The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
The 3 Questions You Must Ask Before Getting Married-Sunscreen Love Audiobook
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Facing uncertainty about whether to marry your current partner? This episode delivers the framework you need to make this life-altering decision with confidence and clarity. We dive deep into three powerful questions that cut through confusion and reveal whether your relationship has true "forever" potential.
The journey begins with an honest look at physical attraction – not just surface-level appeal, but that deeper magnetic pull that grows stronger as you discover someone's inner qualities.
At the heart of every successful marriage lies a shared meaningful purpose. While most couples obsess over wedding details for a five-hour celebration, they neglect preparing for decades together. We examine why common interests like enjoying the same music or sports can't sustain a lifetime commitment, and what truly binds couples through life's inevitable challenges. You'll discover why marriages based solely on raising children or accumulating wealth often crumble once those goals are achieved, and how to build something far more enduring.
The final questions are tailored specifically to men and women. For men: "Am I willing to make her happy for the rest of my life?" This requires envisioning your partner through all of life's changes and committing to their happiness regardless of circumstances. For women: "Do I respect my future husband?" We explore why genuine respect forms the foundation of a woman's satisfaction in marriage, and how to distinguish between acceptable quirks and true deal-breakers.
Ready to move beyond wedding planning and build a marriage that stands the test of time? These three questions will guide you toward a partnership filled with genuine attraction, shared purpose, and mutual respect – the essential ingredients for a lifetime of happiness together.
The three questions you must ask before getting married. Young adults often ask me for advice when they feel unsure about whether they should marry the person they're currently dating. These three questions can provide valuable clarity and offer useful insights to guide you through the dating process. Question number one Am I physically attracted to this person? Number one Am I physically attracted to this person? Physical attraction is undeniably important and you need to feel a positive vibe to your partner's appearance. However, true attraction goes deeper than looks. It's about being drawn to their inner beauty as well. As discussed earlier in the crush phase. The more you truly get to know someone, the more attractive they become to you. Conversely, the more flaws or negative traits you discover, the less appealing they become. Or what was at one time good-looking is now ugly.
Speaker 1:Real, lasting attraction grows from a combination of physical connection and admiration for who they are on the inside. Think back to the funniest guy or girl from your high school or college days. They were often dating someone who was quite attractive, even if they themselves weren't so good-looking. Humor has a powerful way of making people feel good about themselves, and that can easily overshadow any lack of physical beauty. A great sense of humor can be just as magnetic, if not more so, than looks. It's a trait that makes people feel good and creates attraction. You may be physically attracted to the person you will eventually marry, but that does not make them physically attractive. You might like someone who is an intellectual, a good listener or someone who really understands you. Whatever initially attracts you, the more you get to know and appreciate them on a deeper level, the more attractive they will become in your eyes. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what others think. You're the one who will share a life with this person. This question that you should ask yourself is relatively straightforward and most people will likely answer yes. However, it's important to ask because, if you're still in the crush or research phase and are still struggling with their physical appearance, that feeling probably won't change over time. It could be an indication that this isn't the right match for you, and it may be a signal to move on.
Speaker 1:Question number two Do we share a meaningful purpose in life? Why is it so important to discuss your meaningful life purpose? Because most people invest more time planning their wedding day than their actual marriage. How long does the average wedding last? At the most, five hours, but a marriage is meant to last a lifetime. Unfortunately, without aligning on our meaningful purpose in life beforehand, the average marriage today lasts only about seven years.
Speaker 1:By having these conversations early, you set the foundation for a strong, lasting partnership, ensuring you're both working toward a shared future rather than just a great party. Couples often dedicate an immense amount of time planning their wedding day, obsessing over details like who makes the A-list and which distant cousins will get an invite. Then there's the reception to organize, choosing the caterer, photographer, band, color scheme, venue, date and menu. Some brides even go to great lengths, traveling across the country to be fitted for an Oscar de la Renta gown or Christian Louboutin shoes that they'll only wear once. In fact, many brides spend more on a wedding dress than some people spend on their entire wedding. While these details may seem crucial in the moment, they pale in comparison to the significance of building a lasting marriage. Is that truly where your priorities lie? A meaningful life extends far beyond choosing a beautiful wedding dress or planning an extravagant event. One of your first substantial conversations should be about the big picture, like your thoughts on children. How do you both envision parenting, and what values will guide your family? Next, consider how you'll spend your time together. Will you dedicate yourself solely to leisure activities like vacations and sporting events, or do you plan to give back to others and help those in need? What might seem important now can become essential as life progresses. Set a foundation by discussing these deeper priorities early on. This will ensure your relationship grows with a meaningful purpose.
