The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
Blind Spots in Dating: Understanding What Others See That You Don't-Sunscreen Love Audiobook
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Ever wonder why some people seem to effortlessly find meaningful relationships while others remain stuck in an endless cycle of first dates? The answer might be hiding in plain sight—or rather, on the back of your metaphorical shirt.
Coach Ratner introduces us to a powerful concept borrowed from Mike Zaney's "The Science of Dreams": we all wear shirts with writing on both sides. The front displays our strengths and positive qualities that both we and others can see. But the back—visible only to others—reveals our blind spots, those habits and traits that may be sabotaging our relationships without our knowledge.
These blind spots range from poor listening skills to dominating conversations, from social awkwardness to hygiene issues. The truly self-aware dater doesn't just highlight their positive attributes but actively seeks feedback about these hidden flaws.
Don't wait until a relationship is unraveling to seek guidance—invest in understanding your blind spots now. Your path to lasting love might begin with the simple act of having someone brave enough to read what's written on the back of your shirt—and you being courageous enough to listen.
Read the back of your shirt. You must be aware that, as you are in the research phase of your relationship, the person you are dating is also evaluating you. Just as you're getting to know them, they're forming opinions about you, both the good and not so good. This requires an honest look in the mirror to acknowledge that you, like everyone, have flaws, and some may even be outside your awareness. Understanding your own faults is called self-awareness. Mike Zaney, ceo of Predictive Index, offers a great way to think about this. In his book the Science of Dreams, he introduces an analogy he learned from a partner at Bain Company, one of the big three consulting companies headquartered in Boston, massachusetts. Picture yourself wearing a shirt with writing on the front and the back. On the front of the shirt are all the great things people have said about you, qualities that you know about and are proud of. These are the parts of you that are easily visible to both yourself and others, but the back of the shirt has writing too. These are the traits, habits and flaws that others notice but you might not. These are your blind spots. Self-awareness, then, is not just knowing about your strengths. It's about discovering and working on your weaknesses as well. This honesty, both with yourself and with your partner, lays the groundwork for a more authentic connection. To become more self-aware, it's essential to invite people around us to help us identify what's on the back of our shirts. This candid feedback can eliminate aspects of ourselves we may not even realize that are impacting our relationships. Here are some common traits or behaviors that might be on the back of our shirt Struggles to listen effectively, lacks awareness of others' needs, dominates or stands too close during conversations, dresses poorly or inappropriately, maintains poor hygiene or eating habits. Socially awkward these are just a few of the back of the shirt issues that people are unaware about. People who truly want to improve their chances of an amazing relationship are willing to withstand the discomfort of candid feedback. They realize they have blind spots that need improving and are willing to take that feedback to heart to improve. If you don't take to heart what's on the back of your shirt, you may repeat the same mistakes over and over and not even realize there is a problem. Here are two effective ways to discover what areas you can improve upon Seek out feedback and critique.
Speaker 1:Don't surround yourself solely with people who tell you what you want to hear. Seek out people willing to tell you what you need to hear, people who will call out what's on the back of your shirt. It is always nice to have people who are your yes-men. These are usually your friends, who are always on your side and will give you positive feedback about all your decisions in life. You don't want yes men helping you to make decisions. You need people who will tell you the truth about, without any bias involved.
Speaker 1:I went through this process while trying to improve the writing of my books. Almost everyone who read one of them would tell me they liked them, even though their views were appreciated. Those were all biased opinions. Unless my writing was extremely poor, which it probably isn't. Since you're still reading this far, they would probably like my books because they like me. I want to know everything I can do to improve upon and all the mistakes I don't know about. I want someone to tell me what is on the back of my shirt.
Speaker 1:Number two accept feedback without being defensive. The next time someone tries to give you honest feedback, even if it's uncomfortable, even if it's uncomfortable instead, just listen and thank them in the moment before taking the time to contemplate, even if you don't agree with what they say. You have been given the gift of actually knowing how they feel. If you respond negatively or defensively, it will be the last time you get that honest feedback. No one will tell you again what's on the back of your shirt directly. They will just talk about it when you're not around. Our first reaction is getting negative feedback. Our first reaction to getting negative feedback is generally to give an excuse or rationalization of why their viewpoint is wrong. Your opinion may change later on, when you had time to contemplate what they said. You may then even agree with their criticism of you.
