From Swipe Right to Wedding Night: How to Make Yourself Irresistibly Marriageable

We lay out a clear, practical roadmap for becoming more dateable and more marriageable, from what you wear and say on early dates to how you build real emotional connection. We also break down the traits that predict a strong marriage, including support, resilience, boundaries, self-esteem, and love that shows up as action.
• why we built a class around five purposeful dates 
• four levels of dateability from Fruitcake to Hottie 
• first date bias plus dressing well and smiling 
• manners and small behaviors that signal character 
• nerves in early dating and why we use the three-date rule 
• better first date questions and how to stay engaging 
• values alignment with money habits and future plans 
• boundaries in conversation and what not to overshare 
• warning signs around anger, driving, and disrespect 
• the four S test for early compatibility 
• support as the difference between empty and alive 
• resilience and self-esteem as relationship foundations 
• love as a verb, not a scorecard, and why purpose matters 

Transcript

Why The Class Exists

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Last Sunday, or after the day after the war started, and I came in Sunday, I goes, Essentials? And he goes, Yes. And when I had one person show up. Very funny, but thank God I'm surprised they didn't cancel it. It's amazing. So once I've been working on a class, one of the things that's coming up a lot of my teaching is that people always ask me, How do what do I talk about in the first day? What do I talk about in the second day? How do I know what we should be discussing? How do I know what success is? And so I wrote a class called Five Dates to Meet Your Mate. And that class will be premiering here Wednesday. And we're going to go through five different dates, five different dates, what you should talk about, things to discuss, what you shouldn't discuss. And we're going to define red flags, green flags, and the word chemistry. So when you start going to dating, you have you have like clarity in what you're supposed to be doing. Because I think a lot of people ask, you know, what do we talk about for a stake? Well, I'm going to give you some ideas. Anyway, this class is called From Swipe Right to Wedding Night: How to Make Yourself Irresistibly Marriageable. And the reason why I wrote this is because when I was teaching some classes in um some singles events for people, I don't want to say elderly because for 50s, not, I guess 50s is not elderly, but this is older than you guys. And anyway, so I left those classes thinking to myself that some people have no idea what it means to even get into the realm of what it means to be dateable, right? And so I came up with four different categories of what it means to be dateable. There's four categories. The lowest category is called a fruitcake. And this you may be, you may be a good date, but not one you want to make. And then you have what's called the fixer upper. And this one, they may be sweet as butter, but you may end up in a marriage that sputters. And then you have the contender, not a bartender, but one you may want to marry in November. And finally, the last high, the highest level is called the Hadi. This is not about a killer body, but giving your partner more attention than your part Maserati. So we're gonna go through four different levels, what it means to be marriageable, how to make something and upgrade your levels. Thank you for the laugh. Appreciate it. I always talk about how I love having older people in the room, not your, but like, you know, like I'm patient, I'm a self-down. They understand my material, they get my jokes. Especially when I do the thing when I talk about laws of family purity, I go, you know, two weeks on, two weeks off. Wax on, wax off. There you go. You see, they get it, they get it. I love it. It's too old for you guys. Anyway, so we wanna we wanna understand that we can upgrade ourselves, we can become better dated, we can make ourselves more available, more desirable in the eyes of somebody else. Now, I'm gonna tell you this geek, this class is geared more towards men than women. And that's because men have a lot more work to do. And as you as you know, and this is my feeling, especially in the yeshiva seminary world, that women come out of seminary very mature. I teach a lot at a seminary, and they're you know, these girls are eight, 19 years old, and they're like, next year we're ready to get go get me. I'm like, they're they're mature. And I have guys here who are 19 years old and they're like playing with their video games all day long. And there's a different level of maturity from the guys and the girls. It's like women generally marry men who are a bit older because they you need them to mature a little bit, they'll cook a little bit. Not always the case. Anyway.

SPEAKER_04 3:01

My husband's 11 years younger than me.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

I'm gonna say my two best friends, but what how old when you got married? You weren't 30, you weren't 30, he was 19. Right. See my point, he it's different. He's matured already. Right. You had you you have guys who are 20, you know, who are 20, you know, you have women who are 22 years old marrying guys who are 30. That's possible. But you never have a 30-year-old woman marrying a 22 year old guy because they're not mature enough.

unknown 3:29

Right?

