How To Pull Yourself Out Of The Darkness

Pulling yourself out of the darkness is not easy. It takes a lot of time, commitment, and effort to turn your life around. And that's why it can be so easy to give up on yourself.

You don't have to be lost in the dark.

There are many things you can do to pull yourself out and these tips will help!

Is your spouse struggling to win their VA disability claim? Help your service member and check out VA Claims Insider! Schedule your FREE 30-minute, no-obligation Discovery Call with a team member! Click here now!!

Check out our other channels!
Instagram: milspouse_house
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/milspousehouse
Website: milspousehouse.vaclaimsinsider.com
 

Check out The VA Claims Insider YouTube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/vaclaimsinsider

VA Claims Insider
Veterans helping veterans get the VA disability rating and compensation they deserve by law!

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Erin: 

[00:00:04] Welcome back MilSpouses. Today I wanna kind of jump into something that I've been dealing with. And Molly, I think like, I don't know if you've been dealing with this, but just like feeling stuck and like in a rut and like things aren't going your way. And I know for me when that happens, I tend to spiral' 

[00:00:29] Molly: Same..

[00:00:29] Erin: I can go down real fast. And, and here's the thing, especially with military spouses, we don't have a lot of things that are in our control. Things happen all the time that we just have to deal with or go with the flow with, or accept and sometimes it can leave you hollow. You're not yourself anymore because all of these things are happening to you [00:01:00] and you aren't choosing to do them necessarily yourself.

[00:01:04] Like, yes, we chose this life in a sense, , we married someone we love who happens to be in the military. And maybe that is a, one of the reasons why we love them. But. But we're not choosing the day to day scenarios or activities that surround us and affect our lives. And for myself, someone who deals with depression and anxiety a lot, this can trigger me when I start to lose control or when I start to feel like things are just piling a on top of me and I got to feel like I'm not the only one out there that feels like this, that, that feels like when things are just not going, right. You tend to go dark and like deep in this hole and you can't, sometimes you can't even realize that you're there [00:02:00] until you're like way down in there. 

[00:02:03] Molly: Yeah. Yeah. And, and it's hard to, and then it's even harder to get yourself out.

[00:02:07] If you don't even know you're there. It's so hard to get out or , find solutions to the problems I find when I'm like down or overwhelmed that my practical part of my brain is really hard. It like turns off. So simple tasks are really, really hard for me to overcome and think through something that I would have no problem getting through.

[00:02:34] But if I'm, if my brain is telling me that I'm overwhelmed, I'm anxious that, that just kind of flips that practical thinking off. 

[00:02:44] And when I, when I'm in this, I think of literally like I'm in like a crater in the earth and like to get out, you have to figure out, okay... am I climbing out? Do I need to go find a ladder? And even those little things. [00:03:00] If you don't know why you're there, it's really hard to find that solution. But in terms of military, I would get like this, if a training popped up that would send him away or deployment got pushed. 

[00:03:12] I'm a planner. I love to plan. I love to plan ahead and call me a control freak, but I like to find the things that I can control and in the military, that was really hard. So what I would do is, , if there was, let's say, oh, I don't know, they wanna send your husband to Hawaii for three weeks when you just had a baby.

[00:03:35] So again, I was in that hormonal anxious, exhausted, overwhelmed hole. And then they want to send him to Hawaii for three weeks. And so my mind went straight into planning. What can I control? What can I plan if you know, I need help who can I call on? So I just went straight into that planning [00:04:00] and I made sure that I was covered each of those three weeks with some one to help me because I knew I couldn't do it alone.

[00:04:08] I probably could, but it would've been a lot harder, especially with my. First born. I had a dog at the time. I couldn't wrap my brain around it because again, that, that common sense that functional thinking just wasn't on point. 

[00:04:25] Erin: Right. And you've talked a, a little bit about your postpartum depression and I think one thing that like you and I can both connect with, is that depression? And the thing about when you spiral down into that dark hole, what's causing that is the thought of failure, the thought of not being good enough, the thought of not doing a good enough job, the thought of not keeping up you know you can feel stupid or an adequate, or like, " Other mothers are doing it. Why can't I?" Or, "other spouses are doing it? Why can't I?" And you start to [00:05:00] create these lies in your head. And those things become difficult to un-weave. Like you have this web and you're tangled up in it. And so what we wanna do is, is start to realize that these thoughts that flare up when things are going bad and things are going dark they're symptoms, they're not the truth.