Speaker 1:You're on a vacation in New York City. On a sightseeing boat touring around Manhattan, suddenly, you see a boy fall overboard. You scream for help, but everyone around you is immobilized and panicked. You jump in and save the boy yourself and, with help from the crew, you're able to get him back on board. The boy is crying, but physically unharmed. You're exhausted and traumatized, but thrilled that you were able to save a life. You go back to your hotel room and shower off all the muck from the Hudson River and fall down on the bed, exhausted. After many years and countless vacations all over the world, which vacation do you think would be the most memorable? If it's not the vacation where you saved a young boy, you might have some work to do. Few things add more meaning to life than saving someone's life, especially a child's. A sense of purpose and meaning is essential in a relationship, and these are the moments we truly cherish in the long run.
Speaker 1:In Stephen Covey's best-selling book, the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, habit number two encourages us to start off with the end in mind. While you might expect this advice to apply to business success like planning what to do with your company when you retire whether to sell, pass it on to your children or take it public Covey is actually referring to something far deeper. He challenges us to think about our legacy after we're gone, not just in business, but in life. What values will you leave behind? How will people remember you? Covey emphasizes that true success lies in shaping the meaningful impact you leave on others, not just your professional achievements. He prompts us to ask ourselves a powerful question what do you want people to say at your funeral? This reflection helps clarify what truly matters in your life.
Speaker 1:If you accumulate wealth, do you want to be remembered for your expensive cars and lavish homes? Would you prefer to be eulogized as a hard worker who sacrificed weekends and family time for the sake of your career? Or would you rather be celebrated for the meaningful moments spent with family and friends, as well as your philanthropic efforts throughout your life? It's unlikely that anyone sat on their deathbed that wished to have more work hours. Instead, what most people cherish are the connections they've made and the positive impact they had on others. No one ever says on his deathbed I wished I worked more hours.
Speaker 1:When your life centers around meaningful purpose rather than just accumulating wealth, you'll likely find that your marriage and life in general becomes more fulfilling and significant as well. Learning to be a giver can significantly enhance your relationships, as love flourishes by the act of giving. Remember our earlier discussion about the feeling of being in love. It's about giving to someone without expecting anything in return. If giving to others helps expecting anything in return, if giving to others helps us feel that way, maybe we should even give to others that are not our spouse. How much more pleasure and meaning would we get in life? It's this common purpose that will drive the pleasure in a relationship. Ultimately, there are only two legacies you leave behind your children and your deeds. Your deeds represent what you accomplished in your lifetime, while your children embody your values and beliefs. Strive to leave a legacy that inspires them to carry on generosity and kindness.
Speaker 1:Be careful of confusing common purpose with having common interests like hobbies or favorite activities. Sure, it's nice if both of you enjoy the music of Maroon 5 and like watching Breaking Bad. These things can make dating more enjoyable, but they're not the foundation for a lasting relationship. If you want someone to enjoy your hobbies with, that's what friends are for. While having common interests with your partner is great, it's not the secret ingredient that leads to a lifelong relationship. Back in the 1980s and 90s, when I lived in the Washington DC area, you couldn't escape hearing about the Washington Redskins now the Commanders. They won three Super Bowls in 10 years and the entire region was obsessed with the team. When I dated women back then, I often asked if they enjoyed watching Redskins games. Almost all said yes, but after getting to know them better, it became clear that most of them didn't care about football at all. They said yes because they thought that sharing my interests would make me happy.
Speaker 1:Early in the relationship, having common interests might seem important, but years into marriage, those interests often fade into the background. Might seem important, but years into marriage, those interests often fade into the background. Once life gets busier with work, marriage and children, do couples still spend time watching football, working out together or playing softball like they used to? Often much less Common interests might help you find someone, but they won't sustain a marriage. Common interests may be the reason you end up finding someone to marry, but to get to never leaving you need a lot more than a cruise in the Bahamas, playing Scrabble and Pilates. What truly holds a marriage together is not shared hobbies, but shared meaningful purpose. To illustrate this, let's revisit an example from earlier.
