Everyone’s Looking At Me… Or Are They? | Episode 453

Everyone’s Looking At Me… Or Are They? | Episode 453

Ever felt heat rise in your chest because a stranger glanced your way? We dive into that raw, familiar surge—the fear of being stared at—and unpack why our minds leap to judgment, how old wounds keep the script running, and what it takes to speak and act anyway. From quiet benches at the mall to tee boxes on a busy Saturday, Justin maps the everyday moments that trigger performance anxiety and the illusion that all eyes are fixed on us.

We open with the heart of our mission—expanding mental health, trauma, and recovery support to billions—and move straight into the lived reality of post‑hospital life: the “Do I look okay?” loop that makes a simple outing feel like a test. Justin shares how teen acne, early talks, and classroom memories still color present moments, then uses the golf course to show how neutral attention gets misread as judgment. The lesson is practical and human: watchers often aren’t watching you; they’re planning their next shot.

As an introvert who teaches and speaks to large groups, Justin breaks down the tools that turn nerves into focus. Notes are a strength, not a crutch. Practice builds grooves that carry you through the shaky first minutes. Reframing shifts the story from catastrophe to curiosity: maybe that glance is about your shoes, not your worth. We also bring in a powerful insight from performer and author Tyrus—if you’re never nervous, you might not be growing. That mindset transforms butterflies from a warning into a green light.

Across the hour, you’ll hear simple, repeatable steps to steady yourself: prepare more than you think you need, anchor with breath and posture, choose a mantra that centers values over looks, and give yourself permission to use every tool that helps. You’ll also hear a reminder that visible and invisible differences are not deficits but extra abilities forged by daily effort. People will look; the world is a shared space. Your job is to show up and do the work you came to do, even while your heart pounds—because calm often arrives mid‑sentence, not before.

If this resonates, help us reach farther: subscribe, share this episode with someone who needs it, and leave a review to tell us what landed most for you. Your support expands our impact and might be the nudge someone needs to step into the light.

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Chapter Markers

0:00 Mission And Global Goals

1:59 The Idea Of Staring

4:40 People Watching Versus Being Watched

9:08 Post‑Hospital Anxiety About Appearance

13:10 Everyday Triggers And Old Wounds

17:30 Golf, Performance, And Perceived Judgment

22:10 Speaking While Introverted

26:15 Skills, Notes, And Reframing

28:30 Nervousness As A Signal For Growth

32:00 Practice, Presence, And Letting Go

34:10 Closing And Community Support

#justiceforjustin   #justiceforvoicesforvoicestiktok #VoicesforVoices #AnxietyRelief #SocialAnxiety #PerceptionVsReality #MentalHealthAwareness #SelfConsciousness #FearOfJudgment #Overthinking #EmotionalWellbeing #IntrovertStruggles #MindfulnessTips #ConfidenceB

