How To Keep Calm During Real World Conflicts

Milspouses are feeling uncertain and stressed about the current state of affairs.

We want to check in with you and see how you're doing. We know that it's hard right now, but we want to be here for each other.

You are not alone.

Let us be your battle buddy as we navigate through these uncertain times together. We will check in with each other every week on how we’re doing and what we can do better next time.

Our goal is to help make life easier for all military spouses out there who are struggling right now just like us!

Let us know if there is anything we can do to help or just let us know where you're at so that we can support each other through this time.

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Transcript

Erin 00:00

Welcome back listeners. , thank you for tuning into another episode of mil spouse house. I want to first say because we're, I am, it is March 3rd. It is the Navy reserves birthday today. So happy birthday, Navy reserve.

Molly 00:19

Yes. Happy birthday.

Erin 00:20

Hope you all celebrate and acknowledge each other. And thank you for your service.

You know, a few things I want to talk about today and getting a little bit serious because there's a lot of things going on right now. There's a lot of uncertainty, there is a lot of stress surrounding all military families right now. And. I just want to do check check-in and see how everyone is doing.

I know Molly and I have checked in with each other and, and kind of just asked each other where, where we're at. And I'm grateful for that. I know that you probably always hear your service member talk about battle buddies and having a battle buddy and someone has their back and has their six and checks in on them.

And we have to have that too. As military spouses, we have to have that person that we can check in with who knows what we're going through and knows what's going on in our lives, especially in times of, of conflict and uncertainty. All these things that are happening, that we see on the news. They're not just on the news, they're real.

And they're real events that are impacting real lives. And it's not only hard to watch and hear about, but it's hard to wonder what's going to happen in our lives and how that's going to affect us. Molly and I are very candid on this show. And we have to be honest, it's tough. It's tough to see what's happening right now.

It is, it is really tough. I have kind of gone into deployment mode in terms of not watching the news because it kind of makes me feel. Well, very uneasy, but it's also very triggering. And even though my husband is not active, he is still on IRR, inactive, ready reserves. He has a couple more months.

So, depending on what happens, we are very much still at risk of him being sent back in. Obviously, a lot would have to happen, especially because he's at the furthest end of the IRR and there's a whole bunch of protocols in terms of, you know, who goes, who gets pulled that kind of stuff.

But that kind of made it real for me when we realized that was like, oh gosh. And that was kind of when I was like, oh, I can't worry about things I don't have any control over. The "what ifs" kind of got into my head a lot. And so, so I just kinda, again, went into deployment mode. I reached out to my battle, buddy, Erin and, and we just kind of talked it through and she put my mind at ease very easily, like she always does.

But yeah, just having that, having that person that is still, very much in it. Like her husband is active, you know? And so we're kind of in it together, but in different ways, but it was still really just nice to bounce ideas off of each other. And Yeah. So thanks for being my battle, buddy. Erin.

Yeah. Thank you. And I really appreciated you messaging me, because I have been pushing it probably out of my mind a lot and it was the first time I really sat there and kind of thought about things and it was nice to have somebody to check in on me because we are over seas and we are in a, we are in a spot where anything can happen. And it's nice to have somebody to check in on you and ask how you and your family are doing , especially when you're overseas. So thank you, Molly, for being my battle, buddy. For those of you who, who don't know when your spouse does get out of the military service, they are still in the reserves for a period of time.

And that's, so we don't have to bring back the draft and it is only in times of great distress. So Yeah, I don't think we're to that point. So thankfully

Molly 04:18

... we're definitely not, definitely not to that point yet. And hopefully we don't get to that point but , that's something that is really out of our control.

And so that's what I've been kind of reminding myself and really focusing in on what I can control in terms of my mindset. I can control not watching the news not, searching endlessly on YouTube for news. It does come up because it's everywhere, but, you know, social media is huge and there are fake videos of tons of stuff circulating and it can really send someone in a downward spiral in terms of just kind of getting caught up in it and it's not that we shouldn't care about it. We obviously care about it, but you have to put your mental health first and your family first, and really try. And I don't want to say get a grip. That was the first thing that came to my mind. Cause that's what I told myself the other day is like, get a grip, like, come on, get a grip.

But, but really just put things in perspective and control what you can and just be thankful that you're safe. Cause a lot of people are not in that same situation right now.

