Raising Children In The Military: With Special Guest, Kayla Lyon

This month we celebrate the military children of America. To honor them, Kayla Lyon came back to talk about what they face as well as tips for parents in deployment time or when things change suddenly with little ones at home! She also explains how resilience can be found inside every child of those who has served this country.

Kayla Lyon is a veteran, military wife, mother, and certified life coach! She helps military spouses enjoy this crazy life and not just count down to retirement or separation. Military life is hard enough as it is.  She can help you make it easier and go after your own goals, too. Book a free call with her today by going to https://kaylalyon.com

Is your spouse struggling to win their VA disability claim? Help your service member and check out VA Claims Insider! Schedule your FREE 30-minute, no-obligation Discovery Call with a team member! Click here now!!

Don't forget to check out Military Kids Connect for more helpful resources! https://militarykidsconnect.health.mil/

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Transcript

[00:00:00] 

[00:00:00] Erin: Mil spouses. We have a great episode for you today. We are almost already in the month of April. 

[00:00:08] April is the month of the military child. And we have brought back our dear friend and life coach, Kayla, to talk a little bit about raising your children in the military. She talks about some challenges you may face, give some advice and also celebrates the amazing aspects of raising your children in the military community. Stay tuned. You don't want to miss this.

[00:00:35] And as always MilSpouse House is brought to you by VA Claims Insider.

[00:00:40] If your spouse is struggling with their VA claim and they're feeling stuck, frustrated, and underrated, we can help. Book a free discovery call and talk to one of our team members about how you can get your spouse on the winning path to their [00:01:00] VA disability claim. Go to vac free thirty.com. We'll put the link in the description below and get started on the journey to life change. 

[00:01:11] And with that being said, grab a cup of coffee, get cozy and let's have a chat.

[00:01:17] Welcome back MilSpouses today. We have our dear friend, Kayla Lyon with us again. Kayla's a veteran, military wife, and certified life coach specifically for military spouses. 

[00:01:37] Kayla: Yes. Ma'am thanks for having me. 

[00:01:39] Erin: Yeah. Welcome back. So since April is the month of the military child, we asked Kayla to come talk to us about raising kids in the military community.

[00:01:54] To go ahead and start our conversation here first, how many kids do you have? 

[00:01:58] Kayla: I have three. I have a [00:02:00] four and a half year old girl. I have a almost three-year-old son.

[00:02:03] My son will be , three in may, which is crazy. And I have a, my baby's almost nine months– boy. 

[00:02:10] Erin: Wow. 

[00:02:12] Kayla: The rapid fire approach. 

[00:02:15] Erin: Get it all out of the way 

[00:02:18] Molly: I hear with the rapid fire. It's the it, the first half, like the baby stage is really hard. And then, but later on, they have each other and it totally is worth it in the end. So that's what I hear. Mine are three years apart, so we didn't do the rapid fire. It scared me too much. So we waited, but yeah, that's, that's so funny that you have a May baby. I have a may baby as well. My oldest turns four in May. 

[00:02:41] Kayla: That's awesome. 

[00:02:42] Molly: Yeah. 

[00:02:43] Erin: What would you say is the greatest aspect of raising children in the military community? What advantages do they have? 

[00:02:52] Kayla: That's a great question. So, I mean, from where I'm sitting, I think it's the fact that we do move [00:03:00] around a lot and there's definitely cons to that too, especially with young kids, but. At the same time, they're learning from a very young age, how to like make new friends and be very resilient and be very adaptable.

[00:03:14] And like kids by nature can do that pretty easily, anyway, I think. That's one thing that I just continue to learn every single day is that I feel like I underestimate my kids all the time. They're just like so much more resilient and so much more capable than I remember. And then they prove it to me.

[00:03:28] And I'm like, oh yeah, you got this. We're fine. Right. And I mean, sometimes, you know, they're not fine and that's why we're here. And that's just part of it. But you know, my two older kids were born in Virginia. Then we went to California. We were only there for about 18 months. We got there like two weeks before my daughter turned two and my second son was like three and a half months or something when we drove out. We left there 18 months later, I was very, very proud of with the baby. So, he's only on his first house. So, that's good. But, by the time we got here to Maryland my daughter started her third preschool before her third birthday. [00:04:00] And they had both lived in three different houses on two different coasts.

[00:04:03] We got here to our current house, like two weeks before my son, my second, turn two. So it's kind of the same age, which is kind of crazy. And yeah, sure. It's like my, my oldest, my daughter sometimes she'll be like, I want to go back to California. I miss my old friends and that kind of thing.

[00:04:16] And especially in the beginning, when we first got here, I think it was real. And she was very sad. If I'm being honest now, I think it's a little bit of a manipulation tactic, a good way to get money back in bed. Right. She's she's got it all figured out. But, but I can tell the difference, right? Like sometimes, like she's genuinely sad about it.

[00:04:36] And so we talked through it and all of the things and sometimes she's just trying to get one of us to come back into our room after bedtime and you can tell the difference and it's just part of it. But yeah, I mean, they're figuring it out from a very early age. How to spend a week and a half in the car and how to be resilient and how to be adaptable and how to make new friends and how to, you know, not take stuff personally and all that stuff.

[00:04:58] So honestly, I'm like, that's [00:05:00] probably the best gift that I can give my kids. 