Five Dates And Dating Clarity

Four Levels Of Dateability

Maturity Gaps And Who Marries Whom

SPEAKER_00 3:29

That's the way it works. But you once you get to a certain age, it doesn't matter anymore. It's all the same, you know. I mean, not all the same, but like, you know, good for you. Because men, you know, they lose their you know, things as they get older. They get whatever. Let's not get there. Okay, sorry, off topic. All right. Uh so the first thing you want to do is dress like a princess because your body is what people see, but your soul is your purpose and destiny. People judge skin deep before they dig soul deep. Now, I have an idea, it's called first date bias. When you're going on the first date with someone, if you don't know anything about them, you haven't seen a picture, all you have to go on is what they look like. If they look great, you're more likely to have a second date. That's it, that's all you have to go on. Nothing. We want to marry our soulmate. It's the most important thing we want to marry is our soulmate because, as you know, when you get older, you know, the that those hot bodies don't last. We get to be in our 50s, 60s, and 70s, and we have body parts that one time look amazing, now look like a raisin. We might have parts, you know, parts that look perky and then look a beef jerky. And we have parts that are now sagging and maybe dragging on the floor. But we want to make, and that's why looks only go so far. We want to marry that we have a soul connection to. That's the most important thing. So you want to dress like a prince or a princess. It's very important how we dress. It's a reflection of the person. And if you go out with a guy who's like got spills on his shirt and his buttons undone and his shirt's hanging out, you're thinking to yourself, subconsciously, it's not something you're thinking, subconsciously, if if this person can't take care of themselves, how can they take care of me? Huh? Or as conscious, subconscious, whatever, or you're unconscious, whatever, right? It's possible. It's like going on an airplane. And they tell you if you have kids, make sure you put the oxygen mask first on yourself before your kids, because you're no good being dead. You can save your kids, not save yourself. It doesn't do any good. So you have to be able to take care of yourself. Very important. Smile is so important. You know, there's an idea the sages say that we actually don't own our face. You think you own your face, but you see your face as a woman a lot more than the man. But like us guys, one guy, we have one guy, one guy left. We you look at your face two or three minutes in the morning, two or three minutes in the afternoon, and that's it. In the evening, that's it. Women a little bit longer, because you put makeup on that kind of thing. But really, I see your face a lot more than you see your face. So you don't actually own your face. It's public domain. Reshusha rubbing, it's public domain. Which means when you go with someone on a date with someone, if you've seen a picture of a guy with a beautiful smile, or one of the guys without a good beautiful smile, there's a world of difference in it. As you know, smiling is so important. I remember I was in Florida, South Florida teaching uh a group of single women. And this woman in the back of the room, I mean, like, I felt so bad for her. I thought she hated my class. I really thought she hated my class. The way she looked at me the whole time, like, am I because I was giving my class on sunscreen love. I'm like, is this bad stuff? I'm like, am I am I like in the Twilight Zone? Because I've been giving this class for years, like people love it. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. And after the class, she came up to me and said, I have a hard time getting second dates. You guys ever heard of RBF? Anyway, so she had this face, unfortunately. I said, You need to smile more. Because her face wasn't like, okay, it wasn't the best, but like it when she smiles, it's beautiful. And it's very important that we smile when we go on dates. Okay. Um, manners. Here's a big deal going on. So this is the whole thing. When you go out the guy, again, girls also. Proper manners, right? Using a fork and a knife, you know, putting your napkin on your lap. I had a guy at my house. I I sometimes in my shabbat's table will have men and women. And there's a guy at my table, he was like 27, can't get married. I know why. You know, I serve chicken soup. And he takes the soup, you know, I eat soup. I love soup. But at the end of the, you know, we had a table with women and men, mixed singles. And he takes the soup and he goes like this. It was like he was trying out for a Raymond Noodle commercial in Japan. Like, what are you doing here? Like, you just give a spoon. What do you what do you I now I've done that by myself. Listen, if I'm in my kitchen and the curtains are closed, there's no one in the house, and I finish my soup, I might do that with no one in the room. But I have awareness, especially if I'm a single guy wanting to get married, that I'm not gonna drink my soup in front of single girls. And then here's the thing what he did. I will serve uh chicken thighs. You know, the chicken thighs have bones in them. So if one even Friday night at my house, I had chicken pieces. And if I get a piece of chicken with a bone, when I'm done with a piece of chicken, I take the bone, I throw it in the trash can, and I get another piece of chicken. He was taking the chicken thigh bones and lining up on the table, like he was making, he had little trophies of his chicken bones. I'm like, what are you gonna make a chicken bone for? And I try to teach now to these guys, and I teach them this all the time. When you see a man, if you're in a dinner, say you're a single dinner, you see a guy stand up without being asked by the host, and he stands up and he picks up the empty bowls of soup or the empty plates when people are done eating, and he picks them up and brings them to the kitchen. As a girl, what do you think about him? He's married, you know what he is? He's 20% hotter. Off the bat. Am I right? Do you know why? Because he's taking responsibility, he's not being asked to do. We're gonna get into this later as we get into the top level. But it's very important. Don't talk about past relationships. We're gonna get into this class on Wednesday, a lot more things we're gonna discuss, things you shouldn't be talking about on dates. But past relations is a no-no. Or your mother, right? And it's very okay to be nervous. People are nervous all the time. It's okay to be nervous. There's nothing wrong with it. In fact, it's very natural, especially if you're new to dating, you're 20, 21 years old, never gone on a date. I was so nervous. I mean, I was terrified in my early 20s. I would take a girl, forget going to a pasta or pizza place, because I'm a little bit of slob. I'll spill my shirt. I go to a place at a salad bar, right? I order a salad, I say, leave off the dressing because it'll spill my collar. Forget the avocados because it's gonna be gas. And the carrots get stuck in my teeth. If I'm ordering a bowl of lettuce on my first date, are you gonna get to know me in the first date? Not a shot in the world. You have to give this is why I have what's called my class called the three-date rule. You have to give people at least three chances. Because on the first date, you're probably very nervous. I mean, not if you're you know, 40, 50 years old, but like when you're 20, 21 years old going dating, it's very it's very nerve-wracking. You're nervous, you know, unless you're good, and it takes practice. I'm very much into practicing. I think everyone should go out and practice. Huh? Another guy.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