[00:05:24] They're not reality. They are symptoms of your state of mind and where you're at in your emotional state and your mental state. So, here at MilSpouse House we wanna try to encourage you to treat those symptoms while neither one of us are doctors of psychology or psychiatrists or anything like that I still feel like we can help if you're feeling like you're in that dark space because we get it. And we understand, and I know for myself, I'm [00:06:00] actively trying to keep myself out of that dark hole and that's something I have to work at every day and with the encouragement of others, I think that things have gotten better and I want it to be better for you too, if you're listening and you're struggling.

[00:06:17] Molly: Yeah. I like how you said let's treat them like a symptom because let's just kind of go a little medical. Yes, we are not medical doctors or practitioners, but let's use this analogy. You can oftentimes treat the symptom until you figure out the root cause.

[00:06:33] Erin: Mm. 

[00:06:34] Molly: So you don't necessarily have to know why you're in the hole to treat the symptoms while you're there. It's definitely not going to fix the problem, but you can still make it easier on yourself or treat the symptom and feel a little bit better when you're trying to figure out kind of what led you there or why you're there. Then you can kind of go at that root cause, but you can always treat the symptom without knowing that cause. 

[00:06:59] Erin: [00:07:00] Yeah, and I also want to give a few examples of like how you can kind of recognize that you're going into that space. I guess some symptoms that can occur, are you drinking a little bit more than you normally would?

[00:07:15] Are you binge eating? Are you chain smoking? Are you like constantly trying to get that immediate rush or release from the stress in your life? Are you upset all the time? Do little things irritate you and you can't figure out why? Are you crying when you're alone? Are you sleeping more? Are you not sleeping at all? Are you trying to be busy every moment of the day? And if you are like, those are signs that you're struggling.

[00:07:46] Those are things that we wanna start realizing, becoming aware of. The being busy all the time is one that I like do. My therapist was like, you struggle when you don't have things to do [00:08:00] because you're quiet and those little voices start to peek in your head that you're not good enough. You should be better at this.

[00:08:08] Why aren't you like this military spouse who seems to have it all together? So you have to start to realize those things when I'm trying to just be busy every moment of the day. Okay. Something's going on? I have to kind of take a step back or if things irritate me and I have no idea why. That used to spiral kind of outta control , but now I can acknowledge it and be like, why did that upset me?

[00:08:36] Why did my husband just like walking loudly irritate me, you know, , something like something random. why, why, why is he breathing so loud?

[00:08:47] Molly: Why is his presence annoying right now? 

[00:08:51] Erin: and that's okay. It's okay that, that happens. It happens to all of us. 

[00:08:56] Molly: I find that I look for or change. Like I look to change [00:09:00] something.

[00:09:00] If I'm looking for too much change and it can be as simple as changing my hair, changing my hair products to try and get a different result. I've been through a couple of stages. I hate shopping. I...

[00:09:13] Erin: really?!

[00:09:13] Molly: Honestly, I, okay. I hate shopping for myself. I have not shopped for clothes in so long.

[00:09:19] My husband is nodding his head, listening to this right now. I'm terrible. I can shop for the kids. I can even shop for him. I can shop for anything else. But for some reason I... I mean, I've never been good to fashion, so maybe I I'm just like overwhelmed of the thought of it, but I've always wanted a capsule wardrobe and I've tried so many times.

[00:09:43] Erin: What is that? 

[00:09:45] Molly: So a capsule wardrobe is like a wardrobe that like everything in your closet can be worn multiple ways. 

[00:09:52] Erin: Oh, okay.

[00:09:53] Molly: So it simplifies your closet. So I feel like that's why I want it, but like starting a capsule wardrobe, [00:10:00] I find that I always want to do that when I'm like grasping for something. I don't know exactly why, but I feel like when I am kind of down or overwhelmed, I look for things that I could do to try and make myself happy. Or successful if I like, , if I, if I'm kind of stumbling and like not doing as well at work, or, if I'm kind of feeling down about my parenting or how I'm raising the girls I try and find something kind of like "easy" to fix.

[00:10:35] Erin: Oh yeah. 

[00:10:36] Molly: By no means is a capsule wardrobe easy, but for some reason I always gravitate towards it when I feel myself going there. Like when I was suffering from my postpartum depression. Again, I wanted a makeover. I wanted like a mommy makeover. Cause I was trying to like search for something that I didn't know what I was searching for.

[00:10:56] So I wanted change. But I always find that I try and look for [00:11:00] those little things when I'm overwhelmed. Which is putting even more on my plate, so it does not make sense. So the mind of Molly does not always make sense. But I just kind of came to that realization, like, okay, what do I do? , when I'm, when I'm down like that and...