Erin 05:28

Yeah. And I just want to validate your feelings, Molly and where you're coming from, because even as a veteran spouse, you went through two deployments with your husband during a time of conflict. And that has to bring back a lot of those feelings and emotions. And. Almost I don't want to necessarily say trauma, but like kind of like a flashback feeling of what that's like and worrying about your spouse.

And I don't think those really go away and they stay with that vet spouse. So if you're feeling that and you're like, well, but my spouse isn't active anymore. So why am I worrying about this? It's completely normal to feel that way, because you have felt that before and that stress comes back and those emotions come back.

And what Molly is saying in terms of do things to protect yourself. Like if not turning on the news is what's going to protect you and keep you moving and strong for your family and for your either veteran spouse or active duty spouse then do that. I, I know that I can sometimes spiral into this guilt loop that I am healthy. My family is safe. All of these things, I'm not doing enough. What am I supposed to do? I need to help. I need to help. And just by being a military family, you are helping, you are part of the change. You are doing that something good. You and your family are doing something you are a part of making this world a better place. And so don't sell yourself short in that and don't go into the spiral that I think sometimes, especially as people who are, who are helpers and doers, go into that spiral of I'm not doing enough, but you are, you, you know, you, you taking care of yourself and your mental health and your emotional health is what is best for your military service member.

Molly 07:41

I couldn't agree more.

Erin 07:42

Yeah. And I feel like, we're just in a different place. It's not the same experience as in civilian life where, you know, maybe it's all right for them to watch the news every day. We're, we're not in that space. It's important for us to know what's going on in terms of checking in.

And I, and I do that with my husband. I kind of check in and if we do watch the news we watch something lighthearted afterwards or something that we enjoy, or we do something together to kind of balance that negativity. And I just want this to be a safe space to say that it's okay to protect yourself and keep moving forward.

And I do have a list of things that you can do during this time of conflict and uncertainty. I found it on militaryonesource.mil, and I go there often as a resource of, you know, where to find things, to help me in any kind of situation that I'm in. And so I do recommend if you're a new spouse, please go on Military One Source and just poke around and see what you find there, but they do have a list and they have this article that is managing your emotions when your spouse is deployed and it breaks it down to before the deployment, during the deployment and after the deployment. But I want to kind of take some of these things and use it for this time, even if your spouse isn't deploying.

These are things that I'm trying to do and I encourage you to do as well to kind of keep yourself grounded during these times, but I'm going to rearrange them a little bit.

So first I would say. Don't try to hide your feelings. I think by Molly, you messaging me and telling me how you were feeling, and then asking me if I was okay. Finally made me admit, like everything that was going on. Cause I was totally in denial mode honestly, and just ignoring everything. And so...

Molly 09:47

Hey, I was in that same boat until I messaged you too, because, you know, I saw a video and that just brought a flood of emotions.

And then my husband telling me that he was still on inactive reserves and I was just, it all hit me at once because yes, I was trying my best to kind of not ignore it. Ignore is not the right word, but I was trying to compartmentalize it. So that I could, you know, like function and be okay for my little girls and at work and all of that kind of stuff.

So yeah, it did, it hit me and that's exactly why I reached out to you. So yeah.

Erin 10:21

Yeah. And you know, this, the second one I want to say is like reach out to others who are in the same situation. So don't try to hide your feelings and reach out to someone who's in the similar position. Because, we do "soldier up for our families" because we have to. We have spouses that are in deployment. We're going through periods of time where we're alone or we have to be the one that's in the happy space to keep the positivity in the household and in the family.

But we have to admit to ourselves when things are going on in our minds. So they don't bottle up and explode and we can still be as strong for our families. So don't try to hide your feelings, find your battle buddy, reach out to them, check in on them and also express where you're at.

Because for three, you need to concentrate on what is in your power. And that is if you have a job, you do your job well. If it's taking care of your kids, focus on your kids. Maybe it's really diving into that homework with them, or you bake cookies together or I know girl scout cookies are being sold right now. So maybe you pour your energy into helping your little one learn how to be an entrepreneur. Maybe there is a group on your military installation that you really want to pour yourself into. Maybe it's a small group or maybe an event going on that you're a leader of that you want to put your focus into, but, but you, you can only control what's in your circle and what is happening in front of you. We're not going to change some leader in another country's mind. That's that's not possible for me, Erin, the army wife to do. I, I can't do that, but what I can do is make sure that my pets are fed. I can do that. Make sure I'm not posting any negativity on social media to contribute to someone else's stress. I can definitely do that. I can definitely, you know, kind of back off a little bit and realize it's, it's a crazy time for everyone and not try to stir up a bunch of things.