What's that?

SPEAKER_00 10:09

No, I think practicing is very good. I think it's very good for relationships. So that's called the fruitcake. We want to move from the fruitcake to the fixer upper, right? A fixer upper may be sweet as butter, but you may end up in a marriage that's butters. How do we get here? We want to move up a level. This is called be engaging. You have to know how to talk to people, have standard lines you can manage, right? And one of the easiest things you can do is to say, hi, my name is Daniel. What is your name? And what's the first question you ask? Where are you from? Because it creates a connection. Because you can start, it's called Jewish geography, right? You know someone from everywhere. But if you ask, oh, what do you do? What happens? I don't have a job, I hate my job, I'm unemployed, right? It brings can bring up a lot of negative things. So you always ask for someone because someone someone is from somewhere, right? You can always make a connection with that.

SPEAKER_04 10:58

Yeah, but if you ask, what do you do? It's insinuating a question.

First Date Bias And Presentation

Smiling Matters More Than You Think

Manners That Quietly Signal Character

SPEAKER_00 11:05

I don't that's why I say don't do that. That's why that's why I say don't say that question. That's that's gonna be my class on Wednesday. Yeah, yeah. What do you enjoy doing about your job? That's why I asked about in the class. What is your why what are you so passionate about your work? Right. It's funny in the class, my one on the first day in my new class, I'm writing, I talk about things that you do. If you had all the money in the world, you know, what would you do with yourself? What would you do with your free time? And uh this comes up, the idea of money comes up. If someone says on a date, like, oh, I wish I could do that, that's probably not a person you're gonna align with as far as values. They wish they could do that, and this other person's doing that. You know, our values have to align. It's very important. We have the same values and goals in our relationship. And money is a very big issue. I was coaching a guy who was here at Age, and he went back to uh South Florida and he's dating this girl who's modern Orthodox, and he called me to tell me about this date. He's his girl's dating, and he's complaining a little bit because she's always buying the newest purses, like she's always shopping for purses and always has a like a brand new three-year lease on her car. It's like she's always got three-year leases. And if you know finance at all, if you're very much into you know saving money, you know that a three-year lease is not a good deal on a car. Maybe there are some good deals sometimes, I guess. But in general, sorry, you know, you're better off. When I left for Israel in 2019, I sold my 2005 BMW, my 2006 Honda Odyssey. I had my cars for 14 and 15 years. And if I hadn't moved to Israel, I would have kept them. I wasn't gonna sell them. I'd have hated selling them. They weren't worth a lot of money. I would have kept them. Just take them to the shop, make sure they keep running. Because it's uh cars are a negative asset. Once you buy a car and it takes all the parking lot, you're just losing money every single day. So people who are smart buy old cars and they keep them up, you know, if they if they're into into creating wealth. Unless you have a lot of money, obviously, and you go buy a hundred thousand dollar cars, fine, I understand. But a lot of people buy cars who can't really afford them because they have low self-esteem and they want to look higher in the eyes of other people. So they buy cars they can barely afford and they buy leases because leases, you don't put as much money down, you can buy a more expensive car. Do you get my point? I know I'm off topic right now with cars. Anyway, I um oh, so here's a very important thing. Know your future plans. Imagine one day with a guy, and like, what are you gonna do in your life? I don't know. Are you gonna finish school? I don't know. Like, you wanna you wanna marry a guy like that? You wanna marry a guy like that? No. You wanna know what he's doing in life. You don't have to know exactly, right? You don't have to know, okay, I'm gonna get a job at IBM, I'm making 175 a year. Like, you don't have to know that unless you want the guy to have a job making that kind of money. I mean, you don't have to know he's to know kind of where he's going in life. I'm finishing school, I plan to go to grad school, I plan to be in this job, or I'm gonna either learn a colour for three years, and then I'm gonna go out and get a job in psychology, whatever it's gonna