The Words That Are Destroying Your Discipline (Most Men Don’t Notice This)

Why do so many men struggle with discipline even when they know what to do?

The answer may be hidden in the language they're using every day.

In this episode of The Highly Effective Man Podcast, JP Bolwahnn sits down with Mark England, creator of Enlifted Coaching, to explore how the words we use — both out loud and internally — shape our identity, behavior, and results.

Mark explains how subtle language patterns like “I’ll try,” “I should,” or “I have to” quietly weaken our mindset and reinforce limiting beliefs.

For men who want to operate with higher standards in their health, leadership, and life, this episode reveals a powerful insight:

Change your language, and you change your identity.

Topics Covered:

• The connection between language and mindset
 • Why internal dialogue drives behavior
 • How identity is built through the words we use
 • The phrases that sabotage discipline
 • How to rewrite the story you’re telling yourself

If you're serious about becoming a Highly Effective Man, this conversation will change how you think about mindset.

Free Discipline Audit: audit.thehighlyeffectiveman.com

Free Mini-Course: minicourse.thehighlyeffectiveman.com

Book a call with JP: book.thehighlyeffectiveman.com

Transcript

Welcome And Guest Setup

SPEAKER_04 0:01

Welcome to the Highly Effective Man podcast, hosted by former Navy SEAL turned life and fit coach. I'm your host, JP Bullont. This podcast is your resource for unlocking the healthiest, most productive, highly effective men within you. Let's go. All right, guys. Welcome back to the Highly Effective Man podcast. Today's guest is a friend of mine, Mark Englund. He's the creator of Enlisted Coaching. Mark is known for his work around how language we use both outside, out loud, and inside our heads shapes our identity, our habits, and ultimately the life we live. So for men listening to this show, this conversation matters because discipline, confidence, and leadership don't just come from the workouts that we do or the routines that we do. They start with the story that you're telling yourself, right? And Mark has worked with world-class athletes, entrepreneurs, coaches, high performers from around the world to help them clean up their internal dialogue and upgrade the language that drives their behavior. So, Mark, welcome to the Highly Effective Man podcast. JP, thanks for having me. Thanks for listening, everybody. Yeah, awesome. Um it's it's I know it's been a while that we've been talking about doing this and we finally got our schedules lined up. Uh, but I think there's gonna be a lot of value that that you bring to the table. Um, and I think that a lot of people don't know about like what you do. And I mean, I know a lot of people know about what you do, but I think there's so much value in your coaching and the things that you've done. I mean, just from my experiences, um it was something that was very transforming for me and the way I thought about you know certain things in my life. So how did you originally become interested in the connection between language and performance?

The One Word Reframe Moment

SPEAKER_00 2:06

At the intersection of need and interest. So need, I was in, I was in, I was in some some great need of improving the story that I was telling myself about all kinds of things, also known as as mindset, or our definition of mindset. There's a time in my life where uh I was can I cuss on here? Yeah, I was fucking miserable. I was just miserable a miserable, pathetic person because my identity the first identity I really really gravitated to. Um and there was it was it was a similar situation as far as um good timing and then just a natural interest, interest for it. I wrestled in high school and um got into uh Brazilian jujitsu in 1996. We had Paul Creighton as um one of our he was he was teaching a a foundational phys ed class at the university that I was an undergrad at my first semester, and for whatever, like I just he was he was our our tea my teacher for that. And the first day of class, and this guy went on, um, he's a third degree black belt under Henzo now. He fought BJ Penn for the title, lightweight title, uh in I think it was 2006 in the UFC. So anyway, I was good. Um he goes, Are there any uh any wrestlers in the room? And I raised my hand and he goes, Brazilian jujitsu twice a week, Tuesday and Thursday in the auditorium. You should come. I was like, cool, I'll come. And that was the first time I ever got choked out. And pinning someone, that's cool. I pinned you, you pin. This was something very different. I was like, I see the practicality of this on impact. And so I just I got I got obsessed with it and um started competing and and won a couple of state kickboxing titles, and I was doing well on the local amateur MMA scene and moved to Thailand for a year, and I was gonna live over there for a year, sharpen up them elbows, and come back and go pro. And that's totally not what happened. I ended up living over there for 10 years, which still sounds weird to say. Um and yeah, dude, so wild, you know. I I remember, do you remember um that song One Night? I forget who sings it, one night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble. You remember that? One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That dude, I remember listening to that as a kid and just thinking that must be the the worst place in the world. It sounded like hell on earth from that that song. And and I still laugh about that anyway. I ended up living in Bangkok for five years. Um, moved over there and jacked my knee up and then jacked my knee up again and had a couple of knee surgeries, and the whole thing was done. And uh darkness descended. And I just I just lit a dumpster fire of a victim mentality, man. I had I had all the evidence, not saying it was accurate. I just had all the proof of all the reasons that I was that the people that did me wrong and the stuff things, everything to blame, including my genetics and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And uh, I don't think I laughed for an entire year. That's that's a rough, that's a rough one. When you that's a rough one when you can you can't muster a like a legit laugh, much less a not about a smile to begin with. Anyway, and so yeah, one night I was at a an emotional detoxification workshop down on the island of Thailand, excuse me, down on the island of Kosum Way in the Gulf of Thailand, Operation Kosum Way, if uh for the Ben Stiller movie, meet the Meet the Fuckers, Meet the Parents, um that place. And uh, I found myself in a in a workshop that I would have never gone to if I wasn't trying to fix myself, man, because I got tired of being miserable. And that's a very that's a very that's a lot of there's a lot of comeback stories um that start there or have that in some part of the origin story. You just get so tired of something being intolerable, and then might figure out how to improve it. Um you definitely won't sitting on the couch um watching CNN or Fox News. Yeah, so I watched this guy um take this woman's very bad breakup story and and judo chop it. He had her tell it three different times or three, he had her tell it, he had her tell it, and then he got down and tell it again, and he got down to the one sentence that held the whole thing together, which was he did that to me. And he had her repeat that sentence three times in a row, and she was annoyed at the last the the the last time she he did that to me, like yes, this is factual, this is what happened, and then he goes, take out that last word and put in the word himself and it it was a very clunky delivery and it went up at the end, which is up talk. He he he did that to himself, and then the breath unlocks because that's what happens when we start to dismantle the victim mentality, which I'll recite by definition here in a in a in a pinch. Um he did, he did do that to himself, and and then she went on to talk about how he lost a bunch of friends and it was never gonna work out anyway, and he was actually really weird. But because the way she was wording the story that she was telling herself about the thing for four years, and it could have been 44 years. If the words stay the same, then the story stays the same. And if the story stays the same, then the perspective stays the same. So one of the things we've made uh, you know, for we're we're very much under the radar, and for the people that know about us, and especially our coaches and the people that they work with that use the our our tech, uh you know, we uh people appreciate what we do because we make shit super simple. That's one of our calling cards. Is how basic of a conversation can we have about mindset? Because oddly enough, or not so oddly enough, there's not many people in that space talking about mindset in the most simple elementary school PE teacher way, and that's that's we've made a business and a brand off of that, yeah. Um yeah, and so I was like, that was cool as shit, what he did with that that sentence with that one word, took that one out, plucked that one in, and and her the whole thing just changed. And I was like, Whoa, I've got some he did that to me stories, and uh, and that was in 2003. And I was an elementary school PE teacher in Bangkok for the first five years in Thailand, and then great gig. I've only had two quote unquote real jobs, um, or or professional jobs, serious jobs, however, whatever you want to say. So that and then this work, which I've been doing for the past 19 years, and then and then yeah, so I raked some leaves in between college shifts and cut some grass. I delivered pizza for little Caesars, but pizza pizza, dude. That cornbread, it used to be really good. I wouldn't trust that, you know, because it's gonna be some glycophosphates in there. There's gonna be some glycophosphates in there now, but it was really good back then. I think it's Monsanto. Anyway, um, yeah, and then and so it's just like jujitsu, this thing, for whatever reason, and interest isn't a choice, attraction's not a choice. Um, you know, we're interested in what we're interested in, we're attracted to what we're attracted to. It's I do see it as a gift. Uh and yeah, this thing has held my attention since that that that day. I just something about it. The work is is it's fascinating. And a lot of other adjectives too, but we'll just we'll go with that. So that's the sh that's the that's a yeah, that's the story.

