The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
From Respecting Men to Listening to Women: Sunscreen Love Audiobook
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The secret to a thriving marriage lies in four simple principles: attention, affection, appreciation, and awareness. These "Four A's" serve as a practical framework for couples seeking to strengthen their emotional bond and navigate the natural differences between men and women.
Marriage thrives when we understand our differences. Women generally need to feel loved and cherished, while men crave respect above all else. This fundamental distinction explains why the same gestures might not resonate equally with both partners. When a husband returns home seeking solitude and a wife desires conversation, it's not incompatibility—it's simply different emotional needs at play.
Practical strategies make all the difference. Husbands can engage their wives emotionally by asking three simple questions: "What did you do today?", "What's on your mind?", and "How are you feeling?" These questions address physical, intellectual, and emotional connection—the PIE principle. For wives, acknowledging their husband's arrival home by pausing other activities communicates the respect he craves. Creating technology-free spaces and times allows for genuine connection without distractions.
Ready to transform your relationship? Start applying these principles today. Just as location determines real estate value, attention determines marital success. Your marriage deserves nothing less than your full engagement.
The four A's attention, affection, appreciation and awareness. Men and women often connect in different ways, and recognizing these differences is essential in building a deeper connection. In Gary Chapman's best-selling book, the Five Love Languages, he outlines the primary ways couples give and receive love. What feels like love to one person may not resonate the same way with another. What feels like love to one person may not resonate the same way with another. Understanding both your own and your spouse's love languages is a game changer, allowing you to express affection in a way that truly speaks to them.
Speaker 1:The five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. Words of affirmation are so vital. They have the power to uplift, build confidence and nurture the emotional connection. A wife once told her husband you never tell me you love me. He replied remember I told you I loved you on our wedding day? She nodded yes, I do. He then added well, if anything changes, I'll let you know. Yes, I do. He then added well, if anything changes, I'll let you know. This humorous exchange highlights a common misconception Love, like any important feeling, needs regular expression. Just because it was said once doesn't mean it doesn't need to be reaffirmed. Love grows through consistent reminders and words of affirmation keep that connection alive.
Speaker 1:If I had to prioritize the five love languages, I would say that quality time and physical touch are crucial for both spouses. However, from my observations, men tend to value acts of service more, while women often prioritize words of affirmation. Of course, these are just my personal insights based on my experiences. At the core, women generally need to feel loved and cherished, while this need isn't as pronounced for men. On the other hand, men crave respect, and that plays a central role in how they connect emotionally. Providing your spouse with a daily dose of attention, affection, appreciation and awareness can transform your relationship from good to great to awesome. What could be easier than remembering the four A's as a guiding principle in your daily interactions?
Speaker 1:Before we delve into these, it's essential to establish some fundamental rules of civility that every couple should uphold. Never mock each other. Always express gratitude to your spouse by saying please and thank you. These simple practices lay the groundwork for a respectful and loving partnership. Married couples should never belittle, mock or make jokes at each other's expense. This applies not only to one another, but also to in-laws and family members. Be mindful of the jokes you make If you feel the urge to poke fun, direct it at yourself instead. In the early stages of a relationship, gestures like opening the car door for your wife or surprising your husband with coffee are common. However, as time goes on, these acts of kindness can fade, leading to a shift from civility to disrespect.
Speaker 1:It's worth considering recording your conversations and listen to them later. You might be surprised how differently you communicate with your spouse compared to your friends and neighbors. Would you be rude or dismissive to your partner if it were your first date? If you would not do it on the first date, you should not do it on the 10,000th date.
Speaker 1:Attention why do so many people keep multiple web pages open while working online? Because it's about instant access. You should have the same mindset when it comes to your spouse. Make yourself available to them as easily as a web webpage so you can respond promptly to their needs. This way, they know you're always there for them.
Speaker 1:Have you ever found yourself half listening to your spouse while distracted by your phone, responding with uh-huh as you scroll? Consider how that makes them feel. Think about your own experiences. When you're speaking to someone who keeps glancing at their device is frustrating and dismissive. Your phone can create a barrier that diminishes the quality of attention you give to those around you. But your spouse is not just anyone. They deserve your full focus and should be the most important person in the room or out of the room To cultivate a deeper connection. Make it a habit to put your phone away as you get home. This simple act ensures you won't be tempted to answer a text or take a call, allowing you to engage fully with your spouse. This act will show them just how much they matter.
