give me the best chance of being able to live beyond this diagnosis. As a result, on the other side of that, my body was very, very compromised. And I live with permanent disability and all kinds of fallout from all of that treatment that saved my life. It took some of my life too. I'm regularly aware because I live in a compromised body, and because I know how close I came to the brink of death, I'm regularly aware of the fact that I should not be here. And the fact that I'm here is nothing but God's grace and mercy. I've heard countless stories over the years of people who did not survive. And so the fact that I'm here, there is a physical rescue there. But what destroyed me most about the cancer journey was how it spiritually wrecked me. I didn't know a human could go through that much physical suffering and still survive. And the trauma of that kind of physical pain and suffering was something that marked me forever. Uh, and so wrestling through that, you know, how can there be a God who is real and good who would allow me to go through that extent of suffering? How do I reconcile that with my faith in that good present God? People will say, I admire how you hung on to your face, how you wrestled and came back to your face, as if I was to be credited for that. And I've often told people, I really don't think I'm to credit for the faith that I still have. I really do believe that God came and grabbed me and would not let me go. And that's why I'm still here. And there's a big difference between someone who, well, I hung on to my faith. I was at the end of myself. I had no strength or ability to hang on to my own faith anymore. But God held on to me, and that was enough. And so from that standpoint, I am physically rescued, I've been emotionally rescued, I'm still being rescued, and spiritually rescued by God's hands, not by my own.

Speaker 1 9:43

I I love that, Michelle. I love how you're saying I think that might give us some peace, or especially someone, there's a lot of people going through cancer. There's a lot of people going through so many terrible diseases, and it breaks my heart. And I like that idea of like, no, we don't have to do it on our own. We can, I think that gives some freedom. Is that yes?

When Pain Lies And Truth Whispers

Speaker 10:06

Jesus made a comment about that we are in the Father's hands, and he said, This is in the book of John, that no one can snatch them out of my hand. And the fact that I am being held on to by the hand of God, even as I'm cr questioning and wrestling and struggling through a real life, that gives me such assurance that God has me. Now, obviously, there's still things, this is such an interesting tension because there's still things that I need to quote unquote do. Like I have to be willing to be held by the hand of God, right? Um, I have to be willing and allow myself to relinquish control and trust God's hand, but it is God's hand that holds me, not my hand holding him.

Speaker 1 10:59

What would you say to someone who is going through cancer or going through just unbelievable physical pain?

Spiritual Warfare Or Life’s Frailty

Speaker 11:07

Oh gosh. You know, uh pain, physical pain is brutal. I I had no idea how completely crushing emotionally, physically, spiritually, physical pain is. So I have a whole new empathy for people who have chronic pain because it's it it depletes you in a way that's hard to even describe. And also pain, physical pain has a very loud voice, and it makes it very hard to hear God's voice, makes it very hard to hear truth because pain is loud and pain lies. Pain tells you that you're suffering because of something you've done, you know, that it's your fault somehow. Pain tells you you're all alone and that you have no one and nothing to lean on. You know, so pain is a deceiver from that standpoint. It convinces of us of things that aren't true, but it's also super loud and makes it hard for us to hear the truth. And so for someone who's in a place of physical suffering right now, first of all, I would say, gosh, I'm I I'm so sorry. I know a little bit of what you're enduring right now, and it's awful. It's just awful, and I'm so sorry. I would also say to do your best to remember that your pain is not a reflection of God's affection for you. We sometimes think our suffering means that God has left us, abandoned us, doesn't like us, or he's punishing us in some way. Your pain is not in proportion to God's love, lack of love for you. There's just no correlation. You know, in the Old Testament, God is close to the brokenhearted, he saves those who are crushed in spirit. Somehow, in the middle of your pain, try to find some of those passages that tell you who God is and how he feels about you. And when pain is screaming at you that he doesn't care anymore, hang on to those instead. In fact, I created these scripture rings. I don't think I have any in my office here. I created these scripture rings. It's on like a key ring, but there's 35, 36 verses that tell me how God feels about me. And I would literally hold on to them when I was starting to believe the lies that God had abandoned me. And, you know, I've sold them all over the place. People have them, I've given them away to people, but sometimes we literally physically have to hold on to the truth because our pain is convincing us uh of a lie. So those are the kinds of things I would say to somebody going through that. You have to, you have to actively counteract the lies and redirect yourself to the truth. And even if that's holding on to one verse, like the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he he's close. Even if you can't feel him, he's close. And he saves those who are crushed in spirit. Um going back to that and saying it over and over and over again until the lies start to lose their hold and the truth try starts to take hold.

