The Coach Ratner Podcast
Coach Ratner is not a matchmaker, but a MateMaker. With 7 books under his belt, Coach Ratner is an accomplished author and sought-after speaker on topics such as relationships, self-esteem and spirituality. His unique insights and captivating speaking style have helped countless individuals achieve their goals and transform their lives.
The Coach Ratner Podcast
The Art of Being Wrong to Be Right: Sunscreen Love Audiobook
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Marriage is full of contradictions, but perhaps none more powerful than this: Sometimes you have to be wrong to be right. In a world obsessed with winning arguments and proving points, the most successful couples understand that peace trumps pride every time.
This episode takes a deep dive into the psychology behind "happy wife, happy life" - not as a tired cliché, but as a profound relationship strategy that leads to mutual fulfillment. We explore why so many decisions in a marriage hinge on mutual agreement and what happens when ego gets in the way of harmony. From the transformative power of the 24-hour rule (wait before arguing) to embracing what I call the "marriage tax" (accepting that different spending priorities aren't worth fighting over), you'll discover practical approaches that have sustained countless marriages through difficult times.
One particularly fascinating segment examines how political differences - especially during polarizing periods like presidential elections - can either destroy relationships or strengthen them, depending on how couples navigate these sensitive topics. We'll discuss research showing how the "Trump Effect" became a leading cause of divorce and provide strategies for preventing politics from undermining your connection.
At the heart of every great marriage lies thoughtful communication. The THINK method (True, Helpful, Important, Necessary, Kind) provides a powerful framework for ensuring your words build up rather than tear down. You'll learn why consistency in small promises builds trust faster than grand gestures and how developing "practical intelligence" can help you know exactly what to say, when to say it, and sometimes, when to stay silent.
Ready to transform your relationship and move toward what I call the "never leaving phase"? Listen now and discover how thinking before speaking will keep you from sleeping in the doghouse and bring you closer to the marriage you've always wanted. Leave a comment, like, share, or save if this resonates with you!
Sometimes you have to be wrong to be right. There's a well-known saying that goes if your wife is happy, you're likely to be happy. While death and taxes are often seen as life's two certainties, the phrase happy wife, happy life might just be the third. Unlike death and taxes, which are beyond our control, your wife's happiness is something you can actively influence, so why not focus on nurturing that happiness? It's the one certain deed you have the power to impact, and doing so could lead to more fulfilling life for both of you. You might wonder why your wife's happiness is so crucial to a man's happiness. The reality is that many decisions in a marriage hinge on her agreement. For instance, if you're considering moving to a new neighborhood but your wife isn't on board, chances are you won't be moving. Similarly, when it comes to choosing the children's school, it's often the wife who takes the lead in making the decision. Even when planning a vacation, if the husband and wife have different destinations in mind, she's likely to get her way unless he negotiates. This isn't just about compromise. It's rooted in the understanding that your vacation will be far more enjoyable if she's happy with the decision. I understand that some men may disagree with this perspective. If that's the case, I encourage you to take a moment for self-reflection. Consider why you might struggle to accommodate your wife's desires. Is it your ego getting in the way, or is there another underlying issue at play? It's crucial to recognize that if your motivation for winning an argument is simply about being right, your ego may not be your amigo. Such attitudes can have a detrimental impact on your marriage. Instead of allowing pride to obstruct your path, focus on fostering a collaborative relationship that benefits both partners. I have a personal mantra that I repeat to myself during disagreements with my wife, and, while it may seem counterintuitive, it can significantly impact your journey towards reaching the phase of never leaving. The mantra is sometimes you have to be wrong to be right. This means that even when you're convinced you're right, it can be beneficial to set aside your pride and admit you are wrong. Embracing this mindset isn't always easy, but it can truly transform the dynamics of a marriage.
Speaker 1:Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with your spouse convinced you were right? You might argue for hours and eventually they might concede and admit you were correct. But the real question is did you truly win? While you may have won that battle, you may have lost the war, it's essential to recognize that the need to win often isn't worth the emotional toll it takes on your marriage. Instead of clinging to your victory, consider letting go of that urge.
Speaker 1:Disagreements don't have to escalate into conflicts. Sometimes the best approach is to yield, even if you believe you're in the right. Admitting you are wrong and even occasionally, can foster a sense of understanding that you're better off happy than right. The 24-hour rule the 24-hour rule states suggests that you hold off on arguing, complaining, disagreeing, yelling or fighting with your spouse for at least 24 hours after sensing a potential conflict. I know what you're thinking. If you wait 24 hours, you might forget what the issue was Exactly. That's the idea. Most marital arguments are minor and, with a little time, reveal themselves to be unworthy of serious conflict. What may seem significant in the heat of the moment often fades when you take a step back. Keeping this perspective helps you stay focused on what truly matters your relationship as a whole.