[00:11:14] Erin: Right. And I did find an article from psychology today. The article is " The deep dark hole of depression. Finding a way to acknowledge the depression rather than live it."

[00:11:25] And Molly, could you read that quote for us? 

[00:11:28] Molly: Yeah, sure. "So there's a gray area that needs to be acknowledged. There is a gap between ignoring the fact that life is difficult in the present moment and thinking that life will always be difficult. How do you move from living in the whole to acknowledging the whole? You start by acting you start by reengaging yourself into your life. You start doing those things that you would want to do if you weren't depressed. "

[00:11:57] Erin: Yeah. And so in [00:12:00] reading that I kind of was thinking about, well, what are some ways that we can pull ourselves out and like begin to re-engage ourselves to spark the light. To try not to sprint to happiness or clarity or to perfection or sprint to everything being right again. How can we take slow, steady steps to ensure that we're actually coming from a place healing?

[00:12:38] When we do that, we create habits. You don't wanna like try to fix everything one day and then the next day you realize you can't maintain everything you told yourself that you were gonna do.

[00:12:48] And so you crash even harder.

[00:12:52] I, I mean, and if you're a perfectionist out there, you know that that's what can happen. You try, "I'm gonna write down [00:13:00] every single thing that I'm gonna do tomorrow because I have to, because that's, what's gonna make me a perfect wife, perfect mom, perfect person at work and all these things."

[00:13:07] And then you can't make, maintain that expectation and you do worse than what you did originally. 

[00:13:15] So here are a few things to help us try to navigate through the darkness and pull ourselves out of the hole. 

[00:13:25] So, first I want to say that you have to decide that you want to feel better. It is so easy to wallow.

[00:13:31] It is so easy to just wanna sit in it and never get out because it, it can be scary. Happiness sometimes can be intimidating and can be scary because what if you lose it? What if you lose that sense of pride or sense of ownership over yourself? So we first have to wake up being our own champion and it's not that thing of like, "Oh, well, if [00:14:00] you're depressed, just choose to be happy."

[00:14:01] That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you have to choose yourself and you have to make the active decision that you want a better life for yourself.

[00:14:15] And that also starts with remembering that nothing is forever. We know that in the military all too well. 

[00:14:21] Molly: mm-hmm 

[00:14:21] Erin: You don't stay in one, one spot forever. You're not in one stage or part of your journey as a military spouse forever. And neither is this darkness. This darkness doesn't have to be forever.

[00:14:34] There is hope, and there is a possibility to move forward and move past it. 

[00:14:39] The second thing I'll say is you can't change the past. So to dwell on it and dissect what you've done /should have done. Isn't productive. Nothing can change . There's literally nothing you can do, but focus on what you can do today and can control right now.

[00:14:59] Molly. I know [00:15:00] that happens to us sometimes. Like at work, like we're like, if I just would've done that or even at like in my house, I'm like, oh, why didn't I do the laundry yesterday? Why didn't I do that? And I beat myself up for it. Do you, do you ever do that? 

[00:15:15] Molly: Oh yeah, yeah. Constantly. Or it's like I do the laundry, I start the laundry and then it sits in the dryer.

[00:15:24] It's just like, why did I, why did I think starting laundry at 6:00 PM? I don't want to fold laundry right before bed. Well, I, I knew that was not gonna work, but I was feeling productive, , and just like, okay, I won't do that next time. Fast forward. Next Sunday, do the same thing. So definitely acknowledging acknowledging it.

[00:15:46] And then following through on the task too, is. Like, so I've seen so many like tik toks and memes about this. So I know I'm not the only mom or even parent that does this, but as soon as my kids go [00:16:00] to sleep, 

[00:16:00] Erin: mm-hmm, 

[00:16:01] Molly: like, I'm, I'm practically like, just I'm I'm so ready for them to go to sleep. 

[00:16:06] I, I love my children. I love them so much, but a lot of the times I am like counting down to bedtime, like, okay, I need some peace and quiet. I need, I have this, this, this, this, this, and this to do, , I can't wait for them to go to sleep so I can get stuff done. The minute they go to sleep, all I wanna do is go scroll on TikTok or, you know, just go sit on the couch and talk to my husband or, I wanna do anything.

[00:16:32] Erin: mm-hmm 

[00:16:32] Molly: It happens over and over and over again. And it has happened for the last three years. And I know I'm not the only one that experiences this, but literally I, I just, I wait for them to go to sleep and I'm like, okay, I can get so much done. And then as soon as I walk out of the room, it, like, my mindset is just flipped.