Transcript

Mission And Global Goals

Voices for Voices, Justin Alan Hayes 0:01

Hey everyone, it's Justin here, Voices for Voices. Thank you so much for joining us on this episode. We are over 450 episodes in. We're grateful and thankful for you joining us, whether you're watching, whether you're listening, whether you're here in the United States or somewhere other than the United States across the world. We are so grateful to have you want to be a part of the Voices for Voices movement to help people. We do have these huge goals. One of them is we want to help at least 3 billion people over the course of my lifetime and beyond. We can only do that with you if you can reach out to maybe 25 or 50 of your contacts on your phone, let them know about Voices for Voices, that we are a 501c3 nonprofit charity that we predominantly focus on mental health, trauma, recovery, and at the very core, helping people. That's what we're here for. And by you helping us, uh we will be able to not only reach and help over 3 billion people over the course of my lifetime and beyond, because I can't do it alone. We can't do it alone as an organization. We need your help in in uh in more than one way. Uh if you can help us reach 3,000 cities worldwide, we're at 1,100 cities worldwide. And if you can help us reach 300 countries, territories, provinces worldwide, we are over uh 110 countries, territories, and provinces. If it so moves you, uh we do accept donations that here in the United States are 100% tax deductible. Uh so if you head on over to lovevoices.org, lovevoices.org, and that is lovevoices.org spelled out L-O-V-E V O I C E S dot O R G. Thank you so much for being with us today. Stairs. So we're not talking about the stairs where uh you know you you got you walk up the stairs or down the stairs. I'm talking about the stairs where wherever we may be people stare. People stare, people stare, people, people, people watch. There we go. Um I remember, oh gosh, my grandpa uh on my dad's side. Um I don't I don't know that he did it to uh people watch, maybe he did, and I never had I never had an opportunity to to ask him, but I I remember uh sometimes uh going to the mall back you know when the malls and the inside to the malls kind of a thing to do. And I was w really young, really young, and maybe it would be a snow day, maybe it would be a holiday, I don't know. And my mom would say something like uh, hey, we're gonna head to the mall. Didn't mean we're gonna buy something at the mall, just meant that we're gonna go to the mall. And she mentioned that we may be uh we may run into my grandpa uh that he he may be sitting on one of the benches and my grandma going from store to store, I guess, you know, doing her her thing, uh shopping, and and and so I don't know if it was for the people watch or you just wanted to re relax and and uh and yeah, just just relax. Uh and so that's what got me started to think it was a long time ago that this happened, um, and then I just recently uh was reminded of stares and staring that uh it may even be one of the medications I'm taking. I don't I don't know. There's so there's so many advertisements. I mean, whether no matter what type of TV, streaming platform, yeah, there's so many ads, and I think it might have been one of those to kind of really put those two things together of the staring, uh not that my grandpa was staring, but that he would be people watching. You know, he would be sitting on one of the benches waiting for my grandma, you know, to do her thing, go store to store, and um, and and so then when she was done, then then my grandma and grandpa they they left. Uh that was just a a thing to do. And um and so that got me thinking of like, oh, okay, uh is there anything that might relate a little bit? And so that was when I mean things just happened for a reason. Um let me tell you, everybody uh didn't didn't have this episode planned a long time ago. Uh and and when it came together, it was kind of like, oh wow, yeah, this makes complete sense. So some people sit, the people watch. Uh I I know from different travels, you know, you can eat inside, you can eat outside, and not only eating outside for you know the weather, you know, the weather is nice, yeah. It's nice to you know, maybe sit out, sit outside and you know, have a meal or a dessert or what have you. And the other part is uh depending on where it's at, there's people watching because people are watching, people are walking by one way or another, and and so as you you sit and you're having a conversation, you know, we're you know, our our our eyes, you know, sometimes are look into one way or the other. And uh and so there's people watching. And so in a way that could be considered staring, uh but I'm predominantly talking about in this particular episode about the staring, no matter where it's at, whether it's at a mall, a cafe, a restaurant, uh no matter where it's at, it could be at school, um, it could be at an event, it could be at a concert, it could be anywhere, you know, people watching and staring. And it could be, I don't know, that there's probably a million or ten million different reasons why somebody would look over or you know, make eye contact with somebody to make it feel like they were being stared, stared at. Um of course, Halloween and and different uh different holidays, it would make it makes a little sense that you know there would be staring of like, oh look at look at this person, they're dressed as a doctor. I don't I don't know, uh it could be dressed as what any anything. Uh and and so it could be looked at, right? And like stared, like, oh my gosh, you see that person, what what they're dressed as. And we might not we're not we may not be thinking of it as like that we're that we're staring, but it could be considered potentially staring. So why am I bringing this up? Why am I taking 10 minutes to get into this? The reason is mental health-wise, one of the things that when I when I came out of hospital in 2017, I had so many different things going through my head, right? I got I got therapy, I got medications, I gotta learn to eat again. Uh, I got all these things that I I'm I'm doing and trying to do. And I remember one of the things is I would keep asking my family, do I look okay? Are you just saying that I look fine? Uh, because remember, a lot of the mental health is inside our mind. And and so that's what was going on in my head. In my head, I I was so concerned that like, oh, you're just saying that because you're my family member, uh friend, and and and so I felt like I was being stared at. And maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. But I thought I was. I thought I was being stared at. And so when we we bring it to kind of current state when we have mental illnesses, or when I have with my mental illnesses, that's one of the parts that I don't say I continue to strugg struggle with. Uh, but it's it's something that definitely rears its head from time to time, that you know, p why are why are people looking at me? Why are