[00:05:02] Erin: So with those moves and with your daughter, did you have to have a big conversation about moving or did she really comprehend that the move was happening or not until the actual move happened and past 

[00:05:17] Kayla: Kind of both.

[00:05:18] So she was three and change just shy of four when we got here and she was more sad about leaving California than we anticipated, it was heavier on her then we thought it was going to be just cause we figured she's still so young.

[00:05:32] She doesn't really understand. So she started a preschool program when we first got there right before COVID hit and it was just like a couple mornings a week. And it was just, you know, for her growth and giving me a little bit of a break and whatnot that shut down that school closed and never reopened as a result of COVID.

[00:05:47] So then the last six months that we were in California, cause we weren't supposed to move last summer. So we thought they were going to be there for at least a year and a half. The last six months we were there. She started a new school and my son went with her right after her third birthday. And so for those six months, [00:06:00] she was just a little bit older and like made a little bit better of connections. They're just kinda like growing and starting to like form those friendships a little bit more. And she was, she was more bummed about leaving it. It hit her a little bit harder than we realized.

[00:06:13] So we talked a lot about it. We talked about how we were, you know, moving and she actually remembered the drive out to California originally. So we kind of talked about that. We were like, remember when we were in the car for a really long time and we watched a lot of movies and we went to all of these different places.

[00:06:25] Cause she remembers the different places that we stopped on the way out. And so we were kind of like prepping it for that. And I thought she got it and I think she did to an extent, but then kind of the same thing on the way back, we were just trying to relate all that. Cause like we were talking about right before is like, they don't really have any concept of time.

[00:06:40] Right. And that's why routines are so important for kids. It's because it's like, they have no idea what two o'clock means, but they know like, oh, I wake up and then I brush my teeth and I have breakfast and I go to school and then I come home, you know, then we have nap and then I come home and it, you know, like they understand that part.

[00:06:51] So , that's kind of like their version of time. So for her, we have like Virginia. She says she remembers sometimes, but I'm not really sure, but [00:07:00] sometimes she says stuff that I'm like, oh no, maybe you do actually remember being there for like those at least those last couple of months. And then we talk about California.

[00:07:06] So instead of her, for her, instead of like living in years, she kind of lives in like places. Which I think is actually kind of helpful because it kind of helps her like couch time, a little bit more And with my son with my two year old, he's still kind of figuring out like he remembers being in California.

[00:07:19] He remembers driving all the way out here, but not to the same degree that she did. And he never talks about wanting to go back or like missing his old friends. But he was also, you know, not even two when we left. So it was just kind of like a different developmental stage.

[00:07:32] Erin: Wow. 

[00:07:32] Molly: I also moved with a two year old and yeah, there is, it's weird.

[00:07:36] They're at that age that they, they understand in the present what's going on. Like she remembers going on the airplane and like packing and all of that stuff, but she doesn't often remember like details or like why we moved or, you know, that kind of thing. But yeah, that two year old age, like they're, they're in the present, but if you ask them to look forward or back, it's, it's hard for them to [00:08:00] put those events and times together. 

[00:08:02] Kayla: Yeah, for sure.

[00:08:02] Molly: It's a very interesting age, but it's a very resilient age as well. And you know, she was only technically a military kid for six months of her life, so she doesn't necessarily remember. Cause I remember there's a picture of my husband in uniform and she asked like, what is daddy wearing?

[00:08:19] And so I was like, oh yeah, you were six months. Like you didn't, you never saw daddy and in uniform. And, and so she doesn't really even remember it, but I almost feel like, because she's so resilient and we have moved a lot. We've moved from new Orleans to Michigan and then Michigan to California.

[00:08:36] And we moved a couple of times in Michigan, too. And we moved a couple of times in California, but so I feel like. Even though that she doesn't remember that she's a military kid. Like her resilience shows that she's a military kid, but I, again, I don't know if that's just her personality or demeanor what we've kind of instilled in her, but she, sometimes I remember, like, I was like, well, mate, even though you don't [00:09:00] remember it, you are a military kid at heart.

[00:09:02] Kayla: Right. I think that's a big piece of it too. Only what you're just saying about what, like what you kind of instilled in her too is I think how we, my husband and I, how we talk about it and how we approach about it. And like the language we use around what's going on, I think is super important too, because they are so impressionable.

[00:09:16] And like their brains are still forming and all that. And like, I'm not like a childhood psychology expert or anything, but I remember reading at some point I think it's like 90% of your brain growth and like 90% of what you learn happens between like the ages of zero and three or something.

[00:09:29] And I could be totally off on the numbers, but whatever it was, it was and astounding amount in like a very short period of time and like the first couple of years. And I was like, how is that even possible? Like, you know, cause you know, we go to school until we're 18 or much later and all that thing, I was like, that really blew my mind.

[00:09:44] And I think that's a big piece of it. Right. Chris and I are very conscious of the language that we use and kind of how we approach things. And we could be getting it totally all wrong of course. Right. Like we're kind of using her instincts. But. Not trying to downplay their feelings, but also not trying to [00:10:00] like fuel them in a, in a way that's not going to serve them also.

[00:10:03] Right. So I feel like there's like a good balance, acknowledging how they're feeling and you know, if you're sad, like, of course you're sad cause we left California and you know, you miss your friends and all that and like that's okay. It's okay to be sad. But also, not letting her kind of like sink into the spiral and like use that as an excuse and like be kind of victimy about it.