Speaker 1 14:27

That's good. That's really good. This is an interesting question. But you are a speaker, you're an author speaker, many things, right? Did you ever feel like the devil was like trying to actually take some of like your take something from you by actually having cancer of the tongue?

Speaker 14:45

I know, isn't it ironic? It's interesting.

Speaker 1 14:48

Yeah.

I Am: Identity Rebuilt In God

Speaker 14:48

Um, well, I'll begin by saying, because I've I've wondered that, I've wrestled with that. I am not an expert by any means of knowing the ins and outs of the spiritual realm. I do know we have an enemy. I do know that the enemy wants nothing more than for the good news to be thwarted. He doesn't want the good news to spread. I know that the good news is the best thing that we have, and that, you know, part of our mandate from Jesus and the Great Commission, Matthew 28, is to go and tell the whole world that what God has done for us, right? To go make disciples to share that. So when I look at the facts, I'm like, well, there could be some truth to that, that there was an interruption of ministry by what I endured physically. At the same time, I also know that this is also part of the human experience. It's just part of life on this side of heaven. Cancer happens, death happens, illness happens. It is part of that, part of us being human and in flesh and blood that we encounter these things. So yeah, I do wonder at times. I don't have a you know clear answer from God saying, hey, this is what was going on. Right. Um, so who knows? But uh I know that my job is to somehow trust God through these things that devastate us, and then allow him to do whatever he wants to do to repurpose that. Isaiah 61 has been a huge um influential passage in the Bible in my life where, you know, it was basically the passage that Jesus read at the inauguration of his ministry, that the God has anointed him to preach good news to the poor. Um, and it talks about how he's going to bring beauty from ashes and gladness from mourning and a garment of praise from a spirit of despair. You will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. And that's been a huge verse in my life long before cancer. And so as I walk through that, I'm like, okay, God, there's ashes, there's despair, there's mourning. I'm waiting for you to turn it into the joy and the gladness and the oak of righteousness that's a display of your splendor. But I can't do that. He has to do that.

Speaker 1 17:19

Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna shift us a little bit. I have your book, I am. Could you uh tell us why did you call it I am?

Sixty Days To Relearn Who You Are

Speaker 17:28

Well, I am is how we often describe ourselves, right? So when somebody says, tell me about yourself, well, there are phrases, right? Exactly, exactly. That's how we started this whole conversation. I am a wife of mother, I am a high performer, I am rescued. I mean, that's how we describe ourselves. And yet, as I I wrote this book, gosh, I was writing it in July, August, September, after having my tongue removed and all the surgeries. I mean, I had, I was so sick. It's hard to describe. Like I got down to, I'm five, seven, I got down to about 110 pounds, skin and bones. I had so many scars, I couldn't talk, couldn't eat very well. I mean, I had to learn how to live all over again. In fact, for about a month during my treatment, my vocal cords were so burned I couldn't even speak. Like there was no sound coming out. So as I'm wrestling through my life, and I was only 44 at the time, as I was wrestling through this, I'm like, who am I? I mean, I would have described myself before as a wife, a mom. I was a good cook. I was a speaker, but now, you know, I didn't have hardly any taste left. Could I be a cook anymore? I spoke, my voice didn't sound like it did before. Speaking was very painful and difficult. Could I call myself a speaker? And so all of my previous I am phrases no longer applied. So it left me asking, who am I? Who am I? And I spent a lot of time. Moses is one of my favorite characters in the Bible, and I spent some time studying the story of the burning bush. And when I studied the story of the burning bush, God, you know, speaks from the burning bush to Moses and says, you know, I am sending you to Egypt. I have heard the cries of my people and I'm concerned about their suffering. That's Exodus 2, I believe. And so he's concerned about their suffering, and so he's going to send a deliverer. And Moses is like, uh, hold on a second. Moses has been a shepherd for 40 years, and Megan, he has a speech difficulty, and he literally looks at God and says, Who am I that I should go? And God answers Moses' who am I question with two answers. And the irony of God's answer to Moses is that neither of God's answers to Moses had anything to do with Moses. It was about who God was. And so that's ultimately why I came down to naming this I am, is that who I am is not so much about the labels and titles I give myself, but it's about who God is, who God is, and what he says I am. And that is, those are the defining characteristics. And who I am is not just all roses and daisies. Who I am is also I am weak, I am, I am sinful, I am broken. Those are just as true. And yeah, I found all of these verses throughout the Bible that talk about how God feels about us. And those statements had to become more true about me than who I thought I was before cancer.