Speaker 1:Finances are a frequent challenge for married couples. While money is often cited as a second leading cause of divorce, it might actually be the top reason couples argue. One way to prevent money from becoming a recurring source of conflict is to accept the idea of a marriage tax. This means understanding that a portion of your income will go toward purchases your spouse makes that you may not personally value. If you believe something is a waste of money, chances are your spouse may feel differently, and that's where disagreements can start. This challenge is a natural part of any marriage and is not exclusive to those with limited finances. Even wealthy couples can find themselves at odds over spending.
Speaker 1:One area where I often notice unnecessary spending is on soaps, shampoos, conditioners, dish soap, hand soap and so on. While I check my kids' showers, there are often a dozen half-used bottles of shampoo, conditioner and body wash Under the kitchen sink. It's filled with multiple hand soaps and specialized kitchen soaps. How many different kinds of soap does anyone actually need? Will using tea tree oil soap really make you smell better? Isn't tea tree oil just a fancy term for tree sap? If we're telling kids to shower after climbing trees, why would we then ask them to wash with a soap that's derived from those same trees? They might as well scrub down with the sap while they're up there.
Speaker 1:Soaps now have so many ingredients that entire stores are dedicated to selling just soap. Who would have imagined that? From beeswax and palm oil to cocoa and shea butter. Companies are constantly adding new elements to appeal to buyers. When I travel, I just grab any soap I use for both my hair and body Simple and effective. At this rate, though, it wouldn't surprise me if marketers started targeting specific body parts with their products. Soon enough we'll be seeing foot conditioner and varieties of exfoliant cream for the earlobe.
Speaker 1:I think fancy soaps are a waste of money, but my wife disagrees. So I tell myself that my tax bracket is just a little higher now, even if only in my head, and that extra money goes towards buying organic soap berries picked by free-range monkeys. While I'm not thrilled about the cost of overpriced soaps, I choose to see it as a small tax for a happy wife and marriage. Plus, I'm doing my part to keep monkeys gainfully employed. Understand that not every dollar you earn will be spent wisely. When money becomes a source of tension, consider it just another tax. This shift in perspective can save you a lot of frustration and help maintain harmony in your relationship If you are married.
Speaker 1:Consider the last argument you had with your spouse. Can you remember what it was about, even if it was just a month ago? Many people struggle to recall such disputes, and for good reason. They often stem from trivial issues that fade from memory. When you think back, it's likely that the arguments were not significant enough to warrant long-term remembrance. Interestingly, if you had a similar disagreement with a friend, you probably wouldn't feel as upset. Why? Because the emotional connection you have shared with your spouse is deeper, amplifying the weight of any conflict. Connection you have shared with your spouse is deeper, amplifying the weight of any conflict. As I reflect on my own experiences for this book, I find it challenging to pinpoint specific arguments I've had with my wife. It's not that we haven't disagreed, it's just that those conflicts were likely so inconsequential that they'd be embarrassing to even mention now. If you can recall a specific argument you've had with your spouse, it may indicate that you're holding onto a grudge. This can be detrimental to your mental well-being, as resentment can weigh heavily on you over time. The longer you keep those negative feelings bottled up, the more they can fester, leading to greater emotional pain and distance in your relationship.
Speaker 1:Letting go of grudges is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. Imagine a high school professor who extends his arm straight out holding up a glass of water and asks his students to guess its weight. Some estimate it at 6 ounces, while others guess 10. The teacher then explains that the actual weight is irrelevant. What truly matters is how long you hold the glass with your arm extended. If you support it for just a minute, it feels almost weightless. However, after an hour it starts to strain your arm and by the end of the day your arm may be in severe pain. The weight itself hasn't changed. It's the prolonged effort of holding onto it that has intensified the pain. Life operates in much the same way. When we cling to grudges and refuse to let go, the emotional burden can become unbearably heavy. Don't allow resentment to sabotage your marriage or cloud your happiness. Letting go is a vital step toward a thriving relationship.
Speaker 1:Emotional arguments by their very nature are often unproductive. When one or both spouses are caught up in their feelings, meaningful communication becomes nearly impossible. I learned this valuable lesson while raising my children. Can children become emotional Absolutely? The challenge arises. When they're in that heightened emotional state, it's simply not possible to reason with them. Instead, it's best to wait until they've calmed down, allowing some rationality to return. If they happen to be teenagers, then you may have to wait a few days, or maybe even years. Some psychologists have described teenagers as having symptoms similar to brain damage until they reach their early 20s. If you've ever lived through that time period, you can attest to what scientists are talking about.