Mindset As Story Plus Writing

SPEAKER_04 11:40

Uh yeah, I and I agree with you, man. I think um before I met you, I did a a life coaching school, and it was like online-based, and it was, you know, a lot of it was okay, you have these facts, these circumstances, and then it's your thoughts around those circumstances that determine your feelings, which will then determine your actions, which then eventually eventually determine your results. Right. And if you want different results, well, you got to have different actions, you got to have different feelings, you gotta have different thoughts. And and the facts will stay the same no matter what they are, right? Um, but what I really found interesting when after I met you and and and actually, you know, taking your level one was that how it just takes it that one step further, because because our thoughts are formed by the words that we use, right? And if we can look at those thoughts, you know, by journaling or whatever, and then changing those words, even though it's it's still the same thought in a way, but you're changing the word, which then creates a wholly, totally different outcome or feeling, right? And I thought for me, that was like, wow, this is this is like really powerful. And and and like you said, like I I haven't heard, I don't know if I've heard you say that, but it's it's simple and and and repeatable. And uh I think it's such a it's a good way to to transform a person's mindset or maybe thoughts around a certain time in their life or something that's going on. And so I I I think it's it's really awesome what you're doing. Thanks, buddy.

SPEAKER_00 13:39

And and really it's it's the only way thought has ever been changed is by using different words. There's a lot of ways to describe it. Oh, I changed my mind. You mean you're using different words, right? I see things differently now. You mean you're using different words, right? I've I've had a cognitive shift. You mean you're using different word words. That was quite the reframe. You're using different words. That's that's what that is. And we relentlessly and repeatedly go for the lowest common denominator in the room when it comes to mindset, which is the words that we're using. Here's a fun exercise, everybody. It's relevant. Uh go go out there and grab one of your friends who's, and this is the words that they use, really big on mindset, and go, hey, what's mindset? What is it? And get some popcorn. And get some popcorn. No, for real. And and you're probably going to get crickets or some long-winded big picture explanation of stuff with a lot of philosophy and potentially a side order of neuroscience. We would think, could think that something that's talked about as much as mindset would have a standardized definition. And trust me, it doesn't. I might hold the world's record for the most amount of definitions of mindset read in a single sitting. I drank a cup of coffee about a year ago and sat down and read 143 different definitions of mindset. And some of them are, yeah, we can, okay, that that's we can have a conversation about that. That's that's that's a good working definition, all the way to complicated as hell by design, in my opinion. Because if you want to some people could call me accurately, uh a conspiracy theorist, a long time person in that in those conversations. Uh if you want to could and you don't even have to be just look at it. If if if you want to control, look at look at how the presidential speeches are worded, or look at how um the news outlets uh word things. If you want to control people, groups, individuals, nation states, make shit complicated. First things first, make things complicated, which will confuse them. And once they're confused, they're easy to control. So it's complicate, confuse, control. I've got it out in the um I wasn't, I wasn't, I didn't have all my thinking caps on. I'll walk out there and get it in a second while we're on the on this on this call. Um, I've got a copy of the World War II OSS field book for sabotage behind for uh uh guerrilla warfare sabotage behind enemy lines in in World War II. And and the main thing is just make everything complicated. Town from town hall meetings to you name it. And it's called the the simple handbook. So it's simple. You want to you want to wreck something, make it complicated. That's the simple, short version of it. And I've also got a copy of the DSM 5 out there, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the American Psychiatric Association. You wouldn't want that thing falling out of a hitting you on your head, um, which is super complicated. And it starts with a super complicated definition. And then you start looking at this, you're like, wait a minute. How about how about we have a simple working definition of mindset? And and I'm I'm not I'm not here to win. I'm here to participate. And in my personal professional opinion, the enlisted definition of mindset is the most, it's the best because it's the most simple. Mindset is the story that you tell yourself. That's it. Your client's mindset is the story that they tell themselves. You're let's and it depends, whatever you're coaching someone on. Let's say you're a finance coach. Your client's financial mindset is the story they're telling themselves about their money. Uh, how about dads? It's the story they're telling themselves about their being a father, and then it just branches out from there. The, you know, oh, you know, they trust me, dads have stories about their spouses. And and most of those stories uh are kept in the head. And stories that are kept, that that's where 99.99% of the people keep the scary stories. And there's a big difference between stories kept in the head, everybody, and stories that are written down. So we are very big on getting the words out and staring at them and then playing with them. Um, so this is this is there's there's similarities and there's also differences with your general journaling. Generalized journaling is a general writing about something. Okay. Anyway, Alan Watts would approve. Alan Watts would approve. So Alan Watts is the the greatest Zen teacher uh that the West has ever had and will ever have, in my opinion. And he said, when we learn to think about our thinking, we become alive in a new way. And most people are not thinking about their thinking, they're just thinking. There's a difference. Most people are not staring at the words that they're using or observing the words that they're using, they're being run over by them, hijacked by them. And it's it's um, this is a this is a uh this is a real statistic. It's a million trillion times easier to think about your thinking or observe the words you're using once they're on paper versus in your head.

unknown 20:27

True.

SPEAKER_00 20:27

So there's there's three forms of story, uh, three speeds of storytelling. Stories in the head go the fastest. Stories that are spoken, that's the middle speed. And then stories that are written down, that's the slowest form of storytelling that we have. And because it's slower, you get more detail, and the devil is in the details. And and so that's a good thing. So people start writing about something, and they get more words out in a more structured, organized way. I I'll rant on this for another nine 90 seconds and I give it back to you. So stories kept in the head, they swirl, they go really fast, they're seemingly infinite, they're extremely disorganized compared to once they're written down. Um very hard to digest. Psychological and emotional indigestion is a real thing. So stories kept in the head. The story is in the person, the person is in the story in some weird metaphysical way. I don't understand, nor do I need to. Story is written down. Now it's externalized. Now it's finite, as in there's there's the first word, there's the last word, and then there's all the words in between. It's still not moving. Story in the head moves. And um, and then especially if you're working with someone, both you and the person you're working with. With can look at that the same set of words, it it it it's a it's prof profoundly clarifying. When it comes to helping people change the story that they're telling themselves, and that story is made of words and breath. Now we're into the breath conversation. Good luck separating those two things. It ain't happening. Yeah. That was a lot.

Why Nobody Teaches This

SPEAKER_04 22:24

No, I think um it's true. It's it when you talk about the words, I think that those were two of the biggest things that you need, and like you just mentioned breath. I talk a lot about breath as well because it's it's amazing how just one big low and slow deep breath can change everything on how you are talking, the way you're feeling, and um the way you think, right? And um, and so with the words and the breath, I mean, you've got something very powerful um that I think most people or a lot of people do not take advantage of, right? Because they don't know.

SPEAKER_00 23:14

Which which brings up, I agree with you a thousand percent, which which also brings up another interesting point. Why don't we know about this? Why don't why don't why because it's not rocket science by any stretch of the imagination. Right. Uh it's simply an education issue. It's it's it's not an intelligence issue, it's not a deservance issue, it's an education issue. And I've never met one person, I've got a master's degree in education. I brought brought up in the public school system, so I know about it on both sides of the fence, and I can take a shit on it. Um I I've never met, and I've asked, I've never met one person that said they had a course class, even a conversation in high school English class about how to use their words to stay focused on what's important and keep the drama low and build themselves up in their imagination and create feelings of confidence and competence. And oh, while you're at it, unlock your breath because that happens when the victim mentality gets dismantled. Um I've never met anyone that has said, yeah, I yeah, I've had a cool class on that. Yeah, because it no, it's all about past participles and Christopher Columbus do. It's like, what? Or you know, other stuff that I I don't, dude. I'm I'm I'll never need to know what a past participle is. Yeah, the chances of me needing to know in my mind, I'm thinking like, what's a past participle? When it's like, what do I need? Yeah, when did that come up in a conversation? When did that come up like when you're asking a girl out? When did that come up when uh you know your dad dies? When when does that come up when um you're thinking about buying a trailer? When it just it's like No. But people are are lighting their heads on fire with the words they're using, the stories they're creating, and yeah, they don't know how to put them out. You know, my my life is out of control. So mechanically speaking, when someone says my life is out of control, I know what they're saying. They're saying that the stories, the scary stories are in my head, they're going really fast on repeat, and my breath is trapped in my chest. When someone creates that scenario through lack of education, lack of knowledge, that's how they describe it.