Speaker 1:In the book the Cooking Show Chalked, there was an episode where the competition paired up four couples on blind dates. Each couple had to work together as a team to create the best dish and win the grand prize. Typically, out of four blind dates, it would be unusual for more than one couple to hit it off and want another date. Just think about if you set up four blind dates with the singles. You know what are the chances that even one of them would go out again Maybe one if you're lucky. In this instance, all four couples went off to date again privately. So why did all four couples want a second date? It's because they shared a meaningful purpose, even if in this case, it was simply cooking a dish for the judges. Working toward a common objective gave him a sense of connection. Now imagine how much stronger a relationship could be if the shared purpose was something far more significant than winning a cooking competition.
Speaker 1:When couples share a meaningful life purpose, whether it's raising a family, contributing to their community or supporting each other's dreams, it provides a deeper bond than just enjoying the same music or movies. This shared purpose is what truly keeps the relationship thriving long after the initial excitement fades To get to never leaving. You need more than shared interests. You need a meaningful shared purpose. Why do you need a shared meaningful purpose in life? Why is having a shared meaningful life purpose so essential to a lasting relationship? Because one of the greatest feelings in life is having a sense of meaning and purpose. Knowing that you are needed and that your life has a direction brings a sense of fulfillment.
Speaker 1:Couples who share a meaningful life purpose are far more likely to stay together, as their relationship is rooted in something deeper than fleeting passions or external factors. Purpose is often forward-looking. It's about where you're headed and what you hope to achieve. Meaning, on the other hand, is backward-looking. It's built on what you've accomplished and the whole role you've played in your life so far. When you have purpose, that creates meaning. Together, purpose and meaning create a foundation that transcends the physical world. This is why relationships built on purely physical factors like attraction or financial success are often more likely to fail. These things don't last, and once they fade, couples can find themselves disconnected beyond the physical.
Speaker 1:It's crucial that your shared meaningful purpose isn't based solely on physical desires. Take, for instance, the goal of having children. While raising a family is a noble and fulfilling life goal, it can't be the only thing binding you together. What happens when the children grow up and leave the house? Many couples experience a sense of emptiness when they no longer have the day-to-day responsibilities of raising kids, and they may find they've lost touch with one another. You may have a couple whose children have moved out of the house and are now staring at each other in the kitchen wondering why they got married in the first place. This often leads to empty nest divorces.
Speaker 1:While raising children is deeply fulfilling, a truly meaningful life together needs to go beyond that. The same holds true for couples who focus their shared goals on material success, whether it's building wealth, buying a big house or taking luxury vacations. While these can certainly make life more comfortable, they can sustain a relationship. Once the thrill of accumulating wealth or the excitement of a fancy vacation wears off, couples may find themselves asking what now? They risk becoming like those who spend their days obsessed with external pleasures, whether that's choosing the right designer outfit or driving your Bentley to their country club. Then your sole purpose may be spending four hours chasing a little white ball into a small hole in as few shots as possible. The whole time, you're wondering why you were married in the first place.
Speaker 1:Wealth doesn't guarantee success. Recently, we've seen some of the world's wealthiest individuals, like Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates, go through very public divorces. These examples highlight the fact that money doesn't necessarily make a relationship easier. In fact, it can introduce its own set of challenges. Some might even argue that poverty can foster a stronger bond as couples work together to survive and pay the bills. When money is no longer a worry, new challenges arise competing priorities, distractions or even a loss of purpose. It's telling that wealthier cities often have a higher concentration of divorce attorneys. Money, while making life more comfortable, does not guarantee a long-lasting loving relationship, so it's important to understand that financial success is not a meaningful life purpose that will sustain your marriage. Common interests aren't enough.
Speaker 1:Some couples bond over shared physical activities like working out, running or playing sports together. While staying healthy is important. Making physical fitness the central focus of your relationship can also lead to problems. What happens when your body can't keep up with the same exercise routine as you age, or when life's demands like raising children or managing careers get in the way of your fitness goals? If your relationship is based only on working out together, it can begin to fall apart when those activities take a back seat. Personally, I used to run with my wife when we were dating, but now, with kids and other responsibilities, our workout sessions together are rare.