[00:16:54] It's just like, Nope. I wanna sit on the couch. 

[00:16:56] Erin: Well, but you've been busy all day, too. , you, [00:17:00] you have to give your, and, and this is part of what I'm talking about is like recognizing where you're at and, and being like, Kind to yourself, not dwelling on everything, but recognizing what you need in that moment.

[00:17:16] And it sounds like what you need in that moment is some peace and quiet and rest and you time. So you can be rejuvenated to do all those things that you need to do on your list. Yeah. 

[00:17:27] Molly: Yeah. And another example is, in the morning, I know that if I get up before the girls.

[00:17:36] I will have a better day. Yeah. And I know that I, I know that hard and fast. Like every time I do it, it's Bulletproof. It is, it does work. But then the baby's up all night long and all I wanna do when my alarm goes off is to just snooze it, because I'm so exhausted 

[00:17:54] Erin: Yeah. 

[00:17:54] Molly: and so it's like, yes, I totally had every single intention of getting up and showering [00:18:00] before the girls woke up or just at least drinking a hot cup of coffee.

[00:18:03] And I even tell myself that when I'm laying in bed, when my alarms going off, like, " you'll feel better. Like just get up. You'll feel so much better after you shower or, how good does a hot cup of coffee?" Like I do that, that self-talk every single morning, but then when I'm doing the self-talk, I fall back asleep.

[00:18:20] Erin: You're starting to like ruminate. I always had a problem with ruminating and like thinking too much , so we wanna, we wanna try to stop thinking too much and like working on action.

[00:18:29] So a question for you, Molly about that, and this kind of leads into what I'm gonna talk about next. How much time are you trying to like, like wake up early than you normally do? 

[00:18:41] Molly: I mean that, and that, and that's the hard thing too, is that, especially with daylight savings time, it really kicked our butts.

[00:18:49] The time that the girls wake up is different, so that's not consistent. So they don't wake up at a consistent time. So sometimes I'll be like, okay, my alarm set at five o'clock the girls. [00:19:00] I mean, at least, , my older, my older daughter wakes up at around six. Sometimes 5:30, 5:36 ish, so that I can at least have a half an hour, if not a full hour by myself, but then the baby she's all over the place.

[00:19:17] So I can never guarantee that I can get up prior to her. It's just like, okay, I'll, I'm gonna get up at. 4:30 and she might wake up at 4:45 or like this morning, 3:45. And so it's just so hit or miss and it's, and that's hard for me because I'm a planner. So like I planned on waking up, you know, and showering, but then when I woke up, I noticed that she was standing in her crib. And so then that immediately foils my plan of taking a shower or getting... and I feel like that is playing with my mind as well. 

[00:19:53] Erin: It is. 

[00:19:54] Molly: Because even if I make that plan to get up and then I'm getting up early with her. [00:20:00] 

[00:20:01] Erin: And then you feel bad and you should have done this and you should have done this.

[00:20:04] Molly: I should have said it a half an hour earlier, you know, like, 

[00:20:07] Erin: well ,but here's what would recommend and like, I'm not a parent. So I obviously do not understand what you're going through and I do acknowledge that children can be unpredictable, but I would start off with smaller increments. I think an hour too much pressure for your brain when it's half asleep.

[00:20:26] Five minutes would give you even time to get that cup of coffee, 10 minutes...

[00:20:30] Molly: to brush my teeth.

[00:20:31] Erin: To brush your teeth. That helps your body get into a rhythm versus this high expectation that you obviously can't reach right now. You might one day, but it's not in this moment.

[00:20:44] And that brings me to my next point is, you are good at what you focus on , but you have to be honest with the amount that you can give. Right? So, pick one thing that you think is gonna make [00:21:00] yourself better, but put a like low bar on it. If it's working out more, 15 minutes of movement and we've talked about this before, Molly has talked about like, five squats when you're waiting for the microwave, or like something. 

[00:21:16] Give yourself small milestones. If it is more quiet time. Set a timer for 10 minutes. Be like, I'm just gonna let my mind rest. I would love to do an hour of meditation, but like, that is impossible for me. I cannot do that. 10 minutes is hard. So, , start off small. If you wanna wake up earlier. Try to do it in small increments for a long period of time.

[00:21:43] It's just like losing weight, right? Like it's a slow process, but that's how you achieve results. If you do it really fast and you do like a crash diet and you're like, "Woooo, I'm gonna try to lose 10 pounds in like a week." You're gonna gain it all back. You're gonna [00:22:00] get those bad habits back.