Speaker 1:When raising children, you don't have to win every battle. You must pick which ones are worth fighting over With your spouse. You don't need to win any battles. It is important that you are able to discuss issues as calm, rational people, and that means taking emotion out of the equation. And once you wait 24 hours and have calmed down, you'll see that what you were fighting about is probably meaningless.
Speaker 1:There are issues in a marriage where you may never agree with your spouse. This does not need to get in the way of an amazing marriage. This manifested itself recently when President Donald Trump was on his first term of office. I know of a marriage where this became such an emotional issue that it ended up in divorce. Don't let politics trump your marriage.
Speaker 1:Did Donald Trump's first presidency really cause numerous divorces? More likely, it serves as a trigger that intensified issues already present in strained relationships. A study by Wakefield Research titled the Trump Effect on American Relationships found that 29% of Americans in relationships or marriages acknowledge experiencing tension with their spouse due to the political climate under President Trump in his first term. Additionally, 22% reported knowing a couple whose marriage or relationship was negatively affected during his time in office. A report from the Michigan Institute for Fighting Family Education revealed that during Donald Trump's presidency, political conflicts became the leading factor in divorces among American couples. His tenure also sparked more family discord than any recent economic or social factor, leading to a notable rise in heated arguments, family disownments and even relatives being removed from wills. Dr Philip Rangel, who led the study, observed nobody is neutral about Donald Trump.
Speaker 1:If couples aren't aligned on their views on him, it often spells trouble. Divorce by Trump, as we now call it, has become so widespread that it surpasses the big three factors financial stress, religious differences and infidelity as a leading cause of breakups. Case study An acquaintance told me about the strain in his relationship with his wife during President Trump's first term. He was a Republican and she worked for an organization aligned with the Democratic Party. The marriage could have survived, but his wife was highly anti-Trump. During the family gatherings, such as Thanksgiving, she would talk incessantly about how much she hated him. This caused contempt in the marriage and it ended up in divorce.
Speaker 1:How can couples navigate such deep political divides in a relationship. If one spouse is an ardent supporter and the other is vehemently opposed, the best strategy is often to make the topic off-limits. If a spouse feels compelled to constantly voice their opinion, it's essential to have a candid discussion about the impact this can have on your relationship. Explain that continually bringing up polarizing views strains your bond and could even harm your marriage. Agreeing to disagree with a mutual understanding to keep politics out of your personal space can help preserve the marriage. Is this the best approach? When it comes to our loved ones, we should prioritize actions that bring us closer together. If this means making certain topics off limits at home, then it's a necessary step to protect the relationship. This same principle applies in marriage. Communicating with your spouse when emotions are high is like trading stocks based when you're emotional, you're likely to lose. But here it's not money at stake, it's the depth of your relationship. If you wait 24 hours before bringing up a disagreement, you're more likely to approach it calmly and see if the issue wasn't as significant as it first seemed. But when it comes to elections, it's sometimes better to make it an off-topic subject and just agree to disagree, so you don't let politics trump your marriage.
Speaker 1:The most valuable advice I can give anyone in a committed relationship is to think before you speak. This has been instrumental in my 23 plus years of marriage, with minimal conflict. When I do slip up, I have enough goodwill built up that my wife likes to go without staying upset. But when you're dating, one careless comment can end a relationship, potentially costing you an amazing lifelong partner. So remember thoughtful words can make all the difference. Once words are spoken, they're out there. You can't take them back, even with an apology. Those words can linger and your spouse may always remember that they came from you. A solid rule of thumb in relationships and in life is if it isn't positive or constructive, don't say it.
Speaker 1:There's a parable about a student who constantly speaks poorly of others. The teacher instructs the student to take a pillow to the roof, rip it open and scatter the feathers into the wind. The next day the student returns and says he completed the task. The teacher then tells him to go collect every feather. The student, surprised, replies that it's impossible. They've scattered across the city. The teacher explains that is exactly what happened once we speak negatively about others.
Speaker 1:Once released, those words spread far and wide, beyond our control and the damage can be irreparable. Have you ever seen a courtroom scene where an attorney asks a damaging or incriminating question and the judge quickly says strike that from the record. The judge is instructing the jury to disregard the statement. But once the words are spoken, they linger in memory. A skilled attorney knows this well and may even anticipate the judge's objection. But by putting those words out there, the attorney plants a seed in the juror's minds that can't easily be erased, often with the aim of influencing the case in his favor.