Speaker 1:I've met many people struggling to find someone to date and I try to be honest with them about why I think they are failing. Some take it personally and believe I'm wrong about what I see written on the back of their shirt. However, those who are willing to listen end up finding success in their relationships. In fact, I once received a phone call on someone's wedding night thanking me for helping them to improve themselves and open their heart to love. Case study I was coaching a guy who was about 35 years old. He was very sweet but did not have the greatest social skills. Unlike some older single men I meet, he wasn't a weirdo. He simply didn't have much experience talking to women, which made him nervous. Recognizing this, he sought coaching to improve. Coach, I need some help. I want to date with this woman and I think I want to marry her Me. What Are you sure? Yes, coach, how can I get her to want to marry me, me? If you really want to lock her in, you have to show her that you really like her. You have to be vulnerable so she knows that your heart is open. I advised him to tell her on her second date that he really liked her, but in a way that felt sincere and heartfelt. So we practiced saying you know, I really like you, repeating it until he felt comfortable and natural. They ended up engaged by their eighth date and now he's living happily ever after.
Speaker 1:Another case study I met this man in one of my classes in Jerusalem. He was in his mid-40s and, from my perspective, could use some help. You can sometimes tell right away when someone is socially awkward, not just by their appearance but by their overall demeanor. He was one of those individuals who struggled in social settings. He confided in me about this difficulty getting a second date, so I empathized with his frustration. So I agreed to help.
Speaker 1:Unfortunately, as we worked together, his challenges proved to be even deeper than I initially realized. He began texting me multiple times a day, sending not just brief messages but lengthy, rumbling thoughts. It was as if he was pouring out all his internal reflections in each text. When we met for coffee, I noticed that he couldn't hold eye contact, constantly looking away, as if searching his mind for what to say next. It was like when someone's giving a speech and loses focus and glances upward to find their words, kind of like looking into their brain. Except he did it non-stop, barely maintaining eye contact for more than a few seconds. I asked if he was aware of this habit and he admitted that he was, but had never tried to change it. I explained that on a date, if you can't keep eye contact with a woman, she's going to think you're nuts and you're unlikely to get a second chance. He seemed unaware that this was an issue. Unfortunately, he did nothing about it, and his constant, long-winded texts eventually became so overwhelming that I had to block him. This was a case of me reading him the back of a shirt but him doing nothing about it.
Speaker 1:Becoming more self-aware isn't meant to be comfortable, but what's far more comfortable is being the only person in the room unaware of the reality that's obvious to everyone else standing behind you. What you do with the information that someone gives to everyone else standing behind you, what you do with the information that someone gives you is entirely up to you. The guy that needed coaching to lock in this woman for marriage listened to my advice and got what he wanted. The other guy has not listened to my coaching and continues to have lots of first dates. If Fortune 500 companies invest between $100 and $150 million a month in consulting services, it's clear that getting advice from an outside perspective improves their bottom line. In the realm of relationships, these consultants are marriage counselors, yet people typically only seek them when the relationship is unraveling. Ideally, people would seek advice from relationship consultants before entering the dating world. A good consultant can provide insights on what you need to do to increase your chances of finding a meaningful lifelong partnership. Since this is really done, I hope this book will serve as your dating coach.
Speaker 1:Consider how many people you know who have been dating for years without finding a long-term relationship. Now imagine someone telling you everything they think is wrong with you. Would you truly listen and work on yourself, or would you dismiss their advice? If you've been dating for a long time with little success, it's possible that no one has ever read the back of your shirt. If you want to get closer to the phase of never leaving, find someone honest enough to read it to you and be open to listening. This is Coach Ratner at the Coach Ratner Podcast.