[00:22:01] If you try to put too much expectation on yourself. Which I feel like we all do. If it's cleaning the house. Oh my gosh. 

[00:22:12] Set a timer, set a timer for what can I pick up in five minutes? In five minutes my cluttered desk that it is right now could probably be clean and I'll probably feel just the tiniest bit better.

[00:22:26] Molly: Yeah. I've been trying to do this for so long and literally I'm gonna, I'm gonna write it down and I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna let you know if it works.

[00:22:34] I've seen this so many different places. I think it's called the fly by method, but there's like a whole method to it, but I'm just very simple.

[00:22:43] I'm simplifying it from a lot. But it's like one room or one task a day. And so I love, I don't know what they're called, but like trash Tuesday. So... tuesdays, I always do all the trash in the house. And I'm saying this, like, I'm [00:23:00] going to do it, you know, 

[00:23:01] Erin: yeah... 

[00:23:01] Molly: or, you know, you wash your sheets on Saturday or Sunday. Just pick two days a week that you vaccum and you like that is your one cleaning task. So it all doesn't fall. Cause what happens with us is it all falls on Sunday. I hate Sundays, hate Sundays.

[00:23:18] Like, I would love to have a, a family day on Sunday instead of, you know, having to grocery shop, having to do laundry, having to clean the house. Like there's so many things to get done on Sunday.

[00:23:28] And then by the end of Sunday, it's like, wow, that was less than relaxing. And I snapped at the kids because I had too much on my list, and I, and I had such high expectations of them playing by themselves that I couldn't get everything on my list. 

[00:23:43] And then it's like, oh, now, now Monday rolls around. And I'm even more exhausted. 

[00:23:48] Erin: Yeah. I completely agree. So let's you and I, for everyone listening you and I will have a challenge of something that we're gonna do. Let's pick one day. And we'll do...

[00:23:59] Molly: one [00:24:00] cleaning task. Yeah. One cleaning task a day. 

[00:24:03] Erin: Okay. I want to, let's see.

[00:24:09] Okay. I'm awful at laundry, my laundry piles up. So I will do that. I'm going to do laundry on Thursdays. I can do that. Okay. I can do, because then if I do it once a week, it'll just be one load probably . 

[00:24:25] Molly: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:24:26] Erin: So I, yeah. And then I'm gonna set a timer. So like putting the laundry in is fine. It's obviously the folding and putting away for me. So I'm gonna set a timer for 15 minutes, to fold and put away, because then it doesn't seem as daunting if I'm like, well, that's only 15 minutes out of my day, cuz it doesn't take long.

[00:24:46] Molly: No, I always make it so much. I almost make...

[00:24:51] and it's like, I, I try to make the folding fun. I try to, watch a show or, do something, but then if [00:25:00] I get it folded, then it sits on the couch for another day or until one of my girls decides to jump on the couch and... hmm unfold. All of it.

[00:25:10] Erin: So since it's only 15 minutes, it's a follow through. Right. So if you give yourself that short amount of time, you have to like commit yourself to do that follow through of, okay. It's only 15 minutes. I can put the clothes away. Okay. That's mine. Do you wanna do the same one or are you gonna do a different one?

[00:25:26] Molly: I'm gonna do. Okay. So the bathrooms are a point. The bathrooms, I feel like it's such a daunting task, cause there's so think about if you're cleaning a bathroom, there's so many different tasks you have to do like things you have to clean the mirror, the floors, the toilet, the trash, the, you, , just the sinks, the countertops.

[00:25:44] There's so many things. The bathtub. Oh my gosh. Don't even get me, sir, on the bathtub, in the shower. There's so many and they don't all have to be done at the same time. So what if I just do, like on Mondays, I go through and clean all the sinks . [00:26:00] Tuesdays I go through and do all the trash or trash because trash is really quick.

[00:26:05] Maybe Tuesdays I do trash and toilet. So I clean two. I don't mean we only have two toilets. How long is it gonna take me to clean both toilets? 

[00:26:12] Erin: So let's pick one 

[00:26:13] Molly: not long. 

[00:26:13] Erin: So let's pick one thing that you're gonna do Molly. And I'll like... we'll just pick one that you're gonna do for 15 minutes, one day a week, and we'll report back on this next...

[00:26:27] Molly: okay. 

[00:26:27] Erin: It, maybe in a month, we'll give ourselves a month and we'll report back to see if we've actually followed through. So what's your one 15 minutes, one day a week.

[00:26:36] Molly: I have so many. 

[00:26:39] Erin: I know you do. let's sink. Let's do the sink. 