[00:10:20] Like even at three or four years old, 

[00:10:21] Erin: Yeah. Do your kids have a concept of, of what your husband does and like even you, you served, do they have any kind of idea of what, like mom and dad do? 

[00:10:35] Kayla: I think a little bit. So my husband's a helicopter pilot, so that is very tangible for them. And they think every single helicopter that flies over is him.

[00:10:44] He is flying it even when he's standing right next to us, which is, that's like a whole nother ball of wax that we'll address when they get older or they'll just figure it out on their own. But so that part of it makes it easier, I think, cause that's like a very tangible thing and like, you know, they've gone to the squadron and been able to like, see the [00:11:00] helicopters a couple of times.

[00:11:00] And now we're in Maryland. He's in at the Pentagon and you know, we've driven by it a couple of times and they've seen it, the pictures of it. And they talk about how daddy goes to the Pentagon. And if you ask my daughter, when she wants to do, when she grows up, she's like, I want to work at the Pentagon so I can go to work with daddy.

[00:11:14] Erin: Awe!

[00:11:15] Kayla: I really hope that your dad doesn't work at the Pentagon when you're old enough to work that another topic for another day. So. On a, on a macro scale, like from, from him being like a Marine? I don't think so. I think just kind of on a very, you know, minor scale a little bit. It is interesting just in the last, maybe like month or two, my daughter came home.

[00:11:35] I was picking her up from school and out of nowhere, she looks at me and she goes, mommy is Daddy a hero? And hopefully here it comes, right. I'm going to get all emotional about it. And I was like, oh yeah, honey, what were you learning about? And they were talking about you know, military and like firefighters and police and first responders, all that in school.

[00:11:48] And our teachers like, know we're a military family. So I'm sure they kind of like you know, told her that. And then we were kind of talking about it. And then Chris was talking about me because they don't really have any concept of what I did cause I was out. I was a reservist when [00:12:00] my first two were born, but they were they're way too young to remember, you know, remember me and my uniform or anything like that.

[00:12:05] So we started talking about that a little bit and Chris made sure that, you know, they know that like I was too and whatnot. And I started talking to her now about what I do as a coach, because, you know, she goes to school everyday and she's like, well, mommy, what did you do today?

[00:12:16] So I like run through my day and I'm like, why did this? And I did that. And I talked to my friend on the computer and because, you know, I was helping them and the so I was... we're kind of getting to like into that surface level kind of stuff. So I mean, they've done it, they did a deployment. They both remember it.

[00:12:30] He was in Japan. So they know like daddy went to Japan. They knew he was gone for a long time, but now since it's behind him, it's kind of coming back to that concept of time and how like, they kind of get it, but kind of don't so on some level they understand, but not mostly, I don't think 

[00:12:47] 

[00:12:47] Molly: It's so funny how, and not just military, but how kids perceive what their parents do because my, my daughter would be the same way. My husband still works like within, he works with the military. He [00:13:00] doesn't work. Like he's not in the military, but I think a couple of times he mentioned that he saw dolphins at work.

[00:13:07] And so I am convinced. My daughter thinks that he's like some kind of dolphin trainer because he, he works with sonar equipment and that attracts dolphins. So when they're on the boat, they kind of get swarmed by dolphins and we've shown her videos and everything. And so I'm sure... well, I'll ask her, we have parent-teacher conferences coming up and I'll ask them like, what, what do you think my husband does? You know, like, just see what, see what she says at school, because I am convinced she thinks. He just worked with dolphins, but it's so funny. 

[00:13:37] Erin: Has she seen pictures of your husband, Molly, in his uniform? Oh you have a picture of right behind you, but does she notice?

[00:13:45] Molly: She does notice. She asked what daddy's funny hat was in that picture, cause it's like one of those like forward skinny ones. And, and yeah, she does, but she, so that is the only, that's the one that she sees the most and that's on our wedding day.

[00:13:59] And [00:14:00] so she just knows that that was like what we were wearing when we got married. So, but it's like anything like any other ones? I think the one that she saw the other day was him and his whites. And so we kind of talked about like, oh yeah, daddy was the military. And we kind of had that conversation, but again, at three, almost four, you have like, Hmm, probably two minutes of concentration before it's like, oh, butterfly, and then they're gone. So I don't think she quite gets it, but she definitely we're starting to have that conversation. 

[00:14:32] Erin: Kayla, I'd love to go back to talking about your kids went through a deployment. How did you approach that conversation?

[00:14:41] Kayla: That's a great question. And I'm trying to remember the answer.

[00:14:44] So he had done, he left in like November of... what year are we in 20 to 20? Yes, no. He left in November of 20 and that was, he done a couple of longer training trips earlier in that year. And [00:15:00] that was like, that was like the whole COVID year where everything was shut down. And like, we had the opposite experience where I heard so many families were like, oh, like we were closer together, 'cause everybody was home. We were working from home all the time. And I was like, that's not the experience that we had. He was, he did like a two month debt. He did another six week debt. He did. There was definitely a third one. It was another like four weeks I think, or something like that. And he was just working much, much longer hours and they were doing split shifts and so he was working like six days a week instead of five and the occasional weekends and all that kind of stuff. So they had gotten used to not seeing him for days anyway. And then, like I said, he had a couple of debts that were more like six, eight weeks kind of throughout the year. So we had some, some test runs, if you will. 