Speaker 1 20:34

Kind of raw. That's well, yeah, it's tough.

Speaker 20:38

And yet, it's the only way for us to be secure. If you and I want security and confidence, we can't find our security and confidence in our achievements or our appearance or our roles, or you know, culture tells us that we're defined by those things. How we look, um, how we perform, who we are in relationship to other people, those are the defining characteristics. And yet all of those things can go away. Like we can lose marriages, we can lose children, we can lose jobs, we can, we will lose our appearance. I don't know about you, Nancy, but I don't look nearly as good as I did 20 years ago. No, all of those things will go away. So if we attach our sense of identity and value to things that are tempor temporal, then it's just a matter of time before we lose a sense of who we are.

Speaker 1 21:33

Yeah.

Speaker 21:35

We've got to get anchored to something that will last. The only thing that's been the same yesterday, today, and will be the same again tomorrow is God Himself. So attaching ourselves to what he says is the secret to our security and confidence.

Speaker 1 21:51

Why did you decide to make it like a sixty day devotional?

Anchored In Love: Romans 8 And Hesed

Speaker 21:56

Because we need time to relearn our sense of identity. I mean, ultimately. And by the way, writing 60 days of devotionals. And these are kind of meaty devotionals. They're not your short, tiny little paragraph devotionals or a little bit longer. Writing these, this was the hardest book for me to write. I mean, it was so hard because the topic was close to my heart, but it was also a challenge to 60 days to walk this out. And yet I feel like we need at least 60 days to reorient ourselves to a new way of looking at our value and our worth.

Speaker 1 22:33

So the idea of not just rushing through it and, oh yeah, I read that book in three hours, got it done. It's, you know, I learned something great.

Speaker 22:42

We need a day at a time. Like, and I've I've heard from so many people all over the United States and the world that have done this book again and again and again, because even 60 days wasn't enough. We need to just keep going back through it, as do I.

Speaker 1 22:58

What are you hoping people who do read this book will get from it?

Speaker 23:03

Oh goodness. I mean, ultimately, ultimately, what I want for all of us is for us to come into a place of a deep enduring awareness of God's personal love for us. This is so hard for us to grasp. I just did a two-week meditation on Ephesians 3, 14 through 21, and uh just read those verses over and over and over again, where Paul is praying that we would know the love of God, that we would experience the love of Christ, even though it's impossible for us to understand it fully. And that's ultimately what I want for us to get to a place where we are so secured in God's personal love. He doesn't just love the whole world in a general sense. He actually loves us personally, knows us by name, counts the numbers of hairs on our head, sees our suffering, is concerned about our suffering, and it's so personal for us. I don't know about you, but that's hard for me to hang on to. And so ultimately that's what I want for us is for us to get to a place where we are so grounded in God's personal love for us, even though we are broken and sinful and wounded and struggling and all of that, that ultimately we can say, I am loved, I am wanted, I am redeemed, I am rescued. Um, when we can say that and know it, it changes how we live and relate to everyone else.

Speaker 1 24:47

What is your favorite Bible verse or story?

Speaker 24:50

Oh, goodness. Well, I've shared several of them here.

Speaker 1 24:53

Yes.

Speaker 24:54

I would say, I mean, the one that bubbles to the top always, always is Romans 8, 35 through uh 39. What then shall separate us from the love of God? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or dangerous sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels, nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any power, neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Speaker 1 25:29

And if we can actually really, really, really, really understand, like that's that's powerful.

Speaker 25:36

That's and I mean, think of how Paul wanted, I mean, as Paul wrote those words, he was making sure we had no excuse to say, but what about this? Well, what but what about this? He's like, no, no, no, no, no. Nothing in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. I mean, that uh if we could just get that. So yeah, that that would be the one that I've probably come back to more than any other.

Speaker 1 26:06

Yeah, not your physical pain, not your yeah, that's good.

Speaker 26:11

Because that changes everything.

Speaker 1 26:13

What are you grateful for?