be. You have to know where you're going in life. Again, 19-year-olds don't know as well as as guys who are 22, 23 years old. But if you're 25, 26 years old and still don't know where you're going in life, you're gonna have a hard time. What do you want to do? Any of you guys ever seen the movies Monty Pythons? You know what Monty Python movies are? You've seen it? And it's really funny because when you read what's going on in Iran, when it's when when they when a leader in Iran makes a comment today, I think about that movie. I don't know which movie it was, but the knife goes, It's only a flesh wound. Anyone else think that? You know what I'm talking about? Holy Grail, maybe? Holy Grail? It's only a flesh wound. Is it comedy? Are they serious? Anyway. We want to become a fixer opera at least. Know your future plans, be engaging, you must have boundaries. Do you talk about affairs? Do they talk about affairs you consider either materialistic or boring? And here's an important thing in dating. And actually, in life, even in marriage today, in my own life, I know when I'm telling my wife a story that sometimes it might interest her. She might just be thinking about other things. And I have to say, you know what? I don't have to sit here and torture her with my story. I realize it's not the right time or she has no interest in it. I have the awareness to not talk about it. I was here teaching. I'm about to sneeze. Hold on a second. I mentioned it. I prepared you all for a sneeze. Oh gosh. I I started this new cancer drug. And so the side effects are this. I have a sore in my nose. It's horrible. It makes my nose like want to sneeze all the time. Anyway, um, I was teaching this class on Shavuas Night. Any of you guys hear on Shavuas Night in June? It was like out we teach out there, we teach from like midnight till 4 a.m. It's packed. I mean, like hundreds and hundreds of people. You can't even walk in. They had to close the building down. And I'm giving my classes like a 25, 30-minute class, and it was killer. It was very funny. And at the end of the class, people come up to talk to you and ask you questions, and or just say, hi, coach, you know, Shivu, you know, you know, um, gooduntive. And this one Israeli stood up and came over to me and started telling me about his ex-wife's problems. Remember, it's 1:30 in the morning. I have 400 people in the class, and there's another rabbi about to speak five minutes after me. And I said, you know what? This is this is crossing a boundary. This is not the time and the place to talk about your ex-wife. If he wants to meet with me, he says, Coach, I loved your class. Can I schedule a time after uh after Shavuas to get together with you to talk to you about my ex-wife? Do you get my point? That that's not the time and place. And there are people, I just say people with Asperger's, but like it seems to be in the Jewish world that there are a lot of men who are just a little weirdo. I hate to say this. And if, you know, you date Jewish men, you probably know if you date a lot of Jewish men, like, you know, there's a lot of weird guys. They don't have social clues. And I think that the Asperger's is, and the reason why I talk about Asperger's a lot, because it's four times more likely in men than in women. Now, when women have Asperger's, which they do, it's just not as weird than for men, for men to be with a woman with Asperger's. They can manage it. When men have it, forget about it. They have no social clues whatsoever. And when a guy's in your date with a guy and he's telling you some story and you're bored out of your mind, he doesn't recognize you're bored out of your mind, that is an issue in a relationship. So have awareness. If I'm gonna talk to a girl on a date, I have to be aware that sometimes I talk about things, okay, maybe interest me, but maybe don't interest her. That's the way life works. You're not gonna marry someone who has all the exact same interests and hobbies as you. That doesn't happen. That's for your best friend. It's very rare for people who are like working out together when they're single, playing scrapboard together, playing, you know, whatever game they play. And then 20 years later, when they have kids and hobbies and careers, that's playing those same games together. It just doesn't happen anymore. And this is why share a common, meaningful purpose in life. That's more than just kids, more than just games, and more than just working out, because those things fall by the wayside. Unless I guess maybe if your kids have left the house, you have no grandkids, and you're single again, you know, not single, but like you're married, but like you're back to traveling