SPEAKER_03 25:57

That's how they describe it. Yeah.

Victim Mentality Defined At Word Level

SPEAKER_04 26:01

Well, you've talked about um words and and soft talk, right? What are some of the most common phrases people say that are actually hurting them? Very good question.

Negations And Projections That Fuel Stress

Soft Talk And Ending Indecision

SPEAKER_00 26:17

Um how about how about we we back into that with the verbatim definition of the victim mentality? Yeah, sound good? Yeah, yeah. So most people have never heard the definition of the victim mentality, everybody, uh, much less written it down. And there's this thing called the learning pyramid, 30, 50, 80. We remember 30% of what we hear, 50% of what we write, and 80% of what we turn around, teach, share, explain. So I'm gonna recite the definition of the victim mentality twice. I challenge you, invite you, dare you, to get a pen and a piece of paper and write it down. Because once it's you just get more out of it. And this is something, I mean, this is this is how most people get into working on themselves through some of the effects of the victim mentality. Feeling like you're not good enough. Uh got got got some got some problems with the wifey, um, stuck in this one area of your life. You don't know why. Uh, feelings of existential dread. Uh uh. All the all the physical markers that come along with chronic upregulation, redlining, breath trapped in your chest, sympathetic nervous system response. Because there ain't nothing more uh stressful, generally speaking, and chronically speaking, than the victim mentality. So, anyway, here's the definition twice. I'll do it slow the first time, and then I'll speed it up the second time and add some polish to it, and then I'll give some examples of uh the words that the victim mentality depends on. So here it is, everybody. Pen to paper if you want to. The victim mentality is an acquired personality trait where a person tends to regard himself or herself as the victim of the negative actions of others, even in the absence of clear evidence. The victim mentality depends on a habitual thought process and attributions. That's slow. Here it is, fast. The victim mentality is an acquired personality trait where a person tends, it's a tendency, everybody. Sometimes it's up, sometimes it's down. A person tends to regard himself or herself as the victim of the negative actions of others, even in the absence of clear evidence. The second sentence, right between the eyes, right where it belongs. The victim mentality depends, circle that word on a habitual, underline that word, thought process and attributions. So the victim mentality depends, as in it has to have a habitual, which accurately implies duration and addiction. Thought process. What's a thought process? Glad you asked. It's how you put your words together. That's that's that's that's what that is. We all got one. And then attributions. What's an attribution? It's a characteristic. And after the words that the victim mentality has to have in there in order to be created, uh the the characteristic that we pay attention to most after that, it's really only two we pay attention to and lift it, is the breathing. It's the breathing. And push comes to shove, it's about the breath. Push comes to shove, it's about the breath. We're known as the language people. That's cool. And I'm I'm there to help people unlock their breath. Because the words are words, and not just our words. That's what traps the breast in the first breath in the first place. You know, we inherit we inherit our parents' breathing mechanics, our breathing breathing patterns. And we also gift it to our children. Talk more about that. Um, but yeah, that's the most people have never heard the verbatim definition of the victim mentality. I've shared it with a lot of people over the years. I've been teaching with it verbatim since 2013. And a lot of times, light bulbs go off, man. Like, oh, that makes sense. And then when you give them that verbatim definition and then then go right into the just basic word, hey, what words? What thought process? Words. What words have to be in there? And we'll start with um negations. So there's four components of conflict language. And um, you've taken core language upgrade, JP. Yeah, we reshot that. So we we we produced that in 2015, and it it really landed when we went on barbell shrugged. It's it's an online course, everybody. We we retired the brand, same coaching tech. It's cool name, core language upgrade. And yeah, when when Barbell Shrug dropped in in spring 2017, and did we were on fumes for years. We sold a lot of those courses. Anyway, um, there's four components to conflict language, and we had to reshoot core language upgrade because we we had initially called it victim mentality language. And we're like, that's a little too strong of a place to start the conversation. So, anyway, there's four pillars of conflict language: negations, projections, dramatics, and soft talk. Um, and then the main three to look at are negations, projections, soft talk. What's a negation? Negations is it's how people worry. So, you know, why do I worry so much about stuff? Okay. It's a question. And it'll get, in my opinion, very likely a mediocre answer based on what you get from answering that question, right? Versus how do I worry about stuff so much? Why do I worry versus how do I worry? I want to know how I'm doing it. And the how is with these set, this small set of words can't, won't, isn't, not, don'ts, shouldn't, should uh haven'ts, hasn't. There's not many of them. So what it does is it forces people to stare at the scary shit. My grandmother had a third degree black belt in worrying. And um, oh, I don't want anything bad to happen to you and your sister in Richmond. You everybody hear that don't? So what that what does that do? It forces her to stare at what she doesn't want to have happen to us in Richmond versus saying, and it takes some more elbow grease, you got to think about it. Uh, okay, well, how do you want me to live my life in Richmond? Tell me, tell me, tell me what you do want to have happen. Uh uh and we I know I didn't have never had those conversations with her because I wasn't into this this work back then, but um I I can't keep focusing on my past. There's a picture of me focusing on my past. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna go in the house and immediately start arguing with my wife. And when you when you slow the whole thing down, you look at it, you're like, wait a minute. So it forces you to stare at you walking into the house and arguing with your wife. Right. You know, right. I'm I'm I'm I'm not um I don't want to ru get drunk and ruin the uh Thanksgiving dinner like I did last year. And so there's a picture of I just make a picture of me what I did last year. Whoops, don't want to do that again. But whoops, there's another picture of it. And it's it's these micro stress. My driving teacher said he said, look where you want to go, because you're probably gonna go there. So there's that. There's projections. So that takes a little bit of takes a little bit of, and I'm I'll I'll tell you all where to start. Uh and there's projections. Those that's where that's where most of the venom is. Those are the ones that people have the most attachment to because those are the ones, generally speaking, it's almost exclusively speaking, those are the ones that create the most the strongest stress response in people. And the key words are uh you, they, she, he, um people's first names, mom and dad, the government. Um she won't let me live my life. So there's a picture. So she won't let me. She and me. So that tells me there's gonna be two people in the picture, minimum, and she's doing something to me and getting in my way, and it creates the victim villain dynamic. My husband never cleans up around the house. Okay, and that's got a dramatic in there. That's a never. Um my husband, my husband always interrupts me. Okay. There's like it's okay, so husband and me. There's so there's gonna be in that picture, there's going in that little movie, there's going to be the husband and there's gonna be the wife, and the husband's interrupting her again. And a lot of times people create very distorted, skewed stories about what's going on, piss themselves off, and then drag other people into it. You know, my my dad always talks to me like a child. Dad talking to me like a child, even though I'm a grown-ass man. And um, she she needs to stop wasting my time. You know, versus I need to stop wasting my time. Come on, come on, everybody. We're all we're all we're it's this is this is this is this is the boys here. Who's who wastes more of our time than us? It's there's not even a close second. Right. I I need I need you to respect me versus I need me to respect me. Dad always talks to me like a child. No, I always talk to me like a child. It's a it's it is a stiff drink. It is it's 180 proof at the bar. Yeah, right in your face. Right in right in your face. Um okay, yeah. So uh here's a here's a story, projections with a with a projection in it. Um, this woman came in, this is years ago. And I still tell the story because it's such a good example. And sometimes it plucks people right in the nose, especially if I have them write this or or if I suggest them to write the sentence down. So this woman comes in, sits down, and she was very self-aware. She goes, Um I've had the same relationship with five different men, and I'm pretty sure it's coming from my childhood. And I go, cool. Tell me about this pattern with the men. She did. And it brought up this energy. You've seen me do this. It's not this, this ain't rocket science either. Um this lump in her chest. And I asked her, when was the first time you ever felt that lump in your chest? She went straight to it. When they sat her down at the kitchen table when she was nine and told her and her little brother that they're getting a divorce. People re children people remember that that moment in time if it if they experience it, and for whatever we reason, half the time it's in the kitchen sitting down. Um and yeah, her dad, her dad had an affair, and he left. She didn't see him for a couple of years, and mom talked hella shit about him to her. And you know, these are not uncommon stories, you know. Um, and so and so we what we got back to that that specific event that guess where that story had been since it happened in her head. And so there's when I said journaling, let me circle back to that because it's important. If if people journal about something, most of the time it's a general description of what happened and they leave the words there. And half the time it's a net negative. It's like, see, here's the proof. Look at what happened to me right then. See, I've got I got look, I got it in writing. Good. I'm glad that it's out of your head. And that's just the first step because you can do so much with the words once they're once they're written down. It's just it's it's so much easier than trying to navigate stories in the head, anyway. Uh, and we got that story titled and written down. So we titled the story of uh uh kitchen talk, and she wrote out what happened. That's very different than writing about her childhood in a general way. And there was a couple other specific memories she saw her family or her mom and dad get uh physical with each other a couple of times. Kids remember those things too, and we titled those and wrote them out, and we went in and four-stepped them, which means essentially it means we air the thing out. Anyway, um the I believe the sentence, the spell, the the the Lord of the Rings spell that held the whole thing together, um, which was it it definitely didn't put men in a good light because he wasn't put in a good light uh based on well words. And the sentence was if my father had loved us more, everything would have been different. And that was a sentence in one of the stories. And if you do enough of this work, everybody, some of the the sentences, the spells, when I say spell, I'm I'm by definition. So Webster's definition of a spell is a word or a combination of words of great influence. And and the big one for this one was uh, if my father had loved us more, everything would have been different. I had her repeat it a couple of times, and then I said, take out the word us and put in the word himself. Man, that snapped her head right back, and then came the tears. Uh, because those words, if my father had loved us more, everything would have been different, forced her, whether she was sick and tired of it or not. And she was sick and tired of it, but who cares? Two plus two equals four. That's how that's how this works. I don't care how tired somebody is of being sick and tired. If they're using their words in a certain way, you're getting what you get. Um, and it was forcing her to take everything personal, to make everything about her parents massively dysfunctional thing, uh a reflection on how valuable she was of a person. And so the sentence goes to if my father had loved himself more, everything would have been different. And it took her, it took her a little while to get all the them tears out, which is good. And then we did one one other um, took out the word everything. So if my father had loved himself more, everything would have been different. Take out everything, everything, and put in the word uh he. My father had loved himself more, he would have been different. And you it's just this, this, the space, the clarity, the breath unlocks, descends. And that's what we're here to help people do is create space and clarity, not have answers. I don't have any answers for anybody, wouldn't want to. Okay. No motivational quotes off Instagram, regardless of how fire they are. Um, I'm not I'm not I'm not gonna motivate anybody. No, no, I want the words. Let's go get them stories out your head and stare at the words and get the breath in there and start playing with them and and and see what happens. Um, because that's that's a very reliable way to work on your mindset, which is the story that you're telling yourself. You got to get down to the word level, everybody. I love neuroscience, and it's most of it's over my head. It's cool. I know I know there's a lot of shit going on in there. And I'm going to relentlessly stare at my words and make sure I'm using them in a way to keep things level.

