Other People's Opinions Cost Me Years—Here's How I Stopped | Episode 501

We spend so much time scanning other people for flaws that we forget to check the one relationship that shapes every single day: how we treat ourselves. Justin Alan Hayes gets real about self-talk, compassion, and the thin line between healthy pride and empty ego, then calls out how “harmless” gossip and people-watching can quietly train us to be harsher on ourselves than we’d ever be on anyone else.

From there, the conversation turns personal and practical. Justin shares how Voices for Voices doubles as a living journal, a way to vent, process emotions, and take the weight out of your head the same way traditional journaling does. He connects that practice to long-term recovery and living substance-free, and explains why telling the truth about your own life can help at least one person feel seen and less alone.

We also dig into therapy and counseling: how to find the right fit, what to look for in a therapist, why it can take a few tries to find someone who “gets you,” and how reducing stress even a little can matter when you’re near burnout. The episode closes with a blunt reminder that other people’s opinions are a moving target, and chasing them can cost you years. If this resonates, subscribe, share the show with a friend, and leave a review so more people who feel alone can find it.

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Chapter Markers

• 0:00 Welcome And How To Support
• 1:14 Talking About Yourself Without Ego
• 3:41 Why Gossip Feels So Easy
• 7:04 The Show As A Healing Journal
• 14:47 Not Alone And Finding Inner Strength
• 25:50 What To Look For In Therapy
• 36:06 Stop Worrying What Others Think
• 40:20 Healthy Habits And Final Thanks

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Transcript

Welcome And How To Support

Justin Alan Hayes, Voices for Voices 0:01

Hi everyone, it's Justin here Voices for Voices. Thank you so much for joining us in this episode of the show. Whether you're watching, listening, here in the United States or abroad, thank you so much for making Voices for Voices, what it is. Um it's just uh incredible the following, the love and support that we get on a day-to-day basis from you, our listeners, our viewers. Uh, if you can help us out, follow us on social media, give us a big thumbs up, like, follow, subscribe, share, repost, and if you could reach out to 25 contacts in your phone and let them know about the Voices for Voices organization and the Voices for Voices TV show and podcast. We are the hottest podcast and TV show on the planet. So if you could help us continue that uh activity, we'd greatly appreciate that. Thank you for joining us.

Talking About Yourself Without Ego

Justin Alan Hayes, Voices for Voices 1:14

So we're gonna talk a little bit about a little bit about ourselves. There's a there's a song that is out where the the singer artist is talking about not minding talking about others, but it it would be nice if he would get to talk about himself sometimes. And so that's one opinion. I I think probably partially that where do we how do we treat ourselves before we say we want to talk about ourselves, how do we treat ourselves on on a day-to-day basis? That I think is the key. How do we think about our challenges, our successes? Because there's a fine line between being and and and thinking that we're the greatest things in sliced bread. It's an analogy and or actually, or just giving ourselves I don't know, that proverbial pat on the back, or saying it's okay, it's okay where I'm at, it's okay what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can.

Why Gossip Feels So Easy

Justin Alan Hayes, Voices for Voices 3:41

You know, whether it's in the professional realm or personal realm, you know, we we would probably call it gossip. You know, talking about others, what others are doing, what others are wearing. And I think we think about that gossip, we might not say, oh, we're thinking about gossip. We might not say that particular word. But people watching talking about, oh, did you see what he was wearing? Did you see what he did? What she did? Why would she wear those shoes? Why would he wear that shirt? Why would he wear that hat? Why would he pick that car? You see what I'm getting at? It's it's much easier to talk about and think about others and what we might think are their faults. Listen, we all have faults. None of us are perfect. None of us are perfect. So when we talk about others and uh oh, I'm not going to talk about this idea or that idea because that person did this or that. That's fine. We have we have that option, we have that choice. But I'm talking about right here, right now. How do we how do we think about what we're doing? Are we happy with the work that we do? I am to some people they may say, oh no. That that couldn't be fun at all. Or, you know, these dumb videos, these stupid shows. Heard it. Heard it. I've heard that before. But this stupid show is and has an incredible following, and that's thanks to you. See, we don't do these shows for our uh just for our our health. Cause