[00:15:44] And like he's a pilot. So when he's, when he's flying, he does night flights, then he won't see them, you know, for bed at night. And then like, he'll he the needs to sleep in past. So it's like, there's, you know, maybe a whole week where they just he's home. I don't even really see him.

[00:15:59] The kids definitely don't [00:16:00] see him because our schedules just kind of opposites. Like I said, they kind of bought, had already like, had some experience with that. And the two bigger kids have like the daddy doll where it's just like a little doll, like a picture of him. Which when we first got it, I was like, this is very, very weird, but to, you know, 18 months old and a three year old, it was awesome.

[00:16:16] And it's still like a staple for bedtime and they hug him and he's like their friend. So, that helped more than I expected it to. Sometimes it didn't help as much as I would have liked it to. But you know, we talked a lot about how daddy's going to Japan and he's going to go help people. And we kind of just kept it very basic and they didn't ask a ton of questions about why.

[00:16:34] Coming back to kind of like their concept of time. So we left in November and then he came back the following spring. And so I used like big time markers that they can understand like Thanksgiving and Christmas and that kind of stuff. And with COVID, it was a little bit different because not as much was going on.

[00:16:49] But we wound up flying back to... I'm from Annapolis, I'm from Maryland. And so the three of us flew back to my mom's for Christmas, for like a month . I was pregnant and I was like, we're alone. [00:17:00] And we're not gonna do Christmas by ourselves. Like might as well go. But we stayed for a month because I wasn't going to do that whole trip by myself for a week.

[00:17:06] And so that was like, I had certain things to kind of act as time markers for them. Right. So I was like Thanksgiving. I was like, and then we're going to Gigi and Pa Jim's. And so then we were there and that kind of helps also kind of take their mind off of it a little bit and kind of distract them a little bit, you know?

[00:17:20] And then we got back and then my in-laws came out for like 10 days, I think. And then my dad came 'cause my parents are split. So then my dad came like on the backend, it was like March, I think. And he came for like a month. Cause he was like, I'm retired. Do you want me to come? And I said, yes I do.

[00:17:34] And when committed, I said, yeah, a month is a really long time. And when you told me you were coming for a month, I was very surprised, but I wasn't gonna say no. Right. So anyway, so having those kinds of markers was very helpful. And while he was not at sea, you know, we could FaceTime him. The time change was tricky.

[00:17:55] So we really only got to... with the kids. I could talk to him almost daily, but they [00:18:00] were either in school or it was like in their nap window. So they only got to actually talk to him. Friday and Saturday, I think, cause that was his Saturday and Sunday. And then when he was on the mew, he was at sea for two and a two months, two and a half months or something, then it was just, it was nothing right.

[00:18:15] I got emails from him every now and then, but they don't know what to do with emails. But, one thing that I will say, especially with kids that age, that was very, very helpless before he left, I had him record just a couple of videos and he sent them to me and we watch, he sent me like four or five, you know, just like two minute videos of just him saying nonsense things to little kids.

[00:18:34] And those were very, very helpful for.

[00:18:37] Erin: Wow. 

[00:18:37] Kayla: I forgot about that. I'm glad I just remember. Cause that was a game changer. 

[00:18:41] Erin: Yeah. What an amazing idea. I think for kids at any age, but especially for, for the young kids who start to kind of understand that, you know, their parent is gone and not in the house.

[00:18:52] What a great tip. I'm so glad that you said that that's brilliant. 

[00:18:56] Molly: Yeah. And I did something similar and I just [00:19:00] realized that this could be reversed for the service member for kids too. So. what I did in one of the deployments was I, I wrote out cards and like I put on the, on the card, like open this when you're sad, open this, when you've had a hard day open this, when you miss me all of that, that can actually be in reverse for the older children that can read or, you know, or the parent that's home can read it to them.

[00:19:21] So that can actually be reversed. I just thought of that as well. And that, that is a great, great tip for kids. 

[00:19:28] Kayla: Yeah, that's a really good point, Molly. I did the same thing. I sent him with like a stack of like a dozen cards. And I wrote, you can't open them all at once because this is it.

[00:19:35] So, you know, use them sparingly, but it's a really, especially for the older kids who can get them on the way back. And he did a really good job of sending postcards as much as he could now, you know, some days we would get like two or three on the same day. And sometimes we would go for like three months without getting them.

[00:19:49] But, they understood that these are from daddy and I would read them to them. And then, you know, they would just. Walk around with them and hold onto them. And just little things like that. It matters more than I think we think that it would be like [00:20:00] they can comprehend more of it. And even if they don't understand fully what's going on at that age, they know like, oh, this is from daddy.

[00:20:06] And so it's like super important to me, even though it's just like this piece of paper that's been, you know, torn up through the mail.

[00:20:12] Molly: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

[00:20:13] Erin: With your clients that you work with, are there any struggles that come up often when, when with military children. 

[00:20:22] Kayla: Oh, you mean from like the parents' perspective? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, sure. So there's, there's always a lot of like parent guilt.

[00:20:29] I feel like about like moving all the time and, you know, am I ruining my kid and. All, all of that kind of stuff. And another one that I see very often is the whole, do we PCs with our service member every time? Do we do a geo bachelor situation? So like the kids can be more stable. Which that I always find, sorry, I always find really interesting because that's assuming that your kids being in the same place and going to the same school and never moving, but having one of their parents being gone all the time is [00:21:00] the more stable option. Which it for sure can be for certain family situations and certain family dynamics. And like, depending on how old your kids are and like what your, what your needs are.