and playing games together. But God willing, you have lots of grandkids and lots of, you know, I tell my kids right now, I can't wait for grandkids. I said, When it's time to change the diaper bring them in, I'm happy to do it. That'll be my job. You won't see me here. When my kids start having kids, I don't have to see me here again. Because I'm looking forward to taking care of their kids. Very important boundaries, it's very important that if you're on a date and you go get into a car with them, in fact, one of the tell signs of having a narcissist is if watching them drive. And it's not it's not MS, it's not complete truth. But when you have a guy who's driving, I had a girl uh contact me two months ago, said she was dating this guy four times, and on the fourth date, she got in a car with him, and she liked him, but he's driving really, really fast and cursing at drivers. And she made an excuse for him that he's going through, he's coming, he's gonna he was going through dentistry school, he's under a lot of pressure. She made some excuses for him for something else, and I said to her, You've been on four dates with this guy. He should be at his best behavior. If you're making excuses now, what's gonna happen when you get married? Get my point? So you can tell a lot about a person about how they drive. You really can. Another thing that we're talking about on Wednesday, it's called um keys coast, keys, coast, and cost, right? Keese is is uh money, right? Wait, keys is pockets, right? Keys is pockets, how they spend their money, coast is how they drink, and cost is how they get angry. I'm telling you, one of the worst traits that you could ever marry is someone with anger. You can date them, you can handle it. You can handle it. You're not living them 24 hours a day. Once you marry them and you're living with them, forget about it. You're walking on eggshells all day long. Those marriages don't last. So you have to have awareness of these things. A person with boundaries won't get angry. A person with boundaries will take care of, will not, will not speak down to people in like waiters and waitresses, that kind of thing. People with boundaries won't be speeding and driving, cursing our drivers. People with boundaries, if you say to your date, hey, I really need to get home at 10:30 to get back for work and at 10 o'clock, and he says to you, Oh, come on, we can stay a little bit longer. No, that guy has not listened to you. They have to have boundaries. Very important. And we're gonna talk about also in this class Wednesday that we talk about the four the four S's of wine tasting, right? There's it's called swirl, sniff, sip, and savor. And there's four S's of dating. These are what we're gonna talk about on this Wednesday. Four successes of dating. And the first is do you feel seen? Is that person paying attention to you? Are they looking through you, looking at the people in the room? Are they connecting to you? Are they looking at their phone? Do you feel seen? And then do you feel safe? That's the second S. Because if you don't feel safe around this person, this isn't gonna work out very well after one date. And I don't mean just say, and they can be a short guy shorter than you, which is fine. They can be short guys, you know, especially us Jewish guys are short, we we lift a lot of weights and go buy a Porsche because we have low self-esteem. It's fine. They can take care of you just for shorter than you. Do you feel seen? Do you feel safe? Do you feel sexy? What I mean by sexy is do you want to dress up for them again? Do you want to put makeup on them for the game? Do you want to put a new suit on for them? Do you want to make sure that you take a shower and fix your hair? Because if you don't want to do that on the second date, that person is probably not for you. In the last S, do you want a salsa? Do you want to dance with them? Right? This happens after five or ten days, not for the first date. But after five or ten days, you should want to get close to them. Doesn't say you're going to. I'm not going to judge anyone. What you want to do, especially in the free world, you're not going to do that. But like, do you want to dance with them? You know what I'm saying? You want to dance? If you don't want to date for that person, that probably is the person you shouldn't marry. That makes sense. Okay. Now we're going to move on from the fixer upper to the contender. Not a bartender, but one you may want to marry in November. This person is dateable and marriageable. Not the highest level, but we're going to get them there. Or her there. Be supportive. Be supportive. The word Nishama. Anyone know this word Nishama?