[00:26:43] Molly: Okay. The sinks. Yes, let's do the sink. I'm gonna do the sinks on, midweek. I'm gonna do sinks on Wednesday. I'm gonna clean all the sinks. 

[00:26:51] Erin: Perfect. 

[00:26:51] Molly: Even the kitchen sink on Wednesdays. 

[00:26:54] Erin: And set your timer for minutes. We'll put our reminder on our phones.

[00:26:59] All right. [00:27:00] So we'll let you know how we do. And if you noticed Molly wanted to do everything right, and we have to practice, 

[00:27:09] Molly: I know expectations.

[00:27:11] Erin: We have to practice realistic, honest, and humble expectations. We have to be kind to ourselves. Right? So the next thing I want to say is do what you, what we just did.

[00:27:24] Talk to someone who is also a champion for you, be honest about what's going on in your life and how you're feeling, and then tell them your plan so they can show up for you. If you don't tell someone what you need, then they're not gonna know how to be there for you. And if you verbally say your commitment, well, then you're more likely to do it, right?

[00:27:51] Like you have somebody that can check in on you. Like now I'm gonna ask Molly next week if she cleaned her sinks. And [00:28:00] if she didn't put too much expectation on herself to do everything. Cause like we wanna have the checks and balances here, but you've gotta have someone on your team.

[00:28:11] It can't just be you all the time. 

[00:28:15] Molly: Absolutely. 

[00:28:15] Erin: And, and I practice this with my husband. I struggled for so long. Just the military spouse life was a shock to my system. It just was. And so... now I kind of have more of a plan for myself and things that I've worked on that have become a little bit more of a habit, but I've been honest with my husband about it and I'm, I'm like telling him what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. If you tell someone the why behind it, that also can kind of, of them where your thought process is and, and what you might be going through. And you don't even have to go too deep into it because you're telling them why you're doing it. [00:29:00] 

[00:29:00] I have started to go to the free yoga class. I do it once a week, even though it's two days a week, I'm gonna try to go again today. But if I don't, you know, I already did it this week, so it's okay. But the reason why I'm going is because, it just makes me feel better. I sit down all day, my back hurts and I just like don't feel well. And so I tell him I'm doing this because of this.

[00:29:29] So he knows that, oh, I didn't even realize that her body's been bothering her. Like, I didn't know. They don't know everything. They can't read our minds. 

[00:29:42] Molly: We can read theirs. 

[00:29:43] Erin: I tried. I think I can read his mind. I'm learning that too. I'm learning that I cannot read my husband's mind and I think I can.

[00:29:54] And so then, I'll say something to him and he'll give me a response and I'll be like, [00:30:00] "oh, so that's what he meant when he said that." But no, he really just meant what he said. He just meant what he said. 

[00:30:07] Molly: I'm terrible at reading into things. Awful at it. 

[00:30:11] Erin: "What do you want for dinner? "

[00:30:13] "I don't know. I really don't care."

[00:30:14] "Oh, so he doesn't care about going to dinner with me. He doesn't care about like, helping me out. Doesn't he see that this is a difficult decision for me and I just wanna make him happy."

[00:30:26] No, like he literally didn't care. 

[00:30:29] Molly: Not only are we the same person, but it sounds like our husbands are the same person as well.

[00:30:35] Erin: Yeah. 

[00:30:35] Molly: No wonder we get along so well. 

[00:30:37] Erin: He didn't care. And I read into it and I let those little lies bubble up and tangled me in their web, like a little cocoon and I couldn't get out. Right. So communication... hey, if, if.. So planning dinner for the weekends is stressful for me. And it puts a lot of pressure on me cause I feel like it's all me.[00:31:00] 

[00:31:00] And so I told my husband, I want you to pick two meals that you want for this weekend because it helps me. It, it helps me. Put together the list when I'm going to the grocery, cuz it kind of stresses me out not knowing what you want to eat that week. And if you just tell me two meals, I can figure out the rest cuz he'll eat whatever .

[00:31:25] Well, his answer was. Something to celebrate St. Patrick's day, which is a start to what I want him to do. I want him to give me an actual meal, but he gave me a holiday. So I'll run with that. 

[00:31:38] Molly: Get something green.

[00:31:39] Erin: But, it's a start right? It's a start. It's a start. 

[00:31:41] Molly: I think cabbage. Isn't like, isn't there like a cabbage

[00:31:45] Erin: Corn beef, but I don't like corn beef, so we're not doing that.

[00:31:48] Molly: Corn beef and cabbage or something like that. Just get him something green, get some food coloring, make em green pancakes. 