[00:21:10] And then especially when you get into like specific medical type situations, like, you know what I mean? There's a lot of things that inform that. But the other side of that is stability could look like not being geographically stable, but being with both of your parents all the time, or, you know, being closer to family or something like that.

[00:21:27] So, I always find it really interesting when people automatically assume that not moving around is better for your kids. Which it could be, but it's not always, right. So I think that's a really important thing to remember when you're kind of going into all of this is what is going to be right for you and your family might look very different from what's, right.

[00:21:46] For somebody else and another family. And also that that might change and probably will change through the different seasons of your lives as a family, right? Like I said, like, depending on your kids' ages and you know, their interests in their [00:22:00] activities. And then if you've got like some medical stuff that always is going to play into it and all that kind of stuff.

[00:22:04] So and then even , the service member's career versus the spouse's career, if, you know, you're both working and all that kind of stuff plays into it. So I always challenge the assumption that not moving is the more stable option because it can be, but it doesn't definitely doesn't have to be.

[00:22:20] And the whole, like, am I ruining my kids because I'm making them go to their fourth high school in four years. That is a very terrible thought to have. And I don't know why anybody chooses it. Like you're not ruining your children. It's for sure. Seems like it's sometimes. And they probably tell you that you are depending on how old they are.

[00:22:39] I have a feeling I've got plenty of that in my future, as mine get older, but at the end of the day, One, you you'll never know for sure. Right? Like I know plenty of kids and adults who grew up in like the very like white picket fence, kind of, you know, fifties, American dream home, where like everything was stable and their parents' marriage was great and everything was awesome and they [00:23:00] are train wrecks.

[00:23:01] And I know plenty of people who grew up in very dynamic, you know, always changing quote unquote unstable situations and they are crushing it. Right. So it's like, Anytime I have a client who goes to a thought like that and presents it as like a factual belief. I always always challenge it because one, that's very subjective.

[00:23:23] There's no way to actually measure it. And you can't live to pass at the same time. So who's to say how it would have turned out in the other way. And two, when this is the cards that you're dealt, that's just not serving you. I like to talk a lot about how we have more choices than we think that we do as mil spouses.

[00:23:36] And it seems like we don't have any control over our lives and we don't have any choices, but you do have the choice to move every time. You can geo batch, like you have the choice to stay married to your service member. For me, and for most families, that's a no brainer, but it's still a choice that my husband and I both get to make every single day.

[00:23:51] Right. I don't wake up consciously and say, I'm going to stay married to my husband today. That's just like an autopilot. I made that choice once in. We're good. But that is still a choice I get to make every day. [00:24:00] You don't have to stay in for 20 years. Right? Like you don't have to continue to be a military family.

[00:24:04] And I think that's another thing that we forget sometimes. Like, obviously you can't just quit a job the way you can in the civilian world and how to be effective, like, you know, days or weeks later. But these are all choices that we get to make, even when they don't seem like it. And bringing your kids into the fold in all of that is part of that as well.

[00:24:22] So just because you had a job and one parents stayed home and was very involved with the kids and very present and all that. Like, even though, even if you can set up what you think to be the quote unquote perfect childhood, that doesn't guarantee anything. And when you've got this like super dynamic situation, that doesn't guarantee anything either.

[00:24:40] So. That's where a lot of the guilt comes in. And so I like to invite my clients to let's take a step back and look at the actual facts. And at the end of the day, you just do what you believe is best for your family. And that's all you can do. Right. And you just never really know, and your kids are gonna grow up to be the who they're supposed to be [00:25:00] in the world.

[00:25:01] And my favorite thought about my children is that I get to mess them up in my very own special way. 

[00:25:07] Molly: I love that.

[00:25:08] Kayla: Brings me a lot of comfort at the end of the day. I know I'm always doing my best some days that looks like complete garbage. Some days, I'm awesome and I'm rocking it and I haven't yelled at all and I've been very patient and we had a lovely well-balanced meal.

[00:25:22] Those are not every day. You know, some days I scream three times before 7:30 in the morning and we had chicken nuggets and ketchup for the third day in a row. But at the end of the day, I know that I'm doing my best, even when it's a garbage day, I know that I'm showing up in the best way that I can for my kids.

[00:25:36] And then I just trust that I'm going to mess them up in like the perfect way that they need to be messed up to go off and be the adults they're supposed to be in the world. So that's the biggest thing that comes up is a lot of guilt and a lot of convinced that I'm ruining my children. And I just want to let everybody know it's just not true.

[00:25:53] It's just not. 

[00:25:54] Erin: When your husband's away and he comes home after a long period of time, do the [00:26:00] kids adapt well to that? Or does it kind of throw them off a little bit out of their routine or maybe it hypes them up so much. 

[00:26:10] Kayla: I think a little bit of both. And like, this will vary largely depending on like your kid's age and like how much they comprehend. And like, obviously like the much older kids are going to understand what's going on intellectually.

[00:26:19] They'll still probably have a lot of big feelings that they may or may not realize. With mine, and like I said, we'd kind of done this a couple of times. There were like varying lengths of time. So I think that was a little bit not helpful, but it wasn't completely foreign. But. They do get super excited and they, I, I almost feel coming back to like kids lack of concept of time though.