SPEAKER_04 43:50

Yeah, that's I mean, that's a powerful story. I mean, you you can see and almost just feel the transformation that happened like in that moment.

SPEAKER_00 44:02

I'll do workshops from time to time. And depending on the direction that I'm taking them, I'll have everybody write that down. And let's say there's 30 people in the workshop, four or five people are going to be crying because it relates directly to their dad's story. Or it just makes sense about something else. You know, makes sense about some other kind of story. Because we're, hey, we're all telling ourselves a story. We're all using the same squiggles and sounds. That's what English is. It's a bunch of squiggles, and it's a bunch of sounds that we agree upon. And and everyone has gotten in their own way. Everyone has uh created villain stories in their head. Everyone has uh catastrophized, which is a fancy word for worrying, and and also second guess themselves and and created indecision, which brings us into soft talk, which is where um the internet will hold. I'm gonna walk out there and get the soft talk keyword plaque. Soft soft talk is where you want to start everybody, um working on the words that you use. So JP, what what what what does pro for you, I'm sure you've done it. We all have. What what does pro what does a prolonged bout of indecision feel like it's terrible?

SPEAKER_04 45:45

Fucking horrible yeah, it's you nothing's happening, and so until you make a decision, it's it's it's you're in purgatory, like nothing's going on.

SPEAKER_00 45:57

Dude, it it it it is such a such a unique flavor of stress. Um and I don't know anyone that can't relate. Translation, everyone I've ever met can relate. So the question is, how are people doing that? Not why. Why am I so indecisive? I don't care why you're so indecisive because I know how you're so indecisive. Uh, and the how is with these words right here. Soft talk. Rocket science, everybody. So um these this is another cool thing that you can do. Uh, and if you're on the gram, I take a picture of this, tag us, I'll repost it. It's called the soft talk challenge. Get a clean sheet of paper. I'm about to rattle off, or I'll hold it up and JP can read them. Um, I'm we're about to share with you the soft talk keywords. Get a clean sheet of paper and write these words out in all caps, five times larger than you normally write, and then put it up somewhere where you're gonna see it for a month. Fridge works great, bathroom mirror works great, workstation works great. So read these for your audience, please. So we're starting with probably, perhaps, feels like guess, maybe, could, might, possibly, sort of, kind of, potentially, hopefully, try one day, should almost like perhaps I'm I'm I'm ingesting too much caffeine. Maybe I should spend more time with my wife. It's it's almost like I'm overthinking things.

SPEAKER_03 48:15

Oh that's not actually true.

Simple Vs Complicated Mindset Definitions

SPEAKER_00 48:22

I'm so glad that I've got a dark sense of humor. It just helps. It just helps so much. Um, and if you stare at this long enough, it's it does, it it makes it makes a lot of things make sense, including the dark side. So anyway, how what do you do? So what happens? And this is very experiential and it's very free, and anyone can do it. When you everything starts with awareness, you raise your awareness about these words, and it's the gateway drug to the rest of the words. You got to start somewhere. This is where you start. Why? Because all you do is pluck them out, negations, affirmations. You got to think about, oh, wait a minute, and then there's the whole attachment thing to the projections. So let's just go, let's just go with whatever what most people can improve upon and easy. So um, you know, maybe we should schedule a meeting. Take out the maybe. We should schedule a meeting. Oh, yeah, it should. We're scheduling a meeting on Monday at 12 or 2. Which one works best for you? Um, uh, you know, maybe I need to spend some more time with my wife. Take out the maybe. I need to spend some more time with my wife. Okay, well, what would that look like? Well, she she loves going to the beach. How about this Sunday? And so you get you you make decisions way easier because you create space and clarity by getting these words out of your, you know, um, it's it's almost like I'm overthinking getting back into jujitsu. Take out the almost like I'm overthinking getting back into jujitsu. Yes, I am doing that. And now that you have gotten clarity on the fact that you are doing that, then you can go in direction A or direction B. Otherwise, like you said, you're in purgatory, you're in limbo, and that shit sucks. And so that that, everybody, is one of the very best ways. It's I'm gonna take out one of very it's the best way that I know for people to start working on their mindset at a word level. Yeah, I just got some I got some other stuff to share simple sabotage field field manual from the OSS. Drop these behind enemy lines. Um you want me to read you out some definitions of mindset? Yeah, just do that. Yeah, yeah. So I got I I did this in the last workshop that I was at.

SPEAKER_03 51:09

People enjoyed it.

SPEAKER_00 51:14

Um if you want to work on something, you need to know what it is and what it's made of. So here's six definitions of mindset ranging from, yeah, okay, to what this is from dictionary.com. The established set of attitudes held by someone. This is from Cambridge, the Cambridge dictionary. A person's way of thinking and their opinions. This is from very well.com. Mindset is a set of beliefs that shape how you make sense of the world and yourself. This is from writingcommons.org. Mindset refers to a person or community's way of feeling, thinking, and acting about a topic. You know, let's let's lump my entire community into the definition of mindset.