[00:31:56] Erin: Oh. Or green mashed potatoes like we used to do in school. 

[00:31:59] Molly: Oh gosh. My [00:32:00] daughter would love that. 

[00:32:02] Erin: I did. Yeah, it was awesome. 

[00:32:03] So yeah. Okay. So to recap that part, talk to someone, tell them your plan and why you're doing it. It brings you closer together. It creates a little bond between you. They get to champion for you, which is exciting for them. And it's exciting for you to have someone encouraging you and , asking you how it goes. 

[00:32:25] And then another thing that this is something I thought of today, and I would like to try it myself. And I, I, and I think I have subconsciously been doing this lately, but I kind of finally like, thought about it.

[00:32:41] When you talk to someone, anyone that you come in contact today, try to think of one good thing you love about them, or one good thing you appreciate about them. This will help help fight the initial reaction to nitpick and criticize because, when we are very critical of ourselves, we [00:33:00] become very critical of others.

[00:33:02] And that can send us into a spiral of just anger, annoyance. You're in a bad mood. They're not doing good enough. So you're kind of, you could be like, just criticizing them. They, you get in a bad mood because they feel like they're being judged and criticized, you know, it can spiral and this could be a simply the mail person. The person that you pick up the mail from in the mail room, look at them and think in your mind, "I appreciate that you found my mail." Like it could be something simple. And then you are not as mad that it may have taken 15 minutes, 20 minutes to get your mail because you're appreciative that it is actually there because it could've have not been.

[00:33:48] And then with your spouse, it can be so easy for them to walk into your space where you've been ruminating and been in this point of [00:34:00] darkness and anger, and they don't even know what they're walking into. It could be easy for you to project all of your insecurities and feelings onto them.

[00:34:10] But if you take the moment and it's hard to remember the moment, but if you take the moment to like, look at them and think to yourself, this is what I love about them. This is what I appreciate about them. It can take you out of that space for, for a moment. And kind of give yourself a little bit of reality check and start coming from a place of gratitude.

[00:34:37] Because there may still be issues. You may still be having marital issues or issues with your kids or issues with your parents. 

[00:34:46] And that stuff's valid. But if you come first from a place of gratitude for where you are, where they're coming from, their efforts, what brought you together in the first place... [00:35:00] it takes a sting out. It lets you take a breath. And you can come from a place of love. And that's what we're trying to do. 

[00:35:07] When we don't come from a place of love, that's that's when there becomes serious issues. And we all know that marriage is hard. Parenting is hard.

[00:35:18] I don't know that personally, but I can see that it is. And especially military family being a military family is hard. So we have to be more proactive in being appreciative and come from a place of love. 

[00:35:37] Which can be be hard.

[00:35:40] Molly: Absolutely. 

[00:35:41] Erin: Another tip on our list is set reminders on your phone for encouragement.

[00:35:46] I've set a reminder for 7:00 AM, and it's just a little reminder that says I'm kind and loving. That is fighting the little voices in my head saying," I'm bad at this. I'm not this. I'm not good enough." [00:36:00] Little reminder on your phone.

[00:36:02] Sounds corny. Sounds cheesy, but it's actually like, made me think like, oh, it like brings you back to the reason why you're doing all of this, right.

[00:36:11] I've been struggling. I'm trying to get myself out. I am better than what the voices in my head are saying. I am. 

[00:36:20] Molly: I'm literally gonna do that right now. 

[00:36:23] Erin: Yeah. It's been helping. And it, and it helps me do the tip that we talked about right before that looking at someone and, and seeing them who, for who they are before you communicate with them. That I'm kind, I am loving, like it's right before I usually see my husband in the mornings and usually like, I mean, I could have had a hard day at work and he's walking, he's waking up and walking down the stairs into that atmosphere.

[00:36:51] But that little reminder on the phone, I'm kind I'm I am loving, it gives him the morning that he deserves, you know, before he goes to work, like he didn't [00:37:00] do anything, he just woke up.

[00:37:02] Another thing I think you should do is something spontaneous for yourself, even if it's small. So I like to take myself out to lunch every once in a while, I love the idea of like, going to an art gallery even if it's by myself or I'm really thinking about going to get a pedicure, which I know, like, so we were talking about those little things, Molly, of like you switching up your wardrobe or your hair.

[00:37:31] But I think you can still do those things after you've done the other little bit of work. 

[00:37:36] Molly: Mm-hmm 

[00:37:37] Erin: like getting a pedicure is not something that I. I think I've only done it, like maybe twice in my life, but it just sounds like fun... so 

[00:37:48] Molly: They're are fantastic. 