Speaker 1:While physical fitness remains important, it's not the central pillow of a relationship, and that's okay. Physical intimacy, however, is critical to a strong marriage. A loving physical connection must be a regular part of a relationship. Without it, the marriage will deteriorate. Yet even this essential component needs to be coupled with something deeper. A marriage based solely on physical factors, whether it's children, wealth or fitness, will struggle in the long run. The kids finally leave the house. You've amassed great wealth, you are a top-rated marathon runner or have a killer body at 50. Now what is your marriage based on? There must be something more. So what's next? The answer lies in finding a shared meaningful life purpose, something that transcends the physical world and gives both of you a sense of direction. The rights building a legacy, contributing to a cause, are nurturing a deep spiritual connection. This shared purpose will serve as the glue that holds a relationship together. It's this sense of shared meaning that can take a relationship from good to the unbreakable.
Speaker 1:Fourth phase, never leaving your shared meaningful life. Purpose must be rooted in something deeper than just the physical world. By either incorporating spirituality or a passion for a cause, you create a foundation that can withstand external pressures. Without this, your net worth becomes your self-worth. You will both have a sense of fulfillment that transcends material success, helping both you remain content and centered regardless of life's ups and downs. Without spirituality, your net worth becomes your self-worth.
Speaker 1:Case study A non-profit organization once invited me to attend a major donor event in Miami. At the time I was working in LA and I was not planning to go. Alas, they offered me a ride on a donor's private jet from Los Angeles to Miami. With a smile, I agreed. At the small airport I met the jet's owners, an older couple with no children. I was immediately struck by how passionate they were together. While they clearly enjoyed the luxury of private jet travel, they also dedicated much of their resources to supporting nonprofits aligned with their values, which were mainly conservative political organizations. Beyond financial contributions, they actively advised these organizations on how to achieve lasting success. What stood out was the strength of their marriage, which they attributed to sharing a deep, meaningful purpose. Their partnership was built on a foundation of making a positive impact on the world.
Speaker 1:Here are eight characteristics to look for in someone that may have a shared meaningful purpose with you. Commitment to growth they actively seek ways to grow both personally and spiritually. They understand that life is a journey of continuous learning and self-improvement. Two service to others Always on the lookout for opportunities to contribute, they don't wait for someone to ask for help. They anticipate the needs of others and step in willingly. Three kindness to contribute they don't wait for someone to ask for help. They anticipate the needs of others and step in willingly. Three kindness to all. Whether it's a waiter or a celebrity, they treat everyone with respect and dignity. Their compassion extends to all people, regardless of status. Four positive judgment they approach others with an open mind, choosing to see the good and judge people favorably, even when it's difficult.
Speaker 1:5. Contentment they are happy with what they have and they don't constantly strive for more material possessions. Their happiness comes from within, not from external circumstances. Big picture thinker they avoid getting caught up in small trivial details. Big picture thinker they avoid getting caught up in small trivial details. Instead, they see the bigger picture and are able to step back, allowing life to flow without trying to control every aspect. Seven doesn't keep score. They don't measure the give and take in relationships. There's no tally of who did what, because love is not transactional to them. Number eight no celebrity worship. They don't place undue importance on celebrities, athletes or anyone in the public eye. Their role models are people of integrity and character, not those celebrated for superficial achievements.
Speaker 1:Question number three for a man, am I willing to make her happy for the rest of my life? For a man, am I willing to make her happy for the rest of my life? This question is directed specifically to men and you'll understand why when you see the third question intended for women. The reason this question is not aimed at women is simple when a man makes his wife happy, she'll want to make him happy. If you can answer yes to this question, you are well on your way to having an incredible marriage.
Speaker 1:It's important to envision your potential spouse not just as they are now, but as they might be 20, 30, or even 40 years later in life. The demands of raising children, managing households, responsibilities and pursuing careers can take a toll on individuals, both physically and mentally. Moreover, as we age, the effects of time and gravity can lead to changes in our physical appearance that even the best aerobics or yoga routines can't completely counteract. To put it bluntly, you have to imagine your spouse 50 pounds heavier and still answer this question with a resounding yes. Although my wife and I are now in our 50s and certainly not in the same shape we were on our wedding day, I found her even more attractive than she was 24 years ago. Our meaningful life purpose aligns beautifully, and I've learned that the more I do things to make her happy, the more she wants to make me happy. If you can't envision wanting to support your spouse after they've gained weight or are facing emotional challenges, then, houston, we have a problem.