SPEAKER_02 22:31

What does it mean?

Nerves And The Three Date Rule

Conversation Starters And Being Engaging

Values Alignment And Money Habits

SPEAKER_00 22:35

Anyone knows what the word Nishama means? Nobody knows what the word Nashama means. Soul or life force. That's right, that's right. The second word, Nishama. What does this mean? You probably don't know it. It's mentioned three times in the Torah, and parsha's para. It means empty or void. Uh Mordecai Shapiro asked the question. How is it possible if the same word have exact polar opposites? And the difference is support. This is still our life source. This is empty or desolate. The difference is a little support. That's all you're looking for in a relationship. It's a little support. And it goes from being empty. If you're in a marriage, it's empty or desolate. That's not a good marriage. You need to have support in a relationship. And that's what people are looking for. I have a story, my one of the rabbis I learned with was uh on seven or eight dates with this woman. He was this 40 years ago. And he decided he wasn't going out with her anymore. So he was gonna, he was going to a simple with her. He said at the end of the sim flaw, he was gonna break up with her. During this party, he had an issue, a health issue, and had to go to the hospital. She would not leave his side for two days in the hospital. After that, he married her. And they're still married. Because that's all we're looking for in life is someone there to support us. I don't talk, I'm not talking, not just financially, I'm talking about emotionally. This is why the most important thing in relationship is an emotional connection. We want to build an emotional connection with the person we're going to marry. And this is why you cannot base someone just on looks. Because the more you know someone you like, the better looking they get. And that's why you have to have a three-date rule. It's a recommendation, not halal ha. So you have to give someone a chance. Because you've seen people, you've been in the wedding of a girlfriend of yours, good-looking girl, right? And you saw the groom for the first time. You go to the wedding, you go, oh my gosh, he looks like Freddie Krueger. And the reason why you don't know him like she knows him. The more you know someone you like, the better looking they get. Make them feel special. Don't be late or make excuses. So you value their time. One of the things that I think was very helpful, one of the reasons why me and my wife is because on the first date, I dropped her off at her parents' house. I went back to my house in Virginia, and she called me when I got home, she called me. Make sure I got home okay. That's showing that you make an effort and you care about them. Walk them home, give them a sweat if they're cold. You have to put in an effort. I want to say something that's very important. It takes hard work to have an awesome marriage. It takes hard work to have awesome kids. If you're not prepared to put in the emotional and physical work, don't get married. It takes a lot of work. You have to clean the kitchen even when you don't feel like it. You have to show give them the emotional attention even when you don't feel like it. And that's what makes great, although it's all about work for you put in, just like kids. Like I tell the people about to have kids. It's all about you being there. It's not about you, like, you know, always interacting with them, but they need to know you're there for them. That's what makes independent, healthy, emotionally healthy kids. It's like they know you have your back. That's why we don't do try it out in our house. We didn't, you know, we're there for our kids all the time. And that makes healthy kids. Get out of your comfort zone. Soon it won't be so uncomfortable. I remember I was on a date with a girl one time. I was, I think I was in my late 20s. I didn't get married till I was 36. And I took her to a restaurant and we tried some food. So we she ordered something, and she, I said, Why don't you try this? And she goes, Ew gross, ew gross. I'm like, at that point in time, I am not going to marry this girl. I'm like, you don't give me that. That's a for me personally, if you don't, if I teach my kids, if they don't like something, don't they tell me, Abba, this isn't this, this doesn't fit our