they why are they staring at me? And again, they might not be staring at me. I might just be walking by a particular area and they just happen to be there. You know, it's like you're at a theme park, you know, maybe somebody's having lunch and you're waiting in line, and you sit down, and then you just have a feeling that somebody, you know, people are just staring at you or staring at me. And that's one of the it's one of those feelings where it doesn't feel very good. It feels again like people are just staring. It's like, oh my gosh, do I look okay? Like, am I dressed like appropriately? Like, what is there is there something? And maybe for me, it's a carryover from when I was growing up and I had you know acne really bad all over my face. And so, of course, during those periods of time, which took forever, it seems I felt like people were staring at me, and and I I would think a lot of them were classmates, teachers, others. And so I think having that thought in my mind, in my head, it just carried carried over to when staring came evident recently in what one of the commercials or shows I was I was watching and it really really uh I it really connected with the staring because I've I've I've felt that way for a better part of my life. You know, being out in public, being I'll give a good example, golfing. I'm not a great golfer, I like to to golf from time to time, and when uh if you haven't golfed, uh you know, usually you know one person, usually there's groups of two or four. So let's start there. So usually there's groups of two or four. So person one hits the first ball, then person two hits their first ball. And then they go around and find, okay, here's where the person won, they're gonna hit their ball again, person two is gonna hit their ball again, and so there is gonna be some waiting, I guess is the way to put it. Uh so like when person one is getting ready to hit that ball, person two is gonna be, you know, looking looking at them, watching them. Uh, you know, if they're driving a cart, a golf cart, uh, they're not gonna want to drive it when the person, other person's hitting the ball, because it could interfere. Anyways, that's an easy example of somebody being stared at and it not being a bad thing. Like they're just waiting until the person hits the ball, and then it it's their turn, and then person one watches person two, and then it kind of goes on and on, and that's where like a lot of anxiety uh comes from for me, is during those times of oh my gosh, like, and especially like if in a group of four, you know, so you have three other people, not just one, that is you know, watching and staring, or what is perceived to be staring. Again, they might not be staring in a negative way, they might just be watching, they might be watching which uh which club you hit. Uh, they might be looking at uh how tall the grass is. Um they may be looking at how many how many yards, what or what's the distance from where their ball is in relation to um you know where the flag is and then the hole, and that's the goal is to get the least amount of strokes um playing. And so there can be a host of things, and and I know that's what I've done, and a lot of times, you know, I'm not exactly watching the other person hit. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm looking at where my ball's at, how again, how what's the distance between my ball and the hole? Um, and then I might be looking through my clubs and going, okay, so I can hit this one 100 yards, I can hit this one 80 yards, and and I I have 90 yards to hit to the hole. And so there's all kinds of things that it may look like people are staring, and kind of like presentations. Uh that definitely is is one of the areas where people think others are staring at them. Because if I'm in front of 50 people or 20 people or 10,000 and I have a microphone, or I don't, I'm just in front of them talking, it definitely feels like I'm being stared stare uh stared at. And it can be a very a lonely time because it feels, you know, in that case, you know, giving presentations or just talking about my life experiences. People are just watching or listening. They might be going, oh, look at his shoes, uh, they don't match, or look at his shirt. I wonder where he got that shirt at. I wonder where I can get one at. I wonder where I can get that hat. Those types of things, as opposed to, oh my gosh, look at that person up there. Uh and that's what the most interesting part is. One of the most interesting parts about me is that I am number one, I'm an introvert. So I'm mostly I keep things in. Uh number two, I like and don't mind speaking in front of larger groups, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense for an introvert. But the reason why, or one of the reasons why, that I've come to this conclusion through therapy, through just learning and living, is the more I the more I know about what I'm trying to talk about. Obviously practicing helps. Having notes helps. Uh but if you don't use notes and you can still do it. You can still present, you can still talk about a topic, about a time when you felt a certain way, when you felt like somebody was staring at you and it was very uncomfortable, and it made me think like, oh my gosh, they know that I have depression, or they know that I have anxiety, or they know I have low spectrum autism. And and so those areas are where I was getting to with this episode is oh my gosh, they they can tell. There's people can tell that I have you know major depression or that uh that I have anxiety or ADD or ADHD or acute anxiety, uh, which means there's certain points where the anxiety just kind of overcomes. And so I just practice. That's the best the best way I know is I've had so much practice teaching over ten years with thousands of students uh entire schools, you know, two hundred students at different events, doing doing things that are very uncomfortable But uh that's at the start, but once I start talking then it it feels to me like I get calmer, I guess, is what I'm saying. So uh you know the build-up is like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, everybody's watching me, they're staring at me, they know that I have depression, they know I'm uh you know I have anxiety, and yeah, they're all staring at me, and uh I don't know what to do, and and then next thing I know I'm I'm talking about different different topics, different parts of my life, different experiences, different events. And then it's kinda like a calm comes over where once I start It just becomes easy for me. Or easier, not easy, because nothing is a hundred percent easy. And I guess I that's the message I wanna I want to share in this particular episode is I know it's so hard not to it's so hard to not worry about people staring or looking and thinking, oh, they know that I'm what that you know I have some mental illness or mental challenge, or maybe I have a maybe I lost uh a limb in a war, uh, or maybe I'm unable to see uh these types of things I don't I don't really consider them