Speaker 1:Another effective way to maintain your focus on your spouse is to eliminate the television from your bedroom. Your bedroom should be a serene oasis for just the two of you, free from distractions that can divert your attention away from one another. Having a TV in the bedroom subtly conveys that there are more important activities than spending quality time together. By removing this distraction, you create an environment that encourages intimacy and connection. Our family dedicates one day each week to disconnect from technology and work, allowing us to connect with one another without distractions. He put away our phones and computers and put aside any job-related activities. This day has become our family's favorite, providing us with the opportunity to focus on each other. This practice aligns with the Jewish tradition of Shabbat, a day of rest that many believe contributes to the notably low divorce rates among observant Jews compared to the national average. There's a well-known saying that holds true Families that pray together stay together. This probably rings true for many religions. This is likely because religion is a shared meaningful purpose that transcends the physical, is a shared meaningful purpose that transcends the physical.
Speaker 1:If one spouse feels they are not getting enough attention, it's worth reflecting on whether this was an issue prior to your marriage. It's unlikely that you would have gotten married if there were signs of neglect back then. So what has changed? During the dating phase, the primary goal is to gain a deeper connection. This is what makes dating so exhilarating. Everything feels fresh and new. You are genuinely interested in getting to know each other, investing time and attention to explore your partner's world.
Speaker 1:Now that the initial excitement of the relationship has faded, how can you be attentive to your spouse's needs? The issue may stem from a lack of understanding about what your spouse needs from you. If you don't know what to give them, you may ignore them, and then it's easy to fall into the trap of neglect. Your fiancé mostly likely did not hand you a list of their emotional and physical needs before you tied the knot. Instead, you probably made assumptions about what those needs would be. Some couples just make the assumption that what they would like in a relationship is the same thing as what their spouse wants. This is a common mistake. Let's explore this concept further. Understanding your spouse's needs allows you to better navigate how to meet those needs. When you gain this insight, you equip yourself with the tools to strengthen your relationship.
Speaker 1:Attention the needs of a man. Men and women often have different needs when it comes to connection. For instance, when a man returns home from work or a long day, he may seek relaxation and quiet rather than engaging in conversation. This can lead to misunderstandings, as women typically crave more verbal interaction and emotional sharing. While men certainly need attention, it often manifests differently than it does for women. Recognizing these differences is essential for meeting each other's needs effectively. Some men may come home from and head straight for the refrigerator to grab a beer, then settle into the recliner to watch soccer highlights on ESPN. Others might greet their family member, but then retreat to the bedroom or bathroom for some alone time. These behaviors can be their way of unwinding, but it's important for partners to understand this need for downtime.
Speaker 1:My father had a routine. He cherished this need for downtime. My father had a routine he cherished. Every day, around 6 pm he came home from work, he would head to the garden and spend an hour watering, weeding and picking vegetables. After that, he'd settle in for a nap on the floor next to his bed, asking me or one of my siblings to wake him up when dinner was ready. He found joy in these solitary activities, preferring to recharge in his own way rather than engage in conversation after a long day out. Only after that would he engage with my mother.
Speaker 1:When it comes down to the needs of men, they are very simple. There are three things that they need in a healthy relationship Food, sex and respect. Everything else is really a bonus. Men respect even more than they desire attention, whereas women need attention much more than they desire respect. They both have a desire for respect and attention. It's just that, for men, respect from their life is what they need to feel. For women, love and attention from their husband is more important. Here's a powerful tip that can help husbands feel respected by their wives. If you take away only one concept from this book, let it be this one. It could truly be a game changer.