SPEAKER_02 52:27

Yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_00 52:29

Yeah, that one's kind of out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, and then and then I'll work on it. I'm gonna work on the community's mindset.

SPEAKER_04 52:38

Right.

SPEAKER_00 52:38

Yeah, have fun. This is from Wikipedia. A mindset, also known as mentality, especially when considered as biased and closed-minded, refers to an established set of attitudes of a person or group concerning culture, values, philosophy, frame of reference, outlook, or disposition. How are you gonna how are we gonna work on that, boys? Right. And this one's this one, yeah. From the American Psychological Association, which is very close to the American Psychiatric Association, who these guys right here, which wrote the DSM five, like I said earlier. Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. You know how much crazy shit is in here that can be remedied with um uh better words and better breathing and going on some walks, better food, some kettlebells, uh hanging out with the the boys, going surfing, taking the taking the kids on a high like it's dude. I'll I'll read something.

unknown 53:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:55

Anyway, we'll get because you if if something starts, here I go again. If something starts complicated, it's gonna continue complicated. And this this everybody is complicated as hell. How many pages are in here? It's a thousand, it's over a thousand, it's small print. This is a heavy ass book. And here's the American Psychological Association definition of mindset. A state of mind that influences how people think about and then enact their goal-directed activities in ways that may systematically promote or interfere with optimal functioning. That's retarded. Yeah. By definition, I know what the definition of retard is. It's to impede the development of, like a flame retard. I I I I like poking the bear. So I'll I'll I'll drop, I'll drop retarded and use it accurately. And people, you just say retarded. And then I'm like, do you know the definition? Because I know the definition. And and so so when things are complicated like that, it it retards, it impedes the development of the story someone is telling themselves, and then and then, you know, well, you've got a book that you can just thumb through. And we'll go to page 222. We'll yeah, we'll read about it. Under anxiety discourse. I hey, I highly recommend it's it's a$200 book and shits and giggles. Pick up one of these, go to your library and just thumb through it for an hour. If you're into personal development, it does frame it it's it brings a lot of things to the surface, separation anxiety disorder, diagnostic criteria. There's just read this. Uh here we go. Selective mutism in children. Oh, you mean kids don't like to talk sometimes? Oh, there's a condition for it. I've got a label for it. It's called selective mutism. And and now that I've identified that this is the problem, okay. Here's um, or might be the problem, here's some diagnostic criteria. I love doing this shit. Uh consistent failure to speak in specific social situations in which there is an e an expectation for speaking despite speaking in other situations. That's a b remember what I said, confuse, complicate, confuse control. Uh that's A. Here's B. The disturbance interferes with educational or occupational achievement or with social communication. Uh the d C, the duration of the disturbance is at least one month, not limited to the first month of school. So it's got to be at least a month, otherwise, it's something else. D, the failure to this is brutal. The failure to speak, the the failure to speak, speak, child, or you will be labeled. The failure to speak is not attributed to a lack of knowledge or comfort or knowledge of or comfort with the spoken language required in the social situation. E, the disturbance is not better explained by a communication disorder, for instance, childhood onset fluency disorder, and does not occur exclusively when the course of autism spectrum disorder, schizophrenia, or another psychotic disorder.

SPEAKER_04 58:00

Oh my God. I can just imagine like C page this for this disorder, C page this for this disorder, and it's like and then and then what happens?

The Wins Journal For Kids

SPEAKER_00 58:11

We all know what happens when that happens. So um, I got an email today. I mean, that's one way of going about working with children. Um, I got an email today from a woman I talked to about three months ago. She got on a call with me about um level one, level two certification. And she was going back and forth between getting certified and hiring one of our coaches to work with her adopted daughter. And this woman is uh she's in she she does foster care and and also mentors mentor that's a that's some crazy shit, and then also mentors uh other families in foster care. And she she said, you know, I've been and they're having a they were having a really tough time with this one girl, just very exquisitely abusive background. Anyway, she goes, yeah, we've been having her write down her lies. She's like a six, she's like six or seven, eight, something like that. We've been having her write down her lies, and then we just look at them. And it's helped. I agree. I agree. And there's a lot of ways to work with kids. I know you got you got you know a lot of stand-up people that listen to your podcast, your men's groups, and things like that, and uh those men have children. The the the the thing that we recommend work when it comes to working with kids and helping them improve the story that they're telling themselves is a wins journal, and it's best done from ages five to twelve, and it's very simple. You get a notebook, and one on the middle of one page, one sentence per day, just one full sentence, something that they did right. Something that they did write in a full sentence. Tie your shoes, get the A, make the hoops, talk to the person, whatever. And in a what that does is it trains them to identify things that they do well. Most people have a hard time taking a compliment from someone else. It's that on steroids when it's time to give ourselves acknowledgement for the things we do well. And most people are extremely stingy with themselves when it comes to giving themselves some well-deserved credit. I'm not talking about bragging. And what it does is it trains their the child's reticular activating system, look that up, to um more easily identify themselves as uh doing good, being good, uh being successful, winning all those things. And it will raise their psychological and emotional immune system to uh a lot of bullshit. Um, because one way, a very reliable way to build up someone's mindset is hey, let's go get the let's go get the evidence that we are good enough. Because most people wake up and they feel like they're on trial in a case that they're not good enough. They've got this crazed prosecuting attorney, and it's like, hey, remember this, remember this, remember when she said this? Remember when it fucked that up? You're like, hey, you said all that yesterday. And the the it's like, oh, but today's a new day. Let's just, let's just, let's do the whole trial over again, right? Let's let's do the whole thing over again. Why not? And so it's essentially you're going and hiring, I'm off on a little bit of a rant now, you're going and hiring a defending attorney, and they are gathering evidence and presenting evidence, the stories, because people keep the good stories in their head too. Uh, and so it can be admitted, admitting evidence. You admit it to yourself. Shit, I did do that. And those are very polar different experiences, too. The stories that we keep in the head, the scary shit, it's way up close, super loud, very meaningful. Stories, all the good stuff kept in the head for whatever reason, I don't make the rules, is way over there. The volume's super low, not very meaningful at all. And so we can address both of those mechanical phenomena by picking up that heavy ass pen and writing stuff down.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:03

I like that. I think that's that's really cool, you know, because I got I got two daughters myself, you know, five and eight. Perfect. And this wins journal. And just correct me if I'm wrong, did you say that I'm writing this down or I'm they're writing this down or they're they're identifying phenomenal.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:22

Uh they're writing it down. And that's why we that's why we recommend five. Because they can write it five, right?

SPEAKER_04 1:03:28

Yeah, they can they have like words and you can help them like, hey, A, B, C, how do I spell this, you know, that type of thing. Yeah, I think that's awesome.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:37

And what what are your daughters' names? Pearl and Zoe. Super cool. So Pearl has her own notebook and Zoe has her own notebook, and it's it's it couldn't be any faster. It's just one sentence. Maybe it's right before dinner or right after breakfast. And in a matter of under two weeks, that will become ceremonial. They'll remind you, Dad, I haven't set up my women's journal today. And and and dude, in a month, it's locked in. Yeah. And um we get a ton of really cool feedback from people that implement that into the culture, into the culture of their family. And and language is one of the biggest, if not biggest, substrate, substrates of culture. Peter Drucker said it. Culture eats strategy for breakfast. Whether it's in business, he was a business guru, or in a family, or in a community.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:43

Yeah. Now, I guess one more thing on that. So when I'm thinking about like my five-year-old or eight-year-old, it's like, okay, how was school today good? Right? Like, okay, what's something good you did did today? They're like, uh, I don't know, you know. How how do you work them through that to kind of help identify one full sentence?

SPEAKER_00 1:05:08

Name something that you did well today. One full sentence. We're gonna write it out that that that you're proud of today. And if it takes them 10 minutes, it for it it could take them a little bit of time to get their head around it. Some days will be easier than others, and you're like, hey, we got plenty of time before dinner, 10 minutes. We go we can wait. Yeah. So it's it's it's it's with prompts and questions if necessary.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:46

Nice. Now so a lot of guys, you know, their dads, their husbands, you know, that listen to this, and a lot of them, you know, they feel like they're pulled in different directions, right? I gotta. Worry about my fitness, I got to worry about the family, I got to worry about work, you know. I need more discipline, you know, with fitness, work, leadership. And, you know, we've we've identified already that, okay, a lot of this comes from language, but how does somebody shift from going like I need more discipline or I need to get in shape to I'm a man who trains every day?

