The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
Sorry Honey, I Was Distracted by Donuts: Understanding Your Spouse's Needs-Sunscreen Love Audiobook
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Ever wondered why some marriages flourish while others falter? The answer might be simpler than you think. Discover the transformative power of four fundamental principles that can revolutionize your relationship.
Affection goes far beyond physical touch. When you speak affectionately to your spouse – keeping your voice gentle even during disagreements – you create a pattern that they naturally mirror back to you. Those subtle gestures, like a light touch while passing in the kitchen or leaning in slightly when standing together, often strengthen your bond more profoundly than grand romantic gestures. These small moments of connection, nearly invisible to others, build the foundation of intimacy that sustains relationships through challenges.
By intentionally practicing these Four A's – Affection, Appreciation, Awareness, and Attention – you create the conditions for a marriage neither partner would dream of leaving. These principles aren't complicated, but their consistent application transforms ordinary relationships into extraordinary ones. Ready to revolutionize your connection? Start with these four simple words and watch your relationship flourish in ways you never imagined possible. Subscribe now to continue learning practical strategies that strengthen your most important relationship.
Affection. Affection is not just a physical action. It encompasses the tone and manner in which you communicate with your spouse. When should you speak to your spouse affectionately? Always? How you talk to them affects how they react to you, just as children often mirror the behavior of their parents yelling if they are frequently yelled at, or speaking kindly if kindness is modeled. Finally, if kindness is modeled, your spouse will respond the way you address them. Talking to your spouse affectionately is one of the many ways you can get your marriage to the phase of never leaving.
Speaker 1:Affection is a fundamental human need and it should be expressed regularly in your relationship. It doesn't always have to manifest as hugging and kissing. It can be as simple as a gentle brush against your spouse as you walk by in the kitchen or leaning into them when you find yourselves standing close together in an elevator. These subtle gestures can be so discreet that those around you may not even notice. Yet they hold profound significance. In fact, these small everyday acts of affection can strengthen your bond even more than physical intimacy alone, which is of the utmost importance and must occur on a consistent basis. Be careful about being overly affectionate. Take clues from your spouse and watch their facial expressions and body language. If they appear annoyed, it's because they are annoyed. Many people find it easy to read social cues, but for others it can be a challenge. If you struggle with this, don't worry, it's a skill you can develop. Enhancing your ability to interpret nonverbal signals is a valuable aspect of practical intelligence that can lead to deeper emotional connections, which we'll discuss in phase four. Always communicate with your spouse in an affectionate manner. This means making a conscious effort to avoid raising your voice or resorting to yelling, even in challenging situations. While it may take some practice, the benefits are twofold. Not only will it strengthen your marriage, but it will also cultivate a sense of calm within you Appreciation.
Speaker 1:Women thrive on appreciation, and while men may not need it as much, they certainly value it too. If your husband sets the table for dinner, take a moment to express your gratitude. If you don't like the way he does it, don't criticize him. Let him do it the way he wants. Then, when he leaves, the room, fits the table the way you like it. If he goes shopping for the family or lends a hand with any task, make it a point to acknowledge his efforts and reinforce his role as an integral part of your family, even if he does very little chores in your house. Find any small way to show appreciation for him. It's possible that he doesn't contribute more simply because he hasn't received positive feedback in the past. People often rise to the expectations set for them. When you label someone negatively, like calling them lazy, they may internalize that label, making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. The power of suggestion is incredibly potent. By offering your husband genuine appreciation, you can shift his mindset and potentially inspire him to engage more actively in helping around the house. Your acknowledgement could be the catalyst for positive change in a relationship.
Speaker 1:For men, it's essential to express gratitude when your wife cooks dinner, regardless of the outcome, even if the meat turns out burnt. Find something positive to highlight, perhaps the flavor of the seasoning or the effort she put into the meal. A simple acknowledgement of her effort can make a world of difference and encourage her to continue putting her heart into the meal she prepares for you. Remember, appreciation is a vital part of nurturing your relationship. Men need to pay attention and compliment their wife's appearance.
Speaker 1:Women care a great deal about what they wear, everything from the scarf from their head down to the shoes on their feet. Every piece is an important part of their ensemble. Have you ever heard your wife say she has nothing to wear? Forget the fact that she has 10 times the closet space as you. It's completely filled with shoes and clothes. If you're bothered by how much money your wife spends on clothes, occasionally compliment her on what she's wearing. If you don't, she may keep on buying clothes until you recognize how good she looks. Whenever your wife buys a new pair of shoes, a dress or a scarf and asks for your opinion, always respond by telling her she looks beautiful. Consistently, showing your spouse appreciation is essential, regardless of how she appears on any given day. For extra points, refer to an outfit she previously wore to a special event and express how much you loved it. Honey, do you remember that stunning red dress you wore to my nephew's wedding? I'd love to see you wear that again. This not only shows that you notice her, but also reignites her passion for you. Nothing brings a woman more joy than knowing that her husband remembers and cherishes what she wore months ago.
Speaker 1:Awareness when I wrote my first marriage book, it didn't initially include the idea of awareness. It was my wife who encouraged me to add it, pointing out that I sometimes failed to notice where she was, even in simple situations. For instance, while I would walk down the street as a family, I'd get caught up in conversation with one of our children and lose track of her. This lack of awareness extended beyond that moment, but it highlighted an important lesson Always be aware of where your spouse is at any given time. By doing so, you reinforce the feeling that they are always on your mind.
Speaker 1:Being aware of each other's needs is crucial in a marriage. For instance, my wife occasionally texts me when she's running low on something and I make a point to get it for her. I know she appreciates this little gesture. Similarly, I feel a genuine sense of happiness when she picks up on my casual complaints, like my shortage of socks, and surprises me with a new bag of socks from Amazon. It's these thoughtful actions that show we're truly listening to one another and willing to go the extra mile to meet each other's needs, fostering a deeper connection between us. There is an issue in marriages that seems to be overlooked and can be a major issue. I understand that men need to do a better job of listening, but women should also have the awareness that men have a limited capacity for listening, since listening is such an important part of a healthy marriage, it should be something that people work on early on, even as early as the crushed phase. Case study During a visit to Chicago, a middle-aged woman approached me after one of my classes, seeking advice.
Speaker 1:She shared that her husband sometimes walks out of the room while she's in the middle of talking to him. I told her I could relate, because I've done something similar myself. I recall the time when I came home from work and my wife was telling me about her day. In the middle of her story, I suddenly remembered that there were chocolate glazed donuts in the kitchen. Without thinking, I walked away to grab one. My wife called me out, asking if I had just walked down to her and made conversation. I apologized and explained what had happened, but it was clear that I hurt her feelings.
Speaker 1:I shared this story with the woman and suggested that her husband might need to work on being more present while listening. At the same time, I advised her to consider her husband's listening capacity. It's not unlimited. A helpful approach might be to communicate in bullet points, making it easier for him to stay engaged in the conversation. While men should work on becoming better listeners, women can benefit from understanding that men only have limited listening bandwidth. Recognizing this dynamic can foster more positive and effective communication in the marriage. Focus on the four A's attention, affection, appreciation and awareness. Keep these words at the forefront of your mind the more you remind yourself to embody these. Thanks for listening to the CoachWriter Podcast.