taste buttons very well. That's what my kids tell me. It'll make a yucky fake, ew gross, ew gross. That to me is completely um. What's the word I'm trying to say? Immature, thank you. It's immature. We had a girl at her house recently. She's not here in Israel anymore. And a lot of times we have people come to Shabbat, they have to walk home. And like in Jerusalem, everyone walks everywhere, right? People walk home to Harnof, they walk home to French Hill, sometimes an hour and a half. I had a couple come to me, two-month-old baby, took a cab from Friendshill's, had shopped with us, and walked back to French Show, the couple with the baby in the stroller. It's an hour and a half. People do it all the time. And this girl was like only from my house because it's five minutes from where she lived. She goes, Oh, I won't walk 20 minutes anywhere. I'm like, What do you how do you get around New York? She's like, take cabs everywhere and buses everywhere. I'm like, I don't want to marry someone like that. Do you? Do you want to marry someone who's not willing to work half an hour? It's ridiculous. Resilience is one of the most important things in a relationship. You go on a date with someone, they're complaining about the dirty, the, you know, they're complaining about dirty forks, they're complaining to the waitress, they're complaining they're speeding, whatever it is. Resilience is so important in a relationship. You want to find someone who's resilient. And last thing in this part of being a contender, have strong self-esteem. Imagine if I told you I have a guy for you, by the way, he doesn't love himself. Do you want to go out with him? Not a chance in the world. No one's need some guy who doesn't love themselves. Self-esteem is so important because you're gonna have a hard time loving somebody else unless you can love yourself. So many relationships falter because one person doesn't love themselves. And a lot of times, I hate to say it's more of a woman than men, but like a lot of young women, early 20s, they'll love themselves and they go, oh, if I find a guy, then I'll be happy. Not only are you still gonna be unhappy, you're not gonna make him unhappy, and the relationship's gonna fall apart. You can be in a relationship and be in low self-esteem. It can last, but it's not gonna be awesome. You have to love yourself as you are as a person first. And this is why I have the book, Never Feel Unloved Again. 12 Symptoms and Strategies to Cure Low Self-Esteem. There's no reason to go in a relationship without loving yourself. There's um Sidney Frank. He um invented a liquor called Jaegermeister. It was very popular in colleges. It tastes like, you know what it tastes like, right? Oh yeah, yeah. It tastes like VIX 44, right? Yeah. I think there's a kosher version of it. Anyway, so he was uh doing well selling this Jaegermeister, and then he decided he wanted to compete with Absolute Vodka. At the time, Absolute Vodka was number one selling vodka in the 1980s. He came up a vodka called Grey Goose Vaca. He comes out with it, promotes it, and it doesn't do very well. He had it priced at the same price as Absolute, which at the time, the early date 1980s, was$15 a bottle. And he did something that is now in the marketing hall of fame. He doubled the price of the vodka from$15 to$30. You know what happened? Sold like crazy. He ended up selling it to Bacardi in 2004 for$2.4 billion. What's the what's the shot here? What's the reason? So good question? No. According to the Food and Drug Administration, every single vodka, if it's distilled at least three times, it's exactly the same. As long as it's not flavored. So what's the difference when someone goes to buy a bottle of vodka? There's only one thing that makes a difference. Perception. Perception. He had a beautiful bottle, it made it sound French, beautiful, but you go to a liquor store, you're gonna buy some vodka for your get for your for your host. Like, I'm gonna buy a nice bottle of vodka, and you go to the liquor store, and there's you know, there's um some cheap Russian brand on the bottom in a plastic bottle for$10, and then you have absolute 15 and you have Great Goose Authority on the top shelf. You're like, I'm gonna get them a good bottle. It's the exact same thing. It's just perception. If you don't value yourself, no one's gonna value you.