SPEAKER_00 1:06:39

It will depend. Um people need to write down, some people need to have goals. And what do you do doesn't everybody have goals, Mark? No, they don't. Only 3% of the population have goals. Everybody else has dreams. And what I'm doing is referencing there's a there's a massive mile-wide difference between dreams and goals. If what you want to do is in your head, it's a dream. If it's if it's not written down, it's not a goal. Translation, if it's written, it only when it's written down, then you have a goal. When, and this is coming off of a 30-year study on Harvard, when a person puts pen to paper about something that they would like to do or are going to do or could do, the likelihood, and the wording does matter, and let's just get a rough draft, everybody. Most people don't even have a rough draft to hand in. Remember what happened when you did that in high school? I do. Um it it becomes 10 times more likely. Okay, so that's one way that you can narrow your focus and and increase the the frequency of the things that you want to do. Because most people most people are already doing and or are being the things that they want to be, they're already doing it to a degree. Okay. And I gotta, I gotta, I mean, just it's a it's a it's a layup bullseye and the crosshair example of how our language can trick us into thinking that we're doing worse than we think we are. Um sometimes it's a goal thing. Sometimes it's a hey, relax, buddy. You're doing, you're doing, you're, you're, you're doing these things. How about we acknowledge the fact that you're doing these things? Yes, you could do more of those things. Yes, you could work out more. Yes, you could drop 2% more body fat. Yes, you could make$10,000 a month more. And how let's let's get you let's get you relaxing. Most people are very uncomfortable with success. They're very uncomfortable with failure. Uh, and you live in that strange time uh uh uh twilight zone. It's it's it's uh another way of most people are simultaneously desperate for recognition and at the same time being afraid of being seen. Socophobia, that's what that is. It's a fancy word for the fear of being seen. And and that's a strange place. So it's like, wait a minute. How can both of those things be going on at the same time? Stories. Um sometimes sometimes you gotta go clean up some backstory shit, like that woman did about the story about her dad. That could be the the the issue. Okay. Um so it really it really is an individual. It's as far as the people's mindset is concerned, it's an individual conversation. And I have seen, let's have some fun, everybody. Everybody pick up your pen. I've seen grown ass men reduce themselves to tears so many so frequently that I was like, what's going on with this one sentence? I just want to be a good dad. You ever you ever heard you ever heard the guys that you work with say that? Oh yeah. Fucks them up, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_04 1:10:48

I mean, it's every dad wants to be a good dad, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:11:00

And and and yes, yes, I agree. And why does that sentence wreck people? Why does it get people why does it why does it make make men feel like shit? Because it usually does. Yeah. Technically, it's a faux positive in the enlifted vernacular, a faux positive, not a faux pas. It's it's you think it's positive, but it's fake. It's a fake positive. And here's why. Okay, so everybody write that down. Let's play a language game. I just want to be a good dad. And you will absolutely hear this one with the guys that you work with. And next time you're running a men's group, men's retreat, men's virtual, whatever, run this language game with them and watch what happens. And then you have them repeat it. I just want to be a good dad. How does that make you feel? Uh you people most people are gonna be like, oh, I just so much pressure. Cool, great. Scratch out the word just. And you know this game, JP. You see these, you see the words. Uh and then so, so I love it. Yeah, what happens when you what happens when you take out the word just, JP?

SPEAKER_04 1:12:17

I want to be a good dad. That changes the way it feels.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:24

Just known as pressure language or dramatics. You know, I just need to make the sale. Well, you're gonna be sounding desperate as hell, and probably not because of that, regardless of how awesome the thing is you have to sell and how much the person wants it, get all weird because you're putting extra pressure on yourself. Um yeah, just is a very I highly suggest staring at that word too. Just. And then here's the thing, here's the thing. Good is good's a tough one. Good is a tough one. Because it's massively in opinion, it's really hard to get on the calendar. How do you get good on the calendar? And it it presupposes I want to be a good dad. It presupposes that I'm not a good dad. And so the reticular activating system, which is the lens that you see yourself and the world through, it's programmed by our language. It it edits out all the good things that you're doing and is gonna make you focus on the things that you're not doing or could do even better. And so that's where the that's that's where that feels like shit comes from. Because it's it's he he never cleans up around the house. The guy could clean up around the house 72% of the time. And if someone says he never cleans up around the house, it's gonna edit out all the times that he does and forces you to focus on the times that he doesn't. And and there you got Armageddon again in your head. So what we've there's and there's a lot of ways to work with that sentence, and one that usually does the trick quite quick.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:19

Uh take out good and put in fun. I want to be a fun dad.

Breath, Entrainment, And Home Vibe

SPEAKER_00 1:14:30

Well, what do fun dads do? It's a lot easier to get fun on the calendar than it is good. Well, what's fun? What could we do that's fun in two weeks, two weekends? Well, we could rent that cabin over uh on the beach in Molokai and invite the family friends. And let's see if they will get the the the cabin next, but that's that's okay. We're going regardless. And then you're like, yeah, cool. I know we have that weekend available. So you get on like Airbnb and bop bub, and then you send the message, dude. I've done this, I've done this in workshops more times than I can count. And the the thing is booked, and they send the message, hey, honey, tell the kids that we're going to Molokai in two weekends, and um, we'll be leaving at noon on Friday. We're actually going to get them out of school a little earlier. Something like that. And everybody just goes through the roof, and that's fun. And what I've noticed, I'm turning 50 this summer. I've noticed that the I mean, it's it's real, real, another another more rocket science. The parents that that that are fun and they have fun with their kids, those are the kids that enjoy being adults with them. That's like it, it, it, if you want to have good, fun relationships with your kids when they grow up, focus on fun. Focus on doing fun stuff. Be I I did this with my with my nieces. Be the fun uncle. I was like, I'm gonna be the fun uncle and I'm gonna teach them kickboxing. And I did those two things. We would go to arcades and get pizzas, and I would go up there and get hotel rooms and watch the UFCs with them, and and we would just go do fun stuff. And uh I it's it's just it's it's a better word to use than good. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, so that was that was uh that's part of my answer for how do how do people get how do how do men get you know they want to work out more, they want all those things. In some form or fashion, learning to observe the words that you're using, the current the story that you're telling yourself, that's that's where the leverage is. That's where the power is. That's where our power is. That's that's that's and and and um if you do that, and you start telling yourself a better story about yourself. There's a process of you know just the dismantling the victim mentality. Your breath is gonna unlock. And your breath is gonna unlock and you're gonna breathe easier, you're gonna breathe lower and slower. Parasympathetic nervous system response. And that is massively going to influence the the vibe in the house. So, like I said earlier, we inherit our parents' breathing patterns. Uh, it's called entrainment. And it was first noted in the 1600s in a Swiss clock shop that all of the smaller clocks would come into rhythm with the largest clock. And um parents are they're they're children come into sync. Oh, let's make this even more simple. Um we've all been in a room where people say you could cut the tension with a knife or you could hear a pin drop. What are they describing? They're describing everybody holding their breath, and that's just in a room. What if someone grows up in a household like that where the stories are what they are, and everybody's just we that we it formats the kids. And so one of the best things that you can do is get your breath low and slow and keep it there and watch what happens to the vibe. Here's okay, another example. Um Justin, he he's cool with me telling this story. Justin Estes from Garland, Garland CrossFit. He listened to me on Spencer Nix's podcast, where I told the story of the day my dad died. I pronounced him dead. And then went to work and navigated the whole thing. And I didn't tell anybody for not that I recommend doing this, or it's not that I don't recommend doing this either. It's just how I've handled it. Um I didn't tell anybody for a week. I was on the Power Monkey podcast about four hours later. Uh all hell is breaking loose. I mean, I I work from home and it's a family farm, and people are coming, and the whole community went nuts, and all and and um anyway, I talk about how important it is to get your breath low and slow and keep it there when the world throws you curveballs because they will. And this guy named Justin uh owns the CrossFit gym in Garland. He gets on a call with me about level one certification. And and he goes, She, I'm like, hey, buddy, how's it going? Um and after the niceties, he goes, I just want you to know I'm signing up. And here's why. So his wife was in labor with their second child, and it was a complicated pregnancy and birth. They're in the hospital, all hell's breaking loose, the buzzers are going off, the beat, nurses, doctors coming in and out, and he's sitting there staring at this. And his three-year-old son is on the floor having a meltdown. And he goes, he thinks, well, I could say something, or I could just start breathing. And he said he he he got his breath low and slow and kept it there. And in about two minutes, his son calmed down, crawled up on his chest, put his head on his chest, and and took a nap in the middle of madness. And he goes, Oh, this is real. Yeah. And it is. It is. And like I said earlier, you know, we're known as the language people. We're we're there to we're here to create space and clarity, and that shows up in how people breathe. And I don't care, you fill in the blank with whatever the fuck somebody's got going on, you breathe well in the middle of that, or going into that, or um, you're going to like yourself a whole lot better than if you go in there holding your breath. Okay. Everyone else is too. You're gonna like what happens. It's the difference between surfing. I went surfing for the first time out in uh Hawaii, by the way. I I I went for three waves and I caught three waves. I was very proud of that. Oh, heck yeah. Oh, yeah. It was on Maui. Nice near right near Lahaina. Um and what was I saying? Yeah, it's the difference between surfing life's waves or getting picked out of the core. Hold your breath going, like when when life does what it will do from time to time. You're gonna face plant right into the sharp stuff. I've done it. People can relate.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:50

