The Coach Ratner Podcast

Big Forks, Sharp Knives, and the Secret to Marriage That Lasts Forever

• By Coach Daniel Ratner

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Discovering the "Never Leaving" phase of love could revolutionize your marriage. This summit of relational achievement is what separates the 25% of truly happy marriages from those that merely endure.

Unlike climbing Mount Everest with its 14% fatality rate, the journey to a marriage where both partners can honestly say "I am never leaving" isn't about physical endurance—it's about emotional intelligence and consistent small choices. The pathway begins with a deceptively simple principle: "What's important to you is important to me." This mindset transforms ordinary interactions into powerful expressions of love.

Through revealing personal stories about kitchen knives, fork preferences, and weekly flower purchases, Coach Ratner illustrates how seemingly trivial matters become meaningful touchpoints for connection. When you leave the sharp knives on the counter instead of in the sink because your spouse asked you to, you communicate something far more significant than kitchen safety—you're saying: "I see you. I remember what matters to you. I'm thinking about you."

The genuine challenge lies not in the actions themselves but in confronting our egos, which whisper that our perspective should prevail. Overcoming this hurdle requires recognizing that marriage isn't about "me"—it's about "we." Every time you honor your partner's preferences, especially when they hold no personal importance to you, you strengthen the emotional foundation of your relationship far more effectively than any grand gesture could.

Ready to upgrade your marriage operating system to the "Never Leaving" phase? Listen now, then share with someone whose relationship could benefit from this perspective-shifting insight. What small preference of your partner's could you honor today to show them they're truly seen?

Speaker 1:

Phase 4, never leaving. We're now in the final stage of the four phases of love, a phase that is challenging for many people to implement, which is why many couples may never reach it. Think of this phase like a critical upgrade for your marriage, similar to updating the operating system on your computer to improve performance. This phase is to marriage what reaching the summit is to Mount Everest. Just as climbing Everest requires months of preparation, money and time, achieving this phase requires patience and emotional effort. Thankfully, unlike the 14% death rate of Everest climbers, what's at stake here is overcoming the 75% possibly much more risk of enduring an unhappy marriage. This is the phase I hope every reader reaches the point where you can honestly say about your marriage I am never leaving. What's important to you is important to me. One way to ensure you reach the point of never leaving relationship is by understanding and prioritizing your spouse's needs. This doesn't mean you need to fully understand the why behind each need. It simply means recognizing that if it matters to them, it needs to matter to you, even if it seems unimportant or confusing. This mindset is a crucial foundation for lasting intimacy. Often, it's the little gestures, the seemingly trivial acts, repeated consistently, that make the biggest impact on a relationship. These small daily acts of giving yourself to your spouse foster an enduring bond far more than any vacation, luxury car or dream home could ever, ever could.

Speaker 1:

Early in my marriage, I would take my wife to modern dance performances, even though I am not a big fan. Similarly, she would come with me to the symphony, though the music didn't resonate with her the way it does with me, and she often fell asleep. Yet we both happily went for each other's interests because they mattered to us. As a couple, we recognize that part of building a strong marriage is doing things for each other that we might not do on our own. Most couples understand and agree with this principle. Here's where things get interesting. We have an unwritten rule in our home I handle all the cooking and my wife takes care of cleaning up afterward, ideally with some help from the kids. As a bit of a need freak, I like to keep things tidy as I cook, making sure everything I use ends up in the sink so the counters stay clean, even the sharp kitchen knives. She asked me a few times very kindly, if I could leave sharp knives on the kitchen counter instead of placing them on the sink, as she was concerned about accidentally cutting herself. Her request made perfect sense. It was a simple step to avoid potential injury. On the other hand, I wanted to ensure the countertop was spotless, which to me meant nothing should be left on it. In my view, if a dirty knife is on the countertop, that countertop wasn't clean. So, despite her reasonable request, I found it difficult to comply. It conflicted with my compulsive need for a spotless kitchen. Deciding where knives should go might seem like a minor issue in a marriage, and most relationships could easily withstand such a small disagreement, but if you're reading this book, it's because you're aiming for more than just an average marriage. We'll return to this point shortly.