SPEAKER_03 31:20

It's all marketing.

Future Plans And Dating Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 31:21

It's all marketing. We're marketing ourselves. We're going to dating, we are marketing ourselves. You value yourself as a princess, people are gonna look at you as a princess. You value yourself as trash, and people are gonna look at you as trash. My Rebbeson was teaching one time on Upper East West Side of New York, and she was teaching a lot of single modern Orthodox women. And they came to her after a class and they said to her, Hacking we can't get married. And she asked them, Are you sleeping with the guys? And they all said yes. And she responded, Why should they pay for it when they get it for free? Just something to think about. Okay, now we're on to the hottie. This is not about a killer body, but giving your partner more attention than your parked maserati. Okay. Live with the idea that love is a verb. It is not a noun. It is not I love you, because I can say I love you every single day. If I don't back it up with action, it is absolutely meaningless. You have to turn it into a verb. I am in the act of loving you. I am in the constant act of loving you, which we're not in this class, but in my other classes. We talk about attention, affection, appreciation, and awareness, the four A's. Compliment, don't criticize. These are things that show that I am in the act of loving you. It's not about saying I love you, because it doesn't mean anything. We talk about my my marriage class, my parenting class, you tell your 15-year-old boy I love you, it doesn't mean anything to them. For kids, it's about do do the do I under do my parents understand me and do they have my back? Those are the most important things in raising kids. But for our spouse, it's the four A's. And for man, it's respect. Attention, affection, appreciation, and awareness. But for men, it's respect. And one way to make idea into love into a verb is to make it into a game. Make love fun. Just like you like playing Monopoly, play monogamy. You like playing risk, play risk A. If you play Connect 4, play Connect 4 play. You can make love into a game, make it fun. There's no reason why you can't make love fun. My wife knows it all the time. And we have a great, amazing marriage. Make love fun. But don't keep score. Once you start keeping score in a relationship, you're going to lose. Because once you look at keeping a score, it means you're looking at it as a partnership. And the definition of a marriage is not a partnership. Because a partnership means I have an idea, you have the money, and we're going, Jeff and I go into business together. And once we succeed or fail, I don't need them anymore. If you look at marriage as, oh, you want kids, I want kids. Let's get together and we have kids. What happens? It's called emptiness divorce. This happens after 20, 25 years of marriage. So common. Probably some of your friends, right? Emptiness divorce. The reason for marriage is kids. Next thing you know, the kids have left the house and they're standing at each other in the kitchen, wondering why they got married in the first place. Because the reason for marriage has left the building. And this is why you have to have a common, meaningful purpose that's more than just kids, more than just working out. Torah is a good thing to have. Once you start keeping score, oh, I did this, why didn't you do that? You're gonna lose. You can't value, you can't place a value on anything in a relationship. And this is why the definition of marriage is a merger of two souls. When I look at my spouse, I am looking at myself. We were born. Imagine paper heart like this, right? And it splits right down the middle in half. Jagged, jagged, right? And half goes into you, and the half goes out somewhere in the world. And your job as a young person, or older person, doesn't matter, is to find your soulmate. And when you go into the hut and you say your vows, those two halves of those hearts merge into one soul. And the reason why we marry a soulmate, because who do we love the most? We love ourselves the most. And that's why when we look at our spouse as ourselves, we would never do anything to hurt them. And this is why we want to marry our soulmate. Doesn't matter what they look like. Doesn't matter what they look like, especially when they get older. We're all gonna start sagging and dragging, it's part of life. Yes. Indications? We're gonna Wednesday. Wednesday in my class. We're gonna get on Wednesday in the class about like how how how you know this is your soulmate. I think the most important thing. I think one of the most important things if you want to go to the bomb well, there's another Yeah yeah, yeah. Huh? Yeah, I know. Usually though they go off. I think last yesterday or the day before it didn't go off. It's so weird though with this sort of life. It's so weird, isn't it? It's all the way downstairs to floor zero and there's bomb chillers down there. I mean how many of us dream of sending a missile and it lands right there on the like how many times are we doing that? Huh? I can't hear what you're saying.

SPEAKER_04 36:30

I don't think it would sound so close to us.

Narcissism Clues And How They Drive

SPEAKER_00 36:33

Okay, let me finish the class. Express feelings constructively without anger. Be comfortable saying I was wrong and I forgive you. These are very hard words for some people, especially narcissists, can't say I was wrong, and I forgive you. And these are very important words to learn how to say. It's hard to do. It's hard to say I'm wrong. Especially for a narcissist. And you have to, in a relationship, you have to be able to say, I'm wrong and I'm and I'm sorry. And I forgive you. It's more, it's more important than anything else. Take responsibility, find something to take responsibility for. Women, this is the thing that I think this is a key for women. They love when men take responsibility for something they're not required to do. When you see a man who's working in a nonprofit in his free time, you see a man helping to do things that are not part of his job and part of his, you know, the women love it. And for men, we love it if we're dating a girl and she's, oh, why don't you bite your friends over for spot dinner? I'll make them dinner. We love that. We love that. It's taking responsible for things you're not really responsible for. And this is why this is why I tell these men in my house, clean the chicken up. Stand up and start cleaning. You can be the guy who does something to the chicken, you can be the guy, the passive chicken, or be the guy who does something with the chicken. Don't be the chicken. Don't be the passive guy. Get there and do something with the chicken. And you lastly, you want to be someone who has a relation with God, not someone who thinks they're God, who wants to be God or act like God, but someone who has a real connection with God. Because we want to turn ourselves into a nishama. We want to turn ourselves that someone, this kind of nishama, someone that has support, is willing to give someone else support. And we do that when we have our soulmate, because when two nishamas embrace, you'll be God's grace. When God is in the room, when God is in the room, your relationship will bloom. And that's basically my class on how to make yourself irresistibly marriageable. Okay, I'll see you Tuesday.