[00:37:50] Erin: so I think you have to do something little that's just spontaneous. That's not maybe something that you typically would do. I don't know. Do you have a, an example of something [00:38:00] that like might be fun for you, Molly? 

[00:38:02] Molly: Oh, well, this was spontaneous the other night. Typically when the girls go to sleep or at least when the baby goes to sleep, I go to the gym, but my husband walked in one night and I was just, he had a long day and I obviously had a long day and he walked in and instead of saying, Like something about going to the gym. He's like very encouraging of like, Hey, you should you should get to the gym or go walk or, he like not telling me what to do, but just kind of encouraging me to get outta the house.

[00:38:30] Um, He walked in and he goes, " Target doesn't close until 10" Hint taken off to target. I go and I literally just, I didn't really have a plan and I know that's... for most people, that's very dangerous going to target without a plan. But I just wondered, I just wondered, I got a few items that have been on my list, like simple necklaces that I've been wanting to like add to my wardrobe and I just wandered. I literally wandered around target for like an [00:39:00] hour and a half and like, It was, so it was so much more rejuvenating than working out.

[00:39:07] And I still got my steps in, like I still hit my steps goal. But I was just wandering around. And when I got to the car, I was like, what a, what was I even thinking about? You know, , how you like have a running conversation in your head? I really wasn't. I wasn't thinking I couldn't. I was like, what was I thinking about?

[00:39:23] But I was actually present. I was like, oh, this necklace is pretty. I was thinking about like what I was actually doing my mind wasn't somewhere else, which oftentimes in the gym, it is. So I felt like that was like a very, very productive, spontaneous activity that I kind of treated myself.

[00:39:40] Erin: Yeah. And it just kind of breaks up the monotony. And like we are talking about creating routine and habits, but you gotta reward yourself and that could be unique to you. It could be you decided to paint today and you haven't painted for five years. 

[00:39:54] Molly: Mm-hmm. 

[00:39:55] Erin: or, you know, Something, something to celebrate and be [00:40:00] spontaneous and try something new because you never know what might actually change your day and make you happy and, and be something that you wanna do more of. 

[00:40:11] Molly: Yeah. 

[00:40:11] I slept so much better that night. 

[00:40:13] Erin: Yeah. 

[00:40:13] Molly: So much better. 

[00:40:15] Erin: That's awesome.

[00:40:16] Molly: Yeah. I should do that more often. 

[00:40:18] Erin: Oh for sure. Me too. And I guess the last thing that I'm gonna say is do something nice for someone else. Take the moment to do something for someone you care about, or even a stranger. Because when we do this, we all also bring ourselves out of our hole for a moment. 

[00:40:38] And when you do something for someone else, Usually it makes 'em happy. And so then you're in this little happiness space, even if it's not directly your happiness, right. You're feeding off the energy of the other person. And by doing something for someone else, well, they're gonna appreciate you too.

[00:40:59] [00:41:00] And, that feels good. Like that feels nice. Doing something good for someone else gets you out of your head. Gets you out of that darkness and like sparks a light, even if it's just for a moment.

[00:41:13] To all of you, military spouses out there, remember like we're on different journeys. We can't compare ourselves to each other. We might have things in common once we start connecting and talking to each other, but you are a unique individual on a unique journey and you have to do what's best for you.

[00:41:34] You can hear our tips and you can try them and they may not work. And you may find something else that works. And we would love to hear it hear from you. If you find something that has helped you, but, recognize your progress, meet yourself where you're at and it's about doing better every day, not being perfect.

[00:41:58] The more you practice, these little [00:42:00] things, these good healthy habits, the easier it is to get yourself back to where you wanna be 

[00:42:06] Molly: I love it. Couldn't agree more.

[00:42:08] Erin: Um, Well thank you all for listening. And don't forget to follow. And if you would like, please leave us a review. We would love to hear from you and, and know what you like and what you don't like. I dunno what to say. 

[00:42:25] Molly: Candid feedback is how we learn and grow . 

[00:42:28] Erin: Yeah. From our house yours have a great day. 

[00:42:33] Molly: Bye everyone. 

[00:42:34] Erin: Bye.

[00:42:36] Do you or someone you love deserve a higher VA rating? Here at VA claims insider. We can help. Take advantage of a free VA claim discovery call with an experienced team member. Learn what you've been missing. So you can finally get the disability rating and compensation you've earned for your [00:43:00] service. 

[00:43:00] Book now by going to vacifree30.com 

[00:43:05] The link will be provided in today's description. Remember... you served, you deserve.