The Show As A Healing Journal

Justin Alan Hayes, Voices for Voices 7:04

I know let me talk about the health part. When we do shows, we do partially do them for our health. It's a way of sharing, venting a video or a listening diary, we could call it, of our lives. But in addition to that, we talk about helping one person. I already know I've helped one person, that we've helped one person, because I've helped myself by our TV show and podcast. And it's not to say, oh, I'm so good. It's not that at all. It's that again, we all have flaws, we all have things that yeah, that are flaws. I do too. I have a lot of them. Too many to count. But what I try to do in those moments that I can like this is to just talk and just be real and you know, real talk, you know, real feelings, real thoughts. And so we talk about how do we how do we treat ourselves after we do something that makes us feel good. For me, that's helping people when I know that I'm helping someone, and then I know I'm at least helping myself by talking through issues, topics, experiences, events, life, feelings, emotions, all those, all those, I know that I'm helping myself. It's not to be greedy, but just to be just to be transparent. It's one of the things I learned about in therapy. You know, we talk about journaling and how that's helpful, how we can take things outside of the brain from the brain and put it on paper, and if we're gonna hold on to it, we can. If we want to not hold on to it, we we can do that too. But just getting it out of our mind, out of our head is very helpful, and that's what I've been taught over these nine years where I'm continuing to learn how to live substance-free, which is predominantly alcohol free. And so we're helping people, we're helping again. And so, how does that make me feel? Makes me feel good, makes me feel like I've taken a little bit, a little bit off my shoulders, a little bit out of my mind, out of out of my head that I might carry around if I if I don't find a productive way of getting it out of my out of my mind, I guess we're gonna call it. So we already know we have flaws. And so when we do and have moments, we can stop and go, okay. This feels this feels good talking about this or sharing this, or whatever this is for you. For me, a lot of it is to show it in a way chronicles my life through me and through our guests that we have. Some might not be comfortable doing that. That's okay. What makes you feel good? There's gotta be something. There's gotta be something. When you do it, it makes you feel good and go, Oh, I want to do that again. And for me, part of it is the Voices for Voices TV Sean Podcast. Incredibly helpful to me. Because as much as I try to journal, actually physically writing, I'm able to. I'm I'm thankful and grateful that I'm able to. I guess putting my life, experiences, everything, putting that together in a show format, in a podcast format. This is basically my journal through the eyes and the lens of me and the guests that we have on our show. And so that's why I'm so adamant about wanting to help people. Helping one person, or are you doing that? That's where that huge goal that we came up with where we want to reach and help at least three billion people over the course of my lifetime and