[00:26:39] They're almost kind of like puppies where it's like, once it's home, it's kind of like, he was never gone, you know? And so just because there are, they're so young. So I think that was helpful. Their world revolves around him. All the time for everything. Like they always prefer him and you know, some like most of the time it's fine every now and then I'm like, Hey, Hey, I'm over here.

[00:26:59] But the [00:27:00] baby's still all about me, so that's good, but I'm sure I got like a year of that left and then he's gonna be all about dad. But so when he comes home, they're like extra, you know, wanna hang out and want to play and want to do all the things. And especially the first couple of weeks back, like he'll kind of stretch the routine a little bit and it's a whole reintegration period, if you will. Right? Like he kind of feels bad cause he's been gone for so long and like, he just wants to soak them up as much as they want to soak him up. And so, you know, we're like a little bit more lax with the schedule, not crazily to the point of, you know, that it totally goes out the window.

[00:27:32] Cause like we were talking about before, routines are super important for kids, both from a sleep perspective and just like a general understanding what's going on in their lives day to day. But kind of having a little bit more flexibility, I think has been super helpful when we're all kind of getting used to being back together because they just want to spend as much time with him as they can.

[00:27:51] And he does, he does with them too. Of course.

[00:27:53] Erin: You touched on something that I feel could be difficult for some parents and military [00:28:00] spouses, is that the other parent is kind of like Santa Claus, you know, it's like always a treat. Whereas the other parent has to be the disciplinarian, the one keeping everyone on a schedule, the one keeping the household together, the one doing all of the things.

[00:28:19] And I feel like that would be difficult to know that you're that person, that's the disciplinarian, the one that keeps everything moving and they get the big hugs and excitement all the time. Do you have any advice for a parent who might be struggling with that dynamic? 

[00:28:37] Kayla: I think that is probably true in most really and Molly, maybe you can speak to this a little bit. I think that's probably pretty common all the time. I think it might be exacerbated a little bit because of that. Or like, same with the, you know, like maybe if you're divorced or something like that, where it's like, you have like, you know, spend most time with one parent and the other one kind of does like the more fun stuff, if you will.

[00:28:59] Yeah, I kind of go back [00:29:00] and forth. Like most of the time, it's not a problem for me. I know that they love me. And I know I still love them. And it's not actual rejection from my kids. Sometimes when it's like a perfect storm and I'm not having a great day and my mind is doing its own thing.

[00:29:13] And you know, kind of, one of them will kind of sucker punch me, emotionally. Those aren't great days, but again, that's just part of the good and bad balance of life. Like that's always going to be there regardless of what it looks like. It serves me really well to remember that they, and this actually became very, like, I always knew this, but it came even more apparent while he was gone.

[00:29:29] They need both of us for very different reasons. Right? Like I provide so much for them in a way that he just can not, but he does the same thing in a way that I cannot, and I think we compliment each other very well in that respect with just like our personalities and our approach to things.

[00:29:46] I also do a lot of my own work on, he gets the parent how he wants to parent. I get to parent how I want to parent and his relationship with my kids is none of my business and my relationship with my kids is none of his [00:30:00] business. And I know that sounds really weird and it's, it's something that I work on myself a lot to remember that he gets to do what he wants. He gets to interact with them. And the way he wants my biggest shovel comes in when I'm like, yes, but you're doing this thing, which is going to very directly make my life harder, like in an hour or tomorrow. And so that's where my struggle comes in. And we deal with that through a lot of communication and sometimes it goes well and sometimes it doesn't, but just being open about it and non-confrontational is very helpful.

[00:30:28] But at the end of the day, he's gonna parent how he's going to. I'm going to parent how I'm going to and remembering that they need what I can give them just as much as they need what he can give them is how they're going to be shaped into like the people they're going to be.

[00:30:44] Right. Like, regardless of what they're saying, regardless of, you know, if I get a mommy, you're not being very nice to me or mommy, I hate you. But I also know that, you know, they're two and four, so... I also expect to hear that when they're 14 and they do understand, but you know, 14 [00:31:00] year olds are kind of just like four year olds.

[00:31:02] It's all fine. 

[00:31:04] Molly: We'll overcome that when, when we get to that point right. 

[00:31:06] Kayla: Right! That's for down the road. But it kind of comes back to just knowing what I was saying earlier. It's like, knowing that I'm doing the best that I can, I'm doing what I think is right. To provide for them and raise them and like give them the unconditional love that they need.

[00:31:19] That's that's ultimately all I can really do. I take a lot of comfort in that. Because there isn't really much else you can do, you know, it is the helpful though in, you know, 9:00 PM or one in the morning when one of them wakes up screaming for daddy instead of mommy, that is where it's very helpful.

[00:31:34] I'm like, got it. Love. That's very clear cry for daddy. Yeah, 

[00:31:39] Molly: That was a daddy. That was not a mommy. So I'm tapping you in.

[00:31:44] Kayla: Right? 

[00:31:44] Molly: No, I can definitely second that in terms of like the whole favoring you know, even though, you know, he isn't deploying for long extents, there were definitely seasons, especially when my youngest was like, I would say birth [00:32:00] through about six months... she wanted absolutely nothing to do with dad. She was colicky. She was a mommy's girl through and through all she wanted was me. And it was really hard, but we kind of settled into, okay, I'll take care of the baby. You give a whole lot of one-on-one time with my oldest, and that's kind of those where we had to like, kind of separate the roles.