Speaker 1:The same principle applies in dating and marriage. Even if you spoke in a moment of emotion, even if you apologized and explained that the hurtful things you said were in anger, those words linger in your spouse's memory. So be mindful what you say and always think before you speak. It's usually best to stay quiet when you're feeling emotional. Acting or speaking in an emotional state really leads to positive outcomes. The words hate and divorce should not be part of your vernacular. You probably grew up hearing. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This couldn't be further from the truth. Words do hurt, especially in close relationships. When a neighborhood kid said something mean, it was easy to shrug off because there was no deep emotional connection. But when a spouse says something hurtful, it can linger for years due to that strong bond. So when should you think before you speak? Every single time? Here's a simple acronym to help you pause and think before speaking, especially when emotions are high. This practice can prevent hurtful words and lead to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. The acronym is THINK. T stands for true.
Speaker 1:One of the strongest ways to build trust in your relationship is by ensuring that what you say is truthful and that your actions align with your words. Always aim for honesty with your spouse. But this goes beyond simply telling the truth. It means being reliable. If you say you'll do something, follow through. This includes even the small things, like a husband saying he'll take the trash out at night. When he doesn't follow through, it may seem minor, but each unfulfilled promise plants small seeds of doubt in his spouse's minds. Once or twice might not matter, but if it suddenly becomes a pattern, these little disappointments can erode trust. Over time, the husband might think it's no big deal to take the trash out in the morning, before the trash collectors arrive, instead of at night, as promised To him. The end result is the same the chore gets done. But that's not the real issue. If you say you'll do something at a certain time and don't do it, then don't it subtly chips away at trust, regardless of the importance.
Speaker 1:Some readers may disagree with this level of commitment to one's word, but this kind of consistency is what builds the strong foundation needed for a marriage to reach the fourth phase of never leaving. It's like pulling a single thread from a sweater. One thread might not make a difference, but if you keep removing them one by one, eventually it won't be a sweater anymore. Similarly, if the words you speak gradually erode your spouse's trust, your marriage can slowly come apart, ending up like that unraveled sweater, a tangled pile with nothing to hold it together. This is the opposite of what you want in a relationship. You want both you to trust every word in action, building a connection so strong that you reach the point of never leaving.
Speaker 1:H stands for helpful. If your words aren't improving the situation, they're better off left unsaid In a disagreement with your spouse. The goal should be to speak in ways that promote peace. Prioritizing peace in your home should be this mantra you live by. It's essential for a strong marriage. I stands for important. Ask yourself if what you're saying truly matters in this moment, or if you are speaking just to be heard or to feel like you won the argument. If that's not genuinely important, it may be better left unsaid. N stands for necessary. Speak only what's essential to foster peace in the relationship. Early in my marriage, I often thought certain things were necessary to say, only to realize that I hadn't fully considered my spouse's perspective. Focus on what's truly needed to support harmony and understanding between you and your spouse. K stands for kind. Whatever you say to your spouse should come from a place of kindness. This is one of the cornerstones of a strong and fulfilling marriage. Kind words build up while harsh ones tear down. In our home, our guiding mantra is compliment, don't criticize. A foundation of supportive communication will lead to a happier marriage.
Speaker 1:There's a valuable skill that can help you communicate with your spouse in a way that minimizes conflict. Psychologist Robert Sternberg calls it practical intelligence, one of the three types of intelligence he identifies, the other two being analytical and creative. While analytical and creative intelligence are largely innate, practical intelligence is a skill you can develop. It's about knowing when and how to say things, understanding the nuances of situations and responding thoughtfully. This type of intelligence helps you read situations accurately, allowing for more harmonious interactions with your spouse. Read situations accurately, allowing for more harmonious interactions with your spouse. Spouses involved in a great marriage have the social savviness to understand what they should and shouldn't say to each other.
Speaker 1:There's a right way to say something, a right time to say something and the right person to say something. Sometimes you are not the right person to say something to your spouse. It's possible that your spouse will more likely listen to a friend or a co-worker. It's just part of the nuances of communication. I know from personal experience that there are things my wife wants me to do and I will not do it if it's coming from her. It's only when I hear it from someone else that I'll decide to do it. This is not a conscious decision that we make in our heads that we will listen to some people and not listen to others. It's just hard for us to internalize things we hear from people that are close to us. Learning to think before you speak will keep you from sleeping in the doghouse and will get you closer to never leaving. This is Coach Ratner at the Coach Ratner Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment, a like, a share, a save. Thank you so much.