I mean, I think since since I've met you, and I think we first met at the uh Strong Coach Summit, and that was that 2019. It's 2019, yeah. At an Imperial Beach. Since then, uh the topics of breath and how powerful breath has kind of stuck with me, kind of soft top. It has stuck with me, right? And I don't know if it's that is the time when I started experimenting with it. But so talking about what your the experience that you that your friend had, when I put my girls to sleep, I intentionally, like if I'm laying next to them, I intentionally will breathe low and slow. And I have found, I have found that it puts them to bed faster and more quicker. They just start to relax. Everything just starts to calm down. And then before you know it, they're out. But if I'm in my head thinking about all these different things, and like that stress is is just being projected on them, I believe. You know? But if I start breathing low and slow, it just transmits to them. It's it's pretty amazing, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:20

I'm right there, dude. I love music to my ears. Yeah, dad's dad's dad's calm, the universe, the world's safe.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:32

You know.

Three Tools To Start Today

SPEAKER_00 1:24:34

Yeah. And and I mean that what what a gift. That's they're gonna share that with their kids, whether you explain it to them or not. Okay. Um what a gift. We inherit more from our parents than eye color and maybe a little money when they croak. You know, we inherit the words that they use when they were talking to themselves, because that creates creates a vibe. And also the words that they used with us that they said to us. And um when when we improve how we use our words, everybody wins. Everybody wins. And then that's that's a skill that you can teach your children. I know you will. I'm just saying talking to the your your your audience. And that's the keys to the kingdom, you know? The the the ability to create a story where they enjoy being themselves. They're comfortable in their they're comfortable in their own skin. Good luck being comfortable in your own skin to fill in anybody, me, you, anyone, when your breath is trapped, when chronically trapped in your chest. And again, what trapped it in the first place? That's that's the drum rule question. And trust me, I'm I'm I love me some breath work. We got a breath work coach for the community. You met him, Brandon Powell. He was down there. We're he's he's we're doing a uh collab with Travis Haley and for mindset for responsible armed citizens, first responders, military, former military. Uh, and he's he's bringing the bringing it with that, bringing the heat with that. Yes, let's learn how to breathe better. And let's address, because if the story stays the same, then the breath is going to reset itself. Let's address what what arrested, retarded the breath in the first place. And it will get back to the stories that we tell ourselves. Yeah. And yeah, and like this is, I mean, this is I haven't mentioned neuroscience once. Because I'm not the guy to do that. It doesn't stick. It's like, yeah, that's cool as hell. And this, this, this repetitive, you could call it basic, foundational conversation under the umbrella of transformational wordsmithing, mindset. Just words and breath, words and breath. Where are the words? Let me guess they're in your head. Let's get them out. Pick up the pen. Hey, circle the soft talk. There's the definition of the victim mentality again. Let's play a language game. It's just relentless, the lowest level. And I don't mean quality. I just mean the lowest level when it comes to this conversation. That's that's where we reside. Yeah. I don't want to understand shit in this book. Bro.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:05

I mean, just the little paragraph that you that you read out loud is is it's enough for me where I'd be like, I don't even want to deal with this, you know. Dude, it's like it does, it overcomplicates everything.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:20

Selective mutism. Have have you ever had like have you ever looked at kids? They're they're like little monkeys, take out the like. Someone new comes in, they're all shy, and they grab the parents' leg. And yeah, it's that that's so they don't want to talk then either. This is normal. Yeah, leave them alone. Don't put a label on them, much less medicate them. Uh, anyway, that's a whole other thing. Um, yeah, let's let's dismantle the victim mentality and share that cornucopia. It's a little bit of a big word for Mark England, cornucopia of positive effects with our children and then the community and you know, the wifey and our boys and dude. I mean, is anyone's favorite person a fucking puckered up tight ass person? No one, I've never heard that. I've never heard someone go, um, yeah, man, I I gotta I gotta introduce you this this guy. Um you're you're gonna love him. He's super uptight, you can't say shit around him, and he's just got this really weird vibe. No one ever says that. No, it's like, oh man, I you gotta, I gotta introduce you to this guy. Just super cool, so down to earth. What are they talking about? They're talking about someone who breathes well, doesn't take himself too seriously, breathes well. Okay, so easy to be around, breathes well. You're gonna love him. Breathes well.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:00

I like that. Now, um, so I guess I know a lot about like what you do and how you do it, right? How do if somebody wanted to improve their mindset immediately, like what two to three tools could they start using today to start making improvements on whatever, right? Like, I just want to be a good dad, right? I just want to be a good leader, I just want to be a better communicator. You know, how can somebody go from that and I guess take whatever tools that you might have and start implementing some type of practices to get them there?

SPEAKER_00 1:30:51

Yeah, we we covered the the big one. The the big one is soft talk. If you didn't write down those soft talk keywords, everybody, rewind the show. Do that.

SPEAKER_03 1:31:07

You'll be you'll be stunned. Slow down your rate of speech by five percent.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:21

We get hypnotized, we hypnotize ourselves and with with repet repetition, and most people are so used to the rate of speech, the their their normal rate of speech, it's really hard to pay closer attention to the words that we use when it's at that baseline normal rate of speech. And most people, when they get into the the exploration, because it is, it's an it's an exploration of of how to use their language better. And there's there's there's a lot to that. There's a lot of um different chapters, compartments to that. When I mean language, I mean internal dialogue, external dialogue, what we think, what we say, what we write, into the exploration of how to use our language better. Um part of that comes down to how we inflect. Okay, uh, and and use of pause and just the whole different, there's so there's it's playing the notes. And when someone slows down their rate of speech by 5%, no one's gonna know. No one's gonna go, hey, are you talking five percent slower than you normally do? They're not gonna, that's not gonna happen. Okay, you're gonna notice it because your breath is gonna loosen up, which is very important when it comes to your rhythm and your timing with your words and your inflection with your words. And you're gonna that that means that the story is slowed down by 5%. Or or you're it's gonna, it's it's gonna zoom out and you're gonna be able to connect dots between things. Um, yeah, if you want to be able to pay less attention to the words that you're using, increase your rate of speech. And this is mechanical. This is this is mechanical. We can go experience this in another. We can experience this phenomenon in another aspect of our life. So go run wind sprints and watch what happens. The faster you go, the more tunnel vision that you get. The faster you go, going as fast as you can or fast, tunnel vision, breath trapped in the chest. Now, same thing with the story. Story goes super fast. You've talked to I know your background. You've talked to people in high stress environments. Okay. How easy are they to talk to? Not easy. Not easy. Let me guess. The words are going a mile a what minute? It's like talking to a what brick wall? Because it's because there's a mechanical thing going on there. So the faster the story goes, the the it's like running wind sprints versus going out and going on a slow stroll. Go out and go on a walk about 15, 20% slower than your normal pace and watch what happens. The breath loosens up, it descends even more, and you zoom out. So speed zooms in, slowing down, zooms out. It's the same thing with our words, too. Um there's that. So soft talk, play with your rate of speech, and then uh work with work with JP.