[00:32:23] And then, you know, do things together, obviously. So we could all be a family, but it was definitely a okay, at this season, in this season of life right now, the baby needs me and the oldest needs you. And so you kind of have to divide and conquer. 

[00:32:37] Absolutely. And that's exactly it, right? Like with each season of your life, whether it's a week or a month or 10 years, you have to evaluate what's going on.

[00:32:44] What's working for you as a family and not be afraid to pivot it. Like, just because it used to work doesn't mean it's going to continue, especially while your kids are still small, because they feel like every time you get them figured out, they go and switch it up on you anyway. 

[00:32:56] Yep, totally. 

[00:32:58] Erin: Wow. I love that. And [00:33:00] that creates the family unit. Everybody has their role and everybody has different talents and unique qualities that they bring. 

[00:33:09] Kayla: The only other thing I'll say is, especially when you're doing deployments with kids, especially small kids, except I know teenagers come with their own unique challenges. Anyway, they just, they just look different than little kids. So it's probably always the same. I think the other thing that mil spouses and moms kind of get, it's kind of like a double whammy, is feeling like you should be able to do it all on your own and like not wanting to ask for help and, you know, so-and-so can handle this. So why can't I and all of that kind of stuff. And I just, I think that's just not helpful and like a bunch of garbage if I'm being honest.

[00:33:42] Right. Like, and that was my biggest thing. Like when Chris was, when I knew he was leaving, I called my parents and I called my in-laws and I was like, all right. Who's coming to visit. Right. And I called my mom and I was like, we're coming home for a month. And I was like, it's going to be too long. You're going to be ready for us to go.

[00:33:57] I'm going to be ready for us to go, but [00:34:00] this is what we got to do. Right. Especially cause I was pregnant. So that kind of was like a whole nother layer on it. But, and so whatever that looks like, right. And like, even during COVID even on the opposite coast of my family, I was still able to find people that I could call if I needed to.

[00:34:13] Right. And I did that a couple of times actually, when I would just kind of like be in a little bit of a spiral and I would freak out. I'm like, what if something happens? And I didn't have like pregnancy complications with my second, but I did have to go into the hospital twice while I was pregnant with him.

[00:34:27] And we were in Virginia and I had, like, I had really good friends that I called and was like, I need you to take my daughter. I got to go whatever. And when I found myself kind of freaking out about that in California, I was like, I don't have anybody. What am I going to do? I'm going to be alone.

[00:34:40] I was like, That's not actually true. And I literally made a list of all of the people that I could call in an emergency. Like maybe not my super best friends, but knew that if there was a problem, I could call them and they would take my children and they, or do whatever I needed. Right. Like they would help me.

[00:34:56] And I would feel comfortable with that even if it was like outside of my comfort zone, even [00:35:00] if we weren't talking all the time. So stuff like that when you're kind of freaking out, because you feel like you have no help or you're completely alone. Yes. And how is that not true? Like who can I call? And my kids, my big kids were started a new preschool in California.

[00:35:17] Like I said, I was saying for those last six months we were there. Those women there became my lifeline and like, I get emotional, even just thinking about it now, because they saved me. They are how I survived, because it was COVID because we never got a chance to like, build that network and like build those super close relationships.

[00:35:32] Cause when we got out there, the world shutdown immediately after, so I had those lists of people. I had a couple of people that I knew I could call. My husband's CO's wife was on the list because I knew if something happened, and I needed somebody who could handle, you know, a couple of kids.

[00:35:44] I would call her if I had to, right? So, but just having those teachers, knowing that they were caring for my kids and like giving them what I couldn't give them right now. And they were, you know, being exposed and learning and all that stuff and giving me time to work and rest and, you know, be [00:36:00] sick with all of the stuff.

[00:36:01] That was super invaluable too. So. Through this whole life, not just deployments, right? It's it's okay to ask for help with your kids or when you feel like you're struggling or when you're in the vortex of doom and you feel like you're a terrible mom and you're definitely ruin your kids. And they're all gonna end up in jail, like reach out to somebody and talk to them.

[00:36:19] Whether it's a professional, whether it's your friend, whether it's your neighbor or your mom or whatever. It's so, so important. To talk about it and to get it out there because that's how you're able to pull yourself out and remind yourself that the world isn't actually ending, even though it seems like it is like that's.

[00:36:36] I think it's just really the most important part in like all aspects of parenting in general. But when you put on top of like all the extra stuff about being a military family and TDYs and deployments and all that stuff, it just, it adds up really quick.

[00:36:48] Molly: Yeah, I did the same thing when I was pregnant at the end of my pregnancy at the end of his deployment, I did the same thing. I was feeling very alone. Like, okay. If I go into labor, who can get to me quickest. Yeah. [00:37:00] Who can get to me quickest. All my best friends were pregnant at the same time.

[00:37:04] So they were actually due prior to me, so I couldn't rely on my friends. And yeah, I, I mean, my chiropractor was going to be my birth support if need be. She was right on the corner. I had family a couple hours away and I tried to plan what I could control. I found what I could control and I planned around it and it ended up working just fine.

[00:37:26] And he got home in time. But yeah, I, I definitely felt that kind of the vortex of doom coming up. And I quickly jumped into action and yeah, I also had the, you know, the CO on my phone as scary as it is, you know, like if I went into labor, I had the chain of command that I could, you know, call on to make sure that he knew that I was in labor and that everything was kind of set in place.