Not Alone And Finding Inner Strength

Justin Alan Hayes, Voices for Voices 14:47

beyond. That's billion with a B. That's three billion people. It's a lot of people. We can't do it alone, and we haven't been doing it alone. It's because of you, other organizations saying, you know what, it this is this is pretty helpful, or it could be very helpful to some people in my network, some people in my phone, in my contacts, could be helpful. And so I would say thinking about myself and those positive moments, like now. Okay, I'm nervous, but I over the the course of all our episodes. Well, there's there's some guests where I I get extra, extra stressed and nervous and anxious about uh but when I'm just talking, there's a there's a sense of peace and serenity because I know I'm taking ideas, events, experiences from my head, and I'm able to share. And then at the very least, I'm sharing them. So they're getting out of my head, and there just might be one person, one additional person that maybe or has gone through something says to themselves, you know what? I thought I was the only one. I thought it was just me. And here's this here's this dude on this show. He's talking about these things, and I can relate to that. I forget what show I I was watching the other day. Oh, it was yeah, it was actually a trial in uh the counselor, therapist, however you want to refer, was going through these diagnoses that she was uncovering for for this patient. And there were a lot of things that I connected with and so the person that was getting these diagnoses through these assessment methods I was feeling, and this was like through the TV, I was like, oh wow, that's what these mean. That's what some additional areas of my diagnoses mean. And yes, that's me. A lot of it was very I don't know, it yeah, just connected and I just started to think, wow, that's me. So that person who was being diagnosed with certain uh mental challenges we'll call it was not alone. And so I even at age forty-four nine years removed from the old life. I'm still learning more about me from others from others, not mothers, others. And so if I could talk to that individual, I I I would tell them and share that you're not the only one going through what you're going through. And there just might be someone watching and listening to Voices for Voices to our TV show and podcast that may say, ah, Justin, you're not alone. And so we g we we should be able to treat ourselves with compassion, loving, uh kindness. Again, we're we're putting the flaws aside. We're talking about how we're not alone in life. It may seem like we are. And with a lot of the work that I do, it seems like it's a lot. Like, I'm the only one going through this. And so then I'll have my days of despair, I guess we call it. But then I'll find strength from somewhere to continue. And so I I don't I don't know where that strength comes from. I think it comes from God for me. I'm a believer, but you don't have to be to follow us, watch us, listen to us, buy our books, donate to our organization. It's have to be a human being. That's it. A human being that can say and think, wow, I am not alone. And you know what? You're right. You're not alone. I'm not alone. That individual that was being diagnosed that I mentioned, they're not alone. So a little more kindness, a little more grace, a little more patience with ourselves is going to go a long way. I'm not talking about just how others will then see us, perceive us, watch us, listen to us. I'm talking about how we see ourselves, hear ourselves. And I'll tell you this. Sometimes, for me, a lot of times, I get so down into the weeds. I'm like, are we making a difference? Are we doing this? That when I actually look up and I go, Oh my gosh, how did we get this far? You know my answer is you, our viewers, our listeners, people commenting, people volunteering, people we meet all across the world. And so we continue doing it because it makes me feel good that I can be and we can be a light to those who need it. I talk about this a lot. Somebody's thinking the life isn't cut out for them. When we talk about helping one person, I'd say helping one person stay away from that ledge, seek

What To Look For In Therapy

Justin Alan Hayes, Voices for Voices 25:50

counseling, and on this counseling, therapy, whatever we want to call it. There's a lot of people out there, a lot of counselors, a lot of therapists. Number one, in my opinion, and with my experience of therapy, consistently, often they let me talk, they let me share. Kinda like this. Kinda like our voices for voices, TV show and podcast. They let me talk, they listen, they jump in when they need to. And so for me, that's the type of therapist I need is one that will listen to me, that won't bombard me with a lot of things. Because part of me, when that happens, if I get bombarded, I get really stressed, I get burnt out, and then I just shut down. I'm like, there's just so much here. I I don't know. I'm just gonna move on to the next thing. So you gotta find your style. You gotta find that ahead of time. Because when when you're when you're sitting, either in person, standing in person, virtually, however, you have to you have to know what what you want to get out of that therapy, counseling, relationship. I don't know that you know we can be really fixed. We can be given ideas and thoughts and coping mechanisms and that. But at the end of the day, it comes down to us. So think about what kind of person, what kind of attributes you would want them to have. So that when you're actually meeting with them, you can think to yourself, okay, this jives with what I what I need, or maybe not. And I mentioned there's a lot of therapists, a lot of the counselors out there. You may have to go through two, three, or four or so counselors or therapists until you have that, you know, that match where it's like, all right, they get me. They let they let me talk. They listen, they give feedback. That's how I that's how I know, or have a good idea that I'm be sticking with psychiatrist or therapist, counselor. So you gotta know that ahead of time. Because you're getting billed, your insurance is getting billed, and you're having to copay, maybe. Um, and so the more you can have an idea in your mind, the better off you're gonna be, and the less time you're gonna spend going, okay, I've had seven visits, but I I don't know if we really connect that this is what I need. That's seven co-pays, that's seven, what insurance isn't gonna pay. And if you don't have insurance, there's been times I haven't had insurance. It's gotta find a way. And when you have a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist that are that's gonna work with you, that shows you compassion, kindness, that's when you know that you found the right, the right person for this. So you gotta find out what you're you're seeking, what you're looking for, what your end game is. You know, people ask me, Justin, how long are you gonna go to therapy and and all that and and and the things? I say, I don't know, I'm probably gonna go the rest of my life. Because I know what the other side looks like for me, and it's not healthy, or it's less healthy ever we want to put terms on these words, these definitions. So that's the huge thing, and there's people out there that really care. You might think, well, they let they just let me talk. They didn't they just listen. Maybe that works for you, maybe it doesn't. If you're thinking, I thought they would say something, I thought they would say more. These people, this is their career, their job, their profession. So they're listening to you. Chances are, with their training and background and experience, listening to you, they may have thought about and said that that's what this that's what this patient needs. This is what this person needs. They don't need me interrupting all the time. And then secondly and lastly, it is always hard at the beginning. Right, when you're trying something new. The more we do it, the more we go. The more we the more we believe in ourselves. Then that's gonna go over into our our therapy counseling sessions and then we're gonna be more confident. There's gonna be a little bit less stress. Again, it doesn't solve everything. Doesn't solve everything at all. But just a little bit of less stress can mean the world. Especially if you or I are on the brink of burn burnout and going, oh my gosh, how am I gonna get through this? So build your team like a coach builds their team.

