The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
Beyond the Birkin Bag: Finding True Connection in an Ego-Driven World-Sunscreen Love Audiobook
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Your ego is not your amigo, especially when it comes to relationships. This profound truth reveals itself in the cars we choose, the homes we occupy, the titles we pursue, and perhaps most importantly, the partners we select. Too often, we're drawn to someone not because they offer genuine connection, but because they enhance our image or status – think of wealthy older men with partners decades their junior, relationships built more on ego fulfillment than soulful connection.
When we lack self-esteem, we desperately seek external validation. The $450,000 Hermès Birkin bag phenomenon perfectly illustrates this principle. Despite identical alternatives available for a fraction of the price, some people willingly pay huge sums for these status symbols. Why? Primarily to feed the ego's insatiable appetite for external validation.
When we allow our ego to dictate our choices, focusing attention on ourselves rather than our partners, relationship problems inevitably arise. By recognizing and resisting ego-driven urges, we dramatically improve our chances of finding and maintaining genuine love. Remember, in the quest for passionate, authentic relationships, your ego truly is not your amigo.
Your ego is not your amigo. Our ego may pose the greatest threat to the success of our relationships. The ego manifests itself in the car we drive, the house we live in, the titles we pursue and even in the way we choose our partners, sometimes more for the attention they bring than for genuine connection. Consider, for example, the phenomenon of wealthy, older men dating much younger women. Consider, for example, the phenomenon of wealthy, older men dating much younger women. In many cases, these relationships aren't about soulful connections, but are simply about boosting one's ego. They get their ego filled by walking into a restaurant with a woman on their arm who is 40 years younger. It's a way to fill the void left by low self-esteem. It reflects a need for validation and importance in the eyes of others. When we feel insecure, we may compensate by seeking ways to inflate our egos, attempting to appear more important. One thing our ego likes to do is to make ourselves look good. Why we feel good about ourselves? When we're told we look good. Who doesn't like that? If you don't find that positive feedback from others, especially your partner, you may try to find something else to help you achieve that boost in your ego. It can be in the car you drive, jewelry, clothes or how good you think your body looks. It can also be in your job title or how successful you want others to think you are. It can even manifest itself in something as simple as a purse.
Speaker 1:Hermes makes a bag called the Birkin, which, despite being marketed as a tote, is essentially a high-end purse. The Diamond Himalaya Birkin is infamous for being the most expensive handbag ever sold. In 2022, sotheby's sold a Diamond Himalayan Birkin 30 for over $450,000. Recently, prices for the most desirable non-diamond Himalayan Birkin 25 in store-fresh condition is around $200,000. Meanwhile, countless companies sell knockoffs or ones that are similar in style that almost look identical for a fraction of the price. So why would people pay such astronomical sums for a designer handbag when they could buy a similar looking version for much less?
Speaker 1:A friend of mine sells millions of dollars worth of luxury purses each year. I ask him why people spend so much on Hermes bags and he explained that they are considered valuable assets by the wealthy. Hermes also limits production, making the bags rare. Each purse is hand-stitched and many are crafted from exotic materials like crocodile or alligator skin. But as we continue talking, he admitted that spending that much money on a purse is frankly a bit absurd. Ultimately, he said, people buy Hermes bags because of ego. If it makes you feel good about yourself and you have this disposable income, go for it. Just recognize that the purchase might be compensating for low self-esteem. Having a passionate marriage is only achievable when your ego is not controlling your life. My friend mentioned that many of the Birkin bags he resells come from women going through divorce, which underscores my point. When the ego needs inflating, whether through buying expensive items or seeking validation, it can deflate the strengths of a marriage.
Speaker 1:I went through something similar when I was younger. I had always dreamed of owning a Porsche, not because it was practical or sensible, but because I thought I would look good cool driving it. If I went to practical, I would have purchased a Honda. I believed the car would elevate my status and self-image. So in the mid-1990s, when I saved enough money, I bought a 1988 Porsche Cabriolet convertible. It was everything I imagined sexy and powerful. Exactly the same way I thought of myself. However, not long after purchasing the car, the thrill I had anticipated quickly turned to disappointment. I quickly figured that, although the car was still great, I wasn't so sexy, nor was I so powerful.
Speaker 1:For anyone who has owned a high-end sports car, you know that the maintenance is expensive. From what I remember, it seemed that every time I walked into the repair shop it would cost me a lot of money. Alternator broke $1,000. Out of alignment $1,000. Low air and tire $1,000. Okay, maybe that wasn't $1,000, but that is what I remember. While I hadn't anticipated these costs, the stress of paying for them far outweighed the pleasure I thought I would get from owning the Porsche.
Speaker 1:This experience is the perfect metaphor for marriage. Everyone knows marriage is hard and requires lots of compromise and communication to stay in a passionate relationship. Everyone knows that even the best marriages will go through turbulence. When the pain of being in a marriage outweighs the pleasure, you get a divorce. It's the same with my Porsche. When the cost and headaches of repairs eclipsed the excitement, I sold the car.
Speaker 1:The real reason for me was that my desire to own the Porsche was entirely driven by my ego. The anticipation of owning it was far more thrilling than the actual ownership. This realization changed how I viewed many things in life. I learned that I didn't need the Porsche. I only wanted it to boost my self-image. I only wanted it for my ego.
Speaker 1:If you think finding a husband or wife will magically make you happy or boost your ego. You may find yourself in the same situation I was in with my Porsche. The real purpose of a car is to get from point A to point B, which nearly any vehicle can do just as well. Similarly, the purpose of a marriage is not to elevate your social standing, but to build a meaningful connection with your partner. Ego-driven desires, whether it's a fancy car, expensive clothes or a big house, only serve to draw attention to ourselves. When the focus is on yourself rather than your spouse, problems will inevitably rise. If you can resist the urge to act on your ego, you can keep it in check and avoid letting it interfere with your chances of finding and keeping the love of your life. After all, as the saying goes, your ego is not your amigo.