Speaker 1:If you generally believe you would be willing to go over and beyond to support your wife's happiness, you're on the right track. However, it's essential to agree on what happiness means to both of you before telling them not, for instance, while a husband buying a kegerator for his wife might bring him joy, it will not do the same for her unless she drinks a lot of beer. Clear communication about your definitions of happiness and how to achieve it together is crucial for building a strong, strong, lasting relationship. Question number three for a woman Do I respect my future husband? Do you generally admire your potential husband for their abilities, qualities and achievements? If you can't confidently answer yes to that question, it's time to reconsider. Respect is fundamental in any marriage. You can't say I'll only respect them if they improve their flaws or get a better job. You must accept your partner for who they are now, as it's likely they won't change significantly after marriage. If you're not happy with them now, chances are you won't be happy later.
Speaker 1:While your future spouse may express a willingness to improve, it's important not to rely solely on that promise. True compatibility comes from appreciating and respecting each other as you are right now. Of course, a husband must also respect his wife, but it's just something that's more important for a male to feel. Let's consider a scenario where you believe your future husband engages in some immature activities like spending hours in his basement playing with electric trains. If this bothers you, it's unlikely those feelings will simply vanish after marriage. If you expect that he will abandon this hobby once you're married, you may find yourself disappointed.
Speaker 1:It's essential to recognize that this is how he enjoys spending his free time, and respecting his interests is crucial. Accepting each other's hobbies and quirks is a key part of building a healthy relationship. Suppose your potential husband wants to go to law school so he can become a partner in a major law firm. This ambition will likely involve long hours of studying and busy weekends, leaving less time for family. He may expect you to handle household responsibilities alone while he focuses on his studies. If you choose to marry him, it's essential to respect his decisions and priorities. You need to weigh your spouse's positive and negative character traits and decide if the relationship is worthwhile. People have the potential for personal growth as they get older, but only if they are honest and willing to do so. Be careful in flexibility, because that will keep them from improving themselves, and flexibility can be a good quality when dealing with someone's morals, but not when it inevitably affects the relationship.
Speaker 1:Before I got married, watching football was incredibly important to me. In fact, I forgot to check the football schedule when we chose our wedding date. As luck would have it. The Washington Redskins had a game scheduled at the exact same time as our wedding, so I did what any real football fan would do I canceled the wedding. Of course, I didn't cancel the wedding to watch the game Far from it, in fact. I didn't even think about the game on that day. What mattered far more was I was participating in an event of deep significance. I used to be inflexible about missing games, but I quickly learned that when something is truly meaningful, it eclipses everything else in your life. This experience taught me that love and commitment can create a sense of fulfillment that far surpasses any sporting event.
Speaker 1:In many of my private coaching sessions, young women often share that they feel unsure about marrying the man they're dating. I ask them directly do you respect him? If they hesitate or avoid eye contact, it's a clear sign that an underlying issue is troubling them. Case study I was coaching a very sharp 24-year-old young lady who had been dating her boyfriend for several years. She was passionately bragging about him, so I asked her why she was meeting with me. She admitted that she was bothered by what she considered his lack of intelligence. I told her that he sounded fantastic. I even mentioned that I liked Amina. When I eventually did, I found him just as she described a great guy, though perhaps not the sharpest tool in the shed. He definitely was a bit slow. I encouraged her to try to make the relationship work because he really was a special guy with flawless character traits.
Speaker 1:A few months later she called me in tears. She was struggling with the relationship and feeling conflicted. I asked her a direct question Do you respect him? Her answer was no, I told her gently. He will make a wonderful husband for someone, just not for you. She then asked me if she could date him for two more years until she finishes college. I told her that would not be very nice to him. I don't know what happened in the end.
Speaker 1:When you're a young and single guy, respect might not be something you think about or consider essential for a future spouse, but as you grow, respect becomes vital. It's essential for a man to feel respected and lacking it should be a deal breaker. Although my future wife may have respected me except my love of football, she recognized my willingness and ability to grow as a person. She saw potential in me that others overlooked. If you genuinely respect your spouse, you may find it easier to overlook certain character flaws, especially if you believe they have potential for growth. It's essential to distinguish between things you don't respect, that are true deal breakers, and those where compromise is possible. You must have genuine respect for your partner's character, intellect, emotions and everything about them. When you respect your future spouse deeply, you lay a strong foundation for a lasting marriage, one where commitment is unwavering. As you navigate your relationship, ask yourself do I respect this person in every way possible? That's a question worth asking. Thanks for listening to the Coach Renner Podcast.