The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
When Pain Outweighs Pleasure: The Reality of Divorce
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Why does divorce feel like a death? Because in many ways, it is—the death of a relationship, of shared dreams, and of a once-cherished connection. But discussing divorce shouldn't be taboo, especially when understanding its warning signs could help save marriages before they reach the breaking point.
Marriage researcher John Gottman can predict divorce with 94% accuracy by looking for one critical emotion: contempt. When eye-rolling, dismissiveness, and disrespect infiltrate a relationship, they erode the foundation of love like swimming without sunscreen—the damage accumulates until the relationship is burnt beyond repair. In our throwaway society, marriage has become increasingly viewed as disposable, making it easier to walk away than to stay and fight.
The decision to divorce often comes down to a simple but profound equation: when the pain of remaining married significantly outweighs the pleasure, the relationship becomes unsustainable. Like Olympic athletes who endure tremendous physical discomfort for future glory, or children playing basketball in scorching heat without complaint, the presence of purpose and pleasure transforms what would otherwise be unbearable pain into a meaningful journey. Marriage requires this same perspective—a clear vision of the love and connection that makes the difficult work worthwhile.
Before considering the "amputation" of divorce, ask yourself: Have you truly exhausted all possibilities for healing? Would you fight harder to save a limb than you're fighting to save your marriage? By viewing your spouse as an extension of yourself rather than a separate entity, you increase your capacity to endure the challenges that inevitably arise in every relationship. The key to avoiding divorce lies not in avoiding pain altogether, but in keeping your focus firmly on the pleasure, the love that brought you together in the first place.
Strengthen your relationship today by embracing the tools that can help you navigate challenges before they become insurmountable. Subscribe to the Coach Ratner Podcast for more insights on building and maintaining healthy, lasting love.
When divorce is necessary. Although marriage can be hard, if you don't have the proper tools, I've been told that divorce will even be worse. Divorce is often compared to death. This is why not discussing divorce in a book about love will be just sweeping it under the proverbial rug. The idea that if we don't talk about it then it doesn't exist is not something that will instill clarity in your life. One of the reasons I decided to write this book is that I discovered that it's hard to sell or even give away a book on marriage. Those in a thriving marriage feel they have no need to read a book about something that they don't need help with. For those that are struggling with their marriage, the prospect of reading solutions may be too painful. Everyone wants to be in love, and if you have a clear understanding of what love is, you'll have a better shot at a great marriage. This is why I decided to combine love, dating and marriage into one book. The risk of divorce begins the moment you say I do. This reality should inspire you to seek knowledge about how to be in a healthy relationship before challenges arise. Many divorces could have been prevented if couples had embraced even a few of the concepts discussed in this book early in their marriage.
Speaker 1:John Gottman, a prominent marriage researcher, asserts that he can predict divorce with an impressive 94% accuracy. In his lab, he observes married couples' vital signs, while identifying a flashpoint that triggers disagreement. What he specifically looks for is a damaging emotion known as contempt. This occurs when one spouse not only disagrees but also disrespects the other's viewpoint, manifesting as eye-rolling or dismissive thoughts that label differing opinions as foolish. Contempt can be especially potent in marriage, where the emotional investment amplifies the reactions. Unlike differences with acquaintances which may be shrugged off, contempt erodes the foundation of love and respect essential for a healthy relationship. It's akin to swimming in the ocean without applying sunscreen. Over time, the damage accumulates until the relationship is burnt.
Speaker 1:In today's throwaway society, marriage has become increasingly viewed as disposable. Divorce is so common that it rarely raises eyebrows. In fact, in some American communities it's almost expected. This casual approach to relationships can lead to a lack of commitment and a diminished appreciation for the effort required to sustain a marriage. As a result, many couples may overlook the importance of nurturing their bond. In my view, couples often divorce when the pain of being married outweighs the pleasure. While pain can be a natural part of any relationship, one must have a vision of the future pleasure that can result from the work that it will take to improve a marriage. If couples see little hope ahead, it becomes increasingly difficult to navigate the challenges. However, when you can shift your focus to the pleasure of your relationship, it becomes much easier to manage the discomfort that arises.
Speaker 1:Is there a significant amount of pain involved in being an Olympic athlete? Absolutely. These athletes dedicate their entire lives to reaching the pinnacle of their sport, sacrificing sleep, education and leisure time along the way. They endure this pain because they have a clear vision of the incredible rewards that await them as a result of their hard work. The promise of achieving their dreams and the joy of competing at the highest level makes all the sacrifices worthwhile.
Speaker 1:Picture a group of boys playing basketball under the scorching summer sun. They can play for hours on end, fueled by the joy of the game. However, remove the ball and ask them to continue and they wouldn't last five minutes. The reason is simple they can endure the physical strain because they are immersed in a pleasure of playing Without the ball, even though they're engaged in the same activity of running up and down the court. The enjoyment evaporates Suddenly. What was once fun because a painful chore highlighting how pleasure can transform to pain in a split second.
Speaker 1:So how do you know when it's time to consider divorce? It often comes down to recognizing when the pain has become overwhelming, despite your best efforts to repair the relationship. If you've exhausted all avenues for reconciliation and the emotional toll becomes unbearable, it may be a sign that it's time to reevaluate your situation. Imagine you're in a serious car accident and severely injured your leg. The doctor informs you there's a 50-50 chance of saving it, but it will require multiple painful surgeries and years of therapy. However, he can amputate your leg to spare you from that lengthy ordeal. What would you choose? Many would choose to go through the pain in hopes of saving their leg. This analogy mirrors what it takes to save a marriage.
Speaker 1:Just as it can be painful to repair a leg, mending a relationship often involves navigating a difficult emotional journey. If you're willing to endure significant pain to preserve something as vital as a limb, you should also be prepared to confront even greater pain to save your marriage. You will only consider amputation when the pain in your leg becomes unbearable, signaling that the situation is no longer sustainable. Similarly, in a marriage, it's only when the emotional pain is so unbearable that you know it's time to get a divorce.
Speaker 1:Divorce is so common today because many individuals aren't willing to endure the pain necessary to save their marriage. Viewing marriage as a union of two souls can shift this perspective. If you see your spouse as part of you, you're more likely to invest the effort to save your relationship, just as you would fight to preserve your own leg. Every marriage will inevitably face challenges and pain at some point. To avoid divorce, it's crucial to keep your focus on the pleasure, the love that initially brought you together. This can provide the motivation to help you work through the difficult times. This is Coach Ratner at the Coach Ratner Podcast.