[00:37:51] So definitely relate to that.

[00:37:54] Kayla: Yeah. And even just showing your brain how. Showing them the show to the evidence that like, okay, like I am [00:38:00] not to completely alone. And that's why making the list or, you know, kind of going into those plans and going like, okay, what if this happens? What if this happens?

[00:38:06] What will I do, blah, blah. And kind of like working through that, not planning to the point where you're driving yourself crazy and you know, you end up like wasting a ton of time on stuff that's not going to happen, but there's like that fine line, right? It's like when you're getting ready for PCS. It's like you walk that fine line between like going down the rabbit hole too far before you have like set in stone orders and they might change.

[00:38:22] And but yeah, just kind of walking through some of those. What if scenarios sometimes can be super helpful because you realize you're not actually going to end up like homeless in a box, right? Yeah. So my clients love to go to that place while I would do this and I would do this and then w I wouldn't be able to pay more and all this other stuff, and I'd be homeless.

[00:38:36] I'm like, let's actually look at this though. Like, are you actually going to be homeless? Like, no, most of the time we ended up like, oh, I'd have to move back in with my parents for a couple of months. I'm like, okay, not ideal. Also. Okay. You know, so yeah. I'm just kind of like walking through some of those scenarios and realizing that even if it's not what you would pick, it'll still be fine is super helpful.

[00:38:56] Erin: Wow. Yes. Great stuff, Kayla. Thank you [00:39:00] again for coming. And just before we close everything out, I do want to say, again, April is military child month. So hug your kids a little tighter. And April 15th is what we call Purple Up Day. So that's when you can wear your purple in support of military kids of all branches.

[00:39:21] Purple is the color that represents everyone. And the military child flower is a dandelion, which I just learned. And I love that. I think it's brilliant. There's this little poem that I found that I would love to read. It says, 

[00:39:38] " Dandelions put down roots almost anywhere and it is almost impossible to destroy. It is an unpretentious plant. Yet good-looking. It is a survivor in a broad range of climates. Military children bloom everywhere the wind carries them. 

[00:39:54] They are hardy and upright. Their roots are strong, cultivated [00:40:00] deeply in the culture of the military planted swiftly and surely.

[00:40:04] They're ready to fly in the breezes that take them to new adventures, new lands and new friends.

[00:40:11] Military children are well-rounded culturally aware, tolerant, and extremely resilient. They have learned from an early age that home is where their hearts are. That a good friend can be found in every corner of the world. They learn that to survive means to adapt that the door that closes one chapter of their life opens to a new and exciting adventure, full of new friends and new experiences."

[00:40:41] Molly: I'm glad you read that. Cause like, I don't think I could have gotten through that. 

[00:40:45] Kayla: I muted myself.

[00:40:46] So you didn't hear me cry? 

[00:40:49] Erin: I, I, yeah, I, I, I tiered when I was practicing reading it, I teared up a little bit. I see it, even though I don't have children, I see it in military [00:41:00] kids have such a special place in the military community and they, they are, they are... the spirit and the heart and why everyone does what they do.

[00:41:15] You know, that's why every parent in the military serves to keep their children and their country safe. And so they deserve a little extra ice cream this month to go to that baskin-Robbins. Not sponsored. 

[00:41:35] Molly: Mine be thrilled to hear that.

[00:41:40] Erin: But and, and just to add a little bit of perspective here, there are currently 1.2 million military children of active duty members worldwide. This is coming from a military benefits.com and the average military family moves three times more often than their civilian counterpart.[00:42:00] And I have one more thing or is it, oh, and I'm a resource for parents out there who want to maybe learn a little bit more about how to raise military kids or how to support their military kids. Go to militarykidsconnect.health.mil. We'll put the link in our description and their mission is: 

[00:42:27] 

[00:42:27] Military Kids Connect is an online community for military children, ages 6-17 and provides access to age appropriate resources to support children dealing with unique, psychological challenges of military life. MKC offers informative activities, helpful videos, and an online community that can build and reinforce understanding resilience and coping skills in military children and their peers."

[00:42:56] Also, a link that we're going to put in our description is [00:43:00] Kayla's website, where you can book a free consult call. 

[00:43:04] Kayla: If you're struggling with anything we talked about or if you're just feeling stuck or you just can't seem to make progress on your to-do list, like this, all the kind of stuff that I talk a lot about with my clients and we make a lot of progress on, so feel free to reach out.

[00:43:16] Like Erin said, it's a free call, we just hop on and talk about where you are, where you want to go, how it can help, what that looks like. Yeah. So if you're interested in definitely reach out. 

[00:43:25] Erin: Thank you so much for coming back. You're welcome anytime, we love having you.

[00:43:29] Kayla: Absolutely. I love being here with you ladies.

[00:43:31] I really appreciate it. 

[00:43:32] Erin: And from our house to yours, have a great day. 

[00:43:35] Molly: Bye everyone.

[00:43:36] Erin: Bye.

[00:43:38] MilSpouse House is brought to you by VA claims insider. 

[00:43:43] VA claims insider is an education-based coaching and consulting company for disabled veterans who are exploring eligibility for increased VA disability benefits. To book a free discovery call, go to vacifree30.com and talk to one of our team [00:44:00] members to see how you can get started on the path of receiving the compensation you deserve.