Speaker 1:

Another small but reoccurring matter was the size of the fork. I would bring my wife at mealtime. When I set the table, I'd grab a handful of small forks from the utensil drawer. Since we had young children, I'd also give my wife a small fork along with the rest of us. She would politely ask for a large one instead and without hesitation I'd exchange it for her. Eventually, I'd exchange it for her.

Speaker 1:

Eventually, I realized that my wife truly preferred using a large fork. At first I didn't give much thought to her preference. Fork size didn't matter to me, so I assumed it didn't matter to her either. This was my ego getting in the way of what she had clearly expressed. She wanted, after repeatedly handling her, a small fork, only to go back and swap it for a large one at request. It finally sank in that I should just grab her a small fork, only to go back and swap it for a large one at request. It finally sank in that I should just grab her a large fork to begin with.

Speaker 1:

Seriously, I'll eat with any fork. The size of the fork does not make a difference to me. I'll even eat with a spoon if there is no fork around. Just give me some chopsticks, salad tongs or even a toothpick. I'll use whatever instrument is available to get food into my mouth as efficiently as possible. What does the size of a dinner fork and where I put dirty knives matter? The point I want to make is that it doesn't matter what I think. If I want my marriage to get to the point of never leaving, I must care about what my wife thinks. Marriage is not about me. Marriage is about we. I must learn to view things from her perspective, recognizing that what may seem trivial to me could hold a significant meaning for her.

Speaker 1:

After a lot of introspection, I realized that the small fork issue was more significant than I initially thought. I finally made the conscious effort to stop bringing my wife the small fork and to stop leaving the sharp knives in the sink. Was this change difficult? In some ways, yes, and in others, no. Training myself to avoid putting the knives in the sink and to offer the larger fork was pretty easy. The real difficulty lay in understanding why I needed to adjust my behavior and recognizing that these seemingly trivial matters weren't so trivial. It didn't happen overnight. Change takes time for me, and I had to teach my ego that I'm not the only one in this relationship. With practice, I eventually stopped putting the sharp knives in the sink and I learned to always offer my wife a large fork when I bring her dinner. The hardest part for me was overcoming my ego, which had kept me from responding to her needs.

Speaker 1:

Embracing the idea that what's important to you is important to me means recognizing that there will be moments when something makes no sense to you, but that doesn't matter. The key to it is to understand that you're not just living with your own perspective. You're sharing life with someone else, and their viewpoint is just as valid and important as yours. From my wife and me, the same concept applies to flowers. Why would anyone spend perfectly good money on a dying plant? Because that's what flowers are. Once you pick them, they start the dying process. I understand flowers are pretty and they brighten up a room. The most important factor is that my wife truly loves them. So I trek every week to the florist and spend $20 for flowers for our Shabbos table and $50 if it's a holiday. I may not personally care much for flowers, but I've learned that if it's something important to her, it must also be important to me. Here's the deeper reason behind our discussion of forks, knives and flowers, and why it should resonate with you.

Speaker 1:

Every time I leave the kitchen with a large fork, my wife knows that I'm thinking of her. When I clean the kitchen and leave a knife neatly beside the sink instead of in it, she knows I'm thinking about her. Each time I bring home flowers, she knows I'm thinking about her. But what is even more important is that she knows I am doing something that means absolutely nothing to me. This reinforces her love and strengthens our emotional connection. She knows I'm going out of my way to do what makes her happy, because she knows that what is important to her is important to me.

Speaker 1:

Some men appreciate it when they know their wife is thinking about them, but even more women would cherish the same thing from their husbands. It's not only the grand gestures in life that your spouse cares about. It's the small, everyday actions that demonstrate that you care, especially when it is for them. This is a very important concept to understand and embody in order to have a marriage full of bliss. If you don't agree with me, you definitely need to read the next chapter, or you can forget the large fork, order sushi and just eat with your fingers. This is Coach Radner at the Coach Radner Podcast.