Speaker 1:When the husband arrives home from work, his wife should be in the middle of a phone conversation loud enough for him to overhear. She should then say Sarah, I'll have to call you back. My husband just walked in. She should then hang up the phone and promptly greet him with a Hi honey. This, she should then hang up the phone and promptly greet him with a Hi honey. This simple act can transform the atmosphere of the home and truly uplift the husband's spirits. When he walks in and hears his wife stopping what she enjoys doing just so she can recognize that her husband walks in makes him feel tremendously appreciated. This works better than if the wife goes running up to her husband, hugging and kissing him and telling him how much she misses and loves him which, by the way, rarely happens after a few years of marriage, if ever. Instead of carrying any negative feelings from a tough day, he instantly feels respected and cherished, making him feel like the king of the house. What's even better is if the wife just pretends to talk on the phone, even though it's a complete farce. As long as the husband feels respected, it will do wonders for his self-esteem If a husband tries his trick on his wife, it likely won't have the same effect on her as it does on him. However, women should definitely give it a try to experience the impact it has on them and to understand the importance of making men feel respected. I know it works because I love it when my wife does it and I know that many times when she does it she is just pretending I don't care. It shows me that she respects me and I love it.
Speaker 1:Attention the needs of a woman. If you've ever walked in the NBA playoffs, you may have noticed two women sitting together in prime seats, usually a few rows up from the floor at center court, some of the most expensive seats in the arena. When the camera pans over to them, what are they often doing? Talking, even if it's game seven of a tight series of the trip to the finals on the line. This always leaves me wondering why spend so much money on tickets just to chat through the game. When I go with a buddy, we might exchange only a few words, cheer, have a beer and some peanuts and still have an incredible time. It highlights a key difference Men generally don't need continuous emotional connection and shared experiences, while for many women, that connection is essential.
Speaker 1:Now that we understand that for a husband to feel respect is paramount, the next step is for him to give his wife the attention she craves. When a husband walks into the house for the first time after being apart from his wife for several hours, he needs to ask her these three questions what did you do today, what's on your mind and how are you feeling? I know this is hard for men. We just discussed how some men don't really want to talk when they get home. This is a challenge that we men must face and hopefully overcome Every day of our lives. For those who have a misguided perception that men and women are exactly the same and the exact needs, just imagine a wife asking her husband these questions and you will see that it seems ridiculous. You picked up this book because you're committed to reaching the highest phase of love, so it's up to you if you want to have the best chance of getting there. Many men would rather go mow the lawn and ask your wife these questions. Some would even rather have a colonoscopy. Trust me, I get it. It's a challenge I face myself and I don't ask these questions every day, just now and then If your wife knows that you occasionally ask these questions, or if she knows you even thought about asking these questions, it can bring a refreshing spark to your marriage.
Speaker 1:When you ask your wife these questions, you're bound to notice a shift in your marriage. If she responds to the third question with a correct fine, she's not fine. Take it as a cue that something is bothering her. Don't stop there. Dig deeper. Keep asking thoughtful questions to uncover the root of her feelings. Women often need their husbands to listen and provide support. Rather than just having all the answers For the first question. If you know she had a specific event that day, such as a doctor's appointment or a school meeting, reference it directly. This demonstrates that you've engaged with her life and attentive to her needs, which strengthens your emotional connection.
Speaker 1:Three aspects of connecting with your spouse. The first question what did you do today? Focuses on her daily activities, engages her physical side her hands, legs and body. Asking this question lets her know you care what her life is like when you aren't with her. The second question what's on your mind addresses her thoughts. This demonstrates your genuine interest and encourages her to share what's preoccupying her mind. It affirms that you value her opinions. The third question how are you feeling? Taps into her emotional needs. This is where she truly connects with you through her heart. By showing genuine interest in her feelings, you create a safe space for her to express herself.
Speaker 1:The husband must sit there and listen for at least 15 seconds. Joking aside, a man has to start somewhere. Even though it may be hard for a man to sit there and listen for too long, with practice he will start to stay focused for longer and longer periods. Eventually, with enough time, he will turn into a husband that his wife deeply loves and respects. The purpose behind a husband asking these questions lies in the ability to touch upon three aspects that strengthen your bond physical, intellectual and emotional. Women in particular flourish through emotional connections, which is cultivated through meaningful conversations. This explains why you might find women on the phone for hours. While men also talk on the phone, they tend to be much shorter conversations. For women, meaningful communication is a way to nurture emotional intimacy, which, in turn, fuels their desire for physical intimacy. All a man has to do is listen to his wife and he will get the passion he desires.
