The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
Why Your Relationship Needs Regular Reapplication, Just Like Sunscreen-Audiobook
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What if everything you thought about love was missing one crucial element?
When we walk down the aisle or commit to a partner, we're confident our love will last forever. In that moment, it feels effortless and natural—but therein lies the dangerous assumption. Love, as it turns out, functions remarkably like sunscreen at the beach. Apply it once, and you might feel protected, but forget to reapply throughout the day, and you'll end up painfully burned.
Don't let your relationship suffer from neglect. Understand your partner's love language and consistently show your affection through small, meaningful gestures. Remember, no amount of "relationship aloe" can soothe the burn of love that's faded through neglect. Keep reapplying the sunscreen of romance, and your relationship will remain protected through life's harshest seasons.
Sunscreen love. The commitment phase begins once you've completed the research phase in your relationship. At this point, you've found no major deal-breakers that would prevent you from moving forward toward a lifelong partnership. However, it's important to remember that many challenges in marriage only surface years later, except the ones that surface while you're cutting the wedding cake. This is why it's essential to have a clear understanding of what love and marriage truly mean. You've also recognized that your feelings are more than just infatuation. They are rooted in genuine love. Reaching this phase may not have come from a single aha moment, but rather through a series of experiences and realizations that have guided you here. Everything in this phase serves as the baseline necessary to even get close to the never-leaving phase of a relationship. This chapter should be considered essential reading for anyone contemplating tying the knot. It provides critical insights and understanding needed to build a lasting, committed marriage.
Speaker 1:Picture this You're enjoying a weekend at your beach house. Before heading out, you diligently apply SPF 30 sunscreen to protect your skin. You spend the entire day at the beach soaking up the sun and having a blast. But when you return to your beach house, step into the shower and catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, you're completely burnt. What happened? You forgot to reapply the sunscreen. Love works the exact same way. As you walk down the aisle to merge two lives together, every bride and groom is thinking that they will be in love forever. You think love's come easy because at this moment it does. Here's where the challenge lies. Just like being on the beach, when you're so busy swimming, walking, reading a book, taking a nap, you completely forget to reapply the sunscreen. It's no different than love. It's easy to forget that it also needs to be attended to. Life gets busy with careers, hobbies and especially children, all of which can draw attention away from your relationship. Romancing the relationship means transforming that initial infatuation and desire into lasting love. If you don't, your relationship may suffer just as you can get burned by forgetting to reapply sunscreen at the beach. I've heard from men in their 40s and 50s who were shocked to receive divorce papers from their wives' attorneys, completely blindsided by the news. In many cases, they had lost sight of the importance of nurturing and maintaining the love. If you don't consistently nurture and care for your relationship, the love you share can begin to fade, just as sunscreen does over time.
Speaker 1:Lasting love requires ongoing effort and renewal to keep it strong and resilient. Many things can be mistaken for love. Desire, infatuation, lust and physical attraction. While these elements may spark a relationship, they are merely the tools that lead to true love. Romance, however, is the ongoing effort that sustains it. It's the continuous reapplication of sunscreen that keeps love alive.
Speaker 1:In the early stages of relationship, romance doesn't feel like work because it flows naturally. But after living with someone for 10, 20, or even 30 years, it takes conscious effort To keep love alive. You have to be willing to invest in romancing the relationship even when it no longer feels effortless. When you meet someone new, your focus is naturally on your own needs. You're likely not thinking I want to date someone who can fulfill someone else's emotional, intellectual and physical needs. Instead, you're considering what you're getting from the relationship, not what you can give. This is perfectly natural. True selflessness usually emerges only when real love develops. Only then do you begin to gently desire to give to someone else without expecting anything in return.
Speaker 1:There is a certain amount of enthusiasm when dating. Everything that is new in the unknown future is sometimes more exciting than the true reality. Once you get to the commitment phase, much of the mystery fades, and that's what takes the excitement level down a few notches. It may be that the original exhilaration we had fueled some of that desire that we had for someone early on. This is why we need to understand that love takes constant maintenance. It's not a given that because you love someone at one time that it will continue forever. If that was the case, there would be almost no divorce.
Speaker 1:So how do we keep love in the marriage? The first step is to realize that it can't come by itself. There's an effort to acquire love, and that is romance. Romance is a behavior through which someone expresses their intimate feelings and emotions towards another person. Infatuation, lust and desire are just the starting points, but they're not love. True love begins to grow when you add romance. It's transforming those initial feelings into something deeper.
Speaker 1:Romance isn't reserved for dating. It's an essential part of marriage and the key to reach the phase of never leaving. It's the act of showing your love for someone else. It's the little things you do on an ongoing basis Touching, hugging, brushing up against them, writing love notes, spending quality time together, words of affection. These are all examples of romance. You must be showing romance to your spouse and you also must be receiving it in a positive way. It's important to know your spouse's love language so you can express the love in the way that makes them feel loved.
Speaker 1:The most profound demonstration of real love can often be seen in older couples in their 80s. By this stage, the lust and physical desire have faded. The physical aspect of the relationship is no longer the main focus. Yet their devotion and care for one another remain unwavering. They may not look the same as they did in their 20s unless it's Cher as the tools of lust have served their purpose in earlier years. Perhaps that's why God designed us to be attractive when we're young, to draw in the opposite gender and cultivate the lust and desire that ultimately leads to lasting love.
Speaker 1:You've likely come across stories of elderly individuals caring for a spouse with Alzheimer's, even when that spouse no longer remembers them. Why do they do this? It exemplifies true love, not focusing on what one can give from the relationship, but rather on what one can give. This is also reflected in a way we feel about friends who have passed away. Even if we didn't visit them during their illness, we often feel compelled to attend their funeral. They may not know we're there, but our presence is a testament to the love we felt for them. It's a selfless act, giving our time and support without expecting anything in return, an ultimate gesture of love. Love requires effort and ongoing attention. Much like applying sunscreen Don't take for granted that it will endure without consistent nurturing. Just as neglecting to reapply sunscreen can lead to painful sunburn, failing to prioritize romance in your relationship can cause your relationship to burn and, like a sunburn, the loss of a love can have far deeper consequences, for which no amount of aloe will help you.