Stop Worrying What Others Think

Justin Alan Hayes, Voices for Voices 36:07

It's just, you know, build your team. The people that professionally it's their job to help you and I. And look, we gotta get over ourselves in what other people think. That that's I said lastly before the other point. But this is lastly, we gotta get over ourselves, we have to get over. Well, this person said this about me, or I wonder what they're thinking. I've been there. How do I look? How do I sound? How am I driving? How am I? And I had to get over that didn't mean that any of those are perfect. Absolutely not. We all have flaws, I have flaws, but we just don't let that gossip I talked about at the beginning of the show. We don't let it work bother us as much. It's about how we can say, get by in this life, and not be so concerned what others think. Cause it doesn't matter. No matter how popular somebody may seem, how much money, cars, uh, mansions, yachts, airplanes, helicopters, however, you want to measure that, we could have all those things and still be empty inside. And just because somebody has those things doesn't mean that they're always the nicest person to others, they may flaunt those types of things, yeah. And you might think, oh, well, so and so is talking about me, or I wonder what they think, or I'm never gonna attain this goal, or we gotta get started, we gotta get past that. It's hard, it's not easy, it's hard. But let me tell you, once you get moving, then you're gonna be like me, and nine years later, go, wow, spend nine years or longer, like my friend Don Mattis Jr., forty years sober. He said he looked back and he's like, oh my gosh, forty years. So everybody has a thing, and I'm not talking that you have to go sober. I'm not talking. Find your thing, find your things that you like to do to make you feel good, to make you feel like you know what, I don't care what others think. Again, we're talking about healthy things, not illegal things. So I have to put that disclaimer in there.

Healthy Habits And Final Thanks

Justin Alan Hayes, Voices for Voices 40:20

So thank you for joining us on this episode of The Voices for Voices TV show and podcast. Give us those big thumbs up, like, follow, subscribe, share, repost, follow us on social media, reach out to 25, 50, 100 of your contacts and your phone, let them know about the show. And we are grateful and thankful for you joining us, and we look forward to the next show coming to you, and uh just uh so grateful to have the demand of our shows be what it is for us to continue doing what we're doing. It's very, very, very humbling. So thank you for that. So until next time, let's celebrate the voices of the world and let's be a voice for ourselves and maybe somebody else in need that's not able to do so. Take care, bye bye for now.