Kindness, Queso, And Shared Stories

Speaker 26:14

Forgiveness. Second chances. I'm grateful for the Hesed of God. Hasid is a Hebrew word in the Old Testament that has to do with God's um never failing, always enduring, loving kindness. That it's full of compassion and forgiveness and grace and mercy. So God's Hassed is um like we it's hard for us to even have an English word for it, but that's what I'm grateful for. Oh, I make so many mistakes, Nancy. I make so many mistakes. I mean, I would have been tired of saying you're forgiven by now if I was God. I would have been like, Michelle, you you just can't figure this out. And so, yeah, that's what I'm grateful for. God's Hasid.

Speaker 1 27:03

Where in the Bible does that come up with, you know, the word has said, do you know? You know, it's all over the place. Like, what's this? Where can I find this word?

Speaker 27:13

It's all over the place. It's it's God's covenant love, covenant loyalty. Exodus 34, 6 is one that is very common. This is where God gives Moses the Ten Commandments. When God passed in front of Moses, so Moses came down, or God came down in the cloud and stood there in front of Moses and gave him, you know, the commandments, the stone tablets. And he passed in front of Moses and he proclaimed this about himself. God is talking about himself, and he says, The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands and forgiving witnesses, uh, wickedness, rebellion, and sin. That is God's said.

Speaker 1 28:02

Okay. Thank you. I appreciate it.

Speaker 28:04

Exodus 34, no problem. Exodus 34, 6, 7. It's yeah, that whole and it's all if you I mean, we live in the time of AI, right? So if you go into you good Google H-E-S-E-D in the Bible, and all kinds of verses will come up. It's a Hebrew word, but it's very unique to God's nature, it's his covenantal love and faithfulness.

Speaker 1 28:29

Great. Well, I'm kind of hoping some people are drawn into that word and are gonna do a little bit more research on that. What kind of yeah, what kindness have you seen, or what kindness have you shown in the last week?

Speaker 28:42

You know, it's so funny when we're talking about this because I'm sitting there going, I can think of many ways that I haven't been kind in my family. Because you know, there are days where we're like, I'm up to here. I have a good friend who had surgery, a pretty significant surgery, a few weeks ago, and she's been recovering for the last six weeks. And so um, one of the things she and I like to do is have chips and queso. And so I picked up our favorite chips and queso. I went to her house and we just sat for three hours eating chips and queso and talking and doing life. And I would say that's a mutual kindness.

Closing Encouragement And Listener Invite

Speaker 1 29:17

Yes, yes. Oh, that's good, that's great.

Speaker 29:20

I mean, sometimes it's really simple, right? Just simple, just doing life together and enjoying uh God's blessing of chips and queso is just about the best thing.

Speaker 1 29:32

I love this question because when I started asking it, my thought was that it would be big things, that what I would get from people is huge things, but it's almost always small things like chips and queso.

Speaker 29:46

Yeah, chips like it's not fun having surgery and recovering. I get it. So come, let's hang out, let's just talk. And so we sat and talked about life and family and kids and all that stuff, but we also talked theology, which is our favorite thing to talk. And so we're having chips and queso in our sweatpants on her couch and talking theology, and we just had a ball. Three hours passed and like no time at all.

Speaker 1 30:11

So good. That's so good. Well, Michelle, I appreciate your time and I'm so excited to see what God is going to do through this episode and the people who are listening. So thank you for being on. Are there any last things you'd love to say to our listeners?

Speaker 30:27

No, I'm just so grateful. And I think, um, Nancy, I just love that you're having these conversations. And I think this is this is how this is part of God's gift to us, that we walk through life, we walk through the hard pieces of life, but then we share space with each other and we share our stories and we encourage each other to keep going. This is part of God's gift to us. And you don't have to have a podcast to do that. So for those listening, find a friend, ask them their story, share your story, have chips and queso. Um, and continue to point the light back to God Himself. And that's this is what helps us walk out the days of our life in faithfulness to God all the way home.

Speaker 1 31:08

Yeah, and I think that this is how we can easily share God with others, is just share your story. You don't have to have like a doesn't have to be fancy. Yeah, it doesn't have to be like a one, two, three. It's it's just share what God's doing in your life.

Speaker 31:24

100%. I totally agree. Thank you, Nancy. It's been such a pleasure.

Speaker 1 31:27

Unordinary people, extraordinary things, your story is his glory. Michelle really made me rethink how I finished the sentence I am. Not how the world defines me, but how God does. And that identity is unshakable no matter the circumstances. So, how would you finish the sentence I am? I'd love to hear your answers. Reach out on social media or go to generations twogenerations.com. Generations is plural and two is T O. I'll be back in two weeks and can't wait to share another great conversation with you.