And that's just how I see it, you know, I can Send my family a funny video or something to just make them smile for the day. Cause it's stressful for them as well, knowing that their daughter and sister and cousin is over here in a time of uncertainty as well. And it, and it's kind of interesting to watch them navigate talking to me about it. The only people that have asked me my mom has asked me. You know, she, she kind of prefaces things with, I don't really want to ask too much. Like they don't really know where the boundary is. And so that's something else that you can control is your boundary. Somebody asks, is it okay for me to talk about this?

You can say yes or no. Or you can say I'll talk about it for a few minutes and then I kind of want to move on. You can be honest and let them know where you're at and then kind of, you know, put your boundary up my best friend back home only talked to me about it because I mentioned something to her.

I don't remember what it was. But I think to let her know that we were okay or something and cause I know she's thinking it, but she's not going to ask me unless I bring it up. And that's always what she says. Well, I wasn't going to bring it up because I didn't know if I could talk to you about it. But those are things in your control as well, who you talk to about it, who you set boundaries with...

is there anything you want to add to that Molly?

Molly 14:29

What you consume in terms of social media, news, you know, No, I, I love that. Yeah, concentrate on. And there's a difference between concentrating on what you can control and completely being oblivious of what's going on and out of touch with it.

Erin 14:46

Yes, yes, thank you for that..

Molly 14:47

You know, it's, it's really the distinction there is you're not ignoring what's going on.

It's hard to ignore and you're obviously going to think about it, but it's, it's the majority of your time. Like you still have to, you know, real life, you still have to do your job. You still have to take care of your pets and your children and be there for your spouses. But it's just important to, again, just compartmentalize it and, and make sure that you're still doing what you need to do.

Erin 15:18

I remember when Kayla was on here, she said, "what I can do is make sure my kids grow up to be good people and strong people and people who were going to be changers for this world." That's what I, you know, I, as in her have to focus on and I really appreciated that because it was very honest and very real, and it was, it was right, you know?

Molly 15:48

Yeah, I know and in that aspect in motherhood, it can really kind of take over because that is, that is your primary goal is to raise good humans and make sure that they are safe and taken care of. And that can be all consuming. Even if you do have a job. So, yeah, the focus, the focus definitely needs to be on them.

And that's what you are currently doing to help is you are raising the next generation.

Erin 16:18

Putting a positive spin on that, I think is important because the other thing I want to talk about is taking care of yourself. So you can concentrate on the things that you can control, because if you're not getting enough sleep, if you're not moving your body, if you're not eating things that are good for you and make you feel better, if you're not drinking water, you know... self care, it's fun to talk about when it's like a bubble bath or a face mask, which I love... did yesterday, but there's other things too, like, you know, taking care of the laundry, doing the dishes, making sure you went to the grocery. So you have food to eat, making sure that you are getting time for your body to move around in a way that it likes to move around. Go on a walk, things like.

Journaling. I've been journaling a lot lately and it was really hard at first because it's kind of intimidating, but I just like set a timer for 10 minutes and I just wrote whatever I wanted to, and I didn't really put too much pressure on myself. And now it's starting to become a bit of a habit and it's helping get my ideas out so they don't consume me and they don't bottle up to where I overflow with too many emotions. And those are things that you can do for yourself.

Molly 17:46

Do you do like open journaling or do you do with a prompt?

Erin 17:52

I do open journaling. I do have one. I have, I do have a journal. That's like a prompt book that I was doing for a while. So it was something to kind of help me start that habit, but now I just open journal. But the timer helped me. Putting 10 minutes down and it was like... start out with three minutes, start with five minutes. Like something, anything is better than nothing. If you want to voice record.

So I used to use that sometimes just like talking to my phone or something, just get it out there. You know, it's being honest with yourself and meeting yourself where you're at. A lot of times we gotta be our own best friends, as military spouses and vet spouses because sometimes it's just us.

Molly 18:35

So I do something similar with Snapchat.

Erin 18:39

Oh yeah?

Molly 18:39

So, you know, I feel like I'm talking to myself, but I'm really talking like to whoever I'm sending it to, but that's how I communicate and get things out sometimes with whoever I'm talking to at the moment, but yeah, like getting over the fact that you are like, technically talking to yourself but being okay with talking to yourself and, and just getting your feelings out.