Speaker 1:The primary reason couples divorce is infidelity, a physical relationship outside the marriage. While infidelity can rise from various factors. It often stems from a lack of emotional connection. As a husband, it's the responsibility to maintain that emotional bond with their wife, and this is why asking those three questions is so crucial. By actively seeking to understand her feelings, daily experiences and thoughts, he can reinforce the emotional intimacy that forms the foundation of a strong and lasting relationship. The three forms of connection we've discussed can be remembered using the acronym PIE, which stands for Physical, intellectual and Emotional Connections. This makes it easy to recall because, let's be honest, who doesn't love PIE? Just as PIE is made up of different delicious layers, your relationship thrives on these three essential components. By nurturing each aspect, maintaining physical intimacy, engaging in thoughtful discussions and fostering emotional bonds, you create a well-rounded and satisfying partnership that can withstand the test of time. Emotional connection tends to hold greater significance for wives than for husbands, though both partners mean it to some agree to hold greater significance for wives than for husbands, though both partners mean it to some agree.
Speaker 1:In Talmudic law, which is studied in many places in the world today, the consequences for a married man's infidelity are less severe than those for a married woman, which may seem unjust considering the strides women have made towards equality. The reason behind this is rooted in the different motivations for infidelity. Men are often more likely to cheat due to opportunity rather than a search for emotional fulfillment. In contrast, when a woman strays, it is often driven by a desire for the emotional support that her husband may not be providing. This difference is why the consequences are viewed as more severe for women. They are more likely to be more emotionally invested in their affair than a man would be. While a husband may find it easier to detach emotionally from a brief encounter, a woman's infidelity often indicates a deeper emotional connection with the other person, making the repair of her marriage almost impossible. It's important to note that these are generalizations and each instance of infidelity has its own unique set of circumstances. This explains why many affairs often develop with office colleagues. When people spend long hours at work, they may inadvertently form emotional attachments to co-workers.
Speaker 1:Even seemingly innocent interactions, such as hugging someone of the opposite sex, can lead to complications. The more you hug someone, the more your feelings grow for them. Although many might not see this as an issue, it likely should be, as the casual acceptance of family hugs has, in some cases, led to the breakdown of marriages. This is because hugging triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone that fosters feelings of bonding and attachment. This can even occur with people who you might not even consider attractive. This is why one should place boundaries in professional relationships to protect one's marriage.
Speaker 1:While most people acknowledge that physical infidelity is harmful, emotional infidelity can be equally damaging. Forming an emotional bond with someone outside the marriage can undermine the trust and intimacy within the relationship, often setting the stage for potential adultery. Gary Newman, author of a book called Emotional Infidelity, says the attention we pay to anyone should be mainly to our spouse. Marriage is about relating to a member of the opposite sex with intimacy that is experienced with no other. When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does.
Speaker 1:Newman states that if you're married, it's best to avoid friendships with people of the opposite sex. He says if you find yourself quick to dismiss my recommendation because it's ridiculous, unrealistic or any other pejorative, ask yourself whether you're being defensive. Challenge yourself to pinpoint the reasons you find my advice so irritating. Could you be avoiding a deeper commitment to your spouse and looking for reasons to see connection elsewhere? He continues when you get a ping of excitement from an emotionally stimulating moment, that with someone of the opposite sex that's not your spouse, you're just chipping away at your marriage.
Speaker 1:It's dangerous to your marriage, and not just because it may lead to intimacy. It drains your marriage of the immense energy it needs to grow the energy to flirt with each other, to be emotionally stimulated by a different point of view, to share the excitement with someone who wants to know who you are. When you place your emotional energies elsewhere, without even realizing it, you don't offer your spouse the opportunity to provide you with that same peak of excitement you are looking for elsewhere. This is precisely why it's crucial for men to maintain an emotional connection with their wives. By asking these three questions, husbands create the intimacy that wives deeply crave, strengthening the bonds in their marriage. In real estate investing, the guiding principle for success is often summed up as location, location, location. Similarly, if you want to cultivate passion in your marriage, your slogan should be attention, attention, attention. This is Coach Ratner at the Coach Ratner Podcast. Thanks for listening.