SPEAKER_04 1:34:57

Nice. I like that. No, that's a that's a powerful visual that um that I got from you that I use a lot uh in my coaching, uh, is that you know, if if you have your breath up high, right, trapped in your chest, it's like trying to read a book when it's like right in front of your face. Dude, right? That's that visual that you you gave me is so powerful. But then when you breathe low and slow and it's like it widens everything out, and now you can see things more clearly and better.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:35:35

Zoom in, zoom out. What there's there's there's levers. There's there's yeah, that that's a that's a it's the words, it's the rate of it's the rate, how fast and and if you're we tell our coaches this all the time. Your clients aren't paying attention to the words they're using. So lucky them, they get to work with you because that's what we teach people to do. Pay attention to the words that they're using. Your clients aren't paying attention to how fast their story is going. They're not paying attention to their rate of speech. You are. Your clients aren't paying attention to where they're breathing, you are. And the the fulcrum, Archimedes said it, give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum strong enough, and I will move the world. And the lever and the fulcrum is this the words on paper. You get good enough at it. You can you can you can freestyle it, you can work with people, you know. But and if if I get my way, I just want words. Give me the words on the Google Doc. Words on the paper. Let's get those words out of your head. I mean, that in and of itself is transformational. And then there's a bunch of stuff you can do with it once the words are are written down. And it and and all that comes down to words and breath. Yeah.

Holding Pride And Grief Together

SPEAKER_04 1:37:03

Awesome. All right. I've got a question uh from one of one of my guys in my community. And um, you know, I threw this out there letting them know that I was gonna talk to you. And I asked them, you know, any questions that I could ask you, you know, and and some of them are familiar with, you know, because I've spoken about you and talked about you. So here's the question. So as a father, how do I reconcile two truths at the same time? Being incredibly proud of my daughter's resilience after heart surgery and years of wearing a scoliosis brace, not knowing what the future holds for her, while also at the same time grieving that she's had to go through so much and she's only 12 and wishing it could be different for her.

SPEAKER_00 1:38:02

Read that again, please, JP.

SPEAKER_04 1:38:05

Yeah. So, as a father, how do I reconcile two truths at the same time? Being incredibly proud of my daughter's resilience after heart surgery and years of wearing a scoliosis brace, not knowing what the future holds for her, while also grieving that she has had to go through so much and she's only 12, and wishing it could be different for her.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:35

I gotta look up what reconcile means. I think I know what it means.

SPEAKER_00 1:38:41

Reconcile restore friendly relations between make consistent with another first thing that comes to mind is don't don't reconcile. You got that? Because they're both like you said, they're both true. Yes, she's come a long way. Be proud of it.

SPEAKER_03 1:39:18

And also when it's time to grieve, grieve.

SPEAKER_00 1:39:26

Because that will that will uncomplicate the situation. I'm assuming that the comp part of the complication is wanting to reconcile it. I mean, is am I making sense there?

SPEAKER_04 1:39:39

Yeah, no, I think so. I I think that's what's creating the the stress is is trying to reconcile the two things that are kind of at odds with one another.

SPEAKER_00 1:39:53

Yeah. Yeah. Don't you got this story here, true, cool, awesome. You got this story over here, true, cool. Awesome.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:08

I mean, you know, that that's that's how I'm gonna answer that.

SPEAKER_00 1:40:21

That's a damn good question. It made me think. Maybe double check on some words too. Um and I'm assuming you know you you said it in your way too that if he does that, it'll let off some of the pressure. So I'm thinking, what's the fastest way to simplify this? Let the pressure off. Don't reconcile him. Is what it is.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:58

And what would you say to him? I mean, I it's it's another answer.

SPEAKER_04 1:41:12

I mean yeah, it's like definitely be proud of you know how much she's gone through and what she's done. And I guess in my mind, the way I view it is that's resilience, right? That's taught her uh strength in ways that most other kids have not experienced and focus on that side of things as opposed to I'm sorry she's had to go through this type. Well, the times are the times, and it's how we think about those times, right? And so we can either make them hard for ourselves or I guess better for ourselves. Right, which goes to what's the story we're telling ourselves.

SPEAKER_03 1:42:34

I like it.

SPEAKER_00 1:42:38

Yeah. That's that that what what's what was what's the guy's name that asked that? Todd. Very cool, Todd. Thanks, thanks for posing the question.

SPEAKER_04 1:42:48

Yeah. All right, so I've got just a few more things for you. Um, some rapid fire questions. You know, this will this will be a little fun. Um what would you say is a phrase people should eliminate from their vocabulary immediately?

SPEAKER_03 1:43:11

Everyone's got it. Everyone else has got it so much easier than I do.

SPEAKER_04 1:43:17

One mindset shift that changes everything.

SPEAKER_00 1:43:20

The definition of mindset. Mindset's a story you tell yourself, and that story is made of words and breath.

SPEAKER_04 1:43:29

How about a book that influenced your thinking? The Tao of Health, Sex, and Longevity by Daniel Reed. What's a daily habit that keeps you mentally sharp? Thinking about my thinking. If every man listening adopted one belief, what should it be?

SPEAKER_03 1:44:01

That your words are powerfully influencing you for better and for worse.

SPEAKER_00 1:44:06

And you've got a choice in that.

SPEAKER_04 1:44:12

Awesome. Man, this has been this has been great. I mean, every time I talk to you, every time I listen to you speak, I feel like I'm learning. And um I want to be as good as that. Or I, you know, I'm I'm working to be as good as what you do when I see you work with people and the kind of transformations that you make, and even just the kind of experiences that I have speaking with you are pretty incredible. Uh so I just want to say thanks for taking time out of your day to to jump on the podcast and get out here. And for all the guys listening, you know, pay attention to what you say to yourself because the language you use becomes the identity that you live into, right? And Mark, where can more people learn about your work and enlifted coaching?

SPEAKER_00 1:45:16

Two places. Enlifted.me, that's our website. It's got all the intel on the certs and some some very cool free trainings. So one free training. And then Instagram at enlifted coaches. That's a um that's that's a that's a free language school. So we put out just bite-sized, easy to understand. Content about this one thing. If you follow me, I do it once or twice a month. I send I send all my new followers a voicemail. Hey, so and so, thanks for the follow. We appreciate it. And I mean that. Uh, how'd you get here? How'd you find out about us? And then, you know, it depends. And then, you know, maybe uh send them a podcast to listen to or send them the soft talk challenge or something like that. So yeah, I run the account and I have fun with it.

SPEAKER_04 1:46:27

Nice. That's that. That's awesome. Yeah, I mean, you know, I guess if there's just one question I'm gonna end it with is if a man that's listening to this feels stuck right now, what's the first thing they should take change tomorrow morning?

SPEAKER_00 1:46:49

I wish I had an answer. A one-size fit fits all answer. It depends on how they're stuck. Depends on how they're keeping themselves stuck. Part of me wanted to say go on a walk. Part of me wanted to say call a friend, part of me wanted to say pick up that heavy ass pen and write out the stories. Part of me wanted to say go enroll in a jiu-jitsu school. Part of me wanted to say call your mom. It's like it depends.

SPEAKER_04 1:47:14

Yeah. I love that. Well, Mark, thank you for being on the show. I'm excited. Yeah, I can't wait to get this out to everybody. And uh, because I feel like this has been a very uh powerful and helpful uh episode for my community. Most of my uh podcasts are me solo, and occasionally I do the interviews. And so I'm excited for this and um very pumped to have you on the show. So thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:47:49

My pleasure, JP. Thanks for listening, everybody.

SPEAKER_04 1:47:54

Thank you for listening to the highly effective man podcast. If you enjoyed it, somebody