And you could do that with Snapchat instead of, you know, your voice recording and just not send it to anyone and just like have a," one way conversation". Just to get things out, I've done that with like venting about situations or whatever.

I don't actually want to tell anybody , cause they can't help or if no one's available, I'll just like record a Snapchat. I love Snapchat because you can rewatch it. So like sometimes I'll do it and then I'll rewash it and be like, oh my gosh, that's so silly or, oh, you know what now rewatching, it, it gives me kind of a different perspective.

And now I know how to fix.

Erin 19:37

I love that.

Molly 19:39

So it's kind of an interesting tool that I've come up with to do something similar. And I literally have not thought about that until you just brought it up and I'm like, oh, I kind of do that in the similar fashion.

Erin 19:52

I'd love that. I mean, put a funny filter on it and like with a, maybe like a different voice and then like you listened to it back in it and it kinda like makes it easier to, to hear.

Molly 20:04

Yeah, I love that situation. A situation that is not funny could easily become funny. If you put one of those Snapchat filters on, oh, I'm going to totally do that next time. I'm really upset. I'm going to vent with the, with the thing on, and then re watch it with the filter, the voice changer. That is a great idea.

Erin 20:23

So well, and that goes on to learning some stress management techniques that work for you. I mean, that's something right there! That's a great one. I'm definitely going to try that.

And I also encourage you. I mean, I've been very honest about seeing a therapist on this podcast and you definitely don't have to do that.

But military one source does have a number you can call if you just want like nonmedical counseling or just someone to talk to, and you can do that with your spouse. You can do that by yourself. You can do that with kids and just finding some ways to, calm yourself down.

Sometimes that's playing music. If you play an instrument, maybe it's painting. The point is just doing it and getting out of your head and doing something that you either find relaxing or you enjoy. So you could get an app on your phone that may be has some meditation. I used to go on YouTube all the time and find like just some simple meditations, you know, free on YouTube and would listen to those and try to like, get my Headspace in a, in a different place. And somewhere that I could actually start working through some of these things.

Molly 21:49

Definitely. And I just remembered, I was like, I used to like color, like I have this, like these really pretty marker set and colored pencils. And I need to find it when we moved. I, I don't know where it is and that's why I haven't used it. Cause I don't know where it is. So I need to break that back out.

I even have a coloring book that is like pretty designs, but then it has like a swear word in it. And so it's funny as like swear words or like you know, oh gosh, like funny inappropriate phrases, but then it's pretty and beautiful behind it. And you like color it while you're like looking at this inappropriate saying and phrase. I think my friend got it off of Amazon and sent it to me. But I haven't, I haven't done that in a really long time. I used to be really good about it in pregnancy because the pregnancy hormones can just run away with you in seconds. So that was kind of my coping mechanism for, for that.

But I, I, like I said, I have, I've no idea where it is. So I'm going to find that.

Erin 22:50

My husband gave me an adult coloring book and markers for Christmas and I do it all the time.

We do have a self care episode. So episode eight, we have short and sweet self self-care tips that Molly goes through. I recommend you listening to that episode and, and.

Molly 23:10

It's more than just bubble baths and face masks. I'll tell you that.

Erin 23:16

Yeah, definitely.

Molly 23:18

But super helpful. Especially in, in these times where everything is kind of bombarding us. Fogging our mind, it's a importance. And that is a reminder that I also need to do that because I am currently under the weather.

And so usually my immune system is suppressed when I am stressed and not doing self care. So , it's either that, or, you know, the little ones at school. But it's one of the two, one of the two.

Erin 23:44

Yeah. One of the other things that I will say is, your service member might have a lot of opinions about what's going on. And, and the best thing I would say to that is just to listen to them. And I know that it can be easy to say what you think, but I think during these times of, of conflict, it's just really important to let your spouse express themselves if they start to and they may not. They may not say how they feel about what's going on at all. Or they may at times bring it up randomly, or they may talk about it for hours. Meet your spouse where they're at, as well. And be just as kind and as loving as you can.

Molly 24:33

Absolutely.

Erin 24:33

And hug your spouse a little tighter if they're home. If they're deployed, my heart goes out to you and we thank everyone for their service, and we're very grateful, very grateful for your service member and yourself and all that you do for our great country and for our country's families

Molly 25:00

Yes. Thank you for all of your service and sacrifice.