disabilities. I think they're extra abilities because it takes a ton of strength to live day to day. You know, we talk about second to second, minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day, week to week, month to month, year to year, whatever. You know, we can go through that whole whole cycle. And it doesn't matter. I I'm blessed to have two arms, two legs, ten toes, ten fingers, two eyes, um, you know, teeth, uh a nose, ears, and so I know I take things for for granted, but all that being said, is it doesn't matter who we are, where we're from, it can feel at any time like people are staring at us, and it can make us extra anxious. I mean, I still get like butterflies or whatever the word is, I still get anxious again at the beginning of the whole lead up, you know, the drive over to the event, or if I'm flying, or wherever. And all that's like, oh my gosh, what if I forget this story or you know, this part, or that part, and then when it's like, oh my gosh, all these people are looking at me, they're staring at me. Again, and most of them may just be like listening and just taking in the room, and they may be looking at somebody else. I I don't know. And so the more we can again just try to quiet that part of our mind, like, so what if they're looking at me? Big deal. And I get it, it is a big deal. It's it is a big deal, I get it. Not saying it's not a big deal. It is a big deal, for sure. But we can maybe quiet some of that background doubting, doubting of ourselves, or going, okay, so they're staring at me, big deal. I mean there's been so many times where I've had speaking engagements and classes, and where I felt like I was gonna pass out. I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm I'm getting dizzy and I'm getting weak. I'm I I'm I think I'm gonna pass out. You don't even want to know the number of times that that's happened to me. It's happened a ton. So I didn't just show up today and and and just share this information. I've gone through it, and I'm still going through it. There's still times where I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so nervous, I'm so nervous. Look at them, they're all looking at me, and I gotta do the best that I can. I'm trying trying to do the best I can, and I hope they like, you know, what what uh my uh my story or or their the experiences it still happens, it it doesn't get old. And so I'll I'll end on this. Number one, try not to worry, try not to let those thoughts come in. Just focus on what you're focusing on. If you need no cards, you need notes, take them. Who cares what people think? Who cares? Take notes. If it's gonna help you, if you're on a podcast, have notes. I don't care. I would rather you have notes and make sure you get it everything covered that you want to than for you to forget. So have notes. So the last thing I'll share for this this particular episode is I was interviewing, and I've shared this before, but it's very uh it's very important, and it is very close to what we're talking about about being nervous and staring and and all these things. So one of the interviews on our TV show and podcast, our voices for voices, TV show on podcast. If you can give us a big thumbs up, like, follow, subscribe, share, all those great things, follow us on social media. Uh you won't miss a thing there. But one of our previous episodes, one of our previous over 452 episodes, I believe, at this point, uh, was with Tyrus. And Tyrus is a former wrestler. Um, he's a he's a commentator on a TV TV channel. And he also does he does comedy, and he's a best seller, best selling author. And so during our interview, I asked him something about uh like about do you get nervous like you know when the lights are on when they're doing their show? Because they have a there's a live studio audience. Um there's let's see, one, two, three. So including the host, there's there's four other individuals uh that are that are on on the show with him. And so right, the show starts, you know, with some intro music, and then the host introduces the the the guest. Uh and then they start the show. And I said, you know, how do you get nervous or and and he goes, oh yeah, every time. And and I think he mentioned something about that's one of the misunderstood things, is he's like, oh yeah, he goes, every show I get nervous, like when the lights are on and the cameras are rolling, and knowing that millions of people are watching his show, the show he's on, uh, because that's the truth. He's on a nationally uh national uh news station, and there's millions of people that tune in. And so when he told me, he goes, Oh yeah, I get nervous all the time, every show. And and he mentioned how if you don't get nervous, you need to find something else to do. And it really kind of struck me because I'm like, well, that's kind of that's that's a different way of looking at things. He goes, I get nervous, and he's a he's a big dude, like muscles, like and so for him to say, yeah, I get nervous every time you know the camera starts rolling, and and then when it comes to me, so he's on a uh uh like a late night show, and and he and so they'll have conversations and they'll get introduced and they'll have conversations and they kind of like each take their turn, and so he has different things that he wants to talk about, and he gets nervous, and it's and he's like, Yeah, people think that you know, because whatever, like I'm a muscular person that you know that I don't have feelings and and that, and again, don't quote me on that if you you go back um to that episode. Uh, but when he said he he gets nervous, it kind of struck me. He goes, Yeah, like if you're not nervous, you know, before or even during, like, find something else to do. He goes, That's how you grow is by doing things like that. You're doing new things, and uh, you know, you're just getting better. It's practice. And so over the years, he's had as he's had a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of practice. I haven't had as much practice as he is, he has had, but I've had a lot of practice in general. And so that's all I can say is like whether it's being on a podcast, whether it's speaking in front of people, whether it's uh being at the mall or at a restaurant, and uh sitting next to a table and people, and you know, they they're it feels feels like they keep looking over at you. Uh I know it's easy for me to say, but I still go through it. Uh, but try not to worry. There's more important things in in life. So don't worry. Just don't don't worry. Just focus on what you you're gonna talk about, what you're gonna say. And it it'll get so ingrained in your mind. So it'll get so ingrained in your mind that what then you're not gonna worry about it. So we've uh we've hit the end of our show here today. I just want to say thank you for joining us. Let's celebrate the voices and all of us, and let's be a voice for ourselves and someone else in need. This has been Justin Alan Hayes with Voices for Voices, and we will see you on another episode. Bye for now.